Dear Ex -

Dear Ex,

Since you are reading this, it only means we are no longer together.  How long is really irrelevant, I suppose.  In the grand scheme of life you will always be an ex, so time has no meaning.

I would like to first thank you for all the wonderful moments we shared.  I still cherish the talks we had, the way you would brighten my day with a random call during the day, or a text message.  In thinking back on our relationship, this is a fond point of reference.  I enjoyed our times we spent together as well.  There are memories that come to me based on a certain calendar date when I think, "On this date in the past, I was enjoying sushi, " or "On this date in the past, I was (fill in the blank with some place we went to), and had such a great time."  I haven't forgotten the way our first kiss felt, haven't forgotten the way you smelled as we walked out the door to go some place, the way you would look at me.  No, those images are forever within my heart.  I enjoyed getting to know you family, spending time with them.  I never put on a show to make me seem the better person, or attempt to have them like me.  I was genuine with them in who I was, and what you were able to see in me hopefully radiated to them as well.  I remember all the moments when I did something new, stepped outside my box and tried something I didn't know I would appreciate or like.  I remember how it felt to have your embrace, how it felt to lie next to you, and how it felt to hear you say my name in the random ways you did.  The nicknames were something I miss when I think of you now.  All the times we made travel arrangements to see one another, the feeling of anticipation to have you near me, the moments I hopefully surprised you with a card, or said the right thing hopefully are still available in your mind to remember as well.

I appreciated most everything, tried to not take anything for granted because I knew it could all be gone the next morning - that is just how relationships sometimes work. 

I still struggle with the pain at times, but am moving forward.  This is not a new concept; each time a heart is broken it takes time to heal.  Each day I feel myself becoming stronger.  Gone are the days I would drive home from work, taking a few moments to allow the pain to surface and cry my way home.  I feel fortunate to have allowed myself that time to feel.  I no longer look at the clock and wonder what you are doing.  I no longer see a time and translate it to the past, and some random time we would talk during the day.  And while, in a brief moment of relapse I may do this, I quickly remember the 'we' is now just a 'you' and 'me', no longer a coupling but a separate thought process.  In all honesty, both our actions have left scars to which are healing, and may one day be good as new.  Time will only tell on that.

It wasn't the fact we are no longer together that hurt.  That I can deal with if needed.  I can deal with loss, mourn for the moments we spent together, and learn a new pattern or routine to my day.  No, it was the method in which I felt let down.  I guess I expected more from you than what I received.  In the end, my hurt was more due to disappointment and the feeling of general betrayal.  I expected more honesty from you.  I expected or wanted you to look at me, tell me the truth, and let me figure out my own reactions based on that truth rather than the handful of lies or omissions I received.  It is hard to determine concrete options for how to proceed when you are not given the facts needed.  I am sure this was in an attempt to not hurt me; for that I cannot blame you. But in requesting nothing more than honesty I expected to receive just that...honesty.

It is difficult to talk to you.  Difficult to know what to say.  At this point I feel when we have talked it only led to more misunderstanding than clarity of emotion or state of being.  Part of me still longs for your honesty; the other part of me knows I will never receive this.  That lack of honesty, however, led me to feel that I was not good enough to just be leveled with.  I wasn't important enough to you to set clear what was going on.  I wasn't important enough for you to listen to when needing to express my own thoughts.  The environment in which we talk doesn't feel safe.  I don't feel safe in sharing my thoughts any longer; you will always have some type of defensive thought process to back up your own actions.  That is human nature. I accept this begrudgingly.

Thank you for showing me a different side of myself I had never seen before.  Thank you for being there while I discovered new and completely foreign things.  For that, I will always be grateful.  While the ending was horrible, and not what I had wanted, the journey was something I will never forget.  I may never be that person I was with you for anyone else, but for a brief moment I felt I could conquer almost anything as long as I had your support.  Thank you for all the times we spent, small minutes or long hours together.  And while I miss you sometimes, I am learning day by day how to proceed without you.  How to live my life in some alternate universe where we are not together.

I have started to see someone new who is bringing another type of energy to my world.  An energy I am at times mesmerized by.  He makes me smile; something I was afraid would not happen again.  The hands of time will only determine if this is something long term, but at this moment I feel that strong desire to be around him, that electricity when he walks into the room.  I have started to see the world again for it's beauty; started to view the simple seconds of my day with a new retrospect and sense of wonder that I had before you entered.  Thanks to the moments we shared, these wonderments are even more appreciated.  I have started to laugh again, started to remember what it felt like to feel the warmth of sun on my skin that only happens when feeling happy. 

I wish you well in all of your life.  I hope the world only brings you happiness, success, and joy.  I pray you are able to find a sense of peace within your world, discover whatever it is you didn't feel with me in someone new.  I pray you are honest with her, allow her the room to grow, and not run away at the first instance of growing feelings.  I want for you to fall in love with someone who understands you, supports you, wants to be with you in all the ways I felt for you.  I hope you do not grow old alone.  No one should have to face this life alone, even if they proclaim that is okay with them.

Those things I will not release

In dating, there are certain items we are all unwilling to part with as we couple up with someone new.  It may be that old sweatshirt you love that she questions why you would want to wear.  It could be the stuffed bear from your childhood that he scratches his head at.  For whatever the reason, we all have these things that define who we are as a person, and for that, we are unwilling to say goodbye to.

As everyone else does, I have these items.  They are not actually items, but people within my life that I am not willing to give up simply because I have someone new in my life.  They are the people who have been with me, thick or thin; the people who would be there for me regardless of the hour, and have outlasted many others in my life.  So, for someone to start a relationship, whether dating or serious, you must realize and accept them.  If not, I will be okay without you in my life; after all, I have managed this long without you, and will be able to carry on regardless.  I may still be learning to be independent, but I will withstand the test of time like an old American flag on the Fourth of July.

My kids
As a single parent, I come with more responsibility, more bodies, and hopefully, more excitement.  I have two children...I cannot erase the fact that they will come first in my life.  If you do not like children, please do not ask me out.  If we are together, and you don't want to date me, don't use my kids as your excuse out of the relationship.

My family
As with my children, I have a rather large extended family.  My ex-husband's family is still my family.  We do things together, love each other, miss each other, and regardless of what is going on, we support each other.  My sisters-in-law are not in-laws at all; they are my sisters.  My brothers-in-law are much more than in-laws; they are some of the best men I have ever met.  My mother-in-law has held my hand when having a hard time, held me when I needed a hug, and wiped away my tears more than I can count.  My father-in-law has encouraged me to strive for excellence and often tries to find a date for me.  They are some of the strongest support beams within my structure of life.

I also have my own parents, three brothers, and sister-in-law.  Our family is sarcastic at times, loving at others, and in the end, we are there for one another.

My ex-boyfriend, John
Similar to the in-laws, John is my family.  Yes, we were together; we are now not together.  He has been there for me in moments of great weakness, great happiness, supports me in my decisions, and helps me with my children in ways that my ex-husband has sometimes been unable to do.  He is always making sure the kids are doing well in school, listening to them, offering advise. 

My friends
I am a girl who was raised the oldest of 4 children.  Those other children were boys.  As a girl, growing up in a house of guys, I learned how to relate better with men. I have more male friends than female friends.  I relate better to them, and trust them more than I do most the females in my life.  I am not flirting with, sleeping with, or attempting to have a relationship with them. I have listened to every dirty detail of their dating lives, seen them through difficult times, and they have been that shoulder to cry on when my own relationships are struggling. I have one guy friend who recently saw me holding my guy's hand; he sent me a text message telling me how strange it was.  He told me he doesn't think of me as a female, and it was weird for him seeing me be so girly since I am his buddy, one of the guys.  I am not willing to change this aspect of myself to suite someone who wants to be with me.

It isn't that I don't have female friends, because I do have a few; my best friends are my sisters-in-law and Stephanie.  But over the years I just found females to be a bit more on the dramatic side than I care to deal with. I really don't want to even get into the methods of backstabbing, gossiping, and competition I have encountered along the way.

These may seem like hard things to overcome.  Really, the sentiment goes both ways with my acceptance of your past, all you have experienced before, and the people who enrich your life.  But in the game of love, or the playing field of liking someone, I would rather be upfront than have you feeling like I deceived you in any way, shape, or form.

There was a time...

There was a time where all of my world revolved around you.  Where I put forth the biggest of efforts to show how I felt, where I felt this new source of happiness I had not felt.  

I used to believe all the words you uttered, enjoying each syllable as it left your lips and sailed into the air for my ears to hear.  I used to long for your touch, cherished the moments we were together, sacrificed many things to just be near you.  I used to feel this great energy filter through my body when I was near you.  This electric magnetism in which you also agreed was there. I found the method in which we met profound, the ability for us to be together amazing, and the fact we wanted to be with one another encouraging.

I used to trust you, trust in you. I thought there was nothing you could do to hurt me.  I thought you were on my side, we had the same feelings about us, and the desire to a future together.  I saw you as my future, as the opposite of all I had before and all I had ever wanted. I wanted nothing more than to be near you, to share, to grow, to have you say I was yours and the slight worry I would somehow be disappointed if I knew who you really were.  I used to find great comfort in your questions about how I was, what I was thinking, and how I felt.  I thought you could do anything; you were quite simply one of the best things I could have had walk into my life.

I thought the world of you; 

I wanted to be with you, and would have sacrificed much to do that.

But in the end, there was nothing left to want.  There was nothing left to trust, and words that were once a source of comfort became bullets taking aim at my heart.  Where once there was great care with me, you left me feeling shattered on the side of the road.  I felt cast away, I felt lost, and I felt hurt. 

To know now all I do, I am not sure I would repeat the past.  I am not sure I would want to feel like a rag doll, overlooked by something newer.  I am not sure I would want to be toyed with, I am not sure I would want to ruin this image of who I thought you were verses who you turned out to be.  It is not that you are a terrible person; you were just not as kind to me as you could have been.  I loved that feeling of breaking out of the caterpillar cocoon into a butterfly state.  But the problem with that is butterflies have very limited time to fly among the birds before their wings wear out, and they must find safety at the end of their journey. 

One foot in front of the other

What is it about trusting in someone else that seems to make most of us weak in the knees.  Not the good, head over tails weak in the knees, but that weakness where we must make a conscious decision to allow someone into our lives, share our thoughts with them at the risk of exposure, share intimate moments with them in which we MUST trust them with our hearts.  How do we learn to trust again when we have had trust broken into thousands of pieces by someone else?

It is always so much easier for someone to tell you to move on that it is to follow that same advise.  For those that look at others, shaking their heads, telling their friends how you should just get over it clearly have no idea what attachment you had in the situation you are unable to let go of.  It is easy as an outsider to say "get over that guy" because they have the wonderful and blissful state of second hand feelings.  They do not suffer from the first hand feelings of loving someone, and being let down.  Of loving someone who turned out to crush you from your very core.  Someone who stole your trust, stole your hope, and left you to bleed on the side of the road without support. It is easy for someone who has not sat next to you every moment you broke down sobbing, or refused to go outside into the world for fear you would actually need to participate for that brief moment in time.  It is easy for others to tell you to get over it because they are not in your pain, and are not suffering from the same level of mistrust as you are.  And you should never pay attention to those people.  Their good intentions are just as dangerous as the person who originally broke you into pieces.

In an ever changing world that we live in, this is one thing that does not change - that need to trust someone.  I have trusted others before.  I have trusted friends to not expose my secrets to the world, only to be let down time and time again.  I have trusted men with my heart to not mistreat my heart, only to be let down and devastated in the long run.  Tie the two together, as is the most recent of trust issues, and it adds up to a disaster of heart, soul, and mind.  A loss of innocence, a loss of enchantment with the world that surrounds you.  A loss of what you once believed to be true, a loss of what you once believed to be dear to your heart. A loss of something you would have given everything to protect, to procure, to see flourish.

Once again, I am faced with the question of how to trust.  I am in a new situation where there is no reason to not trust, but fear always beckons at the doorstep of my heart, knocking and wanting entryway into the deepest sectors of my emotions. It is not fair to automatically assume I will have my trust treated so carelessly as in the past.  Yet, I am so afraid to share how I feel with the world for fear it will once again occur.  After the last time with the roller coaster of emotions, the lies, the misguided thoughts, it seems I am a bit more like a deer caught in the headlights, unwilling to share this new-found happiness I am feeling with others.  I am fearful my feelings will be exploited, that it will be made out as a mockery it has before, in that last attempt to find and procure happiness.  At this point, the person this directly concerns is not even the issue for concern.  It is all those in the past who have shown their true colors as very vividly untruthful, untrustworthy, and unfriendly to my heart that seem to be playing havoc and mind tricks on me now.

I am not sure how to express this new found happiness with the world, and so until then I must enjoy the peace of what I have.  I must try on a daily basis to learn to trust in this new feeling, knowing it is with someone new who may not hurt me as I have been hurt in the past.  I must remember on a minute by minute basis that what I am being told is the truth instead of another way to encase me into a neat little box waiting for when the other would once again be ready for me.  I must remember that, as in all things, there is a purpose to the previous pain.  There is a reason for the hurt, and a reason to have finally found my way out of the darkness I have been suffering with for the past few months.  There is a reason for all of this, if nothing else but to bring me to this moment where I have more clarity to forgive, more ability to forget, and more desire to put one foot in front of the other to move forward.

365 Days

It is amazing the events that can unfold within the span of 365 days.  Seasons change, people are both entering the world into new lives and exiting the world when their time expires.  Jobs may change, locations of where you may live, friends you were once close with are now distant, and new friends come into your life and help you move forward.  Interests, desires, challenges, and dreams may all be vastly different within this time frame, each moment we experience shaping our thoughts.

