New Direction

I have decided to close this blog site.  Should you have any questions, or wish to reach me, I have provided information below.

Twitter:    @ruthelane
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Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Think back to those awkward moments in junior high...the bad hair days, bad clothes days...days you were unsure of yourself, or what you wanted, much less how you felt about the outside world.  In some ways, you lived in a bubble, and in others you felt very small in a universe so large.  Those moments where you wondered if someone liked you, wondered if they were going to ask you to dance in the gymnasium of your school beneath the dim lights and bright sunlight filtering in through the opened doors.  The bad punch drinks, even worse dancing, and complete fear he would ask you to dance met with the complete fear he would not.

Every time I hear this song, I think back to those days.  Those wonderful days were I wanted to grow up so badly, but didn't know if growing up was actually good.  That time in my life when I suddenly had a chest that required a bra, taller than most the boys, permed hair, big earrings, and even bigger hair.  I was aware of so many things, yet unaware of even more.  I was young, naive, and full of hope.  At times I still thought my parents could solve all of the world's problems, but had started to realize they actually had feelings, needs, and desires past the home we had and my brothers and I.  In so many ways, that time was like a rose, full of fragrant petals, and also full of thorns.

We both lie silently still
in the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to her favourite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say love's a game of easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here right now
If I could let you know somehow
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn
Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar will remain

I know I could saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

and now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Dear Ex -

Dear Ex,

Since you are reading this, it only means we are no longer together.  How long is really irrelevant, I suppose.  In the grand scheme of life you will always be an ex, so time has no meaning.

I would like to first thank you for all the wonderful moments we shared.  I still cherish the talks we had, the way you would brighten my day with a random call during the day, or a text message.  In thinking back on our relationship, this is a fond point of reference.  I enjoyed our times we spent together as well.  There are memories that come to me based on a certain calendar date when I think, "On this date in the past, I was enjoying sushi, " or "On this date in the past, I was (fill in the blank with some place we went to), and had such a great time."  I haven't forgotten the way our first kiss felt, haven't forgotten the way you smelled as we walked out the door to go some place, the way you would look at me.  No, those images are forever within my heart.  I enjoyed getting to know you family, spending time with them.  I never put on a show to make me seem the better person, or attempt to have them like me.  I was genuine with them in who I was, and what you were able to see in me hopefully radiated to them as well.  I remember all the moments when I did something new, stepped outside my box and tried something I didn't know I would appreciate or like.  I remember how it felt to have your embrace, how it felt to lie next to you, and how it felt to hear you say my name in the random ways you did.  The nicknames were something I miss when I think of you now.  All the times we made travel arrangements to see one another, the feeling of anticipation to have you near me, the moments I hopefully surprised you with a card, or said the right thing hopefully are still available in your mind to remember as well.

I appreciated most everything, tried to not take anything for granted because I knew it could all be gone the next morning - that is just how relationships sometimes work. 

I still struggle with the pain at times, but am moving forward.  This is not a new concept; each time a heart is broken it takes time to heal.  Each day I feel myself becoming stronger.  Gone are the days I would drive home from work, taking a few moments to allow the pain to surface and cry my way home.  I feel fortunate to have allowed myself that time to feel.  I no longer look at the clock and wonder what you are doing.  I no longer see a time and translate it to the past, and some random time we would talk during the day.  And while, in a brief moment of relapse I may do this, I quickly remember the 'we' is now just a 'you' and 'me', no longer a coupling but a separate thought process.  In all honesty, both our actions have left scars to which are healing, and may one day be good as new.  Time will only tell on that.

It wasn't the fact we are no longer together that hurt.  That I can deal with if needed.  I can deal with loss, mourn for the moments we spent together, and learn a new pattern or routine to my day.  No, it was the method in which I felt let down.  I guess I expected more from you than what I received.  In the end, my hurt was more due to disappointment and the feeling of general betrayal.  I expected more honesty from you.  I expected or wanted you to look at me, tell me the truth, and let me figure out my own reactions based on that truth rather than the handful of lies or omissions I received.  It is hard to determine concrete options for how to proceed when you are not given the facts needed.  I am sure this was in an attempt to not hurt me; for that I cannot blame you. But in requesting nothing more than honesty I expected to receive just that...honesty.

It is difficult to talk to you.  Difficult to know what to say.  At this point I feel when we have talked it only led to more misunderstanding than clarity of emotion or state of being.  Part of me still longs for your honesty; the other part of me knows I will never receive this.  That lack of honesty, however, led me to feel that I was not good enough to just be leveled with.  I wasn't important enough to you to set clear what was going on.  I wasn't important enough for you to listen to when needing to express my own thoughts.  The environment in which we talk doesn't feel safe.  I don't feel safe in sharing my thoughts any longer; you will always have some type of defensive thought process to back up your own actions.  That is human nature. I accept this begrudgingly.

Thank you for showing me a different side of myself I had never seen before.  Thank you for being there while I discovered new and completely foreign things.  For that, I will always be grateful.  While the ending was horrible, and not what I had wanted, the journey was something I will never forget.  I may never be that person I was with you for anyone else, but for a brief moment I felt I could conquer almost anything as long as I had your support.  Thank you for all the times we spent, small minutes or long hours together.  And while I miss you sometimes, I am learning day by day how to proceed without you.  How to live my life in some alternate universe where we are not together.

I have started to see someone new who is bringing another type of energy to my world.  An energy I am at times mesmerized by.  He makes me smile; something I was afraid would not happen again.  The hands of time will only determine if this is something long term, but at this moment I feel that strong desire to be around him, that electricity when he walks into the room.  I have started to see the world again for it's beauty; started to view the simple seconds of my day with a new retrospect and sense of wonder that I had before you entered.  Thanks to the moments we shared, these wonderments are even more appreciated.  I have started to laugh again, started to remember what it felt like to feel the warmth of sun on my skin that only happens when feeling happy. 

I wish you well in all of your life.  I hope the world only brings you happiness, success, and joy.  I pray you are able to find a sense of peace within your world, discover whatever it is you didn't feel with me in someone new.  I pray you are honest with her, allow her the room to grow, and not run away at the first instance of growing feelings.  I want for you to fall in love with someone who understands you, supports you, wants to be with you in all the ways I felt for you.  I hope you do not grow old alone.  No one should have to face this life alone, even if they proclaim that is okay with them.

Life is not waiting - and I am finally on board

Tempe Town Lake
Tempe,

Each day on my lunch, I wonder where life will take me.  Not in some metaphorical dreamy state of mind way, but literally, where I will end up.  At lunch, I have started to take my own private adventures.  Moments to myself where I go out, discover something new, and more often than not - take pictures of my adventures

Bischoff's
Scottsdale, AZ

This has always been within my nature; that desire to take pictures.  I remember a day trip I took with my ex-boyfriend John in which I took over 200 pictures in the span of 2 hours...I went through all his available memory on the SD card quicker than he could say "Boo!"  But lately, I have been seeing the world around me from a different perspective.  It isn't so much that I am taking pictures of what surrounds me; it is that I am taking an affirmative action to not forget what is around.  I want to save that moment for all time.  My world around me lately has felt much like I am moving on a fast express train toward the unknown, and that has left me feeling a bit weary.  In the past 6 months I have gone through such tremendous change that I feel the need to hold on, ever so slightly, to moments that have touched me.  The pain I have felt from a broken heart has led me to view everything in a different shadow and light.  It has helped me develop the need to show where I was, what I am doing, what the world looks like today verses another 6 months from now, one year, two years, five years from now.

ASU SkySong
Scottsdale,AZ

My lunch adventures have taken me to a town lake and a tour of a new structure with a city official, hard hat included.  They have taken me to places I drive by every day but never stopped to take a look.  I have charged ahead, full steam, with this new desire to show the world what I see.  It hasn't been limited to lunch adventures.  The number of hours spent this summer in downtown Phoenix, at night, dealing with the heat, are too numerous to even mention.  And thanks to my handy cell phone camera, I have a new longing for a better camera - something that will allow me to capture the moment in a crisper light. 

Most of the pictures are posted onto various social media sites for others to enjoy; I welcome an objective eye to observe and offer helpful tips.  And for now, along with my love of family, friends, God, and baseball, this has become another passion I am more than willing to entertain in my life.  I am not waiting around any longer, idly standing on the sidelines of my life.  I am documenting where I was, what I did, how I enjoyed discovering a new piece of myself that was once unknown.

My view of the world through the lens of a camera

Downtown Phoenix from Steele Indian Park, 7/4/2011

 Downtown Tempe from Tempe Town Lake, 8/9/2011

New walking bridge for Tempe Town Lake 8/9/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Hanny's in downtown Phoenix, 8/12/2011

Finding the ability to be alone

Have you ever met someone who is absolutely unable to be alone?  They need companionship to go to lunch at work, while driving in their car, when running errands.  This simple tasks others may find comfort in solitude from others, these individuals seek the company of others.

In spite of my life being ever consumed by the needs of others, I cherish those brief moments by myself where I can think.  Maybe this is why I prefer a lunch of solitude as opposed to an every day occurrence of lunch with others.  Every once in a while it is nice, but for my day I need that break from intruders or detractors.  So, I find it troubling when I see some who cannot do this more regularly, much less feel the need to bribe others with offering to pay.  In a world where we are always connected in some way, shape, or form, it seems the need to unplug has become irrelevant to some, obsolete to others.

I do not think of this as a character flaw.  There isn't anything wrong with these individuals.  Most times they are not lacking self-esteem, which is what you would typically think.  No, they just enjoy the company of others...all the time...at the expense of being unable to value the time of others.  And maybe, just maybe, therein lies the character flaw; the inability to accept no as an answer.

In my adulthood, I have never really been alone.  I started with a husband and child by the age of 21, second child by the age of  23.  My experience of being alone is not only rare, but virtually non-existent. My time alone consists of the few minutes in the morning before I wake kids up, the few minutes driving to and from work, and the few minutes I am going to sleep.  Forget about personal time while taking a shower, or using the restroom.  Those precious moments, too, are quickly invaded. Yet, my children are getting older.  They need me less in some ways, more in others. As they have become taller in size, so have their needs changed.  Gone are the days I had to worry about spoon feeding them, or diaper changes.  Gone are the days I had to worry about electrical outlets being covered, breakables being out of reach, and toys being strewn all over the house...

Finding the ability to connect with yourself has been a challenge for me.  I have so closely assumed the roles life has offered me.  In taking some time away from everything and everyone else this summer it has been assumed I am upset, or angry with others...no.  I just don't feel like talking to, dealing with, or being associated with the actions some in my life have had to offer more recently.  I needed to take a break from the world and readdress who I am, what I want, where I am going with my life.  I needed to be alone to appreciate the time I spend with others.  I needed that down time to honestly determine what it is that makes me smile, on my own, without the influences of the world.  I needed to rediscover myself.  Yes, I lost some people along this journey of rediscovery.  I understand that was a risk I had to take in order to feel better with my own world, who I am, what I need.  If they were truly a part of my life, they will understand.  If they were only there for the short term, they may not.  But in the end, feeling happy within the confines of my own skin seem much more important than walking the tight rope of life for others. 

I found, in my self-imposed solitude, that I am stronger than I once thought. I found items I was fully aware of, such as my level of sensitivity, to not be a flaw within my life, but an attribute.  I found I do not need to call everyone back right away, answer every call, reply to every text.  I found I love sitting,watching an old movie, without having anything else to bother me.  I found that my level of insight in this world is a benefit I can share with others.  I also found I do not need to show the world my insight, I do not need to allow others into my life and show them the open book to my soul.  I found I love to dance while dusting, sing at the top of my lungs while vacuuming, and enjoy that monotonous chore of doing laundry.  I found a way to accept who I am regardless of the pain I am feeling.  I found some people to only be part of my past, others to only be part of my present, and fully appreciate those who are my future.  I found me.

Those things I will not release

In dating, there are certain items we are all unwilling to part with as we couple up with someone new.  It may be that old sweatshirt you love that she questions why you would want to wear.  It could be the stuffed bear from your childhood that he scratches his head at.  For whatever the reason, we all have these things that define who we are as a person, and for that, we are unwilling to say goodbye to.

As everyone else does, I have these items.  They are not actually items, but people within my life that I am not willing to give up simply because I have someone new in my life.  They are the people who have been with me, thick or thin; the people who would be there for me regardless of the hour, and have outlasted many others in my life.  So, for someone to start a relationship, whether dating or serious, you must realize and accept them.  If not, I will be okay without you in my life; after all, I have managed this long without you, and will be able to carry on regardless.  I may still be learning to be independent, but I will withstand the test of time like an old American flag on the Fourth of July.

My kids
As a single parent, I come with more responsibility, more bodies, and hopefully, more excitement.  I have two children...I cannot erase the fact that they will come first in my life.  If you do not like children, please do not ask me out.  If we are together, and you don't want to date me, don't use my kids as your excuse out of the relationship.

My family
As with my children, I have a rather large extended family.  My ex-husband's family is still my family.  We do things together, love each other, miss each other, and regardless of what is going on, we support each other.  My sisters-in-law are not in-laws at all; they are my sisters.  My brothers-in-law are much more than in-laws; they are some of the best men I have ever met.  My mother-in-law has held my hand when having a hard time, held me when I needed a hug, and wiped away my tears more than I can count.  My father-in-law has encouraged me to strive for excellence and often tries to find a date for me.  They are some of the strongest support beams within my structure of life.

I also have my own parents, three brothers, and sister-in-law.  Our family is sarcastic at times, loving at others, and in the end, we are there for one another.

My ex-boyfriend, John
Similar to the in-laws, John is my family.  Yes, we were together; we are now not together.  He has been there for me in moments of great weakness, great happiness, supports me in my decisions, and helps me with my children in ways that my ex-husband has sometimes been unable to do.  He is always making sure the kids are doing well in school, listening to them, offering advise. 

My friends
I am a girl who was raised the oldest of 4 children.  Those other children were boys.  As a girl, growing up in a house of guys, I learned how to relate better with men. I have more male friends than female friends.  I relate better to them, and trust them more than I do most the females in my life.  I am not flirting with, sleeping with, or attempting to have a relationship with them. I have listened to every dirty detail of their dating lives, seen them through difficult times, and they have been that shoulder to cry on when my own relationships are struggling. I have one guy friend who recently saw me holding my guy's hand; he sent me a text message telling me how strange it was.  He told me he doesn't think of me as a female, and it was weird for him seeing me be so girly since I am his buddy, one of the guys.  I am not willing to change this aspect of myself to suite someone who wants to be with me.

It isn't that I don't have female friends, because I do have a few; my best friends are my sisters-in-law and Stephanie.  But over the years I just found females to be a bit more on the dramatic side than I care to deal with. I really don't want to even get into the methods of backstabbing, gossiping, and competition I have encountered along the way.

These may seem like hard things to overcome.  Really, the sentiment goes both ways with my acceptance of your past, all you have experienced before, and the people who enrich your life.  But in the game of love, or the playing field of liking someone, I would rather be upfront than have you feeling like I deceived you in any way, shape, or form.

Never Grow Up

Today my daughter started her first day of 8th grade. Growing up so quickly, becoming this bright little woman still within the body of a child, it sometimes scares me how quickly the past 13 years have gone by, and the day when she will no longer be sleeping in my house where I can see her daily...

Today, I began to see life in days being counted down to leaving home rather than the days I used to count how old she was..."She is 14 days old," "She is 13 months," "She is 2."  Gone are the days where I can have her sit in the cart as we go to the grocery store, and it has been too long since she was that infant who could not sleep without doing so on my chest, listening to the beat of my heart. 

And for all the moments she has given me grief - the joy she has given me has been so much greater in return.  She wants to grow up so quickly, wants to be as big as she can.  And sometimes I wish she would never grow up at all, but remain that cute little 2 year old who's smile could melt your heart.  Sometimes I wish she could remain that little 5 year old coming home from school, excited about what she has learned.

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

There was a time...

There was a time where all of my world revolved around you.  Where I put forth the biggest of efforts to show how I felt, where I felt this new source of happiness I had not felt.  

I used to believe all the words you uttered, enjoying each syllable as it left your lips and sailed into the air for my ears to hear.  I used to long for your touch, cherished the moments we were together, sacrificed many things to just be near you.  I used to feel this great energy filter through my body when I was near you.  This electric magnetism in which you also agreed was there. I found the method in which we met profound, the ability for us to be together amazing, and the fact we wanted to be with one another encouraging.

I used to trust you, trust in you. I thought there was nothing you could do to hurt me.  I thought you were on my side, we had the same feelings about us, and the desire to a future together.  I saw you as my future, as the opposite of all I had before and all I had ever wanted. I wanted nothing more than to be near you, to share, to grow, to have you say I was yours and the slight worry I would somehow be disappointed if I knew who you really were.  I used to find great comfort in your questions about how I was, what I was thinking, and how I felt.  I thought you could do anything; you were quite simply one of the best things I could have had walk into my life.

I thought the world of you; 

I wanted to be with you, and would have sacrificed much to do that.

But in the end, there was nothing left to want.  There was nothing left to trust, and words that were once a source of comfort became bullets taking aim at my heart.  Where once there was great care with me, you left me feeling shattered on the side of the road.  I felt cast away, I felt lost, and I felt hurt. 

To know now all I do, I am not sure I would repeat the past.  I am not sure I would want to feel like a rag doll, overlooked by something newer.  I am not sure I would want to be toyed with, I am not sure I would want to ruin this image of who I thought you were verses who you turned out to be.  It is not that you are a terrible person; you were just not as kind to me as you could have been.  I loved that feeling of breaking out of the caterpillar cocoon into a butterfly state.  But the problem with that is butterflies have very limited time to fly among the birds before their wings wear out, and they must find safety at the end of their journey. 

The past vs. the present

That subtle difference between the present and the past is the ability and desire to move forward, step by step, breath by breath.  It isn't a quick movement, or something that happens over night.  Rather, it is a process of learning and re-learning how to sit up, crawl, walk, then finally run toward a future.  A future that involves a new approach to living, a new method of doing something, and at all costs not turning around and reliving or returning to what was.

I am learning how to live a life that involves simple joys, good friends, great family, and above all - happiness.  Too many times I have allowed myself to follow in the footsteps of my past.  Too many times I have simply allowed my heart to suffer at the cost of appearing things are okay.  Too many times I have sacrificed what I feel to be true, right, just, and good for what someone else has offered.  The actions of others that have been devastating to me where I simply kept quiet, only later to hear I am at some level to blame for those actions...those days are over.  I am no longer willing to be the victim of opinion.  I am no longer willing to be your door mat in which you call or contact me when you feel it of importance.  I am no longer willing to be the topic of conversations for my private moments I am struggling within for which you believe should be public knowledge.  I am no longer willing to be that caring person toward those who do not share care toward me. 

I am learning how to let go.  This is not easy.  I have never been able to just walk away, leaving everything alone and never returning.  I have never been that person who could be callous toward others, forgetting the smallest of endearing moment.  I have never been that person to say goodbye easily.  But in not letting go I have allowed my heart to become cluttered with items that only create drudgery within my life.  I am only allowing my heart to be that of a prison to the past, where the present has a hard time visiting and the future is on the Do Not Allow Visitation list. 

Funny how one day you wake up and realize you are actually ok, and don't care any longer about certain things...what an amazing feeling to have.  That is when you know you have allowed the past to rest, and you are now living in the present.  You are able to look toward a future, and you welcome this future without all that held you back.  With the past, I am not only going to survive...but THRIVE on life's lessons taught me, and will become stronger beyond my wildest of dreams.  My present is waiting for me to arrive, and I am finally answering the door to allow the good to enter.  

And again...

It is ironic how life works.  One moment I feel very strong in mind, body, and spirit.  I feel I can leap tall buildings, climb the highest mountains, dive to the deepest depths of the sea, and walk on the moon.  I walk outside and feel that familiar warmth of the sun upon my skin and find comfort in this.  I meet new people and do not feel the need to shy away.  I feel happy, carefree, and light as a feather.  And then, this dark numbness that makes me feel like I need to protect myself as much as I can.  All those moments in which I have been hurt rush toward me like rapid waters, and I am left feeling battered on the side of the stream wondering what has happened.


This dark numbness, it is not a welcome feeling.  I do not want this feeling within my heart.  Along with the numbness comes the fear of heights, the fear of falling, the fear of exposure, the fear of being hurt once again.  I am left wondering what I have done to the universe to receive such horrendous treatment, and if this is normal for everyone, or is some horrible karma I created biting me in the ass.  One thing is for sure, had I known I was messing with the universe at large, or karma, I sure as hell wouldn't have continued on the path to self destruction that led me to this dark numbness I am feeling right now.


It is that yin to the yang; the light verses darkness that has me feeling as if I have whiplash.  The protesting I may do is done in quiet, the responses I may have are typically left only as a whisper within the wind. So why is it that the karmic yin/yang and universe are unfolding their hardest hits against me?


Once again I am forced with the decision to keep my head up, not let the attacks upon my heart effect my daily outlook.  Once again I am forced to face unpleasant memories that flood and drown all senses and create the numbness.  Once again it has happened that my day was disrupted and I am forced to just deal with it...again.

LIfe - the Holstee Manifesto

http://shop.holstee.com/collections/all/products/holstee-manifesto-poster

One foot in front of the other

What is it about trusting in someone else that seems to make most of us weak in the knees.  Not the good, head over tails weak in the knees, but that weakness where we must make a conscious decision to allow someone into our lives, share our thoughts with them at the risk of exposure, share intimate moments with them in which we MUST trust them with our hearts.  How do we learn to trust again when we have had trust broken into thousands of pieces by someone else?

It is always so much easier for someone to tell you to move on that it is to follow that same advise.  For those that look at others, shaking their heads, telling their friends how you should just get over it clearly have no idea what attachment you had in the situation you are unable to let go of.  It is easy as an outsider to say "get over that guy" because they have the wonderful and blissful state of second hand feelings.  They do not suffer from the first hand feelings of loving someone, and being let down.  Of loving someone who turned out to crush you from your very core.  Someone who stole your trust, stole your hope, and left you to bleed on the side of the road without support. It is easy for someone who has not sat next to you every moment you broke down sobbing, or refused to go outside into the world for fear you would actually need to participate for that brief moment in time.  It is easy for others to tell you to get over it because they are not in your pain, and are not suffering from the same level of mistrust as you are.  And you should never pay attention to those people.  Their good intentions are just as dangerous as the person who originally broke you into pieces.

In an ever changing world that we live in, this is one thing that does not change - that need to trust someone.  I have trusted others before.  I have trusted friends to not expose my secrets to the world, only to be let down time and time again.  I have trusted men with my heart to not mistreat my heart, only to be let down and devastated in the long run.  Tie the two together, as is the most recent of trust issues, and it adds up to a disaster of heart, soul, and mind.  A loss of innocence, a loss of enchantment with the world that surrounds you.  A loss of what you once believed to be true, a loss of what you once believed to be dear to your heart. A loss of something you would have given everything to protect, to procure, to see flourish.

Once again, I am faced with the question of how to trust.  I am in a new situation where there is no reason to not trust, but fear always beckons at the doorstep of my heart, knocking and wanting entryway into the deepest sectors of my emotions. It is not fair to automatically assume I will have my trust treated so carelessly as in the past.  Yet, I am so afraid to share how I feel with the world for fear it will once again occur.  After the last time with the roller coaster of emotions, the lies, the misguided thoughts, it seems I am a bit more like a deer caught in the headlights, unwilling to share this new-found happiness I am feeling with others.  I am fearful my feelings will be exploited, that it will be made out as a mockery it has before, in that last attempt to find and procure happiness.  At this point, the person this directly concerns is not even the issue for concern.  It is all those in the past who have shown their true colors as very vividly untruthful, untrustworthy, and unfriendly to my heart that seem to be playing havoc and mind tricks on me now.

I am not sure how to express this new found happiness with the world, and so until then I must enjoy the peace of what I have.  I must try on a daily basis to learn to trust in this new feeling, knowing it is with someone new who may not hurt me as I have been hurt in the past.  I must remember on a minute by minute basis that what I am being told is the truth instead of another way to encase me into a neat little box waiting for when the other would once again be ready for me.  I must remember that, as in all things, there is a purpose to the previous pain.  There is a reason for the hurt, and a reason to have finally found my way out of the darkness I have been suffering with for the past few months.  There is a reason for all of this, if nothing else but to bring me to this moment where I have more clarity to forgive, more ability to forget, and more desire to put one foot in front of the other to move forward.

Learning how to move on

The past few months have been a blur.  It feels the moment I started to feel okay with life, I was reminded of all I had lost.  Good, bad, or indifferent, I am not one that deals with loss well.  This I know, am not afraid to admit to.  After all, admitting this is half the issue, right?

I spent months feeling there was something wrong with me. If only I had done something differently, if only I lived in a different location, if only one million small trivial items had been different, I would not be standing where I was.  And where I was standing felt like nothing short of a tsunami within my heart.  And after that tsunami - the aftermath and pickup process of the refuge who has lost almost everything, living the life in shadows of a past that will never happen again.

It is hard to say what makes or creates those feelings within a heart that once held so much hope and promise.  It is hard to know how to learn to live life in ways that, for one reason or another, are not as you dreamed of.  All that I felt was this tremendous weight of sadness.  Sadness for something that truly did not deserve the attention my heart, soul, and mind were allowing it to have.

Much like that first moment you open your eyes after an unrestful sleep, I feel I have awoken.  FINALLY.  I feel as if I have hope again for the first time since March.  I have the sense that life will be okay.  I have stopped caring where you are, what you are doing.  It does not matter because you don't want to be with me any longer.  I finally feel I am walking in life rather than watching it pass by, I feel I am no longer a tourist in the valley of my heart, I am no longer a visitor.  I no longer feel I am standing at the door, waiting to go inside some illusionary room within my life.  I am no longer waiting for clarity from you; no longer waiting for an explanation I feel I deserve, or the apology you owe for all the hurt caused.  No longer do I feel I need to apologize for my reactions to the pain.  It is what it is, and I am learning how to move on.

Sparks Fly

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm
And I'm a house of cards
You're the kind of reckless that should send me running
But I kinda know that I won't get far

And you stood there in front of me
Just close enough to touch
Close enough to hope you couldn't see
What I was thinking of

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
Cause' I see sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea
You touch me once and it's really something
You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be
I'm on my guard for the rest of the world
But with you I know it's no good
And I could wait patiently but I really wish you would

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

I run my fingers through your hair
And watch the lights go wild
Just keep on keeping your eyes on me
It's just strong enough to make it feel right
And lead me up the staircase
Won't you whisper soft and slow
I'm captivated by you baby
Like a fireworks show

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

'Cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile
Sparks fly, baby smile, sparks fly

I care

I told you how your hurt me, baby
But you don't care
Now I'm crying and deserted, baby
But you don't care
Ain't nobody tell this is love
But you're immune to all my pain
I need you to tell me this is love
You don't care if that's okay

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

Ever since you knew your power
You made my cry
And now every time our love goes sour
You won't sympathize
You see these tears falling down to my ears
I swear you like when I'm in pain

I try to tell you all my fears
You still don't care? That's okay

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

Boy, maybe if you care enough
I wouldn't have to care so much
What happened to our trust?
Now you just given up
You used to be so in love
Now you don't care no more

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

What if...

Jazia Pratt, 8, fills a bucket with water from a fire hydrant in the afternoon summer heat Monday, July 18, 2011, in Philadelphia.
  (AP Photo/Matt Rourke)

The joys of being a child.  The wonderment of the world that seems to be lost the taller we grow, and the higher our age may be.  The unquenchable sense of possibility, that anything is attainable.  That is, of course, until you suddenly realize the world is not what you thought, and maybe the fairy tales we are read are not actually going to happen. I can think back to a time where I had that ability to see through walls, or so I thought.  If something didn't work, you could fix it.  If you couldn't fix it yourself, you would ask Mom or Dad to look at it.  Chances were, by nightfall the world would be settling for slumber and all was right again with whatever needed fixed. 

At what point did we lose this quality of life we so closely held when we were young? At what point did we look at the world, and wonder why rather than why not? When did we realize that falling was painful, and failure seemed like another action for falling?

My friend Niki has a quote as part of her email signature that reads "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"  Each time I receive an email from her, I read this, and ponder all the what if's.  And in reading this quote several times over the past few months, I came to the realization that falling down is the same as failure to me.  I do anything I can to avoid falling.  I am careful where I walk to avoid falling in front of others. I wear shoes appropriate for my job to avoid slipping on the concrete epoxy floors.  Gone are the days I would wear heels to work due to this; instead I have opted for more sensible flats or tennis shoes to ensure I am upright at all times.  Most recently, and most difficult of all, I have avoided falling in like, much less in love, with someone due to the pain of failure.  I have protected my heart as I have protected myself from a physical fall.  I simply avoid the fall at any cost.

What if there was no fear of failure.  What if I was aware of what the future had to offer.  Would I sit back, allow events to unfold as they should, knowing I would be okay, or I would get hurt? Would I allow myself to feel the world is a beautiful place if I knew this time it was going to last, or this time things will work out, regardless of whatever "this time" was revolved around?  Would I allow myself to walk into the face of apparent danger due to understanding in the end I would be okay?

I miss that free spirit of being a child.  I miss that feeling of laughing uncontrollably at something silly.  I miss that view of the world where anything was possible, and I could be anyone I wanted.  While I certainly do not feel I am a failure in my own life, there are many things I would like to repeat to correct my mistakes, moments I would like to avoid, and situations I would love to repeat due to the joy it brought me.  I would love to roam around the world, blissfully and gracefully unaware of any wrong that may come to me.  But in the end, the pain I have gone through has lead me to other journeys I may otherwise avoided.  As adults, we have not lost that joy of being a child, we simply forgot how to celebrate the smallest of moments and embrace the world with open arms.

Perspective

Perspective.  It is all in how you see things, how you view the world around you.  Perspective comes from experience, from moments in your life that either break you or make you stronger.  It comes from the observations that, to an outsider, seem the smallest of detail.  Or it could be quite the opposite; a life-altering experience that rocks the foundation upon which you stand.

The best way to simulate or understand perspective is to view the world from a higher level.  Sitting in an airplane where you see large cities suddenly dwarfed, the ailments of traffic and problems seem distant, and you are reminded just how insignificant some of life's biggest worries truly are.  Looking down, you become amazed at the intricate design of the world - the fields so neatly aligned into perfect squares, the web of roads with the dimmest of lights from cars, the interesting planning of housing communities.  The view of land you would normally never see with mountains, rivers, lakes, all there for you to appreciate in a moment you may never have again.  Perspective suddenly takes form into realizing and analyzing where you are in the skies above verses where that land is beneath you, and what you can see when so far removed from the daily struggles you may face.

In life, we are prone to be unable to fully understand or grasp perspective.  Perspective, like hind sight, is 20/20.  You only recognize this wonderment, this true expanse of your world after going through what feels like trial after trial. Perspective is that small instant that we see all for what it is, regardless of emotion.  We are finally out of the fog, and into the light.  We are able to see things as they are rather than what we would like, or what we would hope.

365 Days

It is amazing the events that can unfold within the span of 365 days.  Seasons change, people are both entering the world into new lives and exiting the world when their time expires.  Jobs may change, locations of where you may live, friends you were once close with are now distant, and new friends come into your life and help you move forward.  Interests, desires, challenges, and dreams may all be vastly different within this time frame, each moment we experience shaping our thoughts.

If you were to ask me 365 days ago where I thought I would be today, my answer would not have been anything close to where I actually am.  Ignorance is sometimes bliss, but experience can sometimes bring more tears than you expected.  I was excited about the future, excited to see where the road was taking me, and willing to try a path I had not taken before.  I was open to different ideas, open to different experiences.  I was able to feel daring, feel spontaneous. I felt I was given a new chance at something great, and I was not going to let it pass me by.

Little did I know that regardless of my personal attempts, the 364 days that would follow be filled with absolute joy coupled with and followed by feeling I failed myself and those around me.  Feeling I was special, I was important, I was cared about quickly turned to feelings that I must be damaged; somehow there is something lacking within me to be where I am again.

So here is to you, 365.  I wish you brought more smiles to my face, than tears that escape from my eyes.  I wish you brought more moments to be shared instead of rehashing and remembering moments that occurred.  I wish the next 365 are better than the past few months have offered.

Marilyn and Baseball

M. Monroe & Angles outfielder Albie Pearson run onto the field at Chavez Ravine. June 1, 1962

It is no secret, my affection for Marilyn Monroe.  As young as 5th grade I started this affection.  I am not sure how or why it began, I only know it has not been a passing interest, but a lifelong passion.  Since I was a kid I have been collecting odds and ends of Marilyn items. The last house I lived in had a room dedicated to framed Marilyn images; Christmas ornaments, Marilyn Monroe wines, postage - I have it.

I am also very passionate about baseball.  This is a newer passion, I will admit.  I was always "that" girl - the one who was not interested in sports, and if I was it was usually basketball.  But that sport left a sour taste in my mouth, and we broke up.  Once we broke up, I started this beautiful relationship with baseball that has been frustrating, exciting, disappointing, exhilarating, and overall amazing.

Each day, I celebrate my Angels' 50th Anniversary with creating a collage of pictures based on events from that day, or the players who shaped the daily events.  While I love the sport, I am bad with remembering statistics, or events that happened that others may remember unless, of course, I saw them unravel before my eyes.  For me, it isn't about statistics, or who did what.  I agree, they are of great importance to the sport, but it isn't why I follow the teams I follow.  I follow them for the ability to enjoy watching a good game, feeling relaxed and enjoying a day with my family.  Each day I rummage through the Internet looking for images that are not only iconic, but also show current and former Angels players from all different time periods in an amazing light for their ability.  I have been able to learn more about this team, events that shaped an organization, and the men who helped shape it, from the Cowboy himself, Gene Autrey, all the way down to Mickey Mouse.

The image above is of Marilyn Monroe and Albie Pearson, an Angels player.  The image combines two of my loves.  The only thing missing would be my family.  In researching the image, though, I found some interesting information.  Not only is this image of Ms. Monroe, it is also an image of her last public appearance before she died in 1962. Strangely enough, this was also her 36th birthday.

"Albie Pearson, an outfielder with the Angels during their first six seasons, threw out a ceremonial first pitch. Pearson’s most memorable “photo op” had to be on June 1, 1962, when he and Marilyn Monroe stood at home plate together before an Angels-Yankees game to make a plea to fans for donations to the Muscular Dystrophy fund." (http://natpo.st/ifR1Cn)

Marilyn would be found at her home just a few months later, on August 5, 1962, dead, at the age of 36. Forty-nine years have passed since this moment; forty-nine years in which the world has changed so drastically it would be unrecognizable to her today.

She looks beautiful in her dress suite, her hat, heels.  Hair, perfectly coiffed, smiling from ear to ear.  The woman in this image looks happy, looks healthy, someone who has the world at her feet, just waiting to take it over. For all the conspiracy theories there are in the world, disputes about murder verses suicide, who she knew, and what she knew, the image says it all.  This is an moment of happiness caught within a lens, and shared for the world to see.  Albie looks happy to be escorting her as his head is tucked down, his joy not only captured but still felt today when you see his smile. What an amazing moment to still witness through the photograph.

It's a beautiful day

There are moments that truly define someone in many different ways.  Moments we are forever changed professionally, personally, spiritually...moments that alter how we view the world, and how the world views us.  In a world filled with each person experiencing their own miracles, pains, joys, and sorrows, there are unlimited possibilities for a beautiful day.

The ironic point, however, is that we all choose to focus on the hurdles rather than the possibilities.  We see that hurdle as a way of holding us back instead of a challenge waiting to be conquered.  Our minds immediately analyze the risks involved, the difficulties in what we may know verses what we are completely blinded by.  And to this, I fall short of seeing possibilities time and time again.  I seem to understand the hurdles, know how I may be able to overtake them, but don't have the strength or ability some days to want to accept them.  Sometimes it is easier to back away, go a different route, and hope for the best.

For most of my adult life, I have had to remain the strong person.  I have had to face challenges as if they were welcomed, smiling politely as I struggle to do what needs to be done.  I am no different from any other person, each facing our own difficulties in life.  I am not unique in this world when a struggle presents itself.  I am seen in two different lights; someone others may see as incredibly strong, having overcome many said challenges and obstacles to be where I am, while those who have heard my heart being vocalized in a rare moment of weakness, I am also someone who is seen as easily breakable.  There are no in-betweens, it appears.

Each day, I am faced with the decision to get out of bed.  Most mornings I willingly accept the decision to place both feet on the ground, start my day, and proclaim it to be beautiful.  Regardless of what may happen, I am making today a beautiful day.  But those mornings where I would rather hide from the world, agree that while it may have potential in being a beautiful day, I would prefer to remain within the safety of my own home.  It isn't that I dread the day, or what it may entail.  I enjoy my job, I enjoy most of the co-workers I see.  I don't necessarily have a horrible environment to walk into each day.  It is only that there are some days that seem overwhelming from the moment the alarm clock wakes me up, until I verify it is set before drifting asleep once again.  There are some days I don't feel like being strong; I am weary of being the single parent who must think of two others before making any decisions.  I am weary of having the responsibilities my life offers, weary of putting on the brave face I have had to wear for several months now while inside I feel something has truly vanished. 

I have become weak in fear of being weak.  Ironic how the fear of what we may become actually influences what we do become in the long run.  I want to have that feeling of waking up, feeling my purpose.  I want to wake up to feel I have something to offer the world.  I want to fall in love with someone who doesn't leave.  I want my children to be happy, to know they can accomplish anything.  I want to say "It's a beautiful day because I have all I need within my life at this very moment."  In attempting this, I am going to start looking at what it is that truly makes me happy, and what it is that is hurting me the most.  Logging this to not forget, I hope that a week from now, a month and a year from now I will look back and see someone who, once afraid of her own shadow, has walked toward the light of happiness and actually found it.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden wrote this poem that sums my current feelings about where I am, what I am doing. It was featured in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral, during a scene in which a character has died, and the friends have gathered for the funeral.

When I watched this movie years ago I searched for a book containing this poem. I was so moved by how these words, simple enough, could evoke so much pain, so much mourning, so much of everything you always want to say, but don't have time to say it when your heart is broken.

It is amazing how words can mean so much to so many, and yet mean so little to others. It strikes me odd to have someone leave my life, never to return, and never to hear their voice, to smell their scent, or to be near their warmth. In losing someone close to you, you realize all the wonderful things about that person, and also all the frustrations that person may have caused. The only difference between when they were close, and now that they are away? You find yourself missing the little moments of cooking dinner together, going to the grocery store, driving to a chosen destination, seeing each other after time apart; even the frustration they may have created.

You miss this because you miss them...all of them...not just parts, or moments, or portions. There is no separation of pieces of them; parts you liked or could have done without. There is only the whole of them that is missed. Whether this be through breakup or through death, you would do anything to spend one last joyful moment with them, one last breath in their presence, one last anything to make you feel the way you had felt once upon a time, in a world of "when".

In many ways, the lose of a relationship is similar to death.  The only difference is the off-chance you may run into them, hear from them at moments that may be less than convenient for the healing your heart must do.  I have been unfortunate enough to feel the effects of both, understand how each brings such a unique tear in your heart; your life forever altered by this tear.  

This is how I feel. I miss everything. I miss the scent of his neck as we would hug, I miss the sound of his voice sounding excited, I miss his eyes smiling at me, I miss his body sitting next to mine...I miss him. So, the poem is for you, sweet lad who broke my heart. The poem that represents how I feel today...and how I may feel for a while. One day I hope to be on a different path, something other than desiring to just be in the same room with you,something other than being in love with a person who no longer shares my world, my thoughts, my life, and my heart.

20100611

Not Over You

"Not Over You"

Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful - face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood - and I realize

[Chorus]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm - not over you (not over you)

Damn, damn girl you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you

[Chorus]

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...

"How r u doin?"

It is funny how, in the midst of an emotional storm, we welcome the tiniest of distractions.  And, as long as this distraction does not in some way remind of the emotional storm, you are able to continue on the path to healing.  But it is a very thin line drawn in the sands of your heart should your heart be unable to distinguish between the pain of your storm, and the the ability to move on.  That thin line can place you right back at square one, back in the turmoil and upheaval that is overwhelming.  

I do not like square one.  If it could be removed, life would be so much easier.  All the progress one can make is instantly removed when crossing that line...and this is where I am right now.  Right back at square one.  That place where all the memories are again fresh in my mind, and my dreams are being held captive by these memories.  My desires are locked away, tightly under lock and key, and my pain is closer to the surface than it was a few days ago.  

What am I supposed to say when asked how I am doing? "I am hurting, trying to keep it together at work, but crying myself home in my car.  This whole situation has screwed me up so much that I am not sure how to trust another human, much less believe you actually give a damn as you ask me. I was doing great until you came in and swept me off my feet as you threw me off the cliff of emotions. Why was I not good enough? Why was it that I gave you my heart, and you took advantage of it?" 

Would it be better to give thanks for how I am feeling?  "Thanks for making me doubt all that is good, all that is healthy? Thanks for making me feel so undesirable as a person?  Thanks for taking a piece of my heart, using it as a toy for your own whims? Thanks for making me feel at any minute the rest of the world will fall apart?"

Would it be better to lie, as I am doing to the rest of the world when asked how I am? "Life is great, everything is coming together as I wanted it to, and I don't think of you at all.  I am feeling so happy with where things are, and thankful for all the beauty in my life."

The truth is that there is no easy way for me to answer that question without exposing my true feelings.  I can't shut off those emotions.  To the world, to those who do not know me, I probably seem like I am fine.  Inside, however, I feel my heart is shattered into a million pieces still.  To be over this would be better, but here I am again, square one... 

In the heart of hearts, when asked how I am doing, I would like to say "I'm great."  The longer I feel this pain, and share it, the more control someone else has over my own dreams. The methods in which I am coping may not be the best.  In my heart of hearts I would love to never allow you to know how broken I am, how much this has taken from me.  In my heart of hearts I would love to never allow you to know each day feels like my heart is breaking again as I wake up from dreaming that all that has occurred was just one horrible nightmare I have finally awoken from.  I guess once I am out of the emotional storm I will have finally woken up...and hope that when it happens I am able to never feel this way again.

Only

"Only"

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why

Things aren't as pretty
On the inside

Be courageous in your actions

Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

This has been a week of many changes within the company I work for.  We have had a transition of titles, transition of ownership, transition of how the business may ultimately be ran.  With so much change, one can become extremely anxious, worried about what the future may hold for them.  

Within this change, someone I admire greatly is exiting the company as the Chief Learning Officer. While I am unsure if this was a decision made due to the new acquisition of the company, or a decision made on his own accord, I am greatly sorry to see him leave.  It is not often you have someone in an executive position who is easy to approach, easy to speak with and share ideas.  It is not often you find someone in an executive position who is willing to ask questions of those within the departments they oversee for ideas, for cooperation, and to learn more about you as a singular individual rather than "That is Ruthe from IT..."  I would call this an example of being courageous in actions.

Often our actions lead a person to assume a certain level of character.  Others are able to judge who we are based on our actions, how we treat others, how we carry ourselves. Being courageous in actions is much more than someone rushing in to offer an opinion, or be seen simply to be seen by those who are considered important.  Being courageous in our actions often times is done in a very quiet manner, without regard of how others will view your actions.  It is not about being seen doing something great, or telling others about your wonderful contributions...it is about doing something that you feel within your heart to be the right decision or the right action.  

This world is cruel.  We have so many outside forces attempting to shift and hurl us from one side to the other.  We have those who instigate trouble between others, those that meddle when meddling is not needed.  We have those who simply do not care about the world around them, having becoming numb due to the negativity and pain that has occurred within their lives.  Some learn from an early age to stay quiet, stay in the background, let someone else speak up because it hurts when we are denied or have our own ideas unrecognized. 

There are a variety of actions to consider courageous.  Being someone who has a high regard for those within the military, and the efforts they make on a daily basis to attempt safety for millions they have never met before is clearly an act of courage.  Those who stand up for the rights of others, unwilling to waiver in their support is an act of courage.  Those that sit quietly, talking to and listening to a child talk about their dreams is an act of courage.  That simple letter you send to someone to tell them thank you, the email you send when learning about someone's exodus, or quietly telling someone they are doing a good job.  Those are acts of courage.  Those are the actions I hope to be remembered for, the simple things I do to make someone else happy within their own world, to feel appreciated, and feel important.