What are you looking for?

The question that always poses itself when meeting new people - "What are you looking for?"  I typically avoid asking this question.  Maybe this is why I have not found that balance I am looking for.  But I avoid it for specific reasons.  I want to make sure I am not emulating qualities another is looking for.  I want to ensure I am being myself, and being appreciated good or bad for those qualities.  I want to make sure I am open-minded about the newness that can be found in a relationship.  There are plenty of items on my imaginary list that everyone will never measure up to.  To enforce those items upon someone who is real, and may be a wonderful addition to my life seems justly unfair.

It is an interesting question to ask though.  One that even for the most iron-glad heart finds difficult to answer.  I don't have a specific "type" of man I am looking for.  I know what I am attracted to, but most times this attraction is not physical, but rather intellectual or spiritual than based on attributes seen with the naked eye.  What attracts me physically may not always be what is best for me in the long run. In not having many relationships, I have been both blessed with not having too much heartbreak, but still enough to know I am not a fan of the hurt.

I want someone who is spiritual, seeking the Lord, seeking delight within the Lord.  I want someone I can sit and pray with, share my faith, share my spirituality with. I want someone who is kind, sensitive but strong, someone who knows the value of working, but also enjoys having fun.  I want someone to say "I want to be with you, and with your children."  I want someone who understands the pressures of being a parent, but doesn't shirk away from those pressures. I want someone who is respectful of my family, accepts the family I have.

I want someone who will come into my life and enhance it.  At the end of a long day, we can sit together, hold each other's hands, knowing together we are stronger than apart.  I want someone who will look at me and instantly feel a peace within his mind, and joy within his heart.

I want someone who sees my flaws, recognizes my fears, and knows I am not perfect, but stays with me regardless of these things.  I want a relationship that feels like a safe haven in the middle of life's storms that come our way. Someone who will hold me when I feel the world is falling apart around me, wanting to prop me up.

I don't expect perfection.  I don't expect the other person to never make a mistake, never says something that is hurtful for unknown reasons.  I only require he try his best.  I want someone who is honest, and if he is feeling worried, upset, fearful, or joyful he is able to express that with me.  I want someone who is faithful, wanting to be with me above all others he may be able to meet or be with.

I want someone who can walk into the room and lighten the atmosphere by being there.  Someone who is not afraid to show me affection in front of others, and who gladly takes my hand. I want someone who declares to the world that he is with me, and protects me from the outside harms.  

I want someone responsible, able to maintain a job, and able to pay his bills.  Someone who understands the value of a dollar.

My heart has been bruised in the past.  I am not willing to rush into a situation that should not be rushed.  I am not willing to sacrifice the desires of a strong healthy relationship in exchange for physical relationships.  I am not willing to be with someone who simply pretends to be in it with me - he has to be active, show up every day.  I want to get married again, I want to celebrate a life with someone.  I want to grow older with someone who is my friend, someone who is my confidant, and loyal to the desires we both have.  Someone who supports my dreams as I support his.  Someone who believes in me, someone who allows me to believe in him.

I am not sure if this is out there.  I am not sure why it has taken so long for me to get this.  I am not sure if the qualities I want exist in today's age of selfishness, lies, manipulation, and feelings of instant gratification.  But I remain hopeful it does exist.  I remain hopeful that whoever the Lord has for me is going through the same questions, wanting the same qualities, and we are both just in the preparation phase to ready ourselves for one another.  I am hopeful I will meet him soon, start our process of learning about each other, and continue into a relationship that fulfills our heart's desires.

Scarlett letter of the modern times

I never wanted to be a single parent.  It was the last intention on earth to be alone, raising children, dealing with all their needs without the support and help of someone else physically living with me.  And even when I had someone else physically living with me (their father), it was pretty much like doing everything on my own anyhow.

In today's age, I feel that being a single parent is similar to that of the Scarlett Letter.  Sure, I had my kids while married, so I do not carry a scarlet letter "A" upon my chest as Hester Prynne did, but instead I carry the scarlet letters "SP" upon my life.  Sometimes I feel people look at me in dismay, or disbelief.  In my dating life, it is always cause for great concern when the kids are brought up.  For all the thought and reflection another may do in deciding if my family is something they want to take upon their shoulders, it is greatly appreciated.  Yet, it is also hard at the same time.  It is hard hearing someone say "I am not sure about dating you because of the kids" as if I could wave a magic wand, revert back to another time when I did not have children to start over.  Truth is, the kids have helped form the individual they see standing in front of them.  Truth is, if I accept someone for who they are, I accept all of them, not just bits and pieces.  Sometimes if feels this is the opposite of what happens to me.

In my mind, I recognize the fact that it is not about being accepted, or rejection.  In my mind, I understand that what I have to offer may not be what everyone wants to take upon their own lives.  I get it. I am not sure if I could date someone with kids, which is really ironic. I understand that if I was dating someone with a child, I may have misgivings as well.  Let's face it, it is hard coming into a relationship and not being the other person's top priority.  It is hard feeling like you are doing things in reverse of the old childhood song of "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage..." especially if that baby in the baby carriage is not yours...and is not in a carriage any longer, but able to see what you are doing, look up to you, ask for advise, and include you as their family.  It is hard wondering if you will measure up to what they need, desire, request, or want.  In trying, though, you discover strengths you never knew...

In my heart, however, that is where rationale is thrown out the window.  My mind is able to comprehend and understand the fears that accompany involvement with someone wearing the scarlet SP.  But my heart is different.  My heart, that is able to love and give love does not understand.  My heart looks upon my kids' faces, sees beauty mixed with all their little personality traits, and wonders why someone would doubt the ability to love them.  My children are some of the easiest kids to be around.  They don't ask for much.  They don't act out for attention, or create havoc in the lives of others.  Since I have not involved them with many of my relationships, friend or love based, and sheltered them from yet another person being in their lives, they don't have that dread of "Here comes another one...thanks Mom"

In my heart, I desire to have companionship.  I am not looking for another 'daddy' for my kids...they already have one.  I am not looking for someone to come in and pay my bills, or take on more than they should.  I am not wanting someone to be there because they feel they should be there.  I want someone to talk to at the end of the day, who will hold my hand, walk with me through difficult times, and laugh with me when things are good.  In my heart, I desire to be a good companion, supporting them through their journey in life.  Regardless of the ups and downs, to have my companion also believe the fact that we are standing with one another and we will make it as a team.  To look at me, despite all I have in this world that may be scarlet letters SP related, any baggage I may come with, and go beyond fear to try.  I am not expecting perfection.  I am wanting someone to do their best.

Everyone is going to have baggage, everyone is going to have something from their past that is hard. Everyone is going to have fears and issues they are working on until the minute they leave this world.  Everyone has their own desires, and their own goals. Taking upon yourself the other person's desires, goals, and needs, encouraging them, standing beside them, and being a shelter from the storms of life is part of being with someone just as much as when the sun is shining, good times are only seen, and life seems like a never ending amazement. Accepting someone as they are, knowing as each day passes, we are both growing together, is the goal.

Moving forward in an uncertain time

We are never promised a road map in life.  This mystical road map that will guide you toward where you need to go, to help avoid issues or problems along the way.  We are not even offered a map...each one of us sets forth each day, on our own paths based upon decisions we have previously made, making new decisions for our next steps, and mostly hope what we decide is best for all involved.

I am currently on this path of uncertainty.  I know what I want, and am working toward that goal.  But there are many different variables that also impact my life that my prevent me from what I want. It is always the most difficult time when this also deals with my heart.

In my heart, I want to shout from rooftops that I am in this place of happiness based on being with someone who I find wonderful beyond belief.  I am with someone who can make me blush just at hearing his name.  His attention to detail, his wit, sense of humor, and intelligence help me strive to do better.

In my heart, I feel reborn with this relationship.  I am learning how to think in a more positive manner, how to understand better, and to be more supportive, and how to allow him in.  I am learning how to stand when it feels the world may crash around me without him beside me each day.  I am learning how to trust again, to feel emotions I have never allowed myself to have out of fear of abandonment or emotional backlash.

Never in my life did I think I would find someone on this earth who immediately calms my fears, gives me a sense of electricity in the air, and clarity.

Never did I think I would find someone who brings such joy into my life other than the joy brought by my children.  He brings such a sense of happiness when he walks into a room, smiles at me, or just glances at me that I have never felt before.

Never did I think I would also have that bittersweet knowledge that I am not able to see him on a regular basis.  I am not able to have dinner with him on a Thursday night - make plans for a Saturday afternoon - or help with something as simple as grocery shopping.  As I was reminded, each night I go to sleep alone.

When we are not together, there is a piece of me missing.  There is a hole in my heart that only fills when we are next to each other.  And for all the difficulties we face, it feels so much better when we are able to see the break of a new day together.  It is much more than chemistry - I feel as if I have met a person who simultaneously shares a thought with me without the need to say a word.  There have been times when I have said something to which he says "I was just getting ready to say that." Or, I have written about something within a blog or email that he has not seen and he brings the subject up.  In so many ways, for so many reasons, I feel this is the right person to trust with my heart, to trust with my life, and to love.  In being married, having other long term relationships, I have never felt that connection with someone else.

And, as everything must be in life, there is uncertainty of how we continue living 2,500 miles apart, have a relationship, and where we go from here.  In so much uncertainty, there are odd factors I have never felt before.  If asked, I would leave my own comfort zone to enter his, for no other reason than the belief that it was the right decision to make.  In the past, this has not been the case.  In the past, when contemplating a move, I told my then boyfriend I had no intentions of leaving the location I am living.

I never felt safe enough to leave my comfort zone for this other person, but with my guy I feel this very calming and peaceful feeling even at the contemplation of a move. I am ready and willing to make the necessary changes not due to the need to have a man in my life.  It is based upon the knowledge that  it feels like the right movement toward a path we can walk together. 

Time will tell, and hopefully our desire to be together will transcend concerns in a healthy matter.  Right now, the only thing I can do is say my prayers for us to be able to move forward, set goals, meet those goals, and be together.  Right now, I can only offer my support, be who I am, and continue to make strides for us to be together.

It's not much, but it's all I have

Giving your heart to someone else is risky business. There is the fear your heart may be broken, or that the feeling may not be returned.  There is the unknown factor that always accompanies the thought of allowing another into your heart, as well.  Will they be there for you in time of happiness when you want to tell them great news?  Will they be there, holding your hand, after a rough day, or even more - will they remain by your side when you feel everyone else has left?

When we give our hearts to another person, we want them to accept it, and us, with open arms. Our thought process changes from 'I' to 'we'.  We want to be seen as a cherished, precious gift in their lives because this is how we view them within our lives.  And for all the moments we had before knowing them, and before giving our hearts where we wondered if we would find someone, new moments enter where we share giggles, glances, minutes and hours attempting to ensure we make the other person happy.  It is not about the individual any longer.  It is now about working together as a team.

Giving your heart to someone is not the act of relinquishing our own personal identities, but growing into a new reality where math solutions are irrational of 1+1=1.

When we give our hearts to another, we realize the safety once felt in only relying upon ourselves must be adjusted.  We must allow the other person into the secret hallways of our thoughts, once only reserved for private thoughts.  In giving our hearts to another, we must remember that sharing our dreams, our hopes, and our desires is just as important as allowing the other person to also see our fears, our insecurities, and our needs.  It is in the action of admitting you sometimes need help that creates a stronger union, not the ability to maintain and take care of business all on your own.  If that were the case, what is the other person there for?  

Why allow someone into the foyer, the doorway of your heart, but not allow them into the actual home to wander around the hallways, the different rooms, and sometimes help when repair may be needed?

I have been fortunate enough to feel both sides of a person's heart.  Moments where I was excluded from his heart because he could take care of things on his own, and didn't want my help.  While the latter always reminded me he was able to do things on his own, as a stubborn 2 year old may attempt to struggle doing things on his own to show they are growing up, the relationship was never truly able to progress.  Focus was more on the individual rather than the couple.  Moments where his fears are shared, true emotion was shown, and a stronger union was formed.  These examples are from 2 separate people, and 2 separate scenarios, different relationships,and different stages of a relationship. But none-the-less, the intent remains the same where one person allowed me in, and the other continuously forced me out.  

I don't have much.  I am not the prettiest girl in the world.  I am also not the thinnest, the funniest, the smartest, the bravest, or the most compassionate.  I don't have a pocketbook filled with money, and will probably always have the need to work in order to pay my bills.  But when my heart is given to someone else, it is from a place of not only sentiment, but also in genuine effort to support the other person as best I can, ensure they know I am there for them, and help them accomplish their goals, their desires, and their dreams as I would hope they would do in return for me.  When my heart is given, it is not at a whim, but rather in sincerity.  In this, I don't have to be all those things I listed that I may not be.  I only have to be me.  I only have to be who I am, the person he also chose to give his heart to.

More than just an option

I'm more than just an option

Refuse to be forgotten

I took a chance with my heart 

And I feel it taking over

I have been treated like someone else's option in the past.  There is nothing worse than placing someone as a priority in your life, making sure you include them in your thoughts, plans, and general daily on-goings when they see you as nothing more than someone they frequently talk to.  I have never been one to give half of myself for anything - so why would I want to give half of myself in a relationship.  I have never been one to accept myself as something you can treat as gently as a disposable water bottle you may or may not recycle.  Yet so many times I have been treated as such...an option to pick up or drop whenever someone whims may have changed.

Being treated as an option comes with many ups and downs.  Not only do you often feel taken advantage of, but you start to wonder the intention of any person you may meet.  Because you are seen so slightly in the eyes of a person you find so significant in your own world, you tend to see others in a way you normally would not.  Kindness becomes suspicion of what someone may want from you, or what they may take from you.  You no longer believe someone else when they tell you they will do something, call you, or help you.  You no longer find yourself looking at the world for possibilities for new adventure - you look at the world wondering when you will be able to see at all.

Being treated as an option has caused me to treat someone in my life as I would want to be treated...
I want to be treated with love, respect, and honor.

Being treated as an option has taught me how to treat others....
and never forgetting to tell them how important, wonderful, and special they are to me.

As an option, you may be considered great for the moment.  In my heart, this is not only confusing, but against what I want others to feel about themselves.  As an option you may often feel you are happy with the scraps.  In my mind, this goes against how I would ever want someone else to feel.  Engaging in, interacting in, and showing interest in the other person should never be an option, it should be the natural inclination toward allowing that person to know how you feel about them, where they stand, and where your feelings lie within.

There are many days where I feel forgotten.  And at that moment, something happens to let me know that may not be the case.  Forgotten in the sense that I begin to wonder what I am doing, what am I thinking in actually offering hope for my feelings.  Forgotten in the way you feel something may have changed without your knowledge, or maybe what you thought was there was not really truly there.  Due to being treated as an option before, I am more inclined to feel forgotten due to my own fears of being left behind. 

Treating someone as an option not only belittles their abilities to treat you with respect, it eventually erodes whatever type of intimacy you may have had in the past, or could have in the future.  You are telling that other person you feel so little of them that you are willing to put them on the back burner at the drop of a hat for something or someone else who may come along. You are either all the way in, or just get the hell out.  I am more than just an option - I have feelings, I have intelligence, and I have a heart.  If you can not understand this, please do me the favor of letting me out while I have dignity remaining.
 

 

That sinking feeling

That sinking feeling...the moment you realize your hopes have been dashed, faith may be lost, and dreams are now gone.  The plans previously made are but a memory of what was when the dates arrive.  Your cognizance to promises made are now really just empty words, and truths may now be as horrible as a lie when the truth is no longer relevant.  The feeling of attempting to keep your head above water with weights tied to the bottoms of your feet.  And you are alone...again...

That moment when you have clarity that all may not be okay, and what you wanted has changed.  The moment who you wanted no longer wants you.  You are, again, alone.

It is funny how quickly this feeling can consume you.  Where once you would share tiny insignificant moments with the other person, you either are searching for something to say, or reaching for the phone realizing the person on the other end of the phone line is no longer who you can or should share this with.  Those tiny insignificant moments become huge monumental mountains to now trek across, and hope you have enough supplies to see you to the other side.  It is worse than the feeling of missing someone because you now understand that someone may not come back.  And you are alone...again...forced to face each dawn with new found aspiration that may not even exist any longer.

Upon looking at yourself in the mirror you wonder who that person in the reflection even is.  They appear to be the same person as the moment before your epiphany, having the same physical features of hair, eyes, nose, lips.  But it is what lies within the eyes, and what lies beneath the lips that create curiosity as to what is staring back at you.  You are no longer the same.  Your heart is no longer the same, your hands no longer able to hold what you found dear.  Your eyes view the world through a veil of fog from the hurt, from the pain.  And the tears that fall are those of anguish that will not be remedied soon.  You are, again, alone.

While you look at the exterior of what you know within the world, you wonder how the sun can still rise in the morning given your hurt.  You wonder why the birds sing their songs while your heart only echoes silence.  You may silently scream for those around you to be silent for the shear respect of your despair.  You feel the ground beneath your feet, but you don't realize where you are going, or even care to remember why you are traveling on the road in the first place.  For all purposes, your world has stopped, and you are finding the very act of breathing to be similar to smothering.  You are sinking in your own self-doubt.  And you are alone...again...

Unable to move for fear you will shatter what is left of your comfort zone, you allow yourself to quietly reflect on those moments that led to this.  You torment yourself with doubt, what if, should have, could have, would have, to find yourself in a dizzy tailspin emoting only exigent fear for always being alone, always feeling this way, and never finding yourself within that reflection again.  That sinking feeling, the overcoming, drowning, suffocating feeling that leaves you bereft, afraid, and once again, alone.

Ruminations

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil.
I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."
~ Marilyn Monroe

I drove home today...home being the place I grew up during the formative years of 7th through 12th grade. This is the place where I experienced my first "heartbreak", my first kiss, my first realization that my "friends" were probably auditioning for Mean Girls before the movie was even thought of. The place I knew like the back of my hand as I would take long walks through the woods, visit with my friends, and learn about life as a teen.

In going home, I am always amazed at how much things have changed, but really are the same. The high school has new buildings and solar panelled covered parking for students. But the method of getting to the school remains the same. The roads are a bit better, but at the same time still contain potholes with the ability of taking your wheel out. The church I was married in has a new coat of paint, but still has the stained glass windows I remember looking at during the ceremony. My parent's home feels like a mausoleum of times passed.

While being up in my hometown, I thought...I thought a lot. I thought about where I am now, and what disappointments the teenager I was would feel as the adult I am now without the knowledge of experience. I thought about the expectations of what was, and the realizations of what is. I thought about what I want most out of this life, my fears, my worries, and my desires.

I have a very blessed life. My life is filled with wonderful family, and extraordinary children. My life is filled with many friends, both old and new. I want to see them all happy, and realizing their dreams. That is the most blessed gift of all when you are able to see those you love attain their goals, big or small, and watch them blossom from the experience. If I could take upon myself their problems, and fix them, or take upon myself their worries to eliminate theirs, I would in a heartbeat.

I want to also be happy - but that is the wish of every human on the planet. In my happiness, which is also coupled with my desires, I want to be loved by a man who accepts me for who I am. I want to find that person who will compliment my thoughts, desires, needs, and life. I am really tired of being alone.

While I have had relationships, and am currently dating someone, that is far different from actually having someone there for you, holding you when you feel the world is crashing down, or celebrating with you when a success has been made. That is different from being with someone when they are sick, and you are taking care of them. That is different from when life hands you a great unforeseen surprise, and you are left trying to figure out what you are going to do, together, as a team. I have always felt so insecure in dating, only because it is difficult to determine the other person's level of commitment. And knowing my level of commitment being strong, it can sometimes alienate the other person. I am not expecting every relationship I have to lead to the big picture of my life. But I do hold the relationship in the same light of responsibility, respect, and honor as I did while I was married. To this, most men see me as a person who is trying to tie them down, make them settle down. This is even more true due to the fact I have children, and they may be afraid of the instant family syndrome.

You can not just add water to my children and I and POOF! think you will need to worry about their college education. I want someone to be there for me on my worst day, and still be able to tell me they love me, and wouldn't change a thing. I want someone to be there with me on my best day, and celebrate with me as if it was there own success to be had. In a relationship, my other half''s worst day is my worst day. In a relationship, my other half's best day is also my best day. This is what I want more than anything in my life - to have someone willing to do this with me, and actually doing it with me.

I want to not have the worries of money, or if I will be able to afford something as simple as gas in my car. I want to ensure my children have everything they need, and while they may not receive all they want - they will be thankful when receiving some of their wish list items. I am tired of worrying about whether or not I will be able to do something due to money. This is such a small consideration when attempting to be with the person I am dating and needing to travel to see him. Such a small consideration when wanting to get my daughter a new pair of shoes that I know she will not like in 6 weeks, or getting my son a new pair of jeans. This is such a small consideration when I know a friend is in need, and could use some money of their own to do something.

I want to remember the dreams of the teenage Ruthe, who thought anything was possible, and did not realize she could not do something. I want to be that person who was not afraid to take risks, was not afraid to show who she is, say what is on her mind, or show her feelings to those she cares about. I want to still look at life with verve and enthusiasm. In the years since I left my parent's house behind, I have been through very trying circumstances. I want to have ease from these circumstances, even if it is to just fall in love again with someone who will stay this time around. I want my kids to grow up feeling secure in who they are, and knowing they are loved beyond anything else in this world.

Possibilities - What would you give

Our level of commitment can make or break a situation, relationship, or habit. It is this commitment that determines how we react when things do not go as we expect, how we interpret the world around us, and the level of emotion needed.

Often times, in this world we live in today, we forget this level of commitment. We are so easy to assume the worst, not value what we have, or take for granted the goodness that surrounds us. We forget to be thankful to those who have always been there for us, or to be thoughtful to their needs when it is not the most convenient for our own timing. It is easy to take the goodness, but not always easy to return it. There is such a fine line between telling someone how important they are, how you care for them, what they mean to you, and failing to do so simply because you think they already are aware of this.

What would you give to have that one perfect moment again - whether this be the first time you met someone, the first time you kissed, the first time you held each other in crisis, or the first time you laughed so hard you cried with them? And, in this small moment of remembrance, why do we all not remember to capture the essence of these moments on a daily basis. It is not hard to say words of encouragement, or to tell someone how you feel about them. Yet, in our ever busy, ever changing society, we fail to do this regularly, if at all. We long to recapture moments where we were the true essence of ourselves, but have forgotten to show our true essence on a daily basis.

I often think back to moments where I felt that true essence. Those moments where you feel your stomach doing topsy-turvy butterfly somersaults. Those moments when I grabbed onto what I wanted, and knew it was okay. Those moments where I could feel this electricity within the air that was so stimulating I felt overwhelmed with possibility. I try every day to not forget this feeling, and never take those moments for granted. I attempt as often as I can to tell people how I feel, and let them know how important they are. And my situation of dating, romance, whatever it is I am doing is far different than what someone else's situation, experience, or expectations may be. But in this act, I feel I am able to recapture that moment within my heart, and hopefully within theirs as well.

I am learning on a daily basis the need to let others know how I feel about them. I am trying on a daily basis to share this emotion with those in my life when I am able to. Not as a side thought, but as a purposeful declaration. I am learning the need to tell others how great I think they are, and not based on an action but based on my feelings for them. When you open the door to this possibility of sharing how you feel, you not only will increase your level of intimacy with the other person, but also feelings of trust, love, sincerity, and friendship. In this opening of the door you will discover that essence of yourself, and allow others to feel that essence.

Trust and other misdeeds

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love,
listens but doesn't believe,
and leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe

I am not sure when it actually happened. My father was always there for me. I could always trust he would be there for me if I needed to talk, if I needed help, if I needed a hug. Growing up in a family with 2 parents I never learned to not trust, or fear that someone would leave. It was not even a question in my mind.

Trust is a fickle friend at times. Especially in dealing with relationships, other people, other people's thoughts. Trust is essential for any relationship. Regardless if this is a friendship or family member, dating or serious relationship, even co-workers and neighbors. If trust is lost, you learn to become paranoid of the unknown, what-if, and self-doubt.

Before I was married, I trusted with all my heart in anything I did. I believed I could climb the highest mountains, figure out the toughest of math equations, love without stopping, and be loved without someone leaving. During my marriage, I learned otherwise. I learned that even though someone may love you, they are not always around when you need them. That is true for even the healthiest of relationships.

From my marriage, I carried away a sense of abandonment by the person I thought would never abandon me. And for this, I carry wounds still very deep within my heart.

One of my fears, which is really just beyond what I should expect...being abandoned. It is not so much the fear of not having a relationship work. It is more the fear that I will become close to someone, develop feelings, and have that person walk out. Within this fear comes a paralyzing effect of doubt, worry, and ultimately wasted energy for something I can not control. That feeling of leaving before being left has never been my philosophy. I can understand why this could be a theory or philosophy of others, given the relationships that have left me bereft.

Due to my fear, I have learned to not let people in unless I have learned to trust them. I have a hard time opening up to others, letting them see my struggles for fear it will be too much. Letting someone in to realize I am not as perfect as they thought (perfect meaning I was what they wanted at the time) or I am not good enough is a constant battle within my heart. While I didn't grow up in this environment of distrust, I have learned patterns that may be too intense for others to understand, or to take on.

Being a single parent is not a lifestyle choice

I married when I was 21. 5 days after getting married, I learned I was pregnant. Before I turned 22, I had become a mom. I became a mom for the second time just shortly after turning 23. And somewhere between my wedding and the birth of my second child I knew my marriage would not be withstanding the tests of time.

There were many issues within my marriage. To list them now would just feel like walking through another person's story because it happened, and I have decided to move on, let go, and not carry the anger in my heart of mistakes made by him, or by me. I attempted to hold things together as you would use super glue on a broken vase. Yet, when the vase has been dropped more than once, you lose pieces essential to the shape and design of the original piece. Toward the end of living with my husband, I was suffering anxiety and panic attacks at monumental daily records. I was 109 lbs, and on a daily basis I was afraid to go home after work for fear of what was waiting for me on the other side of the front door.

Being a single parent has been a struggle. It is not the same as deciding where you are going to eat on your lunch hour, what clothes you want to wear, or even what route you want to take anywhere you go. It isn't like I woke up one morning and thought - "You know, I think having my kids' dad around and staying married is just not what I want to do today." It was an eventual erosion of mistakes and misdeeds done by both parties. In addition to working full time, supporting my children without help from their father, I am also the sole person responsible for being their personal chauffeur, chef, coach, teacher, nurse, accountant, mentor, and disciplinarian. There is no one helping me in the mornings with gathering lunches together, unless I ask my son. There is no one helping me in the chores around the house unless I can have help from either kid. There have been times when I was not sure how I would pay my bills, much less worry about a birthday party or Christmas presents. And through it all, my kids have never seen my once storming anger toward their father, or even know my true feelings about a person I pledged my life to.

No, this is not a lifestyle choice. This was a decision out of necessity. Most single parents do not "opt" to be alone, or attempt to do this on their own. This was not something I did in a whim. This was a means to a better end for both myself, and my kids, but also my husband.

As a single parent, I am truly and utterly offended when someone says "oh, you are a single mom."

Really?

Or when attempting to date someone who is trying to be nice, but also probably worried about what my extra baggage will cost them in the long run, "Wow, you have kids. I am not sure about the kid thing."

Really? Thank you, Captain Obvious. Not only have you dug up every fear of my never finding a mate due to being a single mom, but you managed to yet again make me feel like I somehow chose to be living this life as I must.

Really, I applaud you for your assumed sincerity, but at the same time please don't do me any favors.

I am sure there are other single parents out there who may be actively searching for the other half of the parenting team, and desire a mother or father for their kids. There are a number of reasons why someone has to walk the road of single parenthood beyond divorce; death being one of them. But I am not actively searching for a father to my kids. They have a father. I am not looking for someone to take me on financially while I sit idly by and quit everything I do. The assumption I would give more responsibility to another person than what they may want is not only hurtful, but also a recipe for disaster. I am searching for love, for acceptance, and for joy. I am not wanting others to look at me and think "Oh, poor Ruthe" and feel the need to care for me in any other way than that of love. I do not want others looking at me and thinking "Yikes! Single mom. That means lots and lots of eventual drama."

This would be similar to me telling someone "Wow, you are going bald," "Wow, you are old," or "Wow, you lack intelligence." There are some things you can not help as an individual. I don't point out obvious flaws within someone else, so why point out the fact I am a single mom as if it is a flaw. I can not change this aspect of my life in being a mom, nor would I ever want to.

You create your own drama. You create your own situations for the most part. And if I feel you are worthy of meeting my kids, don't turn around and use that as your weapon of choice to walk away.

Things NOT to write in a Christmas card

Last Christmas was probably the first time in years I was in the holiday mood. I was so excited to have the Christmas tree up. Once up, I had 13 strands of lights on the thing that it blew a breaker and I had to find extension cords that would work for various plug-ins around the living room. I wanted to share my good will toward all by adopting a family and helping them with food and presents during the holiday season. I was SO excited to see the kids open their presents, to spend time with family, and enjoy everything the season had to offer.

I worked in an office where I had been employed for over 4 years. In that four years it was customary to give each other Christmas cards. Last year, while having good cheer, I decided I was only going to give cards to those I wanted to, and be genuine in my actions. That was, until I received a Christmas card from my ex-boyfriend, who was also working at the same company.

"Dear Ruthe Anne Lane (may I still call you that?)

I sincerely hope you believe me when I say that I am really sorry for the way things have worked out between us. I wish it would have been different. Everytime I pass you in the hallway, I want to smile or say "hello" to you. I don't know if you are angry with me or just don't want to acknowledge me right now. I would understand -- whatever the reason- it just hurts me to feel this silent tension from someone with whom I shared some wonderful experiences.

I don't know what you are doing this holiday, but whatever it is, I hope you, Emberleigh, and Tyler all have a wonderful Christmas this year.

Love always,
Michael"

Um, wow! When I first read it I was extremely upset. I was angry. How could he give me a card after starting a new relationship with someone else while we were still together? I believe this is called cheating. But then, I burst into a good healthy laugh. I was no longer pining for this idiot. I was happy to not deal with his issues any longer. As I shared this with friends, we came up with clever ways to respond, if I ever responded. Below are two of the options.

My response:
"Dear Michael,

Thank you for your warm holiday wishes, and, no, you may not call me that any longer.

Had you not lied, made excuses, or cheated things would be different. I have moved on, and don't feel the need to live in the past.

Enclosed you will find a pack of matches. Due to this being the season of good will to all men, I've decided to give them to you rather than use them on you. They will accompany the bag of coal (also enclosed) to keep you warm this season.

Many happy returns,
Ruthe"

An option submitted by a friend, Jessica Higgins:
"Hello,

First let me begin while it was nice of you to get me this card. You could just have said Merry Christmas. However you decided to try and turn a simple card into a way to sound like a nice guy so let me take a mo...ment to answer some of your dumb questions (and really who asks questions in Christmas card? you need to be in the special class by the way).

#1 - no you may not call me by my middle name. You aren't my mother and the fact you had to ask leads me to believe that you knew you couldn't. ...

#2 no you probably shouldn't talk to me because when you could you caused too many problems for me both professionally and personally. So its probably best that you do the whole nod and smile and walk away. Also and this the most important since you have a problem with the truth and you've decided to start a relationship with someone who used to be a friend of mine, and I told you was opportunistic and just overall disgusting and had the nerve to hide it from me. What makes it better you probably were cheating on me because you couldn't be man enough to just end it...I think its probably best that we just don't speak. And when you have an opportunity look up silent treatment you should. Then think of how I treated you the last few months. See a pattern here? Ok good.

#3 if you see me driving at a high rate of speed do not A. Wave, and B. Step in front of me. You will get hit.

#4 you haven't changed and you need to grow a backbone. Once you have maybe we can speak, but since I have never heard of someone growing a backbone after birth please refer to #2.

#5 I know this is a lot to take in so I will keep this short. A card with these corny lines will not aid in your forgiveness. You are still scum and deserve whatever comes your way. Maybe the clap. Also when I asked for items back it isn't a joke. Please return them. Finally Merry Christmas. I know that writing this makes you feel better and maybe gives you some sort of piece of mind, but really it doesn't make me feel any better. You are a loser.

Enclosed you will note a bomb. Yeah a bomb because you are a cry baby and I am going to have to blow this up. Because any evidence of me speaking to you is frowned upon. I know this from personal experience. We also know you can't keep your mouth shut. Any chance you get it you run and tell.

Have a great holiday loser.

I am happy and healthy. It is a wonder what happens to a person when they finally find happiness and a healthy relationship.

Goodbye,

P.S. Holiday cards are not required. So next time there is a holiday that requires a card just say Merry Christmas...it will prevent this awkward experience from happening again"

Sometimes the bad guys also wear a white hat

I remember watching old Westerns with my dad every Sunday afternoon in between AM and PM sessions of church. The good guys were always tall, handsome, rugged in an intriguing sort of way. They were clean-shaven. They always wore this crisp hat, light colored mostly, that didn't ever seem to have a speck of dust. They were always there to lean on, to carry someone's bags, walk someone across the dusty streets, and be everyone's friend.

Everyone, that is, except the bad guys. Different from the good guys, these men were noticeably different. They were not as tall as the good guys, not as handsome as them either. Their clothes were always dingy, face always dirty, and facial hair present. They were gruff, and mean, and wore dirty hats that looked as if they had seen better days. They weren't helping old ladies - they were antagonizing the old ladies.

Fast forward to today. I wish this same analogy were true. I wish all the good men wore a symbolic white hat to determine them against the symbolic wearing dark hat men. For it seems everytime I think I meet this white brimmed man, he really turns out to be just another person either afraid to commit, afraid to talk, or in the end, very self-centered. Sometimes the bad guys also wear a white hat.

For every relationship I have been in, there has been a combination of good and bad. This is just not on behalf of the other person. With each new person, you learn new things about yourself. You learn new things you may enjoy, new things you do not enjoy, and quite possibly a new way to hurt. My long term relationships consist of my marriage that lasted 9 years of us being together, 3 years of separation before a divorce. After my ex-husband and I separated I was in a relationship with a friend for 10 months. Some of this time was spent long-distance with him working as a merchant Marine. After that, I dated my ex-boyfriend for nearly 5 years, with a brief break (and surely, a sign of insanity) for 9 months when I dated a co-worker. In each, I was a completely different person than I am today. In each, however, I always tried to show him how I felt, offer my patience during their own personal trials, and try to be a supportive person regardless of the hard times. And eventually, for one reason or another, it ended.

In all these relationships, there is a similar factor - me. What is it that I am doing wrong? In my attempts to show someone that I care do I alienate them when they assume I am pressuring them for more, or moving too fast? As long as I know we are together, and you are not wanting to be with someone else, I am willing to wait and see where things go. Is it the possible responsibility to my having children, and the obstacles that may entail. If so, I am not looking for a "daddy" or even a step-father. I am looking for, longing for, and seeking for someone who will encourage my kids, but not be responsible for their actions if they act up. The list of excuses could be a mile long as to why you were once a good guy, and now you transitioned into the opposite, but the fact of the matter is I appreciate honesty, and would rather be told the truth than think it is something I have done, or not be told anything at all as they (whoever the individual is) simply just stop calling.

I am a highly sensitive person and notice when things change. I notice when the voice on the other end of the phone has a different tone. I notice when an email or text message that used to contain many words now only contains 2. I notice when we used to call in the morning, we would talk during the day, and we would talk at night to not having a call. This is my struggle, to not assume something has changed unless being told something has indeed changed. To try to seem nonchalant with whomever the conversations above may be involved with. And when this happens, it always has me thinking it is something I have done, and typically that is not even the case.

Sometimes you don't know what will happen. Sometimes you can everything in common, think the same way, say the same things, and have the same tendencies only to realize that he wasn't necessarily a bad guy, he just was not wearing the right hat.

Closing my heart off

I am an extremely sensitive person. I have been told this my entire life. And growing up until now, situations I have been in only lead to more sensitivity. If I think someone is upset with me, I back off. If I think I have disappointed someone, I try to go above and beyond to never disappoint again. I try to give my all, all the time. But what if what I am doing will never be good enough, or the right way to do it?

My heart has been bruised in so many ways. It should come with a warning sign "Heart bruised, handle with care." It has been bruised, but each time I somehow manage to get up again. Others may think I am strong - but that is not the case. I am not strong in so many ways...most of the time I am afraid of my own shadow, and hoping to just make those around me happy. I find my strength in my faith, I find strength in my family...beyond that I am fragile. I can act valiant if given the chance, but acting and being are not the same thing, now are they?

How many times have I just sat back, and let life go by for the simple sake of not wanting to cause issues, or raise concerns? How many times have I felt the sting of feeling ignored, or not knowing why someone may be upset where I patiently waited for them to shed light on the issue. Coming from some of the circumstances I have been in, I have learned to let the situation calm before attempting to solve anything. Maybe it is out of fear I do this; fear of knowing the truth of how I have disappointed someone, or made them upset. Maybe it is out of a need to just know I am not lashing out at the other person.

Sometimes I wonder if I read situations incorrectly. You know - you see something that was done unintentionally but still feel that tinge of pain in your heart? In going from happiness to sadness at the flip of a coin. I know that I share much with those in my life if I am upset, but only once the hurt is over. It is up to that point I am a closed book.

Right now, at this very moment, this is how I feel. I feel this awkward silence that may be all in my head. It could just be me, reading the situation incorrectly, and wanting something more than what the other is able to provide. It would be helpful, incredibly helpful, to have some type of bravery to speak up. But the last time I did this it resulted in my heart being broken. The last time I didn't vow to close my heart to anything new, but I didn't intend to disclose so much emotion. I could say I was brave in showing these feelings in the first place. I could say I tried my best, or that I was fearless in expression. But, at the end of the day, if the other person does not reciprocate due to many reasons, all I am is the person who gave and did too much.

I don't want to close off my heart to the possibilities that may be there in the future. I am always willing to show who I am, good or bad. I don't want to come off as someone who is hard, or unapproachable. I also don't know if I can possibly have my heart bruised again, and in such a way that I react by closing off my heart.

I don't wish to read someone's mind...I don't wish to know what the other person is thinking 100% of the time. But I also don't wish to feel left out. If you don't feel the same way, letting me know is better than continuing a farce or have me believing thing are okay. Kind of funny coming from someone who won't confront others, almost self-righteous. But I will probably never confront you about how I am feeling, so someone has got to do it.

Hands down

I have ring tones within my phone that help me identify if or when I would like to answer the phone. Up until about 2 weeks ago when my phone had an emotional breakdown, pretty much every number in my phone had one of these ring tones...

Some of my ring tones are surprising to others...I have rap, cartoon themes, Christian, punk, rock, classic rock, alternative, college fight songs; pretty wide variety of song snippets. If someone calls that either does not have a ring tone, or a new number not programmed into my phone, I hear "My Girl." And of those with ring tones I have actually gone in and replaced since my phone melt down, my favorite is Dashboard Confessionals "Hands Down".

