The downside to being a turtle

I am a turtle by nature, hiding within my shell when pain becomes too great to greet the world with a kind hello.  I would like to say this is a great way to deal with pain, but it is not.  In the past few months, I have shut many out of my life, and not even intentionally.  It was not the intent to stop talking to a specific person...it has been everyone.  The only people I seem to be able to share things with is my sister, who is miles away and unable to offer me a hug when I so desperately need one.

Where is that person who used to laugh, who could feel the warmth of sunshine not only on her face, but radiating from within her as well?  I can't remember the last time I felt truly joyful to wake up in the morning, unafraid of what the world has to offer on a new day.  I can't remember the last time I felt satisfied, or able to look around and enjoy what I saw.  I feel so numb.

I feel numb toward others, and their thoughts.  It is not that I do not care, it is just that I am in this world of darkness that allows me to not see the direction, nor the door knob to let someone in, to bring in the light.  I don't want to talk about things with others.  I don't want to share my thoughts for fear of having my emotions exposed.

I feel so broken I am not sure how to talk about it.  I am feeling so hurt within my life, I am not sure how to include others into this realm without feeling like I am revealing too much.  I feel incredibly lost, incredibly tired, and very weary most of my days.  My nights are spent with restless sleep, trying to just make it to the morning when I can revert to the cycle again that involves keeping quiet, focusing on my work, and really not talking to others.

And while it may be nice to hide away, quietly residing in your own pain, not letting others know when you are hurting, there is a downside.  That downside when you have to face the music, explain why you may have not been as communicative as you once were.  In the beginning of my painful couple of months, I was actually doing better.  I was talking to others, able to express myself, and even starting the process of moving forward passed the pain I was feeling.  But, several things happened that forced me to question my trust within others again.  Decisions I didn't want to make suddenly were pressing their ugliness upon my life.  And in the end, I took 10 steps backward for each one step of progress I had made.

And now, it seems the past week has been time for me to face the music.  I am terrified to open up again, afraid to allow someone to hear about my pain, or the fact that I am still further behind than where we know I could be.  Worse, I have unknowingly hurt those that may or may not have known about the struggles I am having due to my silence.

A friend sent me a text message asking what she had done to have me stop talking to her.  My heart broke.  This is someone who has done absolutely nothing to me; has been a great friend, someone who I can trust.  But due to my turtle in the shell feelings, I have not been calling.  I didn't want her to feel responsible to bear the weight of my pain, and hear it over and over again.  I didn't want her to worry, to feel she needed to try to make me happy, or do anything for me, really.  It was something I was struggling with, and needed to figure it out on my own.  In trying to call her, I received her voice mail.  In sending a text message back I felt as if so much was lacking within me at that moment to not talk to her, reassure her that things between us as friends was okay, I was just in pain.

I received a text message from someone I had been dating that said "Sweetie, tell me the real reason u stopped with me."  It felt like I had been stabbed as I read the message.  The reason was not related to him but due to all the things going on within my own life.  Difficulties with a past relationship that made me feel uneasy about trusting someone else, and the decisions that resulted due to that relationship.  There was no undercut reasoning that went back to him; it was just one of those things.  When we dated, I had a great time with him.  I enjoyed his company, could talk to him for hours on the phone.  But it was the scars of my past that resurfaced to create this great barrier of uncertainty.  I remember sending him a text, telling him I had been busy with family things, which at the time was , and apologizing for not calling.  I couldn't let him know the extent of my pain.  In revealing where I was emotionally would have been hard due to the fact I liked him, cared about him, and secretly thought he didn't need me intruding upon his life, bringing my own version of a tornado into his life.  How am I supposed to tell him all that has happened that quite frankly has left me feeling like a ship-wrecked victim, beaten by the waves upon the rocks of the shore.

Sometimes, hiding within my shell is good.  It is safe, no one there to hurt me.  There is nothing but the silence of my own thoughts, the quiet of my own storms brewing inside that I just don't feel like discussing with others.  But the downside is I have left those that actually care wondering what they did wrong.  Intentions aside, that is worse than my own hurt; knowing I have possibly caused someone else pain.

19 years and I still think of him

Today marks the 19th anniversary of my friend, Steven, passing away.  

We were both 16 years old at the time. 

We were so full of life, energy, ambition, and invincibility.  

And now, he has been gone longer than he was here.  

It is funny how, as a kid or as a teen, you think you are invincible.  You may honestly believe if you want to fly, you can.  You don't see limitations of ability - only the desire to do something.  You can't imagine anything beyond your bubble world.  In this bubble world, no one leaves, no one dies, and the world is such a happy place.

Each year, I remember him on this day.  How can I not?  He was endearing, frustrating, cute, and funny.  He was that friend you could tell anything to, and he wouldn't care.  He was that guy you always had a little crush on but never spoke up and told him.  He was that student in class that annoyed teachers, but they still loved him due to his smile and thoughtfulness.  He was that person that could light up a room just by walking in.  And he was gone all too soon before his dreams were realized. 

It is by no coincidence that we meet those in life for purposes greater than we understand at the time.  It is by no mistake I knew Steve.  For all the lessons he taught me, unknowingly at the time, I have carried in my heart for the past 19 years.  That smile when things were not going the way he wanted reminds me to smile despite my own feelings of defeat.  That ambition to master his current obsession reminds me to never stop entertaining my own passions.  That sense of humor that literally set the world on fire with laughter reminds me to always enjoy my days, because I may not see another.  At times, I forget he is gone, remembering an event that happened eons ago that I want to share with him now.  At times, he remains as a ghost figure in my present day, always 16 with his mohawked hair, skating down the road. 

In visiting my parents to this day I feel compelled to walk by his old house, now occupied by a new family with new children roaming the halls.  I remember all those moments I would walk to his house as a kid, before his death to hang out with him, and after his death to visit with his mom.  I visit the cemetery, sit on the grass, and tell him all that has happened since the last visit I had.  I share my life, as I know it now, with him, fully believing he is able to smile, fully able to listen still regardless that he isn't physically sitting next to me.  In the time Steve has been gone, I have graduated high school, got married, started a family, got divorced, started careers, discovered new places, revisited old places, and watched my children grow, becoming the age Steve and I were when we met.

Death is never hard on those that leave.  They hopefully are in the direct vision of the Lord, able to view the Heavens and Earth from a different vantage point.  Death is hard on those left behind.  We are the keepers of their spirit, their dreams, and their lives as we knew it.  We grieve in different ways, celebrating at times then feeling nostalgic at other times.  But life moves forward, each day passes until you look at a calendar, realizing 19 years filled with many different new moments have been experienced.  My recent moments have been difficult in mind and spirit, and this day, rather than mourning Steve, I am going to live with his example.  If only for today, I am going to smile in spite of anything that happens, laugh as if I have never laughed before, and enjoy my time.  Tomorrow I can try the process again - in honor of a great guy I still call friend, still talk to despite the distance between us.  Today, I am celebrating his life through celebrating mine.

Supporting others

Sometimes I seriously wonder about people.  I wonder why they feel the need to not listen to why you may be doing something, only point out that you are doing something wrong. Or they simply do not care enough to support your passion but expect you to support theirs.

I recently encountered this when supporting a team in the NCAA basketball playoffs.  I was supporting UConn due to the relationship I was in, but also because I really started to enjoy watching this group of men playing ball.  I was told by others that I shouldn't support the team, I knew nothing about the team other than my boyfriend was supporting them.  These comments were met with "Why wouldn't I support what he enjoys?  Isn't that what you do when you are in a relationship - you support each other?"  I was so upset that my intentions would even be questioned when they were coming out of a place of love, of desire to see the person I was with be filled with happiness.  Silly - allowing a sport to make me feel so defensive, but as a friend, I have done this time and time again for those I care about.

To me, you support your family, your friends, those you love and care about.  You support them when they may not know how to believe in themselves...you encourage them, take an interest in them, and let them know you are on their side.  You may not always agree with their decisions, but rising above that to support their accomplishments is far more important. You may not always appreciate with their interests the way you do your own, but finding the time to show your support means a world of difference to those in your life.

I have done this in many different arenas and avenues in my life.  I am not perfect, though, and definitely do not feel I am so much better than others...I just appreciate how it feels when someone supports me.  I appreciate when someone says to me "I know nothing about this, but I am here for you."  I appreciate when someone takes the time to learn about something I have an interest in rather than bash it.  Or, on the flip side, I appreciate when they take the time to learn about it, support it, and let me know they support me.

I learned this once from an ex-boyfriend, and baseball.  My teams are the Angels first, then the Red Sox.  I enjoy watching some other teams, but those are the teams I truly watch, want to succeed.  The problem with having these as my favorite teams is that they are both American League teams, and if they both make any type of play-off series, chances are they are playing against one another.  My ex-boyfriend was a Red Sox fan.  And there was one playoff season where the Angels actually won against the Red Sox...quite a feat.  We were not together during this time, having broken up months before.  I received a text message saying congratulations on the Angels continuing in the series race to the World Series...there was no sarcasm, no hint of ridicule.  Just the genuine feeling of knowing it was important to me, and while he could have not texted me at all, he took the time.  That is what I feel is important...that level of support...

Take a few moments each day to learn something more about those in your life.  Parents should encourage their children on their aspirations.  Husbands and wives should participate in activities that may not be of their interest, but mean the world to their spouse or significant other.  Friends should adopt a policy of understanding and desire to encourage each other in their pursuits.  Listening to those in your life, allowing your walls to break down, learning more about endeavors beyond our own hands and minds could change our world for the better.

If we do not support one another, why are we surprised when there is no one there to support us when we fall?  Isn't that the essence of being a family?  Isn't that the essence of friendship?  Isn't that the essence of love - isn't that the essence of what we desire, but fear to show the most?  Why do we so often choose our self-interest over the interests of those we care about?  Our world would be a kinder, gentler place to live if we all would take the time to support one another, to learn about each other, and love each other for who we are, and what we like, rather than feel the need to become abrasive due to a minor difference of opinion.  We all only have this life to live, why not embrace it with kindness, understanding, and a helping hand.

I have the best friends

The past few weeks have been difficult.  There have been many things that I am questioning, many things I know what I want but have to rely upon others to make happen, many things I have wondered why it is happening at all.  Yesterday was one of those days where I broke down, crying, and told the Lord I was angry at him.  Angry that I have already suffered so much pain in my life...angry that it seems I am staying strong but am wearing thin...angry that in a world where I have been given so much, it also feels so much has been taken away from me.

It seems all I do lately is pray...pray for peace of mind, pray I will remain strong, pray I will be able to just put one foot in front of the other, pray He will show me His presence, comfort me, pray...pray that I will have what I desire, want, need.  Right now, I feel this tsunami of difficulties in my life, this storm that cannot be contained and is just destroying everything I have worked hard on, worked hard for...suddenly vanishing as if it was never there.  My heart has felt so troubled, I have put on the brave face as long as I can, but that hurt and pain I feel is breaking through.  Once again it feels that what I desire is being wiped out of existence...and the only thing that remains is this person who is expected to walk with her head held high while her heart and feet are dragging her through each very second of the day.

That is the funny thing about prayer...our talks with Him and what He gives to us sometimes are not what we expected.

In the past weeks I have talked to friends I hadn't said more than 10 words to in the past 16 years. I have talked to friends who know me at my best, and at my worst.  I have had newer friends comfort me during these trying times.  Friends who have seen my successes and grand fails.  Friends, like family, that remain next to me, and time doesn't seem to be of importance from the last we spoke - only that you are able to pick up where you last off, as if you talked no more than 5 minutes before.  These are the people I could call at 1:30am after being in a car accident who come to pick me up.  Friends that hold my deepest secrets, but don't remind me of the pain within those secrets.  Friends who have held my hand as I suffer another loss, or as I watch my children make their own achievements.

I know this is what I have prayed for - His comfort provided to me in the bonds I have made through out the course of my life.

The countless hours catching up, sharing what we are doing in our different avenues of life, crying with one another, or laughing through stories...those are the moments you live for in life.  To have someone know you so well, and to call out of the blue, and to recognize the power of their presence in your life. For this, I know the Lord is with me...even when it feels He is so far away, on sabbatical and not answering phone, text, IM, email, knocks at the door...quietly, He reminds me I must remain faithful in my desires, quietly He reminds me I am important, I am needed by others, I am special in His eyes.  He hasn't left; He is just waiting for me to come to Him with those needs and desires - to actively seek Him out, to allow Him to erase my tears with joy.  But it will take time.

In the mean time, he has reminded me of the fact I have the best of friends there are to have.  Those that offer me patience, kindness, tender words, a hug, and a reminder that I am not forgotten, and that I am loved.

March 22, 1994 - What's Up

March 22, 1994...The day started off with so much uncertainty which seems to be the story of my life. I was supposed to go to Phoenix with a friend, Dawn, and her boyfriend Jim. But there were issues with Dawn, and I wasn't sure I was going with them until before we left. We made it to Scottsdale without any issue, and met up with a friend from high school, Brad, at a Red Robin.

When we met up with him, he said he had heard about a terrible accident that happened between Phoenix and Payson on the Beeline Hwy. He wasn't sure if we would be making it as we had. Back then, no one had cell phones to call and let others know where they were. I think Dawn may have had a pager, but for the life of me, I can't remember. Doesn't really matter to the story anyway.

The day was spent going shopping. Back then, there was a mall called Los Arcos at Scottsdale Rd. and McDowell in South Scottsdale. The mall had been neglected by shoppers for years...other malls had opened that were newer, offering better stores. Broadway Southwest had a department store in the mall that was a clearance center for their other locations. And this was my favorite store to shop at. We went to some other places, then headed home later that night, around 5 or 6.

The drive was normal, and there was not any sign of the accident that had happened earlier. Accidents in this stretch of road were normal, as people really didn't pay attention, tight curves, and blind turns. When I got home, though, that is when the happiness of going shopping suddenly changed to a somber reality.

I got a call from one of my friends. The accident on the road that day happened moments after we had passed through the same area on the highway. An older man driving up to Payson did not realize the road went from two lanes to one lane, and was attempting to pass another car. In his attempt he ran into another car heading south toward Phoenix, carrying 4 people. Of the four, 2 were killed at the scene, and 2 others were injured terribly. Had we left a few minutes later, no more than 5 minutes, that could have been us.

The sober reality was not the close proximity to where we were on the road, possibly seeing the car that caused so much destruction on the road...the sober reality was that the 2 people killed in the accident were my friends, Dustin and Edward. The 2 injured were my friends, Nicole and Jackie.

Dustin was someone I cared about very deeply. He was special in so many ways. His sense of humor, his sensitivity, and his intelligence were amazing. And just a few days before, I was in the car with Dawn, the same girl I drove to Phoenix with that day, while she cruised around town telling others how much she hated Dustin. At one point that evening Dustin would not talk to me due to being with her. They had dated for a while, and she felt the need to air out her indifference. I was in the car and guilty by association. My only communication with him on that evening was relayed by someone else "Please tell Dustin I am sorry, that I am not mad at him, and I hope he is okay."

Dustin was living with my friend Mike at the time. Mike was Edward and Nicole's brother. To lose a friend and a brother on the same day, and have a sister injured in the hospital was more than I could ever imagine. In looking at the car Dustin was driving that was impounded there was very little room between the car seat he sat in, and the steering wheel he was holding onto. No way he could have survived. After his death, Mike and I talked. I was so afraid Dustin thought I hated him when he died. So afraid my being with someone who treated him so poorly was the last thought he had of me before he died. Mike consoled me, telling me this was not the case, but none-the-less, it changed how I felt about Dawn, and the ability to be so hateful at times.

It was not the first time I had lost a friend.  It won't be the last time, as well.  As I grow older, the ability to heal is diminished, and eventually all those you know will pass.  But at the age of 18, you never imagine how precious life is, how fragile we truly are, and how intricate our bodies are by design.  You never realize that you will be going to a funeral for someone you loved that is the same age as you.  You never think about life in such a way because at that age, life is your oyster.  You don't see the dangers in things as you see it as an adult.  You don't realize how your actions can impact someone else, or how a kind word can change their day just as much as being guilty by association of hatefulness.  You don't see those things because you are a teenager who believes you have a whole life in front of you, ready for you to do great things, and think the adults in your life are just telling you tall tales to disrupt your fun.  Your life is school, getting out of school, and hoping your future is bright.  But when that is disrupted by the sober fact we will not all make it to the next day, it changes you in ways you never imagined.

That was  17 years ago today.  To think of all Dustin could have been is sometimes hard.  He had so many struggles in his life, but was such a great person.  He had this ability to make others smile that is rare.  And he was always singing "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes.  To this day it is hard to listen to that song without thinking about him, thinking of that time where we had little crushes on each other and kissed, or went camping together in the middle of January in the cold, staying up all night and going to a tiny diner in Payson at 2am.  They say that those you love are never gone as long as you carry them within your heart, remember them in big or small ways.  Tonight, I am remembering my friend Dustin Cenzano.  I am remembering Edward, and allowing their spirits to remain alive through me.

That little green monster

In all of us there lurks that little green monster...the one who shows up when we least expect it, and truly rears it's ugly head.  That little green monster of jealousy, envy, or desire for something we do not have.

It is amazing that the older I get, the more I run into this in all different scenarios.  There is the person at work who makes nasty comments toward others, while in their presence.  With no rhyme or reason for this, they decide that showing this side of themselves somehow makes them appear better than others, which, of course, is completely untrue.  Truth is, they lack the self-confidence to improve upon themselves, and instead make others appear ridiculous to increase their attractiveness.

There is the former friend who would belittle me in front of others...yes, I said former friend.  She would try to make me look bad or stupid for the sake of making herself appear superior.  It would come at the least known moments...moments where I was on a date with someone new, and she would attempt to make herself look better than me all while she sat next to her boyfriend.

Another friend who complains about not being included in situations she has purposely said she does not want to participate in, making others involved feel like they now need to bend over backwards to suit her.

The fact is, that little green monster can occur with scenarios listed above, or when we feel like we are not being included to the extent we would like.  There is no right or wrong in dealing with this.  The only thing we can do is focus on how we behave.

If we feel we are not on the same level or insecure around others, instead of berating another person, we should focus on investigating why we feel insecure.  Do we feel they are smarter than us?  Do we feel they know how to do something better than us?  Do we feel others like them more than us?  Once identifying those feelings, it is time to do something about it.  If you feel someone else knows more than you do, practice...learn and explore, and keep exploring.  Don't take out all your frustrations on others...you will never win this way.

If you feel you are left out or excluded, try to become more friendly and approachable.  Try going outside your own comfort zone and participate...you may be surprised at how much easier it is to enjoy your time at something you may not find as interesting, but recognizing the company is what is important.  Stepping outside my own comfort zones, doing something that helps to overcome those feelings is what will helps me to deal with the ugly green monster.  I will never know how to do everything that everyone else knows, but I can become a master of my own interests.  I may never be as pretty, as popular, or as polite as some others, but I can work on myself, learn what I do like about myself, and work on what I do not like, increasing my abilities to accept others instead of comparing or analyzing myself next to others.  And when I feel I am being a victim of someone else's monster, I have learned to just let things go.  There is no sense in attempting to understand or sometimes approach the issue.  Letting go, letting them discover on their own is much better in the long run.

Lay down so that I can kick you

I saw my best friend this weekend.  After not seeing her since 2007 we were able to hang out, talk, laugh, and just have fun at remembering those days from the past where we would do the silliest of things without regard for how others may think of us.

In a world where I have many different layers to who I am, and what I share, my best friend has probably known me best.  Growing up without a sister, she has become my sister in the 16 year friendship we have shared.  She held my hand each time my heart was broken, whether physically or emotionally, encouraged me to always do my best, and while she may not have always agreed with decisions I made, she supported me 110%.  There are not too many people I can say that about.  She has not only wiped away my tears for painful moments, but also the tears of happy moments.

It is miraculous how a friendship between two individuals can include every private thought, secret, and protection from the outside world can soothe your soul as that of a kindred spirit of your best friend.

The first night we met, we were both in our first semester of college, and working at Wal-Mart.  We clicked instantly.  We clicked so much our co-workers asked if we were roommates...both from small towns, both with younger siblings at home since we were the oldest, and both trying to learn about our new worlds around us.  There was the night we drove someone's car we had just met, the time we drove to LA and got lost due to not knowing where the heck we were going, or going to Lake Havasu on Spring Break and laughed at all the drunk people. She was there in the middle of the night when I was in a car accident, and there when my kids were born.  In so many ways, she has been there for me more than I feel I have been there for her. She has been one of the few people I can trust without reservation.  We have inside jokes or phrases that when shared cause us to erupt into laughter similar to little kids do.  Phrases like "lay down so that I can kick you" would never be understood by any other person other than her.  That is the wonderful part of having a best friend, and many many years shared together...

Stephanie, her husband, and their kids moved to Minnesota about 5 years ago.  And as we had grown up, both meeting our husbands, starting families, and having our lives not be so intricately weaved, we have both accepted the other's life, knowing we are both busy.  When seeing each other, or talking on the phone again, it is just like that first time we met - like time has not passed, and we are 18 again.  Her moving away was extremely difficult, but also something that has not really affected our friendship...friendship is not measured in the miles that separate you, but measured in the moments where you share yourself with another person.

Disappointment in others

What is the worst thing someone can say to you when you have done something that hurts them? For me, it isn't that they may be upset, or that they are mad. It is that they feel disappointment in me.

Disappointment - that moment where you feel or know that something is not right, and there is no way to really recover without much time to reflect. When disappointment enters a situation, trust exits. And once trust exits, what is left? What can you do other than try to repair what is damaged, still hoping things will not maintain as they are now. How do you recover from feeling disappointed, and begin to trust again?

I think back on all the moments someone has wronged me in some way, it was the disappointment that hurt most when thinking of their actions. That feeling of being let down, of knowing they could do more or do something better, but they simply chose to do differently. That feeling of wondering if they will act that way again in the future, and wondering if I will be able to trust them now as I trusted them before the event occurred.

I recognize that I may be more sensitive than others. I may take things more to heart than others. And while I may appear to be hard on the outside, or someone who is "religious" it does not equate to what is within my heart. I AM sensitive, and don't like feeling like I am being pulled in a million directions. I am not hard. And while I am spiritual, I do not appreciate having others use this as a weapon of choice, or the topic of conversation when discussing me. I don't push my thoughts onto you, and I certainly don't push my political or religious thoughts onto you. Don't use that as a weapon in describing me to others. If the worst I do is pray and listen to Christian music - who gives a rat's ass...how is this hurting you? I am not praying around you...so leave it alone.

This has happened recently to me multiple times with the same person. Again and again I feel let down by this person. Comments have been made that hurt my feelings, and at the same time this feeling of disappointment where I wonder if they even care that their words were used to run me over. Actions, also, where they decide to do something that really is beyond my expectations in the opposite manner than I care for. It isn't that I want to feel disappointment; I believe I just hold certain things more reverently than they do. Some actions and words said would never be part of my thinking process out of respect for this person. I would never try to look better than this person. Yet, there are times this occurs and I feel like I have been run over by the express bus from hell.

I try to not damage my relationships, but I feel this person has overstepped their boundaries in areas of my relationships, and it is hard to talk about my feelings. The manner in which I have been hurt is something I suppose I need to get over, but will the other people in my relationships that were discussed feel differently due to what was said? Will it damage the overall health of the relationship that I hold very closely to my heart? Will the other shoe fall and something else is said that hurts, that damages both personal and professional relationships? I suppose time will only tell. Time will be the only judge of how things will end up.

To be disappointed in others in more than just feeling uneasy, feeling distrust. It is a method of pushing me away. Whether these actions have been on purpose, because they are upset at someone else, or unaware of how their words may hurt - don't bring me into the mix when all I do is support you in every effort you do. In the end, I don't want to be part of your personal train wreck simply because you were having a bad moment.

The sum of what friendship should contain

If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  

If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  

If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  

If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  

But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.  

~Author Unknown

It is one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person - our gift of friendship.  This is not for the faint of heart, however.  True friendship requires work, patience, love, celebration, compassion, and forgiveness at all times.  It is not a one way street we travel in the pursuit of friendship, rather a bustling highway of exchanges, on and off ramps, and always respect for those we choose to call our friends.

Friendship is the opportunity for us to learn about ourselves through someone else's eyes, ears, and heart.  It is the opportunity to seek out advise when needed, an embrace when required, and to share our thoughts, dreams, ideas, and fears with someone we entrust with our hearts.  We do not surround ourselves with those we would not want to be like; we, instead, choose our friends based on what we would like to be, what we appreciate, and what we find lovely. The sum of what friendship should contain would always include the need to share, the need to love, and the need to accept regardless of the circumstance at hand. 

In friendship, we offer our biggest commodity known to us - the commodity of our time.

Friendships require a different approach to life than other relationships we may form throughout our years on this planet.  While our relationships with families may seem, at times, to be out of obligation, our friendships are there by our pure desire to know someone else.  

Growing up, I was the only daughter/sister in my household.  My three brothers had each other to learn from, to form a bond with, and to establish guidelines of play, rough-housing, and social interaction with.  They were friends from birth, at points they were each other's biggest enemies. Not having this union of sorts with a sister, I searched for this from outside sources.  While my mother was a wonderful mother, she was not my friend, not going through the same experiences as I was going through, and needed to be my mother.  Due to this, I found friends to fill the void of sistership.

I have looked at my friends as sisters throughout the years.  From the earliest times I can remember in elementary school, I have been blessed with friends who not only have accepted me for who I was, but also offered a glimpse of their hearts to learn from.  My oldest friends are those with whom I can call after several months of busy days, and not miss a beat in conversation.  There is no apologies for not calling - we recognize that the world does not revolve around when or how often we talk; it revolves around the desire to maintain contact as time passes.  These are the people who would not bat an eye if I called in the middle of the night if some terrible event has occurred in my own life, and in return I would not bat an eye if they called.  These are the people I call first if something wonderful has happened to share my news.  

My friends range from elementary school friends, middle school/high school friends, those met in college, in the work place, and those who have entered my life due to a relationship, a marriage, or the relationships of my family.  

I am blessed to have my friends/sisters to include Arin, Krista, and Jessica that I only know due to my marriage, and divorce.  I am blessed to have witnessed them growing up from teen-aged girls excited to get their driver's licenses to seeing them become mothers, wives, and successful individuals each in their own right.  


I am blessed to have friends from high school who witnessed my bad clothing decisions, boy heartbreaks, awkward growing up moments, bad haircuts, and goofy silliness.  I feel so lucky to remember our times before we were worried about everything that we worry about now...when things were simpler, and talking on the phone for hours was the most important aspect of our friendships even though we had seen each other all day at school.


My friends have been there for me every step of the way.  Holding my hand if I was scared, offering me forgiveness if I made a mistake, sharing moments of graduations, weddings, births of children, even divorce and the willingness to help me pick up the pieces of my life.  They have rarely turned me away if I was in need of help, and never forgot to offer words of encouragement when I felt my world was crashing around me.  They have offered the most valuable commodity of not just their time, but also their hearts.  And while I always feel I fall short on what I can offer, I never have been alone.

To all those I call friend, or sister, I love you and would not be the same person I am today without your influence, without your kindness, and without your love.  I hope you always feel my gratefulness to all you have given me, regardless if we have known each other 1 year, or 23 years.

This just in...

There are many times in my life when I wished I was either deaf or mute. Sometimes, both. Not because I wish to never talk again, or never hear again. Simply because there are times in my life when I wish I didn't speak up, or open my mouth. Other times I wish I didn't have to listen to what someone is telling me.

I am learning that what I say about others is a clear reflection of how others may also look at me, or see me. I am learning that if someone says negative things about another person, or people; if they talk in a discouraging way about others they call friends, chances are they are also doing this with me, and about me. This is an issue that has always reared it's ugly head since I was in junior high, and the older I get it does not seem to go away. I will admit there have been times when I have done this. I may have been upset about something and needed to get it off my chest to someone, anyone, before I exploded with feelings. But this action never seems to do anyone any good, mostly myself.

Something else I learned, am still learning, and will probably continue to learn. Those who talk about their other friends in a discouraging way are probably talking about you to those other friends in the same way. It does not take courage to talk about someone else negatively. It is very easy to get caught in that trap, and continue the trend for long periods of time. Same thing goes for secrets you may share with someone who tells you another person's secrets so freely. It is not curiosity that killed the cat. It is sheer lack of keeping your mouth shut that will cause hurt to someone else. As you are listening to someone tell you these things, ask yourself if the situation were reversed, and the person was telling someone else about your pains, issues, deepest feelings, would you want this to be light conversation between others?

We all need to share our feelings. We all need to express our fears to someone in a safe environment. We do not assume it will be seen as gossip fodder for others. Be mindful of how you share your information, and who you share that with. Be mindful of who you are talking about, and how you are talking about them. There may be a day that the shoe is on the other foot, and somehow people know more than they should. No one likes their lives, the personal moments they let you into, to be common knowledge for others.

When two worlds collide

There are so many times in our lives when we have collisions with different aspects of our lives. With the help of social media, we are discovering that 6 degrees of separation is really more common than we ever thought. Suddenly, we are all more connected, all more closely intertwined in ways we never dreamed of.

We can all look at our networks of professional, personal, family to discover similarities beyond what we could do even 5 years ago.

My earliest recollection of this "collision" sadly was not my story. No, it was on the news learning a woman who works as a waitress had been pouring coffee for her father for years, every morning, without knowing who he was, and he not knowing who she was.

Then came my own experiences.

In junior high and high school I went to school with a girl who's parents were divorced. She lived in my town with her mother, and her father was about 80 miles south. She lived between them, sharing weekends and summers, or a school year at one point, with her dad. When coming back from her weekend visits she would often tell me about her time with her dad, his girlfriend, her two kids. The girlfriend had a daughter who was 4 years younger than us, and had best friends that were twins, all sharing the same birth date. When she was visiting her father during one summer we would write letters, and always she would mention these other people. After graduating high school we went our separate ways but remained in contact very randomly. Flash forward to meeting my ex-husband, his sisters (twins), and their best friend (all 3 born on the same day) and finding out the people my friend from school was talking about are now part of my family.

When working at Macy's for the cosmetic department I had a client who would come in for men's fragrance. He was older, probably in his 70's or 80's. He was sweet, though. He refused to buy his cologne from anyone but me, probably due to my giving him all the freebies I could find. After about a year of him coming in, and telling me about his cruises he takes, the girlfriend he would buy jewelry for, etc. we talked about his family. His son was an All American in college, and also a great wrestler. He was very proud of his son, and talked about him, his wife, and their kids regularly after that. One day, while talking about his son, he mentioned where his son worked - at the high school I went to. His son was my American History teacher in high school, and I went to school, graduated from high school with his grandson. After learning this, he would regularly bring in pictures of the family so that I could see them, and he could show them off.

Other random collisions are because of social media. I became "friends" with a girl I knew in high school. Among her friends was a girl I went to elementary school with, 80 miles from where I went to high school. Turns out, these 2 somehow met in college, became best friends, and strangely we were all connected. I met another friend at church, became friends on the site, and realized one of her friends is someone I worked with during my freshman year of college some 16 years ago.

When our two worlds collide, I do not think it is by coincidence. I do not believe it is by accident. I believe it is to remind us of how we are all connected to one another in some way. It is to remind us to be kind to strangers, never knowing who they may be in relation to others we know, others we care about, or even love in the past, present, and future. It is to remind us that angels are watching over us, and guiding us to safety through another person to connect the circle of life. Life is a miraculous event, and we are never really alone in a sea of faces. We may be unique in finger print, cell structure, DNA, but we are all still connected in a very intricate way. This reminds me to be kind to the older people I meet; they may be someone's grandparent. This reminds me to be kind to children; they may be offspring of someone I knew or know. It reminds me to be kind to the person who is at the grocery store, department store, gas station, restaurant. They could all be a part of my world without my even knowing it.