Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Think back to those awkward moments in junior high...the bad hair days, bad clothes days...days you were unsure of yourself, or what you wanted, much less how you felt about the outside world.  In some ways, you lived in a bubble, and in others you felt very small in a universe so large.  Those moments where you wondered if someone liked you, wondered if they were going to ask you to dance in the gymnasium of your school beneath the dim lights and bright sunlight filtering in through the opened doors.  The bad punch drinks, even worse dancing, and complete fear he would ask you to dance met with the complete fear he would not.

Every time I hear this song, I think back to those days.  Those wonderful days were I wanted to grow up so badly, but didn't know if growing up was actually good.  That time in my life when I suddenly had a chest that required a bra, taller than most the boys, permed hair, big earrings, and even bigger hair.  I was aware of so many things, yet unaware of even more.  I was young, naive, and full of hope.  At times I still thought my parents could solve all of the world's problems, but had started to realize they actually had feelings, needs, and desires past the home we had and my brothers and I.  In so many ways, that time was like a rose, full of fragrant petals, and also full of thorns.

We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to her favourite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say love's a game of easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could let you know somehow
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn
Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar will remain

I know I could saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

and now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Sparks Fly

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards
You're the kind of reckless that should send me running
But I kinda know that I won't get far

And you stood there in front of me
Just close enough to touch
Close enough to hope you couldn't see
What I was thinking of

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
Cause' I see sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea
You touch me once and it's really something
You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be
I'm on my guard for the rest of the world
But with you I know it's no good
And I could wait patiently but I really wish you would

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

I run my fingers through your hair
And watch the lights go wild
Just keep on keeping your eyes on me
It's just strong enough to make it feel right
And lead me up the staircase
Won't you whisper soft and slow
I'm captivated by you baby
Like a fireworks show

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Sparks fly, baby smile, sparks fly

I care

I told you how your hurt me, baby
But you don't care
Now I'm crying and deserted, baby
But you don't care
Ain't nobody tell this is love
But you're immune to all my pain
I need you to tell me this is love
You don't care if that's okay

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

Ever since you knew your power
You made my cry
And now every time our love goes sour
You won't sympathize
You see these tears falling down to my ears
I swear you like when I'm in pain

I try to tell you all my fears
You still don't care? That's okay

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

Boy, maybe if you care enough
I wouldn't have to care so much
What happened to our trust?
Now you just given up
You used to be so in love
Now you don't care no more

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

Not Over You

"Not Over You"

Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful - face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood - and I realize

[Chorus]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm - not over you (not over you)

Damn, damn girl you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you

[Chorus]

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...

"How r u doin?"

It is funny how, in the midst of an emotional storm, we welcome the tiniest of distractions.  And, as long as this distraction does not in some way remind of the emotional storm, you are able to continue on the path to healing.  But it is a very thin line drawn in the sands of your heart should your heart be unable to distinguish between the pain of your storm, and the the ability to move on.  That thin line can place you right back at square one, back in the turmoil and upheaval that is overwhelming.  

I do not like square one.  If it could be removed, life would be so much easier.  All the progress one can make is instantly removed when crossing that line...and this is where I am right now.  Right back at square one.  That place where all the memories are again fresh in my mind, and my dreams are being held captive by these memories.  My desires are locked away, tightly under lock and key, and my pain is closer to the surface than it was a few days ago.  

What am I supposed to say when asked how I am doing? "I am hurting, trying to keep it together at work, but crying myself home in my car.  This whole situation has screwed me up so much that I am not sure how to trust another human, much less believe you actually give a damn as you ask me. I was doing great until you came in and swept me off my feet as you threw me off the cliff of emotions. Why was I not good enough? Why was it that I gave you my heart, and you took advantage of it?" 

Would it be better to give thanks for how I am feeling?  "Thanks for making me doubt all that is good, all that is healthy? Thanks for making me feel so undesirable as a person?  Thanks for taking a piece of my heart, using it as a toy for your own whims? Thanks for making me feel at any minute the rest of the world will fall apart?"

Would it be better to lie, as I am doing to the rest of the world when asked how I am? "Life is great, everything is coming together as I wanted it to, and I don't think of you at all.  I am feeling so happy with where things are, and thankful for all the beauty in my life."

The truth is that there is no easy way for me to answer that question without exposing my true feelings.  I can't shut off those emotions.  To the world, to those who do not know me, I probably seem like I am fine.  Inside, however, I feel my heart is shattered into a million pieces still.  To be over this would be better, but here I am again, square one... 

