Lay down so that I can kick you

I saw my best friend this weekend.  After not seeing her since 2007 we were able to hang out, talk, laugh, and just have fun at remembering those days from the past where we would do the silliest of things without regard for how others may think of us.

In a world where I have many different layers to who I am, and what I share, my best friend has probably known me best.  Growing up without a sister, she has become my sister in the 16 year friendship we have shared.  She held my hand each time my heart was broken, whether physically or emotionally, encouraged me to always do my best, and while she may not have always agreed with decisions I made, she supported me 110%.  There are not too many people I can say that about.  She has not only wiped away my tears for painful moments, but also the tears of happy moments.

It is miraculous how a friendship between two individuals can include every private thought, secret, and protection from the outside world can soothe your soul as that of a kindred spirit of your best friend.

The first night we met, we were both in our first semester of college, and working at Wal-Mart.  We clicked instantly.  We clicked so much our co-workers asked if we were roommates...both from small towns, both with younger siblings at home since we were the oldest, and both trying to learn about our new worlds around us.  There was the night we drove someone's car we had just met, the time we drove to LA and got lost due to not knowing where the heck we were going, or going to Lake Havasu on Spring Break and laughed at all the drunk people. She was there in the middle of the night when I was in a car accident, and there when my kids were born.  In so many ways, she has been there for me more than I feel I have been there for her. She has been one of the few people I can trust without reservation.  We have inside jokes or phrases that when shared cause us to erupt into laughter similar to little kids do.  Phrases like "lay down so that I can kick you" would never be understood by any other person other than her.  That is the wonderful part of having a best friend, and many many years shared together...

Stephanie, her husband, and their kids moved to Minnesota about 5 years ago.  And as we had grown up, both meeting our husbands, starting families, and having our lives not be so intricately weaved, we have both accepted the other's life, knowing we are both busy.  When seeing each other, or talking on the phone again, it is just like that first time we met - like time has not passed, and we are 18 again.  Her moving away was extremely difficult, but also something that has not really affected our friendship...friendship is not measured in the miles that separate you, but measured in the moments where you share yourself with another person.

My own words I would say

Have you ever sat down with someone and told them your heart's song for them?  Told them how important they are to you, how each day is brighter due to their presence in your life?  Have you ever sent a letter to someone telling them how you love them, appreciate them, and know they have the ability to conquer and accomplish all their goals, dreams, and desires?  Have you ever said the words that can touch someone so deeply they are forever grateful?

When others allow you into their heart, when they share who they are, what they want, what they believe, it forges a different path than maybe you would have taken otherwise.  Our words to others are not that of "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  Our words to others, followed by our actions, can create a bond between spirits.  Our words can give hope, can offer peace, and can establish joy within the hearts of others.

I am not sure if I do this for those around me on as regular a basis as I would like.  I attempt to always let others know how I feel, but sometimes feel I fall short when going through a regular day of frustration where my own world feels like it is ripping at the seams.

I recently received 2 forms of communication that shook me.  One was a letter mailed to me, unexpected, from my sister-in-law Jessica.  The other was an email received today, from a person I deeply care about and would do anything just to see them smile.  For the sake of this person, I will not mention names, but if you read this, you know who you are.

The letter from Jessica came on a day where I literally was so low in spirit.  I was struggling with not only the regular day emotions, but also huge questions about who I am, what am I doing, why do I suffer the way I do when it comes to certain things...I received the letter on November 20, just a few short weeks ago.  As I am reading this letter that was written on stationary with her handwriting, I was transformed to different periods of my life where things were much more stressful than today.  I was transformed to different periods of my life where I felt complete joy, complete love, and a blissful ignorance only time diminishes. Suddenly, I was 19 again, I was 23 again, I was 27 again, reliving all the wonderful and difficult phases I have grown through, and grown up to be the person I am today.  She was sharing with me her appreciation of who I was, how I live, and who I will be in the future.  She was telling me through every sentence how she loved me for me.  The words she wrote on paper were not just words - they were a song, a testament to love, to family, to strength, and to honor.  They were words I cannot even think of without becoming tearful with an overwhelming warmth of love for her, and who she is.  She didn't know the day I received this I would need it.  She put her faith in her actions, and realized she was doing this based out of her need to show her appreciation.  I have read this letter several times since, overcome with emotion each time.

