What does a fan truly look like?

Jose Enciso - Biggest Angels fan I know

What does a baseball fan truly look like?  What does someone look like who spends their time following a team, cheering them on, devoting their valuable time to share their thoughts with others, spending money to watch their team, or buy merchandise?  Do they look like the person in the image above?  Does that face fit what our baseball world views as a true fan?  Maybe the biggest fan of all for his team?

A fan is not something that a team can cookie-cut to create.  We are all unique, diverse, and each sharing our own reasons for what teams we follow.  For a sport that once did not allow certain people to even play based upon skin color, opting to create a Negro League for talented men to play in, our fields are now scattered with men from all different walks of life, all different locations from around the world.  On any given team you will find someone who is more than likely not American by birth, and may not even be an American now, but still enjoying America's favorite pastime.  In today's baseball world, fans come in many different shapes, sizes, colors, nationalities, ethnicity, are both male and female. 

I am a baseball fan.  Anyone who knows me is very aware of this.  I have not always been a fan of this sport.  Truthfully, I am a newer fan, and my reasons for loving the sport started when I learned I was going to have a son.  I wanted a sport we could share together.  After relinquishing my fan-dom to anything NBA-related for the most part, never having the desire to actually watch a full Football game, and due to where I live, Hockey is not a primary sport.  So, baseball it was.

I wait all year long for Spring Training, planning my life around 30 days of games hosted in Phoenix, Arizona and surrounding suburbs.  Since my teams are not local, it is my only chance to see one of my teams live, with the Angels playing at Tempe Diablo Stadium.  While some games are mostly minor league players hoping for a spot on the 40 man roster, it is still nice to see them out and about.  Spring Training for me is what baseball is all about - young men on the field, hoping for a chance to play professionally for a sport they love. While I am not the best at remembering stats, I can tell you most my summer nights are in front of a television watching the games, or having ESPN on my cell phone to check scores.  I have missed church during play-offs to make sure my support is somehow felt on the field, even though I was sitting in the comfort of my home.  I have scared my neighbors, I am sure, with my yelling at the television.  While at both Spring Training and regular season games I have had people make funny faces at me for my loud cheering.

My teams I watch, love, and follow are the Angels and the Red Sox.  While some friends do not appreciate my dual citizenship to their fan base, I cannot hide who I love to watch.  I am not the typical fan, probably, knowing at the end of any given season I could potentially watch both teams play against each other in the playoffs. But as long as it is not the Yankees making it to the Series, I feel blessed!

My love for the Angels is a family-based decision, being married into a family that has a long tradition of halos.  My ex-husband's grandmother, Grandma Dandie, had satellite television in the late 1980's and 1990's strictly to watch her boys out on the field. She attended church where the team's chaplain was pastor.  She would call to let me know what players she saw at church, knew everything about the players down to their favorite flavor of chewing gum.  She passed away one year before the Angels won the World Series in 2002.  My father-in-law was in the minor leagues for the team, cousins have worked for the organization during the Disney years, and even took it one step further to become husband and wife on the field at Angels Stadium.  While it is true, I am not from California, I fell in love with this team because of how much my family loves the team.  Besides, who made up the stupid rule that you must be from where your favorite team is located?

My love for the Red Sox actually happened by accident. I started following the team simply because of Curt Schilling.  I had always enjoyed watching him play, seeing him pitch, and after the 2001 World Series where he helped secure a title with the Diamondbacks against the Yankees, I was mesmerized.  When he went to the Sox, I followed his career.  And then, I fell in love with the tradition, with the history, with the team, the town, and the fans.  I fell in love with Fenway, the Green Monster, and the wicked ways this team plays. You have to admire those fans who are so die-hard they simply prayed to be alive to see the team win another World Series...If you play for the Red Sox, you are family to everyone within the Nation.  There is a high respect for those who are on the team.  And in return, the players (with some exceptions) regard the Nation as family, too.

This year, for the first time I was able to watch both my teams play against each other in a regular season game, live, at Angels Stadium on Easter Sunday...I have watched regular season games with both teams separately during interleague games against the Diamondbacks, but it is always different when you see the teams you love, playing against each other.  I always feel like such a mom, yelling for both teams, cheering when they both score a run, yelling at Francona and Scioscia if they decide to keep a guy on the mound longer than I feel appropriate, and confusing everyone around me.  I could care less how others may look at me...this is who I am, and I will not apologize for it.

My friends are cut into 3 categories - Angels friends, Red Sox friends, and everyone else.  From my Red Sox friends, I have learned much about dedication, believing in spite of all odds being against you, and the love of something that you share with so many others within the Nation.  From my Angels friends, I have learned about desire, faith, comradery in something we all love.  You could not ask for a better lineup of friends.

I am not the typical fan.  I do not look like the girl who would cherish a reply tweet from Torii Hunter.  I don't look like a girl who would go see Adrian Gonzalez speak at a church about his faith, his family, and his career.  I probably don't look like the girl who's closet primarily contains baseball shirts for both teams.  Looking at me, you would probably never guess I have cherished baseball items like signed hats I refuse to wear again, newspaper clippings from terrific wins, or a shelf of empty Budweiser and Bud Light beer bottles that contain the image of a giant "Å".  I may not fit in with what anyone would consider the face of baseball...but who does? 

The image above at the beginning of this blog post is of an Angels fan/friend of mine, Jose. Jose is by far the biggest Angels fan, next to Grandma Dandie, that I know of.  He not only services his team well by continuing a tradition of history with and for the team, he also is welcoming of others into his inner-circle for how he chooses to be a fan.  He is loyal to one team, the Angels.  While he has other obligations in his life, he chooses to spend his valuable time supporting the players, past and present.  To me, he is what a fan is all about.  He is the face of a fan...someone loyal to the sport, loyal to the team, loyal to other fans who share his love.  He is not a cookie cutter image of apple pie, yet he is a man who does not apologize for his baseball affections.

Like those playing on the fields of our baseball stadiums, he is diverse in thought, in feelings, in appearance.  Any team would be lucky to have him as their fan...and the Angels are the lucky team he has chosen to give his fan-dom to.  He IS the image of Angels baseball to me.

hope where there was no hope

What Would God Say?® 

I will give you hope where there was no hope, a future that will allow you to dream big dreams, and the vision to live out what I have planned for you. Have faith in me, obey my word, and I will guide your steps.

The past 2 1/2 months have been very difficult.  I went from believing in something to feeling all is lost.  I made decisions that were based on what I knew, but not on reality.  I made other decisions that were beyond my comprehension of making all for the sake of someone else's wishes.  I have cried myself to sleep, cried myself to work, cried myself home, and attempted to not cry in front of my children.  I have prayed with a fervent heart for something that was not meant to be, and once realized, again prayed in thanksgiving for my unanswered prayers.  I have had to listen to others discuss my life as if it were up for debate, hear others advise that was both solicited and unsolicited.  I have had to swallow my pride at times, acting as if I was okay.  I have foolishly acted prideful at other times afraid to allow others to see the true pain I have been in.

The truth is, while these months have not been the hardest I have ever experienced, they rocked me to the core none-the-less.  They have shaken my foundation of belief in others, in friends, in those I love, those I am in love with, or was in love with.  My heart is broken, and for undeserved reasons.  Well, undeserved in my terms, and maybe not in others points of view.  Actions of others, their attempts to shield me rather than tell me what was actual, is never an easy pill to swallow.  I have had to walk around as a shell of who I am, afraid of who to trust, afraid of what others may know, and afraid of how I will come out, how my children will come out, and how he will come out in the end.

The truth is, I feel broken.

I feel broken.  I have lost something I found great value in.  I found great value in the person I was in love with.  I found great value in his time, in his spirit, in his friendship.  I found great value in who I was with him.  I found great value in the moments we shared, and the ways we were able to continue on despite a great distance between us.  I feel broken, not understanding why this great value I placed upon a relationship, and upon him was somehow not returned in the ways I would have liked.  I would have just preferred honesty, preferred to know how he was feeling and what was truly going on rather than discovering and having this confirmed by others.  I would have preferred to not have everyone in my office know the true state of my relationship due to someone else, and not by me.  I would have preferred to not have awkward conversations with friends as to what condition I was in, what I planned on doing, and offering to allow me to lean on them.  

I feel broken.  I feel as if the other shoe finally dropped, and in a way no one is able to recover.  I don't want the world to know how I feel.  I don't want to share my pain with anyone.  Partially because I am not even sure where the true pain lies.  I am not sure where to place my newly found reality in my life, and move forward.  I am afraid to step forward for fear of causing more pain to someone that I never wanted to hurt in the first place.  My pain, my pride, and my attempts to describe how my heart is broken have only resulted in resentment on his behalf.  A resentment I don't understand wholly, yet know it exists because he has told me.

I have spent so many nights trying to rediscover hope, rediscover faith.  While I rejoice in my unanswered prayers, I also continue to wonder what is so broken about me that causes those I am in love with to run.  What is so inconceivably wrong with me that they find a reason to cover how they feel due to their knowledge of my own sensitivity.  Why am I the one who is left crying in the corner, while they are making decisions to move forward without me?

During the past months, I have spent many moments praying.  Some prayers were of great pain, of wondering where the Lord has been, because I have felt deserted and separated greatly from Him.  In the smallest of ways He always shows me His love.  To the naked eye, one would pass it off as coincidence.  One would assume it was by pure chance.  I choose to believe He has sent many angels to me for comfort in form of old and dear friends, of moments that could only be created by Him to provide me with His grace, with His love.  I am trying to move forward.  I know that what I had will never return.  I know that what I wanted is not what was the best for my overall life in the long-run.  I know that, regardless of my broken heart, regardless of the pain shared by the person I was in love with and myself, regardless of pride, of the loss of something I valued, that He is here with me now.  He is guiding me to the next adventure I should be on.  

For all the brokenness I feel, for the loss of hope, faith, and trust I may feel now, He will replace those feelings with the essence of His grace, His guidance, and His blessings.  I only have to be patient.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

The value of trust

The value of trust.  That core essential quality one must have in so many different avenues of life.  This quality in which we look beyond ourselves, placing belief in something or someone else.  This ability to go beyond our comfort zones, placing faith in something or someone else.

Trust is more than believing in someone else.  It is allowing someone to enter your life, enter your heart.  It is allowing someone else to know your inner thoughts, your deep secrets, and sometimes, most importantly, your inner most fears not known by the world.  It is allowing your heart to open in ways never before.  It is allowing this one person to know you in ways so intimate, you never knew you could share things without regret.  Trust in someone else is allowing their influence as a stamp upon your life.  Knowing they will be there when push comes to shove.  Knowing they will stand up for you, protect you from the outside world, shelter you from pain, and be truthful in their intentions.

In many ways, I have lost this essential quality.  I have lost that ability to allow someone into my heart without always wondering if they are going to hurt me.  I have lost that ability to believe in what they say as truth.  I always question if they are being honest with me, or only being as honest as they can at that moment in trying to not hurt me.  Sad.  It effects aspects of my life in dramatic ways.  In my professional life, I worry that what I am being told about my work performance is not actually the truth.  I wonder if sharing my thoughts will lead to being viewed as weak.  I worry that if I share an idea, it will be swept up and used by someone else.  In my personal life, I worry that when someone tells me they like spending time with me, are they only saying this to ease my anxiety over relationships?  When they say they want to spend more time with me, then have other things occupy their time - are they seeing someone else?  I wonder if when they say they care about me, are they saying this because they want to be with me, or is this yet another way to kindly brush me off into the sunset...

Right now, there is the core of my own fears with trust - what is perpetually wrong with me that this same scenario keeps occurring over and over...why do I allow people into my life that only end up hurting me in the end?  Yes, they may have been trying to protect me.  Yes, they may not have meant the pain in the beginning...but they all seem to have the same results.  What is it about me, Ruthe, the person that I am, that allows this to happen time and time again?  In all the situations I can think of, I am the common bond.  I am the common bond to those that have hurt me.  I am the common bond in failed relationships, in failed friendships.  It cannot always be the other person.  What is it that I need to change to establish the value of trust back into my life?  What do I do that creates such results of pain in the end, and why - WHY - do I tend to repeat these over and over again?

In the end, and as of right now, the only people I can truly trust include the members of my family and a select number of friends I have known over the course of decades...there may be a sprinkle of those newly introduced into my life I can trust, but overall, I am dismayed by how little others have treated my life, have treated my pain.  I am dismayed that those I confided in would share my hurt with so many others.  And for what?

I constantly am second-guessing myself within the past few months.  I can only work from what I am told, and if what I am being told is only half truths, how can I form an opinion or decision that affects my life correctly?  I constantly am looking for signs that those around me are not being 100% truthful, but just truthful enough for them to consider it as not lying outright to me.  I worry that what I share with others is not remaining between the two of us, but rather shared with the world, and others around me are talking about my life as if it were front page news.  Some of this is justified.  Some of this has actually happened, and it is always painful to find out later that what you thought as truth, or what you believed is not true.  It is painful to realize that those closest to you are actually making you fodder for their conversations with others, all the while saying they do not want to get involved.  If you didn't want to become involved - why bother sharing my life with others?  It is painful to realize that all you have worked for and towards is not the same goals as others had.  And while you were busy trying to make decisions based on what you knew, you later find your decisions were incorrect due to half truths, cover-ups, and everyone else knowing what is actually going on.

I am constantly wondering in new relationships I form, be it friendship or of the romantic pursuit, is this person going to do the same thing?  Everyone is unique, not everyone is aiming to hurt you.  Sometimes they are not even aware of the pain caused until it is too late.  Sometimes they were actually attempting to protect you, but in the meantime hurting you more due to the run-around.  Will those I allow into my life in the future do the same?

The value of trust...I hope one day to have this quality reinstalled within my life.  I pray one day to have a relationship where I do not question his intentions, or if he is providing me only half truths.  I believe one day that when I share my deepest of thoughts, or the pain I am feeling, it will not become fodder for everyone else in the world to know without being uttered from my lips.  I hope one day that all things that have caused me to write this post will only be a distant memory - something that is hazy, something that seems more like a terrible dream I had rather than a constant theme of my daily life.  For the meantime, the hurt I feel seems to influence me to protect my heart, protect my thoughts, and protect me hopefully from future tears.

Heartbreaks and other things

 

Funny thing about getting your heart broken.  You know you will recuperate eventually, you know your heart may not be 100% again, but it will heal and allow you to feel again. Eventually, what you think of and start to have tears well up will eventually become moments of fondness and a smile.  But that all takes time.

As humans, we are amazing creatures with the ability to heal, ability to remember, and ability to forget.  When I think of the times I have had my heart broken, I am lucky to be able to count those moments on one hand.  But, those moments nearly took me out for the count.  Each time my heart breaks, I have learned that while my heart will never be as open as it was, other areas may open to allow new experiences to occur.  Parts of my heart that have forever been sealed shut due to hurt may slowly lose their power over my daily thoughts.  Where once I was bruised, I may be able to have healing.

Where once I felt joy, I know only feel sadness.  That longing for what could have been, what was, and what has occurred are lonely places to revisit.  In revisiting these lonely places, I immediately sink...my heart sinks, my head starts to spin, my mind starts to resemble that of a sunken ship lost at sea. All the pieces are there, but they will never see the light of day until someone decides to take the plunge and rescue them.  Right now, I an on a swing of some imaginary play set, pumping my legs to go up and down, shifting between being okay one moment, and feeling like my world is crumbling the next.

When our heart is broken, we sometimes focus so much energy on what happened to us to create that pain.  The moments that redefined how we felt, the instances where we literally felt our heart shattering.  For each person that has broken my heart, there are moments where I am sure I broke theirs too, unknowingly, unintentionally, unwillingly.  In our own hurting, we sometimes are unable to see beyond that pain to realize or acknowledge the pain of the one who created our turmoil.  Sometimes there are two people hurting, but unable to share that pain with one another due to being the root, the source of the pain.

Life is not fair.  There are many things that will happen in which you will never have answers.  You will not always understand at the moment of your pain why you must feel the way you do.  You will not understand until enough time has passed, enough reflection has occurred, and you are more willing to let go of your pain to view the world again as a safe place.  For every time your heart is broken, may you discover twice as many wonderful achievements, delights, and overall joys you wouldn't have known had it not been for the heartbreak.  For every person that breaks your heart, may you have another enter that helps to heal, helps to reconnect you to your genuine self, that person who believed, who had faith, who had love, and shared this with another person.

Invasion of privacy

Google your name...go ahead, I dare you.  Google your name and see what happens.  Does anything pull up that you would prefer not to show?  Look at your friend list in Facebook.  How many of those "friends" do you actually know?  And by actual, I mean you have met them face to face, have a real connection to them other than what their pictures look like from within a computer monitor?  Those following you on twitter?  How many of those who follow you would you prefer to NOT have follow you after a few interactions with them?

How do we protect ourselves from a constant invasion of privacy?

For the average adult today, we have a Facebook, twitter, and Flickr account.  We have multiple email addresses used for different reasons like personal verses spam verses work.  Some have accounts with online dating sites, Classmates, and LinkedIn.  We are constantly allowing the outside world to invade our privacy, constantly allowing others to take a peak into our virtual lives through pictures on sites, know our whereabouts through Foursquare, scvngr, or other applications that allow us to check in.  The average stranger can find out information about who we are without us even knowing. 

Ever get that friend request on Facebook where you immediately declined, then blocked the person from ever accessing your page?  Ever get that email saying someone is following you that you'd prefer to burn the email rather than follow back?  The worst fact of the matter is, it allows those we think we know to exploit, use, and abuse our information.  It is those who we trusted that seem to gain pleasure from knowing more than we would like them to know. It is that sinking feeling that someone you never wanted to speak to again has "found" you, and you thought you hid so well.

Truth is, I use my Facebook account to catch up with family, old friends, new friends...my kids are my friends, so I try to keep everything PC for them.  Twitter is used for venting my frustrations...I will vent about work, wrongness of others, issues of my heart.

Why the difference?

For the most part, no one on twitter really cares...I don't have to worry about someone replying, asking if I am okay.  I don't have to worry about an on-slot of unnecessary, but much appreciated, concern.  Most everyone does a "tweet-and-leave", which is great!  I can vent, get something off my chest for 1.2 seconds, and know it will just sit, left alone, without questions...Unless you are following me for reasons of keeping tabs on me, I can, for the most part, get things out.  Not true of Facebook.  Friends on Facebook, as much as I love most of them, instantly think if you post a status it is about them.  They think you solely post for their own humor, or that if you are upset you will use a few words in your status to break even, which is so far from the truth.  And when this happens, I always wonder "How ego-centric can you possibly be?"

But the whole point is, if you don't want too much of your privacy given away, safeguard it with all your might.  You have control over what you tweet or post as a status.  You have control of where you check-in, and sometimes even if your information is available online.  When signing up for the social network world, you agreed to terms and conditions.  If you somehow now do not like the terms and conditions, you can't really have sign-up remorse now.

The Format - Piano Song

So far from me,
stands a man known as disease.
He's checking out the hands of the people that he meets.

And now, you just don't see me anymore.
oh, I've been losing everything.
You just don't see me anymore.
I'll wait for it.

You could be.
I would wait for the chance, would I go?
Would I ever see that?
I know things you say when you, you say everything,
I don't need much, but I know that its not enough.

Oh, and you know its such a drag.
You live your life for a heart attack.
You live the things that you understand.
You don't wanna get, I don't want to know.
I just can't see the way its been.

So go, would you go?
Would you go? Would you ever want to fall?
Would I know? Would I know?
Would I want to make it down?
Would you say, would you say what you never wanna,
don't wanna go,wanna go wanna know just what I--

I come as this one,
you'd forget all the things that you said.
But you don't want to wait for the time.
I was out of line.
I don't want to wait.
Would you stay? Would you ever stay?
yeah.

And don't you know its such a drag?
You live your life for a heart attack.
You live your life for a heart attack.
You're never gonna get this way.
I just can't slip away
any more.
Well, I've been losing everything.
You just don't see me anymore.

Oh, to dream!

You know those people...the ones who seem to define the word 'selfish' - those that seem to live just for the sake of making another life miserable...and if you have to question if you are one of those people, chances are - YOU ARE.

Douchebag - a word describing someone who treats others disrespectfully.  A word for someone who has no real explanation for treating others that way, but simply does it because he or she can.  A word for someone who will sell you up river given the chance, then watch you suffer as they sit idly by.  A person who does not feel they are doing anything wrong in their actions, even though your heart my be forever shattered or broken in certain areas, never to be repaired.

Funny thing, those people.  They always seem to be ahead of everyone else.  They never quite grasp the level to which they sink when performing such douche-onic behavior.  Their actions are not incomprehensible to those around them.  They seem to walk in this haze otherwise known as their magical bubble world of "Nope, I didn't do it..." or "Well, you are the one who..." rather than just own up to the mistake they may have made, apologize, and move forward.

The other funny thing?  We are all capable of doing this.  We are all, at times, insensitive toward others, and how they may feel.  We are all, at times, guilty of hurting someone.  But the difference between the douchebag and the non-douchebag - the douchebag will perform at a higher level, masterfully creating, spinning, weaving, and dodging.  That is how they operate, and how they are so successful at the game. 

I wish I could pass this award of Honorary Douche Bag of the Week to some people.  I can think of several people off the top of my head to start off with - the former boyfriend who cheated on me with a supposed 'friend', the supposed 'friend' who cheated with my boyfriend.  The person who cut me off in traffic when there was no need to.  The person who wrote something raunchy on my Facebook page where my children and mother can see things.  I wish I could let those people know how their actions may devastate others, hurt others, create a difference in someone else's life that is not for the better.  Until that time, I can silently disperse this award...silently smile as I distribute this dishonorable award, and pray someday they are reformed.

The start of something new

The start of something new...the first time you met him, the way your common sense may have flown out the window by staying up all night, talking.  The first date where you could tell he was nervous.  You talk about different things that are usually reserved for that first date, never really to be talked about again once familiarity settles in.  The walk around the lake, talking, sitting on the grass and talking, looking at the stars together.  That pacing back and forth he did, unsure how to ask you out again...that strange uncomfortable ending to a great night where you are unsure if a hug or peck on the cheek would be appropriate.  The wondering if he is going to call you the next day, and when he does, you feel like you won the lottery for phone calls.

The first time you held his hand, touched his arm, or looked into his eyes for the first kiss.  That quick in your stomach feeling of jitters, the rush of sensation to your head just hearing him talk, or the weak in the knees sensation when you kiss him.  That feeling when you see him arrive, where you feel the world is actually singing to you...oh, the start of something new!  All the talk about what you want, all the time spent just holding hands, discovering who they are, how they may accent your life just by being present.  That leap in your heart when the phone rings, and you see his name on the screen, the way you may tease each other over silly little things that eventually develop into bigger things...

The first time you meet each others family, hoping everyone is on their best behavior and no awkward stories come up.  Him being your first thought when you wake up in the morning, only to discover a text message from him, or, better yet, the phone ringing with his voice on the other end of the line.  The first time you see him in a sensitive light where you see a path to his heart - that path to his heart that helps you fall deeper in like each day.  The way he looks at you when you have been apart for only a few hours, the way he holds your face as he kisses you...the first time you realize you are trusting him to be true to your heart, something you have a difficult time doing.  The first time you realize you have more than a little crush...

The first time you looked at him and saw a fear...the first time you saw vulnerability that you knew was his heart.  The first time you allowed yourself to cry in front of him,or share things that you were afraid to previously share.  Those secrets from the past where you may have been afraid to push him away, and needed time to learn to trust him. 

...all that beautiful beginning to something more...the start of something new...the hope to not be hurt again...the thought of forever once again...

Self

 The way you treat others is the way you treat yourself. 

True respect for another comes from self respect. 

True love for another comes from self love. 

True forgiveness for another comes from self forgiveness.

It seems this world is filled with those who are unaware how to treat others.  It could be due to instant gratification, a method of having things so much quicker than ever before.  It could be that over time, the need to communicate with others outside of text, email, IM, or social media outlets has replaced a phone call, a face-to-face visit.  It could be that, as a society, we have shifted from a faith-based, God fearing society, to a society that focuses more on ourselves.  In any case, it seems our world has changed drastically from what it may have even been 5 or 10 years ago.

We live in a world that often tells us we are not good enough if we do not have the newest television, the biggest house, the fastest car.  We live in a world that allows the clever to succeed, while those who think from the heart are looked down upon.  Our need for love is ever higher, but the version of love we consider is often fleeting, and not meant to last over the testing of time.

In a world so full of information, we are faced with greater questions about who we are, what we are, and how we fit in.  Gone are the days where a person could go to work, perform well, receive payment for the hard work, and raise your family knowing you would retire with benefits from that company.  Instead, we are now staying at a company on average 5 years, struggling to figure ways to support our families.  The American dream has suffered at the hands of greedy individuals who take all they can, leaving nothing left behind for others to touch.  After all, everything we have in our lives is gained by credit, and not by actual hand-in-cash methods.  For those unable to gain credit, they do without.  For those who are able to gain credit abuse the methods of which credit was intended. 

I am not always at my best, do not always allow myself to forgive easily.  I often fail at this quality.  But every day offers me a chance to pursue forgiveness for my actions, to love myself more, and to respect myself enough to walk away when something does not feel right.  I may not be easy for others to love on a consistent basis, but I am also not selfish in my love I give to others.  I have faith in the kindness of others, in the hearts of others, and some days it seems this is also my downfall.  My own self believes beyond a shadow of a doubt until given reason to believe otherwise.  And in that moment where the doubt enters, I need to learn to let go, to not let the disappointing actions of others affect and effect my own actions and reactions.
 

What are you looking for?

The question that always poses itself when meeting new people - "What are you looking for?"  I typically avoid asking this question.  Maybe this is why I have not found that balance I am looking for.  But I avoid it for specific reasons.  I want to make sure I am not emulating qualities another is looking for.  I want to ensure I am being myself, and being appreciated good or bad for those qualities.  I want to make sure I am open-minded about the newness that can be found in a relationship.  There are plenty of items on my imaginary list that everyone will never measure up to.  To enforce those items upon someone who is real, and may be a wonderful addition to my life seems justly unfair.

It is an interesting question to ask though.  One that even for the most iron-glad heart finds difficult to answer.  I don't have a specific "type" of man I am looking for.  I know what I am attracted to, but most times this attraction is not physical, but rather intellectual or spiritual than based on attributes seen with the naked eye.  What attracts me physically may not always be what is best for me in the long run. In not having many relationships, I have been both blessed with not having too much heartbreak, but still enough to know I am not a fan of the hurt.

I want someone who is spiritual, seeking the Lord, seeking delight within the Lord.  I want someone I can sit and pray with, share my faith, share my spirituality with. I want someone who is kind, sensitive but strong, someone who knows the value of working, but also enjoys having fun.  I want someone to say "I want to be with you, and with your children."  I want someone who understands the pressures of being a parent, but doesn't shirk away from those pressures. I want someone who is respectful of my family, accepts the family I have.

I want someone who will come into my life and enhance it.  At the end of a long day, we can sit together, hold each other's hands, knowing together we are stronger than apart.  I want someone who will look at me and instantly feel a peace within his mind, and joy within his heart.

I want someone who sees my flaws, recognizes my fears, and knows I am not perfect, but stays with me regardless of these things.  I want a relationship that feels like a safe haven in the middle of life's storms that come our way. Someone who will hold me when I feel the world is falling apart around me, wanting to prop me up.

I don't expect perfection.  I don't expect the other person to never make a mistake, never says something that is hurtful for unknown reasons.  I only require he try his best.  I want someone who is honest, and if he is feeling worried, upset, fearful, or joyful he is able to express that with me.  I want someone who is faithful, wanting to be with me above all others he may be able to meet or be with.

I want someone who can walk into the room and lighten the atmosphere by being there.  Someone who is not afraid to show me affection in front of others, and who gladly takes my hand. I want someone who declares to the world that he is with me, and protects me from the outside harms.  

I want someone responsible, able to maintain a job, and able to pay his bills.  Someone who understands the value of a dollar.

My heart has been bruised in the past.  I am not willing to rush into a situation that should not be rushed.  I am not willing to sacrifice the desires of a strong healthy relationship in exchange for physical relationships.  I am not willing to be with someone who simply pretends to be in it with me - he has to be active, show up every day.  I want to get married again, I want to celebrate a life with someone.  I want to grow older with someone who is my friend, someone who is my confidant, and loyal to the desires we both have.  Someone who supports my dreams as I support his.  Someone who believes in me, someone who allows me to believe in him.

I am not sure if this is out there.  I am not sure why it has taken so long for me to get this.  I am not sure if the qualities I want exist in today's age of selfishness, lies, manipulation, and feelings of instant gratification.  But I remain hopeful it does exist.  I remain hopeful that whoever the Lord has for me is going through the same questions, wanting the same qualities, and we are both just in the preparation phase to ready ourselves for one another.  I am hopeful I will meet him soon, start our process of learning about each other, and continue into a relationship that fulfills our heart's desires.

What the past year has taught me

The moment you made me an option in your life is the moment you were no longer became a priority in mine.

That sentiment of becoming an option verses a priority seems to be the theme of my past year.  That ability to discard what needs to be discarded, and cherish what should be cherished.  That ability to move on, forward as ever, and learn from the mistakes of yesterday.

If you had told me a year ago of all the experiences I would encounter within the next 12 months of my life, I would have thought you were joking.  I would have thought you were crazy.  I would have told you I would never endure through some of those experiences.  Yet, here I am, one year later, and still standing. 

Some days I may not stand as straight as I could.  Other days I stand straighter than ever.  I have been tested, tried, experienced great moments of sadness, and great moments of joy.  All of these created on hell of a year.  What were those moments?

Last year at this time I had just moved into a new place to live, and started a new job.  I was struggling with all that was familiar being gone, and replaced with uncertainty, newness, and change.  Today, I have settled into both nicely, and while the new place I am living is small, I have learned it isn't the size of what you have, but that you have a roof over your head to be thankful for.  

Had you told me last year at this time that I would go through not just one, but two breakups, I would have told you I couldn't do that.  I couldn't possibly allow my heart to be broken twice.  Yet, it has happened.  Both in completely different ways did this come about.  

The first breakup was in honesty, was in faith that what I was being told would not crush me but make me stronger. I will always love him, and as time has passed I have discovered I appreciate his friendship we still share together.  I am thankful he was honest with me.  I am thankful he let me go to grow on my own, remembering all the moments we shared, helping me build more moments of all I learned with others.  He is one of the few people I know would be there for me if I needed help.  He has proven himself to be reliable to this day in his promises made while we were together.  He still takes on the role of confidant with my children, still spends time with them, providing that fatherly role both of my children don't have, but may need more than I realize.  I am thankful beyond belief that he broke things off with me for no other reason than I am able to see him in a different light.  He was right, we wouldn't have worked out.  There were too many things I didn't see while I was with him that were not necessarily deal breakers, but just things that I wouldn't have been happy with forever.

The second breakup is not as honest, not as faith-filled, and only time will tell how my heart will heal from the experience.  Each day I face difficulties with trusting people now.  Some of that is on me, some of it is on him.  Eventually I have to let things go, keep moving forward, and try to remember all the wonderful experiences I had.  I was different with him.  I was more willing to open up in ways I had not opened up since I was younger.  I believed in possibilities again.  I believed in myself in so many ways.  While my heart is definitely on the mend, and it may take time to fully recover, I will always love him in certain ways.  He gave me something no one else has, and no one else may be able to give in the future.  It is sad that it had to end with lies, but I guess it was never meant to be if it ended this way.

I had to buy a new car when my old car died.  This was not an expense I was ready for, and I was not ready to depart from my car I lovingly called Fred.  The new car has been a source of frustration for some points, and has spent time in the shop for a car accident...but such is life.

We welcomed a new member into our family - Wendy.  Wendy is a cute little corgi/shelty mix that looks like a fox, has instincts like Cujo, and protects you like no other if she loves you.

I traveled more this year for personal reasons than I ever had.  It did help dating someone who did not live locally to rack up the miles, but that is another positive I take from the debacle it became.  I traveled to San Diego, New York City, Connecticut, a few other New England locations.  I was able to see the Statue of Liberty and World Trade Center on 9-11, went to a few airshows, fed giraffes and rhinos.

I discovered I actually like sushi, and enjoy eating it.  This would have been reason to question another person's sanity had they told me this a year ago, but now, I love the stuff.

I learned what it meant to support someone, love someone, and care for someone in a better way.  Whether this is regarding my kids, my family, or the person I was with, it remains true.  

I have learned that sometimes those you believe are friends may not be the best of friends you thought them to be.  Yes, they may be there for you when the going gets rough, and for that I am thankful.  But they may also be sharing your secrets with others, and this reminds me to be more guarded with my secrets.  It reminds me to seek out the counsel of prayer more, and the counsel of men less.  

I have learned once again that my family absolutely amazes me.  I am so fortunate to be surrounded by those who love me, who support me, who beyond a shadow of a doubt are there for me.  I have the fortune of knowing these individuals, their strengths, weaknesses, highs, lows and everything in between.  In turn, they too know these things about me.  Yet we still can look at each other with eyes of love, forgiveness, and forever know we are there for one another.

I have been so very fortunate to have a year as I have had.  In a year with so many ups and downs, I consider myself fortunate.  While I do not wish to ever relive this year, I do believe there were more positives that came about than negatives.

Keep the faith

This could be another baseball post...given the fact this image is of Boston, with "Keep the Faith" and "Go Sox" off in the background.  It could be about the hope a fan may have for their team at the beginning of the season, the middle of the season, end of season, all the way up to play-offs and, hope above all hopes, winning the pennant.  It could be...but really, it is about something bigger.  

What does it mean to keep the faith?  What does that statement truly mean into a society where we are so focused on surviving, on what we think we want vs. what we think we need?  Does this sign serve as a simple reminder at the end of the day to not give up?  Or just another reminder that we need to keep going, continue on our path and not lose our way?

When I was younger, it was easier to keep faith.  Things were simple. I had faith my parents would be there for me.  I had faith I would go to school, see my friends.  I had faith on the simplest of levels.  I believed with the simplest of thoughts.  As time has passed, that simplistic approach has changed.  

Somehow along the journey of my life, my heart has been broken, I have learned people cannot always be trusted, learned that those who claim to be there for you will not be when it is not convenient for them.  I have learned to not reveal my heart as an open book due to those that have abused my heart.  I have learned sometimes, regardless of how hard you may try, if the other person is not willing to meet you even half way you will get hurt.  Suddenly the things I had faith in on the simplest of levels has now become complicated beyond measure.  That spirit of carefree, loving enjoyment is gone.  

Sometimes I need the reminders that things will be okay, or that I can do something.  Sometimes I need a reminder that this is a beautiful world, a beautiful life.  Sometimes I need that billboard shouting out to keep the faith, because it is a reminder in action to take it upon myself to continue on, ever being thankful.

Mother's Day

Ty and Emi, 4/22/2011

Today is Mother's Day...a reminder of all the wonderful blessings I have in my life.  A reminder of how my children brighten my day, help me to make better decisions, and create a home with love, excitement, hope, and energy.

Emi, Mom, and me  4/22/2011

Today is Mother's Day...a reminder of all the wonderful things my mother has done, is doing, or may do in the future.  All the sacrifices she made for her kids when we were growing up, and all the love she provided even when we made it hard.




Today is Mother's day...a reminder of how lucky I am to have beautiful sisters-in-law who consistently show love to my children, and amaze me at their level of love for their own children.  A reminder of how far we have all come since first meeting each other, and pride in knowing these amazing women, being able to call them friends, and family.

My beautiful sisters and mother-in-law.

My amazing sister-in-law and nephew

Today is Mother's Day...a reminder of how blessed I am to have my mother-in-law in my life.  A woman who gives her all to the family, loves us deeply, and never fails to offer support when we are going through our various trials.

Today is Mother's Day...a reminder of all the wonderful friends I have who are mothers as well.  Women who have been my example to raising children.  Women who have nurtured my own children along side theirs.  Women I am not afraid to call upon with my own questions, feelings of doubt, or celebratory moments.

I will never know why I am so blessed in knowing and having my children in my life.  I feel the Lord has blessed me beyond measure.  I will never know why I am so blessed in knowing and having my mom,sisters in law, mother in law and wonderful friends.  I can only thank the Lord for allowing me to have their support.

Tyler, Emberleigh, and me at an Angels Spring Training game.

Those decisions you can't take back

Every day we have a chance to start anew - new sunrise, new hope, new day to begin.  We have the ability to move passed any pain from yesterday, believing today will be the day we are able to overcome our fears, overcome previous hurts, overcome previous haunts.

It would be nice to live in a world where a new dawn truly represented a clean slate.  A new day where everything was fresh again.  A day where decisions we made yesterday, or yesteryear no longer haunt us.  But this is not how life works.  Our hearts are fickle.  We rely upon the past to protect us today.  We learn that if we touch something that is hot, it will burn.  We commit this to memory, rely upon this as a safeguard.

Do we ever really get over the decisions we made, move forward, and never rehash those moments in our heads and hearts again?

I can remember decisions I made that I wish I had done differently.  I remember the smell in the air, the way the light was reflecting in the room as I made my decision.  I can remember the background noises, quiet, undefined, but deafening none the less.  That moment where I crossed the line from unsure to definite in the decision process, so much like crossing the finish line at some imaginary race my mind was running.  That feeling of knowing I could not go back once the action occurred.  And the terror to realize maybe I could have chosen differently, had a better outcome, higher success rate had I just thought a bit longer.  These decisions are not for the faint of heart.  They are not the decisions you can joke about.  It isn't a "Coke or Pepsi?" type of decision.

Sometimes, there is no ability to know if you are making the right decision.  You have to go on faith.  There is no right or wrong answer, only a different path that you will start upon.  Other times, it is a great struggle because you know it alters your world in such a way you are forever changed.  Those decisions, those that affect your heart, mind, body, and soul; those are the decisions where your view of the world is no longer what it was 10 seconds beforehand.  Those are the decisions that can't be changed.  Good or bad, you now must live with the responsibilities of your decision.  You must somehow learn to move passed the pain, to learn to love again, laugh again, trust and hope again. 

I hope to be able to move passed the pain.  I hope I can learn how to love again, to laugh again.  I hope I know how to trust again.  I want to believe again.  And that all just takes time, I suppose.

Scar Tissues that I wish you saw...

It is funny how someone can touch your life.  There are those that come in for a short time, filling our lives with immense joy.  Others who remain for a lifetime as a source of strength.  And then there are those that come in, cause destruction left and right, and scars so deep you feel the Grand Canyon exists within your soul.

This is what the last relationship I was in has done to my heart.  Where once there was happiness, once there was a desire to talk to him, support him, and help him, it is now a black hole within my heart that I hope in time will recuperate so that I can move on with my life, with him only serving as a blur.

It is not easy, being single.  It is not easy to meet people, especially those with whom you want to maintain contact with.  It isn't easy to find someone worth 2 minutes of your time, much less 2 minutes worth of the bullshit you wasted while learning they weren't worth your time.  And thanks to the last relationship I was in, I have so many apprehensions about trusting another man.

When betrayal has occurred in a relationship, when lies were present, when the other person opted to withhold rather than divulge, you are left with this feeling that protecting your heart is of the utmost priority.  Unfortunately, this also puts you on a high alert that pales in comparison to any national security alert that we could go through.  You look at people differently.  Instead of accepting someone at face value, you wonder when they are going to deceive you.  Instead of enjoying your time getting to know who that other person is, you are waiting for them to deceive you.  Instead of letting someone in, you maintain a 5 foot rule upon your heart at all times.

It hurts.  It hurts that when someone tells me I am special to them I am waiting for them to also lie to me about their intentions.  It hurts that when I see them on their cell phone checking email or text messages I am wondering if they are looking at something from the other person they are seeing that I am unaware of.  It hurts that I am always suspicious of what I am being told, what I am being led to believe, and what may actually be truth don't seem to align.  It hurts to care about someone, then have them disappoint you in such a way you feel you may not recover.  It hurts that I get to walk around, feeling like I am on a tightrope 100% of the time, waiting to fall without any safety net. 

The damage the last relationship did to my heart goes far beyond anything I can describe.  The secrets, the lies, the omissions, the deceit.  All of it waged upon my heart like a firing squad.  I never even stood a chance because you can't make the right decisions for yourself and those that you care about when you are basing them on the lies you are being told.  All I wanted to do was support him, care about him, and have the same in return.  Instead, I was emotionally spat upon.  I don't know when I will ever be over the actions he carried out so precisely like a hit man upon my heart.

Just when I think I am getting over it, moving forward, something new always pops up to remind me.  A memory, something someone says, a smell, the mention of a place...And then it floods in.  All that doubt about why someone who claimed to care could discard me so callously.  All that confusion of how you can care for someone, love them, support them, and they return to you with lies.  And just like that, all my wounds surface as if he is sitting across from me right now, telling me the lies he told me all over again.  It is the emotional equivalent of whiplash...only there is no one to adjust your heart...no one to make things right with him ever again...nothing that will remove that pain I feel at this moment.  The wounds are so fresh at this moment I am beyond words to even express my pain.  I am not angry, but rather I am so numb to what has been done.

I just want to move on.  I want to experience true happiness for longer than 5 minutes with the memory of you dancing in the background.  I want to not feel so much pain when I see a picture of you.  I want to not have tears well in my eyes at the thought of what lies you told me, and how you sit there, so smug, thinking you got away with the robbery of my heart and feelings.  I want to not think about you anymore.  I want to know that when I wake up tomorrow I won't have a single thought about the pain you have placed in my life. I want to never think about why you treated me like a scrap of paper, discarded when no longer needed.  I want to remember what it is like to have someone actually give a damn about me, care for me, and take me into consideration rather than fill my ears with what you have deemed 'appropriate'.  I want to no longer deal with the scars, or wonder if i will ever feel the ability to trust again.  I want to feel again, I want to love again, I want to be myself again, unafraid to share my heart, and unafraid to trust.

Thanks for the scars, GL.  Thank you for all the pain I am feeling right now as you sit smugly thinking you are getting away with it.  Thank you for taking my heart, and smashing it.  Thank you for that level of sensitivity you behold that truly is note-worthy.  Thank you for helping create so much doubt within my mind, body, soul and heart based upon your actions.  Thanks for the scars...