That sinking feeling

That sinking feeling...the moment you realize your hopes have been dashed, faith may be lost, and dreams are now gone.  The plans previously made are but a memory of what was when the dates arrive.  Your cognizance to promises made are now really just empty words, and truths may now be as horrible as a lie when the truth is no longer relevant.  The feeling of attempting to keep your head above water with weights tied to the bottoms of your feet.  And you are alone...again...

That moment when you have clarity that all may not be okay, and what you wanted has changed.  The moment who you wanted no longer wants you.  You are, again, alone.

It is funny how quickly this feeling can consume you.  Where once you would share tiny insignificant moments with the other person, you either are searching for something to say, or reaching for the phone realizing the person on the other end of the phone line is no longer who you can or should share this with.  Those tiny insignificant moments become huge monumental mountains to now trek across, and hope you have enough supplies to see you to the other side.  It is worse than the feeling of missing someone because you now understand that someone may not come back.  And you are alone...again...forced to face each dawn with new found aspiration that may not even exist any longer.

Upon looking at yourself in the mirror you wonder who that person in the reflection even is.  They appear to be the same person as the moment before your epiphany, having the same physical features of hair, eyes, nose, lips.  But it is what lies within the eyes, and what lies beneath the lips that create curiosity as to what is staring back at you.  You are no longer the same.  Your heart is no longer the same, your hands no longer able to hold what you found dear.  Your eyes view the world through a veil of fog from the hurt, from the pain.  And the tears that fall are those of anguish that will not be remedied soon.  You are, again, alone.

While you look at the exterior of what you know within the world, you wonder how the sun can still rise in the morning given your hurt.  You wonder why the birds sing their songs while your heart only echoes silence.  You may silently scream for those around you to be silent for the shear respect of your despair.  You feel the ground beneath your feet, but you don't realize where you are going, or even care to remember why you are traveling on the road in the first place.  For all purposes, your world has stopped, and you are finding the very act of breathing to be similar to smothering.  You are sinking in your own self-doubt.  And you are alone...again...

Unable to move for fear you will shatter what is left of your comfort zone, you allow yourself to quietly reflect on those moments that led to this.  You torment yourself with doubt, what if, should have, could have, would have, to find yourself in a dizzy tailspin emoting only exigent fear for always being alone, always feeling this way, and never finding yourself within that reflection again.  That sinking feeling, the overcoming, drowning, suffocating feeling that leaves you bereft, afraid, and once again, alone.

On being a mom

Thirteen years ago today I was given the opportunity of a new job.  I was given absolutely no guidebook on this new job, no real job description other than examples I had seen from others that performed this job.  I was not sure how I would handle all the responsibilities of this new role in my life - or what exactly would change due to this new job.  All I knew was I staring at the most beautiful person I had ever met who gave me my new job...that of being a mother.

It is funny how quickly time passes.  13 years ago, I was holding this tiny 6lb, 15 oz person, 20 inches in length with the biggest feet and dimples I had ever seen.  She was perfect, from head to toe.  She had the smallest of features, lips that looked like rosebuds, tiny hands with long fingers and a signature crooked pinkie finger on both hands just like her mother.  I was exhilarated, scared, in love, and not sure what to do next all at the same time.  The day was chilly, but not cold.  Storms had come through the town later that day, and in the days after that the temperature did eventually chill.  The ride from hospital to home was the slowest, most cautious drive I have ever been a part of, as her father and I attempted to not have anyone hit the most precious cargo we had ever carried with us in the car.

Those first few days of motherhood were some of the most wonderful I had ever had, and really, there has not been a day that has compared since.  Those first moments of holding her, watching her sleep, looking at her perfect little features, and feeling so blessed to have her in my life.  There were moments of changing the diapers, feeding time, trying to get her snug in her bed without her being in a position that could cause unintentional death.  There was the moments I would look at her sleeping, and wake her up for fear she was not breathing.  There were the moments I had read about in the "helpful" books that told me to talk to her, and when looking at her I didn't have a clue what to say...what do you tell someone you have known only by the kicks she provided you for 9 months, not to mention the heartburn, morning sickness, moments of quiet where I would watch her moving slightly within my belly.  I talked to her the entire time I was pregnant, but that is far different from talking to her as I was looking at her.

Being a mom, I have learned, is not the easiest job.  Not only are you a caregiver, you are their teacher, advisor, chauffeur, nurse, playmate, accountant, cook, maid, and if you are lucky, you are their confidant. You are the first person they learn to trust, the first person they associate with love, and the first person they emulate their own pattern of behavior after.  The countless nights I didn't receive a wink of sleep, the times I spent watching her throw a fit, or play with her babies, learn to crawl, walk, and eventually run are long passed.  She is now almost as tall as me, with feet that are bigger than mine.  She is no longer in need of my help to get around, unless you count a store she would like something from.  She no longer looks at me as her end-all, be-all.  My daughter is now getting more and more independent with her thoughts, actions, and intentions.  She is no longer the little infant I would dress up in pretty dresses just to take her picture; she is a teenager with the ability to dress herself and post endless photos to her Facebook account.

In all the world, I never expected the new job given to me that day to be as hard, both emotionally and physically.  I never imagined the new job could leave me some days completely bereft in my attempts to make "house peace".  I never imagined how one of my kids singing my favorite songs could make me tear up like a baby, or how seeing them achieve their goals could feel like tiny successes of mine as well.  In all the world, I never expected being a mom could mean so much, require so much, take so much, and need so much of my time in so many ways, yet offer me incredible freedoms in other areas that you do not recognize when you are single.  I never imagined I could feel unconditional love that, regardless of what my 2 kids will do, is never wavered.  I never imagined I would be so blessed as I am in being a mom.

Random little acts of hate

The kids go to a charter school owned and operated by a local Boys & Girls Club organization.  It is a small school filled with 250 smiling faces willing to learn.  The principal of the school is a staunch by loving adult within their lives, active in every aspect of the daily classroom activities for her Kindergarten through 8th graders.  Every quarter she hosts an awards ceremony for the kids, presents them with awards for Honor Roll, Principal's List, Perfect Attendance, Citizenship.  In attendance are the teachers, fellow classmates, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles.  And while you sit in the "Big Gym" she asks the kids "Where are we going?"  to which the kids shout back "We're going to college."  As each child hears their name called, they come down the wooden bleachers, she hands them their award, and each child shakes the teachers hands in a line, similar to accepting a high school or college degree.  It is her hope that as they receive this training in her school, they will crave that higher degree and pursue their dreams.

In an atmosphere filled with positive feedback, you have the surrounding neighborhood.  While the school may be the haven of hope to those children and parents, the neighborhood is nothing short of scruffy, difficult, rough, and not a place you would want to get lost at night.  It is filled with old people, young people, the streets are littered with cars that may just park in the center of the street.  Driving down the streets it is not unusual to see dogs running loose, 2 year-olds darting into the road, and general mayhem to the outsider.  It is a neighborhood filled with industrial shops, auto-mechanics, and primary population of Hispanics.  Of those Hispanics,  1/4 are not here legally.  While the streets at one time may have been a sense of pride to the city, it is now littered with small crime, drug use, and general disorganization.

The kids have attended this school since the 2006 - 2007 school year.  For the outside community, the property the school is on can be considered a safe place due to a Boys & Girls Club being located on the premises.  They have outstanding testing scores, and students are at a higher learning curve than other schools, both private, public, and / or charter.  This is the main reason why the kids still attend this school.  The kids that attend this school have a great sense of pride for their school, the buildings, the teachers, and the learning process.  They understand and appreciate the facilities, equipment, and adults who are working with them.  While the neighborhood may feel chaotic, the premises of the school / club is that of peace.

This is the location where so many wonderful childhood memories are formed for the students.  This is where they learn to trust adults, understand how the world works, and about the arts.  It is a unique school where they focus on the arts, and the importance of learning the of math and drawing, and the relation between the two.  This is a location chosen to be celebrated by local government, state government and federal government officials like U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings, athletes and celebrities like Jay-Z and LeBron James.  These entities coming to their school, telling them they can achieve their goals, and to reach for the stars, encourages the kids to believe, to learn, and to love while learning.

When I picked the kids up today, they told me the school was broken into over the holiday weekend.  Not only were the buildings broken into, but NetBooks, laptops, USB cords, cameras, classroom items, and some personal belongings of both students and faculty were taken.  The look on my kids' face that someone would do this was that of astonishment, awe, and disgust.  My children understand these electronic items are not just items to "play" on, but tools to learn.

This is not the first time something like this has happened.  A few years ago, while on Spring Break, someone started a fire in the administrative building, destroying all records stored as a hard copy.  Destroying not just items that could be replaced, but also the trust my kids felt in knowing their school was safe from outsiders.  Today, that same level of random little acts of hate was displayed on their faces again.

For those who feel it is okay to take from others, it is astonishing you are willing to take away from a place of learning.  For those who feel it is okay to take away from others, it is astonishing you are willing to have such lack of respect for children, and the tools needed to learn, to become successful adults who are able to govern our society in the future.  You are teaching children extreme neglect for who they are, where they are going, and who they will become.  Your random acts of hate do not just effect the students currently attending the school, but also future students who may enter the facility to learn.  You are effecting the neighborhood, already disparaged.  You are effecting the parents, the families, teachers, and administrators.  Your actions, while they may have been adventurous at the time, will hopefully come back to haunt you in years to come.  You have taken from the learning process of children, and the development of our future.

Favorite movie quotes

I am not one for retaining movie lines word for word like others.  The last time I was able to recite a movie line for line was Pretty Woman, and I was 15 years old.  But I enjoy others who have this ability to retain what others may see as useless information.  I have a friend who can recite Monty Python, Fletch, and Airplane movie lines as if she watched the movie a few minutes ago.

But for all the inability to retain such knowledge, there are a few lines I will retain.  One liners, really.  Out of context the average listener would not understand the reference. Once explained, they may still scratch their head in wonder of why I retained that one line out of so many others...For all it is worth, here is a list of movie quotes I can refer.

Gone with the Wind

Rhett Butler:
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
     ------------------
Scarlett O'Hara:
After all, tomorrow is another day.

National Lampoon's European Vacation
Clark Griswold:
Look kids, Big Ben!

A Bronx Tale
Lorenzo Anello: 
The saddest thing in life is wasted talent

Pulp Fiction
Jules:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee.

Pretty Woman
Vivien:
Well color me happy!  There's a sofa in here for two!
     ------------------ 
Vivian:
Oh honey.  You know what's happened?  I have a runner in my panty hose...I'm not wearing panty hose!

Best in Show
Gerry Fleck:
I can't dance, I can't dance, I've got two left feet!
Cookie Fleck:
I thought he was kidding.
Gerry Fleck:
But I wasn't. I was born with two left feet.
      ------------------
Sherri Ann Cabot:
Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about. 
     ------------------
Gerry Fleck:
Well you must be very "proud Mary".
Scott Donlan:
Oh my goodness. Who are you all of a sudden?
Stefan Vanderhoof:
Good baby boomer gag.
Cookie Fleck:
Who's that in the burgundy jacket? Mr Hip.

The Hangover
Officer Franklin:
Not you fat Jesus, slide it on back.

Back to the Future
Marty McFly:
Whoa, this is heavy.
Dr. Emmett Brown:
There's that word again; "heavy". Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth's gravitational pull?
      ------------------
Dr. Emmett Brown:
Then tell me, "Future Boy", who's President in the United States in 1985?
Marty McFly:
Ronald Reagan.
Dr. Emmett Brown:
Ronald Reagan? The actor?
Dr. Emmett Brown:
Then who's VICE-President? Jerry Lewis?  I suppose Jane Wyman is the First Lady!


The Devil Wears Prada
Emily:
Andrea, my God! You look so chic.
Andy Sachs:
Oh, thanks. You look so thin.
Emily:
Really? It's for Paris, I'm on this new diet. Well, I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.

Breakfast at Tiffany's
Holly Golightly:
Promise me one thing: don't take me home until I'm drunk - very drunk indeed.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Sloane:
The city looks so peaceful from up here.
Ferris:
Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet.
Cameron:
I think I see my dad.
      ------------------
Economics Teacher:
Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?
Simone:
Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. 
     ------------------
Grace:

Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

      ------------------
Ferris:

Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work. 

A League of Their Own
Jimmy Dugan:
There's no crying in baseball!!

Airplane!
Striker:
Surely you can't be serious!
Rumack:
I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Fight Club
Tyler Durden:   

The first rule of Fight Club is - you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is - you DO NOT talk about Fight Club.

Ghost
Sam:  
Ditto

Little White Lies

How many times have you told someone what seems to be a little white lie.  Whether it is that you were stuck in traffic rather than just simply running 5 minutes late, didn't feel like doing something but didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings, or were trying to avoid some type of issue later on, we unfortunately all tell little white lies.

I am not immune to this, and will admit to sometimes finding it easier to perform a little white lie over hurting someone else, or not doing something.  I try, however, to not do this with the actual people in my life, those I call friends, family, or the person I am dating.

To be honorable in my intentions at all times allows me freedom from scrutiny.

Besides, I feel lightening will strike me if I tell someone a lie, whether it be professionally or personally, regardless of how little it is.  If I call in sick saying my car has broken down, my car will, in fact, break down.  If I say I can't do something because I am not feeling well, or my kids are not feeling well, they will or I will end up sick.  There are a million ways I look at a supposed circumstance and decide it is easier to just come clean than it is to perform the juggling of a lie.

But here is the problem with little white lies in today's society...you can't do it that easily.  With so many applications for social media available to us, there is nothing secret any longer.  And those you tell the white lies to are often, and understandably, insulted and hurt when they discover that rather than going to sleep, as you claimed you were going to do, you actually stayed up, went out all night, and foolishly posted it to something social media driven.

In June of this year, I talked to my boyfriend at the time of our lack of communication and time together.  It was a calm conversation that lead to our breakup.  He beat around the bush for a while, telling me he was conflicted about us, but finally said "I love you, but I don't want to be with you any longer."  This is a man who I had been with for nearly 5 years, telling me the truth, telling me things he knew would hurt, but still allowing me the respect (eventually in the conversation) of our time together.

Fast forward to today.  How many times do I hear those little white lies, and how many times am I expected to believe them.  Those little white lies from people I am supposed to trust to my very core are suddenly not so little, and leave me to believe I am not important enough to hear the truth.  Those little white lies that are often so simple, they do not even intend to hurt me, but in telling them speak volumes of where we stand in our relationship.  Telling someone you will call, then only talk for 5 minutes leaves me with a feeling that you are giving me a brush off due to not being able to tell me "Look, I really don't want to talk to you, but I know if I don't call, you may feel I am ignoring you."

There was an article a few months ago on CNN (How to tell white lies) mentioning this very issue.  It focused on social media, and if you say you are sick to your work, please forgo posting to your Facebook status how you were out all night, or worse yet, posting pictures.  The article gave you step by step processes to be vague, mention how you should include others in your lies to help you cover up what you are doing, or become a Privacy Setting guru.  Lastly, however, it did mention 5 sentences about telling the truth.  To those you are friends with, family members of, or in a dating or serious relationship with, you are discounting them at a high rate when you attempt little white lies.

In telling someone a white lie, you often are hiding the fact you are at a different place, whether physically or mentally.  While the truth is not always so easy to hear, it sometimes saves much time in the avenues of understanding, trust, and respect.  You are not only lying to the other person, you are also lying to yourself to save face, look better than you are, or show a different intent.  And once trust is gone, there are far and few situations to rebuild the trust that once was.  There is no pause, no rewind button, no "take-backs" but instead only hurt.  What once could have been a simply conversation is now so riddled and convoluted others have no choice but to wonder if what you are saying is actually true, or just another fabrication to ease your mind.

All In

The moments we spend attempting to reconcile with our past prevents us from pursuing new dreams, new hopes, new faith.

This is where the actions of today need to be more present than ever before - when attempting to move on. And this is where I am today, at this very moment. You are either all in for the present, or left to decay in the past.

I would hope when others look at my life they see someone who is all in, and for the right reasons. I would hope they see someone who is attempting to do her best every day. I would hope they would see my love shining through. But in the end, does it matter what others may see if you yourself do not also feel and see the same thing? In the end, as I stare myself down in the mirror, it matters more what I see than what the world may see.

This world is not a kind place. Finding your niche in this world may be like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. But being happy with who you are far outweighs any of life's opinions. When I look back at my life in 5 years, 15 years, 50 years, I want to never regret not saying I love you to my children enough. I want to never regret not telling the man I am in love with that he is great. I want to never regret a temporary misunderstanding separate me from the joy of knowing a friend. I want to collect moments of laughter as a hobby. I want to find things satisfying in my world, and not what the populous considers satisfying. I want to live each day, all in, with nothing left to wonder, nothing left to regret, and nothing left to desire when I breathe my last breath.

Until the next time

When in matters of the heart and mind
My mind may understand the distance
But my heart is clearly confused by the separation.

The days seem so much longer now
With waking hours containing thoughts of you
The nights not long enough
Where dreams fade quickly as the dawn light breaks into my bedroom

What I want most is to simply
Hold your hand, see your smile
Feel your breath upon my skin

The sound of your voice
Your scent, your humor
All the moments big and small
My thoughts, desires, dreams, and fears
All stirring within my atmosphere
My only wish is to simply be with you again

And while I wait to see you again
Long for the moment to stand by your side
Feel your arms around me as we embrace
My heart does not know the difference between
A minute or a week without you near
It only knows an emptiness that can only be filled
When you are near

Until the next time, when I can have you next to me
I will remain hopeful of your return to me
Until the next time, when I can hold your body close to mine
I will believe you are thinking of me too

Until the next time
Whenever my heart and mind cannot compete
But enjoy you once again, and know
We are where we need to be.

~RAL

Ruminations

"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil.
I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love."
~ Marilyn Monroe

I drove home today...home being the place I grew up during the formative years of 7th through 12th grade. This is the place where I experienced my first "heartbreak", my first kiss, my first realization that my "friends" were probably auditioning for Mean Girls before the movie was even thought of. The place I knew like the back of my hand as I would take long walks through the woods, visit with my friends, and learn about life as a teen.

In going home, I am always amazed at how much things have changed, but really are the same. The high school has new buildings and solar panelled covered parking for students. But the method of getting to the school remains the same. The roads are a bit better, but at the same time still contain potholes with the ability of taking your wheel out. The church I was married in has a new coat of paint, but still has the stained glass windows I remember looking at during the ceremony. My parent's home feels like a mausoleum of times passed.

While being up in my hometown, I thought...I thought a lot. I thought about where I am now, and what disappointments the teenager I was would feel as the adult I am now without the knowledge of experience. I thought about the expectations of what was, and the realizations of what is. I thought about what I want most out of this life, my fears, my worries, and my desires.

I have a very blessed life. My life is filled with wonderful family, and extraordinary children. My life is filled with many friends, both old and new. I want to see them all happy, and realizing their dreams. That is the most blessed gift of all when you are able to see those you love attain their goals, big or small, and watch them blossom from the experience. If I could take upon myself their problems, and fix them, or take upon myself their worries to eliminate theirs, I would in a heartbeat.

I want to also be happy - but that is the wish of every human on the planet. In my happiness, which is also coupled with my desires, I want to be loved by a man who accepts me for who I am. I want to find that person who will compliment my thoughts, desires, needs, and life. I am really tired of being alone.

While I have had relationships, and am currently dating someone, that is far different from actually having someone there for you, holding you when you feel the world is crashing down, or celebrating with you when a success has been made. That is different from being with someone when they are sick, and you are taking care of them. That is different from when life hands you a great unforeseen surprise, and you are left trying to figure out what you are going to do, together, as a team. I have always felt so insecure in dating, only because it is difficult to determine the other person's level of commitment. And knowing my level of commitment being strong, it can sometimes alienate the other person. I am not expecting every relationship I have to lead to the big picture of my life. But I do hold the relationship in the same light of responsibility, respect, and honor as I did while I was married. To this, most men see me as a person who is trying to tie them down, make them settle down. This is even more true due to the fact I have children, and they may be afraid of the instant family syndrome.

You can not just add water to my children and I and POOF! think you will need to worry about their college education. I want someone to be there for me on my worst day, and still be able to tell me they love me, and wouldn't change a thing. I want someone to be there with me on my best day, and celebrate with me as if it was there own success to be had. In a relationship, my other half''s worst day is my worst day. In a relationship, my other half's best day is also my best day. This is what I want more than anything in my life - to have someone willing to do this with me, and actually doing it with me.

I want to not have the worries of money, or if I will be able to afford something as simple as gas in my car. I want to ensure my children have everything they need, and while they may not receive all they want - they will be thankful when receiving some of their wish list items. I am tired of worrying about whether or not I will be able to do something due to money. This is such a small consideration when attempting to be with the person I am dating and needing to travel to see him. Such a small consideration when wanting to get my daughter a new pair of shoes that I know she will not like in 6 weeks, or getting my son a new pair of jeans. This is such a small consideration when I know a friend is in need, and could use some money of their own to do something.

I want to remember the dreams of the teenage Ruthe, who thought anything was possible, and did not realize she could not do something. I want to be that person who was not afraid to take risks, was not afraid to show who she is, say what is on her mind, or show her feelings to those she cares about. I want to still look at life with verve and enthusiasm. In the years since I left my parent's house behind, I have been through very trying circumstances. I want to have ease from these circumstances, even if it is to just fall in love again with someone who will stay this time around. I want my kids to grow up feeling secure in who they are, and knowing they are loved beyond anything else in this world.

Thankfulness defined

Today is Thanksgiving. This is my 34th Thanksgiving, and of course I may not remember all those days, I am not new to the holiday. Every year I think of all I have in my life to be thankful for. This is not new. I do this on a regular basis. But in the season of this holiday, it becomes ever more present than other days, I suppose.

I am not really one for the holidays. I used to enjoy them, but after hardships like relationships falling apart during the holidays (I was dumped not once, but twice during random Christmas holidays), or family issues that pursue it seems each year I almost wish the season away. I wish for January when all the hulabaloo is over. This year is no different. I really am not looking forward to the holidays. While that may sound selfish, or somehow ungrateful, I will not be spending time with all the family I would like to make the holiday memorable. I will not be seeing the person I am dating to make it memorable. I will not be doing much other than hoping the season passes, and passes quickly.

In light of this, there are things I am thankful for. I am not completely void of feelings, and would be remiss if I didn't thank the Lord for all I have in my life.

I am thankful for my mötley crew of a family, in which I have learned how to love, how to express my emotions, and learned how to be accepted as I am, hot mess and all. I am thankful for not just the family I was born into, but also the family I had once been married into. I am thankful for all those who are called I mother, father, brothers, sisters, children.

There is no difference between blood and court documents issuing or removing marital binds when it comes to my family. Their love for me, their love for my children, and their love for us as a group has demonstrated such wonderful grace beyond what I could have ever imaged 13 years ago for those the world would call my ex-inlaws.

I am thankful for the person I am dating, and all the joy he brings in my life. All the pictures he sends me of random things in his life, the text messages, the calls, and the moments we are actually together. I am thankful to him for helping me see a different side of life, of the world, and of who I am just by knowing him.

I am thankful for my friends, without whom I would not be able to sometimes make it through my day. They offer me such encouragement, love, support, and help beyond my wildest dreams.

I am thankful for my job, and the method in which it allows me to pay my bills, learn something each day, and ability to see Glenn, family, friends.

I am thankful to have a roof over my head, and a vehicle to drive.

I am thankful to know I am where I am by the grace of the Lord, and I am thankful each day for the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. Without His love, I would be lost and unable to love as I do. Without His grace, I would be hateful and unable to accept others. Without His forgiveness of my shortcomings, I would not be able to forgive those who have hurt me, or be able to look at the world as a place of opportunity.

I am thankful for every moment, both good and bad, that has led me to where I am today. For all those that hurt me, broke my heart, created dissension or only offered momentary support, they have all given me the gift of knowledge, the ability to forgive, and the path to where I am today.

Everything by Lifehouse

Have you ever listened to a song, and felt the words so deeply, or the meaning behind the words so moving they may have been writing about you? That moment of clarity in listening and understanding an emotion, desire, feeling, or circumstance?

I am so vested in my regular daily routines, I sometimes forget to sit and have quiet time. That quiet time where I reflect on my thankfulness for all I have, the days events, or prayers to the Lord offering thanks and sharing my desires is a rarity for me. Usually this time comes between dropping off kids and I am driving to work, or going to pick them up in the afternoons after work. While I enjoy the times I spend with them, it is nice to have a 5 minute breather for myself at times.

Things have been so busy lately that I have come short on this. I have failed to be thankful, failed to be compassionate, failed to give thanks, and talk to the Lord regarding the desires of my heart. Psalms 37:4 tells me to "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Yet, I fail to do this on such a regular basis that my time feels rushed in attempts to offer my thanks.

Yesterday, I was sitting at work going through my duties. I was listening to music, and the song Everything came on. This song touched me in so many ways. I have not felt peace recently. I have been so caught up in keeping my head above water I have failed to reach my hand out for support. I sat and just listened, attempted to be still long enough to embrace the love I have in my life, the goodness I have been given, the amazing life I am able to live. I am not climbing mountains, not curing cancer, not creating world peace - but the life I have is amazing by those within my life, by the grace offered me on an everyday basis. How could I not be absolutely stand in awe of what I have, and what I have been given. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to wake up daily for.

Everything

by Lighthouse

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Possibilities - What would you give

Our level of commitment can make or break a situation, relationship, or habit. It is this commitment that determines how we react when things do not go as we expect, how we interpret the world around us, and the level of emotion needed.

Often times, in this world we live in today, we forget this level of commitment. We are so easy to assume the worst, not value what we have, or take for granted the goodness that surrounds us. We forget to be thankful to those who have always been there for us, or to be thoughtful to their needs when it is not the most convenient for our own timing. It is easy to take the goodness, but not always easy to return it. There is such a fine line between telling someone how important they are, how you care for them, what they mean to you, and failing to do so simply because you think they already are aware of this.

What would you give to have that one perfect moment again - whether this be the first time you met someone, the first time you kissed, the first time you held each other in crisis, or the first time you laughed so hard you cried with them? And, in this small moment of remembrance, why do we all not remember to capture the essence of these moments on a daily basis. It is not hard to say words of encouragement, or to tell someone how you feel about them. Yet, in our ever busy, ever changing society, we fail to do this regularly, if at all. We long to recapture moments where we were the true essence of ourselves, but have forgotten to show our true essence on a daily basis.

I often think back to moments where I felt that true essence. Those moments where you feel your stomach doing topsy-turvy butterfly somersaults. Those moments when I grabbed onto what I wanted, and knew it was okay. Those moments where I could feel this electricity within the air that was so stimulating I felt overwhelmed with possibility. I try every day to not forget this feeling, and never take those moments for granted. I attempt as often as I can to tell people how I feel, and let them know how important they are. And my situation of dating, romance, whatever it is I am doing is far different than what someone else's situation, experience, or expectations may be. But in this act, I feel I am able to recapture that moment within my heart, and hopefully within theirs as well.

I am learning on a daily basis the need to let others know how I feel about them. I am trying on a daily basis to share this emotion with those in my life when I am able to. Not as a side thought, but as a purposeful declaration. I am learning the need to tell others how great I think they are, and not based on an action but based on my feelings for them. When you open the door to this possibility of sharing how you feel, you not only will increase your level of intimacy with the other person, but also feelings of trust, love, sincerity, and friendship. In this opening of the door you will discover that essence of yourself, and allow others to feel that essence.

Expectations

Expectations...we all have them. Sometimes our expectations are simply due to what others have told us would come into fruition. Other times our expectations are due to how we are viewing an outcome, and hoping for the best.

By definition, expectation is the following:

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The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen.

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That which is expected or looked for.

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The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come, esp. of property or rank.

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The value of any chance (as the prospect of prize or property) which depends upon some contingent event. Expectations are computed for or against the occurrence of the event.

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The leaving of the disease principally to the efforts of nature to effect a cure.

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My expectations are generally pretty low. I have learned in the past that people will let me down, and while they may attempt to do as they said they would, it is better to wait and see if it actually happens. I sometimes am my own worst enemy with believing in expectations, and in losing faith in them. I have experienced disappointment in both professional and personal realms.

While my expectations my be typically low, I may look at the world differently than others. I commit myself to situations 100% when knowing what I want. I commit myself to people 100% when believing in them. And it is in this belief, I have expectations they will do the same for me. But, you can not control what someone else can do, will do, feel, believe, or want. And in this, my expectations are dashed. Everything else I may have lower expectations of become used on things I believe will have a better outcome, and higher expectations in the long run.

While I would never admit this to the average person, I am highly suspicious in my expectations. I always fear that my commitment to something or someone will not be good enough, or the right type of attention. My fears increase my expectations, and leave me in a tailspin of sorts. I know this about myself, and try to manage this as best as I can. But, in being human, sometimes fail due to the outcome not matching my expectation. Or, even worse, expecting the worst and having this come to realization.

Right now, I have been praying for something very specific to occur, knowing full well that this is something only the Lord can help and provide a way for. I am placing my expectations into His hands, and attempting to go on faith. Each day, several times a day, I tell the Lord of my desires, and tell the Lord what I want. In telling what I want, I am also giving thanks for what I currently have, never losing sight that I am where I am by His grace, His love, and His support. I am hoping my expectations, my desires, my needs are provided for. I have let others who may be involved in this expectation know of my tailspin as best I can, and continue to carry on day to day, trying to do what I need to do.

Amazing grace

In my life, I have had to offer grace to others during the most difficult of times. Grace, forgiveness, the ability to turn the other cheek...I have done all those things in the "70 x 7" manner.

There have been days where I longed for grace to be returned to me; some sort of karmic exercise that the world has remembered my kind acts, and therefore pardons me if I lack some sort of judgement. It has been through grace I know I am where I am today. It is by grace I can walk through difficulties and believe I will be able to survive.

What is grace, really, other than the willingness to love others in spite of their shortcomings. As a mother, your child will test your patience, will power, love, and wisdom. Yet at the end of each day I cannot imagine a world without my children. I love them for their idiosyncrasies rather than by them being perfect. Their imperfections become perfect reflections due to love. The sleepless nights, teething, moments of random crying and diaper changes are long gone, but the need to offer my love is stronger than ever before. The need to show and demonstrate my grace is at an ever increasing need.

Much is the same for others I love, or I have loved. When I think to all the times I have offered someone grace at the moment it was not only inconvenient, but broke my heart, I would be a very wealthy woman. The moments of disappointment, overshadowing, feeling less than if feeling like I was forgotten all forgotten in the end due to grace.

In loving someone, you discover what it is to wish their happiness over yours, their comfort and strength over yours. You realize you would do anything to see a smile, to hear a laugh, to feel their touch. It is in loving someone else, demonstrating these attributes, that you learn to release, let go, and give your all. When you are able to do this, it may not always be returned. But given the right moments, the right person, and the right time - you are doing this together. Amazing grace, to overlook someone's flaws and love them anyway. Amazing grace, to know the flaws are there, but still believe the good overshadows the bad.

Travels with Ruthe

There is a show on PBS called Travels with Rick Steves. It has been airing as long as I can remember. Rick Steves takes you to places within Europe that he finds interesting, offers travel tips, and locations that you may otherwise not visit due to being an a-typical destination for tourists. Through this show I have fallen in love with the Italian Mediterranean , saw glimpses of Germany and Italy, roamed Greece...this show is the reason I want to travel to Italy.

I am not a well-versed traveler. I have been out of the country, but only once. And the trip was to Mexico which is across the border from the state I live. I have recently been able to see New York City, and have been promised a spring trip to Boston. I have been to San Francisco and New Orleans, but never Seattle or Philadelphia. I have been to Atlanta, but only on a business trip, and on the outskirts of town where I did not see much of the town. For the most part, however, I have stayed within a very close proximity to the location I live now. I have lived in Colorado, Kansas, Texas, and Arizona, but remained in an 80 mile radius from where I grew up in Northern Arizona after leaving my parent's home.

So, while it is true I have not traveled as much as I would have liked, I have enjoyed where I have been. My most recent trip was this past weekend to visit my guy for his birthday in Connecticut. It was, as is always the case, highly enjoyable. But, there were a few glitches along the way. Glitches like not having my paycheck be deposited due to an accounting issue at work while I was away, and needing to call my mother to request money in my account. Without her help, I would have either had to have my guy pay for everything, or not eat...neither of which was a choice I wanted to ask for or partake in.

My trips to Connecticut have been my favorite personal mini-vacations. They have offered me respite from my busy life, a chance to see architecture, and culture not present in the location where I live. Going to Times Square in New York is definitely not the same experience as visiting downtown Phoenix on a Saturday afternoon. Riding a train to the city is definitely not the same as taking our little light rail from my location to downtown Phoenix either.

Travels have offered me the following anticdocs for enjoying myself:
- Travel as lightly as you can. There is no need to take 5 pairs of shoes when you are away for 2 days
- Planning your trip down to every detail will only create issues when something doesn't fit into your schedule. Relax, enjoy your time with who you are visiting or traveling with.
- Unless you have promised someone a gift, don't waste too much money on trinkets. They will only collect dust, and may not be received as you expect, or may not be needed by the other person.
- Wear sunblock even if you think you do not need it, and bring lotion for your hands
- Planes will be delayed, you could be bumped off your flight. Cars may have issues, or traffic may be hectic. Go with the flow and realize you will get home when you get home.
- Take pictures, and in taking the pictures don't forget to have some taken of you
- Try something new on each trip. Don't allow fear to hold you down where you are afraid to taste something new, go somewhere you have never been
- Getting lost is half the fun. So what if you take a wrong turn on the freeway. You can always turn around. You are never truly lost if you have a general idea of where you need to go.
- Go places when you want to go. Don't suffer from the issue of "I wish I had..."
- Enjoy yourself as much as you possibly can with what you have, and never forget to say thank you.

Things I have learned in 2010

When I look back at 2010, I am not sure how I will feel about the events that led to the end of this year. In looking back, I have experienced some pretty amazing moments, coupled with life lessons and suffering I wish to never have again.

In 2010 I suffered through a car accident, watched some great spring training games, started a new job, moved into a new home, suffered through a heart break when a relationship ended unexpectedly, and the feeling of discovering someone new. I took on the challenge of a new pet, and the decision to retire a vehicle. I have traveled and seen places I had never been before like San Diego, Connecticut, and New York. I have revisited old haunts of where I used to live due to my job. I have learned to laugh more, allow myself to give all I have in a relationship, and become vulnerable to the elements that this has entailed. I have learned that when you wish enough for something, you may get it. And once you have what you wished for, you may want to return it. I have learned that someone can tell you they love you, but not want to be with you. I have learned that sacrifice is not always terrible, and trying something new can change your outlook.

2010 taught me to never rely upon what feels like a permanent reality. There is no permanence in this life. I have been lucky enough to have friends and family to lean on when I have fallen (both literally and figuratively), and more importantly who have also helped me back up. And while the heartbreak of a relationship ending was difficult, it is through that experience I have developed a new prospective of how I want to be treated in a relationship (whether dating or serious), and the need to let the other person know how I feel. I have been blessed in more than one way from this heartbreak, and am grateful for the experiences. While I wish I could spend more time with the newer person I am dating, I am thankful for the calls, texts, and time we do spend together.

2010 taught me to never back down. I have learned to fight in a different manner than before. I have learned to not give up when I feel I am right about a situation, and the difference between backing down, and giving up if I need to step back. While I miss some people I worked with at my previous employer, I am definitely happier not walking into a toxic environment every day. While I miss the clients I would train on a software application, I do not miss the politics of an office that toward the end felt more like a prison sentence. I have learned that I am valuable as an employee, and my talents will be recognized.

I think the hardest thing to do is know which road or path to take when it is unfamiliar territory. It is easier to always continue down the path that is comfortable. It is easy to stay within the boundaries you apply to yourself, or someone / something else has applied for you. But it is so liberating to change your path, walk down the unknown path, realize you may make mistakes but you are okay with that. It is all in the experience. I am working on not needing to have control of certain aspects of my life. There are things beyond my control that I simply have began to raise my eyes toward heaven and say my prayers. 2010 has been filled with these moments, and that is what I am taking with me once the year is over. I will bid farewell to the past, and look fondly on today, look forward to my tomorrows.

Trust and other misdeeds

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love,
listens but doesn't believe,
and leaves before she is left."
- Marilyn Monroe

I am not sure when it actually happened. My father was always there for me. I could always trust he would be there for me if I needed to talk, if I needed help, if I needed a hug. Growing up in a family with 2 parents I never learned to not trust, or fear that someone would leave. It was not even a question in my mind.

Trust is a fickle friend at times. Especially in dealing with relationships, other people, other people's thoughts. Trust is essential for any relationship. Regardless if this is a friendship or family member, dating or serious relationship, even co-workers and neighbors. If trust is lost, you learn to become paranoid of the unknown, what-if, and self-doubt.

Before I was married, I trusted with all my heart in anything I did. I believed I could climb the highest mountains, figure out the toughest of math equations, love without stopping, and be loved without someone leaving. During my marriage, I learned otherwise. I learned that even though someone may love you, they are not always around when you need them. That is true for even the healthiest of relationships.

From my marriage, I carried away a sense of abandonment by the person I thought would never abandon me. And for this, I carry wounds still very deep within my heart.

One of my fears, which is really just beyond what I should expect...being abandoned. It is not so much the fear of not having a relationship work. It is more the fear that I will become close to someone, develop feelings, and have that person walk out. Within this fear comes a paralyzing effect of doubt, worry, and ultimately wasted energy for something I can not control. That feeling of leaving before being left has never been my philosophy. I can understand why this could be a theory or philosophy of others, given the relationships that have left me bereft.

Due to my fear, I have learned to not let people in unless I have learned to trust them. I have a hard time opening up to others, letting them see my struggles for fear it will be too much. Letting someone in to realize I am not as perfect as they thought (perfect meaning I was what they wanted at the time) or I am not good enough is a constant battle within my heart. While I didn't grow up in this environment of distrust, I have learned patterns that may be too intense for others to understand, or to take on.

Eternal sunshine on the spotless mind

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting,by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine on the spotless mind
Each prayer accepted,and each wish resigned."

I suffer from short term memory loss at times. This is self-induced, and not a medical condition of any sort. I started doing this while working for a company in which I did not want to take any problems home with me. It was my own creative method of self-preservation. In hindsight this was helpful. But it became an issue where I honestly would not remember what I ate, what I wore the previous day, etc. And while it is great to not remember every detail, it can sometimes be overbearing in an attempt to maintain anything!

Enter a thought about what I would do if I could either a.) change things, or b.) erase bad memories from my very existence. How would I carry out my day differently. What if I could forget about the past pain I have suffered physically due to operations. Would I still have the outlook or thought I do now about those suffering with long term health issues beyond their control? What if I could forget about the pain of losing someone I loved due to death? Would I still wonder where they may be? Would I have never remembered all the wonderful moments shared due the ignorance of death? And what if I could forget the emotional strife over a failed romance? Would I forget all the instances that made me grow? Would I forget all the amazing feelings of actually falling in deep like, then in love, and how that made me feel?

In life, we are never promised anything. We are not promised success; success must be earned. We are not promised wealth by material items, or happiness from said items. We are not promised health, good looks, charm, grace, or wisdom. While we can all feel somehow sorry for ourselves during trials, who has not suffered health issues, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a love. It is in these moments you are able to define who you are, what strength you may have, and the ability to lean on others when suffering. A spotless mind may be happier for never knowing, but the person who has lived through suffering has an empathy that cannot be exchanged for any small price. And the desire to change something that was hard is the same as wishing it may have never occurred.

It is in the living we are able to grow, and it is in our pain we are able to learn strength, becoming who we need to be for the days we are about to encounter, regardless of how many days we may have left.

God's Help

An orphan girl in India was desperate to find a home. One day, she approached a visiting missionary teacher from a nearby village and asked the woman for help. The teacher had no room in her home for the girl, and no money to make a place.

"But I will pray and ask God for His help." she said, "and you do the same."

That evening , the teacher returned to her home and found a letter from a friend in the U.S. It contained a small sum of money- enough to begin providing for the orphan girl. Taking this as a sign of encouragement from God, she summoned a messenger the following morning and asked him to go to the neighboring village- a day's walk from her home- and bring the girl back. To the teacher's surprise, the messenger returned with the girl in half the expected time.

"How did you travel so quickly?" the teacher asked. The girl's answer demonstrated the strength of her faith.

"We both prayed to God for help," she reminded the teacher. "I thought I might as well start walking."

She had been halfway to the teacher's house when the messenger met her on the road. She had faith that God would meet her needs- and He did.

Unknown

Let Me Go

Let me go with dignity and grace,
But let's not pretend we can move forward
Don't pretend this is worth a fight
Because if it was you would
Have already made the effort

Tell me it is over
Let me go without delay
Stop telling me you care when
You have already forgotten my name

You told me this was real,
You told me you cared
In the end you played me like
A game to win
To conquer
And move on to the next

You walk away from me so easily
Disregard my feelings so callously
Then play off them so pretentiously
I am left in the emotional ruins
Of thoughts and words from the past
Foolishly having faith for a future
But "future" was never an intention
You wanted to make

~RAL

Where Time Stands Still

Oh, the silly thoughts of a girl. The curiosity and fear that goes into the time and effort she may put forth within a relationship. Curiosity of where this may lead, and the fear of what if it goes wrong. For me, it always seems my curiosity and fear run rampant together. I attempt to love without ceasing, but this may also be seen as neediness to some. It is not neediness, just my attempt to show the other person how important they are. And in this world we live in now, that is not always a welcome sign. Because while I may have curiosity and fear, so does the other person. Fear of how much they may need to give, or fear of being hurt themselves, I am not sure.

In relationships, when they end, it can seem to be as good as everything familiar exiting from your life. Where once you would tell this person everything, suddenly you may not have anyone to share things with. Where once you knew the person would call at a certain time every day, suddenly the clock seems against you. Little moments you would share will no longer be shared, and even the sounds that the person made, those little funny sayings, words, phrases, are gone. All that remains is an image captured during a happier moment, resting comfortably inside a frame that you wonder when you can take down without having your heart break.

Baby where's that place where time stands still
I remember like a lover can
But I forget it like a leaver will
It's no place you can get to by yourself
You've got to love someone and they love you
Time will stop for nothing else
And memory plays tricks on us, the more we cling,
The less we trust
And the less we trust the more we hurt
And as time goes on it just gets worse
So baby where's that place where time stood still
It is under glass inside a frame
Was it over when you had your fill

And here we are with nothing but
But this emptiness inside of us
Your smile a fitting, final gesture
Wish I could have loved you better

Baby where's that place where time stands still
I remember like a lover can
But I forget it like a leaver will
It's the first time that you held my had
It's the smell and the taste and the fear and the thrill
It's everything I understand
And all the things I never will

- Mary-Chapin Carpenter

Where Time Stands Still Lyrics / Music

Being a single parent is not a lifestyle choice

I married when I was 21. 5 days after getting married, I learned I was pregnant. Before I turned 22, I had become a mom. I became a mom for the second time just shortly after turning 23. And somewhere between my wedding and the birth of my second child I knew my marriage would not be withstanding the tests of time.

There were many issues within my marriage. To list them now would just feel like walking through another person's story because it happened, and I have decided to move on, let go, and not carry the anger in my heart of mistakes made by him, or by me. I attempted to hold things together as you would use super glue on a broken vase. Yet, when the vase has been dropped more than once, you lose pieces essential to the shape and design of the original piece. Toward the end of living with my husband, I was suffering anxiety and panic attacks at monumental daily records. I was 109 lbs, and on a daily basis I was afraid to go home after work for fear of what was waiting for me on the other side of the front door.

Being a single parent has been a struggle. It is not the same as deciding where you are going to eat on your lunch hour, what clothes you want to wear, or even what route you want to take anywhere you go. It isn't like I woke up one morning and thought - "You know, I think having my kids' dad around and staying married is just not what I want to do today." It was an eventual erosion of mistakes and misdeeds done by both parties. In addition to working full time, supporting my children without help from their father, I am also the sole person responsible for being their personal chauffeur, chef, coach, teacher, nurse, accountant, mentor, and disciplinarian. There is no one helping me in the mornings with gathering lunches together, unless I ask my son. There is no one helping me in the chores around the house unless I can have help from either kid. There have been times when I was not sure how I would pay my bills, much less worry about a birthday party or Christmas presents. And through it all, my kids have never seen my once storming anger toward their father, or even know my true feelings about a person I pledged my life to.

No, this is not a lifestyle choice. This was a decision out of necessity. Most single parents do not "opt" to be alone, or attempt to do this on their own. This was not something I did in a whim. This was a means to a better end for both myself, and my kids, but also my husband.

As a single parent, I am truly and utterly offended when someone says "oh, you are a single mom."

Really?

Or when attempting to date someone who is trying to be nice, but also probably worried about what my extra baggage will cost them in the long run, "Wow, you have kids. I am not sure about the kid thing."

Really? Thank you, Captain Obvious. Not only have you dug up every fear of my never finding a mate due to being a single mom, but you managed to yet again make me feel like I somehow chose to be living this life as I must.

Really, I applaud you for your assumed sincerity, but at the same time please don't do me any favors.

I am sure there are other single parents out there who may be actively searching for the other half of the parenting team, and desire a mother or father for their kids. There are a number of reasons why someone has to walk the road of single parenthood beyond divorce; death being one of them. But I am not actively searching for a father to my kids. They have a father. I am not looking for someone to take me on financially while I sit idly by and quit everything I do. The assumption I would give more responsibility to another person than what they may want is not only hurtful, but also a recipe for disaster. I am searching for love, for acceptance, and for joy. I am not wanting others to look at me and think "Oh, poor Ruthe" and feel the need to care for me in any other way than that of love. I do not want others looking at me and thinking "Yikes! Single mom. That means lots and lots of eventual drama."

This would be similar to me telling someone "Wow, you are going bald," "Wow, you are old," or "Wow, you lack intelligence." There are some things you can not help as an individual. I don't point out obvious flaws within someone else, so why point out the fact I am a single mom as if it is a flaw. I can not change this aspect of my life in being a mom, nor would I ever want to.

You create your own drama. You create your own situations for the most part. And if I feel you are worthy of meeting my kids, don't turn around and use that as your weapon of choice to walk away.

Things NOT to write in a Christmas card

Last Christmas was probably the first time in years I was in the holiday mood. I was so excited to have the Christmas tree up. Once up, I had 13 strands of lights on the thing that it blew a breaker and I had to find extension cords that would work for various plug-ins around the living room. I wanted to share my good will toward all by adopting a family and helping them with food and presents during the holiday season. I was SO excited to see the kids open their presents, to spend time with family, and enjoy everything the season had to offer.

I worked in an office where I had been employed for over 4 years. In that four years it was customary to give each other Christmas cards. Last year, while having good cheer, I decided I was only going to give cards to those I wanted to, and be genuine in my actions. That was, until I received a Christmas card from my ex-boyfriend, who was also working at the same company.

"Dear Ruthe Anne Lane (may I still call you that?)

I sincerely hope you believe me when I say that I am really sorry for the way things have worked out between us. I wish it would have been different. Everytime I pass you in the hallway, I want to smile or say "hello" to you. I don't know if you are angry with me or just don't want to acknowledge me right now. I would understand -- whatever the reason- it just hurts me to feel this silent tension from someone with whom I shared some wonderful experiences.

I don't know what you are doing this holiday, but whatever it is, I hope you, Emberleigh, and Tyler all have a wonderful Christmas this year.

Love always,
Michael"

Um, wow! When I first read it I was extremely upset. I was angry. How could he give me a card after starting a new relationship with someone else while we were still together? I believe this is called cheating. But then, I burst into a good healthy laugh. I was no longer pining for this idiot. I was happy to not deal with his issues any longer. As I shared this with friends, we came up with clever ways to respond, if I ever responded. Below are two of the options.

My response:
"Dear Michael,

Thank you for your warm holiday wishes, and, no, you may not call me that any longer.

Had you not lied, made excuses, or cheated things would be different. I have moved on, and don't feel the need to live in the past.

Enclosed you will find a pack of matches. Due to this being the season of good will to all men, I've decided to give them to you rather than use them on you. They will accompany the bag of coal (also enclosed) to keep you warm this season.

Many happy returns,
Ruthe"

An option submitted by a friend, Jessica Higgins:
"Hello,

First let me begin while it was nice of you to get me this card. You could just have said Merry Christmas. However you decided to try and turn a simple card into a way to sound like a nice guy so let me take a mo...ment to answer some of your dumb questions (and really who asks questions in Christmas card? you need to be in the special class by the way).

#1 - no you may not call me by my middle name. You aren't my mother and the fact you had to ask leads me to believe that you knew you couldn't. ...

#2 no you probably shouldn't talk to me because when you could you caused too many problems for me both professionally and personally. So its probably best that you do the whole nod and smile and walk away. Also and this the most important since you have a problem with the truth and you've decided to start a relationship with someone who used to be a friend of mine, and I told you was opportunistic and just overall disgusting and had the nerve to hide it from me. What makes it better you probably were cheating on me because you couldn't be man enough to just end it...I think its probably best that we just don't speak. And when you have an opportunity look up silent treatment you should. Then think of how I treated you the last few months. See a pattern here? Ok good.

#3 if you see me driving at a high rate of speed do not A. Wave, and B. Step in front of me. You will get hit.

#4 you haven't changed and you need to grow a backbone. Once you have maybe we can speak, but since I have never heard of someone growing a backbone after birth please refer to #2.

#5 I know this is a lot to take in so I will keep this short. A card with these corny lines will not aid in your forgiveness. You are still scum and deserve whatever comes your way. Maybe the clap. Also when I asked for items back it isn't a joke. Please return them. Finally Merry Christmas. I know that writing this makes you feel better and maybe gives you some sort of piece of mind, but really it doesn't make me feel any better. You are a loser.

Enclosed you will note a bomb. Yeah a bomb because you are a cry baby and I am going to have to blow this up. Because any evidence of me speaking to you is frowned upon. I know this from personal experience. We also know you can't keep your mouth shut. Any chance you get it you run and tell.

Have a great holiday loser.

I am happy and healthy. It is a wonder what happens to a person when they finally find happiness and a healthy relationship.

Goodbye,

P.S. Holiday cards are not required. So next time there is a holiday that requires a card just say Merry Christmas...it will prevent this awkward experience from happening again"

Angels Unaware

Within the trilogy of songs from Michael W. Smith, this song is the last. After feeling my emotions so raw, feeling I would be revealed to the world in "Breathe in me," this song renewed my strength the day I fell apart, as described in a previous post. This song, while completely different, echos everything I needed on that particular day, and every day since.

My life has been a battle of pros and cons. Who's life is not the same way? None of us have the picture perfect life every day. Within the pros and cons, I am blessed enough to say I have had angels within my life. The people within my life have been instrumental in where I am now. And while some have been short-lived friendships, they have all taught me something. For this reason, they are all a blessing. I have been fortunate to have prayers answered in such amazing methods. I have been fortunate to have things come together when I had the inability to make ends meet on my own.

Days before I broke down in Macy's, I said a prayer. It was the Tuesday after Mother's Day, 2004. I woke up, mid panic attack, as was the usual circumstance for that time in my life. Along with the panic of a bad marriage, I was suffering other ailments. I was months away from health insurance at work. Unfortunately, in the weeks before I had suffered from my molars abscessing on both sides of my mouth for a grand total of 4 times (2 times on each side). During the abscessing my face would swell to the size of a scary character you would see in a Disney character. The pain was so bad I could not sleep, and would thrash in pain. I was concerned about my need for new contacts, and how I was going to pay for them. I had been reading this book about gratefulness, and thankfulness at the time, and as I was getting ready for work, and feeling overwhelmed, that book and what it was saying came into focus.

I immediately started praying. I prayed for a couple who were about to get married. I prayed for my children, and for those in my life. I prayed to have a good day at work, and to sell something - anything - 2 days after Mother's Day in a cosmetic / fragrance department. I also prayed that someone, anyone, would want to open a Macy's credit card, and prayed that the person opening the card would not have money issues due to my request. I prayed my teeth would not cause me any issues until my health insurance started. I prayed my contacts would last until my health insurance started. I prayed I would just have a good day.

Most of what I prayed for was out of my control. I could not control if someone purchased something, or opened a darn credit card. I could not control if my teeth decided to abscess again, or if my eyes decided they could not handle the contacts I was using. All out of my control, and I knew this.

When I got to work that morning, and as the store opened, a friend of mine who worked at the eye doctor next to Macy's came into our store. My counter was the first counter you would arrive at when entering the first floor entrance, and due to the close proximity of our stores, we had developed a friendship. When she walked in, she came to me and asked "We have some sample contacts in your prescription. Do you need contacts?" Are you kidding me? I was so grateful for her thinking of me, and having the courage to ask me the question. I gladly accepted the contacts that helped me for another 9 months.

Throughout the day, I was amazed at my friend's kindness. And in my thanking God, I began to see other tangible moments of my prayer being answered. By the end of the day I sold over $1,000 in my department - an unheard of amount for the location where I worked, and for the time of year it was. I opened 4 cards that day, and walked away knowing that the Lord was there, helping me. None of the items that day were ever returned to dock my commission later on. My teeth had not been bothering me, either.

Two weeks later, when all was said and done; my contacts were great, and my good day selling items and opening cards was over, the Bishop of my church came in unexpectedly. I had not been going to church due to working most Sundays. I had only met the man 2 other times. It was a shock for him to come into my work only due to not even realizing he knew where I worked. In fact, I hadn't really even shared much about my life with him. He didn't know my marriage was falling apart, or that I was days away from leaving my husband. He didn't know that literally days before he came in I was crumpled on the floor crying to the songs I am writing about.

"Ruthe, I was driving on the freeway. I was headed home, but was so compelled to pull off on Alma School. The Lord told me I needed to check about how your teeth are doing? Are you having issues with your teeth?"

What do you come back with on this question? "Uh, no. Things are good" out of shame or "Yes, I have been in extreme pain but it hasn't been bad in the past few days"? I let him know what was going on, and how painful it had been, but that my insurance was ready to start in a month, and I would be able to have things looked at then.

"Ruthe, I want you to go to my dentist. I am calling him now, and you will have an appointment tomorrow. Don't worry about the cost, I will take care of that for you."

True to his word, the very next day I had my teeth fixed. True to his word, I didn't have to pay for this at a time I didn't have extra money.

And as I was finished, and rehashing the prayer, rehashing the moments that had passed and the amazing things that had happened, I once again felt that spiritual embrace surround me. My angels unaware were sent directly to me for a reason, for a purpose. Since this time I have believed if I ask for something that I need, something that I am unable to do on my own, the Lord will always provide for me, and always provide an angel by my side to help me stand and walk when I feel I cannot go any further.

Maybe there's a light in my soul
Maybe it flickers like a neon sign
Outside an abandoned hotel
Maybe there are things you just can't know
But can you say there are no mysteries
In the house you choose to dwell
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Maybe there's a place where we will fly
But some say God is dead like Nietzsche said
And faith has made me a fool
But maybe there is more than meets the eye
Who's that stranger there beside you?
Don't be smug and don't be cruel
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Battles of the heart and of the mind
We stay caught in mental purgatory
'Til our existence can be defined
Meanwhile on the shores of parallel
There may be a hold conference held
Somewhere
Discussing all mankind

Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware