Shutting down and other defense mechanisms

There are many things we may use to protect our hearts and minds during times of sadness, sorrow, trouble, or when dealing with pain.  For me, I shut down...literally.

I have never been good with confrontation.  In fact, I am one that tends to avoid it as much as I can.  While some confrontation is good, I prefer to avoid the type of confrontation that leads to arguments, or other situations that lead to only hurt, pain, and disillusionment.

Recently, this has been where I reside.  I reside in a state of shut down.  I have a hard time expressing myself to those I once viewed as being close for fear of being exposed for my feelings.  I have a hard time letting go and letting God do what needs to be done within my life. 

I was in a conversation on the phone recently where I was told I was the one who decided to have things "over".  Along with every other emotion I have been dealing with, I was taken aback by this statement.  How did I decide things were over when I knew details that were not pleasant to know?  I don't think it was too much to ask when confronting a situation, requesting the truth, to receive omission that later I am blamed for.  Here is the thing.  Because I love him, because I truly wanted him to be happy, I had to face the fact that if he was seeing other people, maybe he was not as happy with me.  If he wanted to move on, why would I hold him back?  I didn't decide to move on, I wasn't seeing anyone else.  I wasn't omitting my emotions or feelings.  I was trying to determine ways to be together, ways to enrich both of our lives, and to be with him.  I wasn't talking to other people, entertaining the idea of seeing others, I wasn't introducing my family to someone new.  I wasn't walking around telling other people that things were over between us - that we had a talk about being on a break.  How could I be the one who decided to have things over when all I wanted was to be with him, give him the space he asked for, and try to continue to maintain faith that if this was something meant to be, it would all work out.

I guess I have lost faith in so many things in the past three months.  I went from thinking I was with someone I would share more time with to being treated in passive aggressive methods for him to show his own pain.  I went from feeling comfortable sharing my thoughts to being told my thoughts were extremely hurtful and that I am foolish in how I feel.  I went from being told I was important and special to being told I was hurtful to him.  I have lost the person I loved, and at the same time I hear from him telling me how awful a person I am.  All I did was try to avoid confrontation, to treat him with respect and wait for him to tell me what was going on. 

It hurts.  The whole situation has been nothing short of a dream gone wrong.  I don't understand so much, I don't have anyone to really discuss this with.  And while he says we will talk about things sometime, what will that conversation be?  Me, listening to him tell me how horrible I am when I sat, believing he wanted to be with me but was making plans with someone else?  I would have done anything for him to be happy, for him to have the life he needed and wanted.  That meant me walking away, allowing him that space he requested.  That meant I knew he was with someone else, and choosing to not let this be difficult for me.  That meant that when he contacted me with confusing emails telling me he was still thinking about what he wanted I had to choose to not confront him with what I knew, and ask questions. 

No, instead I have shut down.  I have shut down and am unable to discuss my feelings.  I am unable to discuss the amount of pain my heart feels.  I am unable to think clearly, and evidently unable to tell him how I am feeling without fear of hurting him again, without revealing where I am and what I feel for fear of ridicule.  I am so alone in this world right now, so painfully alone with my thoughts, and with my unrealized dreams.

What are you looking for?

The question that always poses itself when meeting new people - "What are you looking for?"  I typically avoid asking this question.  Maybe this is why I have not found that balance I am looking for.  But I avoid it for specific reasons.  I want to make sure I am not emulating qualities another is looking for.  I want to ensure I am being myself, and being appreciated good or bad for those qualities.  I want to make sure I am open-minded about the newness that can be found in a relationship.  There are plenty of items on my imaginary list that everyone will never measure up to.  To enforce those items upon someone who is real, and may be a wonderful addition to my life seems justly unfair.

It is an interesting question to ask though.  One that even for the most iron-glad heart finds difficult to answer.  I don't have a specific "type" of man I am looking for.  I know what I am attracted to, but most times this attraction is not physical, but rather intellectual or spiritual than based on attributes seen with the naked eye.  What attracts me physically may not always be what is best for me in the long run. In not having many relationships, I have been both blessed with not having too much heartbreak, but still enough to know I am not a fan of the hurt.

I want someone who is spiritual, seeking the Lord, seeking delight within the Lord.  I want someone I can sit and pray with, share my faith, share my spirituality with. I want someone who is kind, sensitive but strong, someone who knows the value of working, but also enjoys having fun.  I want someone to say "I want to be with you, and with your children."  I want someone who understands the pressures of being a parent, but doesn't shirk away from those pressures. I want someone who is respectful of my family, accepts the family I have.

I want someone who will come into my life and enhance it.  At the end of a long day, we can sit together, hold each other's hands, knowing together we are stronger than apart.  I want someone who will look at me and instantly feel a peace within his mind, and joy within his heart.

I want someone who sees my flaws, recognizes my fears, and knows I am not perfect, but stays with me regardless of these things.  I want a relationship that feels like a safe haven in the middle of life's storms that come our way. Someone who will hold me when I feel the world is falling apart around me, wanting to prop me up.

I don't expect perfection.  I don't expect the other person to never make a mistake, never says something that is hurtful for unknown reasons.  I only require he try his best.  I want someone who is honest, and if he is feeling worried, upset, fearful, or joyful he is able to express that with me.  I want someone who is faithful, wanting to be with me above all others he may be able to meet or be with.

I want someone who can walk into the room and lighten the atmosphere by being there.  Someone who is not afraid to show me affection in front of others, and who gladly takes my hand. I want someone who declares to the world that he is with me, and protects me from the outside harms.  

I want someone responsible, able to maintain a job, and able to pay his bills.  Someone who understands the value of a dollar.

My heart has been bruised in the past.  I am not willing to rush into a situation that should not be rushed.  I am not willing to sacrifice the desires of a strong healthy relationship in exchange for physical relationships.  I am not willing to be with someone who simply pretends to be in it with me - he has to be active, show up every day.  I want to get married again, I want to celebrate a life with someone.  I want to grow older with someone who is my friend, someone who is my confidant, and loyal to the desires we both have.  Someone who supports my dreams as I support his.  Someone who believes in me, someone who allows me to believe in him.

