One foot in front of the other

What is it about trusting in someone else that seems to make most of us weak in the knees.  Not the good, head over tails weak in the knees, but that weakness where we must make a conscious decision to allow someone into our lives, share our thoughts with them at the risk of exposure, share intimate moments with them in which we MUST trust them with our hearts.  How do we learn to trust again when we have had trust broken into thousands of pieces by someone else?

It is always so much easier for someone to tell you to move on that it is to follow that same advise.  For those that look at others, shaking their heads, telling their friends how you should just get over it clearly have no idea what attachment you had in the situation you are unable to let go of.  It is easy as an outsider to say "get over that guy" because they have the wonderful and blissful state of second hand feelings.  They do not suffer from the first hand feelings of loving someone, and being let down.  Of loving someone who turned out to crush you from your very core.  Someone who stole your trust, stole your hope, and left you to bleed on the side of the road without support. It is easy for someone who has not sat next to you every moment you broke down sobbing, or refused to go outside into the world for fear you would actually need to participate for that brief moment in time.  It is easy for others to tell you to get over it because they are not in your pain, and are not suffering from the same level of mistrust as you are.  And you should never pay attention to those people.  Their good intentions are just as dangerous as the person who originally broke you into pieces.

In an ever changing world that we live in, this is one thing that does not change - that need to trust someone.  I have trusted others before.  I have trusted friends to not expose my secrets to the world, only to be let down time and time again.  I have trusted men with my heart to not mistreat my heart, only to be let down and devastated in the long run.  Tie the two together, as is the most recent of trust issues, and it adds up to a disaster of heart, soul, and mind.  A loss of innocence, a loss of enchantment with the world that surrounds you.  A loss of what you once believed to be true, a loss of what you once believed to be dear to your heart. A loss of something you would have given everything to protect, to procure, to see flourish.

Once again, I am faced with the question of how to trust.  I am in a new situation where there is no reason to not trust, but fear always beckons at the doorstep of my heart, knocking and wanting entryway into the deepest sectors of my emotions. It is not fair to automatically assume I will have my trust treated so carelessly as in the past.  Yet, I am so afraid to share how I feel with the world for fear it will once again occur.  After the last time with the roller coaster of emotions, the lies, the misguided thoughts, it seems I am a bit more like a deer caught in the headlights, unwilling to share this new-found happiness I am feeling with others.  I am fearful my feelings will be exploited, that it will be made out as a mockery it has before, in that last attempt to find and procure happiness.  At this point, the person this directly concerns is not even the issue for concern.  It is all those in the past who have shown their true colors as very vividly untruthful, untrustworthy, and unfriendly to my heart that seem to be playing havoc and mind tricks on me now.

I am not sure how to express this new found happiness with the world, and so until then I must enjoy the peace of what I have.  I must try on a daily basis to learn to trust in this new feeling, knowing it is with someone new who may not hurt me as I have been hurt in the past.  I must remember on a minute by minute basis that what I am being told is the truth instead of another way to encase me into a neat little box waiting for when the other would once again be ready for me.  I must remember that, as in all things, there is a purpose to the previous pain.  There is a reason for the hurt, and a reason to have finally found my way out of the darkness I have been suffering with for the past few months.  There is a reason for all of this, if nothing else but to bring me to this moment where I have more clarity to forgive, more ability to forget, and more desire to put one foot in front of the other to move forward.

The value of trust

The value of trust.  That core essential quality one must have in so many different avenues of life.  This quality in which we look beyond ourselves, placing belief in something or someone else.  This ability to go beyond our comfort zones, placing faith in something or someone else.

Trust is more than believing in someone else.  It is allowing someone to enter your life, enter your heart.  It is allowing someone else to know your inner thoughts, your deep secrets, and sometimes, most importantly, your inner most fears not known by the world.  It is allowing your heart to open in ways never before.  It is allowing this one person to know you in ways so intimate, you never knew you could share things without regret.  Trust in someone else is allowing their influence as a stamp upon your life.  Knowing they will be there when push comes to shove.  Knowing they will stand up for you, protect you from the outside world, shelter you from pain, and be truthful in their intentions.

In many ways, I have lost this essential quality.  I have lost that ability to allow someone into my heart without always wondering if they are going to hurt me.  I have lost that ability to believe in what they say as truth.  I always question if they are being honest with me, or only being as honest as they can at that moment in trying to not hurt me.  Sad.  It effects aspects of my life in dramatic ways.  In my professional life, I worry that what I am being told about my work performance is not actually the truth.  I wonder if sharing my thoughts will lead to being viewed as weak.  I worry that if I share an idea, it will be swept up and used by someone else.  In my personal life, I worry that when someone tells me they like spending time with me, are they only saying this to ease my anxiety over relationships?  When they say they want to spend more time with me, then have other things occupy their time - are they seeing someone else?  I wonder if when they say they care about me, are they saying this because they want to be with me, or is this yet another way to kindly brush me off into the sunset...

Right now, there is the core of my own fears with trust - what is perpetually wrong with me that this same scenario keeps occurring over and over...why do I allow people into my life that only end up hurting me in the end?  Yes, they may have been trying to protect me.  Yes, they may not have meant the pain in the beginning...but they all seem to have the same results.  What is it about me, Ruthe, the person that I am, that allows this to happen time and time again?  In all the situations I can think of, I am the common bond.  I am the common bond to those that have hurt me.  I am the common bond in failed relationships, in failed friendships.  It cannot always be the other person.  What is it that I need to change to establish the value of trust back into my life?  What do I do that creates such results of pain in the end, and why - WHY - do I tend to repeat these over and over again?