Yes, it may be my favorite song when someone calls me based on the person calling. Obviously, that sound makes my heart race, a smile cross my face at the thought of hearing the other person on the opposite end of the line. The light guitar playing, the lyrics singing out "My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer". I know that on the opposite end of the line is the voice I long to hear at any point during my day. It is the voice that instantly lifts my mood, and makes me forget about any issues that may be pressing at the moment.

It really is a shame that for this particular ring tone doesn't belt out my favorite part of the song. The part that makes me smile, makes me feel justified in why I chose this song for the caller. "Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers..." This part of the song always reminds me of a first kiss, a first glance, a first encounter with someone where you actually feel your heart pumping the blood through your veins, and you are thankful to feel alive. It is the point where you finally have something realized, actualized, out of body experience you know you wanted, but didn't know the other person wanted until that exact moment in time. It is the pulse that races from sheer and utter exhilaration, joy, and elation. It is the most innocent moment of a kiss shared that makes you feel the world has melted, and you are the only two left. It is that amazing feeling like a kid again but experiencing the moment as an adult enjoying the moment, and not letting it go.

The reason for this song as the ring tone is due to all those wonderful things listed above. All those wonderful hopes, elation, excitements, exhilaration...Hands down, he makes me feel this way every time I hear his voice on the phone, see him in person, feel his touch, or smell the nape of his neck.

Accountability

Accountability...what a word. This word can make or break friendships, relationships, working environment, and define where you may decide to spend your money through a retailer, service provider, or food establishment.

I am a person who is usually on time for everything. I hate being late to work, and typically arrive at least 15 minutes in advance. When going to the airport I like to get there so far in advance I may as well book an earlier flight. I attempt to always make good on calling people back, showing up when expected, and doing what I say I will do. I find that this is not only respectful of others, but also a great respect to myself, and to who I am.

I have an extremely hard time with others who are not accountable. Those that are consistently late, consistently saying they will do things and don't, or consistently not living up to the action they proclaim with their words. It is easier to say you may not be able to do something rather than over extend and fail to do what you said you would do. If someone tells me they are calling, I believe them. If someone says they are going to show up, I take them at their word.

I have not always been this way. There was a time I almost lost a job in college due to tardiness. The tardiness was due in part to going to school a good 15 miles from where I worked, and there not being any more than a one lane road for a majority of my travels, poor time management, and lack of confidence to request a schedule 30 minutes later than what I was being given. It was through this experience that I have learned the value of being on time, respect, and appreciation for what I have.

Please let this feeling last

My life is, for the most part, beautiful. I have been very fortunate in my life. I have a wonderful immediate family with my parents who sometimes drive me crazy but always hold me when I fall, brothers who openly tell me they love me without hesitation as adults. I am fortunate to have been married into (and subsequently divorced out of) a family with whom I am still close to, feel their love from miles away, and spending time with them is on the top of my favorite things to do. I have two beautiful children who think for themselves, are thoughtful toward others, and know the value of what family means. I have been blessed with intelligence and wit, of friends who are my family and offer tremendous support. By all accounts of life, and by the score card of my life, I am truly blessed.

Life is not always so beautiful. Especially when you feel down-trodden by what circumstances may offer. One moment you feel you are at the summit of happiness, dwelling in the sunshine of all your diligence. The next moment you are reminded that the valley of despair is actually where you are residing, and the acme summit was more of a desert mirage; something that appeared to be true but was in actuality an illusion of your own creation. Small moments lend to the bigger ideals of your future, but sometimes those small moments feel like a lifetime if pain may be involved. Life is filled with birth and death, of sorrow and laughter, of good and bad. But life is more about how you may see a situation, and give way to possibility than it is giving in to the pain.

Gary Allan sings a song called "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" that sums this tragedy into simple lines of "Life ain't always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes, Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride." His song was about the tragedy of losing the person intended to spend a lifetime with, his wife. But it lends itself to the pain of all who may listen to the lyrics...really listen to what he was trying to say to his wife that offers beauty in spite of tragedy, hope in spite of impossibility, and moving forward in spite of wishing to remain in the past.

I have had the good fortune of being able to see loss as positive. It is not always seen in the moment, and sometimes I have curled myself into a fetal position praying for the morning to lend itself more strength than the day I am attempting to flee. And once around the bend of Sorrow Turnpike, being able to see that light at the end of the tunnel is nothing short of spectacular. This is where I am right now.

I have spent the past week feeling so completely enraptured in possibility. The possibility that makes me dance with renewed strength, sing out loud at the top of my lungs, and laugh until tears spill forward. It is something I have not felt for what seems eons. It is something I have yearned for, and something I have come to understand starts with who I am, what I do, and how I react to my environment. Being held, being told how wonderful you are, and believing the other person tell you is nothing short of faith in action. Faith that I will not be hurt this time, or become vulnerable in ways that will only suffocate the simplistic power actually being offered.

In a world so filled with hatred, I am looking into the face of possible love. It is beyond scary feeling this way; beyond what my feeble mind can sometimes handle. I just know I don't want the feeling to pass. I don't want to wake up again in the valley only to realize I was swallowed into the dreams of a desert mirage. I don't want these moments to end. I find myself praying for ongoing joy, and to allow myself open to new ideas. I find myself praying for health, for a time when I can once again be united, and spend more than just a few days in the peak of life. I want a lifetime. Where once there was a heart that had mended is now a heart with a new opening for exciting adventure. I am enjoying the ride, and wanting it to never end. I never want this feeling to end. If I could offer one small, meager prayer, it would be to allow this feeling to last.

Random thoughts for a night I can not sleep

Can't sleep. Seems to be an ever present theme in my life. Sure, I will go through phases where I get to sleep (actual sleep) by 9pm; those phases typically do not last very long. It isn't that I have much on my mind, that I am worried or stresses. There isn't really anything keeping me up except the inability to lay down.

Completely random thoughts are the reason for this posting. Nothing more, nothing less tonight. So, here it goes...

I love my life right now. It is definitely not perfect, though. In fact, there are many things I would like to have differently. But at this very moment, right now, I am content with what I have. I know I may have more in the future, but hopefully I never have less. I have had more in the past but strangely am okay with letting go, and moving on.

I am so blessed to have this family by birth, blood, marriage, someone else's marriage, friendship. Every day I get to wake up and realize how much more I love them.

I can't wait for the day when I can fully be able to exercise again without the issue of back pain. To the lady who hit me in March: thanks! Really appreciate being rear-ended, and also not being able to have a way to run off some energy!

I have that stupid song from Cinderella stuck in my head right now..."Someday my prince will come..." That is agitating to say the least. When is someday, and why hasn't that day arrived yet.

It scares me how big my children are getting. I look at Emberleigh and she is almost as tall as me. She is growing into a beautiful, opinionated little woman who has so much to offer this world. I look at Tyler who is just the best kid to hang out with when I am feeling down, and always has a way of making me smile.

