The ending of a very long month

October, 2010.

This was a long month. It was a month I was able to travel to San Diego for the Miramar Air Show with Glenn, his mom, and her husband. I was able to see my friend April while in town, and performed surgery on my car after running over tire tread in the dead of night on my way there. The next weekend I went to Connecticut to visit Glenn, see the fall leaves turning colors of vivid orange, red, and yellow. It was a relaxing weekend of time with his family, walking Maxwell, and being together. And then, it went down hill from there.

Between travel, working Monday through Friday, working on-call on Saturdays, working at Neiman Marcus for 2 short shifts, kids, friends, misunderstandings, miscommunication, not feeling well, going to 2 concerts, and just life in general I feel as if this one month has been filled with enough for 6. So, to remind myself of what I really enjoyed in the month end wrap up, I have decided to list them, with a reason for my gratitude, and to always remember how blessed I am, even when things seem the dimmest.

In just trying to find those moments I am grateful for, I am reminded of all I have in my life that is good. I am reminded to never take for granted anything or anyone. I have so much to be thankful for, and so blessed in so many ways.

Oct. Week 1: I am grateful for being able to see April and catch up. We hadn't seen each other in God only knows how long, and I appreciated her letting me over in the middle of her house, only to leave almost at day break.
I am grateful for time spent with Glenn and his mom, her husband. From just relaxing at the pool, to sharing sushi, to the air show, it was a great weekend

Oct. Week 2: I am grateful for being able to see Glenn so quickly after the San Diego trip. While the leaves hadn't changed as much as I expected, we still were able to enjoy the crunching of fall leaves on our walks with Maxwell. I was thankful that we were able to enjoy our time just relaxing and not doing much other than spending time together. And while it was sad to leave each other at the airport, it was much easier seeing him walk into the hall onto his plane than to wave from a security gate. I am thankful the kids were able to have a week off, enjoying their time away from school. I feel blessed to have been able to see my friend Scottie realize a dream of having a record label, and to see where he is making this dream a reality.

Oct. Week 3: Okay, so here is where things get a little more hard-pressed for gratitude. This was an emotionally draining week. I am thankful to have spent a night with old friends at my house for dinner. I am thankful that misunderstandings were at least talked about between a friend and myself. I am thankful for family and friends who helped me through a very difficult time in this week with some issues that sprung forth

Oct. Week 4: If I thought week 3 was rough,week 4 was even harder. Week 4 brought misunderstandings of a sort with a person I do not want to lose. I am thankful to have been able to see old friends at Neimans, catch up while working there. I am thankful to have salvaged another friendship that was important to me. I am thankful I was able to see my kids receive awards at their school assembly.

The silence that echos
So deftly through the air
With nothing but a memory
Of all that once was, and now is
So quietly gone

The silence that echoes
So strong, so loud
Isn't it ironic that in the silence
A deafening can occur
Numbness, defeat, and
Reminisce
Of all that was, all that could be
And all that will never be shared

I would have taken you as my partner
I would have loved you as best I could
But in the end, just silence
Silence and the occasional tear
With nothing left to spare

At what point did you choose
To take your heart and walk away
To never look back to see
If I was still standing there
At what point did you decide
I was not worth your time
I was not what you wanted, and
To leave without even a goodbye

And in my heart,
So fragile, so bruised
All the questions that still remain
I will take these things as ever present wounds
On love's great lost battle plain
The loss of holding you in my arms
The loss of hearing you call my name
To end with never yet again

For in the war of love and loss
I am once again the loser
Trapped inside this empty shell
Of what was once so grand
I am the one who is left behind
The one to pick up the empty pieces of my life
And hope to never again feel this pain
And wander through this life alone

~RAL

Eggshells are only useful to the garbage after cracking the egg

The use of our words is highly important. There are times when the use of a word, or the emphasis in which a word is used can either build someone or something up just as easily as it can bring someone or something down. In choosing our words, we are able to better communicate to the outside world our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and points of view.

It is in our words that we should always be cautious. I am not saying we should all walk around, feeling like we are in a china shop, and not say what is important or on our mind. But it is how we say things that can convey endless options to the listener at hand.

I attempt to tell those in my life where they stand. I tell those I care, or that I am here for them not as a measure to appear the good guy. It is a measure to never let the other person guess at where they stand with me. In being an emotional person, it is also nice to hear I am appreciated, loved, missed, great, whatever it is. But my telling someone those exact same things are never in an attempt to be a recipient of the same emotion when it is not heart felt.

Recently, I have failed at this. I have used words that my listeners (friends, family, person I am dating) didn't understand. I have attempted to resolve the misunderstandings, and hopefully they are now rectified. Yet, I always wonder why I use words as a double edged sword, and am always reminded if I could just communicate in written dialogue for difficult or uneasy situations my life may be simpler. I sometimes appear snappy, or hostile, when in reality I am not feeling that emotion, and did not intend to elude that emotion. I am working on this every day, and some days feel like I am failing.

I would never hope to have those in my life feel they are walking on eggshells just to communicate with me. At the same time, I want others to know where I am coming from, and need to share this with those closest to me. How, pray tell, do we do this in our world without sometimes exuding the incorrect message. I work better in an environment where I know the game rules. If I am told something, that is all I have as a basis for what is going on. Yes, I sometimes jump to conclusions. But nine times out of ten this is due to some type of misunderstanding or missed communication where the rules have changed, unbeknown to me. There is a fine line between all these thoughts, and at the end of the day I just hope the words I say to others conveys a sense of loyalty, friendship, love, and openness rather than hostile misgivings or confusion.

Oh man, they only had those "other" teams crap

So, I went out today, as I have in the past, for items from a non-Arizona team...anything other than the Diamondbacks or Cardinals. You know - teams that actually perform, and have a track record for performance.

Not to say the D-Backs and Cardinals are not performing teams...I mean, the D-Backs have won a World Series against the Yankees. They have won division championships. And, after how many years did the Cardinals make it to the Super Bowl. Sure, they didn't win, but it was amazing to see the bandwagon of friends they brought to town.

No, I was looking for teams of either the NFL or MLB persuasion that may or may not be winners this year. They may or may not have been winners in the past, but none-the-less, here I am looking for a t-shirt, bumper sticker, random crazy item and nothing. If I were a Steelers fan, or at least looking for Steelers items, I would have been set. If I thought buying those commercial looking t-shirts that everyone has, I would have been thrilled. Nope, I am hard to please I guess.

The conversation with the sales person went something like this:
Me: "Excuse me, do you have anything for (INSERT TEAM NAME HERE). Do you have anything?"

Sales Person: "We have a few things. We usually have more, but due to their record this year we haven't gotten much in."

Me, interpreting this in my head for what the sales person just said to me: "I am sorry you are looking for a team that is not local. Our local teams suck, but we have plenty of their items left at full price. Due to you looking for something that is another team other than our sucky teams who is having a tough year, you are out of luck."

The funny thing is, Phoenix is not a sports town. We have had the Suns, D-Backs, Cardinals, and hell, even the Coyotes in town for awhile. True, Suns have done well in the past, and they are the oldest home team. Short of the one World Series title from the D-Backs, however, we are not a powerhouse. We don't even have a house to put our power in. We really don't cater to fans at large, which I understand. But, man, why do they have to sell items for teams I really care less about? Maybe this is true for other towns, and difficulties in finding team gear there. But you would think they would have a schmear of everything. Instead, they only had the other teams crap I do not wish to purchase.

Silence is golden, except if it is aimed at you

Silence is golden. There are days I love just sitting in my car, no one talking to me, no one to create ramblings in my ear. These are the days I have already talked to those I wanted to talk to for the moment, and am just enjoying my time.

There are other days when silence is not golden if you feel it is aimed at you for a reason. Those days were you feel the people you want to talk to the most are not communicating with you on purpose. Coupled with silence, you may have some communication, but it is strained. You may text them, and receive replies in 1 or 2 words. You may call and have the person sound so disinterested in talking to you, it makes you wonder why you called in the first place. Or, if you become familiar with using terms of endearment that decrease, or cease to exist. Worse yet, going from talking to someone multiple times a day, sharing thoughts, etc, to not having them answer your call. The sound of voice mail is not a welcomed tone on those days.

I am not saying I need to hear from everyone I care about on a daily basis. But when a new pattern develops that may include silence, or a difference in tone with the other person, it can be confusing and conflicting. I am not perfect, and in the past have left others alone if I feel they are upset which can also seem to be silence from me. Rest assured, it is not silence, but just respect for the other person's feelings, and wanting to ensure I am not overstepping that imaginary line in the sand between resolution and resentment.

I attempt to tell those in my life how I feel about them whenever I can. I have learned in the past you may not get another chance to express this emotion or feeling. I am sometimes too forward with my thoughts, and at other times not forward enough. I won't confront a person with my feelings, but also am unsure how to not come across in a confrontational way when attempting to resolve feelings I may be having, and wanting to have everything out in the open. And while I am able to go with the flow for certain situations, if it is a matter of my heart I need to have a road map to just know the path I am on is correct. I certainly don't want to walk down a path where I should not be, or have feelings that are unacceptable or unrealistic. If I care about someone, I will tell anyone I meet about that feeling. If I am unhappy with someone I try to refrain from telling anyone due to needing to keep this to myself as to not spread my misgivings to others. I do not understand why the patterns may change, but always long for stability. And if things change, or there is a difference in tone it can hurt.

Silence is golden, except if it is aimed directly at you. Changes to how you talk to someone, or what you divulge are part of life. But if you care about someone, or have cared about them, communication of changes you are feeling are necessary above all else.

Finding purpose on days of defeat

So, once I fall asleep tonight (hopefully), I will be thankful that the past 24 hours have come, spent their time, and moved on into the past. Once I fall asleep tonight I am hoping to wake up with a better feeling in my heart, and renewed energy. Once I fall asleep tonight I hope I will have no need to fear, no need to doubt, no need to feel as I do right now. It was a difficult day, of both personal and professional levels.

It is on days like this, where I feel defeated, detached, derailed, and desideratum that I wish I could remember my purpose. What was that, and where did I leave it laying? I must have sat it down somewhere, and in my frazzled state I forgot where it was.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

I wish I had the ability to remember this scripture every time I fell down. For every time I have gotten myself worked up out of nothing, and thought I could manage things on my own. I wish when I hear others, and their stories of true bliss I could feel that as well. Not in a way that supersedes my happiness for them, but just in being able to discover my own bliss. We are not promised an easy life. If life were easy we may not appreciate all the beautiful things we have in this world. But I wish my life was just a bit more clear that at the moment I am in. I wish I had that purpose defined in much more certain roles than it is now.

I know I have purpose in my daily life. I am a mother, I am a friend, I am a family member, I am someone who is there for others when needed. And at the end of my day, this should be enough. Yet my heart is still searching for more, wandering through whatever this uneasiness is, and praying to find rest. My desires, those desires that are challenged at times, those desires that are sometimes mocked by others and myself, still remain. But it is in my desires I find the most stress, and the most displeasure. Finding my purpose on days like this is not easy, and definitely not something I even have the energy to do at this point.

And so, as always, I sit and pray. I pray about all that is bothering me, hoping to find resolution. I pray for all those desires of my heart, and thank the Lord that I am able to come to Him in conversation for a brief moment to feel gratitude for all I do have at this moment. Things never are easy, but at the very least I have this solace in the midst of my imagined or real storms lurking within my heart. And maybe that is what my purpose is for the moment. To realize these gifts given to me, and all I have to be thankful for.

Closer

So what can I do to get closer?
I know there is more my heart can bear
I give you control 'cause I need you
To take me there
- "Closer" by Sanctus Real

In this brief moment of need, I am attempting to become closer. Closer to grace, closer to forgiveness, and closer to simplistic beauty again.

Life is always full of ironic moments that have the ability to resemble to playground bully at an elementary school. At one moment you are smelling roses, and the next you are standing in the landmine. Some of this may be due to how you react to a moment, or may be due to imagined scenarios. But either way, and regardless of the root issue, it is always important to draw closer to the One who will have comfort for you, regardless of your bad hair day, poor choice of words day, or general dissatisfaction day.

I have been blessed recently in ways that I could never dream. I requested help and received the help. I requested time, and received time. I requested attention, and received attention. But while in the midst of having one prayer answered in such a bountiful way, I neglected to place my faith in the Lord for other areas. Self-doubt is a terrible demon, and much worse than the green monster of jealousy. This demon not only invites the green monster into your heart, but it also dances upon your worse fears, flaunting areas of your inner heart more than any other. And this is where you make rash decisions out of fear stirring within. And what grand mistakes I have made.

Placing thoughts of "if only," "should have," and "why didn't I" only traditionally will make this doubt boil over, and spill forth to other areas. One of my own personal self-doubts hinges upon being a single mother, for one. As a single mother I constantly second guess my decisions. At the end of the day I am the sole person responsible for 3 lives. Within this circle of doubt are those feelings that I will not be seen in a serious manner for a relationship. There is always mention of responsibilities I have. And while I know of these responsibilities better than anyone, it is always a fear that I will not progress within any relationship due to having children. Another self-doubt is the feeling of not being able to have a successful relationship due to being divorced. These are really my issues of self-doubt that I need to overcome before being happy. Most days, they are not an issue at all. To even call them an issue is even difficult. That would seem I am calling my life an issue. In these things, I need to remember to pray, and to not allow the demon and monster creep in and reside within my heart. The only way I know to do this is continually pray for the right situations to occur; to meet someone who knows I have kids but is not worried about becoming a father to them, to surround myself with others who love me as I am, and only wish the best for my future. I need to release these feelings to the Lord, and allow Him to present the way. I need to become closer to Him, and cling to Him as a newborn infant clings to their mother or father. My fear is only creating issues for the present, and this is affecting the future I may have.

Your mountain is waiting

"You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!"
— Dr. Seuss (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)

My mountains today feel so much taller than one week ago. I am trying to weigh everything that is in my life, and decide what choices need to be made. And while I would like to say I have great places to go, the truth is I feel as if I am sitting in sinking sand.

There is this moment, an undefinable moment in which something changes. You don't recognize it at the time. It is not a giant rush of fools, but rather a shimmer of light that changes without the unseen eye's awareness. This leads to other changes that you may not notice, yet again, unless you are paying attention. This other change includes slight change of voice, or exuberance in how you say your words followed by the lack of words once so easy to say, followed by the lack of talking at all. In this, you feel a tide of fear rush over your body, as if you are in the ocean at high tide, being swept under. All of this from something so small you barely noticed.

We never notice that one grain of sand in our shoe. We typically will only notice the grain of sand when it has developed into a small pebble of hardened stone. We continue to walk about with the one grain of sand, and it only collects additional pieces to become the stone. So is true of our relationships, if left untended. So is true of our feelings, if left unsaid. We only notice something once it is bigger than we can sometimes control. And it is in this development of the grain becoming a pebble that often times leaves us paralyzed.

That is my mountain, the unknown destination I am to go to. The unknown of what may happen if I decide to release my fears into the universe to have the universe hear and turn into reality. In the "what-ifs" and "buts" I feel, they may not be real, but imagined in the heart of a silly girl who reads too much into a situation that may not be there at all. But it is the fear of making the grain into a pebble, or borrowing trouble that is not there that leaves me, at this very moment, completely paralyzed. Paralyzed and praying I am making more out of the lack of words and exuberance that could be for ten million other reasons than what I fear most, being alone yet again.

I pray I am off to great places, and that this particular emotion is just that of the silly girl I am. I pray today is my day to do great things, and in doing great things have great things in return. And I suppose I will never know unless I try.

Back to the future

Today, I drove through a neighborhood I used to call home as an elementary school kid. Most of the neighborhood looks exactly as it did when I lived on this road. You have the townhouses, now aging and in need of a new pant job. The round church I spent every Sunday and Wednesday in for four years. The "new" townhouses which are no longer new, and painted an adobe red rather than crisp white. And then you have where my house used to sit.

Where my house used to sit is now occupied by apartment complexes. Huge buildings with fabricated stucco and rock. Where once I used to ride my bike, there is a fountain. Where once we used to play soccer in a large field, there is a parking lot. This is the result of change and progress.

I am nostalgic for the past, happy about the present, and excited for the future.

This neighborhood is where my brothers learned how to fall so perfectly they needed trips to the emergency room. This is the neighborhood I was introduced to the hot Arizona sun when moving in the middle of a summer from a humid Pampa, Texas town. This is the neighborhood I learned how horrible a bus ride to school was. My parents would work hard to support us in this neighborhood, with my mom staying home and my dad doing a job completely out of his profession of choice. I used to love sneaking into the neighbor's yard to eat the pecans that fell from her tree. I loved walking around the block that was overshadowed with old trees, good people, and places I loved to be. This neighborhood is less than one mile from where I work now.

It is strange, going back to a place you are so familiar with. You see things differently than you once did with a child's eyes. Those "new" townhouses were being built when I lived on this street. My brothers and I would play house in the under construction buildings. I could look from my backyard and see one of two major roads running through Scottsdale, and I think back to how rural Scottsdale Road at one time appeared, and how it now appears. Every day I walk through the past for a brief moment, remembering one memory after the next.

My present; the location of where I live, where I work, who I am dating, where my kids go to school are separated at any given day by 2,500 miles. I live my days wishing I could be at home while I am at work, getting things done. While driving the kids to school I wish for the day I am able to see the man with whom I am so happy with on the other side of the country. This is hard, at best. Some days I feel like I am three different people, attempting to juggle all at once. And, while I have never been asked to juggle, I am also a perfectionist at relationships, and harder on myself than anyone if I feel I have failed the kids, if I feel I am failing in my relationship, or failing at work. My present is filled with current times being made into memories, moments to cherish.

While I can never go back to that neighborhood as it was when I was growing up, I can always make my current life the happiest I can. I have that choice. I may not be able to control everything that occurs in my life, I have the choice to make the best out of what I have. This is the future. This is the exciting part where we do not know where our journey may take us, but there is always a destination to get to, and another moment to make. Like that neighborhood, I have changed, too. I miss that neighborhood much like I miss aspects of who I was as a younger woman, so sure of my future, and strong in my beliefs. I am still that person in many ways, but I too have developed as my world around me changed.

Closing my heart off

I am an extremely sensitive person. I have been told this my entire life. And growing up until now, situations I have been in only lead to more sensitivity. If I think someone is upset with me, I back off. If I think I have disappointed someone, I try to go above and beyond to never disappoint again. I try to give my all, all the time. But what if what I am doing will never be good enough, or the right way to do it?