I am not sure if this is out there.  I am not sure why it has taken so long for me to get this.  I am not sure if the qualities I want exist in today's age of selfishness, lies, manipulation, and feelings of instant gratification.  But I remain hopeful it does exist.  I remain hopeful that whoever the Lord has for me is going through the same questions, wanting the same qualities, and we are both just in the preparation phase to ready ourselves for one another.  I am hopeful I will meet him soon, start our process of learning about each other, and continue into a relationship that fulfills our heart's desires.

What the past year has taught me

The moment you made me an option in your life is the moment you were no longer became a priority in mine.

That sentiment of becoming an option verses a priority seems to be the theme of my past year.  That ability to discard what needs to be discarded, and cherish what should be cherished.  That ability to move on, forward as ever, and learn from the mistakes of yesterday.

If you had told me a year ago of all the experiences I would encounter within the next 12 months of my life, I would have thought you were joking.  I would have thought you were crazy.  I would have told you I would never endure through some of those experiences.  Yet, here I am, one year later, and still standing. 

Some days I may not stand as straight as I could.  Other days I stand straighter than ever.  I have been tested, tried, experienced great moments of sadness, and great moments of joy.  All of these created on hell of a year.  What were those moments?

Last year at this time I had just moved into a new place to live, and started a new job.  I was struggling with all that was familiar being gone, and replaced with uncertainty, newness, and change.  Today, I have settled into both nicely, and while the new place I am living is small, I have learned it isn't the size of what you have, but that you have a roof over your head to be thankful for.  

Had you told me last year at this time that I would go through not just one, but two breakups, I would have told you I couldn't do that.  I couldn't possibly allow my heart to be broken twice.  Yet, it has happened.  Both in completely different ways did this come about.  

The first breakup was in honesty, was in faith that what I was being told would not crush me but make me stronger. I will always love him, and as time has passed I have discovered I appreciate his friendship we still share together.  I am thankful he was honest with me.  I am thankful he let me go to grow on my own, remembering all the moments we shared, helping me build more moments of all I learned with others.  He is one of the few people I know would be there for me if I needed help.  He has proven himself to be reliable to this day in his promises made while we were together.  He still takes on the role of confidant with my children, still spends time with them, providing that fatherly role both of my children don't have, but may need more than I realize.  I am thankful beyond belief that he broke things off with me for no other reason than I am able to see him in a different light.  He was right, we wouldn't have worked out.  There were too many things I didn't see while I was with him that were not necessarily deal breakers, but just things that I wouldn't have been happy with forever.

The second breakup is not as honest, not as faith-filled, and only time will tell how my heart will heal from the experience.  Each day I face difficulties with trusting people now.  Some of that is on me, some of it is on him.  Eventually I have to let things go, keep moving forward, and try to remember all the wonderful experiences I had.  I was different with him.  I was more willing to open up in ways I had not opened up since I was younger.  I believed in possibilities again.  I believed in myself in so many ways.  While my heart is definitely on the mend, and it may take time to fully recover, I will always love him in certain ways.  He gave me something no one else has, and no one else may be able to give in the future.  It is sad that it had to end with lies, but I guess it was never meant to be if it ended this way.

I had to buy a new car when my old car died.  This was not an expense I was ready for, and I was not ready to depart from my car I lovingly called Fred.  The new car has been a source of frustration for some points, and has spent time in the shop for a car accident...but such is life.

We welcomed a new member into our family - Wendy.  Wendy is a cute little corgi/shelty mix that looks like a fox, has instincts like Cujo, and protects you like no other if she loves you.

I traveled more this year for personal reasons than I ever had.  It did help dating someone who did not live locally to rack up the miles, but that is another positive I take from the debacle it became.  I traveled to San Diego, New York City, Connecticut, a few other New England locations.  I was able to see the Statue of Liberty and World Trade Center on 9-11, went to a few airshows, fed giraffes and rhinos.

I discovered I actually like sushi, and enjoy eating it.  This would have been reason to question another person's sanity had they told me this a year ago, but now, I love the stuff.

I learned what it meant to support someone, love someone, and care for someone in a better way.  Whether this is regarding my kids, my family, or the person I was with, it remains true.  

I have learned that sometimes those you believe are friends may not be the best of friends you thought them to be.  Yes, they may be there for you when the going gets rough, and for that I am thankful.  But they may also be sharing your secrets with others, and this reminds me to be more guarded with my secrets.  It reminds me to seek out the counsel of prayer more, and the counsel of men less.  

I have learned once again that my family absolutely amazes me.  I am so fortunate to be surrounded by those who love me, who support me, who beyond a shadow of a doubt are there for me.  I have the fortune of knowing these individuals, their strengths, weaknesses, highs, lows and everything in between.  In turn, they too know these things about me.  Yet we still can look at each other with eyes of love, forgiveness, and forever know we are there for one another.

I have been so very fortunate to have a year as I have had.  In a year with so many ups and downs, I consider myself fortunate.  While I do not wish to ever relive this year, I do believe there were more positives that came about than negatives.

Scar Tissues that I wish you saw...

It is funny how someone can touch your life.  There are those that come in for a short time, filling our lives with immense joy.  Others who remain for a lifetime as a source of strength.  And then there are those that come in, cause destruction left and right, and scars so deep you feel the Grand Canyon exists within your soul.

This is what the last relationship I was in has done to my heart.  Where once there was happiness, once there was a desire to talk to him, support him, and help him, it is now a black hole within my heart that I hope in time will recuperate so that I can move on with my life, with him only serving as a blur.

It is not easy, being single.  It is not easy to meet people, especially those with whom you want to maintain contact with.  It isn't easy to find someone worth 2 minutes of your time, much less 2 minutes worth of the bullshit you wasted while learning they weren't worth your time.  And thanks to the last relationship I was in, I have so many apprehensions about trusting another man.

