Incorrect information

Information.  Our world literally revolves around the need for information.  Throughout our day we are constantly introduced to information, whether that be fact, fiction, gossip, or hear-say.  Information is represented and presented to us in many methods.  At any given moment we can access a television, radio, internet, newspapers, magazines, or just listen to those in the same room as us for some sort information.  Regardless of it's source, most of what we hear can be considered gossip or hear-say unless we hear this directly from the person it is directly related to.  Even then, you must take into account the need to assess levels of emotion and that person's reality for the clarity of truth.

It amazes me the lack of character some individuals have today in regard to fact verses fiction, truth verses gossip.  There are those who simply don't involve themselves in the need or desire to hear about others lives, busy with their own.  There are others who seem to thrive in knowing about others, and are sadly unashamed to share this with others, regardless of how it may affect the person they are talking about.

Take, for example, a person who listens and advises others who are going through a difficult time.  This person, in turn, tells others about the misfortunes, and doesn't stop to think that maybe, just maybe, it would be hurtful if the person who sought advise ever found out.  And it isn't really a matter of 'if' but 'when'.  That level of betrayal, the level of trust that is destroyed may take a lifetime to restore, if it can ever truly be restored in the end.  And when excuses are offered, such as "I don't want to get involved, though" when spilling the secrets of others, don't you think maybe you already have become involved by telling others?  The fact you are sharing intimate details about someone else should be reason enough to stop.  Saying you don't want to get involved is not a way to absolve yourself from betraying someone's trust.  If anything, when saying those words you should take stock as to why you are saying it in the first place.

Take, for example, someone who thinks they know everything.  They believe whatever they say is correct, and everyone should believe them.  Yet, they do not check their facts.  Something as simple as how long a business has been in operation or where someone was born should not be a source of issue.  But when you incorrectly state this information to others, then offer a "Whatever" when asked, don't you think it may eventually lead to others not being able to rely on you, or take your word?  It is one thing to share your opinion; quite another to spread incorrect information on a regular basis.

I am not completely innocent of this.  I have been on both sides of the imaginary line in the sand.  There have been times where I have shared something with another person that could have been hurtful.  There have been times when I have misstated something, later having to recant my statement and apologize.  This is not a post about how angelic I am, while those around me are simply not as wonderful as I am...I am not angelic, and will never claim to be.  But that may be the difference between those who willingly share information about others, to others, verses those who can keep quiet about the pain someone else is going through.  Having been on both sides, I can understand how hurtful it is when you feel betrayed.  In keeping with that remembrance, I do try to not enter into gossip willingly.  If information is shared, I usually keep the information to myself, and try to just forget.  I have learned the hard way that information relayed by others is typically not the truth, rarely fact, and mostly gossip.

The information we hear should always be taken with a grain of salt.  Especially when someone decides to start a sentence with "Did you hear...," "I don't want to get involved, but...," or "I'm not supposed to say anything but..."  Because if those individuals are so willing to share someone else's developments with you, what makes you think they won't be as willing to share your own developments with others...

If we are the body

I am a white female, blending into the proverbial room nicely - I don't stick out like a sore thumb, and I am also not going to necessarily shine like a star.  I prefer it this way.  

As a female I have experienced some difficulties based on the gender I was born. Not as many as generations before me, however.  At the end of the day, I am someone who has had very little issue with fitting in, I think from time to time everyone feels this in some way or another. But not the difficulties other friends have experienced by being gay, being darker in skin tone. 

I am a Christian, and highly spiritual, but have friends who are Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist...as a Christian living in the United States, I have had very little ridicule based on my faith.  If I was born somewhere else, that may be different.  I don't feel the need to apologize for my political or religious beliefs, holding them closely to my heart.  I welcome others to discuss their faith and political ideals if they are, in turn, willing to actively listen to my sentiments.  We may not agree, but it is the sharing that I find important.  We may come from different thought patterns or ideals, but it is learning how and why someone feels the way they do you are truly able to respect those thoughts.

I am not gay.  I have never held an attraction to someone of the same sex, nor have I ever entertained the idea of having a relationship with someone of the same sex.  That is not how I was born. From a very early age I remember having crushes on boys - heck, I still remember the name of my crush in Kindergarten through 2nd grade.  Paxton.  He had dark hair, was a nice boy, and I always wanted to sit next to him if we had small group circles where we sat next to people. I do, however, have openly gay friends and family members. It hurts my heart to see some of the struggles they go through based on their heart.  Discussions at length have occurred with some of them.  Some of my friends have struggled for years with emotions and feelings they tried to suppress from those closest to them for fear of rejection.  Some have struggled with that end result of rejection from those who once called themselves friends.  And maybe the worst is when you are rejected from your family, those who you are bound to by blood and birth.  Over time, feelings may change.  Over time, reactions that once were the source of pain may be calmed.  

Here are my thoughts, and while some may not agree with me, and that is fine.  My thoughts come from a place that is genuine in love for my family and friends who have a difficult time with the reaction of others.

Putting yourself into someone else's shoes is often very difficult, and not as easy a task as we would assume.  I am far from perfect, and will never say that I am perfect.  I would rather have myself surrounded by loving, supporting, caring individuals.  Some times this will include those who share different opinion than mine, different backgrounds, experiences, ideals than those I hold for myself. 

As a Christian, I believe we are to love everyone.  Loving someone is not an emotion - it is a choice.  It eventually develops into what we associate with emotion, but in the end, we all have a choice to love someone.  As a Christian, I believe my loving others is not segregated by differences of ethnicity, religion, education, color of skin, height, weight, political views, or sexual orientation. I will not always get along with everyone I meet; that is the nature of being human.  But I do have the ability to respect all those I meet, and just as loving someone is a choice, so is respecting others.  