My heart has been bruised in so many ways. It should come with a warning sign "Heart bruised, handle with care." It has been bruised, but each time I somehow manage to get up again. Others may think I am strong - but that is not the case. I am not strong in so many ways...most of the time I am afraid of my own shadow, and hoping to just make those around me happy. I find my strength in my faith, I find strength in my family...beyond that I am fragile. I can act valiant if given the chance, but acting and being are not the same thing, now are they?

How many times have I just sat back, and let life go by for the simple sake of not wanting to cause issues, or raise concerns? How many times have I felt the sting of feeling ignored, or not knowing why someone may be upset where I patiently waited for them to shed light on the issue. Coming from some of the circumstances I have been in, I have learned to let the situation calm before attempting to solve anything. Maybe it is out of fear I do this; fear of knowing the truth of how I have disappointed someone, or made them upset. Maybe it is out of a need to just know I am not lashing out at the other person.

Sometimes I wonder if I read situations incorrectly. You know - you see something that was done unintentionally but still feel that tinge of pain in your heart? In going from happiness to sadness at the flip of a coin. I know that I share much with those in my life if I am upset, but only once the hurt is over. It is up to that point I am a closed book.

Right now, at this very moment, this is how I feel. I feel this awkward silence that may be all in my head. It could just be me, reading the situation incorrectly, and wanting something more than what the other is able to provide. It would be helpful, incredibly helpful, to have some type of bravery to speak up. But the last time I did this it resulted in my heart being broken. The last time I didn't vow to close my heart to anything new, but I didn't intend to disclose so much emotion. I could say I was brave in showing these feelings in the first place. I could say I tried my best, or that I was fearless in expression. But, at the end of the day, if the other person does not reciprocate due to many reasons, all I am is the person who gave and did too much.

I don't want to close off my heart to the possibilities that may be there in the future. I am always willing to show who I am, good or bad. I don't want to come off as someone who is hard, or unapproachable. I also don't know if I can possibly have my heart bruised again, and in such a way that I react by closing off my heart.

I don't wish to read someone's mind...I don't wish to know what the other person is thinking 100% of the time. But I also don't wish to feel left out. If you don't feel the same way, letting me know is better than continuing a farce or have me believing thing are okay. Kind of funny coming from someone who won't confront others, almost self-righteous. But I will probably never confront you about how I am feeling, so someone has got to do it.

Pitfalls of a world with social media

Communication in years past included many methods that would take time for the recipient. Mail would take weeks if not months to arrive. Telegraphs and telephones were invented, allowing easier and quicker methods of communication, but even then you were limited to the connection you may receive the communication. Never before have we been able to "talk" to someone so quickly as we are in today's world with today's technology.

In today's world, along with a telephone, you have people connected to a mobile phone. You can email, chat, text, join social networks all in attempts to stay in touch with family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances. It is great to have such instant connection with others in far off places from where you are sitting...and also has it's own set of issues.

I have a friend who discovered his girlfriend was cheating on him based on information within her Facebook profile, status, and wall postings. They lived together, she was helping raise his son, and been together for quite some time. The pain in his own status messages after the discovery were gut-wrenching.

I have other friends who will spill their own daily doings, when they are sick, getting up in the morning, going to sleep, going to shop, eat out, etc. Everything posted for all to see at any moment of the day. In looking at these posts, one may wonder what is not left to the imagination, or kept quiet.

The worst of this is the meaning behind what is posted. In reading a post where someone may find intrigue in something, the reader may be left to read between the lines and feel hurt. In reading a post where a comment is made, the reader may find issue with content. Who is right? Who is wrong? At the end of the day if hurt is to be had, does it really matter?

This just in...

There are many times in my life when I wished I was either deaf or mute. Sometimes, both. Not because I wish to never talk again, or never hear again. Simply because there are times in my life when I wish I didn't speak up, or open my mouth. Other times I wish I didn't have to listen to what someone is telling me.

I am learning that what I say about others is a clear reflection of how others may also look at me, or see me. I am learning that if someone says negative things about another person, or people; if they talk in a discouraging way about others they call friends, chances are they are also doing this with me, and about me. This is an issue that has always reared it's ugly head since I was in junior high, and the older I get it does not seem to go away. I will admit there have been times when I have done this. I may have been upset about something and needed to get it off my chest to someone, anyone, before I exploded with feelings. But this action never seems to do anyone any good, mostly myself.

Something else I learned, am still learning, and will probably continue to learn. Those who talk about their other friends in a discouraging way are probably talking about you to those other friends in the same way. It does not take courage to talk about someone else negatively. It is very easy to get caught in that trap, and continue the trend for long periods of time. Same thing goes for secrets you may share with someone who tells you another person's secrets so freely. It is not curiosity that killed the cat. It is sheer lack of keeping your mouth shut that will cause hurt to someone else. As you are listening to someone tell you these things, ask yourself if the situation were reversed, and the person was telling someone else about your pains, issues, deepest feelings, would you want this to be light conversation between others?

We all need to share our feelings. We all need to express our fears to someone in a safe environment. We do not assume it will be seen as gossip fodder for others. Be mindful of how you share your information, and who you share that with. Be mindful of who you are talking about, and how you are talking about them. There may be a day that the shoe is on the other foot, and somehow people know more than they should. No one likes their lives, the personal moments they let you into, to be common knowledge for others.

In case of an emergency, please call...

It is funny the little "emergencies" we have in life. Every moment could be a breaking point either one way or the other if we let it. On a daily basis we encounter circumstances with other people, bills we can or cannot pay, friends who lift us up or let us down, and the constant need to succeed, and the constant desire to not fail. Our lives are so much a yo-yo of aiming, and hopefully marking our target. But what happens when you have those emergencies that are gut-wrenching, or seemingly beyond our means, or our control?

This seems to be the idea of the moment within my life for the past 6 months. Really, if I look back further I am sure it would be a longer stretch of time. But I feel as if I have lived a lifetime within my last six months. I have had many successes, and many moments where I have fallen (both figuratively and literally.) And it seems, in those moments, my prayers are answered, unfailingly. Though where the source comes from is very surprising, and leaving me feeling blessed beyond measure. Today, I am singing the psalm of ascents.

Psalm 121 (New King James Version)

Psalm 121

A Song of Ascents.

¹ I will lift up my eyes to the hills - From whence comes my help?
² My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth.

³ He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber.
⁴ Behold, He who keeps Israel Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
⁶ The sun shall not strike you by day, Nor the moon by night.

⁷ The LORD shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul.
⁸ The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.

So many moments of my life could be summed by the opening line of this passage. So many moments within my life I could sing praises just based on the passage for my fortune. My fortune may not be of great wealth to the rest of the world; I won't be driving a Mercedes Benz at any point soon to come, or drape my neck with jewels. I have a fortune, a great wealth, of family and friends who care for me in my greatest time of need. It is always surprising to me who it is that comes in my time of need.

I am divorced. Yet, my in-laws have never become exes within my life. The ways they support me cannot be measured by anything this world can describe. My sister-in-law Jessica offering to help with a car, and no concern for payment. My mother-in-law who calls me on days I need a hug to tell me she loves me. My father-in-law who would leave notes around my house telling me I was a great mom, and deserved nothing short of the best when I felt my world falling apart around me. My other sisters-in-law Arin and Krista who care for my kids when they are visiting, and never complain about the extra mouths to feed, never play a guilt trip on time they must spend. They have been there for me before, during, and after the end of my marriage always in support, always in love, and always in a way that is beyond what is expected of a typical ex-in-law situation.

For my own family, always willing to pitch in when they can. Always willing to help with a hand, and love that cannot be tarnished.

I have friends who show their presence in ways often not broadcast to the world. Friends who, by normal standards, may be the least likely of candidates to show when needed. But always there, holding me up when I feel I will crumble with the world I feel is falling apart as well.

For these people, for these situations, I know the Lord is standing beside me. He is giving me the help I need, and hopefully I am able to return that help when asked, or without prompting but by thought. In case of an emergency, these are the people I call after praying. My help comes from the Lord, through mysteries I cannot dispel, and often do not feel worthy of. My help comes from the maker of heaven and earth, who made me to serve Him, and to praise Him, even when the world is crashing.

Things that make me go yuck

We all have those likes and dislikes in our lives. Some we may share with others, and some may be unique to only us. I am not a master of all things in this world, but I am a master of knowing what I do not like, do not appreciate, and do not want just as much as I am aware of what I like, what I appreciate, and what I want.

In knowing what I don't want or like, it allows me to avoid certain pitfalls easier. I will occasionally step outside the realm of my world and try new things, but often times I remain quite happy within the bubble I have created. Recently, my bubble was shattered when I tried sushi again - and realized I actually enjoyed it. I am not going overboard with crazy varieties - mostly tuna and salmon. But this was a HUGE revelation to me in discovering this little tid-bit. I posted earlier what I liked. So, to have the yin with my yang, here is a list of things I do not like, do not appreciate, and do not want. I am not saying I have never done these things I dislike - quite the contrary. I could have done these items on my list, and learned, or have had them done to me. Either way, they are on the dislike list now.

I do not like:
- Getting cut off in traffic
- Confrontation of any kind. I am not one to tell you if you have hurt me, and will analyze to all ends of the day what I did, or what my part was to ensure if we do talk about my hurt I am not taking things out on you that really are not your fault
- Jealousy between friends. This is hard, because you can never truly eliminate this aspect of human nature. But, as a head's up, if I tell you I want to do something for months, and you decide to circumvent and make my desire harder due to jealousy I will not be happy about it. But, due to not liking confrontation I will probably analyze if I told you what I wanted in a method that was easy to understand, and ultimately not do what I wanted to do out of respect for you.
- Being ignored. Again, this is something that really may be my own interpretation of what is going on. You may be wild busy with whatever it is you are doing, and not intentionally ignoring me. But just the same, refer to the item about confrontation...
- Attention seekers. I am a wall-flower. It may take me a while to open up to new people. I am suspicious at times of new people. I probably won't be the life of the party around new people. Due to this, I have a hard time with people are are purposeful in seeking attention.
- Doing good deeds to garnish attention. Much like those who are attention seekers, this group of people will do good, tell you about the good they did, along with everyone they know, and then almost pat themselves on the back with "I am just glad I was there to help him/her." The intention may be to perform good deeds, but if you are telling everyone what you did, and also if it involves helping someone going through a difficult time where you have now let everyone else in on the inner workings of someone's pain it somehow diminishes the original intent.
- Making someone else look bad at the sake of making yourself look good. I once had a friend who would constantly belittle me in the presence of others...it could be her boyfriend, my boyfriend, mutual friends, my kids, co-workers. It became a huge issue of why we are no longer friends. There is a difference between teasing someone in good taste, and making a fool of or mocking someone.

I do not appreciate:
- Drama queens and kings. Yes, I know you are tired, that your legs hurt, that you have all kinds of things going on within your minute/hour/day/week/life. Complaining about it, or making others around you uncomfortable due to how you mention it is unnecessary. Creating issues for yourself when you have complete control over a majority of what you think and express to the world is really unnecessary.
- Lack of respect for my religious or political views/beliefs. I am more than willing to share my thoughts on religion and politics. I will sit and listen to your thoughts on the same subject with an open mind, respect, and curiosity. However, do not mock my beliefs or argue with my thoughts, and disrespect who I feel.
- Men who claim to be something they are not. There is nothing worse than meeting someone, have them match your ideals, then find out they were not really telling the truth. This goes both ways for women insinuating half truths to men. If you don't like something, please do me the favor and tell me. If your feelings have changed, save me the heartbreak by telling me. Don't do my any "favors" by misleading me, keeping me in a loop, or creating more drama in my life...
- People with easy jobs complaining about their jobs. Yes, it is work. I get it. No one likes to work. Especially if there is little to do at your job. But if your job includes nothing more than reading magazines, going to Facebook all day, or using g-chat to tell your friends how bored you are, get over yourself. You are lucky to be employed, and lucky no one has caught on that you actually need to do something else other than running your mouth.
- People who create drama in my life. This just goes without saying. If you decide to have drama, that is great...for you. I don't want it in my life however, due to the amount of drama already present. I don't want to hear how much you hate something that you know directly effects me but I have no control over, like my job, car, children, etc. I don't want to be disturbed with your messages if they will bring nothing but misery to my life...
- Laziness. Every once in a while I will sit and do nothing. I can appreciate it for all of 5 minutes. But for those who are consistently not doing anything, then complaining to be bored, or those who do not do something, anything, with their time.

What I don't want:
- Cheaters, Liars, Thieves need not apply. If you intent to do any of the previously mentioned, please do not even bother in initiate conversation with me. Likewise, if you have ever cheated on a girlfriend or boyfriend I am also not interested. In my experience, those who cheat are, in fact, thieves, and liars. As someone who has been cheated on, I really don't want to repeat history with a new person, be that a new boyfriend or new friend.
- Excuses for ineptness I really don't feel the need to explain this other than if you have the aptitude for ineptness, and your attitude is to blame things away, I have enough going on in my life. Again, please don't call me, I will never answer. And please do not expect a Christmas card or warm fuzzy at any point from me.

When two worlds collide

There are so many times in our lives when we have collisions with different aspects of our lives. With the help of social media, we are discovering that 6 degrees of separation is really more common than we ever thought. Suddenly, we are all more connected, all more closely intertwined in ways we never dreamed of.

We can all look at our networks of professional, personal, family to discover similarities beyond what we could do even 5 years ago.

My earliest recollection of this "collision" sadly was not my story. No, it was on the news learning a woman who works as a waitress had been pouring coffee for her father for years, every morning, without knowing who he was, and he not knowing who she was.

Then came my own experiences.

In junior high and high school I went to school with a girl who's parents were divorced. She lived in my town with her mother, and her father was about 80 miles south. She lived between them, sharing weekends and summers, or a school year at one point, with her dad. When coming back from her weekend visits she would often tell me about her time with her dad, his girlfriend, her two kids. The girlfriend had a daughter who was 4 years younger than us, and had best friends that were twins, all sharing the same birth date. When she was visiting her father during one summer we would write letters, and always she would mention these other people. After graduating high school we went our separate ways but remained in contact very randomly. Flash forward to meeting my ex-husband, his sisters (twins), and their best friend (all 3 born on the same day) and finding out the people my friend from school was talking about are now part of my family.

When working at Macy's for the cosmetic department I had a client who would come in for men's fragrance. He was older, probably in his 70's or 80's. He was sweet, though. He refused to buy his cologne from anyone but me, probably due to my giving him all the freebies I could find. After about a year of him coming in, and telling me about his cruises he takes, the girlfriend he would buy jewelry for, etc. we talked about his family. His son was an All American in college, and also a great wrestler. He was very proud of his son, and talked about him, his wife, and their kids regularly after that. One day, while talking about his son, he mentioned where his son worked - at the high school I went to. His son was my American History teacher in high school, and I went to school, graduated from high school with his grandson. After learning this, he would regularly bring in pictures of the family so that I could see them, and he could show them off.

Other random collisions are because of social media. I became "friends" with a girl I knew in high school. Among her friends was a girl I went to elementary school with, 80 miles from where I went to high school. Turns out, these 2 somehow met in college, became best friends, and strangely we were all connected. I met another friend at church, became friends on the site, and realized one of her friends is someone I worked with during my freshman year of college some 16 years ago.

When our two worlds collide, I do not think it is by coincidence. I do not believe it is by accident. I believe it is to remind us of how we are all connected to one another in some way. It is to remind us to be kind to strangers, never knowing who they may be in relation to others we know, others we care about, or even love in the past, present, and future. It is to remind us that angels are watching over us, and guiding us to safety through another person to connect the circle of life. Life is a miraculous event, and we are never really alone in a sea of faces. We may be unique in finger print, cell structure, DNA, but we are all still connected in a very intricate way. This reminds me to be kind to the older people I meet; they may be someone's grandparent. This reminds me to be kind to children; they may be offspring of someone I knew or know. It reminds me to be kind to the person who is at the grocery store, department store, gas station, restaurant. They could all be a part of my world without my even knowing it.

The hardest part of saying goodbye

Today, like so many other days, I had to say goodbye to someone I hate saying goodbye to. It wasn't a "forever" goodbye (in a lame childish tone) where I was upset, or happy to see him walk away. It wasn't a death where I will never see him again. It was another goodbye, in an airport, watching him walk through the security gates, and off to his home.

I am familiar with goodbyes. Since I am dating someone who lives in a different city, it is par for the course. Something that has happened about every three weeks with one of us walking through the gates and off to the skies, homeward bound. Each time does not get easier, and if it did I would worry why I wasn't worried about his safe travels, his safe return to his home 2,500 miles away. But each time it reminds me of why it is so hard. Let me preface by saying that, at least in this turn, I will see him again in 4 days, 10 hours, 29 minutes (but who is counting). The reason it is so hard is due to the emotion I feel, the wonderful approach to relaxing I have while around him.

The hardest part of saying goodbye is walking away, knowing when I arrive at home I will be without him by my side. The hardest part of saying goodbye is knowing I won't see his smile for a few days, weeks, or heaven forbid - a month of longer. The hardest part of saying goodbye is not feeling his touch, feeling his hand hold mine. The hardest part of saying goodbye is not hearing his voice, and seeing his lips speak at the same time. The hardest part of saying goodbye is knowing I will face tomorrow morning without him as a part of my regular daily interaction. The hardest part of saying goodbye is knowing tomorrow will only be another day we are apart. The hardest part of saying goodbye is all the small things that add up to the person I am with, wanting to just be near him for longer than a few days.

I know part of the long distance is being patient. Patience, along with a high regard for the other person, a level of trust and respect that is there in any relationship, but needed at a higher level of sensitivity. The need for honesty, candor, and openness is at a higher level. The time spent with one another is to be a retreat, a gift, a desired destination. I feel very fortunate to have this time to really get to know him, share things with him that may not otherwise be shared if we were in close proximity. We don't have a Saturday routine of doing something together, but we do have a routine of calling each other throughout our day, of talking before we fall asleep, and of sharing moments of intimacy for thoughts shared with no one else. I am willing to wait until I see him again; willing to be patient while we are getting to know one another, willing to travel to see him. I am willing because I believe he is worth the wait. He is worth the moments of separation for the moments of being together.