Scar Tissues that I wish you saw...

It is funny how someone can touch your life.  There are those that come in for a short time, filling our lives with immense joy.  Others who remain for a lifetime as a source of strength.  And then there are those that come in, cause destruction left and right, and scars so deep you feel the Grand Canyon exists within your soul.

This is what the last relationship I was in has done to my heart.  Where once there was happiness, once there was a desire to talk to him, support him, and help him, it is now a black hole within my heart that I hope in time will recuperate so that I can move on with my life, with him only serving as a blur.

It is not easy, being single.  It is not easy to meet people, especially those with whom you want to maintain contact with.  It isn't easy to find someone worth 2 minutes of your time, much less 2 minutes worth of the bullshit you wasted while learning they weren't worth your time.  And thanks to the last relationship I was in, I have so many apprehensions about trusting another man.

When betrayal has occurred in a relationship, when lies were present, when the other person opted to withhold rather than divulge, you are left with this feeling that protecting your heart is of the utmost priority.  Unfortunately, this also puts you on a high alert that pales in comparison to any national security alert that we could go through.  You look at people differently.  Instead of accepting someone at face value, you wonder when they are going to deceive you.  Instead of enjoying your time getting to know who that other person is, you are waiting for them to deceive you.  Instead of letting someone in, you maintain a 5 foot rule upon your heart at all times.

It hurts.  It hurts that when someone tells me I am special to them I am waiting for them to also lie to me about their intentions.  It hurts that when I see them on their cell phone checking email or text messages I am wondering if they are looking at something from the other person they are seeing that I am unaware of.  It hurts that I am always suspicious of what I am being told, what I am being led to believe, and what may actually be truth don't seem to align.  It hurts to care about someone, then have them disappoint you in such a way you feel you may not recover.  It hurts that I get to walk around, feeling like I am on a tightrope 100% of the time, waiting to fall without any safety net. 

The damage the last relationship did to my heart goes far beyond anything I can describe.  The secrets, the lies, the omissions, the deceit.  All of it waged upon my heart like a firing squad.  I never even stood a chance because you can't make the right decisions for yourself and those that you care about when you are basing them on the lies you are being told.  All I wanted to do was support him, care about him, and have the same in return.  Instead, I was emotionally spat upon.  I don't know when I will ever be over the actions he carried out so precisely like a hit man upon my heart.

Just when I think I am getting over it, moving forward, something new always pops up to remind me.  A memory, something someone says, a smell, the mention of a place...And then it floods in.  All that doubt about why someone who claimed to care could discard me so callously.  All that confusion of how you can care for someone, love them, support them, and they return to you with lies.  And just like that, all my wounds surface as if he is sitting across from me right now, telling me the lies he told me all over again.  It is the emotional equivalent of whiplash...only there is no one to adjust your heart...no one to make things right with him ever again...nothing that will remove that pain I feel at this moment.  The wounds are so fresh at this moment I am beyond words to even express my pain.  I am not angry, but rather I am so numb to what has been done.

I just want to move on.  I want to experience true happiness for longer than 5 minutes with the memory of you dancing in the background.  I want to not feel so much pain when I see a picture of you.  I want to not have tears well in my eyes at the thought of what lies you told me, and how you sit there, so smug, thinking you got away with the robbery of my heart and feelings.  I want to not think about you anymore.  I want to know that when I wake up tomorrow I won't have a single thought about the pain you have placed in my life. I want to never think about why you treated me like a scrap of paper, discarded when no longer needed.  I want to remember what it is like to have someone actually give a damn about me, care for me, and take me into consideration rather than fill my ears with what you have deemed 'appropriate'.  I want to no longer deal with the scars, or wonder if i will ever feel the ability to trust again.  I want to feel again, I want to love again, I want to be myself again, unafraid to share my heart, and unafraid to trust.

Thanks for the scars, GL.  Thank you for all the pain I am feeling right now as you sit smugly thinking you are getting away with it.  Thank you for taking my heart, and smashing it.  Thank you for that level of sensitivity you behold that truly is note-worthy.  Thank you for helping create so much doubt within my mind, body, soul and heart based upon your actions.  Thanks for the scars...

Leaving the past behind

Some things are better left in the past rather than reliving them.  Some moments in the past do not need to be revisited if they are only going to cause pain.  Moving forward, pressing through the difficulties is the path to healing.  Not going through the "what if's" that, at the end of the day, have no answer.  They are imaginary, unrealistic, and not worth the energy you may focus upon them.

This is the greatest advise...so easy to give someone who may be hurting, may be suffering.  But to listen to this advise for yourself is harder.  Especially when this concerns a matter of your heart.  I would be the greatest hero in my own life if only I could follow this advise myself.  I would be the savior to my pains in so many ways if I could remember this.

In leaving the past behind, there are plenty of cliches one may always be told.  Maybe cliche is not the right word, but those things people always tell you.  "God has a plan for you," "Something better is on it's way," "Everything will be okay, just wait and see" are all very thoughtful things to tell someone, but they stab at your heart if you are on the receiving end.  Whatever that past hurt may be, it takes time.  