If you were to ask me 365 days ago where I thought I would be today, my answer would not have been anything close to where I actually am.  Ignorance is sometimes bliss, but experience can sometimes bring more tears than you expected.  I was excited about the future, excited to see where the road was taking me, and willing to try a path I had not taken before.  I was open to different ideas, open to different experiences.  I was able to feel daring, feel spontaneous. I felt I was given a new chance at something great, and I was not going to let it pass me by.

Little did I know that regardless of my personal attempts, the 364 days that would follow be filled with absolute joy coupled with and followed by feeling I failed myself and those around me.  Feeling I was special, I was important, I was cared about quickly turned to feelings that I must be damaged; somehow there is something lacking within me to be where I am again.

So here is to you, 365.  I wish you brought more smiles to my face, than tears that escape from my eyes.  I wish you brought more moments to be shared instead of rehashing and remembering moments that occurred.  I wish the next 365 are better than the past few months have offered.

Without the rain, there would be no rainbow

Copyright (c) Ahmed Sharif, 2006 http://www.flickr.com/photos/desherchobi/

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
~ Jerry Chin

I love rain. I have a location I like to drive to during the summer monsoon storms where I can see a view of the Phoenix skyline.  I can see the occasional lightening strikes, watch the drops fall from the skies above to reach my skin.  And even though I am in the middle of a busy city, I am in a spot very few know of, or would think to go. I also live in the desert where rain is seen rarely, appreciated greatly, and valued highly.  During these moments in my secret location I am surrounded by peace.  That peace I so desperately desire within my daily life filled with it's own storms of a different sort that, at times, show no sign of a rainbow to occur.

If only the storms within my life could be solved by a drive, a skyline, and a moment of cleansing such as I receive on my summer storm drives I take.  If only I was as strong as the wildflowers able to withstand the downpours we are known to receive, yet still maintain my ability to stand straight, appear to the world as I did before. I have been fortunate in my entire life to be surrounded by those who are strong - who resemble the wildflower.

My heart has recently suffered loss that my mind can't even comprehend.

Yet, the past few months have not been the cause or source of my pain, rather a simple continuation of sadness, a continuation of defeat, a continuation of this hole upon my heart that seems to grow bigger with each passing day.

Some days it feels this hole grows exponentially by the second.  Other days it feels that I am recooperating as if I have been suffering from some type of illness, and health is just around the corner.

But the truth is, I don't know if health is just around the corner...I have no way of knowing that.

I am weary of needing to be strong, to portray an image of strength and stability to the world.  I do not feel strong.  Others opinions of my strength is due to not knowing the true pain within my heart.  They see someone who is able to stand straight, when the opposite is actually closer to the truth.  My strength is a cover for the extreme sensitivity encompassing my world.  For once, I wish someone who hold me up, tell me and show me things will be okay.  For once, I would like someone to say "I believe in you, believe in your ability, and I am going to stand by your side always to remind you." instead of the "I am just not sure about (insert any excuse, comment, or thought I have heard within the past few months, the past few years, the past few decades), and need some time."  For once, I wish I could have that ability to let my guard down. 

I am stuck at this horrible crossroad within my life where each direction I look, I only see fog covering the path.  I am unable to see where the light may be, or if there is even a light at all.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to trust someone.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel joy, that unadulterated satisfying joy you only find within yourself.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel beautiful, to feel appreciated, to feel loved.  And right now, because I can't seem to conjure those feelings for myself, I am unable to allow others in to see that glow I may possess.  I am a child, hiding behind the legs of my father again, hoping to become invisible to the world when spoken to.  Yet, that does not happen.  Instead of becoming invisible, I feel I am completely naked and exposed in my emotion, in my pain, in the latest developments of whatever feeling is going on at this moment.  And, so sitting here, overcome with emotion, I have a tear-stained face, blurry eyes, and sinking feeling within my soul.  I have no resolution in sight, no real glimmer of hope, and only utter sadness.  I feel lonely even when surrounded by those I care about.  I feel this overwhelming despondency within an instance of happiness.  And I wish I could just stop it all...I wish I could just feel that peace I feel when watching the rain fall in my secret watching spot.

I hide away from the world.  I have stopped interacting with those who have shown themselves to not be trustworthy in an attempt to save me from further discomfort.  I have hidden my heart, the essence of my spirit from those who have always loved me.  In describing this to my sister, I have said I am like a turtle in her shell - protecting myself from the outside world while not letting anyone into my hiding place.  I have started analyzing the intentions of others, and where they may be headed with those intentions.  I don't have energy to invest time to waste on individuals who instigate hurt based on meddling, based on gossiping, and based on deception or omission.  Yet, at the same time, I have also placed upon my time the inability to share my frustrations with those who have not hurt me, who have not displayed insincere actions. I certainly do not feel like the wildflower, bending with the rain yet standing tall within the proceeding sunshine that always comes.

When I started writing this post, I had a different plan for the words I was typing than what I has evolved and the post I am now finishing with.  I have contemplated these words now for several days, and it seems I always have a blindfold upon my mind, unsure of where to navigate, and my heart feels bound by heavy chains as I attempted to complete this.  I am standing in the midst of this current storm where a majority of what I feel is panic.  There is no life vest or life boat rescuing me, the umbrella is not working as well as it should, and my feet are cold and damp. In my greatest of fears, I wonder if I'll see the rainbow that will come at the end of this storm, and it terrifies me. 

Can you keep a secret?

I have noticed recently that I am lacking patience and trust for others.  Not just patience and trust, but I am standing guard, awaiting their attack upon the fortress of my heart.  I am waiting for others to find the weakness within my walls, send in their troops, and attack at a full-speed ahead motion.  In those I know I can trust, they have not failed me.  In those I question, they seem to have failed me at levels of disappointment I didn't realize I could have.

What is it that we need to accomplish in order to not have feelings of mistrust and impatience toward others?  I often tell my son that if he does not want the world to know something, he should not tell his sister.  If he chooses to tell her something important upon his own heart, he is placing into her hands a secret weapon she may be able to use against him, both intentionally and unintentionally.

The sentiment often comes about that during joyous and difficult times you discover who you are, and you discover who your true friends are.  Those that remain with you, those that maintain friendship, those that keep your fears, your anguish, your hopes, your dreams as they would keep theirs - close to their heart and not shared with the world.   It is rare to find a union with another person such as this.  So rare, we tend to hide away, not letting others in for fear our fortress walls will be damaged by those in our life.

In life, it seems, it is far better to protect ourselves with imaginary walls that cannot be shattered, rather than creating a door in which others may enter.  We have learned from previous experience that a door works not just one direction - the direction into our hearts and lives.  A door also allows others to walk away from our hearts, from our lives, and out into the world where we no longer have the ability to control what may happen. We no longer have the ability to control what may be said, or done.  We no longer have the ability to protect what is ours, and ours alone - momentarily shared with another to use intentionally or unintentionally against us.  And that union, that bond, may forever be broken if we learn our secrets have been made into gossip fodder, where the lines of truth, exaggeration, and falsehood are often blurred. 

So, this is where I sit, lying en wait for the next attack.  This is where I sit, listening to someone tell me I have shared with the world what was on my heart, when really it has been done in such different methods.  I have written about my pain, but not in a detailed dialogue that would cause true damage, unless you are the one who created the turmoil and feel some sort of shame regardless if you admit to this.  I have not shared the very intimate goings-on of my life as other close friends have opted to do without my knowledge.  I walk around and amongst friends, wondering what all they may know due to the breach of confidence that has occurred.  And I have built walls again; walls that had once been doors with the ability to enter and leave, feeling safe that my feelings would not be seen as tabloid news. One day I will learn from my mistakes, one day I will grow, one day I will be a scholar in the knowledge of how to share correctly.

Really, I am not too surprised by the events that have unfolded.  I know far too much about others lives based on those that can't seem to keep their mouth shut.   I know intimate details of people's relationships, personal accounts, work history, friendships that are not any of my business to know about.  But the difference is that information is not shared with others.  When someone I know has the courage, strength, and need to share information with me I don't want to share it with others.  I have learned the hard way as the one on the other end that when it is revealed you shared information that was not yours to share, it only causes pain and destruction.

In picking up the brick and mortar to build this wall I have discovered the level of truth, exaggeration, and falsehood that has been created.  Those that taut this information to the world can be overheard saying they don't want to be in the middle of anything.  Those that relay this information back to me, the friend rather than the frenemy, in an attempt to confirm the information that was shared to them through another source are now also caught in the battle of my heart.  They are there to help create this wall, constructing the wall with me to keep others out. . 

Supporting others

Sometimes I seriously wonder about people.  I wonder why they feel the need to not listen to why you may be doing something, only point out that you are doing something wrong. Or they simply do not care enough to support your passion but expect you to support theirs.

I recently encountered this when supporting a team in the NCAA basketball playoffs.  I was supporting UConn due to the relationship I was in, but also because I really started to enjoy watching this group of men playing ball.  I was told by others that I shouldn't support the team, I knew nothing about the team other than my boyfriend was supporting them.  These comments were met with "Why wouldn't I support what he enjoys?  Isn't that what you do when you are in a relationship - you support each other?"  I was so upset that my intentions would even be questioned when they were coming out of a place of love, of desire to see the person I was with be filled with happiness.  Silly - allowing a sport to make me feel so defensive, but as a friend, I have done this time and time again for those I care about.

To me, you support your family, your friends, those you love and care about.  You support them when they may not know how to believe in themselves...you encourage them, take an interest in them, and let them know you are on their side.  You may not always agree with their decisions, but rising above that to support their accomplishments is far more important. You may not always appreciate with their interests the way you do your own, but finding the time to show your support means a world of difference to those in your life.

I have done this in many different arenas and avenues in my life.  I am not perfect, though, and definitely do not feel I am so much better than others...I just appreciate how it feels when someone supports me.  I appreciate when someone says to me "I know nothing about this, but I am here for you."  I appreciate when someone takes the time to learn about something I have an interest in rather than bash it.  Or, on the flip side, I appreciate when they take the time to learn about it, support it, and let me know they support me.

I learned this once from an ex-boyfriend, and baseball.  My teams are the Angels first, then the Red Sox.  I enjoy watching some other teams, but those are the teams I truly watch, want to succeed.  The problem with having these as my favorite teams is that they are both American League teams, and if they both make any type of play-off series, chances are they are playing against one another.  My ex-boyfriend was a Red Sox fan.  And there was one playoff season where the Angels actually won against the Red Sox...quite a feat.  We were not together during this time, having broken up months before.  I received a text message saying congratulations on the Angels continuing in the series race to the World Series...there was no sarcasm, no hint of ridicule.  Just the genuine feeling of knowing it was important to me, and while he could have not texted me at all, he took the time.  That is what I feel is important...that level of support...

Take a few moments each day to learn something more about those in your life.  Parents should encourage their children on their aspirations.  Husbands and wives should participate in activities that may not be of their interest, but mean the world to their spouse or significant other.  Friends should adopt a policy of understanding and desire to encourage each other in their pursuits.  Listening to those in your life, allowing your walls to break down, learning more about endeavors beyond our own hands and minds could change our world for the better.

If we do not support one another, why are we surprised when there is no one there to support us when we fall?  Isn't that the essence of being a family?  Isn't that the essence of friendship?  Isn't that the essence of love - isn't that the essence of what we desire, but fear to show the most?  Why do we so often choose our self-interest over the interests of those we care about?  Our world would be a kinder, gentler place to live if we all would take the time to support one another, to learn about each other, and love each other for who we are, and what we like, rather than feel the need to become abrasive due to a minor difference of opinion.  We all only have this life to live, why not embrace it with kindness, understanding, and a helping hand.

A mess to be made, and the some days

One of my favorite movies is "Til There Was You".  Not a big movie, but it does have some great actors who portray this story of boy meets girl and everything in between.  You watch the characters grow from children into adults as the story reveals who they are, what they are.

In the movie, the two female characters play a game as kids called "Someday".  A silly game girls everywhere play, regardless of when or where you grow up.  It is a game where you talk about what you would like for the future, what you want out of life, what your expectations are, and what you think you will have...someday.

A mess to be made, for sure, when you live off someday rather than today.  You seem to forget what your task at hand may be.  You lose focus on what priorities you should have, focusing in the daydreams rather than reality.  But, it is nice to play this little game every once in a while.  A way of capturing who you genuinely are, and what you genuinely want.  A way of remembering how to dream, how to not forget those dreams...

Someday I will be able to trust again.

Someday I will be able to have financial security based upon my hard work, my diligence in saving, and my desire to have a wonderful retirement.

Someday I will travel to Boston to see Fenway Park.

Someday I will travel to Italy, see the villages I have read about, watched documentaries about.

Someday I will publish something for the world to read.

Someday I will have a closet large enough to fit all my clothes without it being a struggle.

Someday I will see my children graduate from high school, from college, and see them start lives and families of their own.

Someday I will call those I struggle with, listen to why they may struggle with me, and tell them thank you for all the moments they have provided me with to become the person I am today.

Someday I will have hair at the length I want.

Someday I will be at peace with the past, find peace with the pain I feel now, and be able to remember only fond memories instead of all the memories that only cause tears.

Someday, I will get married again, and to a man who will love me unconditionally.  Someone who makes me smile just at the sound of his name, someone who I would move mountains for just to protect our relationship.

Someday I will be able to sit on a porch, family surrounding me, and look back on a wonderful life I was able to have, filled with blessings.

Listening is an art-form, not an option

 

It is funny the number of times you may be requested throughout your life to listen.   From something as simple as listening to instructions to perform an action, to more complicated where you are asked to listen to someone else regarding their feelings, it seems we are all asked to listen.  I think the hardest part of performing this action of listening is the time it may take to allow the other person to say what they need to say, and feeling like you are given the same respect in time given to you when talking.  

Listening is not something we are all able to do.  There are going to be people you encounter who simply do not know how to listen to another person.  They are too concerned about what they need to counteract with, too concerned how your thoughts are impacting them.  Too concerned with themselves to clearly listen to you.  They may be distracted, not really paying attention to the words you are saying.  They may be doing something else, and not focusing on what you are revealing to them.  And once this happens, it may not be possible to get your thoughts out.

This is where I feel I am right now...that struggle between having so much to say, 

and not knowing if I will be heard.

If I were able to talk, able to get it all out, that would be one thing.  But I also suffer from my mind and mouth not being on the same page, and therefore unable to verbalize what it is I am trying to say. It is a catch-22 no matter how I try to work on it.  The words of my mouth sometimes do not always convey what my heart and hand are able to spell out on paper, physical or virtual.  My heart, where my pain or joy resides; my heart, where my truest of intentions resides is sometimes afraid to vocally come out of the dark.  

So, in listening to others, to listen to what they are troubled by, excited by, or otherwise feeling is where I feel strength at times.  I listen to others, believe what they say, take them at their word, and remember their words for future reference.  It is also in listening you discover much about the other person...their own pain that may mirror your own, their joy that may be shared within your own heart, that essence of who they are, and what they are.  In their words, and the actions that may follow, you are able to develop a keen sense of who they are.  

Maya Angelou once was quoted as saying "When a person shows you who they are, believe them." If I am so busy focusing on my own thoughts, how am I able to listen to them.  And in my own fixation on my thoughts, how do I ever expect to hear what they are saying to discover who they are, both good or bad.  Listening is not an option, or something you do every once in a while.  Listening is an art form, that must be practiced on a daily basis, in every interaction and confrontation you may have.  In listening, you allow the other person to learn how to also listen to you, and to have your own voice heard.  That interaction and reaction does not come when you are focused on yourself, but rather when you take the time to focus on the other person.  It is a dual communication between both parties that allows for the greatest of resolution to occur.

Staircases are supposed to lead somewhere

I have had several conversations recently with different people regarding loss...loss of a family member, friend, relationship due to divorce or breakup, job.  Truth is, we all suffer loss, and sometimes it feels too much to bear.

In a world where we are expected to not show emotion, it is vastly different if you are the person suffering the loss.  And with all loss, it takes time to heal.  It is hard going through any loss.  No one can tell you any different.  Right now, I have a friend who is going through the impending death of a father due to cancer.  Right now, I have another friend going through the pain of losing a job, and even if they didn't like their job, it is still a loss they were not expecting.  Right now I have a friend going through the pain of a lost relationship in which he loved the other person, but couldn't maintain in the relationship.  Right now I have a friend who is still bruised and hurt from a divorce.  In talking her, she told me that it has been 2 years since her divorce, but it still feels very fresh in her mind.

I can relate to this, and more time has elapsed on my own divorce time clock than hers.  Sometimes it isn't the person you miss that creates this sense of loss, it is the mourning of everything that person brought into your life.  That warmth, love, touch...all those things that embody the relationship lost.

But feeling those emotions, and feeling like you must suffocate those feelings is one of the hardest things to do.  Even if you could explain your feelings to someone else, that feeling of being exposed, naked in your own emotion can hamper your ability to talk.  I am one of those people.  I can write to my heart's content, or dismay in this scenario, regarding how I am feeling, but trying to verbalize that to another person is so difficult.  Suddenly, I am unable to think, unable to discuss in a manner that is understandable.  My mind runs ten thousand miles a minute, and I often feel that what I am trying to convey is silent to the other person, only heard by that of my own heart and mind.  I try to not show the world how I am feeling for fear they will see me as raw as I feel.  Unfortunately, I also wear my feelings like a book wears letters across the page to create words...in plain view.  So while I may not discuss my feelings, they are still there, evident to anyone who sees me.

Today is a great example of this.  That great example of wearing my emotions on my face, and those emotions exploding in a fireworks display.  I had to be by myself, go somewhere I felt safe, someplace I could cry to heart's content without letting another soul into my bubble of pain.  The pain of all loss being suffered in my life, both past and present, collided...and crashed and burned into a fire ring for all to see.  I may as well have self-imploded for the damage I felt, and the damage I feel I am doing.  I don't want to talk about things.  I don't want to hash over ideas of how to become happy.  I want to be allowed to feel my feelings of brokenness, be allowed to feel that pain...I can't express this to the person(s) I need to express it to most, but I at least want to be allowed to feel this.  For all the fairy tales about happily ever after, being your true, genuine self, for loving the other person, and actively showing and demonstrating this on a daily basis, it gets to a point where I believe in the possibility of solitude and loss more than the ability to love and have someone there for a lifetime.

I feel as if I am on this spiral staircase, looking down at how far I have come, but then looking up and seeing no end in sight. I have climbed the staircase so long that I don't want to turn around, but my legs, mind, and heart are weary, and tired of not reaching that destination of joy.  After all, staircases are solely built to lead to something, to take you to a location you can not reach due to distance without the aid of the wood or steel they are made of.  You are supposed to be able to see the top to judge how much further you must climb, even if that means you open another door to another set of stairs.

Scarlett letter of the modern times

I never wanted to be a single parent.  It was the last intention on earth to be alone, raising children, dealing with all their needs without the support and help of someone else physically living with me.  And even when I had someone else physically living with me (their father), it was pretty much like doing everything on my own anyhow.

In today's age, I feel that being a single parent is similar to that of the Scarlett Letter.  Sure, I had my kids while married, so I do not carry a scarlet letter "A" upon my chest as Hester Prynne did, but instead I carry the scarlet letters "SP" upon my life.  Sometimes I feel people look at me in dismay, or disbelief.  In my dating life, it is always cause for great concern when the kids are brought up.  For all the thought and reflection another may do in deciding if my family is something they want to take upon their shoulders, it is greatly appreciated.  Yet, it is also hard at the same time.  It is hard hearing someone say "I am not sure about dating you because of the kids" as if I could wave a magic wand, revert back to another time when I did not have children to start over.  Truth is, the kids have helped form the individual they see standing in front of them.  Truth is, if I accept someone for who they are, I accept all of them, not just bits and pieces.  Sometimes if feels this is the opposite of what happens to me.

In my mind, I recognize the fact that it is not about being accepted, or rejection.  In my mind, I understand that what I have to offer may not be what everyone wants to take upon their own lives.  I get it. I am not sure if I could date someone with kids, which is really ironic. I understand that if I was dating someone with a child, I may have misgivings as well.  Let's face it, it is hard coming into a relationship and not being the other person's top priority.  It is hard feeling like you are doing things in reverse of the old childhood song of "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage..." especially if that baby in the baby carriage is not yours...and is not in a carriage any longer, but able to see what you are doing, look up to you, ask for advise, and include you as their family.  It is hard wondering if you will measure up to what they need, desire, request, or want.  In trying, though, you discover strengths you never knew...