In the end, and as of right now, the only people I can truly trust include the members of my family and a select number of friends I have known over the course of decades...there may be a sprinkle of those newly introduced into my life I can trust, but overall, I am dismayed by how little others have treated my life, have treated my pain.  I am dismayed that those I confided in would share my hurt with so many others.  And for what?

I constantly am second-guessing myself within the past few months.  I can only work from what I am told, and if what I am being told is only half truths, how can I form an opinion or decision that affects my life correctly?  I constantly am looking for signs that those around me are not being 100% truthful, but just truthful enough for them to consider it as not lying outright to me.  I worry that what I share with others is not remaining between the two of us, but rather shared with the world, and others around me are talking about my life as if it were front page news.  Some of this is justified.  Some of this has actually happened, and it is always painful to find out later that what you thought as truth, or what you believed is not true.  It is painful to realize that those closest to you are actually making you fodder for their conversations with others, all the while saying they do not want to get involved.  If you didn't want to become involved - why bother sharing my life with others?  It is painful to realize that all you have worked for and towards is not the same goals as others had.  And while you were busy trying to make decisions based on what you knew, you later find your decisions were incorrect due to half truths, cover-ups, and everyone else knowing what is actually going on.

I am constantly wondering in new relationships I form, be it friendship or of the romantic pursuit, is this person going to do the same thing?  Everyone is unique, not everyone is aiming to hurt you.  Sometimes they are not even aware of the pain caused until it is too late.  Sometimes they were actually attempting to protect you, but in the meantime hurting you more due to the run-around.  Will those I allow into my life in the future do the same?

The value of trust...I hope one day to have this quality reinstalled within my life.  I pray one day to have a relationship where I do not question his intentions, or if he is providing me only half truths.  I believe one day that when I share my deepest of thoughts, or the pain I am feeling, it will not become fodder for everyone else in the world to know without being uttered from my lips.  I hope one day that all things that have caused me to write this post will only be a distant memory - something that is hazy, something that seems more like a terrible dream I had rather than a constant theme of my daily life.  For the meantime, the hurt I feel seems to influence me to protect my heart, protect my thoughts, and protect me hopefully from future tears.

Invasion of privacy

Google your name...go ahead, I dare you.  Google your name and see what happens.  Does anything pull up that you would prefer not to show?  Look at your friend list in Facebook.  How many of those "friends" do you actually know?  And by actual, I mean you have met them face to face, have a real connection to them other than what their pictures look like from within a computer monitor?  Those following you on twitter?  How many of those who follow you would you prefer to NOT have follow you after a few interactions with them?

How do we protect ourselves from a constant invasion of privacy?

For the average adult today, we have a Facebook, twitter, and Flickr account.  We have multiple email addresses used for different reasons like personal verses spam verses work.  Some have accounts with online dating sites, Classmates, and LinkedIn.  We are constantly allowing the outside world to invade our privacy, constantly allowing others to take a peak into our virtual lives through pictures on sites, know our whereabouts through Foursquare, scvngr, or other applications that allow us to check in.  The average stranger can find out information about who we are without us even knowing. 

Ever get that friend request on Facebook where you immediately declined, then blocked the person from ever accessing your page?  Ever get that email saying someone is following you that you'd prefer to burn the email rather than follow back?  The worst fact of the matter is, it allows those we think we know to exploit, use, and abuse our information.  It is those who we trusted that seem to gain pleasure from knowing more than we would like them to know. It is that sinking feeling that someone you never wanted to speak to again has "found" you, and you thought you hid so well.

Truth is, I use my Facebook account to catch up with family, old friends, new friends...my kids are my friends, so I try to keep everything PC for them.  Twitter is used for venting my frustrations...I will vent about work, wrongness of others, issues of my heart.

Why the difference?

For the most part, no one on twitter really cares...I don't have to worry about someone replying, asking if I am okay.  I don't have to worry about an on-slot of unnecessary, but much appreciated, concern.  Most everyone does a "tweet-and-leave", which is great!  I can vent, get something off my chest for 1.2 seconds, and know it will just sit, left alone, without questions...Unless you are following me for reasons of keeping tabs on me, I can, for the most part, get things out.  Not true of Facebook.  Friends on Facebook, as much as I love most of them, instantly think if you post a status it is about them.  They think you solely post for their own humor, or that if you are upset you will use a few words in your status to break even, which is so far from the truth.  And when this happens, I always wonder "How ego-centric can you possibly be?"

But the whole point is, if you don't want too much of your privacy given away, safeguard it with all your might.  You have control over what you tweet or post as a status.  You have control of where you check-in, and sometimes even if your information is available online.  When signing up for the social network world, you agreed to terms and conditions.  If you somehow now do not like the terms and conditions, you can't really have sign-up remorse now.

Deceit and arrogance

Arrogance.  That quality where you think you know more than someone else.  That quality where you are smug in your actions.  That quality where you really don't care about, nor feel the need to acknowledge another's feelings, point of view, etc.

Deceit.  That quality where you think you can get away with something by omission or saying something different than what is actually going on.  That quality where you really don't care about, nor feel the need to acknowledge another's feelings, point of view, etc. 