It isn't that I want to relive the past.  I don't want to suffer through the pains I have ever felt in my life on purpose.  No one wants to do that to themselves, nor do they do this intentionally.  It is just part of being human, being a person with emotion and sensitivity.  Being someone who, at one point, gave a damn.  I want to remember the pain enough to avoid it in the future, but not enough to allow control in my current day. And in knowing the difference, you have already conquered some of yesterday's demons waiting to drag and claw you down.  Any previous hurt, any previous exchange of misery, any previous belief of hope that has been changed due to circumstance - I want to move forward from this.

In my personal point of view, it isn't that I believe I was lied to, that he lied to me. It was time was actually spent on creating, procuring, and believing the lie he has formed inside his mind.  It isn't that you lied, it is that you allowed omission to enter into the scenario.  It is that you thought so little of me, you believed a lie would be better than truthfulness.

Leaving the past behind...what a wonderful thought, what a wonderful sentiment, what a wonderful gift to bestow upon yourself that only you can bestow.  No one else can do this for you - it is something you must decide, act, envision, and perform on a minute to minute basis some days until it eventually is day to day, then eventually thought of less and less.  Time is a very fickle friend, because it will also allow you to remember the great times as well, overshadowing much of the hurt.  Don't waste your time on a past that is clearly not what was intended for you.  Don't waste time thinking those moments will come back - it will only prolong your own path to healing.  Eventually you will have forgiveness, and the happiness you deserve.

Random little acts of hate

The kids go to a charter school owned and operated by a local Boys & Girls Club organization.  It is a small school filled with 250 smiling faces willing to learn.  The principal of the school is a staunch by loving adult within their lives, active in every aspect of the daily classroom activities for her Kindergarten through 8th graders.  Every quarter she hosts an awards ceremony for the kids, presents them with awards for Honor Roll, Principal's List, Perfect Attendance, Citizenship.  In attendance are the teachers, fellow classmates, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles.  And while you sit in the "Big Gym" she asks the kids "Where are we going?"  to which the kids shout back "We're going to college."  As each child hears their name called, they come down the wooden bleachers, she hands them their award, and each child shakes the teachers hands in a line, similar to accepting a high school or college degree.  It is her hope that as they receive this training in her school, they will crave that higher degree and pursue their dreams.

In an atmosphere filled with positive feedback, you have the surrounding neighborhood.  While the school may be the haven of hope to those children and parents, the neighborhood is nothing short of scruffy, difficult, rough, and not a place you would want to get lost at night.  It is filled with old people, young people, the streets are littered with cars that may just park in the center of the street.  Driving down the streets it is not unusual to see dogs running loose, 2 year-olds darting into the road, and general mayhem to the outsider.  It is a neighborhood filled with industrial shops, auto-mechanics, and primary population of Hispanics.  Of those Hispanics,  1/4 are not here legally.  While the streets at one time may have been a sense of pride to the city, it is now littered with small crime, drug use, and general disorganization.

The kids have attended this school since the 2006 - 2007 school year.  For the outside community, the property the school is on can be considered a safe place due to a Boys & Girls Club being located on the premises.  They have outstanding testing scores, and students are at a higher learning curve than other schools, both private, public, and / or charter.  This is the main reason why the kids still attend this school.  The kids that attend this school have a great sense of pride for their school, the buildings, the teachers, and the learning process.  They understand and appreciate the facilities, equipment, and adults who are working with them.  While the neighborhood may feel chaotic, the premises of the school / club is that of peace.

This is the location where so many wonderful childhood memories are formed for the students.  This is where they learn to trust adults, understand how the world works, and about the arts.  It is a unique school where they focus on the arts, and the importance of learning the of math and drawing, and the relation between the two.  This is a location chosen to be celebrated by local government, state government and federal government officials like U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings, athletes and celebrities like Jay-Z and LeBron James.  These entities coming to their school, telling them they can achieve their goals, and to reach for the stars, encourages the kids to believe, to learn, and to love while learning.

When I picked the kids up today, they told me the school was broken into over the holiday weekend.  Not only were the buildings broken into, but NetBooks, laptops, USB cords, cameras, classroom items, and some personal belongings of both students and faculty were taken.  The look on my kids' face that someone would do this was that of astonishment, awe, and disgust.  My children understand these electronic items are not just items to "play" on, but tools to learn.

This is not the first time something like this has happened.  A few years ago, while on Spring Break, someone started a fire in the administrative building, destroying all records stored as a hard copy.  Destroying not just items that could be replaced, but also the trust my kids felt in knowing their school was safe from outsiders.  Today, that same level of random little acts of hate was displayed on their faces again.

For those who feel it is okay to take from others, it is astonishing you are willing to take away from a place of learning.  For those who feel it is okay to take away from others, it is astonishing you are willing to have such lack of respect for children, and the tools needed to learn, to become successful adults who are able to govern our society in the future.  You are teaching children extreme neglect for who they are, where they are going, and who they will become.  Your random acts of hate do not just effect the students currently attending the school, but also future students who may enter the facility to learn.  You are effecting the neighborhood, already disparaged.  You are effecting the parents, the families, teachers, and administrators.  Your actions, while they may have been adventurous at the time, will hopefully come back to haunt you in years to come.  You have taken from the learning process of children, and the development of our future.