I wonder if the people who cut you off in traffic, then have the nerve to flip the universal peace sign ever get that same treatment. Maybe it has happened to them SO many times they decided if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Will I EVER be able to get to Italy! Seriously, that is on my list of 35 before 35...and 35 is about 8 months away on Sunday (yes, I really am counting down).

Speaking of that list, I really need to see if there is ANYTHING else I can take off!

I miss Stephanie very much right now! I miss the days when we were both in college, renting movies, doing cross-stitch and drinking tea like little old ladies. I am lucky to have great friends that surround me every day, but there is nothing like your best friend to make you smile.

I am trying to mentally pack for 2 California trips, and a trip to New York City in my head. I hate bringing too much, but what if I forget something and can't live without it.

Seriously, when will I be able to lay down and sleep.

Kissing the proverbial frogs for my prince has gotten me nowhere except trying to avoid the crazies

So, the past few weeks have been very busy. Kids gone, so I have more time to play. I have taken up the projects of drawing a Fenway image for a friend, Steve, and recovering another friend, Jessica's dining table chairs. So, my playtime has at least been productive. I feel really great about life right now, and feel things are just getting better. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, plenty of things I can do to keep me entertained.

EXCEPT

I hate being alone...I hate not having anyone to spend time with. I don't think this is a weakness given I can entertain myself in plenty of ways. I enjoy being by myself and having Ruthe time, but I also enjoy being around others. Today, I left work early because I was not feeling well. I knew I needed to go to urgent care given the lack of enthusiasm a doctor has when just "dropping in" instead of having an appointment. As I am driving home, I was so overwhelmed with loneliness. I have pretty much always had someone to sit with me and hold my hand when I am not feeling well. It saddened me to realize there was not anyone I could call to come down and do this for me. The person who used to come out and support me is not a person I can call and ask any longer. Everyone else is either at work, has kids that should not be within the danger zone for germ city, or unable to make a trip. So, here I am, in pain, not feeling well, and in tears because I don't have this. I felt so alone. And, it occurred to me I was not missing that one person who used to sit with me, it was just the idea of that person. I was lucky enough to receive text messages of support, which was helpful.

This being alone thing is so awful at the most random of times. A couple weeks ago I was watching this sappy lovey dovey romantic comedy...by myself. You know the type: girl meets guy, girl wants to marry guy, guy leaves for business to Ireland, girl decides to travel to Ireland to surprise him and propose to him, but along the way finds another great guy who is more aptly suited for her...blah blah blah...at least I was able to see the Irish countryside in the movie. Anyhow, in the movie this girl wants nothing more than to get engaged to her boyfriend. Her journey takes unexpected turns, and along the way she randomly attends a wedding for strangers. The bride and groom are very hospitable and allow her to attend their reception. At the reception, the bride delivers a toast to the groom...

"May you never steal, lie or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. And if you must cheat, then please cheat death, because I couldn't live a day without you"

Fast forward about 30 minutes after this when I am in full crying mode wondering when and if I may ever hear those words...

I know deep down that if I kiss enough of the proverbial frogs I will end up with one amazing prince charming.

I am just sick of kissing the frogs. They smell, they are rude. They break your heart at the drop of a dime and then wonder why you are so surprised...they knew their actions but conveniently forgot to tell you.

The worst things about being single? This does not include such things as not having someone to call when you get to work to let them know you are okay, eating alone, sleeping alone, not having someone to laugh with, share your fears with, get advise from, etc. No,the worst thing about being alone is just that...you are alone. Your whole life you may have tried to put others first, and when you are alone it is only you. You don't have to "answer" to someone, or explain your thoughts, or laugh with someone else. Nope, you are alone. There is no one there to do that with. Being alone is okay for a moment, but not for very long. That is when I have to find projects to do. I cleaned my entire house yesterday from top to bottom. I dusted the baseboards around my carpeting for something to do. Thank God I have friends with whom I can do things with, otherwise I would decide to have more projects than I do right now.

What is the next worst thing about being single? The terrible expectation of meeting someone. This is by far one of the downsides to not being with someone you care about. You have gone from spending time with someone, having little inside jokes, making plans as a couple, staying in and watching movies just to cuddle, and holding their hand. That is not an easy thing to replace or to find within another human being.

This is also when you realize how many crazy people there are out there in this world, and suddenly they all know your name. Sure, they all have different names, different genders, different places where they live. but ultimately they reside in a little town called Crazyville.

Crazy person #1
This is the "friend" you only talk to because you used to work together, used to play in the sandbox, know their family, or just don't have the heart to request an exit ticket from their life. Because you know too many mutual people you can't make the graceful exit, and why? You searched for the door but they do not have door knobs.

Crazy person #2
Similar to crazy person #1, this is someone who has mutual friends of yours, only you don't remember them. They talk to you in the comfortable way you would talk to a best friend, then proceed to tell you they always had a crush on you...um...awkward! And does your wife know you are saying this to another chic? I wouldn't be happy if I was her.

Crazy person #3
Random people you meet while out with friends. These crazy people are those who are too forward, too aggressive, and not considerate that maybe you just wanted to hang out with your friends and not be attacked. I will admit to sometimes talking to someone while out with friends, but that is a rare occasion.

Crazy person #4
Ex's from a distant galaxy ago. You were able to remain cordial to one another, able to maintain some dignity after a break up. But now they are just like crazy person #2. They tell you in the middle of your heartbreak (let's say one or two days after the dirty breakup occurred) that they still have feelings...really? That was years ago. This person is not so much crazy as they are hopeful in ways you are not ready for.

Crazy person #5
"We should meet up and do something" person who you finally agree to hang out with. What happens? They impact your residency within the city called Alone by being on their phone the entire time you are out. The ENTIRE time. If you wanted to talk to whoever is one the other end of the phone, why did you invite me out to do something? I'd rather be at home alone, by myself, than be alone while with this person.

Crazy person #6
The pity party friend. You know who this is the minute you try to just move on from your heartbreak. These are the people who LOVE when you are hurting because they need the company. They are miserable and want you to remain as miserable for as long as possible. Everything that comes out of their mouth is quoted from "The Big Book of Negativity", and you feel like you are dirty after the time with them and need a cleansing shower of positivity.

Fortunately, I don't have many of these crazies in my single status life right now. Fortunately I have a plethera of friends and family. Fortunately I am still willing to kiss the frogs because I know my prince is out there, somewhere. I will have someone telling me to not steal,lie, or cheat as I heard in that corny movie. When the timing is right, stars align, and the heavens open I will have that again, and better than the other times in my life where I was in love. Better because I was ready and didn't play the silly games of the crazies, or the unrealistic expectations that only set me up to fail.