In my heart, however, that is where rationale is thrown out the window.  My mind is able to comprehend and understand the fears that accompany involvement with someone wearing the scarlet SP.  But my heart is different.  My heart, that is able to love and give love does not understand.  My heart looks upon my kids' faces, sees beauty mixed with all their little personality traits, and wonders why someone would doubt the ability to love them.  My children are some of the easiest kids to be around.  They don't ask for much.  They don't act out for attention, or create havoc in the lives of others.  Since I have not involved them with many of my relationships, friend or love based, and sheltered them from yet another person being in their lives, they don't have that dread of "Here comes another one...thanks Mom"

In my heart, I desire to have companionship.  I am not looking for another 'daddy' for my kids...they already have one.  I am not looking for someone to come in and pay my bills, or take on more than they should.  I am not wanting someone to be there because they feel they should be there.  I want someone to talk to at the end of the day, who will hold my hand, walk with me through difficult times, and laugh with me when things are good.  In my heart, I desire to be a good companion, supporting them through their journey in life.  Regardless of the ups and downs, to have my companion also believe the fact that we are standing with one another and we will make it as a team.  To look at me, despite all I have in this world that may be scarlet letters SP related, any baggage I may come with, and go beyond fear to try.  I am not expecting perfection.  I am wanting someone to do their best.

Everyone is going to have baggage, everyone is going to have something from their past that is hard. Everyone is going to have fears and issues they are working on until the minute they leave this world.  Everyone has their own desires, and their own goals. Taking upon yourself the other person's desires, goals, and needs, encouraging them, standing beside them, and being a shelter from the storms of life is part of being with someone just as much as when the sun is shining, good times are only seen, and life seems like a never ending amazement. Accepting someone as they are, knowing as each day passes, we are both growing together, is the goal.

Sure of you

 

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

I have always liked this quote from A.A. Milne.  There are moments when I feel like Pooh, and moments where I feel like Piglet with this sentiment.

There are many moments in life where you feel like Piglet - needing to feel sure of someone else.  That need to ensure someone, whoever that someone is, is there with you, walking with you, staying by your side.  That feeling of security knowing they are standing with you.  That desire to make sure how you feel correlates to how they may feel.

There are other moments in life where you feel like Pooh - the strong one standing by Piglet's side, reassuring that someone you are there, that you are walking with them, staying by their side.  You become the rock, that strong force for someone in need.  

What a nice sentiment it is, to find someone you can be sure of.  To find someone who you can share things with, and to stand next to one another come what may.  Life is not about the fears we have that disable us from trying, or being who we should be.  Life is about the fears we overcome, the fears that enable us to discover, to try, to grow.  Life is about the ever changing world around us, and finding that person who is supportive of us, regardless of what may come our way together - as a team - both sure of each other, or reassuring one another if the other is feeling weak.   

A relationship is not just about the pretty butterflies in your stomach nor the heart throbbing sensations. It is about sticking together through the storms, encouraging each other daily, doing your best despite your fears, respecting one another, and not giving up if things become difficult.We are not promised to have only good days.  We are not promised that tomorrow we may have issues where our today is filled with so much promise.  The only thing we can do is stay together, hold each other's hands, and face the world as a team. 

Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand

The work God does may not be in changing the situation you are in, but in changing you in the situation. God may not always calm the storms in your life, he may just calm the storm inside of you.  

My cousin Rachel posted that as her status in Facebook today. Such a sweet way to think of all the struggles we may come across in our lives.  That storm that rises up, seems to sweep us away, and allows us to feel hurt or lost.  How many times have I felt that storm in my life?  How many times have I felt that storm in the past few days?

In the past few days I have felt this great sensation of drowning.  That feeling of attempting to reach for someone to save me, and feel that there is no one there who will understand how I am feeling.  I know this to NOT be true, but it doesn't stop those feelings from creeping in, late at night, as I have nothing else but my thoughts and prayers to keep me.  It does not stop those feelings from invading my peace of mind, peace of heart, and peace of spirit.  It does not stop me from feeling what I want and desire most is something I may never have.  

 In a world where I have so much to be thankful for, so many blessings that are provided and bestowed upon me, it is always in the troubled times I seem to feel this way.  Right now, my heart is heavy.  Right now, I feel I will crumble at any moment.  Right now, I feel poor in spirit, and unable to give to anyone the kindness or tenderness needed.  But there are moments where I feel that sweet spirit of God, holding me, helping me to become strong, and not to feel weary.  It is hard to escape my pain, my loneliness, my emptiness, but that sweet spirit is always there, waiting for me to embrace and cling to.  Waiting for me to let go.  Waiting for me to come to Him with my needs, my desires, my wishes and express them to Him.  

 Proverbs 121 has such amazing strength when reading the words penned thousands of years ago, in a world that is far more harsh than mine.  The promises it offers, the sweet surrender I must offer is scribed in a manner I wish my sensitive heart could have thought of.  Our journeys are not about looking behind us, longing for the past, or fearing the past.  Our journeys are in front of us, waiting for us to begin again each day.  Every day I attempt to remember this, especially now.  And while it is a struggle, I know someday I will have all my wants fulfilled in ways I never could have imagined.  And so, until that day, I guess I need to just remember how unique, how special, how prized I am as His child.  How intricate He designed me.  How He has all of this in His hands, and the solutions have already been made if I follow the path I need to follow. 

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip -
He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you
The LORD is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121

Storm

There are very few that may see my fears, even fewer who actually get my fears.  Some days I am intense, and need someone else to just listen rather than offer their opinions.  Other days I need those opinions and feedback.  Right now, those fears, those opinions, feedback...they all lead into this storm I am feeling.  Right now, I feel like I am drowning in all the emotions I am feeling, and there is no hand to reach for, no one to pull me up, no one to rescue me.  For all the faith I have in this world, and all the love I know I have, I feel very alone, very small, very frightened.  While I know things will be okay, it doesn't stop those feelings from being present, from showing their ugliness.

So many thoughts running through my head right now, and none of them that actually even make sense.  So many questions, what-ifs, and scenarios of what I should do now, in this moment I am in, and where I should go.  The only thing that seems to make sense is writing things out, getting my thoughts out.   I feel somewhat insignificant, and unable to clarify all those thoughts.  Talking to someone about how I am feeling really won't help.  At this point, I don't want to burden anyone with my thoughts when I cannot even think clearly.

I love the moments in my life, and I love the people that shape my life.  But my life, the moments within my life, the people who shape my life, all feels so blurry right now.  I know this life has much more to offer me, I just wish I could see when the storms I feel I have will pass, and the sun will be shining again.  I am tired of the rain cloud that seems to dominate my every mood.  I try my best each day, give of myself probably more than I receive in return. Some days I feel I give, and give, and give with very little in return.  It is not my objective to receive something in return, but when I am staring at my phone, needing to talk to someone, and unable to call the only person I really want to talk to, all the other numbers seem to be a huge pattern of numbers rather than a connection to the outside.