To me, arrogance is a deadly sin, and ranks right up there with deceit.  In so many ways, arrogance is another form of deceit.  And deceit is never the right direction to head into.

Deceit and arrogance...what a deadly combination.  You can be proud of who you are, proud of your accomplishments, proud of what you are doing now, but does that ever mean you should belittle someone else?  Deceit, too, follows this path.

If you can not be truthful with someone else, why bother.  If you feel the need to omit rather than be honest, regardless of how it may hurt the other person, the pain you cause in the long run is far worse.  Why bother creating a dangerous web of lies when truth is easier to take in.

Those who lie, those who cheat others out of their feelings, those that are arrogant, here is the warning.  NO ONE deserves to be treated in such a slighted way.  No one deserves to be led on down your path of deceit.  No one wants to be led down the path that will only end in disaster.  And once your deceit is revealed, you really only serve to look like the monster you really are.  A person who should not see the light of day within the world of the person you hurt.

Don't You Remember

It is always interesting to me the events to lead up to, and eventually establish an end to something.  This end could be anything, really.  An end to the day, an end to the year, an end to a relationship, an end to a friendship.

In so many ways, it is always the smallest of details and smallest of moments that seem to be lost in that time, but remembered as monumental later on.  That small glance, that moment of silence.  That slight shift within the universe that separates us from what we were then to what we are now.  So insignificant at the time, yet so earth shattering later on in the grand retrospect.

As if a break up or ending is not hard enough, it is when one person is not completely straight-forward, where they proclaim honesty when they have not been completely honest that the true devastation occurs.  That is what is remembered long after the tears have dried, the smile returns, and the heart is mended from the loss of love.  In the moment, it may seem they are saving the other person pain, but what they don't know is that they have created more pain than they may have thought of.  Proclaiming that time is needed, contemplating where their heart is, when they have already made a decision regarding their heart is not only hurtful, but incredibly cowardly.  In being treated as an option, and declaring their feelings but not listening to the other's feelings is not only insensitive, but selfish.  All these things and more can leave scars upon a heart, and bitterness upon future relationships.

In the need to act as an adult, to act as a person who will walk away with her head held high, and knowing he will never tell me the truth, I am at a crossroads.  A crossroad of feeling that if I am not worth the full truth, I was not worth his time in the first place.  A crossroad of feeling betrayed by his 'honesty' or lack thereof because any words he may say now are forever tarnished with the knowledge of what has transpired in the in-between.  A crossroad of where I once felt a strong resolve to care, to support, and to share I now feel a strong resolve to close off my heart forever, let him fall if he may, and not look back on yesterday when his smile was what I longed to see most. 

Due to the knowledge of his deceit, my heart is forever closed off.  In the future I may be able to talk to him, to be kind to him, but not in the same method in which he knows me, not in the same method he is accustomed to.  In the future I may be able to forgive and forget, but at this moment in time, my heart is shattered from the deceit, and not really from his departure.  To have our lives be so trivialized by his words hurts; to have my feelings disregarded so carelessly is confusing.  To have him believe that he has been honest with me is wrong.

Moving forward in an uncertain time

We are never promised a road map in life.  This mystical road map that will guide you toward where you need to go, to help avoid issues or problems along the way.  We are not even offered a map...each one of us sets forth each day, on our own paths based upon decisions we have previously made, making new decisions for our next steps, and mostly hope what we decide is best for all involved.

I am currently on this path of uncertainty.  I know what I want, and am working toward that goal.  But there are many different variables that also impact my life that my prevent me from what I want. It is always the most difficult time when this also deals with my heart.

In my heart, I want to shout from rooftops that I am in this place of happiness based on being with someone who I find wonderful beyond belief.  I am with someone who can make me blush just at hearing his name.  His attention to detail, his wit, sense of humor, and intelligence help me strive to do better.

In my heart, I feel reborn with this relationship.  I am learning how to think in a more positive manner, how to understand better, and to be more supportive, and how to allow him in.  I am learning how to stand when it feels the world may crash around me without him beside me each day.  I am learning how to trust again, to feel emotions I have never allowed myself to have out of fear of abandonment or emotional backlash.

Never in my life did I think I would find someone on this earth who immediately calms my fears, gives me a sense of electricity in the air, and clarity.

Never did I think I would find someone who brings such joy into my life other than the joy brought by my children.  He brings such a sense of happiness when he walks into a room, smiles at me, or just glances at me that I have never felt before.

Never did I think I would also have that bittersweet knowledge that I am not able to see him on a regular basis.  I am not able to have dinner with him on a Thursday night - make plans for a Saturday afternoon - or help with something as simple as grocery shopping.  As I was reminded, each night I go to sleep alone.

When we are not together, there is a piece of me missing.  There is a hole in my heart that only fills when we are next to each other.  And for all the difficulties we face, it feels so much better when we are able to see the break of a new day together.  It is much more than chemistry - I feel as if I have met a person who simultaneously shares a thought with me without the need to say a word.  There have been times when I have said something to which he says "I was just getting ready to say that." Or, I have written about something within a blog or email that he has not seen and he brings the subject up.  In so many ways, for so many reasons, I feel this is the right person to trust with my heart, to trust with my life, and to love.  In being married, having other long term relationships, I have never felt that connection with someone else.

And, as everything must be in life, there is uncertainty of how we continue living 2,500 miles apart, have a relationship, and where we go from here.  In so much uncertainty, there are odd factors I have never felt before.  If asked, I would leave my own comfort zone to enter his, for no other reason than the belief that it was the right decision to make.  In the past, this has not been the case.  In the past, when contemplating a move, I told my then boyfriend I had no intentions of leaving the location I am living.

I never felt safe enough to leave my comfort zone for this other person, but with my guy I feel this very calming and peaceful feeling even at the contemplation of a move. I am ready and willing to make the necessary changes not due to the need to have a man in my life.  It is based upon the knowledge that  it feels like the right movement toward a path we can walk together. 

Time will tell, and hopefully our desire to be together will transcend concerns in a healthy matter.  Right now, the only thing I can do is say my prayers for us to be able to move forward, set goals, meet those goals, and be together.  Right now, I can only offer my support, be who I am, and continue to make strides for us to be together.

It's not much, but it's all I have

Giving your heart to someone else is risky business. There is the fear your heart may be broken, or that the feeling may not be returned.  There is the unknown factor that always accompanies the thought of allowing another into your heart, as well.  Will they be there for you in time of happiness when you want to tell them great news?  Will they be there, holding your hand, after a rough day, or even more - will they remain by your side when you feel everyone else has left?

When we give our hearts to another person, we want them to accept it, and us, with open arms. Our thought process changes from 'I' to 'we'.  We want to be seen as a cherished, precious gift in their lives because this is how we view them within our lives.  And for all the moments we had before knowing them, and before giving our hearts where we wondered if we would find someone, new moments enter where we share giggles, glances, minutes and hours attempting to ensure we make the other person happy.  It is not about the individual any longer.  It is now about working together as a team.

Giving your heart to someone is not the act of relinquishing our own personal identities, but growing into a new reality where math solutions are irrational of 1+1=1.

When we give our hearts to another, we realize the safety once felt in only relying upon ourselves must be adjusted.  We must allow the other person into the secret hallways of our thoughts, once only reserved for private thoughts.  In giving our hearts to another, we must remember that sharing our dreams, our hopes, and our desires is just as important as allowing the other person to also see our fears, our insecurities, and our needs.  It is in the action of admitting you sometimes need help that creates a stronger union, not the ability to maintain and take care of business all on your own.  If that were the case, what is the other person there for?  

Why allow someone into the foyer, the doorway of your heart, but not allow them into the actual home to wander around the hallways, the different rooms, and sometimes help when repair may be needed?

I have been fortunate enough to feel both sides of a person's heart.  Moments where I was excluded from his heart because he could take care of things on his own, and didn't want my help.  While the latter always reminded me he was able to do things on his own, as a stubborn 2 year old may attempt to struggle doing things on his own to show they are growing up, the relationship was never truly able to progress.  Focus was more on the individual rather than the couple.  Moments where his fears are shared, true emotion was shown, and a stronger union was formed.  These examples are from 2 separate people, and 2 separate scenarios, different relationships,and different stages of a relationship. But none-the-less, the intent remains the same where one person allowed me in, and the other continuously forced me out.  

I don't have much.  I am not the prettiest girl in the world.  I am also not the thinnest, the funniest, the smartest, the bravest, or the most compassionate.  I don't have a pocketbook filled with money, and will probably always have the need to work in order to pay my bills.  But when my heart is given to someone else, it is from a place of not only sentiment, but also in genuine effort to support the other person as best I can, ensure they know I am there for them, and help them accomplish their goals, their desires, and their dreams as I would hope they would do in return for me.  When my heart is given, it is not at a whim, but rather in sincerity.  In this, I don't have to be all those things I listed that I may not be.  I only have to be me.  I only have to be who I am, the person he also chose to give his heart to.

Trust and other misdeeds

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love,
listens but doesn't believe,
and leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe

I am not sure when it actually happened. My father was always there for me. I could always trust he would be there for me if I needed to talk, if I needed help, if I needed a hug. Growing up in a family with 2 parents I never learned to not trust, or fear that someone would leave. It was not even a question in my mind.

Trust is a fickle friend at times. Especially in dealing with relationships, other people, other people's thoughts. Trust is essential for any relationship. Regardless if this is a friendship or family member, dating or serious relationship, even co-workers and neighbors. If trust is lost, you learn to become paranoid of the unknown, what-if, and self-doubt.

Before I was married, I trusted with all my heart in anything I did. I believed I could climb the highest mountains, figure out the toughest of math equations, love without stopping, and be loved without someone leaving. During my marriage, I learned otherwise. I learned that even though someone may love you, they are not always around when you need them. That is true for even the healthiest of relationships.

From my marriage, I carried away a sense of abandonment by the person I thought would never abandon me. And for this, I carry wounds still very deep within my heart.

One of my fears, which is really just beyond what I should expect...being abandoned. It is not so much the fear of not having a relationship work. It is more the fear that I will become close to someone, develop feelings, and have that person walk out. Within this fear comes a paralyzing effect of doubt, worry, and ultimately wasted energy for something I can not control. That feeling of leaving before being left has never been my philosophy. I can understand why this could be a theory or philosophy of others, given the relationships that have left me bereft.