When betrayal has occurred in a relationship, when lies were present, when the other person opted to withhold rather than divulge, you are left with this feeling that protecting your heart is of the utmost priority.  Unfortunately, this also puts you on a high alert that pales in comparison to any national security alert that we could go through.  You look at people differently.  Instead of accepting someone at face value, you wonder when they are going to deceive you.  Instead of enjoying your time getting to know who that other person is, you are waiting for them to deceive you.  Instead of letting someone in, you maintain a 5 foot rule upon your heart at all times.

It hurts.  It hurts that when someone tells me I am special to them I am waiting for them to also lie to me about their intentions.  It hurts that when I see them on their cell phone checking email or text messages I am wondering if they are looking at something from the other person they are seeing that I am unaware of.  It hurts that I am always suspicious of what I am being told, what I am being led to believe, and what may actually be truth don't seem to align.  It hurts to care about someone, then have them disappoint you in such a way you feel you may not recover.  It hurts that I get to walk around, feeling like I am on a tightrope 100% of the time, waiting to fall without any safety net. 

The damage the last relationship did to my heart goes far beyond anything I can describe.  The secrets, the lies, the omissions, the deceit.  All of it waged upon my heart like a firing squad.  I never even stood a chance because you can't make the right decisions for yourself and those that you care about when you are basing them on the lies you are being told.  All I wanted to do was support him, care about him, and have the same in return.  Instead, I was emotionally spat upon.  I don't know when I will ever be over the actions he carried out so precisely like a hit man upon my heart.

Just when I think I am getting over it, moving forward, something new always pops up to remind me.  A memory, something someone says, a smell, the mention of a place...And then it floods in.  All that doubt about why someone who claimed to care could discard me so callously.  All that confusion of how you can care for someone, love them, support them, and they return to you with lies.  And just like that, all my wounds surface as if he is sitting across from me right now, telling me the lies he told me all over again.  It is the emotional equivalent of whiplash...only there is no one to adjust your heart...no one to make things right with him ever again...nothing that will remove that pain I feel at this moment.  The wounds are so fresh at this moment I am beyond words to even express my pain.  I am not angry, but rather I am so numb to what has been done.

I just want to move on.  I want to experience true happiness for longer than 5 minutes with the memory of you dancing in the background.  I want to not feel so much pain when I see a picture of you.  I want to not have tears well in my eyes at the thought of what lies you told me, and how you sit there, so smug, thinking you got away with the robbery of my heart and feelings.  I want to not think about you anymore.  I want to know that when I wake up tomorrow I won't have a single thought about the pain you have placed in my life. I want to never think about why you treated me like a scrap of paper, discarded when no longer needed.  I want to remember what it is like to have someone actually give a damn about me, care for me, and take me into consideration rather than fill my ears with what you have deemed 'appropriate'.  I want to no longer deal with the scars, or wonder if i will ever feel the ability to trust again.  I want to feel again, I want to love again, I want to be myself again, unafraid to share my heart, and unafraid to trust.

Thanks for the scars, GL.  Thank you for all the pain I am feeling right now as you sit smugly thinking you are getting away with it.  Thank you for taking my heart, and smashing it.  Thank you for that level of sensitivity you behold that truly is note-worthy.  Thank you for helping create so much doubt within my mind, body, soul and heart based upon your actions.  Thanks for the scars...

Leaving the past behind

Some things are better left in the past rather than reliving them.  Some moments in the past do not need to be revisited if they are only going to cause pain.  Moving forward, pressing through the difficulties is the path to healing.  Not going through the "what if's" that, at the end of the day, have no answer.  They are imaginary, unrealistic, and not worth the energy you may focus upon them.

This is the greatest advise...so easy to give someone who may be hurting, may be suffering.  But to listen to this advise for yourself is harder.  Especially when this concerns a matter of your heart.  I would be the greatest hero in my own life if only I could follow this advise myself.  I would be the savior to my pains in so many ways if I could remember this.

In leaving the past behind, there are plenty of cliches one may always be told.  Maybe cliche is not the right word, but those things people always tell you.  "God has a plan for you," "Something better is on it's way," "Everything will be okay, just wait and see" are all very thoughtful things to tell someone, but they stab at your heart if you are on the receiving end.  Whatever that past hurt may be, it takes time.  

It isn't that I want to relive the past.  I don't want to suffer through the pains I have ever felt in my life on purpose.  No one wants to do that to themselves, nor do they do this intentionally.  It is just part of being human, being a person with emotion and sensitivity.  Being someone who, at one point, gave a damn.  I want to remember the pain enough to avoid it in the future, but not enough to allow control in my current day. And in knowing the difference, you have already conquered some of yesterday's demons waiting to drag and claw you down.  Any previous hurt, any previous exchange of misery, any previous belief of hope that has been changed due to circumstance - I want to move forward from this.

In my personal point of view, it isn't that I believe I was lied to, that he lied to me. It was time was actually spent on creating, procuring, and believing the lie he has formed inside his mind.  It isn't that you lied, it is that you allowed omission to enter into the scenario.  It is that you thought so little of me, you believed a lie would be better than truthfulness.

Leaving the past behind...what a wonderful thought, what a wonderful sentiment, what a wonderful gift to bestow upon yourself that only you can bestow.  No one else can do this for you - it is something you must decide, act, envision, and perform on a minute to minute basis some days until it eventually is day to day, then eventually thought of less and less.  Time is a very fickle friend, because it will also allow you to remember the great times as well, overshadowing much of the hurt.  Don't waste your time on a past that is clearly not what was intended for you.  Don't waste time thinking those moments will come back - it will only prolong your own path to healing.  Eventually you will have forgiveness, and the happiness you deserve.

Don't You Remember

It is always interesting to me the events to lead up to, and eventually establish an end to something.  This end could be anything, really.  An end to the day, an end to the year, an end to a relationship, an end to a friendship.

In so many ways, it is always the smallest of details and smallest of moments that seem to be lost in that time, but remembered as monumental later on.  That small glance, that moment of silence.  That slight shift within the universe that separates us from what we were then to what we are now.  So insignificant at the time, yet so earth shattering later on in the grand retrospect.

As if a break up or ending is not hard enough, it is when one person is not completely straight-forward, where they proclaim honesty when they have not been completely honest that the true devastation occurs.  That is what is remembered long after the tears have dried, the smile returns, and the heart is mended from the loss of love.  In the moment, it may seem they are saving the other person pain, but what they don't know is that they have created more pain than they may have thought of.  Proclaiming that time is needed, contemplating where their heart is, when they have already made a decision regarding their heart is not only hurtful, but incredibly cowardly.  In being treated as an option, and declaring their feelings but not listening to the other's feelings is not only insensitive, but selfish.  All these things and more can leave scars upon a heart, and bitterness upon future relationships.

In the need to act as an adult, to act as a person who will walk away with her head held high, and knowing he will never tell me the truth, I am at a crossroads.  A crossroad of feeling that if I am not worth the full truth, I was not worth his time in the first place.  A crossroad of feeling betrayed by his 'honesty' or lack thereof because any words he may say now are forever tarnished with the knowledge of what has transpired in the in-between.  A crossroad of where I once felt a strong resolve to care, to support, and to share I now feel a strong resolve to close off my heart forever, let him fall if he may, and not look back on yesterday when his smile was what I longed to see most. 

Due to the knowledge of his deceit, my heart is forever closed off.  In the future I may be able to talk to him, to be kind to him, but not in the same method in which he knows me, not in the same method he is accustomed to.  In the future I may be able to forgive and forget, but at this moment in time, my heart is shattered from the deceit, and not really from his departure.  To have our lives be so trivialized by his words hurts; to have my feelings disregarded so carelessly is confusing.  To have him believe that he has been honest with me is wrong.

Believing in others

Start believing in others before they succeed and have success. 
Give your time to help their dreams become realities; 

you'll never regret it.

What a simple thought, that at the same time seems so difficult to do with some people.  In some ways, this is the model for how we believe in our partners we choose to walk through life with, our children, our friends...we believe in them sometimes before they even believe in themselves, or are aware of what they can do.

Success is a measurable level of satisfaction in a job well done.  This success may be in school, profession, happiness in general.  If we are unable to help others with their success, how do we, in turn, expect our own success to occur?

As we meet the partner we want to walk with throughout our lives, there are many qualities needed.  We need patience, grace, trust, respect, and finally love.  Without the other attributes or qualities, we would not be able to love.

Love is not an emotion, but rather a choice.  It is a choice for you to love someone.  And while there are feelings that incorporate this decision, ultimately it is by choice, and by patience, grace, trust, and respect that you make that choice to be with someone.  Through this, you also learn more about the other person.  You learn about their hopes, their dreams.  In helping them acquire their dreams, you are able to realize your own dreams.  In recognizing their fears, you are able to believe with them that fear is temporary, and due to unknown outcomes.  

We need patience in the relationship with our partner for differences that may occur, or different thoughts we may share, each in our own unique beauty.  We need grace, allowing for mistakes to occur, but knowing the mistake was an action, and not necessarily representative of the person who made the mistake.  We need trust.  Trust to know they will come through for us when needed.  Trust they are going to stay when we feel we are not even possibly worthy of their attention or affection.  We need respect...respect for their decisions, their desires, dreams, fears, and struggles.  All this embodies the guidelines for what we refer to as love.  It is not always easy, and sometimes it may feel we are giving more than we may be getting in return.  But if we are only seeking something in return, we are believing for the wrong reasons.

With children, you believe in them right from the start.  It is more of a hope in the beginning as you learn more about what your child is actually capable of doing.  But as they grow, you believe in their ability to sleep through the night, feed themselves, walk, use the bathroom unassisted.  Yes, you are helping them along the way - you are giving them tools they need to succeed, but you believe in them to allow that sharing of your experiences to help them succeed.

In our daily lives, this is also what Heavenly Father offers us.  He always offers free will.  He allows us to make our own choices.  But he also offers us His patience, he allows us His grace, He trusts us to make the decisions that are right for us.  In return, we must never forget to be respectful of His plans for us, regardless if it may not be the avenue we believe we should be traveling.  We must never forget to love Him, call upon Him, and seek out His love.  It is not always easy, for if it were easy we would never understand how to give thanks. But through this, we achieve the greatest degree of success...we have success not only on this earth, but also in the Heavens.

My hurting heart

I am stubborn.  I am not someone that allows others into my realm very often to see my fears, my doubts, my needs.  I don't ask for help, and certainly do not walk around telling everyone my business.  I don't want others to see me in pain, or see if I am hurting.  And sometimes this results in my inability to accept help, and my ability to push others away.  Subconsciously or consciously I am afraid to let others in when I need help, request help, or even allow someone else to help me.  I am close-guarded with my feelings, close-guarded with my heart.  I don't want to be someone's project to work on, or feel pity due to my mistakes or actions.  I don't want anything else but a hug, someone to be there, holding my hand, and telling me regardless of my mistakes, they will be there for me with the understanding that if I do make a mistake I learn from it, hoepfully not to repeat it again.

I don't feel the need to project an image of myself to others that is false; I just don't want to allow them into my thoughts to safeguard my own heart.  I don't feel the need to be perfect in front of others; I just don't want anyone to worry about me.  And it takes someone very special to unlock the padlock and come inside.

My questions, my needs, my desires can not be answered in a small way.  And when attempting to apologize for something I have done wrong, it is difficult to express exactly what I would like to say without feeling completely disrobed.  My ability to write about how I feel has always been my method for expression.  But in life, you cannot carry around a tablet to write your emotions.  And once something is said, you cannot take a giant eraser and remove the comment.  It is there - hanging in the air like a giant storm cloud waiting to produce a downpour. For all the reflection back on this pain, it seems I am drowning in a pool without a life vest or lifeguard on duty.  The life vest would be forgiveness, and the lifeguard would the person I hurt. 

I try to not be insensitive toward others.  I would never outright do something hurtful to another person, regardless of how I am feeling myself.  I do not use others words and feelings as a method of exploitation.  I don't typically use others words against them in a way that makes them reconsider sharing in the first place.  Because I am so sensitive myself, I try to not hurt someone else.  But still, there is no reason for my actions, and nothing I feel I can do to remedy the situation.  And there are not enough ways to say you are sorry when you have hurt someone else - it is unfortunately up to them to reciprocate, to come back, to forgive, and to move forward. 


In looking back, there are so many things I wish I could do differently.  The words that escaped my mouth that caused pain, the actions that created an alienation.  Most of this is a blur, and not something I can take back.  It has been a very difficult week with many roller coaster emotions and confusion, intense moments and things shared.  Some things good, some things not so good.  I am really struggling, but keep praying.  My heart is hurting, my head is spinning. And I feel I messed up in ways I can never make up for.

If I could remove all the hurt I caused, I would.  If I could offer any words, do anything to help create a salve on the wound of this other person's heart, I would not stop until the wound healed.  My only hope is that I am given another chance.  That my words and actions are forgiven, healing can begin, and our journey continues on the same path together.

Sure of you

 

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

I have always liked this quote from A.A. Milne.  There are moments when I feel like Pooh, and moments where I feel like Piglet with this sentiment.

There are many moments in life where you feel like Piglet - needing to feel sure of someone else.  That need to ensure someone, whoever that someone is, is there with you, walking with you, staying by your side.  That feeling of security knowing they are standing with you.  That desire to make sure how you feel correlates to how they may feel.

There are other moments in life where you feel like Pooh - the strong one standing by Piglet's side, reassuring that someone you are there, that you are walking with them, staying by their side.  You become the rock, that strong force for someone in need.  

What a nice sentiment it is, to find someone you can be sure of.  To find someone who you can share things with, and to stand next to one another come what may.  Life is not about the fears we have that disable us from trying, or being who we should be.  Life is about the fears we overcome, the fears that enable us to discover, to try, to grow.  Life is about the ever changing world around us, and finding that person who is supportive of us, regardless of what may come our way together - as a team - both sure of each other, or reassuring one another if the other is feeling weak.   

A relationship is not just about the pretty butterflies in your stomach nor the heart throbbing sensations. It is about sticking together through the storms, encouraging each other daily, doing your best despite your fears, respecting one another, and not giving up if things become difficult.We are not promised to have only good days.  We are not promised that tomorrow we may have issues where our today is filled with so much promise.  The only thing we can do is stay together, hold each other's hands, and face the world as a team. 

Storm

There are very few that may see my fears, even fewer who actually get my fears.  Some days I am intense, and need someone else to just listen rather than offer their opinions.  Other days I need those opinions and feedback.  Right now, those fears, those opinions, feedback...they all lead into this storm I am feeling.  Right now, I feel like I am drowning in all the emotions I am feeling, and there is no hand to reach for, no one to pull me up, no one to rescue me.  For all the faith I have in this world, and all the love I know I have, I feel very alone, very small, very frightened.  While I know things will be okay, it doesn't stop those feelings from being present, from showing their ugliness.

So many thoughts running through my head right now, and none of them that actually even make sense.  So many questions, what-ifs, and scenarios of what I should do now, in this moment I am in, and where I should go.  The only thing that seems to make sense is writing things out, getting my thoughts out.   I feel somewhat insignificant, and unable to clarify all those thoughts.  Talking to someone about how I am feeling really won't help.  At this point, I don't want to burden anyone with my thoughts when I cannot even think clearly.

I love the moments in my life, and I love the people that shape my life.  But my life, the moments within my life, the people who shape my life, all feels so blurry right now.  I know this life has much more to offer me, I just wish I could see when the storms I feel I have will pass, and the sun will be shining again.  I am tired of the rain cloud that seems to dominate my every mood.  I try my best each day, give of myself probably more than I receive in return. Some days I feel I give, and give, and give with very little in return.  It is not my objective to receive something in return, but when I am staring at my phone, needing to talk to someone, and unable to call the only person I really want to talk to, all the other numbers seem to be a huge pattern of numbers rather than a connection to the outside.

I keep wondering how long will things be like this?  At what point do I receive what I need, what I want?  If I am so deserving of great things, how come I have been in this struggle for so long, feeling that I am always living hand to mouth.  When I feel that slight bit of happiness it seems to run away from me as quickly as it can.  Whenever I feel I may be able to have those things I desire it seems they are more like castles in the sand, where the tide has rushed in and is gone quicker than anyone can imagine.  I keep searching for possibilities, and all I seem to find is the impossible.  And to me, when someone says something is impossible it means they just don't want to try.  They don't feel I am worth the investment of their time.  And it seems to be a constant theme.  At what point do I just surrender, give up, and move forward realizing that maybe I am not supposed to have someone to love me, maybe I am not supposed to have happily ever after.  Maybe what I have right now is all I will ever have.  Because in all those things I am told I deserve - they seem to escape me over and over.  I want so desperately to just break down, give up, and realize what I have been going through for so many years is what I will always have - loneliness.

So, I found this song today, and the lyrics seem to fit this mood.  Oddly enough, the song is called Storm. 

how long have I

been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't

bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright

The band-aid effect

Today has been filled with so many up and down roller coaster emotions.  This has been going on for over a week now, and it seems each day brings another roller coaster line I am waiting in.  The questions of what I should do, what I should say, and not to mention the reaction toward what may come my way...too many things to even think about.  That indecision, that unknown sentiment that will be expressed by the person you want to be with, share moments with, and the fear of the band-aid...

It is that band-aid effect that has me feeling so upside down, right side up, and everywhere in between. I have been down that path where you have so much indecision it tears you apart.  I find myself unable to sleep, unable to focus, and the most simple of tasks seem like monumental achievements.  That feeling where you know something is off, and you are not sure what the next step should land because you can't feel the ground beneath your feet. That band-aid effect where you are waiting for the sting to come, so you prolong ripping the bandage off in the first place.

The bandages we place upon our hearts, those intended to protect us, can some times feel like the enemy.  Those bandages we use to heal can sometimes become a source of pain.  Often, the more bandages we use, the more sensitive we become. And the more sensitive I become, the more that roller coaster occurs.

I am not the strongest of persons.  I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, available and visible for the entire world to see.  It is not intentional, and I try to hid them as best I can, but sometimes that is not always possible.  Sometimes, regardless of how hard I may try, they are there.  And I appreciate honesty, sincerity, and heartfelt words that ease my fears.  But sometimes, again, that band-aid is there, and in the process of honesty, sincerity, and heartfelt words, there is the sting from the removal.  And the healing does not occur until days later when my thin skin has healed.

I pray tomorrow will offer sweet comfort, sweet relief, and the joy I want so desperately.  I pray tomorrow, and every day after, will only bring me the companionship I long for.  And I guess I won't know that until I get through tomorrow.  Hopefully the band-aid I fear will be nothing, and only soothing comfort will be there.

Moving forward in an uncertain time

We are never promised a road map in life.  This mystical road map that will guide you toward where you need to go, to help avoid issues or problems along the way.  We are not even offered a map...each one of us sets forth each day, on our own paths based upon decisions we have previously made, making new decisions for our next steps, and mostly hope what we decide is best for all involved.

I am currently on this path of uncertainty.  I know what I want, and am working toward that goal.  But there are many different variables that also impact my life that my prevent me from what I want. It is always the most difficult time when this also deals with my heart.

In my heart, I want to shout from rooftops that I am in this place of happiness based on being with someone who I find wonderful beyond belief.  I am with someone who can make me blush just at hearing his name.  His attention to detail, his wit, sense of humor, and intelligence help me strive to do better.

In my heart, I feel reborn with this relationship.  I am learning how to think in a more positive manner, how to understand better, and to be more supportive, and how to allow him in.  I am learning how to stand when it feels the world may crash around me without him beside me each day.  I am learning how to trust again, to feel emotions I have never allowed myself to have out of fear of abandonment or emotional backlash.

Never in my life did I think I would find someone on this earth who immediately calms my fears, gives me a sense of electricity in the air, and clarity.

Never did I think I would find someone who brings such joy into my life other than the joy brought by my children.  He brings such a sense of happiness when he walks into a room, smiles at me, or just glances at me that I have never felt before.

Never did I think I would also have that bittersweet knowledge that I am not able to see him on a regular basis.  I am not able to have dinner with him on a Thursday night - make plans for a Saturday afternoon - or help with something as simple as grocery shopping.  As I was reminded, each night I go to sleep alone.

When we are not together, there is a piece of me missing.  There is a hole in my heart that only fills when we are next to each other.  And for all the difficulties we face, it feels so much better when we are able to see the break of a new day together.  It is much more than chemistry - I feel as if I have met a person who simultaneously shares a thought with me without the need to say a word.  There have been times when I have said something to which he says "I was just getting ready to say that." Or, I have written about something within a blog or email that he has not seen and he brings the subject up.  In so many ways, for so many reasons, I feel this is the right person to trust with my heart, to trust with my life, and to love.  In being married, having other long term relationships, I have never felt that connection with someone else.

And, as everything must be in life, there is uncertainty of how we continue living 2,500 miles apart, have a relationship, and where we go from here.  In so much uncertainty, there are odd factors I have never felt before.  If asked, I would leave my own comfort zone to enter his, for no other reason than the belief that it was the right decision to make.  In the past, this has not been the case.  In the past, when contemplating a move, I told my then boyfriend I had no intentions of leaving the location I am living.

I never felt safe enough to leave my comfort zone for this other person, but with my guy I feel this very calming and peaceful feeling even at the contemplation of a move. I am ready and willing to make the necessary changes not due to the need to have a man in my life.  It is based upon the knowledge that  it feels like the right movement toward a path we can walk together. 

Time will tell, and hopefully our desire to be together will transcend concerns in a healthy matter.  Right now, the only thing I can do is say my prayers for us to be able to move forward, set goals, meet those goals, and be together.  Right now, I can only offer my support, be who I am, and continue to make strides for us to be together.

Be still, my heart

Be still, my heart

For this too shall pass

And all the hurts of today will only be 

A distant memory in the future

The tears that fall are only for the amount of love

We were able to give

The bruises will soon be gone, scars will heal

Allowing newness to once again enter in.

Be still, my heart

For this too shall pass

We've been down this road before

Always able to come out the other end

Our head may be weary

Our hands may ache for his touch

But in the end if he wasn't the best for us

Then why would we want to hold on again

Be still, my heart

For this too shall pass

This is only a slight detour

Where lessons were learned, joys were shared

Memories will always remain within your hallways

To be recalled once the pain has subsided again.

One day we will laugh again

One day we will love again.

Be still, my heart

For this too shall pass

Because as we have learned before

Nothing lasts forever

It is now time to pack up our bags, 

Say our goodbyes

Start to move onto the new horizon

And once again start over.

Jar of Hearts

"Jar of Hearts" by Christin Perri

                                                        
We have all probably met those people in our lives that touch us in such a specific way, we never forget them.  Those people that taught us something we never knew about ourselves, or the world around us.  And 9 times out of 10, this is for the better...but as we have all met those people who have caused significant change for the betterment of our lives, it is that 1 out of 10 that caused scars upon our hearts.

Through no fault of anyone, this happens every day.  As much as we try to not have it happen, damage occurs and we are left feeling dazed and confused by the entire situation.  And most the time, this occurs within a relationship that started off so wonderfully, only to end so terribly.

For those who believe it is better to close your heart, never let anyone truly in, it is a very sad occurrence when you come across someone who is not only willing to love you, but also willing to accept you as you are.  For those who feel love is a game, or that those of the opposite sex are nothing more than pawns within your chess game of life, hopefully life will treat you kindly without restitution knocking on your door when you least expect.  Having someone in your life is not always a form of co-dependency, and hurting others will only serve for temporary gain, and never long-term satisfaction.

It would be nice if we could wear signs somewhere upon our bodies to describe who we are.  "Kind but shy," "Extroverted and seeking attention," "Warning - I will break your heart in two before we ever even say our first hello."  Life would be so much easier if we didn't have to find out the hard way if someone was going to hurt us.  But, how would we ever learn?  How would we be able to decipher between the great, the good, the so-so, and the terrible?  And how would we ever be able to learn from these people in such a way that creates a change in our world for better, and learn how to mend our hearts once broken?  For those who feel they have been taken advantage of, or abandoned,or mistreated - have hope, and don't give up on yourself. Find who you are, learn more about yourself and what your needs are.  This is the only way to avoid another "mistake" in the future because you will be able to see from a long distance the person standing in front of you is genuine or just another flake.

It seems there is always going to be that nice person who is deceived by the other who doesn't really care.  There is also always going to be that nice person who happens upon another nice person, and they fit together, like puzzle pieces or matched socks.  I happen to believe in the latter.

I was once asked if I thought there was someone out there for me?  Or if I thought I was destined to be alone for the rest of my journey on this planet.  I quickly told this person I did believe there was someone out there, able to handle me on my worst days, and cherish me on my best.  Someone who would recognize I am not perfect, but still love me for my imperfections; someone who accepted me as I was, and allowed me to change by my needs and not by theirs.  My heart has been bruised, battered, torn, and abandoned enough times to learn how to appreciate when I feel I am appreciated, loved, and cared for.  And for each bruise upon my heart, I have learned to not allow myself to dwell on the pain.  There is only so much I can take before I become sick of my own self-pity and need a change of pace.  For each tear, I have learned how to sew the tear, find a way to open another path to my heart, and allow someone new into my heart without punishing them for the past mistakes made by others.  I refuse to allow my heart to become shrunken by defeat or the actions of others.  I refuse to allow my heart to lie within a jar upon someone else's trophy shelf of relationships.

It's not much, but it's all I have

Giving your heart to someone else is risky business. There is the fear your heart may be broken, or that the feeling may not be returned.  There is the unknown factor that always accompanies the thought of allowing another into your heart, as well.  Will they be there for you in time of happiness when you want to tell them great news?  Will they be there, holding your hand, after a rough day, or even more - will they remain by your side when you feel everyone else has left?

When we give our hearts to another person, we want them to accept it, and us, with open arms. Our thought process changes from 'I' to 'we'.  We want to be seen as a cherished, precious gift in their lives because this is how we view them within our lives.  And for all the moments we had before knowing them, and before giving our hearts where we wondered if we would find someone, new moments enter where we share giggles, glances, minutes and hours attempting to ensure we make the other person happy.  It is not about the individual any longer.  It is now about working together as a team.

Giving your heart to someone is not the act of relinquishing our own personal identities, but growing into a new reality where math solutions are irrational of 1+1=1.

When we give our hearts to another, we realize the safety once felt in only relying upon ourselves must be adjusted.  We must allow the other person into the secret hallways of our thoughts, once only reserved for private thoughts.  In giving our hearts to another, we must remember that sharing our dreams, our hopes, and our desires is just as important as allowing the other person to also see our fears, our insecurities, and our needs.  It is in the action of admitting you sometimes need help that creates a stronger union, not the ability to maintain and take care of business all on your own.  If that were the case, what is the other person there for?  

Why allow someone into the foyer, the doorway of your heart, but not allow them into the actual home to wander around the hallways, the different rooms, and sometimes help when repair may be needed?

I have been fortunate enough to feel both sides of a person's heart.  Moments where I was excluded from his heart because he could take care of things on his own, and didn't want my help.  While the latter always reminded me he was able to do things on his own, as a stubborn 2 year old may attempt to struggle doing things on his own to show they are growing up, the relationship was never truly able to progress.  Focus was more on the individual rather than the couple.  Moments where his fears are shared, true emotion was shown, and a stronger union was formed.  These examples are from 2 separate people, and 2 separate scenarios, different relationships,and different stages of a relationship. But none-the-less, the intent remains the same where one person allowed me in, and the other continuously forced me out.  

I don't have much.  I am not the prettiest girl in the world.  I am also not the thinnest, the funniest, the smartest, the bravest, or the most compassionate.  I don't have a pocketbook filled with money, and will probably always have the need to work in order to pay my bills.  But when my heart is given to someone else, it is from a place of not only sentiment, but also in genuine effort to support the other person as best I can, ensure they know I am there for them, and help them accomplish their goals, their desires, and their dreams as I would hope they would do in return for me.  When my heart is given, it is not at a whim, but rather in sincerity.  In this, I don't have to be all those things I listed that I may not be.  I only have to be me.  I only have to be who I am, the person he also chose to give his heart to.

The moments that change you forever

It is funny the things you remember when someone you loved passes.  You remember trivial moments, the way they smelled, their sense of humor.  As more time passes, you eventually forget the sound of their voice unless having their presence in your dreams.  Mostly, you remember the loss, and you remember the love.

I remember the first time I lost someone to death.  I was four years old, and it was my grandfather. I remember the months and days that led to his eventual passing.  I remember the struggles he faced after losing his leg, the attempts to walk again after his surgeries, and the times my grandmother, Ladybug, and I would visit him.  I was allowed to have orange soda - a rare treat for me.  We rarely had soda growing up.  I can remember very clearly the process of shopping for a dress for his funeral, and while I cannot tell you what the dress looked like, I can tell you I remember the slip my aunt bought me - it was a Holly Hobby slip that I still have today mixed in with the other baby clothes I once wore and my mother kept.

I can remember his voice, the way he would treat me like his little princess, the visits to his house, the last Christmases before he passed away.  What I cannot remember is going to his funeral, saying goodbye as a four year old would or could.  Years later I asked my Aunt Lorraine if my brother Richie and I had even attended.  I remembered the events surrounding that moment, but thought maybe we didn't participate in all events.  "Don't you remember what you did?  You and Richie walked down to his casket, and as you looked at him you told Richie to be quiet - Grandpa was sleeping."

Upon hearing this, I was relieved to know I was there.  I loved my grandfather, and after his death our lives were forever changed.  Around the time he passed away, my father had undergone a surgery, we moved into  an apartment - the only apartment my family lived in growing up.  My mother was pregnant, very ill during the pregnancy, and my grandmother moved in with us for a short while.  My mother eventually lost the baby due to miscarriage.  We moved to another state after my grandfather's passing, from Colorado to Kansas.  My grandparents home was sold and my grandmother went to live in Houston with my Aunt GG.  There was so much change in my world, that losing my grandfather was only part of this time.  The moments after my grandfather has passed are endless.  While he was in his 60's when passing, he has missed the 50th wedding anniversary he would have shared with my grandmother.  He missed spending time with my other brothers, Robbie (named after my grandfather), and Ray.  He missed spending time with 2 of my cousins born after he passed. He missed seeing a total of 7 great grandchildren enter this world.  I am not sure if it is that he missed these events, or that I missed having him at these events. Either way, the moment he passed away changed my family forever.

The next time I experienced death first hand, and not by proxy of it being someone else's family or friend, was on June 9, 1992.  I was 16, just finished with my sophomore year of high school.  Summer break had began a few weeks before. The last few weeks of school are always filled with trying to complete all necessary work for your courses, spending time with friends who may not be around for the summer, finding a summer job, and making sure everyone has signed your yearbook.  It is not filled with "what if" because you are so young, and ignorant to difficulties such as losing a friend.  You think you will live forever, or that death only happens to those who are older...much older.  I never imagined that the kid I had a crush on at times, who would use my locker as storage for his skateboard, that I would walk across the block to see would be gone before his life really ever began.  My friend Steve was 16.  He was hit while skateboarding at night by someone else, and died from his injuries.

News of Steve's death traveled fast.  After all, we lived in a town of about 12,000 people.  We had gone to junior high together, and 2 years of high school.  He was the kind of guy who was quiet, but also a prankster.  He had a great love and wonderment that surrounded his skateboard.  He was funny, had a head of thick curly hair, and shaved it into a mohawk at one point.  While at my house one day he heard my mother call me by my full name - Ruthe Anne Lane.  From that day forward he would call me that name whenever seeing me.  He was the only person I allowed to do this for the next 16 years, and even then when hearing someone else call me by that the air was always filled with a strange remembrance, unbeknown to those around me.  And then he was gone.

This moment when Steve passed changed me again, forever.  Never again would I take life for granted.  Never again would I view myself as indestructible.  Of course, I had known this all along given medical issues I had experienced while in 8th grade.  But it is different once someone you are used to seeing every day is suddenly gone...never to return...never to see again.  In the years that have come and gone since this, I have had moments where I believe I see Steve.  Seeing someone about his age skateboarding on a sidewalk is usually when the other worldly moment occurs. 

There have been other friends that have passed.  My friend Dustin passed during my senior year of high school.  Dustin and I dated for a brief blip.  We were friends, but at the end of his life the friendship was strained.  He was getting his life together when he was killed in a car accident on March 22, 1994.  Whenever hearing 4 Non Blondes sing "What's goin on" I literally stop in my tracks, listen to the song, and think of him belting this song out at the top of his lungs.  But, I will write more about him in another post.

In the end, those that touch our lives change us forever.  We are never the same due to knowing them.  While we may not believe the power we have in others lives, we should always remember to treat each other as if we will not have another day to share - treat each other with love, respect, and happiness.  Those that touch our lives will always remain with us.  It is in remembering them their spirit remains with us.  It is in remembering them that we allow ourselves to always search out and do better, perform at a higher level, and love on a deeper plain.  These are the moments that change your life forever, and should never be cast away.

Amazing grace

In my life, I have had to offer grace to others during the most difficult of times. Grace, forgiveness, the ability to turn the other cheek...I have done all those things in the "70 x 7" manner.

There have been days where I longed for grace to be returned to me; some sort of karmic exercise that the world has remembered my kind acts, and therefore pardons me if I lack some sort of judgement. It has been through grace I know I am where I am today. It is by grace I can walk through difficulties and believe I will be able to survive.

What is grace, really, other than the willingness to love others in spite of their shortcomings. As a mother, your child will test your patience, will power, love, and wisdom. Yet at the end of each day I cannot imagine a world without my children. I love them for their idiosyncrasies rather than by them being perfect. Their imperfections become perfect reflections due to love. The sleepless nights, teething, moments of random crying and diaper changes are long gone, but the need to offer my love is stronger than ever before. The need to show and demonstrate my grace is at an ever increasing need.

Much is the same for others I love, or I have loved. When I think to all the times I have offered someone grace at the moment it was not only inconvenient, but broke my heart, I would be a very wealthy woman. The moments of disappointment, overshadowing, feeling less than if feeling like I was forgotten all forgotten in the end due to grace.

In loving someone, you discover what it is to wish their happiness over yours, their comfort and strength over yours. You realize you would do anything to see a smile, to hear a laugh, to feel their touch. It is in loving someone else, demonstrating these attributes, that you learn to release, let go, and give your all. When you are able to do this, it may not always be returned. But given the right moments, the right person, and the right time - you are doing this together. Amazing grace, to overlook someone's flaws and love them anyway. Amazing grace, to know the flaws are there, but still believe the good overshadows the bad.