I keep wondering how long will things be like this?  At what point do I receive what I need, what I want?  If I am so deserving of great things, how come I have been in this struggle for so long, feeling that I am always living hand to mouth.  When I feel that slight bit of happiness it seems to run away from me as quickly as it can.  Whenever I feel I may be able to have those things I desire it seems they are more like castles in the sand, where the tide has rushed in and is gone quicker than anyone can imagine.  I keep searching for possibilities, and all I seem to find is the impossible.  And to me, when someone says something is impossible it means they just don't want to try.  They don't feel I am worth the investment of their time.  And it seems to be a constant theme.  At what point do I just surrender, give up, and move forward realizing that maybe I am not supposed to have someone to love me, maybe I am not supposed to have happily ever after.  Maybe what I have right now is all I will ever have.  Because in all those things I am told I deserve - they seem to escape me over and over.  I want so desperately to just break down, give up, and realize what I have been going through for so many years is what I will always have - loneliness.

So, I found this song today, and the lyrics seem to fit this mood.  Oddly enough, the song is called Storm. 

how long have I

been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't

bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright

Just like heaven

Looking back on different moments, it is funny how I see things.  Moments that used to be filled with great sentimental value can sometimes get lost in translation days, months, or even years later.  What once was sentimental, holding a special place in your heart seemingly is replaced by other emotions.  It isn't that you don't still care about that moment; it is that your level of emotion has changed.

There are so many things I wish I could clarify right now.  So many moments I wish I could go back to, redefine what happened, and have a different outcome.  But for all the moments I wish I could redefine are more moments yet to come that may take me by surprise.  Sometimes 'happily ever after' is not intended for everyone, and right now that would include myself.  Sometimes we can destroy our own happy endings when confronted with something that terrifies us.  There is no right, no wrong.  We think a decision we are making is right for the right now, but sometimes in reflecting we realize it was wrong for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes you get a second chance, but more often than not you don't.  You only live with, and move forward from, the incredible sense of doubt and insecurities.  Today, my heart is filled with utter heaviness, and a great sense of unknown for what tomorrow may bring.  I want to crawl into my bed, put the covers over my head, and hide from the world.  I want to never let anyone into my heart of hearts, where my genuine soul exists.  Because when let in, it seems I only get hurt.

In trying to not let my heart be too greatly exposed, in attempts to protect myself as much as possible, parts of who I am have suffered.  Maybe it was that I yielded when I normally wouldn't.  Maybe it was that I became closed off, not letting anyone in for fear of being hurt once more.  The moment I am in right now is filled with so much regret, so much pain, and that feeling of being alone...again...And while I have known that great, vast feeling of being alone, it is worse when it is coupled with loneliness.

In the perfect world, I wouldn't have to feel this way.  In the perfect world, I would be able to expose my heart without fear of others exploiting it.  In the perfect world, I would not be so sensitive, and take everything to heart.  In my perfect world, it would be just like heaven where all is right, there is no pain, and only happiness dwells.

The band-aid effect

Today has been filled with so many up and down roller coaster emotions.  This has been going on for over a week now, and it seems each day brings another roller coaster line I am waiting in.  The questions of what I should do, what I should say, and not to mention the reaction toward what may come my way...too many things to even think about.  That indecision, that unknown sentiment that will be expressed by the person you want to be with, share moments with, and the fear of the band-aid...

It is that band-aid effect that has me feeling so upside down, right side up, and everywhere in between. I have been down that path where you have so much indecision it tears you apart.  I find myself unable to sleep, unable to focus, and the most simple of tasks seem like monumental achievements.  That feeling where you know something is off, and you are not sure what the next step should land because you can't feel the ground beneath your feet. That band-aid effect where you are waiting for the sting to come, so you prolong ripping the bandage off in the first place.

The bandages we place upon our hearts, those intended to protect us, can some times feel like the enemy.  Those bandages we use to heal can sometimes become a source of pain.  Often, the more bandages we use, the more sensitive we become. And the more sensitive I become, the more that roller coaster occurs.

I am not the strongest of persons.  I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, available and visible for the entire world to see.  It is not intentional, and I try to hid them as best I can, but sometimes that is not always possible.  Sometimes, regardless of how hard I may try, they are there.  And I appreciate honesty, sincerity, and heartfelt words that ease my fears.  But sometimes, again, that band-aid is there, and in the process of honesty, sincerity, and heartfelt words, there is the sting from the removal.  And the healing does not occur until days later when my thin skin has healed.

I pray tomorrow will offer sweet comfort, sweet relief, and the joy I want so desperately.  I pray tomorrow, and every day after, will only bring me the companionship I long for.  And I guess I won't know that until I get through tomorrow.  Hopefully the band-aid I fear will be nothing, and only soothing comfort will be there.

That little green monster

In all of us there lurks that little green monster...the one who shows up when we least expect it, and truly rears it's ugly head.  That little green monster of jealousy, envy, or desire for something we do not have.

It is amazing that the older I get, the more I run into this in all different scenarios.  There is the person at work who makes nasty comments toward others, while in their presence.  With no rhyme or reason for this, they decide that showing this side of themselves somehow makes them appear better than others, which, of course, is completely untrue.  Truth is, they lack the self-confidence to improve upon themselves, and instead make others appear ridiculous to increase their attractiveness.

There is the former friend who would belittle me in front of others...yes, I said former friend.  She would try to make me look bad or stupid for the sake of making herself appear superior.  It would come at the least known moments...moments where I was on a date with someone new, and she would attempt to make herself look better than me all while she sat next to her boyfriend.

Another friend who complains about not being included in situations she has purposely said she does not want to participate in, making others involved feel like they now need to bend over backwards to suit her.

The fact is, that little green monster can occur with scenarios listed above, or when we feel like we are not being included to the extent we would like.  There is no right or wrong in dealing with this.  The only thing we can do is focus on how we behave.

If we feel we are not on the same level or insecure around others, instead of berating another person, we should focus on investigating why we feel insecure.  Do we feel they are smarter than us?  Do we feel they know how to do something better than us?  Do we feel others like them more than us?  Once identifying those feelings, it is time to do something about it.  If you feel someone else knows more than you do, practice...learn and explore, and keep exploring.  Don't take out all your frustrations on others...you will never win this way.

If you feel you are left out or excluded, try to become more friendly and approachable.  Try going outside your own comfort zone and participate...you may be surprised at how much easier it is to enjoy your time at something you may not find as interesting, but recognizing the company is what is important.  Stepping outside my own comfort zones, doing something that helps to overcome those feelings is what will helps me to deal with the ugly green monster.  I will never know how to do everything that everyone else knows, but I can become a master of my own interests.  I may never be as pretty, as popular, or as polite as some others, but I can work on myself, learn what I do like about myself, and work on what I do not like, increasing my abilities to accept others instead of comparing or analyzing myself next to others.  And when I feel I am being a victim of someone else's monster, I have learned to just let things go.  There is no sense in attempting to understand or sometimes approach the issue.  Letting go, letting them discover on their own is much better in the long run.

Contemplations of the heart

One of my favorite books of the Bible is the Book of Ruth.  Maybe I like this part of the Bible due to Ruth also being my name - after all, there are not too many of us out there.  I remember reading this story over and over as a child, sitting in church, attempting to pay attention to what my father was talking about while giving his talks.  The number of times I have read this story are unknown. But the lessons of this story, and the meaning of my name, are the attributes I strive to live by.

The name Ruth is Hebrew for beautiful friend.  This may have been due to the woman in the Bible, and the methods in which she demonstrated her friendship with others, and her willingness to follow through with the Lord's plans for her, making difficult decisions along the way.  The condensed version of the story is as follows:

Ruth was a young woman, married to an Israelite living in her own country of Moab.  During this time, she watches her own husband die, along with her father-in-law and brother-in-law.  About this point, her mother-in-law, Naomi, decides to go home to Israel.  She requests Ruth go home to her family, to her people, to her God, and find happiness again.  She encourages her to marry again, and have a fruitful life.  Ruth could have agreed to this, but she decided to go a different path.  She recognized her mother-in-law as her family, and rather than turn her back on her husband's mother, she instead tells her:

"Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried. The LORD do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me." 

(Ruth 1:16–17 NKJV)

As a result, Ruth becomes a part of lineage that includes that of King David, her great-grandson.  How does a woman go from following her mother-in-law into an unknown land to being part of royalty?  Once moving, she meets Boaz.  With her mother-in-law's blessing, she marries Boaz, has a son, and begins a rich history in a book that is more than just a book to me.

Contemplations of the heart.  How easy would it have been for Ruth to stay where she was comfortable?  How much easier would it have been for her to never follow her mother-in-law into a new land of uncertain future, adopt a faith that was foreign to her, and discover her true calling?  How great is a love for someone that you willingly decide that regardless the outcome, they are worth the risk in leaving all that is familiar to set forth to an unknown destination?  The beauty of this woman is not who she became, but who she was willing to be.  Her willingness forever changed history for generations to come, and Biblical history so deeply important to many faiths around the world.  

I don't know if Ruth was fearful of her decision, and how her own family would feel. I don't know if she and Naomi discussed things greater than what is described within the pages of the Bible.  I don't know if there was great turmoil within her own heart at the decision to follow Naomi, or to stay with her people.  But I do know her actions, so eloquently described within the pages of the Bible, have spoken deeply to me over the years.  Her actions, so small at the beginning of following her mother-in-law, turned into such huge change within her life.  Her life was not easy - how can losing one husband be easy?  But she was able to trust with all her heart that her decisions were correct.  She moved in a fearless motion toward an uncertain future.

I am no Ruth of the Bible.  I have been unable to relinquish my own fears to set forth into destinations unknown.  While I did not lose my husband to death, I no longer have a husband.  And I love my mother-in-law, Kim, but I am not sure if I could have followed her to the foreign land of California.  But I aspire to be like her in so many ways.

Recently, I have been struggling greatly with decisions of the heart and mind.  And for some decisions, I am not the only person involved.  This makes the great contemplation I am feeling even more difficult than if it were a decision I could make on my own.  There are always others to consider in my life, and how that decision will impact their own lives.  

One of the hardest contemplations one could ever face is the contemplation of how to handle yourself in situations that DO involve your heart.  As a human, I want what I want, and sometime do not look outside that wall of my own belief to see a bigger picture through the window within the wall.  But I also have had serious times of prayer, deep reflection of what I think and feel would be best.

I make very little decisions without the prayer needed.  I am not impulsive, and definitely not adventurous with my heart where I will forgo all I know just on a whim.  In all things, I pray - whether that be out of praise for a wonderful day, help due to a painful day, or guidance for the steps I should take. My own contemplations of the heart, of what should be done, of where I should go from here, seem so much clearer after many tearful nights in prayer.  In my prayers, I do not ask for the selfish things I want, but rather the help to endure, and the ability to work with others in making the right decisions.  I am not feeling this decision I have already made in my heart as being selfish, but rather one of the only ways I will be able to move forward, and live the life I was intended and promised to have.  Now, I just have to make sure those decisions mirror that of the others it will include.

Moving forward in an uncertain time

We are never promised a road map in life.  This mystical road map that will guide you toward where you need to go, to help avoid issues or problems along the way.  We are not even offered a map...each one of us sets forth each day, on our own paths based upon decisions we have previously made, making new decisions for our next steps, and mostly hope what we decide is best for all involved.

I am currently on this path of uncertainty.  I know what I want, and am working toward that goal.  But there are many different variables that also impact my life that my prevent me from what I want. It is always the most difficult time when this also deals with my heart.

In my heart, I want to shout from rooftops that I am in this place of happiness based on being with someone who I find wonderful beyond belief.  I am with someone who can make me blush just at hearing his name.  His attention to detail, his wit, sense of humor, and intelligence help me strive to do better.

In my heart, I feel reborn with this relationship.  I am learning how to think in a more positive manner, how to understand better, and to be more supportive, and how to allow him in.  I am learning how to stand when it feels the world may crash around me without him beside me each day.  I am learning how to trust again, to feel emotions I have never allowed myself to have out of fear of abandonment or emotional backlash.

Never in my life did I think I would find someone on this earth who immediately calms my fears, gives me a sense of electricity in the air, and clarity.

Never did I think I would find someone who brings such joy into my life other than the joy brought by my children.  He brings such a sense of happiness when he walks into a room, smiles at me, or just glances at me that I have never felt before.

Never did I think I would also have that bittersweet knowledge that I am not able to see him on a regular basis.  I am not able to have dinner with him on a Thursday night - make plans for a Saturday afternoon - or help with something as simple as grocery shopping.  As I was reminded, each night I go to sleep alone.

When we are not together, there is a piece of me missing.  There is a hole in my heart that only fills when we are next to each other.  And for all the difficulties we face, it feels so much better when we are able to see the break of a new day together.  It is much more than chemistry - I feel as if I have met a person who simultaneously shares a thought with me without the need to say a word.  There have been times when I have said something to which he says "I was just getting ready to say that." Or, I have written about something within a blog or email that he has not seen and he brings the subject up.  In so many ways, for so many reasons, I feel this is the right person to trust with my heart, to trust with my life, and to love.  In being married, having other long term relationships, I have never felt that connection with someone else.

And, as everything must be in life, there is uncertainty of how we continue living 2,500 miles apart, have a relationship, and where we go from here.  In so much uncertainty, there are odd factors I have never felt before.  If asked, I would leave my own comfort zone to enter his, for no other reason than the belief that it was the right decision to make.  In the past, this has not been the case.  In the past, when contemplating a move, I told my then boyfriend I had no intentions of leaving the location I am living.

I never felt safe enough to leave my comfort zone for this other person, but with my guy I feel this very calming and peaceful feeling even at the contemplation of a move. I am ready and willing to make the necessary changes not due to the need to have a man in my life.  It is based upon the knowledge that  it feels like the right movement toward a path we can walk together. 

Time will tell, and hopefully our desire to be together will transcend concerns in a healthy matter.  Right now, the only thing I can do is say my prayers for us to be able to move forward, set goals, meet those goals, and be together.  Right now, I can only offer my support, be who I am, and continue to make strides for us to be together.