LIfe - the Holstee Manifesto

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Learning how to move on

The past few months have been a blur.  It feels the moment I started to feel okay with life, I was reminded of all I had lost.  Good, bad, or indifferent, I am not one that deals with loss well.  This I know, am not afraid to admit to.  After all, admitting this is half the issue, right?

I spent months feeling there was something wrong with me. If only I had done something differently, if only I lived in a different location, if only one million small trivial items had been different, I would not be standing where I was.  And where I was standing felt like nothing short of a tsunami within my heart.  And after that tsunami - the aftermath and pickup process of the refuge who has lost almost everything, living the life in shadows of a past that will never happen again.

It is hard to say what makes or creates those feelings within a heart that once held so much hope and promise.  It is hard to know how to learn to live life in ways that, for one reason or another, are not as you dreamed of.  All that I felt was this tremendous weight of sadness.  Sadness for something that truly did not deserve the attention my heart, soul, and mind were allowing it to have.

Much like that first moment you open your eyes after an unrestful sleep, I feel I have awoken.  FINALLY.  I feel as if I have hope again for the first time since March.  I have the sense that life will be okay.  I have stopped caring where you are, what you are doing.  It does not matter because you don't want to be with me any longer.  I finally feel I am walking in life rather than watching it pass by, I feel I am no longer a tourist in the valley of my heart, I am no longer a visitor.  I no longer feel I am standing at the door, waiting to go inside some illusionary room within my life.  I am no longer waiting for clarity from you; no longer waiting for an explanation I feel I deserve, or the apology you owe for all the hurt caused.  No longer do I feel I need to apologize for my reactions to the pain.  It is what it is, and I am learning how to move on.

What if...

Jazia Pratt, 8, fills a bucket with water from a fire hydrant in the afternoon summer heat Monday, July 18, 2011, in Philadelphia.
  (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

The joys of being a child.  The wonderment of the world that seems to be lost the taller we grow, and the higher our age may be.  The unquenchable sense of possibility, that anything is attainable.  That is, of course, until you suddenly realize the world is not what you thought, and maybe the fairy tales we are read are not actually going to happen. I can think back to a time where I had that ability to see through walls, or so I thought.  If something didn't work, you could fix it.  If you couldn't fix it yourself, you would ask Mom or Dad to look at it.  Chances were, by nightfall the world would be settling for slumber and all was right again with whatever needed fixed. 

At what point did we lose this quality of life we so closely held when we were young? At what point did we look at the world, and wonder why rather than why not? When did we realize that falling was painful, and failure seemed like another action for falling?

My friend Niki has a quote as part of her email signature that reads "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"  Each time I receive an email from her, I read this, and ponder all the what if's.  And in reading this quote several times over the past few months, I came to the realization that falling down is the same as failure to me.  I do anything I can to avoid falling.  I am careful where I walk to avoid falling in front of others. I wear shoes appropriate for my job to avoid slipping on the concrete epoxy floors.  Gone are the days I would wear heels to work due to this; instead I have opted for more sensible flats or tennis shoes to ensure I am upright at all times.  Most recently, and most difficult of all, I have avoided falling in like, much less in love, with someone due to the pain of failure.  I have protected my heart as I have protected myself from a physical fall.  I simply avoid the fall at any cost.

What if there was no fear of failure.  What if I was aware of what the future had to offer.  Would I sit back, allow events to unfold as they should, knowing I would be okay, or I would get hurt? Would I allow myself to feel the world is a beautiful place if I knew this time it was going to last, or this time things will work out, regardless of whatever "this time" was revolved around?  Would I allow myself to walk into the face of apparent danger due to understanding in the end I would be okay?

I miss that free spirit of being a child.  I miss that feeling of laughing uncontrollably at something silly.  I miss that view of the world where anything was possible, and I could be anyone I wanted.  While I certainly do not feel I am a failure in my own life, there are many things I would like to repeat to correct my mistakes, moments I would like to avoid, and situations I would love to repeat due to the joy it brought me.  I would love to roam around the world, blissfully and gracefully unaware of any wrong that may come to me.  But in the end, the pain I have gone through has lead me to other journeys I may otherwise avoided.  As adults, we have not lost that joy of being a child, we simply forgot how to celebrate the smallest of moments and embrace the world with open arms.

Be courageous in your actions

Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

This has been a week of many changes within the company I work for.  We have had a transition of titles, transition of ownership, transition of how the business may ultimately be ran.  With so much change, one can become extremely anxious, worried about what the future may hold for them.  

Within this change, someone I admire greatly is exiting the company as the Chief Learning Officer. While I am unsure if this was a decision made due to the new acquisition of the company, or a decision made on his own accord, I am greatly sorry to see him leave.  It is not often you have someone in an executive position who is easy to approach, easy to speak with and share ideas.  It is not often you find someone in an executive position who is willing to ask questions of those within the departments they oversee for ideas, for cooperation, and to learn more about you as a singular individual rather than "That is Ruthe from IT..."  I would call this an example of being courageous in actions.

Often our actions lead a person to assume a certain level of character.  Others are able to judge who we are based on our actions, how we treat others, how we carry ourselves. Being courageous in actions is much more than someone rushing in to offer an opinion, or be seen simply to be seen by those who are considered important.  Being courageous in our actions often times is done in a very quiet manner, without regard of how others will view your actions.  It is not about being seen doing something great, or telling others about your wonderful contributions...it is about doing something that you feel within your heart to be the right decision or the right action.  

This world is cruel.  We have so many outside forces attempting to shift and hurl us from one side to the other.  We have those who instigate trouble between others, those that meddle when meddling is not needed.  We have those who simply do not care about the world around them, having becoming numb due to the negativity and pain that has occurred within their lives.  Some learn from an early age to stay quiet, stay in the background, let someone else speak up because it hurts when we are denied or have our own ideas unrecognized. 

There are a variety of actions to consider courageous.  Being someone who has a high regard for those within the military, and the efforts they make on a daily basis to attempt safety for millions they have never met before is clearly an act of courage.  Those who stand up for the rights of others, unwilling to waiver in their support is an act of courage.  Those that sit quietly, talking to and listening to a child talk about their dreams is an act of courage.  That simple letter you send to someone to tell them thank you, the email you send when learning about someone's exodus, or quietly telling someone they are doing a good job.  Those are acts of courage.  Those are the actions I hope to be remembered for, the simple things I do to make someone else happy within their own world, to feel appreciated, and feel important.

Maybe I'm Afraid

Kerrie Roberts - Maybe I'm Afraid
From the album Kerrie Roberts

There's no way I can hide
It's written on my face
All these complications

Maybe I'm afraid
To open up and let You in
Behind the curtain
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the questions
That I know You'd raise
What I thought was certain
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the mess that it's sure to make
And all I tried to simplify and organize
But I just can't deny

That there's no way
I can hide
It's written on my face
And all these complications
Fumblin' with my equations
Now they crumble to the ground
With everything I thought
To be without Your help
Cause if I let You in
I'll never be the same
So I try to escape
Maybe I'm afraid

Maybe I'm afraid
To let it go and just accept
That love has spoken
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the way that I know You'll fix
Everything that's broken
Maybe I'm afraid
'Cause I don't know who You are
But the more I get from You
The more I lose
So what am I holding onto

Afraid I'll be complete
It's just so weak in Your hands
Maybe I'm afraid
Afraid that it won't last
I'll only be half without You

Maybe I'm afraid
To let You change my heart
With all it's hiding
Maybe I'm afraid
That I just might fall apart
Unless You're beside me

Maybe I'm afraid

Life moves, with or without you

Life...such a beautiful complexity of turmoil and joy.  

Life...filled with so many amazing moments.  

Life. 

It is hard to imagine my life without those moments of turmoil and joy.  After all, aren't those the moments that defined who I am?  Aren't those the moments that established my thoughts, my habits, my fears, my beliefs?  Aren't those moments what have shaped faith within my soul?  And regardless of how much I request the sun not rise in the morning when I am in turmoil, there is always a sweet joy when I see that new day dawn.

I am trying.  I am attempting to move forward, to not look to the past for sympathy.  I am attempting, hard as I might, to trust those who are in my world.  I am attempting each day to view the world as a place of hope, a place where dreams will come true, even if they were not the dreams I started out with.  Each new day offers me the ability to realize more than I had yesterday, prepare for tomorrow, and try to enjoy the very minute I am in right now.

It is an ever increasing battle to not allow previous experience or worries of the world cloud my judgement for decision-making.  If I allowed those to take hold, I would not be able to step out of my house.  For all those that I willingly gave my trust and respect to, only to have them disrespect me with their inability to maintain my trust is reason alone to not step out.  But for each person this has happened with, they have given me blessings beyond measure - they taught me about pain, about hurt, about strength.  For all those that broke my heart, treating it as an option within their lives, they have taught me the value of love that is unconditional from not only my Heavenly Father, but also the love I am able to give.  For all those who caused issues within my life, they remind me of how sacred a life in peace is.  For all those who misused my friendship, who dashed my hopes, or did not live up to what they presented themselves as - they have given me a guideline for what I do want in my life.

All those moments all have given me a road map for what I do want in my life.  Instead of disrupting my faith, they have given me the hope to know things will not always be as they are when I am suffering.  There is more for me to accomplish, more to do.  There is more for me to see, more to offer. 

Life moves on.  

I am either moving with it, or I am being run over by it.  

And I am not choosing the latter. 

19 years and I still think of him

Today marks the 19th anniversary of my friend, Steven, passing away.  

We were both 16 years old at the time. 

We were so full of life, energy, ambition, and invincibility.  

And now, he has been gone longer than he was here.  

It is funny how, as a kid or as a teen, you think you are invincible.  You may honestly believe if you want to fly, you can.  You don't see limitations of ability - only the desire to do something.  You can't imagine anything beyond your bubble world.  In this bubble world, no one leaves, no one dies, and the world is such a happy place.

Each year, I remember him on this day.  How can I not?  He was endearing, frustrating, cute, and funny.  He was that friend you could tell anything to, and he wouldn't care.  He was that guy you always had a little crush on but never spoke up and told him.  He was that student in class that annoyed teachers, but they still loved him due to his smile and thoughtfulness.  He was that person that could light up a room just by walking in.  And he was gone all too soon before his dreams were realized. 

It is by no coincidence that we meet those in life for purposes greater than we understand at the time.  It is by no mistake I knew Steve.  For all the lessons he taught me, unknowingly at the time, I have carried in my heart for the past 19 years.  That smile when things were not going the way he wanted reminds me to smile despite my own feelings of defeat.  That ambition to master his current obsession reminds me to never stop entertaining my own passions.  That sense of humor that literally set the world on fire with laughter reminds me to always enjoy my days, because I may not see another.  At times, I forget he is gone, remembering an event that happened eons ago that I want to share with him now.  At times, he remains as a ghost figure in my present day, always 16 with his mohawked hair, skating down the road. 

In visiting my parents to this day I feel compelled to walk by his old house, now occupied by a new family with new children roaming the halls.  I remember all those moments I would walk to his house as a kid, before his death to hang out with him, and after his death to visit with his mom.  I visit the cemetery, sit on the grass, and tell him all that has happened since the last visit I had.  I share my life, as I know it now, with him, fully believing he is able to smile, fully able to listen still regardless that he isn't physically sitting next to me.  In the time Steve has been gone, I have graduated high school, got married, started a family, got divorced, started careers, discovered new places, revisited old places, and watched my children grow, becoming the age Steve and I were when we met.

Death is never hard on those that leave.  They hopefully are in the direct vision of the Lord, able to view the Heavens and Earth from a different vantage point.  Death is hard on those left behind.  We are the keepers of their spirit, their dreams, and their lives as we knew it.  We grieve in different ways, celebrating at times then feeling nostalgic at other times.  But life moves forward, each day passes until you look at a calendar, realizing 19 years filled with many different new moments have been experienced.  My recent moments have been difficult in mind and spirit, and this day, rather than mourning Steve, I am going to live with his example.  If only for today, I am going to smile in spite of anything that happens, laugh as if I have never laughed before, and enjoy my time.  Tomorrow I can try the process again - in honor of a great guy I still call friend, still talk to despite the distance between us.  Today, I am celebrating his life through celebrating mine.

Isaiah 55:6-11

 

 

Seek the LORD while He may be found; 

   call on Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way 

   and the evil man his thoughts. 

Let him turn to the LORD,
   and He will have mercy on him, 

and to our God, for He will freely pardon.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, 
   

   neither are your ways My ways,” 
          
       declares the LORD. 

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, 

   so are My ways higher than your ways 

   and My thoughts than your thoughts. 

As the rain and the snow 

   come down from heaven, 

and do not return to it 

   without watering the earth 

and making it bud and flourish, 

   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is My Word that goes out from My mouth: 

   It will not return to Me empty, 

but will accomplish what I desire 

   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

 

   (Isaiah 55:6-11)

The start of something new

The start of something new...the first time you met him, the way your common sense may have flown out the window by staying up all night, talking.  The first date where you could tell he was nervous.  You talk about different things that are usually reserved for that first date, never really to be talked about again once familiarity settles in.  The walk around the lake, talking, sitting on the grass and talking, looking at the stars together.  That pacing back and forth he did, unsure how to ask you out again...that strange uncomfortable ending to a great night where you are unsure if a hug or peck on the cheek would be appropriate.  The wondering if he is going to call you the next day, and when he does, you feel like you won the lottery for phone calls.

The first time you held his hand, touched his arm, or looked into his eyes for the first kiss.  That quick in your stomach feeling of jitters, the rush of sensation to your head just hearing him talk, or the weak in the knees sensation when you kiss him.  That feeling when you see him arrive, where you feel the world is actually singing to you...oh, the start of something new!  All the talk about what you want, all the time spent just holding hands, discovering who they are, how they may accent your life just by being present.  That leap in your heart when the phone rings, and you see his name on the screen, the way you may tease each other over silly little things that eventually develop into bigger things...

The first time you meet each others family, hoping everyone is on their best behavior and no awkward stories come up.  Him being your first thought when you wake up in the morning, only to discover a text message from him, or, better yet, the phone ringing with his voice on the other end of the line.  The first time you see him in a sensitive light where you see a path to his heart - that path to his heart that helps you fall deeper in like each day.  The way he looks at you when you have been apart for only a few hours, the way he holds your face as he kisses you...the first time you realize you are trusting him to be true to your heart, something you have a difficult time doing.  The first time you realize you have more than a little crush...

The first time you looked at him and saw a fear...the first time you saw vulnerability that you knew was his heart.  The first time you allowed yourself to cry in front of him,or share things that you were afraid to previously share.  Those secrets from the past where you may have been afraid to push him away, and needed time to learn to trust him. 

...all that beautiful beginning to something more...the start of something new...the hope to not be hurt again...the thought of forever once again...

What are you looking for?

The question that always poses itself when meeting new people - "What are you looking for?"  I typically avoid asking this question.  Maybe this is why I have not found that balance I am looking for.  But I avoid it for specific reasons.  I want to make sure I am not emulating qualities another is looking for.  I want to ensure I am being myself, and being appreciated good or bad for those qualities.  I want to make sure I am open-minded about the newness that can be found in a relationship.  There are plenty of items on my imaginary list that everyone will never measure up to.  To enforce those items upon someone who is real, and may be a wonderful addition to my life seems justly unfair.

It is an interesting question to ask though.  One that even for the most iron-glad heart finds difficult to answer.  I don't have a specific "type" of man I am looking for.  I know what I am attracted to, but most times this attraction is not physical, but rather intellectual or spiritual than based on attributes seen with the naked eye.  What attracts me physically may not always be what is best for me in the long run. In not having many relationships, I have been both blessed with not having too much heartbreak, but still enough to know I am not a fan of the hurt.

I want someone who is spiritual, seeking the Lord, seeking delight within the Lord.  I want someone I can sit and pray with, share my faith, share my spirituality with. I want someone who is kind, sensitive but strong, someone who knows the value of working, but also enjoys having fun.  I want someone to say "I want to be with you, and with your children."  I want someone who understands the pressures of being a parent, but doesn't shirk away from those pressures. I want someone who is respectful of my family, accepts the family I have.

I want someone who will come into my life and enhance it.  At the end of a long day, we can sit together, hold each other's hands, knowing together we are stronger than apart.  I want someone who will look at me and instantly feel a peace within his mind, and joy within his heart.

I want someone who sees my flaws, recognizes my fears, and knows I am not perfect, but stays with me regardless of these things.  I want a relationship that feels like a safe haven in the middle of life's storms that come our way. Someone who will hold me when I feel the world is falling apart around me, wanting to prop me up.

I don't expect perfection.  I don't expect the other person to never make a mistake, never says something that is hurtful for unknown reasons.  I only require he try his best.  I want someone who is honest, and if he is feeling worried, upset, fearful, or joyful he is able to express that with me.  I want someone who is faithful, wanting to be with me above all others he may be able to meet or be with.

I want someone who can walk into the room and lighten the atmosphere by being there.  Someone who is not afraid to show me affection in front of others, and who gladly takes my hand. I want someone who declares to the world that he is with me, and protects me from the outside harms.  

I want someone responsible, able to maintain a job, and able to pay his bills.  Someone who understands the value of a dollar.

My heart has been bruised in the past.  I am not willing to rush into a situation that should not be rushed.  I am not willing to sacrifice the desires of a strong healthy relationship in exchange for physical relationships.  I am not willing to be with someone who simply pretends to be in it with me - he has to be active, show up every day.  I want to get married again, I want to celebrate a life with someone.  I want to grow older with someone who is my friend, someone who is my confidant, and loyal to the desires we both have.  Someone who supports my dreams as I support his.  Someone who believes in me, someone who allows me to believe in him.

I am not sure if this is out there.  I am not sure why it has taken so long for me to get this.  I am not sure if the qualities I want exist in today's age of selfishness, lies, manipulation, and feelings of instant gratification.  But I remain hopeful it does exist.  I remain hopeful that whoever the Lord has for me is going through the same questions, wanting the same qualities, and we are both just in the preparation phase to ready ourselves for one another.  I am hopeful I will meet him soon, start our process of learning about each other, and continue into a relationship that fulfills our heart's desires.

What the past year has taught me

The moment you made me an option in your life is the moment you were no longer became a priority in mine.

That sentiment of becoming an option verses a priority seems to be the theme of my past year.  That ability to discard what needs to be discarded, and cherish what should be cherished.  That ability to move on, forward as ever, and learn from the mistakes of yesterday.

If you had told me a year ago of all the experiences I would encounter within the next 12 months of my life, I would have thought you were joking.  I would have thought you were crazy.  I would have told you I would never endure through some of those experiences.  Yet, here I am, one year later, and still standing. 

Some days I may not stand as straight as I could.  Other days I stand straighter than ever.  I have been tested, tried, experienced great moments of sadness, and great moments of joy.  All of these created on hell of a year.  What were those moments?

Last year at this time I had just moved into a new place to live, and started a new job.  I was struggling with all that was familiar being gone, and replaced with uncertainty, newness, and change.  Today, I have settled into both nicely, and while the new place I am living is small, I have learned it isn't the size of what you have, but that you have a roof over your head to be thankful for.  

Had you told me last year at this time that I would go through not just one, but two breakups, I would have told you I couldn't do that.  I couldn't possibly allow my heart to be broken twice.  Yet, it has happened.  Both in completely different ways did this come about.  

The first breakup was in honesty, was in faith that what I was being told would not crush me but make me stronger. I will always love him, and as time has passed I have discovered I appreciate his friendship we still share together.  I am thankful he was honest with me.  I am thankful he let me go to grow on my own, remembering all the moments we shared, helping me build more moments of all I learned with others.  He is one of the few people I know would be there for me if I needed help.  He has proven himself to be reliable to this day in his promises made while we were together.  He still takes on the role of confidant with my children, still spends time with them, providing that fatherly role both of my children don't have, but may need more than I realize.  I am thankful beyond belief that he broke things off with me for no other reason than I am able to see him in a different light.  He was right, we wouldn't have worked out.  There were too many things I didn't see while I was with him that were not necessarily deal breakers, but just things that I wouldn't have been happy with forever.

The second breakup is not as honest, not as faith-filled, and only time will tell how my heart will heal from the experience.  Each day I face difficulties with trusting people now.  Some of that is on me, some of it is on him.  Eventually I have to let things go, keep moving forward, and try to remember all the wonderful experiences I had.  I was different with him.  I was more willing to open up in ways I had not opened up since I was younger.  I believed in possibilities again.  I believed in myself in so many ways.  While my heart is definitely on the mend, and it may take time to fully recover, I will always love him in certain ways.  He gave me something no one else has, and no one else may be able to give in the future.  It is sad that it had to end with lies, but I guess it was never meant to be if it ended this way.

I had to buy a new car when my old car died.  This was not an expense I was ready for, and I was not ready to depart from my car I lovingly called Fred.  The new car has been a source of frustration for some points, and has spent time in the shop for a car accident...but such is life.

We welcomed a new member into our family - Wendy.  Wendy is a cute little corgi/shelty mix that looks like a fox, has instincts like Cujo, and protects you like no other if she loves you.

I traveled more this year for personal reasons than I ever had.  It did help dating someone who did not live locally to rack up the miles, but that is another positive I take from the debacle it became.  I traveled to San Diego, New York City, Connecticut, a few other New England locations.  I was able to see the Statue of Liberty and World Trade Center on 9-11, went to a few airshows, fed giraffes and rhinos.

I discovered I actually like sushi, and enjoy eating it.  This would have been reason to question another person's sanity had they told me this a year ago, but now, I love the stuff.

I learned what it meant to support someone, love someone, and care for someone in a better way.  Whether this is regarding my kids, my family, or the person I was with, it remains true.  

I have learned that sometimes those you believe are friends may not be the best of friends you thought them to be.  Yes, they may be there for you when the going gets rough, and for that I am thankful.  But they may also be sharing your secrets with others, and this reminds me to be more guarded with my secrets.  It reminds me to seek out the counsel of prayer more, and the counsel of men less.  

I have learned once again that my family absolutely amazes me.  I am so fortunate to be surrounded by those who love me, who support me, who beyond a shadow of a doubt are there for me.  I have the fortune of knowing these individuals, their strengths, weaknesses, highs, lows and everything in between.  In turn, they too know these things about me.  Yet we still can look at each other with eyes of love, forgiveness, and forever know we are there for one another.

I have been so very fortunate to have a year as I have had.  In a year with so many ups and downs, I consider myself fortunate.  While I do not wish to ever relive this year, I do believe there were more positives that came about than negatives.

Those decisions you can't take back

Every day we have a chance to start anew - new sunrise, new hope, new day to begin.  We have the ability to move passed any pain from yesterday, believing today will be the day we are able to overcome our fears, overcome previous hurts, overcome previous haunts.

It would be nice to live in a world where a new dawn truly represented a clean slate.  A new day where everything was fresh again.  A day where decisions we made yesterday, or yesteryear no longer haunt us.  But this is not how life works.  Our hearts are fickle.  We rely upon the past to protect us today.  We learn that if we touch something that is hot, it will burn.  We commit this to memory, rely upon this as a safeguard.

Do we ever really get over the decisions we made, move forward, and never rehash those moments in our heads and hearts again?

I can remember decisions I made that I wish I had done differently.  I remember the smell in the air, the way the light was reflecting in the room as I made my decision.  I can remember the background noises, quiet, undefined, but deafening none the less.  That moment where I crossed the line from unsure to definite in the decision process, so much like crossing the finish line at some imaginary race my mind was running.  That feeling of knowing I could not go back once the action occurred.  And the terror to realize maybe I could have chosen differently, had a better outcome, higher success rate had I just thought a bit longer.  These decisions are not for the faint of heart.  They are not the decisions you can joke about.  It isn't a "Coke or Pepsi?" type of decision.

Sometimes, there is no ability to know if you are making the right decision.  You have to go on faith.  There is no right or wrong answer, only a different path that you will start upon.  Other times, it is a great struggle because you know it alters your world in such a way you are forever changed.  Those decisions, those that affect your heart, mind, body, and soul; those are the decisions where your view of the world is no longer what it was 10 seconds beforehand.  Those are the decisions that can't be changed.  Good or bad, you now must live with the responsibilities of your decision.  You must somehow learn to move passed the pain, to learn to love again, laugh again, trust and hope again. 

I hope to be able to move passed the pain.  I hope I can learn how to love again, to laugh again.  I hope I know how to trust again.  I want to believe again.  And that all just takes time, I suppose.

Leaving the past behind

Some things are better left in the past rather than reliving them.  Some moments in the past do not need to be revisited if they are only going to cause pain.  Moving forward, pressing through the difficulties is the path to healing.  Not going through the "what if's" that, at the end of the day, have no answer.  They are imaginary, unrealistic, and not worth the energy you may focus upon them.

This is the greatest advise...so easy to give someone who may be hurting, may be suffering.  But to listen to this advise for yourself is harder.  Especially when this concerns a matter of your heart.  I would be the greatest hero in my own life if only I could follow this advise myself.  I would be the savior to my pains in so many ways if I could remember this.

In leaving the past behind, there are plenty of cliches one may always be told.  Maybe cliche is not the right word, but those things people always tell you.  "God has a plan for you," "Something better is on it's way," "Everything will be okay, just wait and see" are all very thoughtful things to tell someone, but they stab at your heart if you are on the receiving end.  Whatever that past hurt may be, it takes time.  

It isn't that I want to relive the past.  I don't want to suffer through the pains I have ever felt in my life on purpose.  No one wants to do that to themselves, nor do they do this intentionally.  It is just part of being human, being a person with emotion and sensitivity.  Being someone who, at one point, gave a damn.  I want to remember the pain enough to avoid it in the future, but not enough to allow control in my current day. And in knowing the difference, you have already conquered some of yesterday's demons waiting to drag and claw you down.  Any previous hurt, any previous exchange of misery, any previous belief of hope that has been changed due to circumstance - I want to move forward from this.

In my personal point of view, it isn't that I believe I was lied to, that he lied to me. It was time was actually spent on creating, procuring, and believing the lie he has formed inside his mind.  It isn't that you lied, it is that you allowed omission to enter into the scenario.  It is that you thought so little of me, you believed a lie would be better than truthfulness.

Leaving the past behind...what a wonderful thought, what a wonderful sentiment, what a wonderful gift to bestow upon yourself that only you can bestow.  No one else can do this for you - it is something you must decide, act, envision, and perform on a minute to minute basis some days until it eventually is day to day, then eventually thought of less and less.  Time is a very fickle friend, because it will also allow you to remember the great times as well, overshadowing much of the hurt.  Don't waste your time on a past that is clearly not what was intended for you.  Don't waste time thinking those moments will come back - it will only prolong your own path to healing.  Eventually you will have forgiveness, and the happiness you deserve.

I have the best friends

The past few weeks have been difficult.  There have been many things that I am questioning, many things I know what I want but have to rely upon others to make happen, many things I have wondered why it is happening at all.  Yesterday was one of those days where I broke down, crying, and told the Lord I was angry at him.  Angry that I have already suffered so much pain in my life...angry that it seems I am staying strong but am wearing thin...angry that in a world where I have been given so much, it also feels so much has been taken away from me.

It seems all I do lately is pray...pray for peace of mind, pray I will remain strong, pray I will be able to just put one foot in front of the other, pray He will show me His presence, comfort me, pray...pray that I will have what I desire, want, need.  Right now, I feel this tsunami of difficulties in my life, this storm that cannot be contained and is just destroying everything I have worked hard on, worked hard for...suddenly vanishing as if it was never there.  My heart has felt so troubled, I have put on the brave face as long as I can, but that hurt and pain I feel is breaking through.  Once again it feels that what I desire is being wiped out of existence...and the only thing that remains is this person who is expected to walk with her head held high while her heart and feet are dragging her through each very second of the day.

That is the funny thing about prayer...our talks with Him and what He gives to us sometimes are not what we expected.

In the past weeks I have talked to friends I hadn't said more than 10 words to in the past 16 years. I have talked to friends who know me at my best, and at my worst.  I have had newer friends comfort me during these trying times.  Friends who have seen my successes and grand fails.  Friends, like family, that remain next to me, and time doesn't seem to be of importance from the last we spoke - only that you are able to pick up where you last off, as if you talked no more than 5 minutes before.  These are the people I could call at 1:30am after being in a car accident who come to pick me up.  Friends that hold my deepest secrets, but don't remind me of the pain within those secrets.  Friends who have held my hand as I suffer another loss, or as I watch my children make their own achievements.

I know this is what I have prayed for - His comfort provided to me in the bonds I have made through out the course of my life.

The countless hours catching up, sharing what we are doing in our different avenues of life, crying with one another, or laughing through stories...those are the moments you live for in life.  To have someone know you so well, and to call out of the blue, and to recognize the power of their presence in your life. For this, I know the Lord is with me...even when it feels He is so far away, on sabbatical and not answering phone, text, IM, email, knocks at the door...quietly, He reminds me I must remain faithful in my desires, quietly He reminds me I am important, I am needed by others, I am special in His eyes.  He hasn't left; He is just waiting for me to come to Him with those needs and desires - to actively seek Him out, to allow Him to erase my tears with joy.  But it will take time.

In the mean time, he has reminded me of the fact I have the best of friends there are to have.  Those that offer me patience, kindness, tender words, a hug, and a reminder that I am not forgotten, and that I am loved.

The band-aid effect

Today has been filled with so many up and down roller coaster emotions.  This has been going on for over a week now, and it seems each day brings another roller coaster line I am waiting in.  The questions of what I should do, what I should say, and not to mention the reaction toward what may come my way...too many things to even think about.  That indecision, that unknown sentiment that will be expressed by the person you want to be with, share moments with, and the fear of the band-aid...

It is that band-aid effect that has me feeling so upside down, right side up, and everywhere in between. I have been down that path where you have so much indecision it tears you apart.  I find myself unable to sleep, unable to focus, and the most simple of tasks seem like monumental achievements.  That feeling where you know something is off, and you are not sure what the next step should land because you can't feel the ground beneath your feet. That band-aid effect where you are waiting for the sting to come, so you prolong ripping the bandage off in the first place.

The bandages we place upon our hearts, those intended to protect us, can some times feel like the enemy.  Those bandages we use to heal can sometimes become a source of pain.  Often, the more bandages we use, the more sensitive we become. And the more sensitive I become, the more that roller coaster occurs.

I am not the strongest of persons.  I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, available and visible for the entire world to see.  It is not intentional, and I try to hid them as best I can, but sometimes that is not always possible.  Sometimes, regardless of how hard I may try, they are there.  And I appreciate honesty, sincerity, and heartfelt words that ease my fears.  But sometimes, again, that band-aid is there, and in the process of honesty, sincerity, and heartfelt words, there is the sting from the removal.  And the healing does not occur until days later when my thin skin has healed.

I pray tomorrow will offer sweet comfort, sweet relief, and the joy I want so desperately.  I pray tomorrow, and every day after, will only bring me the companionship I long for.  And I guess I won't know that until I get through tomorrow.  Hopefully the band-aid I fear will be nothing, and only soothing comfort will be there.

Please remember these things

Just a few thoughts for me to remember every time it seems my heart is breaking, when I feel the need for encouragement, or when I am able to feel the love I so freely offer is returned to me without reservation.

"One day, I will be in love again with someone who loves me back.

One day, I will know what it feels like to surrender to emotion without reservation.

One day, I will hear his voice and know I am okay because he is near.

One day, when he says he will call, the phone will ring, 

and promises made are not promises broken in the future"

"Never fill her ears with lies, 

her mouth with words, 

her eyes with tears, 

her mind with confusion, 

and her heart with pain."

"May you never steal, lie or cheat. 

But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. 

And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. 

And if you must cheat, then please cheat death, 

because I couldn't live a day without you."

Those little moments that mean more than a little

For the new year, I am going to attempt positivity whenever possible.  This is not as difficult or different from what I have attempted in years past.  But maybe more in my forethought when thinking about events that may happen, have happened, or are currently pressing to me as of this moment.

It seems that moments that forever change your feelings, opinions, or thoughts about something or someone are not huge, monumental events.  That is usually what breaks the camel's back, so to speak, but not the actual moment in which change occurred.  This change may have been undetectable, or incredibly visible.  In reflecting back on moments of my own, I have been forced to examine what actions I may have partaken in as well. 

This year, I am determined to look at things in a new light.  I hope to not over analyze, but rather pay attention to those small moments.  Those small exchanges between the guy I am dating where we are able to not only be together, but hold hands, exchange a glance, experience a moment, or not let go of him while embracing until he lets go of me.  Those small moments between the kids and I were they are learning who I am, and I am learning who they are.  What seems like insignificant moments between family and friends where I can soak in the seconds instead of rushing through the hours.

This year, my little moments will be encouraged, cultivated, and celebrated.

Spark of imagination

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Eleanor Roosevelt

There are moments where imagination may seem as far far away as being able to actually touch the stars within the night sky.  This may be due to hardship, tiredness, or lack of vision.  In any of those circumstances, the need to rise above status quo is even more in need.

The need for imagination has always been what this world operates on, with, because of.  Without this magical yet mysterious thought process we would not have electricity, motor vehicles, technology, art, dance, drama.  All rely upon and were introduced to the world due to imagination.

As a child, we all experience wonderful moments of imagination.  These moments are defined by playing with our siblings, friends, family members, and others we would meet on the playground.  We would spend hours playing dolls, barbies, trucks, cars, army men, cops and robbers, house, tea, or with our stuffed animals.  We developed an incredible universe with people, things, experiences, and moments when we were imagining.  As a child, it is not difficult to have this quality of wonderment mixed with the ability to be anything we wanted to be.  But as adults...

At some point, as we grow, we lose that sense of adventure through our minds.  No longer are the games of imagination as enticing as the need to actually do things, acquire things, conquer things in a different manner.  We learn the pattern to stop imagining by our environments, peers, or self-inspired "I am too old for that" feelings.  As we grow taller, we imagine less and less in the same ways we did as a child.  But have you ever considered revisiting this passion and drive we used to have when under the height of 4 ft?  As a parent, I have been able to capture moments like this while playing with my own children.  As they have grown taller, I have watched their imaginary games transcend any type of current events, current popular trends in childhood characters, and reflect upon my own days of playing with my friends or brothers.

That spark of imagination should be revisited as frequently as we can muster.  That moment where you allow yourself to daydream, that brief escape you provide your mind to rewind, relax, and enjoy life more is needed for well-being.  I am not saying we should all pretend to have "tea" with stuffed animals - I am suggesting you image what could be, or what you would like to do, rather than focus on what you do not have, or obstacles that may be in your way.

I am encouraging you to take a risk and do something that may be terrifying to you.  Think at a level that inspires you to perform at a higher level with your profession, with your family, with your friends, and with those you have yet to meet.  Regardless of how others may see your ideas, allow your thoughts to be expressed as you wish to have them expressed.  Allow yourself this imagination time to remember what it feels to be alive, full of wonder, full of awe, where anything is possible and you can do and be anything you desire.

Simple things mean more than anything

This week has been full of emotion for me.  Every Christmas is filled with this.  There are moments where I feel so enthusiastic about the season.  Then, like a train wreck occurring within my heart and mind, it quickly changes to melancholy bah humbugs for all!

This year has been filled with so many wonderful and terrifying experiences.  I have been so blessed to have second chances at embracing a new relationship instead of being terrified to even try. I have been so blessed to step out and find new opportunities within the professional and personal realms of my life.  And for this, I have also suffered heartache and heartbreak.  A friend told me the other day I had enough occur in 2010 it was like I had lived several years in one.  In all those moments, it has always been simple moments where I am with my kids, my family, my friends, my "lad" that have meant the most to me.  In those small moments where if you are not paying attention you may miss what is surrounding you.

Christmas within our current society makes me incredibly sad.  Once a time to spend moments with our families, it now seems it is about the BBD - Bigger, Better Deal.  We are searching for the bigger gift that can clutter the homes of those we are purchasing for.  We have lost the sense of reality, attempting to spend beyond our means all in the name of the season.  We have become individuals more concerned about the holiday baking, wrapping, and decorating than we are with the people we are doing these actions for.

I am one of those people who believes something I can make from my heart is worth more in the eyes of the receiver than the dollar amount attached. This concept may not always be shared with those receiving my gift, but it is my way of sharing with them how important they are to me - my time, my hands, my mind, and my heart all being used to encompass what they are to me.  Simply put - simple things mean more than anything to me.

And to this simple girl who just wants to have her family and friends happy, to find happiness herself, to discover love, joy, and peace within all her actions, I would implore anyone reading this to also do the same.  Hug your loved ones until they let you go.  Never forget to kiss the love of your life every night, regardless of how rough the day was.  Never forget to say thank you when someone opens a door for you, offers to help you, or does something beyond your wildest dreams.  Never forget to love each day for what it brings you, but not dwell on yesterday, or focus too much on what tomorrow may bring.  Love each other in a way that echos from every wall within your home, and saturates the air.  This is what Christmas should be like - this is what we should all strive to have within our daily lives the other 364 days of the year.  Simple things that change our hearts from callousness to thankfulness.

The midst of our storms

 

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm 

~ Casting Crowns

In our most joyful of moments it is easily forgotten how to offer praise to our Heavenly Father, thanking him for all the blessings He bestows upon us.  In our most painful moments, however, when we are down on our knees, praying for the storm to pass quickly, then we call upon Him, hoping he will hear our anguish.  Why is this?  Why are we so forgetful in times of a bountiful supply of goodness do we fail to embrace the One who created us, gave us life, and formed us with an intelligent intricate design of His image?

We are instructed to call upon Him in all moments of our life, offering thanksgiving for what we are going through.  This is much easier when we are experiencing joy - when we are allowing ourselves to recognize the goodness in our lives.  Such is the same when we feel our world is crashing around us.  We are to offer thanksgiving during these times - thankful we are learning from our experiences if nothing else. 

Yet, we are small and easily distracted by the joy and sorrow we often times forget to show our appreciation.  

Casting Crowns has a song that each time I hear it takes me to so many levels of my life. In the minutes it takes for the group to sing the lyrics I am reminded of great moments of joy and sorrow I have experienced.  There have been dark moments in my life when the song has come on, and I am in my car shedding full tears of shame for how I treat the Lord in times of happiness and sorrow.  Every time I have felt alone, yet He has been beside me, waiting to offer me the hand up I need, waiting to embrace me with His love, His power, His strength.  Every time I have felt I did not deserve goodness in my life, He has been there to remind me I am His beautiful daughter, given every opportunity to live the life He has offered me.  A life filled with His promise, His love, His delight in my praise.

I don't image the Lord of all Lords sitting on His high seat, pulling strings attached to our limbs similar to a marionette puppet, mocking us and allowing or guiding us to danger zones.  I don't image His intentions for my life are that of a bully.  Yet, when I fail to offer thanks for any situation I am in, I am showing the highest disregard for His amazing grace of allowing me another day with those I love, another day at accomplishing His plan He has put upon my life.  He asks us to give thanks, to show our appreciation in all we have...and with the sincerity.  He does not want our fair-weathered prayers on a consistent basis, but our faithful prayers at all times.

I have been working on giving my thanks regardless of my situation.  Lately, this has been very easy to remember.  Life has been a brilliant mixture of pain and joy every day recently.  While one aspect may be going well, another seems to be falling apart.  There have been moments where I have felt so broken and beyond repair, times I have curled into a fetal position due to what and where I am placed in my life.  I drive to work, praying for things to work out in one area I need help, while offering thanks with a sincere heart.  I will be at work, repeating the same concerns to Him that are heavy on my heart, but offering my appreciation that I have come as far as I have.  I drive home from work, thankful my day is over and again, talking to Him of matters I cannot share with another person.  In doing this, I feel His presence - know He has not left, know He is giving me all I need, comforting me as I cry to Him of my concerns. 

I am blessed beyond all measure this world can understand.