Due to my fear, I have learned to not let people in unless I have learned to trust them. I have a hard time opening up to others, letting them see my struggles for fear it will be too much. Letting someone in to realize I am not as perfect as they thought (perfect meaning I was what they wanted at the time) or I am not good enough is a constant battle within my heart. While I didn't grow up in this environment of distrust, I have learned patterns that may be too intense for others to understand, or to take on.

Closing my heart off

I am an extremely sensitive person. I have been told this my entire life. And growing up until now, situations I have been in only lead to more sensitivity. If I think someone is upset with me, I back off. If I think I have disappointed someone, I try to go above and beyond to never disappoint again. I try to give my all, all the time. But what if what I am doing will never be good enough, or the right way to do it?

My heart has been bruised in so many ways. It should come with a warning sign "Heart bruised, handle with care." It has been bruised, but each time I somehow manage to get up again. Others may think I am strong - but that is not the case. I am not strong in so many ways...most of the time I am afraid of my own shadow, and hoping to just make those around me happy. I find my strength in my faith, I find strength in my family...beyond that I am fragile. I can act valiant if given the chance, but acting and being are not the same thing, now are they?

How many times have I just sat back, and let life go by for the simple sake of not wanting to cause issues, or raise concerns? How many times have I felt the sting of feeling ignored, or not knowing why someone may be upset where I patiently waited for them to shed light on the issue. Coming from some of the circumstances I have been in, I have learned to let the situation calm before attempting to solve anything. Maybe it is out of fear I do this; fear of knowing the truth of how I have disappointed someone, or made them upset. Maybe it is out of a need to just know I am not lashing out at the other person.

Sometimes I wonder if I read situations incorrectly. You know - you see something that was done unintentionally but still feel that tinge of pain in your heart? In going from happiness to sadness at the flip of a coin. I know that I share much with those in my life if I am upset, but only once the hurt is over. It is up to that point I am a closed book.

Right now, at this very moment, this is how I feel. I feel this awkward silence that may be all in my head. It could just be me, reading the situation incorrectly, and wanting something more than what the other is able to provide. It would be helpful, incredibly helpful, to have some type of bravery to speak up. But the last time I did this it resulted in my heart being broken. The last time I didn't vow to close my heart to anything new, but I didn't intend to disclose so much emotion. I could say I was brave in showing these feelings in the first place. I could say I tried my best, or that I was fearless in expression. But, at the end of the day, if the other person does not reciprocate due to many reasons, all I am is the person who gave and did too much.

I don't want to close off my heart to the possibilities that may be there in the future. I am always willing to show who I am, good or bad. I don't want to come off as someone who is hard, or unapproachable. I also don't know if I can possibly have my heart bruised again, and in such a way that I react by closing off my heart.

I don't wish to read someone's mind...I don't wish to know what the other person is thinking 100% of the time. But I also don't wish to feel left out. If you don't feel the same way, letting me know is better than continuing a farce or have me believing thing are okay. Kind of funny coming from someone who won't confront others, almost self-righteous. But I will probably never confront you about how I am feeling, so someone has got to do it.

This just in...

There are many times in my life when I wished I was either deaf or mute. Sometimes, both. Not because I wish to never talk again, or never hear again. Simply because there are times in my life when I wish I didn't speak up, or open my mouth. Other times I wish I didn't have to listen to what someone is telling me.

I am learning that what I say about others is a clear reflection of how others may also look at me, or see me. I am learning that if someone says negative things about another person, or people; if they talk in a discouraging way about others they call friends, chances are they are also doing this with me, and about me. This is an issue that has always reared it's ugly head since I was in junior high, and the older I get it does not seem to go away. I will admit there have been times when I have done this. I may have been upset about something and needed to get it off my chest to someone, anyone, before I exploded with feelings. But this action never seems to do anyone any good, mostly myself.

Something else I learned, am still learning, and will probably continue to learn. Those who talk about their other friends in a discouraging way are probably talking about you to those other friends in the same way. It does not take courage to talk about someone else negatively. It is very easy to get caught in that trap, and continue the trend for long periods of time. Same thing goes for secrets you may share with someone who tells you another person's secrets so freely. It is not curiosity that killed the cat. It is sheer lack of keeping your mouth shut that will cause hurt to someone else. As you are listening to someone tell you these things, ask yourself if the situation were reversed, and the person was telling someone else about your pains, issues, deepest feelings, would you want this to be light conversation between others?

We all need to share our feelings. We all need to express our fears to someone in a safe environment. We do not assume it will be seen as gossip fodder for others. Be mindful of how you share your information, and who you share that with. Be mindful of who you are talking about, and how you are talking about them. There may be a day that the shoe is on the other foot, and somehow people know more than they should. No one likes their lives, the personal moments they let you into, to be common knowledge for others.

The hardest part of saying goodbye

Today, like so many other days, I had to say goodbye to someone I hate saying goodbye to. It wasn't a "forever" goodbye (in a lame childish tone) where I was upset, or happy to see him walk away. It wasn't a death where I will never see him again. It was another goodbye, in an airport, watching him walk through the security gates, and off to his home.

I am familiar with goodbyes. Since I am dating someone who lives in a different city, it is par for the course. Something that has happened about every three weeks with one of us walking through the gates and off to the skies, homeward bound. Each time does not get easier, and if it did I would worry why I wasn't worried about his safe travels, his safe return to his home 2,500 miles away. But each time it reminds me of why it is so hard. Let me preface by saying that, at least in this turn, I will see him again in 4 days, 10 hours, 29 minutes (but who is counting). The reason it is so hard is due to the emotion I feel, the wonderful approach to relaxing I have while around him.

The hardest part of saying goodbye is walking away, knowing when I arrive at home I will be without him by my side. The hardest part of saying goodbye is knowing I won't see his smile for a few days, weeks, or heaven forbid - a month of longer. The hardest part of saying goodbye is not feeling his touch, feeling his hand hold mine. The hardest part of saying goodbye is not hearing his voice, and seeing his lips speak at the same time. The hardest part of saying goodbye is knowing I will face tomorrow morning without him as a part of my regular daily interaction. The hardest part of saying goodbye is knowing tomorrow will only be another day we are apart. The hardest part of saying goodbye is all the small things that add up to the person I am with, wanting to just be near him for longer than a few days.

I know part of the long distance is being patient. Patience, along with a high regard for the other person, a level of trust and respect that is there in any relationship, but needed at a higher level of sensitivity. The need for honesty, candor, and openness is at a higher level. The time spent with one another is to be a retreat, a gift, a desired destination. I feel very fortunate to have this time to really get to know him, share things with him that may not otherwise be shared if we were in close proximity. We don't have a Saturday routine of doing something together, but we do have a routine of calling each other throughout our day, of talking before we fall asleep, and of sharing moments of intimacy for thoughts shared with no one else. I am willing to wait until I see him again; willing to be patient while we are getting to know one another, willing to travel to see him. I am willing because I believe he is worth the wait. He is worth the moments of separation for the moments of being together.

I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention

I haven't written much this month. I could blame my busy life, which really is not that busy, the kids hectic school schedule, which is also not that hectic yet. Truth is, every time I sit down to write, I am conflicted with wanting to say so much, but yet having nothing worthy of writing. I am suffering from a case of feeling the minute I open my mouth, the other person will say, "I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention."

It has been a good month. I have been able to work, see my children grow a little taller, took some time to visit family and friends in California, and was able to see the person I am dating for an extended weekend. I have been able to experience new things, see new things, and enjoy my time.

The problem is not that I have not had anything to say, or share. No, it is more along the lines that I feel what I do have to say is riddled with shallow echoing of who I am. Tonight, I am at home, sitting in front of the computer, excited to go to San Diego in a few days, but yet feel so sad, and so lonely. I am constantly surrounded by those that care about me, yet I am feeling so empty. I wish I could pinpoint what it is that is bothering me, or what is "wrong". My nerves for the past week have also been shot, and I am feeling so very vulnerable at this time.

Sometimes, well, most times, I worry about the most insignificant of things to the rest of the world. Right now, I am worried that I will lose everything that is important to me. I am worried that those I care about most will not be there for me when I feel my world is caving in. I am worried that I may be replaced with a newer model or version of what I have to offer. And due to this feeling, I strive even harder to push the feelings aside. I work harder to make those around me feel loved, feel how important they are to me. I work harder to ensure my job is done correctly and with excellence. Yet, old haunts of situations in the past creep up and remind me that maybe what I am doing is not enough. That there could be someone who could replace me. That instead of making others feel their importance, I make them feel as I do right now - empty and afraid.

In my experiences, when I let others in I am always too vulnerable and viewed as a mess. When expressing my feelings they are brought back to be used as a weapon. When I give my all, my all is just short of what the other person wants. It is a constant struggle to wage war against these feelings, and feel my worth at times. It is a constant silent scream in a world filled with reminders that I was not good in other situations that are similar in my life, so what makes me feel, think, or dare to believe I won't repeat it. As strong as I seem to the outside world, and as faithful I am in my beliefs, I am still struggling nearly every day that I am a special person to someone in this world. I am struggling to believe that I can be loved, and be cherished. I am still struggling to overcome my fears brought forth by so many experiences in my past.

I do not doubt the love of my family. I do not doubt the strength of my faith. I just wish I could trust more in myself, and ease this weariness I feel. I wish I could feel the words I say are valued by those who hear them. I am sure tomorrow the feeling will subside. Something will happen to encourage me again; to press forward and believe. And maybe with a good night's rest, that will happen. But at this moment, I am feeling a bit blue, a bit sad, and a bit unlike who I strive to be.

Attempting to not seem insecure makes me feel useless

Lately there has been this tumultuous feeling in the under belly of life. I can't explain what it is. If I could explain this, I wouldn't have to feel it as the under belly. It is this feeling that something more is going on than should be, yet at the same time it is less than what it should be. It is full of contradictions, full of waves of confusion, and the feeling of not really knowing whether to confront or deny. It is all of the what ifs, should, would, and could-haves, need-to-do's, and I don't understands all rolled into one thought process.

I have never been a person who is good at confrontation. Confrontation of issue tackling on a personal level is more than difficult to me. In all the world of confrontations, I sometimes would rather pull the blankets over my head than to face an issue. It isn't that I am worried facing the confrontation may result in my ultimate demise. It is not that I may not be able to have my way, or that I may be hurt in the long run. Most of my issues with confrontation come from not wanting to hurt someone else, make someone else feel less than, or disappoint someone. Most the time, that "someone" includes my parents, and those I am with in a relationship.

It is that feeling that something is off, or not right that can make me feel insecure. Insecurity is so difficult to admit, and never something offered as a compromise to another. I don't want to seem insecure to those I am close to. Insecurity to me is a sign of weakness. A sign that I have something deficient within me. Who would want to admit this to anyone? In not hearing from certain people I feel I have let them down or that they are less than pleased with me. I am not vying for attention, just wanting to know I am worth their while, worth their time, and seen in a higher esteem than I currently feel at this moment in time. I am not vying to have someones undivided praise or approval, just to know that I am doing a good job, that I am missed, or that I am held at a higher level of importance. In the end, I think we all long for this feeling. And those who attempt to mask this desire may be in need of the occasional "I miss you" or "good job" or "I find you well worth more than you could ever know" some days.

I am not one to go out and seek this attention in an unadulterated method. I won't scream from the top of my lungs that I am in need of a talk; if I don't reach someone on the phone I tend to believe they are busy and will get back to me when they can. I won't typically call someone out and say "Look at me!" as if I am a 2 year old. No. That is not what I do. Instead, I sit and ponder all scenarios in which I may have disappointed someone important to me. I will replay moments in my head over and over. Those tiny moments that I thought differently of, little words said, or even worse, left unsaid. In the end, I drive myself crazy over a situation I can not only not solve without the help of someone else, but also must admit I think something is off, be possibly seen as insecure in the process, to solve my questions.

Tonight I will sleep on this feeling. Tonight I will leave things alone as much as I can, and hope that in the morning this feeling is nothing more than just raw emotions going awry due to my lack of sleep or forethought.

In the shadows of others

"Never place me within the shadows of the actions from those who came before me. I cannot make amends for them. I can only be responsible for my own."

There are many times in my life where I have been subjected to the actions of someone else before me. It is human; I get it. We protect ourselves by remembering the actions of others who hurt us, and become cautious of those who are new, entering our safe little world. This has happened in school, work, personal relationships, family. I am sure everyone in this great wide open spaces of Earth can complain about the same issue.

At what point, though, do you realize you may be missing something important or special when judging someone else based on evil-doer's of the past?

I worked for a company where the owner/president was so afraid someone was not going to perform if given 5 inches of room that the rest of us suffered. In the years prior to my being hired there had been many who had come and gone, graced their presence within the walls of the company. Of those that remained - their noses were always to the grindstone. Newbies that entered would automatically be assumed as lazy, or trying to take advantage of a situation no worth taking advantage of. I was victim of being accused of this until my last day of employ - where up until 4:59pm that day I didn't take the easy way out, but instead was submitting issues to the Development team at that time. I got off forever at 5. In starting my new job the following Monday to this day I suffer from the "Let's see how this pans out" mentality. I am told of new processes or people being hired and wonder "how long will it take before this is pushed to the side?" My previous experience taught me that as soon as a process is put into motion it will quickly be gone. If a new superior is hired, they will quickly figure out it is not a place they will remain long due to neurosis. This is in no reflection or direct relation to the new company; it is ghost of company past that leads to these feelings.

In friendships, I have been known to be the judge and jury due to others mistakes and the newbies that enter. I have a hard time letting new people in, and must feel secure before allowing my guard to be lowered. It is not fair, and I know it is not always right. But some knives others left in my back are still present, and still causing pain. Of those I let in, they are often friends for life. Of those that are gone, well, there is only so many lies, slaps in the face, stealing of boyfriends, and sarcastic tones I can take. Of those I trust, they may see more than they thought they were getting into. I rely upon them to be an anchor when I am floating away into oblivion. They are my rock when I am on sandy shaky grounds. It is a spot that is, in my mind, rare to reach, but forever in my heart once you reach it.

The most interesting place where I don't tend to create these rules is in personal relationships. I don't tend to create rules based upon previous hurts.

You would think after certain experiences this is where I would guard my heart the most. You would think after everything is said and done, I may not trust another person again. I have been a victim one too many times. But what good is playing the part of victim. We are all, in one way or another, a victim. It is one thing to live through and make it out on the other side of our pain. It is quite another to succumb to that pain and play dead. I regret not being able to continue a marriage; but in the end the marriage almost killed me. I was riddled with anxiety, fear, and lost who I was. I ceased from being Ruthe, to being someone who was afraid of her own shadow, and let life take care of her instead of taking care of life. The day my divorce was finalized was not one of celebration - the celebration would have been remaining married for 5, 10, 20 more years. I didn't feel like going out and toasting to a job well done. I had failed at something very close to my heart; I had failed my children. But the realization of wanting my children to grow up in a home they felt safe in, without arguing, without tension, without ill will for someone else was far more important for the bigger picture.

I dated a person who told me he loved me, then turned around and cheated on me with someone else who claimed to be a best friend. I dated another person who told me for nearly 5 years he was one of the few stable things I had in my life, one of the few people I could rely upon, only to turn around and leave. I dated someone else who was afraid that, based upon having children, I was wanting to settle down with him, call ourselves a family, and send Happy Father's Day cards to him. Two of those three men are still in my life as friends, as someone who eventually saved me from a life I was not intended to have. They all taught me an important lesson of how to learn to open my heart, believe in possibility, let go, forgive, and once again learn to open my heart, and to love again.

Of those past hurts, I have realized everyone is unique, and should not be changed. I tried so many different "methods" to change my ex-husband. In the end, it left me lonely and filled with despair. I vowed to accept everyone since then with an open heart. I don't make people jump through hoops, or "prove" themselves to me. But I also will pay close attention to what they say, what they claim, and what they do. The actions of those in my past are only bound to repeat themselves if I allow myself to walk down the same paths. And yes, there may be new hurts to feel, new losses to experience. But if I do not allow my heart to open to that possibility, I am a bigger fool than those who hurt me previously.

Accountability

Accountability...what a word. This word can make or break friendships, relationships, working environment, and define where you may decide to spend your money through a retailer, service provider, or food establishment.

I am a person who is usually on time for everything. I hate being late to work, and typically arrive at least 15 minutes in advance. When going to the airport I like to get there so far in advance I may as well book an earlier flight. I attempt to always make good on calling people back, showing up when expected, and doing what I say I will do. I find that this is not only respectful of others, but also a great respect to myself, and to who I am.

I have an extremely hard time with others who are not accountable. Those that are consistently late, consistently saying they will do things and don't, or consistently not living up to the action they proclaim with their words. It is easier to say you may not be able to do something rather than over extend and fail to do what you said you would do. If someone tells me they are calling, I believe them. If someone says they are going to show up, I take them at their word.

I have not always been this way. There was a time I almost lost a job in college due to tardiness. The tardiness was due in part to going to school a good 15 miles from where I worked, and there not being any more than a one lane road for a majority of my travels, poor time management, and lack of confidence to request a schedule 30 minutes later than what I was being given. It was through this experience that I have learned the value of being on time, respect, and appreciation for what I have.

Finding trust in an distrusting world

Finding trust in an distrusting world...how unimaginable is it for us to relinquish all power to another person based on faith.

Trust is the reliance upon something or someone else. The sheer essence of believing that thing or person will have enough in their own character or ability to excel. It is a combination of faith and action. We may find trust in our faith, in our parents, family, friends. We may find trust in the knowledge or previous experiences of others. But why do we find this trust? What is it that as a human being I desire trust, need trust, rely upon trust?

I believe we are all children, regardless of our height, in the eyes of someone. We are always children to our parents, and regardless of our ages our parents always worry and love us the same as when we were an infant, a child, a teen. Circumstances for worry may change, but it is always there. We are all children in the eyes of our Heavenly Father.

I am a trusting person in general, but often times it is a reward or bi-product of circumstance. I am willing to trust someone else based on actions I have witnessed. I trust in my faith based on miracles from previous times described in the Bible, and the miracles I have witnessed within my own life. It is not always easy to trust someone else. The world is full of hatred, and sometimes it may feel easier to succumb to distrust over trust. I think I can trust with apprehension first, until there is a clear vision or reaction to another person's actions.

Growing up, I trusted my parents, as any child does. I looked at my father as the most wise man, my mother as the strongest woman alive. They demonstrated constant care of my needs, and the needs of my brothers. Growing into my teen years, I began to not trust them quite as much. My father was always there, offering support to a girl who was self-conscious, awkward, and clumsy. He would listen to my fears, my thoughts, my ideas, my complaints. Leaving for college, and feeling displaced in the world, he was there to always lift me up. It was so hard being separated from him I remember not being able to even carry a conversation with him over the phone due to feeling he would disappear after we hung up the phone. My mother and I had a different relationship. Our relationship was always strained in some way. I was a girl, the only girl, and the oldest. She trusted me to make the best decisions, to be the prominent example to my younger brothers, in school, friends, clothing, boys, work, etc. I unfortunately let her down time after time. Her ultimate display for lack of trust came when she read my journal when I was 17 - my private thoughts, my private dreams, my inner circle to who I was. It took me quite a while to trust in my ability to pen my thoughts to paper without fear of her reading them. But, once I left home I realized it was not lack of trust in me. It was ultimate love, and wanting the best for me. When you can look at everything your parents told you as a kid, and realize they were actually right - you tend to have a different view on the situation in hind sight.

I have other family that provides that comfort of trust. My family, next to faith, is the highest importance to me. And while my family is a mixture of individuals bonded by blood, marriage, friendship, they are all incredible people I am blessed to have in my life. To allow someone to care for my children, to take care of their needs in my absence, and make decisions that could alter how my children view that moment, or the rest of their lives, is powerful in action and testament.

I have trusted in my faith for as long as I remember. Whenever I am afraid, I know I can pray for comfort. Whenever I feel the world is a battle front, I pray for peace. If I feel lost, I know I can pray for direction. I have prayed so many prays, and had so many prayers answered. They may not have always been answered as I wanted them to be, but they were always answered. Everything from feeling scared as a kid when I was locked out of the house, to my most recent prayers...I feel fortunate to always have this relationship of trust in my life. It is where I find the most trust, and where I feel the most comfort. It is my refuge from the storms that surround me in life.

Recently, my trust has been very guarded. I have felt there are limited individuals I can truly call upon in the middle of the night should I stumble and need help. That is an awful, gut-wrenching feeling to allow someone into your chaos, your irrational thoughts, or actions. I have had to rely upon trust to help me survive distance in geography or time. My trust does not waiver, nor does it change. Levels of trust can increase or decrease, but it is on both parties to maintain that trust. Finding trust in an distrusting world is more than good actions being rewarded; it is also in the care and thought put into your actions. It is more than belief someone will be there; it is also in the level of being there that matters. Just as an infant trusts in their parents, we should never forget that essence of trust beyond reason, and demonstrate our own trust with others in our actions, thoughts, deeds, care, and love.