The other, the email I received today, touched me in a different way.  It was not centered around me as the letter from Jessica.  It was someone sharing with me who they were, their fears, their uncertainty of what the future may offer, and how they were not sure how or what steps they would take.  It was someone telling me who they were in their thoughts. And while there was a mention regarding my strength, or willingness to give of myself, I do not believe that is why the email was sent to me.  I believe it was sent due to a longing to let out feelings that may otherwise be left to roam within their heart, unknown to many, unheard to all. 

My own words I would say to Jessica and the person very dear to me would include something similar to lyrics from my previous post below.  Some of my words will be shared with them individually, in a more private forum rather than in the world of internet searches.  But they would also include a special editorial note as follows that I am willing to share to the world, for all to see, without fear or reservation (with some of those lyrics included):

For Jessica, my sister in love, you are forever one of the strongest women I know.  From the time our lives became intertwined we have both had our ups and subsequent downs.  You have always put a brave face on for the world to see, and I am sure and know that is not always the easiest thing to do.  You demonstrate strength to a degree I will never be able to understand, but have also demonstrated such grace under pressure with all the hardships life has given.  We have grown together as individuals, and grown up together through our own hardships and joys.  To see you as a mother, holding your sons in your arms, to watch your love for them, the love you have for your husband, and the love you have for the Lord is truly an amazing event to see.  In these moments, you are at your most beautiful, for your love shines through you as rays of sunshine would light the sky at dawn.  Be strong in the Lord, never give up hope.  You’re going to do great things, I already know.  God’s got His hand on you so don’t live life in fear.  Forgive and forget.  But don’t forget why you’re here.  Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say.

To my very special friend, with whom my time has been shorter than others in my life, I want you to know your brilliance is beyond my understanding at times.  Your wit, your desire to achieve great things, and your tenacity at grabbing what you want (including my attention) can never be matched.  While most things are uncertain right now, I know you are going to set the world on fire.  You are nothing short of amazing, and I feel so blessed each day having you as part of my life.  Hold strong in your trust to do good. You have captured my heart in so many aspects of who you are, not what you are. Be strong in the Lord, never give up hope.  You’re going to do great things, I already know.  God’s got His hand on you so don’t live life in fear.   Forgive and forget.  But don’t forget why you’re here.  Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say.

Thankfulness defined

Today is Thanksgiving. This is my 34th Thanksgiving, and of course I may not remember all those days, I am not new to the holiday. Every year I think of all I have in my life to be thankful for. This is not new. I do this on a regular basis. But in the season of this holiday, it becomes ever more present than other days, I suppose.

I am not really one for the holidays. I used to enjoy them, but after hardships like relationships falling apart during the holidays (I was dumped not once, but twice during random Christmas holidays), or family issues that pursue it seems each year I almost wish the season away. I wish for January when all the hulabaloo is over. This year is no different. I really am not looking forward to the holidays. While that may sound selfish, or somehow ungrateful, I will not be spending time with all the family I would like to make the holiday memorable. I will not be seeing the person I am dating to make it memorable. I will not be doing much other than hoping the season passes, and passes quickly.

In light of this, there are things I am thankful for. I am not completely void of feelings, and would be remiss if I didn't thank the Lord for all I have in my life.

I am thankful for my mötley crew of a family, in which I have learned how to love, how to express my emotions, and learned how to be accepted as I am, hot mess and all. I am thankful for not just the family I was born into, but also the family I had once been married into. I am thankful for all those who are called I mother, father, brothers, sisters, children.

There is no difference between blood and court documents issuing or removing marital binds when it comes to my family. Their love for me, their love for my children, and their love for us as a group has demonstrated such wonderful grace beyond what I could have ever imaged 13 years ago for those the world would call my ex-inlaws.

I am thankful for the person I am dating, and all the joy he brings in my life. All the pictures he sends me of random things in his life, the text messages, the calls, and the moments we are actually together. I am thankful to him for helping me see a different side of life, of the world, and of who I am just by knowing him.

I am thankful for my friends, without whom I would not be able to sometimes make it through my day. They offer me such encouragement, love, support, and help beyond my wildest dreams.

I am thankful for my job, and the method in which it allows me to pay my bills, learn something each day, and ability to see Glenn, family, friends.

I am thankful to have a roof over my head, and a vehicle to drive.

I am thankful to know I am where I am by the grace of the Lord, and I am thankful each day for the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father. Without His love, I would be lost and unable to love as I do. Without His grace, I would be hateful and unable to accept others. Without His forgiveness of my shortcomings, I would not be able to forgive those who have hurt me, or be able to look at the world as a place of opportunity.

I am thankful for every moment, both good and bad, that has led me to where I am today. For all those that hurt me, broke my heart, created dissension or only offered momentary support, they have all given me the gift of knowledge, the ability to forgive, and the path to where I am today.

Angels Unaware

Within the trilogy of songs from Michael W. Smith, this song is the last. After feeling my emotions so raw, feeling I would be revealed to the world in "Breathe in me," this song renewed my strength the day I fell apart, as described in a previous post. This song, while completely different, echos everything I needed on that particular day, and every day since.

My life has been a battle of pros and cons. Who's life is not the same way? None of us have the picture perfect life every day. Within the pros and cons, I am blessed enough to say I have had angels within my life. The people within my life have been instrumental in where I am now. And while some have been short-lived friendships, they have all taught me something. For this reason, they are all a blessing. I have been fortunate to have prayers answered in such amazing methods. I have been fortunate to have things come together when I had the inability to make ends meet on my own.

Days before I broke down in Macy's, I said a prayer. It was the Tuesday after Mother's Day, 2004. I woke up, mid panic attack, as was the usual circumstance for that time in my life. Along with the panic of a bad marriage, I was suffering other ailments. I was months away from health insurance at work. Unfortunately, in the weeks before I had suffered from my molars abscessing on both sides of my mouth for a grand total of 4 times (2 times on each side). During the abscessing my face would swell to the size of a scary character you would see in a Disney character. The pain was so bad I could not sleep, and would thrash in pain. I was concerned about my need for new contacts, and how I was going to pay for them. I had been reading this book about gratefulness, and thankfulness at the time, and as I was getting ready for work, and feeling overwhelmed, that book and what it was saying came into focus.

I immediately started praying. I prayed for a couple who were about to get married. I prayed for my children, and for those in my life. I prayed to have a good day at work, and to sell something - anything - 2 days after Mother's Day in a cosmetic / fragrance department. I also prayed that someone, anyone, would want to open a Macy's credit card, and prayed that the person opening the card would not have money issues due to my request. I prayed my teeth would not cause me any issues until my health insurance started. I prayed my contacts would last until my health insurance started. I prayed I would just have a good day.

Most of what I prayed for was out of my control. I could not control if someone purchased something, or opened a darn credit card. I could not control if my teeth decided to abscess again, or if my eyes decided they could not handle the contacts I was using. All out of my control, and I knew this.

When I got to work that morning, and as the store opened, a friend of mine who worked at the eye doctor next to Macy's came into our store. My counter was the first counter you would arrive at when entering the first floor entrance, and due to the close proximity of our stores, we had developed a friendship. When she walked in, she came to me and asked "We have some sample contacts in your prescription. Do you need contacts?" Are you kidding me? I was so grateful for her thinking of me, and having the courage to ask me the question. I gladly accepted the contacts that helped me for another 9 months.

Throughout the day, I was amazed at my friend's kindness. And in my thanking God, I began to see other tangible moments of my prayer being answered. By the end of the day I sold over $1,000 in my department - an unheard of amount for the location where I worked, and for the time of year it was. I opened 4 cards that day, and walked away knowing that the Lord was there, helping me. None of the items that day were ever returned to dock my commission later on. My teeth had not been bothering me, either.

Two weeks later, when all was said and done; my contacts were great, and my good day selling items and opening cards was over, the Bishop of my church came in unexpectedly. I had not been going to church due to working most Sundays. I had only met the man 2 other times. It was a shock for him to come into my work only due to not even realizing he knew where I worked. In fact, I hadn't really even shared much about my life with him. He didn't know my marriage was falling apart, or that I was days away from leaving my husband. He didn't know that literally days before he came in I was crumpled on the floor crying to the songs I am writing about.

"Ruthe, I was driving on the freeway. I was headed home, but was so compelled to pull off on Alma School. The Lord told me I needed to check about how your teeth are doing? Are you having issues with your teeth?"

What do you come back with on this question? "Uh, no. Things are good" out of shame or "Yes, I have been in extreme pain but it hasn't been bad in the past few days"? I let him know what was going on, and how painful it had been, but that my insurance was ready to start in a month, and I would be able to have things looked at then.

"Ruthe, I want you to go to my dentist. I am calling him now, and you will have an appointment tomorrow. Don't worry about the cost, I will take care of that for you."

True to his word, the very next day I had my teeth fixed. True to his word, I didn't have to pay for this at a time I didn't have extra money.

And as I was finished, and rehashing the prayer, rehashing the moments that had passed and the amazing things that had happened, I once again felt that spiritual embrace surround me. My angels unaware were sent directly to me for a reason, for a purpose. Since this time I have believed if I ask for something that I need, something that I am unable to do on my own, the Lord will always provide for me, and always provide an angel by my side to help me stand and walk when I feel I cannot go any further.

Maybe there's a light in my soul
Maybe it flickers like a neon sign
Outside an abandoned hotel
Maybe there are things you just can't know
But can you say there are no mysteries
In the house you choose to dwell
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Maybe there's a place where we will fly
But some say God is dead like Nietzsche said
And faith has made me a fool
But maybe there is more than meets the eye
Who's that stranger there beside you?
Don't be smug and don't be cruel
Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

Battles of the heart and of the mind
We stay caught in mental purgatory
'Til our existence can be defined
Meanwhile on the shores of parallel
There may be a hold conference held
Somewhere
Discussing all mankind

Maybe we are entertaining angels unaware

The ending of a very long month

October, 2010.

This was a long month. It was a month I was able to travel to San Diego for the Miramar Air Show with Glenn, his mom, and her husband. I was able to see my friend April while in town, and performed surgery on my car after running over tire tread in the dead of night on my way there. The next weekend I went to Connecticut to visit Glenn, see the fall leaves turning colors of vivid orange, red, and yellow. It was a relaxing weekend of time with his family, walking Maxwell, and being together. And then, it went down hill from there.

Between travel, working Monday through Friday, working on-call on Saturdays, working at Neiman Marcus for 2 short shifts, kids, friends, misunderstandings, miscommunication, not feeling well, going to 2 concerts, and just life in general I feel as if this one month has been filled with enough for 6. So, to remind myself of what I really enjoyed in the month end wrap up, I have decided to list them, with a reason for my gratitude, and to always remember how blessed I am, even when things seem the dimmest.

In just trying to find those moments I am grateful for, I am reminded of all I have in my life that is good. I am reminded to never take for granted anything or anyone. I have so much to be thankful for, and so blessed in so many ways.

Oct. Week 1: I am grateful for being able to see April and catch up. We hadn't seen each other in God only knows how long, and I appreciated her letting me over in the middle of her house, only to leave almost at day break.
I am grateful for time spent with Glenn and his mom, her husband. From just relaxing at the pool, to sharing sushi, to the air show, it was a great weekend

Oct. Week 2: I am grateful for being able to see Glenn so quickly after the San Diego trip. While the leaves hadn't changed as much as I expected, we still were able to enjoy the crunching of fall leaves on our walks with Maxwell. I was thankful that we were able to enjoy our time just relaxing and not doing much other than spending time together. And while it was sad to leave each other at the airport, it was much easier seeing him walk into the hall onto his plane than to wave from a security gate. I am thankful the kids were able to have a week off, enjoying their time away from school. I feel blessed to have been able to see my friend Scottie realize a dream of having a record label, and to see where he is making this dream a reality.

Oct. Week 3: Okay, so here is where things get a little more hard-pressed for gratitude. This was an emotionally draining week. I am thankful to have spent a night with old friends at my house for dinner. I am thankful that misunderstandings were at least talked about between a friend and myself. I am thankful for family and friends who helped me through a very difficult time in this week with some issues that sprung forth

Oct. Week 4: If I thought week 3 was rough,week 4 was even harder. Week 4 brought misunderstandings of a sort with a person I do not want to lose. I am thankful to have been able to see old friends at Neimans, catch up while working there. I am thankful to have salvaged another friendship that was important to me. I am thankful I was able to see my kids receive awards at their school assembly.

Change, Change, Change

In the past 6 months, I have endured many changes.

I was involved in a car accident, started a new job, moved to a new place to live, experienced the breakup with my ex-boyfriend, got a new dog, got a new car, started a hopeful beginning to a new relationship, and a few other highlights along the way.

I have not always greeted so much change in the span of so little time. The only time I have ever welcomed so much change was when I knew I was welcoming a new little person into my life as my child. I cannot think of a time where I gladly threw out the red carpet for something called change easily.

The past 6 months, all the change I have been through, has taught me one thing - change is not always to be feared. If you had asked me 6 months ago how I would feel about everything that has happened now, you would have seen me melt into a panic attack. I would have gladly welcomed the new job. That would have gone without hesitation as a good thing. But moving - uh oh! I hate moving. Loss of a relationship - um, you mean I am going to be alone? A new car? How am I going to pay for that one? I am still working on the idea of having a new car with the payments needed.

Of all the changes I have endured the past 6 months, I can honestly say I am very happy with the results. The changes were not always my decision, but through it all I feel so much peace, comfort, and love in my life.

• While the car accident caused me severe back pain, but taught me an important lesson that I am always protected from harm.
• I am happy to have a new job where I am learning to do something different. I was looking and hoping for a new job, but I am enjoying the company I work for.
• In terms of a new place to live - this was not the choice I wanted to make. I feel lucky to have found a place in a quiet neighborhood, a roof over my head.
• The breakup with the boyfriend - I realized I may have been holding onto something that was over longer ago than I care to admit. I learned much from this man, and can say he gave me courage in areas he may not even realize. This courage has allowed me to move on, to see my value in the world, and to find my happiness within myself that can be shared to the world.
• My new dog, Wendy, reminds me everyday to find pleasure in the smallest of items, to love those who take care of me, and never be afraid to show them my love.
• The new car will allow me to get where I need to go. It is never easy to swallow a car payment, but the car will help my children go to school, get me to work, and keep me safely on the road
• Within the new dating experience, I am so excited to see where this will lead. I am with this incredible person who makes me smile just when hearing his name. He is caring, sensitive, and provides so much joy in my life.
• I have realized how important my friends are to me, and the fact that I can lean on people when I am struggling. This is not new territory, but definitely more welcomed than ever before.

Please let this feeling last

My life is, for the most part, beautiful. I have been very fortunate in my life. I have a wonderful immediate family with my parents who sometimes drive me crazy but always hold me when I fall, brothers who openly tell me they love me without hesitation as adults. I am fortunate to have been married into (and subsequently divorced out of) a family with whom I am still close to, feel their love from miles away, and spending time with them is on the top of my favorite things to do. I have two beautiful children who think for themselves, are thoughtful toward others, and know the value of what family means. I have been blessed with intelligence and wit, of friends who are my family and offer tremendous support. By all accounts of life, and by the score card of my life, I am truly blessed.

Life is not always so beautiful. Especially when you feel down-trodden by what circumstances may offer. One moment you feel you are at the summit of happiness, dwelling in the sunshine of all your diligence. The next moment you are reminded that the valley of despair is actually where you are residing, and the acme summit was more of a desert mirage; something that appeared to be true but was in actuality an illusion of your own creation. Small moments lend to the bigger ideals of your future, but sometimes those small moments feel like a lifetime if pain may be involved. Life is filled with birth and death, of sorrow and laughter, of good and bad. But life is more about how you may see a situation, and give way to possibility than it is giving in to the pain.

Gary Allan sings a song called "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" that sums this tragedy into simple lines of "Life ain't always beautiful, tears will fall sometimes, Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride." His song was about the tragedy of losing the person intended to spend a lifetime with, his wife. But it lends itself to the pain of all who may listen to the lyrics...really listen to what he was trying to say to his wife that offers beauty in spite of tragedy, hope in spite of impossibility, and moving forward in spite of wishing to remain in the past.

I have had the good fortune of being able to see loss as positive. It is not always seen in the moment, and sometimes I have curled myself into a fetal position praying for the morning to lend itself more strength than the day I am attempting to flee. And once around the bend of Sorrow Turnpike, being able to see that light at the end of the tunnel is nothing short of spectacular. This is where I am right now.

I have spent the past week feeling so completely enraptured in possibility. The possibility that makes me dance with renewed strength, sing out loud at the top of my lungs, and laugh until tears spill forward. It is something I have not felt for what seems eons. It is something I have yearned for, and something I have come to understand starts with who I am, what I do, and how I react to my environment. Being held, being told how wonderful you are, and believing the other person tell you is nothing short of faith in action. Faith that I will not be hurt this time, or become vulnerable in ways that will only suffocate the simplistic power actually being offered.

In a world so filled with hatred, I am looking into the face of possible love. It is beyond scary feeling this way; beyond what my feeble mind can sometimes handle. I just know I don't want the feeling to pass. I don't want to wake up again in the valley only to realize I was swallowed into the dreams of a desert mirage. I don't want these moments to end. I find myself praying for ongoing joy, and to allow myself open to new ideas. I find myself praying for health, for a time when I can once again be united, and spend more than just a few days in the peak of life. I want a lifetime. Where once there was a heart that had mended is now a heart with a new opening for exciting adventure. I am enjoying the ride, and wanting it to never end. I never want this feeling to end. If I could offer one small, meager prayer, it would be to allow this feeling to last.