In the heart of hearts, when asked how I am doing, I would like to say "I'm great."  The longer I feel this pain, and share it, the more control someone else has over my own dreams. The methods in which I am coping may not be the best.  In my heart of hearts I would love to never allow you to know how broken I am, how much this has taken from me.  In my heart of hearts I would love to never allow you to know each day feels like my heart is breaking again as I wake up from dreaming that all that has occurred was just one horrible nightmare I have finally awoken from.  I guess once I am out of the emotional storm I will have finally woken up...and hope that when it happens I am able to never feel this way again.

Only

"Only"

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why

Things aren't as pretty
On the inside

Days Like This

It is funny how something as simple as the promise of a better day can make you feel uplifted.  That promise that today, we have this moment, and thankfully it will never pass our way again.  We may still experience the emotions of today, but as everything does, it too will fade away.

I long for days where I don't need to worry about someone interrupting me, where my house is always clean, and I don't have to really do much other than pick up after myself.  I long for days where I understand the actions of others, the intentions of their actions, and resolve within myself to move on.  I long for the moments where I can trust, not fearing of an eventual betrayal, or as the lyrics have it below - Judas' kiss. 

When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this
When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this
When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this
When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss
Oh my mama told me there'll be days like this

When you don't need an answer, there'll be days like this
When you don't meet a chancer, there'll be days like this
When all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit
Then I must remember there'll be days like this

When everyone is up front and they're not playing tricks
When you don't have no freeloaders out to get their kicks
When it's nobody's business the way that you wanna live
I just have to remember there'll be days like this

When no one steps on my dreams, there'll be days like this
When people understand what I mean, there'll be days like this
When you ring out the changes of how everything is
Well my mama told me there'll be days like this

Maybe I'm Afraid

Kerrie Roberts - Maybe I'm Afraid
From the album Kerrie Roberts

There's no way I can hide
It's written on my face
All these complications

Maybe I'm afraid
To open up and let You in
Behind the curtain
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the questions
That I know You'd raise
What I thought was certain
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the mess that it's sure to make
And all I tried to simplify and organize
But I just can't deny

That there's no way
I can hide
It's written on my face
And all these complications
Fumblin' with my equations
Now they crumble to the ground
With everything I thought
To be without Your help
Cause if I let You in
I'll never be the same
So I try to escape
Maybe I'm afraid

Maybe I'm afraid
To let it go and just accept
That love has spoken
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the way that I know You'll fix
Everything that's broken
Maybe I'm afraid
'Cause I don't know who You are
But the more I get from You
The more I lose
So what am I holding onto

Afraid I'll be complete
It's just so weak in Your hands
Maybe I'm afraid
Afraid that it won't last
I'll only be half without You

Maybe I'm afraid
To let You change my heart
With all it's hiding
Maybe I'm afraid
That I just might fall apart
Unless You're beside me

Maybe I'm afraid

Mean

"Mean"

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow
but you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean

All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean, yeah yeah
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

My Love by Sia (with Lyrics)

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for release
You gave it all into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us
You came thoughtfully
Loved me faithfully
You taught me honor
You did it for me

Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me, my love
Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home
My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you
You took my hand and added a plan
You gave me your heart
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly
Did what you could release
Ah, ooh
I know you're pleased to go
I won't relieve this love

Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sia-lyrics/my-love-lyrics.html |]

Sia - Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

The Format - Piano Song

So far from me,
stands a man known as disease.
He's checking out the hands of the people that he meets.

And now, you just don't see me anymore.
oh, I've been losing everything.
You just don't see me anymore.
I'll wait for it.

You could be.
I would wait for the chance, would I go?
Would I ever see that?
I know things you say when you, you say everything,
I don't need much, but I know that its not enough.

Oh, and you know its such a drag.
You live your life for a heart attack.
You live the things that you understand.
You don't wanna get, I don't want to know.
I just can't see the way its been.

So go, would you go?
Would you go? Would you ever want to fall?
Would I know? Would I know?
Would I want to make it down?
Would you say, would you say what you never wanna,
don't wanna go,wanna go wanna know just what I--

I come as this one,
you'd forget all the things that you said.
But you don't want to wait for the time.
I was out of line.
I don't want to wait.
Would you stay? Would you ever stay?
yeah.

And don't you know its such a drag?
You live your life for a heart attack.
You live your life for a heart attack.
You're never gonna get this way.
I just can't slip away
any more.
Well, I've been losing everything.
You just don't see me anymore.