We are taught in church to accept others, yet sit and pass judgement as we look around at the congregation.  While we may not be doing this purposely, it still settles into our hearts, into our minds, and carries over into our daily lives.  If Christ was able to accept all who came to him, both while on earth and in today's age, why do we feel we are so much mightier to judge others?  As if our lives are so much more valuable than another person's life? In speaking from the heart, I feel no need to judge another person based on their skin color, religion, sexual preference. 

We are taught from the Bible that Jesus walked this Earth, befriending those who were seen as less than desirable.  He befriended those that were seen as having value as well.  His love didn't stop based on someone's physical health, or their choices made in life.  He showed the highest example by knowing how to love others not based on what the world knows them as, but as His Father saw them - a beautiful soul created in His image.  There are no accidents when it comes to His love for us; He does not withhold His grace from us based on attributes mentioned above. The Lord accepts us as we are, where we are, for who we are.  Jesus accepted others in the same manner, showing us an example of the highest quality of love.  Why are we unable to do the same thing?  At the end of the day, I do not want to have the role of judge for the world when I sometimes cannot even manage my own life effectively.  I believe that role should only be held by Heavenly Father.  It is not my job to pass judgement upon someone else.

If we hold the belief that we are all God's children, we need to start practicing what we preach.  We need to accept others, regardless of how they may appear when walking through our church doors. We need to look beyond skin tone, sexual preference, and religious belief and truly love others as If we are the body of Christ, we need to actively love others regardless of previous 'sins' committed.  If we are all followers of Christ, we need to see the beautiful spirit others have, and remember we are all beautiful in the eyes of Christ.  We are never to assume authority or supremacy above others simply because they are different.

We are all unique.  We are all special in one form or another.  There is not another person out there, wandering through their lives, experiencing the exact same situations, thoughts, and emotions as I am.  We will all make mistakes in our lives, we will all follow a path based on our desires, our experiences.  Others will make decisions we do not like, hurt others for unknown reasons.  People will make decisions that make us feel proud to know them, hopefully feeling blessed in their joys.  

In the end, we are all created in His image, created to love Him, and created to learn while we are here on His Earth. 

Oh, to dream!

You know those people...the ones who seem to define the word 'selfish' - those that seem to live just for the sake of making another life miserable...and if you have to question if you are one of those people, chances are - YOU ARE.

Douchebag - a word describing someone who treats others disrespectfully.  A word for someone who has no real explanation for treating others that way, but simply does it because he or she can.  A word for someone who will sell you up river given the chance, then watch you suffer as they sit idly by.  A person who does not feel they are doing anything wrong in their actions, even though your heart my be forever shattered or broken in certain areas, never to be repaired.

Funny thing, those people.  They always seem to be ahead of everyone else.  They never quite grasp the level to which they sink when performing such douche-onic behavior.  Their actions are not incomprehensible to those around them.  They seem to walk in this haze otherwise known as their magical bubble world of "Nope, I didn't do it..." or "Well, you are the one who..." rather than just own up to the mistake they may have made, apologize, and move forward.

The other funny thing?  We are all capable of doing this.  We are all, at times, insensitive toward others, and how they may feel.  We are all, at times, guilty of hurting someone.  But the difference between the douchebag and the non-douchebag - the douchebag will perform at a higher level, masterfully creating, spinning, weaving, and dodging.  That is how they operate, and how they are so successful at the game. 

I wish I could pass this award of Honorary Douche Bag of the Week to some people.  I can think of several people off the top of my head to start off with - the former boyfriend who cheated on me with a supposed 'friend', the supposed 'friend' who cheated with my boyfriend.  The person who cut me off in traffic when there was no need to.  The person who wrote something raunchy on my Facebook page where my children and mother can see things.  I wish I could let those people know how their actions may devastate others, hurt others, create a difference in someone else's life that is not for the better.  Until that time, I can silently disperse this award...silently smile as I distribute this dishonorable award, and pray someday they are reformed.

When do words we use become meaningless

I have focused much on words for the past few years...whether this be in acquiring new linguistic talents, or the words I use while speaking with others.  It occurred to me there are many times I have been disappointed by the words of another person.  It could be the intention of the words but lack of follow through that left me dismayed.  Or feeling I was important through what was said, only to realize I was 'a dime a dozen' based on the same sentiment being used toward many, and I was just a number in the end.  It is my hope this year to convey my words in a constructive manner.  The use of my words should be intentional, but also from the heart rather than forced.

There are many words I may use to emote how I am feeling, what I am feeling, or how I may see things.  For some, I may use certain nicknames that are strictly reserved for them.  For others, it may be a saying, a quote, a word that conveys a previous moment in time that we only know the origins.

But it is the words I may share with those I love that should never be shared with others.  And maybe this is not recognized by others, but to me, I don't appreciate these words, nicknames, and/or symbols being used for the general public.

I don't walk around calling everyone 'hun' like Flo from Mel's Diner.  First off, I cannot stand that term 'hun', and see it as more of a derogatory term due to every jerk-wad male who thinks he owns the world, and all those in it.  Coming from an older woman, the term 'hun' may mean a sign of affection, or that she sees me as young, and therefore someone she can talk to as if I was her child...no thank you.  I don't call people by terms of endearment unless I feel that comfortable with them that I know they will see my intention that this is, in fact, reserved for them alone.  I call my guy 'babe'...I don't go around calling other people that; it is reserved for him (and maybe the off chance I call my kids that).  I would never want this nickname to be used in such a general way that when he hears it, it no longer makes him feel special...Same thing with symbols...I may use the smiley symbol of :) with friends, but the symbol of ;-) is used only for the person I am dating.  It is a sign of affection to me.

