I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention

I haven't written much this month. I could blame my busy life, which really is not that busy, the kids hectic school schedule, which is also not that hectic yet. Truth is, every time I sit down to write, I am conflicted with wanting to say so much, but yet having nothing worthy of writing. I am suffering from a case of feeling the minute I open my mouth, the other person will say, "I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention."

It has been a good month. I have been able to work, see my children grow a little taller, took some time to visit family and friends in California, and was able to see the person I am dating for an extended weekend. I have been able to experience new things, see new things, and enjoy my time.

The problem is not that I have not had anything to say, or share. No, it is more along the lines that I feel what I do have to say is riddled with shallow echoing of who I am. Tonight, I am at home, sitting in front of the computer, excited to go to San Diego in a few days, but yet feel so sad, and so lonely. I am constantly surrounded by those that care about me, yet I am feeling so empty. I wish I could pinpoint what it is that is bothering me, or what is "wrong". My nerves for the past week have also been shot, and I am feeling so very vulnerable at this time.

Sometimes, well, most times, I worry about the most insignificant of things to the rest of the world. Right now, I am worried that I will lose everything that is important to me. I am worried that those I care about most will not be there for me when I feel my world is caving in. I am worried that I may be replaced with a newer model or version of what I have to offer. And due to this feeling, I strive even harder to push the feelings aside. I work harder to make those around me feel loved, feel how important they are to me. I work harder to ensure my job is done correctly and with excellence. Yet, old haunts of situations in the past creep up and remind me that maybe what I am doing is not enough. That there could be someone who could replace me. That instead of making others feel their importance, I make them feel as I do right now - empty and afraid.

In my experiences, when I let others in I am always too vulnerable and viewed as a mess. When expressing my feelings they are brought back to be used as a weapon. When I give my all, my all is just short of what the other person wants. It is a constant struggle to wage war against these feelings, and feel my worth at times. It is a constant silent scream in a world filled with reminders that I was not good in other situations that are similar in my life, so what makes me feel, think, or dare to believe I won't repeat it. As strong as I seem to the outside world, and as faithful I am in my beliefs, I am still struggling nearly every day that I am a special person to someone in this world. I am struggling to believe that I can be loved, and be cherished. I am still struggling to overcome my fears brought forth by so many experiences in my past.

I do not doubt the love of my family. I do not doubt the strength of my faith. I just wish I could trust more in myself, and ease this weariness I feel. I wish I could feel the words I say are valued by those who hear them. I am sure tomorrow the feeling will subside. Something will happen to encourage me again; to press forward and believe. And maybe with a good night's rest, that will happen. But at this moment, I am feeling a bit blue, a bit sad, and a bit unlike who I strive to be.

You put the lime in the coconut

We live in a world of instant gratification. Instantly, we are able to talk to someone on the other side of the world by phone, text, or IM rather than waiting months for a letter to arrive at our door. We are able to instantly view pictures we take from cameras and share with friends and family instead of waiting for an image to be developed. We are able to travel to any destination not only by former methods of animal, car, or plane, but now also by computer for virtual tours. Our world is so quick, we forget what it actually means to work for what we need or want at times.

In this world of instant gratification, I am suffering from being in the company of those that also have the sense of entitlement for jobs not well done. I am suffering from their excuses as to why they cannot do something instead of their attempt to do whatever they can. I also suffer from other individuals and their allowance of such excuses, thus creating a tailspin of never working for what you want, but thinking you should have what you want without the work.

It used to be that when hired for a job, you would work hard at this position. If you failed to do your position, you were coached or fired. There was no room for someone saying it was everyone else's fault.

Now, this is the world we live in. A world where someone believes showing up for their job should be credit enough for a job not done. A world where superiors offer excuses for those not doing their job when all hands may be needed on deck. Excuses that only cripple all those effected.

To me, regardless of what the job may be, regardless of how remedial, manual, or labor intensive, you do the best you can at all times. You do this whether someone is monitoring you or not. You work whether the boss is standing over your shoulder, or you are working on your own. If faced with a situation where the work load is larger than normal, you work harder to get the job done. You are not looking for the pat on the back - the job being done is thanks enough. Not so of today's world. To think this, to do this is becoming rare. And for those who do not work, you are only frustrating those around you.

Everything from time you arrive to the office, to how you do your job is no longer an issue as it would have been 5, 10, or 15 years ago. Those who worked 50 years ago would be shocked at the rate of apathy within our workforce today. Running late on a consistent basis is not running late; it is more likely you are apathetic to the rules of when you are to be at the office. Making excuses for a job not done is not that you cannot do the job, or ran out of time; it is more likely you are apathetic to the rules of doing your work. As a superior making excuses for those who do not do their job does not mean you are a good boss; it is more likely you are apathetic to the others in your department and not paying attention. It is like putting lime in coconut, hoping to reinvent something that already exists, and not caring when told it is already around.

Is my best good enough

Have you ever looked around and your family, your friends, those people you love the most and wonder if you are doing the best you can for them? Are you making the most of your time, your endeavors, your acts of kindness or teaching toward them?

I sometimes wonder if what I am telling my children makes sense. Am I really making a meaningful change within their lives on a daily basis. My ROI may not be seen immediately. It could days, weeks, months, but more often than not it will be years to see if what I attempted to instill is resting in their heads, being used on a daily basis. What if I said the wrong thing when Em fell and had her heart broken. What if my poor example of relationships (at times) leads her down a path of distrust and pain. What if I didn't listen enough to Ty when he has questions and needs my support. Am I being too hard on them? Am I being too easy on them? Did they brush their teeth, put on clean underwear, take a shower today? Did I do my best to ensure they feel safe; did I do my best today to ensure they feel loved every moment I was around, and when I wasn't?

In my relationships, I have always been the person who gave more...or so I feel. I am a romantic at heart. I love being with someone who wants me to take care of them, who allows themselves to be vulnerable in my presence, realizing that this allows me to see who they are, their heart, their soul. I enjoy hearing the other person share their experiences, thoughts, dreams, accomplishments. I appreciate someone who is intelligent, and creates that great sense of wonder within me to discover more. This scenario I just described has not always been the case. I am that person who sends random cards to the person I am seeing now, just to remind him I am thinking of him, and want him to feel he is important, valued, missed when we are not near each other. I don't have to do this, I am not asked to do this - I do this because I know it will make him smile. Are my calls, texts, or IMs enough for him with regard to communication during the day? Do I listen to what he is saying without trying to figure out what I want to say next? Is this good enough? Does he feel my heart through the words I write, know my intentions are only from a place of joy? Do I provide a safe place for him to feel free to be himself, knowing I will still enjoy his company?

My friends and family are the utmost important connection in my life. I try to put their needs in front of my own if they are hurting, celebrating, or in need of a laugh. I don't show up empty handed at Christmas or birthdays; I am the happiest person giving someone a small trinket to show my appreciation. I tell my parents each time I see them, talk to them on the phone, or email them that I love them. I tell my brothers each time that I love them, and they are important to me. I share my thoughts of gratitude with my ex-in-laws as often as I can because I am so thankful to share my life with them, to have them share their life with me. Is this good enough? Do my friends and family know they are important to me not because of who they are, but because of what they bring to my life?

Is my best good enough for those with whom I love, take care of, and share my life with? The only thing I can do is attempt to do better than my best on a regular basis I suppose. Similar to the ROI with what I tell my children, family and friends may also have an undetermined length of time to determine this.

Hands down

I have ring tones within my phone that help me identify if or when I would like to answer the phone. Up until about 2 weeks ago when my phone had an emotional breakdown, pretty much every number in my phone had one of these ring tones...

Some of my ring tones are surprising to others...I have rap, cartoon themes, Christian, punk, rock, classic rock, alternative, college fight songs; pretty wide variety of song snippets. If someone calls that either does not have a ring tone, or a new number not programmed into my phone, I hear "My Girl." And of those with ring tones I have actually gone in and replaced since my phone melt down, my favorite is Dashboard Confessionals "Hands Down".

Yes, it may be my favorite song when someone calls me based on the person calling. Obviously, that sound makes my heart race, a smile cross my face at the thought of hearing the other person on the opposite end of the line. The light guitar playing, the lyrics singing out "My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer". I know that on the opposite end of the line is the voice I long to hear at any point during my day. It is the voice that instantly lifts my mood, and makes me forget about any issues that may be pressing at the moment.

It really is a shame that for this particular ring tone doesn't belt out my favorite part of the song. The part that makes me smile, makes me feel justified in why I chose this song for the caller. "Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, I'll always remember the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers..." This part of the song always reminds me of a first kiss, a first glance, a first encounter with someone where you actually feel your heart pumping the blood through your veins, and you are thankful to feel alive. It is the point where you finally have something realized, actualized, out of body experience you know you wanted, but didn't know the other person wanted until that exact moment in time. It is the pulse that races from sheer and utter exhilaration, joy, and elation. It is the most innocent moment of a kiss shared that makes you feel the world has melted, and you are the only two left. It is that amazing feeling like a kid again but experiencing the moment as an adult enjoying the moment, and not letting it go.

The reason for this song as the ring tone is due to all those wonderful things listed above. All those wonderful hopes, elation, excitements, exhilaration...Hands down, he makes me feel this way every time I hear his voice on the phone, see him in person, feel his touch, or smell the nape of his neck.

Attempting to not seem insecure makes me feel useless

Lately there has been this tumultuous feeling in the under belly of life. I can't explain what it is. If I could explain this, I wouldn't have to feel it as the under belly. It is this feeling that something more is going on than should be, yet at the same time it is less than what it should be. It is full of contradictions, full of waves of confusion, and the feeling of not really knowing whether to confront or deny. It is all of the what ifs, should, would, and could-haves, need-to-do's, and I don't understands all rolled into one thought process.

I have never been a person who is good at confrontation. Confrontation of issue tackling on a personal level is more than difficult to me. In all the world of confrontations, I sometimes would rather pull the blankets over my head than to face an issue. It isn't that I am worried facing the confrontation may result in my ultimate demise. It is not that I may not be able to have my way, or that I may be hurt in the long run. Most of my issues with confrontation come from not wanting to hurt someone else, make someone else feel less than, or disappoint someone. Most the time, that "someone" includes my parents, and those I am with in a relationship.

It is that feeling that something is off, or not right that can make me feel insecure. Insecurity is so difficult to admit, and never something offered as a compromise to another. I don't want to seem insecure to those I am close to. Insecurity to me is a sign of weakness. A sign that I have something deficient within me. Who would want to admit this to anyone? In not hearing from certain people I feel I have let them down or that they are less than pleased with me. I am not vying for attention, just wanting to know I am worth their while, worth their time, and seen in a higher esteem than I currently feel at this moment in time. I am not vying to have someones undivided praise or approval, just to know that I am doing a good job, that I am missed, or that I am held at a higher level of importance. In the end, I think we all long for this feeling. And those who attempt to mask this desire may be in need of the occasional "I miss you" or "good job" or "I find you well worth more than you could ever know" some days.

I am not one to go out and seek this attention in an unadulterated method. I won't scream from the top of my lungs that I am in need of a talk; if I don't reach someone on the phone I tend to believe they are busy and will get back to me when they can. I won't typically call someone out and say "Look at me!" as if I am a 2 year old. No. That is not what I do. Instead, I sit and ponder all scenarios in which I may have disappointed someone important to me. I will replay moments in my head over and over. Those tiny moments that I thought differently of, little words said, or even worse, left unsaid. In the end, I drive myself crazy over a situation I can not only not solve without the help of someone else, but also must admit I think something is off, be possibly seen as insecure in the process, to solve my questions.

Tonight I will sleep on this feeling. Tonight I will leave things alone as much as I can, and hope that in the morning this feeling is nothing more than just raw emotions going awry due to my lack of sleep or forethought.