Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Think back to those awkward moments in junior high...the bad hair days, bad clothes days...days you were unsure of yourself, or what you wanted, much less how you felt about the outside world.  In some ways, you lived in a bubble, and in others you felt very small in a universe so large.  Those moments where you wondered if someone liked you, wondered if they were going to ask you to dance in the gymnasium of your school beneath the dim lights and bright sunlight filtering in through the opened doors.  The bad punch drinks, even worse dancing, and complete fear he would ask you to dance met with the complete fear he would not.

Every time I hear this song, I think back to those days.  Those wonderful days were I wanted to grow up so badly, but didn't know if growing up was actually good.  That time in my life when I suddenly had a chest that required a bra, taller than most the boys, permed hair, big earrings, and even bigger hair.  I was aware of so many things, yet unaware of even more.  I was young, naive, and full of hope.  At times I still thought my parents could solve all of the world's problems, but had started to realize they actually had feelings, needs, and desires past the home we had and my brothers and I.  In so many ways, that time was like a rose, full of fragrant petals, and also full of thorns.

We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to her favourite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say love's a game of easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could let you know somehow
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn
Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar will remain

I know I could saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

and now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Life is not waiting - and I am finally on board

Tempe Town Lake
Tempe,

Each day on my lunch, I wonder where life will take me.  Not in some metaphorical dreamy state of mind way, but literally, where I will end up.  At lunch, I have started to take my own private adventures.  Moments to myself where I go out, discover something new, and more often than not - take pictures of my adventures

Bischoff's
Scottsdale, AZ

This has always been within my nature; that desire to take pictures.  I remember a day trip I took with my ex-boyfriend John in which I took over 200 pictures in the span of 2 hours...I went through all his available memory on the SD card quicker than he could say "Boo!"  But lately, I have been seeing the world around me from a different perspective.  It isn't so much that I am taking pictures of what surrounds me; it is that I am taking an affirmative action to not forget what is around.  I want to save that moment for all time.  My world around me lately has felt much like I am moving on a fast express train toward the unknown, and that has left me feeling a bit weary.  In the past 6 months I have gone through such tremendous change that I feel the need to hold on, ever so slightly, to moments that have touched me.  The pain I have felt from a broken heart has led me to view everything in a different shadow and light.  It has helped me develop the need to show where I was, what I am doing, what the world looks like today verses another 6 months from now, one year, two years, five years from now.

ASU SkySong
Scottsdale,AZ

My lunch adventures have taken me to a town lake and a tour of a new structure with a city official, hard hat included.  They have taken me to places I drive by every day but never stopped to take a look.  I have charged ahead, full steam, with this new desire to show the world what I see.  It hasn't been limited to lunch adventures.  The number of hours spent this summer in downtown Phoenix, at night, dealing with the heat, are too numerous to even mention.  And thanks to my handy cell phone camera, I have a new longing for a better camera - something that will allow me to capture the moment in a crisper light. 

Most of the pictures are posted onto various social media sites for others to enjoy; I welcome an objective eye to observe and offer helpful tips.  And for now, along with my love of family, friends, God, and baseball, this has become another passion I am more than willing to entertain in my life.  I am not waiting around any longer, idly standing on the sidelines of my life.  I am documenting where I was, what I did, how I enjoyed discovering a new piece of myself that was once unknown.

My view of the world through the lens of a camera

Downtown Phoenix from Steele Indian Park, 7/4/2011

 Downtown Tempe from Tempe Town Lake, 8/9/2011

New walking bridge for Tempe Town Lake 8/9/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Finding the ability to be alone

Have you ever met someone who is absolutely unable to be alone?  They need companionship to go to lunch at work, while driving in their car, when running errands.  This simple tasks others may find comfort in solitude from others, these individuals seek the company of others.

In spite of my life being ever consumed by the needs of others, I cherish those brief moments by myself where I can think.  Maybe this is why I prefer a lunch of solitude as opposed to an every day occurrence of lunch with others.  Every once in a while it is nice, but for my day I need that break from intruders or detractors.  So, I find it troubling when I see some who cannot do this more regularly, much less feel the need to bribe others with offering to pay.  In a world where we are always connected in some way, shape, or form, it seems the need to unplug has become irrelevant to some, obsolete to others.

I do not think of this as a character flaw.  There isn't anything wrong with these individuals.  Most times they are not lacking self-esteem, which is what you would typically think.  No, they just enjoy the company of others...all the time...at the expense of being unable to value the time of others.  And maybe, just maybe, therein lies the character flaw; the inability to accept no as an answer.

In my adulthood, I have never really been alone.  I started with a husband and child by the age of 21, second child by the age of  23.  My experience of being alone is not only rare, but virtually non-existent. My time alone consists of the few minutes in the morning before I wake kids up, the few minutes driving to and from work, and the few minutes I am going to sleep.  Forget about personal time while taking a shower, or using the restroom.  Those precious moments, too, are quickly invaded. Yet, my children are getting older.  They need me less in some ways, more in others. As they have become taller in size, so have their needs changed.  Gone are the days I had to worry about spoon feeding them, or diaper changes.  Gone are the days I had to worry about electrical outlets being covered, breakables being out of reach, and toys being strewn all over the house...

Finding the ability to connect with yourself has been a challenge for me.  I have so closely assumed the roles life has offered me.  In taking some time away from everything and everyone else this summer it has been assumed I am upset, or angry with others...no.  I just don't feel like talking to, dealing with, or being associated with the actions some in my life have had to offer more recently.  I needed to take a break from the world and readdress who I am, what I want, where I am going with my life.  I needed to be alone to appreciate the time I spend with others.  I needed that down time to honestly determine what it is that makes me smile, on my own, without the influences of the world.  I needed to rediscover myself.  Yes, I lost some people along this journey of rediscovery.  I understand that was a risk I had to take in order to feel better with my own world, who I am, what I need.  If they were truly a part of my life, they will understand.  If they were only there for the short term, they may not.  But in the end, feeling happy within the confines of my own skin seem much more important than walking the tight rope of life for others. 

I found, in my self-imposed solitude, that I am stronger than I once thought. I found items I was fully aware of, such as my level of sensitivity, to not be a flaw within my life, but an attribute.  I found I do not need to call everyone back right away, answer every call, reply to every text.  I found I love sitting,watching an old movie, without having anything else to bother me.  I found that my level of insight in this world is a benefit I can share with others.  I also found I do not need to show the world my insight, I do not need to allow others into my life and show them the open book to my soul.  I found I love to dance while dusting, sing at the top of my lungs while vacuuming, and enjoy that monotonous chore of doing laundry.  I found a way to accept who I am regardless of the pain I am feeling.  I found some people to only be part of my past, others to only be part of my present, and fully appreciate those who are my future.  I found me.

Learning how to move on

The past few months have been a blur.  It feels the moment I started to feel okay with life, I was reminded of all I had lost.  Good, bad, or indifferent, I am not one that deals with loss well.  This I know, am not afraid to admit to.  After all, admitting this is half the issue, right?

I spent months feeling there was something wrong with me. If only I had done something differently, if only I lived in a different location, if only one million small trivial items had been different, I would not be standing where I was.  And where I was standing felt like nothing short of a tsunami within my heart.  And after that tsunami - the aftermath and pickup process of the refuge who has lost almost everything, living the life in shadows of a past that will never happen again.

It is hard to say what makes or creates those feelings within a heart that once held so much hope and promise.  It is hard to know how to learn to live life in ways that, for one reason or another, are not as you dreamed of.  All that I felt was this tremendous weight of sadness.  Sadness for something that truly did not deserve the attention my heart, soul, and mind were allowing it to have.

Much like that first moment you open your eyes after an unrestful sleep, I feel I have awoken.  FINALLY.  I feel as if I have hope again for the first time since March.  I have the sense that life will be okay.  I have stopped caring where you are, what you are doing.  It does not matter because you don't want to be with me any longer.  I finally feel I am walking in life rather than watching it pass by, I feel I am no longer a tourist in the valley of my heart, I am no longer a visitor.  I no longer feel I am standing at the door, waiting to go inside some illusionary room within my life.  I am no longer waiting for clarity from you; no longer waiting for an explanation I feel I deserve, or the apology you owe for all the hurt caused.  No longer do I feel I need to apologize for my reactions to the pain.  It is what it is, and I am learning how to move on.

Perspective

Perspective.  It is all in how you see things, how you view the world around you.  Perspective comes from experience, from moments in your life that either break you or make you stronger.  It comes from the observations that, to an outsider, seem the smallest of detail.  Or it could be quite the opposite; a life-altering experience that rocks the foundation upon which you stand.

The best way to simulate or understand perspective is to view the world from a higher level.  Sitting in an airplane where you see large cities suddenly dwarfed, the ailments of traffic and problems seem distant, and you are reminded just how insignificant some of life's biggest worries truly are.  Looking down, you become amazed at the intricate design of the world - the fields so neatly aligned into perfect squares, the web of roads with the dimmest of lights from cars, the interesting planning of housing communities.  The view of land you would normally never see with mountains, rivers, lakes, all there for you to appreciate in a moment you may never have again.  Perspective suddenly takes form into realizing and analyzing where you are in the skies above verses where that land is beneath you, and what you can see when so far removed from the daily struggles you may face.

In life, we are prone to be unable to fully understand or grasp perspective.  Perspective, like hind sight, is 20/20.  You only recognize this wonderment, this true expanse of your world after going through what feels like trial after trial. Perspective is that small instant that we see all for what it is, regardless of emotion.  We are finally out of the fog, and into the light.  We are able to see things as they are rather than what we would like, or what we would hope.

365 Days

It is amazing the events that can unfold within the span of 365 days.  Seasons change, people are both entering the world into new lives and exiting the world when their time expires.  Jobs may change, locations of where you may live, friends you were once close with are now distant, and new friends come into your life and help you move forward.  Interests, desires, challenges, and dreams may all be vastly different within this time frame, each moment we experience shaping our thoughts.

If you were to ask me 365 days ago where I thought I would be today, my answer would not have been anything close to where I actually am.  Ignorance is sometimes bliss, but experience can sometimes bring more tears than you expected.  I was excited about the future, excited to see where the road was taking me, and willing to try a path I had not taken before.  I was open to different ideas, open to different experiences.  I was able to feel daring, feel spontaneous. I felt I was given a new chance at something great, and I was not going to let it pass me by.

Little did I know that regardless of my personal attempts, the 364 days that would follow be filled with absolute joy coupled with and followed by feeling I failed myself and those around me.  Feeling I was special, I was important, I was cared about quickly turned to feelings that I must be damaged; somehow there is something lacking within me to be where I am again.

So here is to you, 365.  I wish you brought more smiles to my face, than tears that escape from my eyes.  I wish you brought more moments to be shared instead of rehashing and remembering moments that occurred.  I wish the next 365 are better than the past few months have offered.

It's a beautiful day

There are moments that truly define someone in many different ways.  Moments we are forever changed professionally, personally, spiritually...moments that alter how we view the world, and how the world views us.  In a world filled with each person experiencing their own miracles, pains, joys, and sorrows, there are unlimited possibilities for a beautiful day.

The ironic point, however, is that we all choose to focus on the hurdles rather than the possibilities.  We see that hurdle as a way of holding us back instead of a challenge waiting to be conquered.  Our minds immediately analyze the risks involved, the difficulties in what we may know verses what we are completely blinded by.  And to this, I fall short of seeing possibilities time and time again.  I seem to understand the hurdles, know how I may be able to overtake them, but don't have the strength or ability some days to want to accept them.  Sometimes it is easier to back away, go a different route, and hope for the best.

For most of my adult life, I have had to remain the strong person.  I have had to face challenges as if they were welcomed, smiling politely as I struggle to do what needs to be done.  I am no different from any other person, each facing our own difficulties in life.  I am not unique in this world when a struggle presents itself.  I am seen in two different lights; someone others may see as incredibly strong, having overcome many said challenges and obstacles to be where I am, while those who have heard my heart being vocalized in a rare moment of weakness, I am also someone who is seen as easily breakable.  There are no in-betweens, it appears.

Each day, I am faced with the decision to get out of bed.  Most mornings I willingly accept the decision to place both feet on the ground, start my day, and proclaim it to be beautiful.  Regardless of what may happen, I am making today a beautiful day.  But those mornings where I would rather hide from the world, agree that while it may have potential in being a beautiful day, I would prefer to remain within the safety of my own home.  It isn't that I dread the day, or what it may entail.  I enjoy my job, I enjoy most of the co-workers I see.  I don't necessarily have a horrible environment to walk into each day.  It is only that there are some days that seem overwhelming from the moment the alarm clock wakes me up, until I verify it is set before drifting asleep once again.  There are some days I don't feel like being strong; I am weary of being the single parent who must think of two others before making any decisions.  I am weary of having the responsibilities my life offers, weary of putting on the brave face I have had to wear for several months now while inside I feel something has truly vanished. 

I have become weak in fear of being weak.  Ironic how the fear of what we may become actually influences what we do become in the long run.  I want to have that feeling of waking up, feeling my purpose.  I want to wake up to feel I have something to offer the world.  I want to fall in love with someone who doesn't leave.  I want my children to be happy, to know they can accomplish anything.  I want to say "It's a beautiful day because I have all I need within my life at this very moment."  In attempting this, I am going to start looking at what it is that truly makes me happy, and what it is that is hurting me the most.  Logging this to not forget, I hope that a week from now, a month and a year from now I will look back and see someone who, once afraid of her own shadow, has walked toward the light of happiness and actually found it.

Not Over You

"Not Over You"

Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful - face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood - and I realize

[Chorus]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm - not over you (not over you)

Damn, damn girl you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you

[Chorus]

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...

"How r u doin?"

It is funny how, in the midst of an emotional storm, we welcome the tiniest of distractions.  And, as long as this distraction does not in some way remind of the emotional storm, you are able to continue on the path to healing.  But it is a very thin line drawn in the sands of your heart should your heart be unable to distinguish between the pain of your storm, and the the ability to move on.  That thin line can place you right back at square one, back in the turmoil and upheaval that is overwhelming.  

I do not like square one.  If it could be removed, life would be so much easier.  All the progress one can make is instantly removed when crossing that line...and this is where I am right now.  Right back at square one.  That place where all the memories are again fresh in my mind, and my dreams are being held captive by these memories.  My desires are locked away, tightly under lock and key, and my pain is closer to the surface than it was a few days ago.  

What am I supposed to say when asked how I am doing? "I am hurting, trying to keep it together at work, but crying myself home in my car.  This whole situation has screwed me up so much that I am not sure how to trust another human, much less believe you actually give a damn as you ask me. I was doing great until you came in and swept me off my feet as you threw me off the cliff of emotions. Why was I not good enough? Why was it that I gave you my heart, and you took advantage of it?" 

Would it be better to give thanks for how I am feeling?  "Thanks for making me doubt all that is good, all that is healthy? Thanks for making me feel so undesirable as a person?  Thanks for taking a piece of my heart, using it as a toy for your own whims? Thanks for making me feel at any minute the rest of the world will fall apart?"

Would it be better to lie, as I am doing to the rest of the world when asked how I am? "Life is great, everything is coming together as I wanted it to, and I don't think of you at all.  I am feeling so happy with where things are, and thankful for all the beauty in my life."

The truth is that there is no easy way for me to answer that question without exposing my true feelings.  I can't shut off those emotions.  To the world, to those who do not know me, I probably seem like I am fine.  Inside, however, I feel my heart is shattered into a million pieces still.  To be over this would be better, but here I am again, square one... 

In the heart of hearts, when asked how I am doing, I would like to say "I'm great."  The longer I feel this pain, and share it, the more control someone else has over my own dreams. The methods in which I am coping may not be the best.  In my heart of hearts I would love to never allow you to know how broken I am, how much this has taken from me.  In my heart of hearts I would love to never allow you to know each day feels like my heart is breaking again as I wake up from dreaming that all that has occurred was just one horrible nightmare I have finally awoken from.  I guess once I am out of the emotional storm I will have finally woken up...and hope that when it happens I am able to never feel this way again.

Be courageous in your actions

Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

This has been a week of many changes within the company I work for.  We have had a transition of titles, transition of ownership, transition of how the business may ultimately be ran.  With so much change, one can become extremely anxious, worried about what the future may hold for them.  

Within this change, someone I admire greatly is exiting the company as the Chief Learning Officer. While I am unsure if this was a decision made due to the new acquisition of the company, or a decision made on his own accord, I am greatly sorry to see him leave.  It is not often you have someone in an executive position who is easy to approach, easy to speak with and share ideas.  It is not often you find someone in an executive position who is willing to ask questions of those within the departments they oversee for ideas, for cooperation, and to learn more about you as a singular individual rather than "That is Ruthe from IT..."  I would call this an example of being courageous in actions.

Often our actions lead a person to assume a certain level of character.  Others are able to judge who we are based on our actions, how we treat others, how we carry ourselves. Being courageous in actions is much more than someone rushing in to offer an opinion, or be seen simply to be seen by those who are considered important.  Being courageous in our actions often times is done in a very quiet manner, without regard of how others will view your actions.  It is not about being seen doing something great, or telling others about your wonderful contributions...it is about doing something that you feel within your heart to be the right decision or the right action.  

This world is cruel.  We have so many outside forces attempting to shift and hurl us from one side to the other.  We have those who instigate trouble between others, those that meddle when meddling is not needed.  We have those who simply do not care about the world around them, having becoming numb due to the negativity and pain that has occurred within their lives.  Some learn from an early age to stay quiet, stay in the background, let someone else speak up because it hurts when we are denied or have our own ideas unrecognized. 

There are a variety of actions to consider courageous.  Being someone who has a high regard for those within the military, and the efforts they make on a daily basis to attempt safety for millions they have never met before is clearly an act of courage.  Those who stand up for the rights of others, unwilling to waiver in their support is an act of courage.  Those that sit quietly, talking to and listening to a child talk about their dreams is an act of courage.  That simple letter you send to someone to tell them thank you, the email you send when learning about someone's exodus, or quietly telling someone they are doing a good job.  Those are acts of courage.  Those are the actions I hope to be remembered for, the simple things I do to make someone else happy within their own world, to feel appreciated, and feel important.

Baseball is more loyal than some people I know

Within the description area of my work IM, I list my priorities.  1. God, 2. Family, 3. Baseball.  My co-workers have joked with me that baseball should be moved to the #1 spot, having God shift to the #2 spot with my love of the game.  I am not great at statistics, but can tell you that I would rather be at a field than any place else in the world.  I am a contradiction with who makes me stop in my tracks (Lou Gehrig of the New York Yankees, in case you were wondering) verses who my teams are (Angels and Red Sox).  I have a deep reverence for those who came before...the variety of early gambling to negro league hypocrisy, the days where talent mattered more than the question of using a substance to help you perform. 

I told my friend Robbie today that I am always the happiest at a ball field.  It was in a wall posting on Facebook when I told him:

"I have decided that I am happiest when at a ball field...no joke...I could be in the worst mood, but put me in front of a green field, a bat, and a ball and all of a sudden I am a little kid being handed cotton candy in Disneyland!"

It is true, however.  This summer has been less than stellar.  I have been mending a broken heart, trying to determine what my day is now that my routine I once knew has been disrupted.  While the actual heart break occurred a few months back, it has been baseball that keeps me smiling.  There is something about watching the game that lets me know everything is going to be okay.  Win or lose, there is always a game tomorrow, another pitch to be made, another swing of the bat to hear crack, another commentary if watching on television that I will either like or dislike.  But it is always there for me.  

Baseball, while it is just a sport, has been more loyal than some of the people I know.  Definitely more loyal than the cause of my heartbreak, more loyal than some friends, more loyal than the sun shining in Phoenix in the summer...it has brought me from the depths of drudgery to among the living.  It has reminded me to always do my best, that even when things seem hopeless there is always that slim chance things will come out in a positive way. 

In a summer where I really wanted to stay under the covers, not let the world know my pain, and pretty much call in sick, baseball has been the saving grace.  This has been the best series personally for me, thus far.  I have attended amazing Spring Training games, attended Opening Day at Chase Field for the Diamondbacks, traveled to see my teams play in Anaheim against each other, witnessed more extra-inning games both on television and in person than ever before, watched a game from the Owner's Suite at Chase, saw Luis Gonzalez hit a home run in a softball game with the likes of Fred Lynn, Ernie Banks, Rollie Fingers, and Ricky Henderson, along with former teammates from the 2001 World Series team, Matt Williams and Mark Grace.  And tomorrow, I am lucky enough to attend the All-Star game.  All in all, baseball has been the reason for my smile, the reason I can engage in life due to the constant need to know the scores and standings. 

My baseball friends are some of the most loyal friends I have.  Regardless of the fact I happen to follow not just one team, but two, they are still there for me, congratulating me on the other team's win, as long as they are not playing against each other.  Then, let's face it, all bets are off.  We sit and talk about the bad calls, the terrible umpires, the other team's offense, our offense, our defense, what we are going to do about someone not hitting well, and how happy we are that another is out of his slump.  We have nicknames we call the players, we even nickname the other teams and their players.  And we do this out of pure love for something that never seems to let us down.  Yes, my teams may not be winning the pennant every year, but they are still out there, rain or shine, trying to do their best.

It reminds me of the scene from "Fever Pitch".  The characters are asking themselves why they even bother attending the games, following the team, putting themselves through the misery of another loss at the World Series...this was, of course, before 2004.  In fact, the movie had to be re-shot due to the boys winning the pennant that year.  

Troy: Why do we inflict this on ourselves?
Ben: Why? I'll tell you why, 'cause the Red Sox never let you down.
Troy: Huh?
Ben: That's right. I mean - why? Because they haven't won a World Series in a century or so? So what? They're here. Every April, they're here. At 1:05 or at 7:05, there is a game. And if it gets rained out, guess what? They make it up to you. Does anyone else in your life do that? The Red Sox don't get divorced. This is a real family. This is the family that's here for you.

I have never felt cheated or lied to from within the field walls of a stadium.  I have never had to walk away, feeling betrayed or dismayed.  I may be disappointed from a loss, but there is always that distant glimmer of hope that tomorrow will be better, and 9 times out of 10 it typically is.  I have never felt lonely while looking out at a field, regardless if it is pre-game, game, or post-game time.  Within those walls I feel safe.  Within those walls, I can be the person I am - sometimes loud and vivacious, and at other times pensive and in deep contemplation.  That green grass always offers promises, hopes, dreams, and above all, faith within something bigger than myself because it is a collective effort for victory.  It isn't just one person out there, trying to do their best, it is a group of people, everyone from the pitcher to the short stop, to the manager, to the dude passing out water or the fan who claps with joy that make up a victory.  I am never alone within that environment.  I am always surrounded by people who are there for a common goal - to enjoy a damn good game of baseball.  

The tides within my heart

"So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go. Cause everything ain't what I used to know. And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more. There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost."

~ Bobby Simmons Jr., "Ghost in the Machine"

That feeling...that lonely terrible feeling where you feel like a ghost roaming within the shell of your own life...all the haunts of the past continuously gracing your presence to remind you that you are not over the pain...the moments as raw and fresh as if they had happened seconds ago instead of some longer undefined time....

Living like a ghost in my own life...that would be the perfect description of how I am doing.  I am becoming tired of these thoughts of regret, thoughts of things and people lost, thoughts of sadness and heartbreak...I sometimes feel my loss has been multiplied over and over by decisions made that were not what I wanted, but easier for him.  Those actions I took based on decisions that can never be erased, never changed, never brought back.  

In this, I feel I lost more than just a relationship.  I lost something within myself.  I no longer have the ability to feel sympathy or empathy for others.  It is not that I do not care; I am just so lost within my pain I don't seem to notice the world or those surrounding me.  Now, I am feeling more like a ghost than a person among the living.  I navigate through moments within my today, to moments in the past...dates that would only mean something if we were still together...the emotions I feel come over me in waves.  One moment, the tide has swelled, and I am swept away.  I am swept to a moment in the past where I can literally smell him, almost feel his touch, hear his laugh, and that warmth when he would look at me.  In being swept away, I fall apart.  I slip into the water, and have that drowning sensation overwhelm me, gasping for air, attempting to grasp onto anything to maintain my head above the sea of emotions.  The next moment, that same tide has receded back into the oceans it came from.  I am back in the moment of today, I am focusing on what I should focus on, and able to feel my feet standing upon the solid ground again rather than searching for the depths of water.

My world has been turned upside down.  Nothing as I had previously known is the same.  And the future feels so intimidating to me.  I would love to grab the pieces of my heart, bottle of glue, and piece things together as I remember my heart before I felt it break...

The downside to being a turtle

I am a turtle by nature, hiding within my shell when pain becomes too great to greet the world with a kind hello.  I would like to say this is a great way to deal with pain, but it is not.  In the past few months, I have shut many out of my life, and not even intentionally.  It was not the intent to stop talking to a specific person...it has been everyone.  The only people I seem to be able to share things with is my sister, who is miles away and unable to offer me a hug when I so desperately need one.

Where is that person who used to laugh, who could feel the warmth of sunshine not only on her face, but radiating from within her as well?  I can't remember the last time I felt truly joyful to wake up in the morning, unafraid of what the world has to offer on a new day.  I can't remember the last time I felt satisfied, or able to look around and enjoy what I saw.  I feel so numb.

I feel numb toward others, and their thoughts.  It is not that I do not care, it is just that I am in this world of darkness that allows me to not see the direction, nor the door knob to let someone in, to bring in the light.  I don't want to talk about things with others.  I don't want to share my thoughts for fear of having my emotions exposed.

I feel so broken I am not sure how to talk about it.  I am feeling so hurt within my life, I am not sure how to include others into this realm without feeling like I am revealing too much.  I feel incredibly lost, incredibly tired, and very weary most of my days.  My nights are spent with restless sleep, trying to just make it to the morning when I can revert to the cycle again that involves keeping quiet, focusing on my work, and really not talking to others.

And while it may be nice to hide away, quietly residing in your own pain, not letting others know when you are hurting, there is a downside.  That downside when you have to face the music, explain why you may have not been as communicative as you once were.  In the beginning of my painful couple of months, I was actually doing better.  I was talking to others, able to express myself, and even starting the process of moving forward passed the pain I was feeling.  But, several things happened that forced me to question my trust within others again.  Decisions I didn't want to make suddenly were pressing their ugliness upon my life.  And in the end, I took 10 steps backward for each one step of progress I had made.

And now, it seems the past week has been time for me to face the music.  I am terrified to open up again, afraid to allow someone to hear about my pain, or the fact that I am still further behind than where we know I could be.  Worse, I have unknowingly hurt those that may or may not have known about the struggles I am having due to my silence.

A friend sent me a text message asking what she had done to have me stop talking to her.  My heart broke.  This is someone who has done absolutely nothing to me; has been a great friend, someone who I can trust.  But due to my turtle in the shell feelings, I have not been calling.  I didn't want her to feel responsible to bear the weight of my pain, and hear it over and over again.  I didn't want her to worry, to feel she needed to try to make me happy, or do anything for me, really.  It was something I was struggling with, and needed to figure it out on my own.  In trying to call her, I received her voice mail.  In sending a text message back I felt as if so much was lacking within me at that moment to not talk to her, reassure her that things between us as friends was okay, I was just in pain.

I received a text message from someone I had been dating that said "Sweetie, tell me the real reason u stopped with me."  It felt like I had been stabbed as I read the message.  The reason was not related to him but due to all the things going on within my own life.  Difficulties with a past relationship that made me feel uneasy about trusting someone else, and the decisions that resulted due to that relationship.  There was no undercut reasoning that went back to him; it was just one of those things.  When we dated, I had a great time with him.  I enjoyed his company, could talk to him for hours on the phone.  But it was the scars of my past that resurfaced to create this great barrier of uncertainty.  I remember sending him a text, telling him I had been busy with family things, which at the time was , and apologizing for not calling.  I couldn't let him know the extent of my pain.  In revealing where I was emotionally would have been hard due to the fact I liked him, cared about him, and secretly thought he didn't need me intruding upon his life, bringing my own version of a tornado into his life.  How am I supposed to tell him all that has happened that quite frankly has left me feeling like a ship-wrecked victim, beaten by the waves upon the rocks of the shore.

Sometimes, hiding within my shell is good.  It is safe, no one there to hurt me.  There is nothing but the silence of my own thoughts, the quiet of my own storms brewing inside that I just don't feel like discussing with others.  But the downside is I have left those that actually care wondering what they did wrong.  Intentions aside, that is worse than my own hurt; knowing I have possibly caused someone else pain.

and this is what it feels like

I often wonder why...why can't I just get over this...why does the pain still feel so fresh in my heart...why won't my mind just move past this.  I remember talking about this with you...how we both wondered how others were able to move on so easily...neither of us knowing what the future held for us, and how one year to the date you have been that person we didn't understand...that person who has been able to move forward so easily while I sit in pain...

Maybe you haven't moved forward as much as you have made aims to portray to the world...maybe you have moved further than I realize.  In either situation, however, I'm still grieving for you as if you walked out only seconds ago.  I am still driving in my car, tears welled up, ready to escape like a thief running from the scene of a crime.  I am still attempting to find the blessings in your absence from my world, and still trying to pretend I am okay, and that the world didn't stop when you and I last saw one another.  The past months have only served the purpose of waking, working, sleeping, and repeat...my body continues to function, but my spirit is gone, my desire to laugh diminished, my will to move on without you is gone.

I want you.  As foolish as this desire, it is still real.  I move through my days wondering what I could have done to create a different reality than that in which I reside.  The thought of being with someone else escapes me.  I can pretend for a few moments, allow another in for the briefest of time, but always come back to missing you, longing for your touch again, your voice encircling my world, and the love I still feel is to present and fresh in my mind to release your memory or the thought of you into the past.

My dreams are invaded by our time together. I can smell you still, see your smile, feel that warmth of your touch upon my skin.  I am transported to another time where being together, seeing each other, travel considerations, and reunions were possible.  I am reminded of how it felt to just sit next to you, or that feeling of knowing that by hearing your voice my day was instantly better. Something as simple as a time of day reminds me of you, and my heart is breaking at each moment of my day.  I haven't moved forward, not even a step.  I sometimes feel I have taken steps backwards, in the opposite direction from healing.

My desire to share my thoughts with those that care has been removed.  Why bother rehashing all my thoughts and feelings when I haven't been able to make a conclusion other than remaining in my pain.  What am I supposed to do?  Inflict my pain upon others?  Retell my pain over and over? Why bother doing that to someone else...it is much easier for me to just stick to myself, to not burden others with the pain.  In the end, I am the only one able to correct or fix myself; they could tell me all their soltions and remedies but I am not ready to listen or let you go yet.  I don't know how...

So, I sit...I sit, knowing you aren't coming back. I sit, swallowed by all the moments that happened a full year ago, wondering how we got to the place we are now. I sit, knowing you have moved on, I sit wishing you still wanted me...and knowing that is a dream that will never maintain a glimpse of reality again.  My mind knows you are gone.  My heart is unable to comprehend this as a possibility.  This is my reality now; this is how it feels to be in love with someone who does not love you.

Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't

An old man once said, 

"There comes a time in your life, 
when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. 

You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. 

Forget the bad, and focus on the good. 

Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. 

Life is too short to be anything but happy. 

Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

I love that quote above.  Such wisdom and courage within those words.  Words only someone who has walked away from people and drama would understand.  Words only someone who is surrounded by those who create joy could of comprehend it's importance.  Words only someone who has experienced the bad could have the clarity to differentiate the good, and feel blessed for both.  Words of someone who has been residing in an atmosphere of love and hate, of happiness and sorrow, of falling down a few times, but getting up more could say.  These are the words of someone who has lived, who had the courage to live.

In more ways than one, I need to embrace the words of an old man who has learned much through his older eyes upon his own journey.  I have much to learn, much to express, and much to give - and I need to discover the best ways of doing all three to benefit myself and those I love in my life. 

That need to walk away from drama and those that I am hurt by seems to be very relevant lately. I am great at walking away from the drama - I seem to fail, however, in letting it go within my heart.  I have a hard time letting go. Once someone has entered my heart, it seems I am unable to find the key to let them out.  And right now I am so desperately needing some of them to exit.  My mind consistently is in a tug of war with my heart.  My mind knows I should let go, but my heart still has those feelings of love, of caring, of compassion.  I am caught up every waking moment.  I drive home from work, in the comfort of my car, crying the entire way home at the thought of missing, of longing, of needing.  And for this, I beat myself up for.  I need to release for myself; my holding on is not of thought or consequence to them. But those that I have allowed within my heart, while their physical presence is not apparent, their essence still lingers as if they never left.

I write to express my thoughts.  I often have great difficulty in verbally expressing my thoughts in terms of conflict, of pain.  My mind races with all the items scattered similar to fall leaves scattered on the ground.  No rhyme, no reason to others. At times, there is no rhyme or reason even to myself.  Herein lies the difficulty. Because by the time my mouth has caught up to my mind, I have said something I possibly regret.  I tend to apologize for my words.  The last thing I want to do is hurt someone with my words.  In prefacing my words with "I hope this does not insult you..." typically it leads the other person to be offended and not even listen.  I wish I could speak more eloquently.  I wish I could be able to express myself in other methods besides paper and pen, or keyboard and monitor. I have shut down recently, unable to talk with anyone about the needs of my heart, my mind, and soul.  And sadly, even writing is difficult, and riddled with the fear I am writing the same words over and over without realizing it...I am trying to work things out, but there is such a thing as beating a dead horse...am I doing that?

I don't know if tomorrow will offer a different view from my heart.  I don't know if tomorrow I will wake up, and everything I have written will no longer be true.  I don't know if tomorrow I will finally, FINALLY, feel like myself again.  I don't know if I will be able to pick myself up, dust off the yesterdays, and walk again, one step in front of the other, until I am able to run with lighthearted remembrances, knowing I am moving toward something for myself rather than running away from something that withholds shadows of the past, and someone I can no longer have, but am still in love with.

And so I sit, in heartache. It seems at this point, the only thing I have been able to accomplish is the ability to pray for him; pray he is happy, pray he is doing okay.  Pray he has been able to do what he needs to do, for himself, and that his today is not filled with as much pain as mine.  This is an ongoing, every day prayer, several times a day.

Without the rain, there would be no rainbow

Copyright (c) Ahmed Sharif, 2006 http://www.flickr.com/photos/desherchobi/

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
~ Jerry Chin

I love rain. I have a location I like to drive to during the summer monsoon storms where I can see a view of the Phoenix skyline.  I can see the occasional lightening strikes, watch the drops fall from the skies above to reach my skin.  And even though I am in the middle of a busy city, I am in a spot very few know of, or would think to go. I also live in the desert where rain is seen rarely, appreciated greatly, and valued highly.  During these moments in my secret location I am surrounded by peace.  That peace I so desperately desire within my daily life filled with it's own storms of a different sort that, at times, show no sign of a rainbow to occur.

If only the storms within my life could be solved by a drive, a skyline, and a moment of cleansing such as I receive on my summer storm drives I take.  If only I was as strong as the wildflowers able to withstand the downpours we are known to receive, yet still maintain my ability to stand straight, appear to the world as I did before. I have been fortunate in my entire life to be surrounded by those who are strong - who resemble the wildflower.

My heart has recently suffered loss that my mind can't even comprehend.

Yet, the past few months have not been the cause or source of my pain, rather a simple continuation of sadness, a continuation of defeat, a continuation of this hole upon my heart that seems to grow bigger with each passing day.

Some days it feels this hole grows exponentially by the second.  Other days it feels that I am recooperating as if I have been suffering from some type of illness, and health is just around the corner.

But the truth is, I don't know if health is just around the corner...I have no way of knowing that.

I am weary of needing to be strong, to portray an image of strength and stability to the world.  I do not feel strong.  Others opinions of my strength is due to not knowing the true pain within my heart.  They see someone who is able to stand straight, when the opposite is actually closer to the truth.  My strength is a cover for the extreme sensitivity encompassing my world.  For once, I wish someone who hold me up, tell me and show me things will be okay.  For once, I would like someone to say "I believe in you, believe in your ability, and I am going to stand by your side always to remind you." instead of the "I am just not sure about (insert any excuse, comment, or thought I have heard within the past few months, the past few years, the past few decades), and need some time."  For once, I wish I could have that ability to let my guard down. 

I am stuck at this horrible crossroad within my life where each direction I look, I only see fog covering the path.  I am unable to see where the light may be, or if there is even a light at all.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to trust someone.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel joy, that unadulterated satisfying joy you only find within yourself.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel beautiful, to feel appreciated, to feel loved.  And right now, because I can't seem to conjure those feelings for myself, I am unable to allow others in to see that glow I may possess.  I am a child, hiding behind the legs of my father again, hoping to become invisible to the world when spoken to.  Yet, that does not happen.  Instead of becoming invisible, I feel I am completely naked and exposed in my emotion, in my pain, in the latest developments of whatever feeling is going on at this moment.  And, so sitting here, overcome with emotion, I have a tear-stained face, blurry eyes, and sinking feeling within my soul.  I have no resolution in sight, no real glimmer of hope, and only utter sadness.  I feel lonely even when surrounded by those I care about.  I feel this overwhelming despondency within an instance of happiness.  And I wish I could just stop it all...I wish I could just feel that peace I feel when watching the rain fall in my secret watching spot.

I hide away from the world.  I have stopped interacting with those who have shown themselves to not be trustworthy in an attempt to save me from further discomfort.  I have hidden my heart, the essence of my spirit from those who have always loved me.  In describing this to my sister, I have said I am like a turtle in her shell - protecting myself from the outside world while not letting anyone into my hiding place.  I have started analyzing the intentions of others, and where they may be headed with those intentions.  I don't have energy to invest time to waste on individuals who instigate hurt based on meddling, based on gossiping, and based on deception or omission.  Yet, at the same time, I have also placed upon my time the inability to share my frustrations with those who have not hurt me, who have not displayed insincere actions. I certainly do not feel like the wildflower, bending with the rain yet standing tall within the proceeding sunshine that always comes.

When I started writing this post, I had a different plan for the words I was typing than what I has evolved and the post I am now finishing with.  I have contemplated these words now for several days, and it seems I always have a blindfold upon my mind, unsure of where to navigate, and my heart feels bound by heavy chains as I attempted to complete this.  I am standing in the midst of this current storm where a majority of what I feel is panic.  There is no life vest or life boat rescuing me, the umbrella is not working as well as it should, and my feet are cold and damp. In my greatest of fears, I wonder if I'll see the rainbow that will come at the end of this storm, and it terrifies me. 

Life moves, with or without you

Life...such a beautiful complexity of turmoil and joy.  

Life...filled with so many amazing moments.  

Life. 

It is hard to imagine my life without those moments of turmoil and joy.  After all, aren't those the moments that defined who I am?  Aren't those the moments that established my thoughts, my habits, my fears, my beliefs?  Aren't those moments what have shaped faith within my soul?  And regardless of how much I request the sun not rise in the morning when I am in turmoil, there is always a sweet joy when I see that new day dawn.

I am trying.  I am attempting to move forward, to not look to the past for sympathy.  I am attempting, hard as I might, to trust those who are in my world.  I am attempting each day to view the world as a place of hope, a place where dreams will come true, even if they were not the dreams I started out with.  Each new day offers me the ability to realize more than I had yesterday, prepare for tomorrow, and try to enjoy the very minute I am in right now.

It is an ever increasing battle to not allow previous experience or worries of the world cloud my judgement for decision-making.  If I allowed those to take hold, I would not be able to step out of my house.  For all those that I willingly gave my trust and respect to, only to have them disrespect me with their inability to maintain my trust is reason alone to not step out.  But for each person this has happened with, they have given me blessings beyond measure - they taught me about pain, about hurt, about strength.  For all those that broke my heart, treating it as an option within their lives, they have taught me the value of love that is unconditional from not only my Heavenly Father, but also the love I am able to give.  For all those who caused issues within my life, they remind me of how sacred a life in peace is.  For all those who misused my friendship, who dashed my hopes, or did not live up to what they presented themselves as - they have given me a guideline for what I do want in my life.

All those moments all have given me a road map for what I do want in my life.  Instead of disrupting my faith, they have given me the hope to know things will not always be as they are when I am suffering.  There is more for me to accomplish, more to do.  There is more for me to see, more to offer. 

Life moves on.  

I am either moving with it, or I am being run over by it.  

And I am not choosing the latter. 

I miss him

I was going through old emails, text messages, pictures, general things I have held onto for fear of letting them go.  It is in keeping them I am reminded of what was.  In keeping them, I am also reminded of what could have been.  Right now, I have nothing but sadness in my heart.  Bitter-sweet are the words that were shared at one time.  Right now, my heart feels so heavy, my head feels as if it is spinning, and my world still feels out of sorts. 

The truth is that while I am trying with all my might to get over things, it isn't working.  It isn't working in my heart to erase the love I still feel.  It isn't working in my mind to simply think of something else.  The hardest part of letting go is knowing that in letting go you can never return.  Even worse, I am not sure I want to let go.  I am not sure even how to let go.  Today after work I cried myself home.  I prayed, pleaded with the Lord to release the thoughts I have.  Part of me wants to release, and the other part wants back what I had.  And somehow, I don't think either is correct 100%.

I am not sure given all the obstacles how he feels.  I have tried to not assume.  I have tried to just take what I know, leave it, and allow him to move on.  His request for a break was compounded by my knowledge of him seeing someone else before our talk of a break; why would I want to hold him back from that.  Isn't that the opposite of what you do when you love someone?  You don't confine them, you don't own them.  You allow them to be who they are.  How do I tell him that I am hurt by his own actions, but would rather he be happy with someone else than feel lonely while with me being 2,500 miles away? Yes, I know I deserve more than someone who may be seeing other people while trying to determine what I am to him.  That is not what I envision my life to be, that is not what I want to be a part of.  But tell that to my heart - it doesn't listen right now. I spent so long focusing on how to love him, how to show him my feelings, how to encourage and support him that I didn't see this coming.  And once it happened, once I knew what was going on past what he was telling me, I had to release due to that love.  I had to feel hurt in order to let him go.  I had to listen to details provided to me from others due to his inability to share with me.  Was that wrong?  Was that the worst thing I could have done in the situation I was in, given all I knew and found out?  In the end, I still miss him.  In the end, I still am crying over him.  In the end, my life hasn't changed since our talk - the only difference is that he and I talk infrequently, and our talks are centered around difficult decisions.

My heart is broken.  My spirit is broken.  My soul feels so lonely and I am not sure how to feel.  I lack trust on so many different levels, yet desperately cling to memories, to words via text or email.  How do I share this without feeling like once again my heart will be crushed.  I am smart enough to know that my feelings may not be reciprocated.  I am smart enough to know that I should not look back, but look forward.  But that is all mind over heart.  And my heart sadly always wins, or loses depending upon how you look at it.  Advise has been given, and while it hasn't fallen on deaf ears, it is still something I am trying to accept.

In recent conversations with him he is passive aggressive, letting me know he is upset by things I have said.  Clarity and care I think are needed on both ends. How do I tell him all the thoughts in my heart without alienating him, hurting him worse?  How can I tell him that I am still in love with him, and because I am still in love I keep my distance.  No one can understand that feeling unless they have been in my shoes.  There have been so many things between us, so many moments of confusion and pain that I am not sure he will understand where I am coming from.  I didn't want to have things end; I was contemplating a huge move to be closer to him, thought of all options of how to make things work, and do not understand why he chose the route he took.  I don't understand why I feel so discarded, so alone, so truly abandoned.  All I know is that I miss him, I miss what we shared, I miss talking, I miss laughing with him, our little jokes, the calls, the texts.  I miss his friendship, I miss his support; I just miss him.

I don't know how long it will take for my heart to feel mended. I am not sure how long it may take before I feel like I can smile without reservation, trust without fear, love without wondering when it will end.  I don't know how I can move forward while I am remaining in the past.  I wish my heart would snap back from this and I was on the road to another happiness, but until then I just wish my heart would not ache when hearing his voice, when seeing his name, when thinking about him, or seeing a picture of him.  I wish I would be able to just allow the Lord to help me move on.

Can you keep a secret?

I have noticed recently that I am lacking patience and trust for others.  Not just patience and trust, but I am standing guard, awaiting their attack upon the fortress of my heart.  I am waiting for others to find the weakness within my walls, send in their troops, and attack at a full-speed ahead motion.  In those I know I can trust, they have not failed me.  In those I question, they seem to have failed me at levels of disappointment I didn't realize I could have.

What is it that we need to accomplish in order to not have feelings of mistrust and impatience toward others?  I often tell my son that if he does not want the world to know something, he should not tell his sister.  If he chooses to tell her something important upon his own heart, he is placing into her hands a secret weapon she may be able to use against him, both intentionally and unintentionally.

The sentiment often comes about that during joyous and difficult times you discover who you are, and you discover who your true friends are.  Those that remain with you, those that maintain friendship, those that keep your fears, your anguish, your hopes, your dreams as they would keep theirs - close to their heart and not shared with the world.   It is rare to find a union with another person such as this.  So rare, we tend to hide away, not letting others in for fear our fortress walls will be damaged by those in our life.

In life, it seems, it is far better to protect ourselves with imaginary walls that cannot be shattered, rather than creating a door in which others may enter.  We have learned from previous experience that a door works not just one direction - the direction into our hearts and lives.  A door also allows others to walk away from our hearts, from our lives, and out into the world where we no longer have the ability to control what may happen. We no longer have the ability to control what may be said, or done.  We no longer have the ability to protect what is ours, and ours alone - momentarily shared with another to use intentionally or unintentionally against us.  And that union, that bond, may forever be broken if we learn our secrets have been made into gossip fodder, where the lines of truth, exaggeration, and falsehood are often blurred. 

So, this is where I sit, lying en wait for the next attack.  This is where I sit, listening to someone tell me I have shared with the world what was on my heart, when really it has been done in such different methods.  I have written about my pain, but not in a detailed dialogue that would cause true damage, unless you are the one who created the turmoil and feel some sort of shame regardless if you admit to this.  I have not shared the very intimate goings-on of my life as other close friends have opted to do without my knowledge.  I walk around and amongst friends, wondering what all they may know due to the breach of confidence that has occurred.  And I have built walls again; walls that had once been doors with the ability to enter and leave, feeling safe that my feelings would not be seen as tabloid news. One day I will learn from my mistakes, one day I will grow, one day I will be a scholar in the knowledge of how to share correctly.

Really, I am not too surprised by the events that have unfolded.  I know far too much about others lives based on those that can't seem to keep their mouth shut.   I know intimate details of people's relationships, personal accounts, work history, friendships that are not any of my business to know about.  But the difference is that information is not shared with others.  When someone I know has the courage, strength, and need to share information with me I don't want to share it with others.  I have learned the hard way as the one on the other end that when it is revealed you shared information that was not yours to share, it only causes pain and destruction.

In picking up the brick and mortar to build this wall I have discovered the level of truth, exaggeration, and falsehood that has been created.  Those that taut this information to the world can be overheard saying they don't want to be in the middle of anything.  Those that relay this information back to me, the friend rather than the frenemy, in an attempt to confirm the information that was shared to them through another source are now also caught in the battle of my heart.  They are there to help create this wall, constructing the wall with me to keep others out. . 

The stars are talking to me?

Maybe I am a fool for reading this stuff.  Maybe I am someone who hopes for her future, looking into every avenue she can to discover more about herself. But the Weekly Love Horoscope and the Daily Horoscope for today seem to align with my current feelings, emotions, expressions...all those silly things we feel within us but have the greatest fear of expressing to others...the secrets of our hearts where, if exposed, we may feel naked within the world filled with nothing more than others who are clothed.                         Weekly Love Horoscope  By Jeff Jawer

For the week of May 30, 2011 The sentimental Cancer Moon pushes your emotional buttons this weekend, yet it's hard to know whether you want to go forward or in reverse as feelings can change so suddenly. Friday is especially edgy with romantic thunderstorms looming on the horizon. Saturday's atmosphere is more stable, allowing you to think more clearly about whom and what you really want, then Sunday's Leo Moon gives you the green light to cut loose and finally have some fun. Today's Daily Horoscope  By Rick Levine powered by DailyHoroscope.com Saturday, Jun 4, 2011 -- It's not that there's anything specifically wrong; it's just that you may not have the luxury of speaking your mind in an unedited fashion today. Sharing your worries might send someone you like into an emotional tailspin, intensifying the drama. Instead, be smart and help others feel more at ease with what's happening now. Ultimately, being sensitive is a much wiser approach than telling everyone exactly what you think. All About Pisces February 19 - March 20 Fish act as one when swimming with their schools, and just as each fish is part of a greater whole, you Pisces Fish are more aware of interdependency than any other zodiac sign. It's as if you live in an ocean and the spirit that flows through you is one that flows through all fishes. The symbol of the Fish is also the symbol of Christianity, the predominant religion during the past two thousand years -- also known to astrologers as the "Age of Pisces." As a Pisces, you are spiritual in nature and emotional in expression. Intuition and imagination are both your strengths and weaknesses, and you are attracted to the mystical side of things -- this can be dangerous, though, because the realm of imagination offers little structure to your everyday life. Without the foundation of reality, it becomes easy to flounder. Your own salvation, then, can come from helping others less fortunate than yourself -- those who have been caught in the currents of life and into addiction or spiritual confusion. Your motto might be "Reality is just a shared illusion," and, in a higher sense this may be true. Nevertheless, you still need to survive in this "shared illusion" of reality, which can sometimes become a struggle as you compassionate Fish often feel the pain of the world as if it were your own. There's no easy escape -- your best path is to follow a creative or spiritual pursuit while doing your work in the real world. The Pisces element is Water The waters of Pisces are the waters of consciousness itself. Just as Water is the element of emotion, the Water of Pisces connects each of us to one another in ways that go beyond the rational and into the sea of thoughts and beliefs.  Horoscope house: 12th The 12th house is like the astrological refuse collector. It's not about endings in the traditional sense; it's more about recycling. Here is where we brush up against our own limitations and see how they undo what we've done. Here is where it all dissolves into the boundless cosmos, only to be transformed and to start anew, back in the 1st house, all over again. Pisces' key planet: Neptune As the key planet for Pisces, Neptune is about the spiritual and the mystical. It's about what we cannot see with our five senses. Neptune was the God (or Goddess) of the Seas. She symbolizes the dissolution of reality, for all earth arises from the ocean and eventually to it returns. Neptune is represented by the mists, which prevent us from seeing what's really "out there." Instead, we must rely on our own imagination to guide us through the hidden realms. Your greatest strength You have compassion for those in need Your possible weakness Your confusion can be a disadvantage Sign information from: http://www.dailyhoroscope.com/horoscope-signs/pisces