The words we use toward others, for others, about others can be a source of inspiration, or a source of contention.  I would rather have my words, and my actions, be a source of intentional, purposeful, meaningful source for those I love, and those I know, rather than feeling they are being assaulted when I open my mouth. We only have a short time here on earth with those we love in the grand retrospect of the grandeur of space, time, and history.  I would rather have my words be used to uplift someone, help someone, offer courage when needed than have mindless dribble.

What would Martin think?

This week marks important milestones in our country's history.  On January 20th we will have reached 50 years since John F. Kennedy was sworn in as our nation's president.  It marks the 82nd birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr., and the 25th year we have recognized his efforts for civil rights.  And it marks yet another year that I can't help but wonder - what would they think if they had lived to see 2011?  Would they be proud of the foundations laid while they toiled in their own tumultuous time? Would they have advise for the youth of our today, as they had for the youth of their day?  And those youth of yesteryear - are they better for the circumstances they witnessed?  Will our youth remember the works by those in the past to make their future easier?

I was born in 1976 - the Bicentennial for our nation.  I was born into a family with two parents, still married, in Durango, Colorado.  My skin color is white; I am so pale white I have been jokingly called clear.  I have never felt what it was like to have someone hate me based on this fact simply because the culture and environment I grew up in didn't support such behavior. I am sure there were outside forces that may have created drama elsewhere, but in my bubble I was unaware someone being darker than me was somehow reason to treat them differently.  I was unaware that prejudice was an actual issue due to my parents who raised me.  I didn't witness tragedy of hatred first hand.  My only glimpse at such evil is really through entertainment by movies, news footage from a different era, and others who have shared their own experiences.  In my life, Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream was my reality.  But, at the same time, I am not so ignorant to the issues that others have experienced in the past, or those that are still occurring today.  Just because I didn't have this issue pressing upon me does not mean I do not recognize the issues we still face today. 

In the time period of when this man was at the forefront of social issues, Barack Obama would have never had the opportunity to become president of their United States.  In the time period of when this man was at the center of civil injustice, another man such as Thurgood Marshall would have never been appointed to a Federal Supreme Court Justice position.  A man such as Colin Powell would have never held Secretary of State for our nation during their time.  There are countless other examples that can be rattled off, but the fact of the matter is these men were able to know the Declaration of Independence options of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness without the work, the life, and subsequent death of Martin Luther King, Jr and others of his time.

This man was men of action, men of understanding, men of power, and men of great controversy.  Martin Luther King, Jr. was a man who saw an injustice, attacked that injustice, and hopefully would have been proud to see the strides we as a nation have made.  I am sure there would have been much more work for this man and others who were not blessed with seeing the harvest of their own seeds planted into the lives of millions while alive. 

While we live in a nation where we recognize others as our equals in theory, there are still areas that do not recognize this in practice.  It is one thing to say "All men are created equal" but quite a different manner to believe this, follow this, and do this on a day to day basis. In order to pursue this dream of those before us, we must continue the work daily.

It is not enough to say everyone is equal.  It is teaching our own children of indifference, and the need to continue moving forward.  It is our own actions against others that display and teach volumes to them.  Charity starts at home, just as acceptance, love for others, and the ability to see the dream continue.  Without this, their work will have been in vain.  Without this, we are nothing more than an attribute we were born with, and none of us can change.

What would Martin think today?  I would hope he would see a nation in a better place due to his work.  I would hope he would recognize those who stood beside him as necessary to the fight he waged, and I would hope he would see a nation filled with youth ready to do better things than that of previous youth.

August 28, 1963

The March on Washington

Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I have a dream"

The Universe and Stars were lying to someone

Today it was announced that there was a 13th astrological sign that should be used, called Ophiuchus.  For those born between November 29 - December 17, this has completely altered what they believed they were all along, a Sagittarius.

My sign, Pisces, has remained the same.  I was a Pisces when I went to sleep before I knew of this whole attempt to create universal mishaps, and is the same after finding out about the 13th dimension to the stars. If nothing else, I am known for my loyalty and holding onto things - I guess the universe had me pegged from the start.

However, this alters others and what signs the believed they had been.  And my biggest question is - were the Universe and Stars lying to all those who now are a new sign?  For how many years were people thinking "Oh, I am stubborn because I am an Aries!" only to find out now they are not an Aries, but a Pisces?  And for all the times we have referenced those silly compatibility charts for your sign verses someone else's sign for the game of love - am I now to believe what I previously read that fit to a perfect "T" is now all falsehoods, and I need to read about another sign?  Or, for those with a new sign now needing to know who they really are in astrological terms.  It must feel like being Alice in Wonderland, chasing after the White Rabbit and meeting the Mad Hatter along the way. I can not imagine what that must be like...

...of course, I am joking.  

In my own life, the astrological signs have been used for slight inspiration, but my life is not guided by what I read.  I don't feel that because one source will say "Tonight you will have an interesting conversation with an attractive person" that it will actually happen.  But for those in the world who follow these signs, I am sure they are devastated.  For those who's signs have changed, they now learn they have been reading the wrong message their entire lives?  Is there some sort of universal recourse for this?  Is there an injury lawyer ready to take this case if they choose to sue? 

For those that read charts for others, or believe in their abilities to read the future based on when someone was born, what does this say about their abilities.  Are those abilities diminished by these new play-guides we are now forced to follow?  If they could read the future, how come they were not privy to this new enlightenment?  Does the universe and the stars pick and choose who is privy to such important news?  What's next?  Are we going to learn that Pluto is no longer a planet within our solar system?  Oh, wait...it was determined Pluto is not a planet anymore...

Man, my universe is now in complete upheaval with this news!

20 years from now, it will not seem strange that a new sign was introduced, causing upheaval within the universe for many.  20 years from now it will be part of life, and all the fuss will be forgotten, or seem like it was a big waste of time. For those who have now learned they were mislead their entire lives, I sincerely apologize.  For those who are not sure what to do - get a life.  For those who don't know if they have a new sign or not, good for you!  This obviously mean you are more well-rounded than me, and were not in the least interested in these changes.  I applaud you for that...really I do. You demonstrate a higher level of intelligence than the rest of the humans on this planet. But if you ever become curious of your new status within the stars, the new chart and symbols are below for you to refer to.

Capricorn - Jan 20 to Feb 16
Aquarius - Feb 16 to Mar 11
Pisces - Mar 11 to Apr 18
Aries - Apr 18 to May 13
Taurus - May 13 to Jun 21
Gemini - Jun 21 to Jul 20
Cancer - Jul 20 to Aug 10
Leo - Aug 10 to Sep 16
Virgo - Sep 16 to Oct 30
Libra - Oct 30 to Nov 23
Scorpius - Nov 23 to Nov 29
Ophiuchus - Nov 29 to Dec 17
Sagittarius - Dec 17 to Jan 20

Courage

Much to my chagrin I watched the memorial service tonight for the shooting victims in Tucson.  I don't want to sound heartless, or uncaring.  There is only so much I can mentally and emotionally take when watching events such as this unravel in front of me on the television. While I want to know about the events, I want to be informed, I want to understand what has happened, it comes to a point where I become so engrossed in this information I am overwhelmed.  It is not for lack of caring that I did not want to watch, but rather the deepness in which these events touch me that for my own sanity I choose to not watch.

There are few things in life that create this feeling. But those moments in the past where news such as this has emotionally altered me remain with me today.  Those moments where I remember where I was, what I was doing, what I was thinking when every second of that moment occurred. These moments are to my generation what the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. were.  They are forever the moments that changed us in some way, big or small, and altered our world as we knew it.  Where once it felt safe to perform certain acts, it is now no longer part of our normal thinking patterns, habits, or culture.  These moments are those that evoke images immediately upon hearing a keyword or phrase.  These are the moments we share with generations to come to remember, to honor, to make memorial of.  This is what courage is made of - to remember the past, not dwell in the present, and honor in the future.  And while some of these moments do not necessarily follow suite with typical courage, they fell into the same category of moments I will remember forever.  These are days that rank with other important moments like the days my children were born, the day I got married, the day I got divorced.

January 28, 1986:
I was in 4th grade, listening to my teacher talk about English rules...when to use certain nouns, verbs, etc...Some of my classmates were part of the gifted program, and were out of the classroom watching the lift off for the Challenger.  It was a special launch due to having a teacher aboard...For weeks before hand, teacher Christa McAuliffe had been on the news, preparing for the launch. She was interviewed, shown with her students, fellow teachers, her husband, her children as they wished her a safe trip. My teacher had talked about how important it was that a teacher would be able to see space, would be able to learn new things...and I remember thinking it was really not fair to have only certain kids watch just because they were in a "gifted" program.  That feeling quickly passed when Ryan, this blonde-haired Alex Keaton wanna-be comes running into our room, telling us "The shuttle blew up."  How could that be?  How could something as big, as important as a space shuttle simply blow up?  In the moments that followed, an announcement come over the speakers regarding the shuttle, since the kids in my class were part of the "gifted" program that was using a television, they pushed the TV cart into our classroom to watch the news.  The image of the shuttle transforming from lift-off to a puff of smoke in the air, breaking apart into this shape that formed a backward  "Y" was devastating.  When I got home my mom was watching the news with the same images being shown over and over.  For days, those images and the faces of not only Mrs. McAuliffe, but also the other astronauts, became ingrained into my memory.  To this day, each time I witness a shuttle take-off on television I think to that day, and the gifted kid Ryan running into our classroom.

January 16, 1991:
The day started off as any other day.  I was a freshman in high school, and my best friend Michelle turned 15.  We went to school, and knew that there was some stressful issues going on somewhere else in the world, but that was it...we were young, didn't really want to watch the news, and lived in a small town that shielded us from the outside world for the most part like a bubble.  That all changed later on that day when it was announced we would be invading a country called Iraq.  Suddenly, I knew more about this country and their government than I cared to know.  The days that followed were filled with nothing but CNN on the television, and my parents severe looks from stress.  Not long after this news broke, the local National Guard in Payson was called to active duty.  Among those in this troop was the principal at my brothers' elementary school, my high school German teacher, guys who graduated less than one year before.  Suddenly this war seemed more real, tangible, and very close to home.  The entire high school walked to the Wal-Mart where the troop was decked out in military fatigue and trucks ready to leave.  After saying goodbye the town kept up with how the guys were doing through interviews with our local newspaper, and occasional calls from overseas.  News told of stories from the battle lines, and of the dictator we were trying to rid the country of.  Images of bombs going off in the background, or of the huge oil fires were a regular sight.  When our local troop came back, they were different.  My German teacher still maintained his jovial presence, but was obviously not the same.  The guys who were just a few years older than me seemed to carry sadness with them when you saw them.  And I remembered thinking if something like that could come so close to home, what would happen the next time something like this occurred?

Summer, 1997:
The summer of 1997 was difficult. I was 21, newly married, at home, on bed rest while pregnant with Emberleigh, and feeling like what I was living was not the life I had signed up for. There were issues between Jared and I.  He was not coming home on the weekends, and was not being as supportive as I needed him to be. Carrying Emberleigh was a tough pregnancy from day one it seemed, with physical and medical issues.  I had morning sickness ALL day long, and had to leave my job due to this.  It was discovered I had placenta previa in late April which meant I was pretty much not supposed to do anything for fear of losing the baby...the days were filled with me sitting on the sofa, attempting to stay sane since that is all I was allowed to do.  I spent most of my day getting to know my favorite soap operas, watching old sitcom reruns, and talk shows.  Lots and lots of daytime television...too much daytime television.  So, when the events that occurred, I was home, with nothing to do but watch it all unfold.
July 15, 1997 was my brother Ray, and best friend Stephanie's birthday.  I woke up on this particular day to see news from Miami that Gianni Versace had been killed in front of his home.  The person who killed him later committed suicide the same day.  Versace, a clothing designer, was known for his beautiful clothing that made women look and feel amazing. Video of the funeral showed his family completely devastated,  and notable figures in our pop-culture world such as Elton John and Princess Diana sat side by side as their friend was laid to rest.
July 16, 1997 was the actual date for the plane crash that killed John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, and sister-in-law, but it wasn't until late that evening that the world (meaning, me) was aware of the event.  Growing up, my father was a huge JFK collector.  We knew who he was, even though he had been killed many years before we were born.  Due to who JFK was, the media always kept tabs on his wife and children.  JFK Jr. was a big deal - so handsome, so smart, so intriguing to me.  He was every where.  We all knew where he worked out in NYC, saw pictures of who he was dating and later married, knew about their fights in Central Park.  He was mentioned on television shows, radio, owned a magazine.  He was a speaker at Democratic conventions.  It was probably hoped that he would continue his father and uncles legacies by running for some sort of political office.  But all that changed when the plane he was flying went down.  Media showed images of his childhood, his father, his mother, sister, and other family members over and over during this time.  As if we couldn't get enough, the media spun this story in every which direction with tidbits of gossip mixed with fact, as our media often does.
August 31, 1997 was filled with the mixed emotions of a girl who still wanted to believe in the fairy tale of happily ever after, and the adult who knew that was not always how the story book ending happened in real life.  I loved Princess Diana.  In saying that term "love", maybe I should qualify this as I admired her greatly.  I loved her desire to be a good mother, her innate sense of fashion, her grace under pressure, and will to make the world a better and safer place for others.  Seeing security camera footage taken shortly before of her wearing a pair of white slacks with a black jacket, perfect blonde hair shown over and over on the television.  Images of the car she was traveling in, mangled in a tunnel, and the curiosity of the cameras following her with little respect for the end result - only the need to capture an image of this woman, was horrifying.  For years I had watched this woman on television, her "perfect" image and ultimate demise were more than I was willing to understand.  I stayed up all night, watching the footage on television, waiting to hear that it was a mistake.

September 11, 2001:  The day started with my getting Emberleigh ready for her preschool bus ride.  We got up, got dressed, and while in the process of making breakfast I had the television on.  Normally our TV would have Sesame Street or Blue's Clues on for the kids to be entertained until I was able to get their food.  But this morning was different for whatever reason.  The channel was set to NBC, and The Today Show.  Matt Lauer and Katy Couric were sitting there, stunned faces, telling of a plane crash that had occurred in New York City at one of the World Trade Center buildings.  But, there was confusion.  There was another crash that occurred at the other WTC buildings shortly after the first.  And then, a third crash in DC, and a fourth in Pennsylvania.  For one of the first times in my life, I witnessed news like this, unfolding before my eyes, and the news not able to comment on what was happening, because they had no idea.  It went from bad, to worse, to unbelievable.  I remember putting Emi on the school bus, and going into the bedroom to wake my ex-husband to tell him something was terribly wrong.  At first, you thought it was just plane crashes.  You didn't realize how horrible everything was until everything was said and done.  And the rebroadcasts of the WTC plane footage, coupled with the images of those trapped, and some plunging from the windows to escape whatever fate they had inside the buildings was horrifying.  For days, skies were silenced of planes flying overhead.  Where once we used to see several planes an hour due to where we lived, the skies were only decorated with birds flying above.  News showed the images over and over, repeating as if to determine why or how it could happen.  Fear became an action, and not just an emotion.  Heroism became the norm and cowards were not seen in the City.  Suddenly, we returned to a time when fire fighters and police were resting very highly on the pedestal instead of actors, entertainers, and sports players.  In our world now we will never know what it is like to see someone off at the airport, at their gate.  Security lines are the norm, and the skyline of New York City will forever be missing beacons among the other structures.  Our nation's central nervous system for defense will also be remembered for the attack, and a small field in Pennsylvania will be remembered as a memorial site rather than just open land.

Pet peeves

So, we all have our own little pet peeves that someone else may do that increases our blood pressure a bit.  That is part of the game when you are human, and allow others into your life.  This allowance may be by choice through friends, by birth with family, or by professional means through work.  Regardless of where you meet someone, there are times when you wish you could scream at the top of your lungs "Seriously?  Are you kidding me?  STOP IT!"

I have a few pet peeves...probably more than some, but also maybe less than others.  For example - I think if you are using the restroom, washing your hands should be an automatic reaction.  Yet, there are people who think this is an option, and not an option they choose to do.  They walk out of the bathroom with their germ-ridden hands touching everything on their way out...they may as well have just violated the bathroom instead of actually using the toilet to achieve the same level of filth.

Another pet peeve - people who say they will call and don't.  If you say you are going to call me back I believe you.  When you don't call me back it introduces misguided distrust in our relationship, regardless of who you are to me.  If you don't want to talk, tell me.  If you don't want to waste your time in dialing my 10 digits, please let me know as to not waste my time waiting for your call back.

Another pet peeve are people who expect me to be okay when they run over my toes while pushing a stroller.  Come on - I have kids...I know it is a pain to walk around with those contraptions.  But, I do not ever remember it being okay to run over someone while they are standing still, then act repugnant toward them.

People who talk with their mouth full while in a professional setting.  Really, if I wanted to know what you had for lunch, I would ask you later.  I don't need to see you chewing the food, talking with your mouth full, and spraying tiny morsels as you speak.

I don't like when someone says they will do something, and then blatantly decide to not do the same something they said they would do.  Of course, this would be in alliance with the whole saying you will call thing.  I would rather you say no in the beginning than get my hopes up in thinking you are helping.

I have a strong disdain for people who talk badly of another's religion, political ideas, or experiences.  Last I checked, I live in the USA.  This offers me freedom to speak my mind, choose my religion, politics, and have my own experiences.  I don't force my opinions on you, so please do not force your opinions upon me.

I also really do not like snotty-faced spoiled people who really do not think past what will happen to them.  I loathe those individuals who believe I am just here to service them while they are fully capable of doing things on their own.  You have two hands, two feet, and a mind...use them and quit taking advantage of others.  There is no need to act like you are the center of the universe with millions and millions of other people who also exist on this planet.

I can't help but feel extreme distaste for others who simply complain about every little detail of their lives when they are so blessed.  We are all lucky to be alive, to experience love, joy, and yes even a little pain every now and then.  If you are so busy complaining all the time, how do you recognize goodness standing right in front of you.

Random little acts of hate

The kids go to a charter school owned and operated by a local Boys & Girls Club organization.  It is a small school filled with 250 smiling faces willing to learn.  The principal of the school is a staunch by loving adult within their lives, active in every aspect of the daily classroom activities for her Kindergarten through 8th graders.  Every quarter she hosts an awards ceremony for the kids, presents them with awards for Honor Roll, Principal's List, Perfect Attendance, Citizenship.  In attendance are the teachers, fellow classmates, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles.  And while you sit in the "Big Gym" she asks the kids "Where are we going?"  to which the kids shout back "We're going to college."  As each child hears their name called, they come down the wooden bleachers, she hands them their award, and each child shakes the teachers hands in a line, similar to accepting a high school or college degree.  It is her hope that as they receive this training in her school, they will crave that higher degree and pursue their dreams.

In an atmosphere filled with positive feedback, you have the surrounding neighborhood.  While the school may be the haven of hope to those children and parents, the neighborhood is nothing short of scruffy, difficult, rough, and not a place you would want to get lost at night.  It is filled with old people, young people, the streets are littered with cars that may just park in the center of the street.  Driving down the streets it is not unusual to see dogs running loose, 2 year-olds darting into the road, and general mayhem to the outsider.  It is a neighborhood filled with industrial shops, auto-mechanics, and primary population of Hispanics.  Of those Hispanics,  1/4 are not here legally.  While the streets at one time may have been a sense of pride to the city, it is now littered with small crime, drug use, and general disorganization.

The kids have attended this school since the 2006 - 2007 school year.  For the outside community, the property the school is on can be considered a safe place due to a Boys & Girls Club being located on the premises.  They have outstanding testing scores, and students are at a higher learning curve than other schools, both private, public, and / or charter.  This is the main reason why the kids still attend this school.  The kids that attend this school have a great sense of pride for their school, the buildings, the teachers, and the learning process.  They understand and appreciate the facilities, equipment, and adults who are working with them.  While the neighborhood may feel chaotic, the premises of the school / club is that of peace.

This is the location where so many wonderful childhood memories are formed for the students.  This is where they learn to trust adults, understand how the world works, and about the arts.  It is a unique school where they focus on the arts, and the importance of learning the of math and drawing, and the relation between the two.  This is a location chosen to be celebrated by local government, state government and federal government officials like U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings, athletes and celebrities like Jay-Z and LeBron James.  These entities coming to their school, telling them they can achieve their goals, and to reach for the stars, encourages the kids to believe, to learn, and to love while learning.

When I picked the kids up today, they told me the school was broken into over the holiday weekend.  Not only were the buildings broken into, but NetBooks, laptops, USB cords, cameras, classroom items, and some personal belongings of both students and faculty were taken.  The look on my kids' face that someone would do this was that of astonishment, awe, and disgust.  My children understand these electronic items are not just items to "play" on, but tools to learn.

This is not the first time something like this has happened.  A few years ago, while on Spring Break, someone started a fire in the administrative building, destroying all records stored as a hard copy.  Destroying not just items that could be replaced, but also the trust my kids felt in knowing their school was safe from outsiders.  Today, that same level of random little acts of hate was displayed on their faces again.

For those who feel it is okay to take from others, it is astonishing you are willing to take away from a place of learning.  For those who feel it is okay to take away from others, it is astonishing you are willing to have such lack of respect for children, and the tools needed to learn, to become successful adults who are able to govern our society in the future.  You are teaching children extreme neglect for who they are, where they are going, and who they will become.  Your random acts of hate do not just effect the students currently attending the school, but also future students who may enter the facility to learn.  You are effecting the neighborhood, already disparaged.  You are effecting the parents, the families, teachers, and administrators.  Your actions, while they may have been adventurous at the time, will hopefully come back to haunt you in years to come.  You have taken from the learning process of children, and the development of our future.

Medical Marijuana - good or bad?

Let me start by saying I have never smoked marijuana. I have never even had the desire to smoke the plant, and don't see that changing in the future. I have been around it, and really just don't care for the smell (mixture of old socks and tea? yuck). I don't want it in my house, even if you are coming in and out, because I have kids. I don't want it in my car because, again, I have kids.

Most of my reasons for not wanting to smoke pot is due to the legal factor. If it is illegal to be in possession of, use, grow, or sell, why would I purposefully put myself out there in danger. That is like stepping in front of a moving train and hoping it goes around me. Along with the legal factors, the side-effects include the desire to eat. Why would I want to try a drug that may include my desire to eat more than I already do, and eat for the wrong reasons? And, since I have never had the desire to try it, I don't feel the legal factor would change my mind.

I have nothing against those who smoke pot. I don't care if someone decides to do this as a recreational hobby within the privacy of their own home, or the homes of friends / family who also enjoy this. If they feel this is a useful way to spend their time, who am I to judge? I enjoy watching Jersey Shore and the Kardashians for my own reasons they may find ridiculous. I wouldn't force them to watch those shows just as I expect them to not be offended if I decline their offers, and go home. But then again, by the confines of our legal system, watching those shows is legal.

This leads to the other aspect, however. That which is not mentioned above. The use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. For this reason, if I were suffering from a health issue where my pain would be alleviated by the use of smoking pot, maybe I would consider the benefits. Effects of using pot for this reason probably far outweigh the risks, if approved and deemed necessary or even as an option by a medical doctor. Those suffering from cancer should be given every available and medically approved resource in their time of pain. The problem with allowing a drug to be legal for one instance, and not legal in others, though, is a challenge across the board. And while I do not believe marijuana to be a "bad" drug, or even as harmful for what a person would do while taking the drug as drinking alcohol, if you are going to make it legal in some areas, it should be legal in all areas to not have confusion. It is the confusion, social awareness, and social acceptance that may be a deciding factor against legalization.

To those who must use marijuana as a medical practice for their health issues, I pray this will ease your suffering. For those who wish to use it recreationally, you may be fighting a battle that may not be won any time soon.

Pitfalls of a world with social media

Communication in years past included many methods that would take time for the recipient. Mail would take weeks if not months to arrive. Telegraphs and telephones were invented, allowing easier and quicker methods of communication, but even then you were limited to the connection you may receive the communication. Never before have we been able to "talk" to someone so quickly as we are in today's world with today's technology.

In today's world, along with a telephone, you have people connected to a mobile phone. You can email, chat, text, join social networks all in attempts to stay in touch with family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances. It is great to have such instant connection with others in far off places from where you are sitting...and also has it's own set of issues.

I have a friend who discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him based on information within her Facebook profile, status, and wall postings. They lived together, she was helping raise his son, and been together for quite some time. The pain in his own status messages after the discovery were gut-wrenching.

I have other friends who will spill their own daily doings, when they are sick, getting up in the morning, going to sleep, going to shop, eat out, etc. Everything posted for all to see at any moment of the day. In looking at these posts, one may wonder what is not left to the imagination, or kept quiet.

The worst of this is the meaning behind what is posted. In reading a post where someone may find intrigue in something, the reader may be left to read between the lines and feel hurt. In reading a post where a comment is made, the reader may find issue with content. Who is right? Who is wrong? At the end of the day if hurt is to be had, does it really matter?

In the shadows of others

"Never place me within the shadows of the actions from those who came before me. I cannot make amends for them. I can only be responsible for my own."

There are many times in my life where I have been subjected to the actions of someone else before me. It is human; I get it. We protect ourselves by remembering the actions of others who hurt us, and become cautious of those who are new, entering our safe little world. This has happened in school, work, personal relationships, family. I am sure everyone in this great wide open spaces of Earth can complain about the same issue.

At what point, though, do you realize you may be missing something important or special when judging someone else based on evil-doer's of the past?

I worked for a company where the owner/president was so afraid someone was not going to perform if given 5 inches of room that the rest of us suffered. In the years prior to my being hired there had been many who had come and gone, graced their presence within the walls of the company. Of those that remained - their noses were always to the grindstone. Newbies that entered would automatically be assumed as lazy, or trying to take advantage of a situation no worth taking advantage of. I was victim of being accused of this until my last day of employ - where up until 4:59pm that day I didn't take the easy way out, but instead was submitting issues to the Development team at that time. I got off forever at 5. In starting my new job the following Monday to this day I suffer from the "Let's see how this pans out" mentality. I am told of new processes or people being hired and wonder "how long will it take before this is pushed to the side?" My previous experience taught me that as soon as a process is put into motion it will quickly be gone. If a new superior is hired, they will quickly figure out it is not a place they will remain long due to neurosis. This is in no reflection or direct relation to the new company; it is ghost of company past that leads to these feelings.

In friendships, I have been known to be the judge and jury due to others mistakes and the newbies that enter. I have a hard time letting new people in, and must feel secure before allowing my guard to be lowered. It is not fair, and I know it is not always right. But some knives others left in my back are still present, and still causing pain. Of those I let in, they are often friends for life. Of those that are gone, well, there is only so many lies, slaps in the face, stealing of boyfriends, and sarcastic tones I can take. Of those I trust, they may see more than they thought they were getting into. I rely upon them to be an anchor when I am floating away into oblivion. They are my rock when I am on sandy shaky grounds. It is a spot that is, in my mind, rare to reach, but forever in my heart once you reach it.

The most interesting place where I don't tend to create these rules is in personal relationships. I don't tend to create rules based upon previous hurts.

You would think after certain experiences this is where I would guard my heart the most. You would think after everything is said and done, I may not trust another person again. I have been a victim one too many times. But what good is playing the part of victim. We are all, in one way or another, a victim. It is one thing to live through and make it out on the other side of our pain. It is quite another to succumb to that pain and play dead. I regret not being able to continue a marriage; but in the end the marriage almost killed me. I was riddled with anxiety, fear, and lost who I was. I ceased from being Ruthe, to being someone who was afraid of her own shadow, and let life take care of her instead of taking care of life. The day my divorce was finalized was not one of celebration - the celebration would have been remaining married for 5, 10, 20 more years. I didn't feel like going out and toasting to a job well done. I had failed at something very close to my heart; I had failed my children. But the realization of wanting my children to grow up in a home they felt safe in, without arguing, without tension, without ill will for someone else was far more important for the bigger picture.

I dated a person who told me he loved me, then turned around and cheated on me with someone else who claimed to be a best friend. I dated another person who told me for nearly 5 years he was one of the few stable things I had in my life, one of the few people I could rely upon, only to turn around and leave. I dated someone else who was afraid that, based upon having children, I was wanting to settle down with him, call ourselves a family, and send Happy Father's Day cards to him. Two of those three men are still in my life as friends, as someone who eventually saved me from a life I was not intended to have. They all taught me an important lesson of how to learn to open my heart, believe in possibility, let go, forgive, and once again learn to open my heart, and to love again.

Of those past hurts, I have realized everyone is unique, and should not be changed. I tried so many different "methods" to change my ex-husband. In the end, it left me lonely and filled with despair. I vowed to accept everyone since then with an open heart. I don't make people jump through hoops, or "prove" themselves to me. But I also will pay close attention to what they say, what they claim, and what they do. The actions of those in my past are only bound to repeat themselves if I allow myself to walk down the same paths. And yes, there may be new hurts to feel, new losses to experience. But if I do not allow my heart to open to that possibility, I am a bigger fool than those who hurt me previously.

Caution: I watch people closely before engaging in conversations

Wouldn't it be nice if people came with warning labels when you meet them or see them on the street?

For the guy who talks too close and has bad breathe - it would be nice if you had a caution sign reading "Caution - Close talker in need of tooth brush".

For the girl who is not really going to commit to a situation, it would be nice for her sign to read "Caution - I play with people's hearts".

For the kids who throw tantrums, and the parents who are as bad as the kid they should have a family sign reading "Caution - We don't believe in respecting others".

It is amazing what you may learn about someone just from watching their body language or how they speak to another person. Sit on any park bench for at least 5 minutes and you will encounter a world of contradiction and surprise.

I love to people watch. Not everyone has negative signs. There are amazing people in this world who would not need a caution sign. I like to figure out what people's signs may read. I find this to be a great hobby when I have nothing else to do. Sometimes I am cynical, other times I am in awe. But always, it is a curious hobby to entertain. I try to not be judgemental; after all, would I want the strangers I am judging to judge me in the same light? I don't have that "give a damn" attitude some people are able to pull off. And it seems during different points in your life when you may be struggling with something, that is when you run into every Tom, Dick, and Harry who remind you of your oppression. It can also be moments when you needed to feel something, and happen to watch an exchange between 2 strangers that reminds you life is wonderful.

In a relationship I find holding hands to be very important to me. It is a gesture of each person protecting the other, wanting to touch each other, create a united force as one together. But when you are not a couple? It is taunting and mean. They don't know they are offending me, how could they? They are walking around in the Mary Poppins world of butterflies dancing in the sky, blue birds whistling a happy tune, and oblivious to my envious stares. To me, I see them leering at me, almost saying "Yeah, this is what you DON'T have, and so we are going to rub it in your face!" But avoiding the feelings of disdain for the couple's existence, I can look past the rainbows and butterflies they are seeing.

I can see a man who may be looking at his (insert official title of date/girlfriend/fiance/wife here) and be able to tell how he feels about her. The look in his eyes when she is not looking - is it a look of tenderness, a look of desire, a look of "I am the luckiest SOB in the world to have her at my side!" OR - is it "yeah, can't wait til this chic is gone", boredom, or dismissal.

I can see a woman who may be looking at her (insert official title of date/boyfriend/fiance/husband here) to see her thoughts and feelings. The look in her eyes when he is not looking - is it signifying a look of respect, admiration, adoration, "Hell yeah!" look. OR - is it "um...I am just really filling my time", dismay, etc.

It is the looks you give others when no one is looking that matter the most in people watching. That look when you can tell, feel, and see 2 people in love. That look when you see a mother watching her child proudly watch her kids take big kid steps, mixed with the look of worry at the same time that they may not be as needed in the future. You can see the nervousness a teen aged girl or boy may feel when in a group of kids and it is obvious they are trying to flirt with someone. The embrace between two friends, whether it be verbal or physical. One of the most endearing events is to watch a couple who are older, shuffling where ever they are going, holding hands, smiling, and just enjoying the other's company.

Body language is not often looked at highly enough by most people. The simple turn of the head, how close someone stands to you while talking, is their body facing you or turned away from you, are their legs crossed while sitting down and which way are they crossed. Do they look you the person in the eyes while speaking, over the shoulder of the other person, down to the floor, up in the air? Are they constantly playing with their phone, camera, electrical device instead of talking to the person they are sitting with? Do they seem interested in the conversation, or are they simply feigning interest? Someone can give you a compliment, but it is more their body language that will reveal their intention. Paying attention, and knowing the difference between genuine and insincere is the key.

How do you know the difference, though? How can you tell that what you are reading into is the true person? There have been times when I was wrong about my interpretations of someone else's body language. In those rare moments I am typically pleasantly surprised. Those moments are rare, however. This is not a sport for everyone, but for those that have either learned how to read others, or are gifted naturally it helps out immensely when avoiding people who should be avoided.

What would my caution sign read? "Caution - I watch people before engaging in conversation."

I watch people before I engage in conversation for my personal, social time and comfort. If I am meeting new people that are friends of friends, I become extremely introverted for a moment. I look at how they talk, walk, move, gesture. I determine if they are safe or scary. I will watch how the talk to the others to determine if they are schmoozing, snowballing, or being sincere. I will inspect the situation before talking to them, before possibly becoming a victim of an assaholic. I am okay standing in the shadows, on the sidelines, whatever you want to call the place I am at. The rare exception to this is when politics, baseball, or religion may be the topic of conversation. I can find common ground with anyone in this world. But just because I can do this does not mean I need to do this.