In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone

"Time"

Ne-Yo

How come you don't make time for me anymore
That's the last thing she said to you
And now when you call she don't answer anymore
Or the line is busy and you can't get through

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
To someone who takes the time

Her love wasn't a priority to you
You had other things on your mind
And now that it's much to little and so far too late
The busy signals all that's left behind
You're all alone

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
To someone who takes the time

Hey, no one knows what they have until they don't
And by then it doesn't matter anymore
You're all alone

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
And the time it would take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone (she'll be gone)
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
Hang up the phone...

Over and over and over (repeat)

Having one of those days where I just play the same song over...and over...and over...it really serves as no purpose in making my spirits light, or helping me with anything.  Just a song I like, that happens to allow me to wallow in self-pity for whatever ails me at the moment...how could I not listen over and over with lyrics like:

"Baby where's that place where time stands still
I remember like a lover can
But I forget it like a leaver will
It's the first time that you held my hand
It's the smell and the taste and the fear and the thrill
It's everything I understand
And all the things I never will"

It always reminds me of being in high school, just discovering The Eagles, and listening to Wasted Time...I listened to that song so many times in repetition I wondered if my mom would come and break the CD in half. Or the particular song I listened to in college, the same worry that my roommate would come in and break the CD from my subjecting her to endless hours of the same song, over and over and over again...repeat.

To me, though, music is soothing.  It evokes feelings I suppress, and allows me to have that inner dialogue I typically do not allow myself.  It brings me to another place and time, where I can literally smell the air from when I first heard the song, or first remembered liking the song...right now, I am in college, smelling orange blossoms, hearing the very same song I am listening to right now, hearing my roommate tell me the song is perfect for what I am feeling.  I am 18, healing my broken heart, young, innocent, thinking I can do anything in the world, with my whole future in front of me.  Instead, in the present, I am in my 30's, divorced, single parent, wondering if I will ever feel the warmth of someone's hand within mine as we walk through life.  I no longer believe in being able to do anything, because I feel so worn from all the storms within my life.  I no longer think that things will be okay, because I have told myself that for years, and it has only led me to this place where I am now.  My only hope is that what I wish for and what reality hands me somehow mirror each other.  

Such a vast difference from that 18 year old...the only similarity other than it being me is the smell of orange blossoms in the air from my window that is open...Over and over and over...repeat...it is softly telling me, this song, that sometimes we don't understand...and that is how I feel. It's all the things I understand, and all the things I never will...

You don`t know me

You give your hand to me
and then you say hello
And I can hardly speak,
my heart is beating so
And anyone could tell,
you think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
and longs to hold you tight
To you I'm just a friend,
and that's all I've ever been
No, you don't know me

For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
and then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
To never, never know the one who loves you so
No, you don't know me

The Day Before You

This is how I feel right now. That feeling of being blessed to have certain people in my life, moments having been shared that changed my life for the better beyond my wildest imaginings.

When it comes to thinking about the day before anything, it can take your breath away in how much you have changed.  It takes a wise person to realize these things, thank the Lord for their blessings, and continue each day after to be grateful.

Gloria Gaynor had it right all along

It is funny how a song can soothe you when hurting.   Right now, for whatever reason, I am in that type of head space where I feel hurt, ignored, alienated, and just not myself...I have no reason for this feeling to be present.  There was not a dramatic occurrence today, but none-the-less, a general feeling of melancholy is present.  No one has done anything directly to me, or said anything to upset me.  It is just that type of feeling, and it stinks.

Maybe it is just the knowledge that where I am is not where I would like to be.  Maybe it is that I feel like my calls made are purposely being ignored.  Whatever it is, I feel the need to let Gloria Gaynor speak to me.

First come the sounds of a piano playing, sounding vivacious and dramatic...and then the song starts to play...the song that is the anthem for any girl who has been hurt at some point by their significant other...I will survive. 

It is not just the way this song hits you when you feel ignored, or have broken up with someone, it is the method in which it empowers you at a time you feel less than triumphant or strong..."Go on now, go; walk out the door. Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore..."

For every time some yo-yo has broken my heart, this song has been there...that healing process I need to just know I will be okay...the lyrics not only speak volumes to the aching heart, it also speaks to your senses of what you need to do.  That feeling of not knowing how you will continue on with your today, much less what you will do tomorrow is summed up nicely in about 3 minutes.  All those emotions of wondering how you will get through suddenly melt away for a few moments...for a few moments you are no longer wallowing in the doubt of who you are, what happened, or why things went the way they went.  You are strong again, feeling like the decision (regardless of who made the decision) to move on will be what is needed, and hopefully you are not revisited by the ghost of this boyfriend past.

Hopefully this feeling will pass, and I will be back to normal.  Hopefully intuition is nothing more than insecurity.  Hopefully I will feel better by this afternoon.  But whatever it is, and whatever happens, I will survive, thanks to Ms. Gaynor and her voice...

I will survive

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on

and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

The Words I Would Say - Sidewalk Prophets [lyrics]

Three in the morning, and I’m still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I’d say
If we were face to face
I’d tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are

I know cause I’ve already been there
So please hear these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re going to do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would

Say… from one simple life to another
I will say… come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here

Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

Everything by Lifehouse

Have you ever listened to a song, and felt the words so deeply, or the meaning behind the words so moving they may have been writing about you? That moment of clarity in listening and understanding an emotion, desire, feeling, or circumstance?

I am so vested in my regular daily routines, I sometimes forget to sit and have quiet time. That quiet time where I reflect on my thankfulness for all I have, the days events, or prayers to the Lord offering thanks and sharing my desires is a rarity for me. Usually this time comes between dropping off kids and I am driving to work, or going to pick them up in the afternoons after work. While I enjoy the times I spend with them, it is nice to have a 5 minute breather for myself at times.

Things have been so busy lately that I have come short on this. I have failed to be thankful, failed to be compassionate, failed to give thanks, and talk to the Lord regarding the desires of my heart. Psalms 37:4 tells me to "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." Yet, I fail to do this on such a regular basis that my time feels rushed in attempts to offer my thanks.

Yesterday, I was sitting at work going through my duties. I was listening to music, and the song Everything came on. This song touched me in so many ways. I have not felt peace recently. I have been so caught up in keeping my head above water I have failed to reach my hand out for support. I sat and just listened, attempted to be still long enough to embrace the love I have in my life, the goodness I have been given, the amazing life I am able to live. I am not climbing mountains, not curing cancer, not creating world peace - but the life I have is amazing by those within my life, by the grace offered me on an everyday basis. How could I not be absolutely stand in awe of what I have, and what I have been given. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to wake up daily for.

Everything

by Lighthouse

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Where Time Stands Still

Oh, the silly thoughts of a girl. The curiosity and fear that goes into the time and effort she may put forth within a relationship. Curiosity of where this may lead, and the fear of what if it goes wrong. For me, it always seems my curiosity and fear run rampant together. I attempt to love without ceasing, but this may also be seen as neediness to some. It is not neediness, just my attempt to show the other person how important they are. And in this world we live in now, that is not always a welcome sign. Because while I may have curiosity and fear, so does the other person. Fear of how much they may need to give, or fear of being hurt themselves, I am not sure.

In relationships, when they end, it can seem to be as good as everything familiar exiting from your life. Where once you would tell this person everything, suddenly you may not have anyone to share things with. Where once you knew the person would call at a certain time every day, suddenly the clock seems against you. Little moments you would share will no longer be shared, and even the sounds that the person made, those little funny sayings, words, phrases, are gone. All that remains is an image captured during a happier moment, resting comfortably inside a frame that you wonder when you can take down without having your heart break.

Baby where's that place where time stands still
I remember like a lover can
But I forget it like a leaver will
It's no place you can get to by yourself
You've got to love someone and they love you
Time will stop for nothing else
And memory plays tricks on us, the more we cling,
The less we trust
And the less we trust the more we hurt
And as time goes on it just gets worse
So baby where's that place where time stood still
It is under glass inside a frame
Was it over when you had your fill

And here we are with nothing but
But this emptiness inside of us
Your smile a fitting, final gesture
Wish I could have loved you better

Baby where's that place where time stands still
I remember like a lover can
But I forget it like a leaver will
It's the first time that you held my had
It's the smell and the taste and the fear and the thrill
It's everything I understand
And all the things I never will

- Mary-Chapin Carpenter

Where Time Stands Still Lyrics / Music

Angels Unaware

Within the trilogy of songs from Michael W. Smith, this song is the last. After feeling my emotions so raw, feeling I would be revealed to the world in "Breathe in me," this song renewed my strength the day I fell apart, as described in a previous post. This song, while completely different, echos everything I needed on that particular day, and every day since.

My life has been a battle of pros and cons. Who's life is not the same way? None of us have the picture perfect life every day. Within the pros and cons, I am blessed enough to say I have had angels within my life. The people within my life have been instrumental in where I am now. And while some have been short-lived friendships, they have all taught me something. For this reason, they are all a blessing. I have been fortunate to have prayers answered in such amazing methods. I have been fortunate to have things come together when I had the inability to make ends meet on my own.

Days before I broke down in Macy's, I said a prayer. It was the Tuesday after Mother's Day, 2004. I woke up, mid panic attack, as was the usual circumstance for that time in my life. Along with the panic of a bad marriage, I was suffering other ailments. I was months away from health insurance at work. Unfortunately, in the weeks before I had suffered from my molars abscessing on both sides of my mouth for a grand total of 4 times (2 times on each side). During the abscessing my face would swell to the size of a scary character you would see in a Disney character. The pain was so bad I could not sleep, and would thrash in pain. I was concerned about my need for new contacts, and how I was going to pay for them. I had been reading this book about gratefulness, and thankfulness at the time, and as I was getting ready for work, and feeling overwhelmed, that book and what it was saying came into focus.

I immediately started praying. I prayed for a couple who were about to get married. I prayed for my children, and for those in my life. I prayed to have a good day at work, and to sell something - anything - 2 days after Mother's Day in a cosmetic / fragrance department. I also prayed that someone, anyone, would want to open a Macy's credit card, and prayed that the person opening the card would not have money issues due to my request. I prayed my teeth would not cause me any issues until my health insurance started. I prayed my contacts would last until my health insurance started. I prayed I would just have a good day.

Most of what I prayed for was out of my control. I could not control if someone purchased something, or opened a darn credit card. I could not control if my teeth decided to abscess again, or if my eyes decided they could not handle the contacts I was using. All out of my control, and I knew this.

When I got to work that morning, and as the store opened, a friend of mine who worked at the eye doctor next to Macy's came into our store. My counter was the first counter you would arrive at when entering the first floor entrance, and due to the close proximity of our stores, we had developed a friendship. When she walked in, she came to me and asked "We have some sample contacts in your prescription. Do you need contacts?" Are you kidding me? I was so grateful for her thinking of me, and having the courage to ask me the question. I gladly accepted the contacts that helped me for another 9 months.

Throughout the day, I was amazed at my friend's kindness. And in my thanking God, I began to see other tangible moments of my prayer being answered. By the end of the day I sold over $1,000 in my department - an unheard of amount for the location where I worked, and for the time of year it was. I opened 4 cards that day, and walked away knowing that the Lord was there, helping me. None of the items that day were ever returned to dock my commission later on. My teeth had not been bothering me, either.

Two weeks later, when all was said and done; my contacts were great, and my good day selling items and opening cards was over, the Bishop of my church came in unexpectedly. I had not been going to church due to working most Sundays. I had only met the man 2 other times. It was a shock for him to come into my work only due to not even realizing he knew where I worked. In fact, I hadn't really even shared much about my life with him. He didn't know my marriage was falling apart, or that I was days away from leaving my husband. He didn't know that literally days before he came in I was crumpled on the floor crying to the songs I am writing about.

"Ruthe, I was driving on the freeway. I was headed home, but was so compelled to pull off on Alma School. The Lord told me I needed to check about how your teeth are doing? Are you having issues with your teeth?"

What do you come back with on this question? "Uh, no. Things are good" out of shame or "Yes, I have been in extreme pain but it hasn't been bad in the past few days"? I let him know what was going on, and how painful it had been, but that my insurance was ready to start in a month, and I would be able to have things looked at then.

"Ruthe, I want you to go to my dentist. I am calling him now, and you will have an appointment tomorrow. Don't worry about the cost, I will take care of that for you."

True to his word, the very next day I had my teeth fixed. True to his word, I didn't have to pay for this at a time I didn't have extra money.

And as I was finished, and rehashing the prayer, rehashing the moments that had passed and the amazing things that had happened, I once again felt that spiritual embrace surround me. My angels unaware were sent directly to me for a reason, for a purpose. Since this time I have believed if I ask for something that I need, something that I am unable to do on my own, the Lord will always provide for me, and always provide an angel by my side to help me stand and walk when I feel I cannot go any further.

Maybe there's a light in my soul
Maybe it flickers like a neon sign
Outside an abandoned hotel
Maybe there are things you just can't know
But can you say there are no mysteries
In the house you choose to dwell
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Maybe there's a place where we will fly
But some say God is dead like Nietzsche said
And faith has made me a fool
But maybe there is more than meets the eye
Who's that stranger there beside you?
Don't be smug and don't be cruel
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Battles of the heart and of the mind
We stay caught in mental purgatory
'Til our existence can be defined
Meanwhile on the shores of parallel
There may be a hold conference held
Somewhere
Discussing all mankind

Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware