Choose the Right

I was looking at my friend Trasi's status on Facebook last night, and became enamored with the simple statement she made.  "Today I chose church over studying. It feels good to CTR for no other reason than that."

So simple, so heartfelt, and so Trasi.  Choosing the right, regardless of what other forces may be presented to us, is not always an easy task.  It is sometimes easier to do the opposite because the opposite always seems to involve far less time, far less interaction.  Yet, as any shortcut proves, it is not as worth the reward at the end of the day as if we only chose to do a job well done than a half shot we sometimes would prefer to offer.

In a world that offers plenty of distractions, many different routes that provide options to do something we probably shouldn't, and always offers up many excuses for our actions, what does it look like to choose the right?  What does that mean in today's world?

Does that mean we forgo gossip when someone is willing to share it so easily?  Does that mean we must lock ourselves in our homes, not letting outside forces of the world to enter in? Does that mean we sacrifice what others would consider happiness for our own brand of happiness that we understand to be of a higher calling?

In choosing the right, we must determine what that means.  There are obvious 'rightness' we are all aware of based on morality and consequences that befall the opposite.  For example, we understand by the morals of the land, and consequences of others, killing someone is not right.  We also know that stealing is not right, harming others is not right, and so on. 

But what about when making a decision that does not favor us, but is better for all involved.  How easy is it to make a decision if someone else's life hangs in the balance, along with our own.  What if we are faced with making a decision that will be painful, but it is the right decision?  A decision where we must place as much prayer and thought into our actions to do the right thing as much as our intentions and reflections of our hearts. What does it mean when we are forced with a decision that effects others around us, and how their lives will forever change?  What about those decisions that alter your state of being, state of spirit, and state of purpose?  "For I cried out to him for help, praising him as I spoke." -Psalm 66:17. 

Choosing the right is much more than making sure you are following the law of the land, the law offered by religious practice, or by the mind set of men.  It is the ability to choose the right within our hearts, within our spirit, and within our soul.  If basing this off faith and that of a religious belief, we are not promised that in doing the right we will have instant happiness.  If that were true, everyone would always do what is right.  We are, however, promised blessings based on those tough decisions.  What seems like a decision we do not want to make at one moment in our life turns to be a decision we are able to look back on, and offer praise and thanksgiving for.  Choosing the right is not for the immediate needs or goals.  It is for the everlasting desires and dreams we all have.  The desire to have a happy life, the desire to be surrounded by joy, and the dream for those we love to also be surrounded with joy.

If we are the body

I am a white female, blending into the proverbial room nicely - I don't stick out like a sore thumb, and I am also not going to necessarily shine like a star.  I prefer it this way.  

As a female I have experienced some difficulties based on the gender I was born. Not as many as generations before me, however.  At the end of the day, I am someone who has had very little issue with fitting in, I think from time to time everyone feels this in some way or another. But not the difficulties other friends have experienced by being gay, being darker in skin tone. 

I am a Christian, and highly spiritual, but have friends who are Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist...as a Christian living in the United States, I have had very little ridicule based on my faith.  If I was born somewhere else, that may be different.  I don't feel the need to apologize for my political or religious beliefs, holding them closely to my heart.  I welcome others to discuss their faith and political ideals if they are, in turn, willing to actively listen to my sentiments.  We may not agree, but it is the sharing that I find important.  We may come from different thought patterns or ideals, but it is learning how and why someone feels the way they do you are truly able to respect those thoughts.

I am not gay.  I have never held an attraction to someone of the same sex, nor have I ever entertained the idea of having a relationship with someone of the same sex.  That is not how I was born. From a very early age I remember having crushes on boys - heck, I still remember the name of my crush in Kindergarten through 2nd grade.  Paxton.  He had dark hair, was a nice boy, and I always wanted to sit next to him if we had small group circles where we sat next to people. I do, however, have openly gay friends and family members. It hurts my heart to see some of the struggles they go through based on their heart.  Discussions at length have occurred with some of them.  Some of my friends have struggled for years with emotions and feelings they tried to suppress from those closest to them for fear of rejection.  Some have struggled with that end result of rejection from those who once called themselves friends.  And maybe the worst is when you are rejected from your family, those who you are bound to by blood and birth.  Over time, feelings may change.  Over time, reactions that once were the source of pain may be calmed.  

Here are my thoughts, and while some may not agree with me, and that is fine.  My thoughts come from a place that is genuine in love for my family and friends who have a difficult time with the reaction of others.

Putting yourself into someone else's shoes is often very difficult, and not as easy a task as we would assume.  I am far from perfect, and will never say that I am perfect.  I would rather have myself surrounded by loving, supporting, caring individuals.  Some times this will include those who share different opinion than mine, different backgrounds, experiences, ideals than those I hold for myself. 

As a Christian, I believe we are to love everyone.  Loving someone is not an emotion - it is a choice.  It eventually develops into what we associate with emotion, but in the end, we all have a choice to love someone.  As a Christian, I believe my loving others is not segregated by differences of ethnicity, religion, education, color of skin, height, weight, political views, or sexual orientation. I will not always get along with everyone I meet; that is the nature of being human.  But I do have the ability to respect all those I meet, and just as loving someone is a choice, so is respecting others.  

We are taught in church to accept others, yet sit and pass judgement as we look around at the congregation.  While we may not be doing this purposely, it still settles into our hearts, into our minds, and carries over into our daily lives.  If Christ was able to accept all who came to him, both while on earth and in today's age, why do we feel we are so much mightier to judge others?  As if our lives are so much more valuable than another person's life? In speaking from the heart, I feel no need to judge another person based on their skin color, religion, sexual preference. 

We are taught from the Bible that Jesus walked this Earth, befriending those who were seen as less than desirable.  He befriended those that were seen as having value as well.  His love didn't stop based on someone's physical health, or their choices made in life.  He showed the highest example by knowing how to love others not based on what the world knows them as, but as His Father saw them - a beautiful soul created in His image.  There are no accidents when it comes to His love for us; He does not withhold His grace from us based on attributes mentioned above. The Lord accepts us as we are, where we are, for who we are.  Jesus accepted others in the same manner, showing us an example of the highest quality of love.  Why are we unable to do the same thing?  At the end of the day, I do not want to have the role of judge for the world when I sometimes cannot even manage my own life effectively.  I believe that role should only be held by Heavenly Father.  It is not my job to pass judgement upon someone else.

If we hold the belief that we are all God's children, we need to start practicing what we preach.  We need to accept others, regardless of how they may appear when walking through our church doors. We need to look beyond skin tone, sexual preference, and religious belief and truly love others as If we are the body of Christ, we need to actively love others regardless of previous 'sins' committed.  If we are all followers of Christ, we need to see the beautiful spirit others have, and remember we are all beautiful in the eyes of Christ.  We are never to assume authority or supremacy above others simply because they are different.

We are all unique.  We are all special in one form or another.  There is not another person out there, wandering through their lives, experiencing the exact same situations, thoughts, and emotions as I am.  We will all make mistakes in our lives, we will all follow a path based on our desires, our experiences.  Others will make decisions we do not like, hurt others for unknown reasons.  People will make decisions that make us feel proud to know them, hopefully feeling blessed in their joys.  

In the end, we are all created in His image, created to love Him, and created to learn while we are here on His Earth. 

Isaiah 55:6-11

 

 

Seek the LORD while He may be found; 

   call on Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way 

   and the evil man his thoughts. 

Let him turn to the LORD,
   and He will have mercy on him, 

and to our God, for He will freely pardon.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, 
   

   neither are your ways My ways,” 
          
       declares the LORD. 

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, 

   so are My ways higher than your ways 

   and My thoughts than your thoughts. 

As the rain and the snow 

   come down from heaven, 

and do not return to it 

   without watering the earth 

and making it bud and flourish, 

   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is My Word that goes out from My mouth: 

   It will not return to Me empty, 

but will accomplish what I desire 

   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

 

   (Isaiah 55:6-11)

Keep the faith

This could be another baseball post...given the fact this image is of Boston, with "Keep the Faith" and "Go Sox" off in the background.  It could be about the hope a fan may have for their team at the beginning of the season, the middle of the season, end of season, all the way up to play-offs and, hope above all hopes, winning the pennant.  It could be...but really, it is about something bigger.  

What does it mean to keep the faith?  What does that statement truly mean into a society where we are so focused on surviving, on what we think we want vs. what we think we need?  Does this sign serve as a simple reminder at the end of the day to not give up?  Or just another reminder that we need to keep going, continue on our path and not lose our way?

When I was younger, it was easier to keep faith.  Things were simple. I had faith my parents would be there for me.  I had faith I would go to school, see my friends.  I had faith on the simplest of levels.  I believed with the simplest of thoughts.  As time has passed, that simplistic approach has changed.  

Somehow along the journey of my life, my heart has been broken, I have learned people cannot always be trusted, learned that those who claim to be there for you will not be when it is not convenient for them.  I have learned to not reveal my heart as an open book due to those that have abused my heart.  I have learned sometimes, regardless of how hard you may try, if the other person is not willing to meet you even half way you will get hurt.  Suddenly the things I had faith in on the simplest of levels has now become complicated beyond measure.  That spirit of carefree, loving enjoyment is gone.  

Sometimes I need the reminders that things will be okay, or that I can do something.  Sometimes I need a reminder that this is a beautiful world, a beautiful life.  Sometimes I need that billboard shouting out to keep the faith, because it is a reminder in action to take it upon myself to continue on, ever being thankful.

Those decisions you can't take back

Every day we have a chance to start anew - new sunrise, new hope, new day to begin.  We have the ability to move passed any pain from yesterday, believing today will be the day we are able to overcome our fears, overcome previous hurts, overcome previous haunts.

It would be nice to live in a world where a new dawn truly represented a clean slate.  A new day where everything was fresh again.  A day where decisions we made yesterday, or yesteryear no longer haunt us.  But this is not how life works.  Our hearts are fickle.  We rely upon the past to protect us today.  We learn that if we touch something that is hot, it will burn.  We commit this to memory, rely upon this as a safeguard.

Do we ever really get over the decisions we made, move forward, and never rehash those moments in our heads and hearts again?

I can remember decisions I made that I wish I had done differently.  I remember the smell in the air, the way the light was reflecting in the room as I made my decision.  I can remember the background noises, quiet, undefined, but deafening none the less.  That moment where I crossed the line from unsure to definite in the decision process, so much like crossing the finish line at some imaginary race my mind was running.  That feeling of knowing I could not go back once the action occurred.  And the terror to realize maybe I could have chosen differently, had a better outcome, higher success rate had I just thought a bit longer.  These decisions are not for the faint of heart.  They are not the decisions you can joke about.  It isn't a "Coke or Pepsi?" type of decision.

Sometimes, there is no ability to know if you are making the right decision.  You have to go on faith.  There is no right or wrong answer, only a different path that you will start upon.  Other times, it is a great struggle because you know it alters your world in such a way you are forever changed.  Those decisions, those that affect your heart, mind, body, and soul; those are the decisions where your view of the world is no longer what it was 10 seconds beforehand.  Those are the decisions that can't be changed.  Good or bad, you now must live with the responsibilities of your decision.  You must somehow learn to move passed the pain, to learn to love again, laugh again, trust and hope again. 

I hope to be able to move passed the pain.  I hope I can learn how to love again, to laugh again.  I hope I know how to trust again.  I want to believe again.  And that all just takes time, I suppose.

Don't You Remember

It is always interesting to me the events to lead up to, and eventually establish an end to something.  This end could be anything, really.  An end to the day, an end to the year, an end to a relationship, an end to a friendship.

In so many ways, it is always the smallest of details and smallest of moments that seem to be lost in that time, but remembered as monumental later on.  That small glance, that moment of silence.  That slight shift within the universe that separates us from what we were then to what we are now.  So insignificant at the time, yet so earth shattering later on in the grand retrospect.

As if a break up or ending is not hard enough, it is when one person is not completely straight-forward, where they proclaim honesty when they have not been completely honest that the true devastation occurs.  That is what is remembered long after the tears have dried, the smile returns, and the heart is mended from the loss of love.  In the moment, it may seem they are saving the other person pain, but what they don't know is that they have created more pain than they may have thought of.  Proclaiming that time is needed, contemplating where their heart is, when they have already made a decision regarding their heart is not only hurtful, but incredibly cowardly.  In being treated as an option, and declaring their feelings but not listening to the other's feelings is not only insensitive, but selfish.  All these things and more can leave scars upon a heart, and bitterness upon future relationships.

In the need to act as an adult, to act as a person who will walk away with her head held high, and knowing he will never tell me the truth, I am at a crossroads.  A crossroad of feeling that if I am not worth the full truth, I was not worth his time in the first place.  A crossroad of feeling betrayed by his 'honesty' or lack thereof because any words he may say now are forever tarnished with the knowledge of what has transpired in the in-between.  A crossroad of where I once felt a strong resolve to care, to support, and to share I now feel a strong resolve to close off my heart forever, let him fall if he may, and not look back on yesterday when his smile was what I longed to see most. 

Due to the knowledge of his deceit, my heart is forever closed off.  In the future I may be able to talk to him, to be kind to him, but not in the same method in which he knows me, not in the same method he is accustomed to.  In the future I may be able to forgive and forget, but at this moment in time, my heart is shattered from the deceit, and not really from his departure.  To have our lives be so trivialized by his words hurts; to have my feelings disregarded so carelessly is confusing.  To have him believe that he has been honest with me is wrong.

Believing in others

Start believing in others before they succeed and have success. 
Give your time to help their dreams become realities; 

you'll never regret it.

What a simple thought, that at the same time seems so difficult to do with some people.  In some ways, this is the model for how we believe in our partners we choose to walk through life with, our children, our friends...we believe in them sometimes before they even believe in themselves, or are aware of what they can do.

Success is a measurable level of satisfaction in a job well done.  This success may be in school, profession, happiness in general.  If we are unable to help others with their success, how do we, in turn, expect our own success to occur?

As we meet the partner we want to walk with throughout our lives, there are many qualities needed.  We need patience, grace, trust, respect, and finally love.  Without the other attributes or qualities, we would not be able to love.

Love is not an emotion, but rather a choice.  It is a choice for you to love someone.  And while there are feelings that incorporate this decision, ultimately it is by choice, and by patience, grace, trust, and respect that you make that choice to be with someone.  Through this, you also learn more about the other person.  You learn about their hopes, their dreams.  In helping them acquire their dreams, you are able to realize your own dreams.  In recognizing their fears, you are able to believe with them that fear is temporary, and due to unknown outcomes.  

We need patience in the relationship with our partner for differences that may occur, or different thoughts we may share, each in our own unique beauty.  We need grace, allowing for mistakes to occur, but knowing the mistake was an action, and not necessarily representative of the person who made the mistake.  We need trust.  Trust to know they will come through for us when needed.  Trust they are going to stay when we feel we are not even possibly worthy of their attention or affection.  We need respect...respect for their decisions, their desires, dreams, fears, and struggles.  All this embodies the guidelines for what we refer to as love.  It is not always easy, and sometimes it may feel we are giving more than we may be getting in return.  But if we are only seeking something in return, we are believing for the wrong reasons.

With children, you believe in them right from the start.  It is more of a hope in the beginning as you learn more about what your child is actually capable of doing.  But as they grow, you believe in their ability to sleep through the night, feed themselves, walk, use the bathroom unassisted.  Yes, you are helping them along the way - you are giving them tools they need to succeed, but you believe in them to allow that sharing of your experiences to help them succeed.

In our daily lives, this is also what Heavenly Father offers us.  He always offers free will.  He allows us to make our own choices.  But he also offers us His patience, he allows us His grace, He trusts us to make the decisions that are right for us.  In return, we must never forget to be respectful of His plans for us, regardless if it may not be the avenue we believe we should be traveling.  We must never forget to love Him, call upon Him, and seek out His love.  It is not always easy, for if it were easy we would never understand how to give thanks. But through this, we achieve the greatest degree of success...we have success not only on this earth, but also in the Heavens.

Emergency Telephone Numbers

Emergency Telephone Numbers
These are more effective than 911
When -
You are sad, phone John 14
You have sinned, phone Psalm 51
You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91
People have failed you, phone Psalm 27
It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139
Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11
You are alone and scared, phone Psalm 23
You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19-34
You are hurt and critical, phone 1 Corinthians 13
You wonder about Christianity, phone 2 Corinthians 5:15-18
You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 11:25-30
It feels as if the world is bigger than God, phone Psalm 90
You need Christ like insurance, phone Romans 8:1-30
You are leaving home for a trip , phone Psalm 121
You are praying for yourself, phone Psalm 87
You require courage for a task, phone Joshua 1
Inflation's and investments are hogging your thoughts, phone Mark 10:17-31
You are depressive, phone Psalm 27
Your bank account is empty, phone Psalm 37
You lose faith in mankind, phone 1 Corinthians 13
It looks like people are unfriendly, phone John 15
You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126
You feel the world is small compared to you, phone Psalm 19
You want to carry fruit, phone John 15
Paul's secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17
With big opportunity/ discovery, phone Isaiah 55
To get along with other people, phone Romans 12
 
ALTERNATE NUMBERS
 
For dealing with fear, call Psalm 47
For security, call Psalm 121:3
For assurance, call Mark 8:35
For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18
 
ALL THESE NUMBERS MAY BE PHONED DIRECTLY.
NO OPERATOR ASSISTANCE IS NECESSARY.
ALL LINES TO HEAVEN ARE AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY.
FEED YOUR FAITH, AND DOUBT WILL STARVE TO DEATH

All emergency numbers are republished from http://www.jrsbible.info/bible.htm 

Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand

The work God does may not be in changing the situation you are in, but in changing you in the situation. God may not always calm the storms in your life, he may just calm the storm inside of you.  

My cousin Rachel posted that as her status in Facebook today. Such a sweet way to think of all the struggles we may come across in our lives.  That storm that rises up, seems to sweep us away, and allows us to feel hurt or lost.  How many times have I felt that storm in my life?  How many times have I felt that storm in the past few days?

In the past few days I have felt this great sensation of drowning.  That feeling of attempting to reach for someone to save me, and feel that there is no one there who will understand how I am feeling.  I know this to NOT be true, but it doesn't stop those feelings from creeping in, late at night, as I have nothing else but my thoughts and prayers to keep me.  It does not stop those feelings from invading my peace of mind, peace of heart, and peace of spirit.  It does not stop me from feeling what I want and desire most is something I may never have.  

 In a world where I have so much to be thankful for, so many blessings that are provided and bestowed upon me, it is always in the troubled times I seem to feel this way.  Right now, my heart is heavy.  Right now, I feel I will crumble at any moment.  Right now, I feel poor in spirit, and unable to give to anyone the kindness or tenderness needed.  But there are moments where I feel that sweet spirit of God, holding me, helping me to become strong, and not to feel weary.  It is hard to escape my pain, my loneliness, my emptiness, but that sweet spirit is always there, waiting for me to embrace and cling to.  Waiting for me to let go.  Waiting for me to come to Him with my needs, my desires, my wishes and express them to Him.  

 Proverbs 121 has such amazing strength when reading the words penned thousands of years ago, in a world that is far more harsh than mine.  The promises it offers, the sweet surrender I must offer is scribed in a manner I wish my sensitive heart could have thought of.  Our journeys are not about looking behind us, longing for the past, or fearing the past.  Our journeys are in front of us, waiting for us to begin again each day.  Every day I attempt to remember this, especially now.  And while it is a struggle, I know someday I will have all my wants fulfilled in ways I never could have imagined.  And so, until that day, I guess I need to just remember how unique, how special, how prized I am as His child.  How intricate He designed me.  How He has all of this in His hands, and the solutions have already been made if I follow the path I need to follow. 

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip -
He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you
The LORD is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121

Storm

There are very few that may see my fears, even fewer who actually get my fears.  Some days I am intense, and need someone else to just listen rather than offer their opinions.  Other days I need those opinions and feedback.  Right now, those fears, those opinions, feedback...they all lead into this storm I am feeling.  Right now, I feel like I am drowning in all the emotions I am feeling, and there is no hand to reach for, no one to pull me up, no one to rescue me.  For all the faith I have in this world, and all the love I know I have, I feel very alone, very small, very frightened.  While I know things will be okay, it doesn't stop those feelings from being present, from showing their ugliness.

So many thoughts running through my head right now, and none of them that actually even make sense.  So many questions, what-ifs, and scenarios of what I should do now, in this moment I am in, and where I should go.  The only thing that seems to make sense is writing things out, getting my thoughts out.   I feel somewhat insignificant, and unable to clarify all those thoughts.  Talking to someone about how I am feeling really won't help.  At this point, I don't want to burden anyone with my thoughts when I cannot even think clearly.

I love the moments in my life, and I love the people that shape my life.  But my life, the moments within my life, the people who shape my life, all feels so blurry right now.  I know this life has much more to offer me, I just wish I could see when the storms I feel I have will pass, and the sun will be shining again.  I am tired of the rain cloud that seems to dominate my every mood.  I try my best each day, give of myself probably more than I receive in return. Some days I feel I give, and give, and give with very little in return.  It is not my objective to receive something in return, but when I am staring at my phone, needing to talk to someone, and unable to call the only person I really want to talk to, all the other numbers seem to be a huge pattern of numbers rather than a connection to the outside.

I keep wondering how long will things be like this?  At what point do I receive what I need, what I want?  If I am so deserving of great things, how come I have been in this struggle for so long, feeling that I am always living hand to mouth.  When I feel that slight bit of happiness it seems to run away from me as quickly as it can.  Whenever I feel I may be able to have those things I desire it seems they are more like castles in the sand, where the tide has rushed in and is gone quicker than anyone can imagine.  I keep searching for possibilities, and all I seem to find is the impossible.  And to me, when someone says something is impossible it means they just don't want to try.  They don't feel I am worth the investment of their time.  And it seems to be a constant theme.  At what point do I just surrender, give up, and move forward realizing that maybe I am not supposed to have someone to love me, maybe I am not supposed to have happily ever after.  Maybe what I have right now is all I will ever have.  Because in all those things I am told I deserve - they seem to escape me over and over.  I want so desperately to just break down, give up, and realize what I have been going through for so many years is what I will always have - loneliness.

So, I found this song today, and the lyrics seem to fit this mood.  Oddly enough, the song is called Storm. 

how long have I

been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't

bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright

Contemplations of the heart

One of my favorite books of the Bible is the Book of Ruth.  Maybe I like this part of the Bible due to Ruth also being my name - after all, there are not too many of us out there.  I remember reading this story over and over as a child, sitting in church, attempting to pay attention to what my father was talking about while giving his talks.  The number of times I have read this story are unknown. But the lessons of this story, and the meaning of my name, are the attributes I strive to live by.

The name Ruth is Hebrew for beautiful friend.  This may have been due to the woman in the Bible, and the methods in which she demonstrated her friendship with others, and her willingness to follow through with the Lord's plans for her, making difficult decisions along the way.  The condensed version of the story is as follows:

Ruth was a young woman, married to an Israelite living in her own country of Moab.  During this time, she watches her own husband die, along with her father-in-law and brother-in-law.  About this point, her mother-in-law, Naomi, decides to go home to Israel.  She requests Ruth go home to her family, to her people, to her God, and find happiness again.  She encourages her to marry again, and have a fruitful life.  Ruth could have agreed to this, but she decided to go a different path.  She recognized her mother-in-law as her family, and rather than turn her back on her husband's mother, she instead tells her:

"Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried. The LORD do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me." 

(Ruth 1:16–17 NKJV)

As a result, Ruth becomes a part of lineage that includes that of King David, her great-grandson.  How does a woman go from following her mother-in-law into an unknown land to being part of royalty?  Once moving, she meets Boaz.  With her mother-in-law's blessing, she marries Boaz, has a son, and begins a rich history in a book that is more than just a book to me.

Contemplations of the heart.  How easy would it have been for Ruth to stay where she was comfortable?  How much easier would it have been for her to never follow her mother-in-law into a new land of uncertain future, adopt a faith that was foreign to her, and discover her true calling?  How great is a love for someone that you willingly decide that regardless the outcome, they are worth the risk in leaving all that is familiar to set forth to an unknown destination?  The beauty of this woman is not who she became, but who she was willing to be.  Her willingness forever changed history for generations to come, and Biblical history so deeply important to many faiths around the world.  

I don't know if Ruth was fearful of her decision, and how her own family would feel. I don't know if she and Naomi discussed things greater than what is described within the pages of the Bible.  I don't know if there was great turmoil within her own heart at the decision to follow Naomi, or to stay with her people.  But I do know her actions, so eloquently described within the pages of the Bible, have spoken deeply to me over the years.  Her actions, so small at the beginning of following her mother-in-law, turned into such huge change within her life.  Her life was not easy - how can losing one husband be easy?  But she was able to trust with all her heart that her decisions were correct.  She moved in a fearless motion toward an uncertain future.

I am no Ruth of the Bible.  I have been unable to relinquish my own fears to set forth into destinations unknown.  While I did not lose my husband to death, I no longer have a husband.  And I love my mother-in-law, Kim, but I am not sure if I could have followed her to the foreign land of California.  But I aspire to be like her in so many ways.

Recently, I have been struggling greatly with decisions of the heart and mind.  And for some decisions, I am not the only person involved.  This makes the great contemplation I am feeling even more difficult than if it were a decision I could make on my own.  There are always others to consider in my life, and how that decision will impact their own lives.  

One of the hardest contemplations one could ever face is the contemplation of how to handle yourself in situations that DO involve your heart.  As a human, I want what I want, and sometime do not look outside that wall of my own belief to see a bigger picture through the window within the wall.  But I also have had serious times of prayer, deep reflection of what I think and feel would be best.

I make very little decisions without the prayer needed.  I am not impulsive, and definitely not adventurous with my heart where I will forgo all I know just on a whim.  In all things, I pray - whether that be out of praise for a wonderful day, help due to a painful day, or guidance for the steps I should take. My own contemplations of the heart, of what should be done, of where I should go from here, seem so much clearer after many tearful nights in prayer.  In my prayers, I do not ask for the selfish things I want, but rather the help to endure, and the ability to work with others in making the right decisions.  I am not feeling this decision I have already made in my heart as being selfish, but rather one of the only ways I will be able to move forward, and live the life I was intended and promised to have.  Now, I just have to make sure those decisions mirror that of the others it will include.

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

I know that my Redeemer lives;
When comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever living head.
He lives to bless me with His love,
He lives to plead for me above,
He lives my hungry soul to feed,
He lives to bless in time of need.
 

He lives to grant me rich supply,
He lives to guide me with His eye,
He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears,
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives, all blessings to impart.
 

He lives, my kind, wise, heav’nly friend,
He lives, and loves me to the end,
He lives, and while He lives I’ll sing,
He lives, my Prophet, Priest and King.
He lives, and grants me daily breath,
He lives, and I shall conquer death,
He lives, my mansion to prepare,
He lives, to bring me safely there.
 

He lives, all glory to His name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same;
O the sweet joy this sentence gives,
“I know that my Redeemer lives.”
He lives, all glory to His name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same;
O the sweet joy this sentence gives,
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”

Jar of Hearts

"Jar of Hearts" by Christin Perri

                                                        
We have all probably met those people in our lives that touch us in such a specific way, we never forget them.  Those people that taught us something we never knew about ourselves, or the world around us.  And 9 times out of 10, this is for the better...but as we have all met those people who have caused significant change for the betterment of our lives, it is that 1 out of 10 that caused scars upon our hearts.

Through no fault of anyone, this happens every day.  As much as we try to not have it happen, damage occurs and we are left feeling dazed and confused by the entire situation.  And most the time, this occurs within a relationship that started off so wonderfully, only to end so terribly.

For those who believe it is better to close your heart, never let anyone truly in, it is a very sad occurrence when you come across someone who is not only willing to love you, but also willing to accept you as you are.  For those who feel love is a game, or that those of the opposite sex are nothing more than pawns within your chess game of life, hopefully life will treat you kindly without restitution knocking on your door when you least expect.  Having someone in your life is not always a form of co-dependency, and hurting others will only serve for temporary gain, and never long-term satisfaction.

It would be nice if we could wear signs somewhere upon our bodies to describe who we are.  "Kind but shy," "Extroverted and seeking attention," "Warning - I will break your heart in two before we ever even say our first hello."  Life would be so much easier if we didn't have to find out the hard way if someone was going to hurt us.  But, how would we ever learn?  How would we be able to decipher between the great, the good, the so-so, and the terrible?  And how would we ever be able to learn from these people in such a way that creates a change in our world for better, and learn how to mend our hearts once broken?  For those who feel they have been taken advantage of, or abandoned,or mistreated - have hope, and don't give up on yourself. Find who you are, learn more about yourself and what your needs are.  This is the only way to avoid another "mistake" in the future because you will be able to see from a long distance the person standing in front of you is genuine or just another flake.

It seems there is always going to be that nice person who is deceived by the other who doesn't really care.  There is also always going to be that nice person who happens upon another nice person, and they fit together, like puzzle pieces or matched socks.  I happen to believe in the latter.

I was once asked if I thought there was someone out there for me?  Or if I thought I was destined to be alone for the rest of my journey on this planet.  I quickly told this person I did believe there was someone out there, able to handle me on my worst days, and cherish me on my best.  Someone who would recognize I am not perfect, but still love me for my imperfections; someone who accepted me as I was, and allowed me to change by my needs and not by theirs.  My heart has been bruised, battered, torn, and abandoned enough times to learn how to appreciate when I feel I am appreciated, loved, and cared for.  And for each bruise upon my heart, I have learned to not allow myself to dwell on the pain.  There is only so much I can take before I become sick of my own self-pity and need a change of pace.  For each tear, I have learned how to sew the tear, find a way to open another path to my heart, and allow someone new into my heart without punishing them for the past mistakes made by others.  I refuse to allow my heart to become shrunken by defeat or the actions of others.  I refuse to allow my heart to lie within a jar upon someone else's trophy shelf of relationships.

Tug of war for my heart

I am wondering just how long it takes for me to understand when I need to back off, release, let go, and walk away...how long will I remain in the constant tug of war for my heart and head to match.

This has been a struggle since day one.  I am not one who likes to admit defeat, but at the same time, I also seem to hold on longer than is necessary.  Recently I have made decisions that have been directly related to holding on, and finally...FINALLY...I let go.  But there are ten million other situations in my life that should require this same attention to detail...when am I going to let go?  When am I going to stand up for myself in some way, start asking questions about where things remain, and what I need to do in order to move forward?

I have become better at backing off, but the releasing is where I have the biggest issues, along with letting go.  It is so easy to say "Let go, and let God" to another, but quite different if this is the message you must follow yourself.  Certain things within my life at this moment are focused around this thought process.  If I let go, and things fall apart, do I suffer because I had the faith things would prevail, or do I suffer because I didn't have enough faith?  And in terms of faith, when is faith without action verses faith with action required?

I am a firm believer in faith with action.  I consistently pray for certain areas in my life where I feel I need the most direction.  And I have the faith things will proceed as they need.  In my faith, I do random acts of kindness, express my feelings, and attempt to do the best I can for actions toward my own personal happy ending.  In performing these actions, am I prolonging the inevitable?  Am I forcing a situation based on my own misguided attempt to help myself?  Certainly I am not alone in this thought process.

I have learned in my life that some things are not meant to be.  No matter what length of time you spend, amount of prayer and attention given, or amount of faith you may have, if things were not meant to be they will eventually end.  And in this, it seems most everything I have wanted has ended this way.  Do I mourn the situation I wished for, or do I praise in hind-sight, realizing the reason things fell apart was due to a bigger and better horizon yet to come?  Maybe once I learn the answers to those questions, I will be able to better determine when it is time to let go, and move on.

“They can’t go anywhere without me and I wasn’t going anywhere without you."

Something to think about the next time my flight is delayed - sometimes it is better to wait. Sometimes in our waiting we may be helping another going through much worse than a delayed flight.

There was a story recently of a man traveling from LAX to Denver on Southwest Airlines. This man had arrived 2 hours before his flight, but due to lines at the check-in counter and security, he was running late for his flight. This part of the story is not unusual...there are millions of stories similar to this every day in every airport in America and, for that matter, the world. What made his flight unique was the reason why he was flying to the Mile High city. He was flying to say goodbye to someone.

This man was going to Denver to say goodbye to his grandson, who was being taken off life support after being beaten so badly by his mother's live-in boyfriend. In Los Angeles for a business trip, he and his wife were able to manage flight arrangements. But, even after arriving to the airport early, he was stuck in line. His wife called to explain what had happened, and let them know he was on his way... As a mother, I can not imagine how this would feel. I can't imagine the ache within their hearts for the pain their daughter is going through, the pain in their own hearts for the loss of a grandchild. We do not expect an event such as this to occur to our children. Our children are supposed to grow, learn, and become adults with a bright future.

The amazing part of this story is what happened...in that old Paul Harvey tag line - the rest of the story goes as follows below from the original posting, http://www.elliott.org/blog/southwest-airlines-pilot-holds-plane-for-murder-victims-family/:

"In LAX, the lines to both check a bag and get through security were exceptional. He got to the airport two hours early and was still late getting to his plane.

Every step of the way, he’s on the verge of tears and trying to get assistance from both TSA and Southwest employees to get to his plane on time.

According to him, everyone he talked to couldn’t have cared less. When he was done with security, he grabbed his computer bag, shoes and belt and ran to his terminal in his stocking feet.

When he got there, the pilot of his plane and the ticketing agent both said, “Are you Mark? We held the plane for you and we’re so sorry about the loss of your grandson.”

The pilot held the plane that was supposed to take off at 11:50 until 12:02 when my husband got there.

As my husband walked down the Jetway with the pilot, he said, “I can’t thank you enough for this.”

The pilot responded with, “They can’t go anywhere without me and I wasn’t going anywhere without you. Now relax. We’ll get you there. And again, I’m so sorry.”

I have not traveled as often as some, traveled more often than others...and most of my flights have gone off without a hitch. No real complaints in terms of when we took off, the flight itself, or the landing...just the normal every day flying experience. I was stuck on the runway at JFK in New York for a good 2+ hours a few months back, which meant I landed later than expected. But in the end, I arrived safely, so that was a successful trip. I was not flying under the tremendous strain this man was under.

In a world that is often on a time schedule, where we must all conform to the times regulated by our schedule, we often do not have even a second to spare. We are so consumed with getting somewhere on time we sometimes fail to take a look around, make sure we have everything we need. I am no exception to this rule. I hate being late, and am known for getting somewhere as early as I can. And sometimes we arrive early only to be held back, forced to go through lines like a mouse through a maze. This man must have been thinking and feeling this at that moment.

The man going through this ordeal will be forever grateful for the kindness presented to him through the pilot. If it were me I would have broken down into tears, hugged the man, and wept as a child. To this man, that pilot was like a savior (not THE savior, but none-the-less, a savior). He had the courage to wait, the courage to hold others back as he waited for one person to arrive.

In many ways, this must be similar to how our Heavenly Father feels once we learn about Him, and want to be closer to Him. Here we are, so small and insignificant within the grand scheme of this world. While we may be the world to others, the world does not function by our command, thankfully. Yet, we have someone who is waiting for us to recognize Him, and when we go to him says “They can’t go anywhere without me and I wasn’t going anywhere without you."

The midst of our storms

 

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm 

~ Casting Crowns

In our most joyful of moments it is easily forgotten how to offer praise to our Heavenly Father, thanking him for all the blessings He bestows upon us.  In our most painful moments, however, when we are down on our knees, praying for the storm to pass quickly, then we call upon Him, hoping he will hear our anguish.  Why is this?  Why are we so forgetful in times of a bountiful supply of goodness do we fail to embrace the One who created us, gave us life, and formed us with an intelligent intricate design of His image?

We are instructed to call upon Him in all moments of our life, offering thanksgiving for what we are going through.  This is much easier when we are experiencing joy - when we are allowing ourselves to recognize the goodness in our lives.  Such is the same when we feel our world is crashing around us.  We are to offer thanksgiving during these times - thankful we are learning from our experiences if nothing else. 

Yet, we are small and easily distracted by the joy and sorrow we often times forget to show our appreciation.  

Casting Crowns has a song that each time I hear it takes me to so many levels of my life. In the minutes it takes for the group to sing the lyrics I am reminded of great moments of joy and sorrow I have experienced.  There have been dark moments in my life when the song has come on, and I am in my car shedding full tears of shame for how I treat the Lord in times of happiness and sorrow.  Every time I have felt alone, yet He has been beside me, waiting to offer me the hand up I need, waiting to embrace me with His love, His power, His strength.  Every time I have felt I did not deserve goodness in my life, He has been there to remind me I am His beautiful daughter, given every opportunity to live the life He has offered me.  A life filled with His promise, His love, His delight in my praise.

I don't image the Lord of all Lords sitting on His high seat, pulling strings attached to our limbs similar to a marionette puppet, mocking us and allowing or guiding us to danger zones.  I don't image His intentions for my life are that of a bully.  Yet, when I fail to offer thanks for any situation I am in, I am showing the highest disregard for His amazing grace of allowing me another day with those I love, another day at accomplishing His plan He has put upon my life.  He asks us to give thanks, to show our appreciation in all we have...and with the sincerity.  He does not want our fair-weathered prayers on a consistent basis, but our faithful prayers at all times.

I have been working on giving my thanks regardless of my situation.  Lately, this has been very easy to remember.  Life has been a brilliant mixture of pain and joy every day recently.  While one aspect may be going well, another seems to be falling apart.  There have been moments where I have felt so broken and beyond repair, times I have curled into a fetal position due to what and where I am placed in my life.  I drive to work, praying for things to work out in one area I need help, while offering thanks with a sincere heart.  I will be at work, repeating the same concerns to Him that are heavy on my heart, but offering my appreciation that I have come as far as I have.  I drive home from work, thankful my day is over and again, talking to Him of matters I cannot share with another person.  In doing this, I feel His presence - know He has not left, know He is giving me all I need, comforting me as I cry to Him of my concerns. 

I am blessed beyond all measure this world can understand. 

All In

The moments we spend attempting to reconcile with our past prevents us from pursuing new dreams, new hopes, new faith.

This is where the actions of today need to be more present than ever before - when attempting to move on. And this is where I am today, at this very moment. You are either all in for the present, or left to decay in the past.

I would hope when others look at my life they see someone who is all in, and for the right reasons. I would hope they see someone who is attempting to do her best every day. I would hope they would see my love shining through. But in the end, does it matter what others may see if you yourself do not also feel and see the same thing? In the end, as I stare myself down in the mirror, it matters more what I see than what the world may see.

This world is not a kind place. Finding your niche in this world may be like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. But being happy with who you are far outweighs any of life's opinions. When I look back at my life in 5 years, 15 years, 50 years, I want to never regret not saying I love you to my children enough. I want to never regret not telling the man I am in love with that he is great. I want to never regret a temporary misunderstanding separate me from the joy of knowing a friend. I want to collect moments of laughter as a hobby. I want to find things satisfying in my world, and not what the populous considers satisfying. I want to live each day, all in, with nothing left to wonder, nothing left to regret, and nothing left to desire when I breathe my last breath.

Amazing grace

In my life, I have had to offer grace to others during the most difficult of times. Grace, forgiveness, the ability to turn the other cheek...I have done all those things in the "70 x 7" manner.

There have been days where I longed for grace to be returned to me; some sort of karmic exercise that the world has remembered my kind acts, and therefore pardons me if I lack some sort of judgement. It has been through grace I know I am where I am today. It is by grace I can walk through difficulties and believe I will be able to survive.

What is grace, really, other than the willingness to love others in spite of their shortcomings. As a mother, your child will test your patience, will power, love, and wisdom. Yet at the end of each day I cannot imagine a world without my children. I love them for their idiosyncrasies rather than by them being perfect. Their imperfections become perfect reflections due to love. The sleepless nights, teething, moments of random crying and diaper changes are long gone, but the need to offer my love is stronger than ever before. The need to show and demonstrate my grace is at an ever increasing need.

Much is the same for others I love, or I have loved. When I think to all the times I have offered someone grace at the moment it was not only inconvenient, but broke my heart, I would be a very wealthy woman. The moments of disappointment, overshadowing, feeling less than if feeling like I was forgotten all forgotten in the end due to grace.

In loving someone, you discover what it is to wish their happiness over yours, their comfort and strength over yours. You realize you would do anything to see a smile, to hear a laugh, to feel their touch. It is in loving someone else, demonstrating these attributes, that you learn to release, let go, and give your all. When you are able to do this, it may not always be returned. But given the right moments, the right person, and the right time - you are doing this together. Amazing grace, to overlook someone's flaws and love them anyway. Amazing grace, to know the flaws are there, but still believe the good overshadows the bad.

God's Help

An orphan girl in India was desperate to find a home. One day, she approached a visiting missionary teacher from a nearby village and asked the woman for help. The teacher had no room in her home for the girl, and no money to make a place.

"But I will pray and ask God for His help." she said, "and you do the same."

That evening , the teacher returned to her home and found a letter from a friend in the U.S. It contained a small sum of money- enough to begin providing for the orphan girl. Taking this as a sign of encouragement from God, she summoned a messenger the following morning and asked him to go to the neighboring village- a day's walk from her home- and bring the girl back. To the teacher's surprise, the messenger returned with the girl in half the expected time.

"How did you travel so quickly?" the teacher asked. The girl's answer demonstrated the strength of her faith.

"We both prayed to God for help," she reminded the teacher. "I thought I might as well start walking."

She had been halfway to the teacher's house when the messenger met her on the road. She had faith that God would meet her needs- and He did.

Unknown

Angels Unaware

Within the trilogy of songs from Michael W. Smith, this song is the last. After feeling my emotions so raw, feeling I would be revealed to the world in "Breathe in me," this song renewed my strength the day I fell apart, as described in a previous post. This song, while completely different, echos everything I needed on that particular day, and every day since.

My life has been a battle of pros and cons. Who's life is not the same way? None of us have the picture perfect life every day. Within the pros and cons, I am blessed enough to say I have had angels within my life. The people within my life have been instrumental in where I am now. And while some have been short-lived friendships, they have all taught me something. For this reason, they are all a blessing. I have been fortunate to have prayers answered in such amazing methods. I have been fortunate to have things come together when I had the inability to make ends meet on my own.

Days before I broke down in Macy's, I said a prayer. It was the Tuesday after Mother's Day, 2004. I woke up, mid panic attack, as was the usual circumstance for that time in my life. Along with the panic of a bad marriage, I was suffering other ailments. I was months away from health insurance at work. Unfortunately, in the weeks before I had suffered from my molars abscessing on both sides of my mouth for a grand total of 4 times (2 times on each side). During the abscessing my face would swell to the size of a scary character you would see in a Disney character. The pain was so bad I could not sleep, and would thrash in pain. I was concerned about my need for new contacts, and how I was going to pay for them. I had been reading this book about gratefulness, and thankfulness at the time, and as I was getting ready for work, and feeling overwhelmed, that book and what it was saying came into focus.

I immediately started praying. I prayed for a couple who were about to get married. I prayed for my children, and for those in my life. I prayed to have a good day at work, and to sell something - anything - 2 days after Mother's Day in a cosmetic / fragrance department. I also prayed that someone, anyone, would want to open a Macy's credit card, and prayed that the person opening the card would not have money issues due to my request. I prayed my teeth would not cause me any issues until my health insurance started. I prayed my contacts would last until my health insurance started. I prayed I would just have a good day.

Most of what I prayed for was out of my control. I could not control if someone purchased something, or opened a darn credit card. I could not control if my teeth decided to abscess again, or if my eyes decided they could not handle the contacts I was using. All out of my control, and I knew this.

When I got to work that morning, and as the store opened, a friend of mine who worked at the eye doctor next to Macy's came into our store. My counter was the first counter you would arrive at when entering the first floor entrance, and due to the close proximity of our stores, we had developed a friendship. When she walked in, she came to me and asked "We have some sample contacts in your prescription. Do you need contacts?" Are you kidding me? I was so grateful for her thinking of me, and having the courage to ask me the question. I gladly accepted the contacts that helped me for another 9 months.

Throughout the day, I was amazed at my friend's kindness. And in my thanking God, I began to see other tangible moments of my prayer being answered. By the end of the day I sold over $1,000 in my department - an unheard of amount for the location where I worked, and for the time of year it was. I opened 4 cards that day, and walked away knowing that the Lord was there, helping me. None of the items that day were ever returned to dock my commission later on. My teeth had not been bothering me, either.

Two weeks later, when all was said and done; my contacts were great, and my good day selling items and opening cards was over, the Bishop of my church came in unexpectedly. I had not been going to church due to working most Sundays. I had only met the man 2 other times. It was a shock for him to come into my work only due to not even realizing he knew where I worked. In fact, I hadn't really even shared much about my life with him. He didn't know my marriage was falling apart, or that I was days away from leaving my husband. He didn't know that literally days before he came in I was crumpled on the floor crying to the songs I am writing about.

"Ruthe, I was driving on the freeway. I was headed home, but was so compelled to pull off on Alma School. The Lord told me I needed to check about how your teeth are doing? Are you having issues with your teeth?"

What do you come back with on this question? "Uh, no. Things are good" out of shame or "Yes, I have been in extreme pain but it hasn't been bad in the past few days"? I let him know what was going on, and how painful it had been, but that my insurance was ready to start in a month, and I would be able to have things looked at then.

"Ruthe, I want you to go to my dentist. I am calling him now, and you will have an appointment tomorrow. Don't worry about the cost, I will take care of that for you."

True to his word, the very next day I had my teeth fixed. True to his word, I didn't have to pay for this at a time I didn't have extra money.

And as I was finished, and rehashing the prayer, rehashing the moments that had passed and the amazing things that had happened, I once again felt that spiritual embrace surround me. My angels unaware were sent directly to me for a reason, for a purpose. Since this time I have believed if I ask for something that I need, something that I am unable to do on my own, the Lord will always provide for me, and always provide an angel by my side to help me stand and walk when I feel I cannot go any further.

Maybe there's a light in my soul
Maybe it flickers like a neon sign
Outside an abandoned hotel
Maybe there are things you just can't know
But can you say there are no mysteries
In the house you choose to dwell
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Maybe there's a place where we will fly
But some say God is dead like Nietzsche said
And faith has made me a fool
But maybe there is more than meets the eye
Who's that stranger there beside you?
Don't be smug and don't be cruel
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Battles of the heart and of the mind
We stay caught in mental purgatory
'Til our existence can be defined
Meanwhile on the shores of parallel
There may be a hold conference held
Somewhere
Discussing all mankind

Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware