I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention

I haven't written much this month. I could blame my busy life, which really is not that busy, the kids hectic school schedule, which is also not that hectic yet. Truth is, every time I sit down to write, I am conflicted with wanting to say so much, but yet having nothing worthy of writing. I am suffering from a case of feeling the minute I open my mouth, the other person will say, "I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't paying attention."

It has been a good month. I have been able to work, see my children grow a little taller, took some time to visit family and friends in California, and was able to see the person I am dating for an extended weekend. I have been able to experience new things, see new things, and enjoy my time.

The problem is not that I have not had anything to say, or share. No, it is more along the lines that I feel what I do have to say is riddled with shallow echoing of who I am. Tonight, I am at home, sitting in front of the computer, excited to go to San Diego in a few days, but yet feel so sad, and so lonely. I am constantly surrounded by those that care about me, yet I am feeling so empty. I wish I could pinpoint what it is that is bothering me, or what is "wrong". My nerves for the past week have also been shot, and I am feeling so very vulnerable at this time.

Sometimes, well, most times, I worry about the most insignificant of things to the rest of the world. Right now, I am worried that I will lose everything that is important to me. I am worried that those I care about most will not be there for me when I feel my world is caving in. I am worried that I may be replaced with a newer model or version of what I have to offer. And due to this feeling, I strive even harder to push the feelings aside. I work harder to make those around me feel loved, feel how important they are to me. I work harder to ensure my job is done correctly and with excellence. Yet, old haunts of situations in the past creep up and remind me that maybe what I am doing is not enough. That there could be someone who could replace me. That instead of making others feel their importance, I make them feel as I do right now - empty and afraid.

In my experiences, when I let others in I am always too vulnerable and viewed as a mess. When expressing my feelings they are brought back to be used as a weapon. When I give my all, my all is just short of what the other person wants. It is a constant struggle to wage war against these feelings, and feel my worth at times. It is a constant silent scream in a world filled with reminders that I was not good in other situations that are similar in my life, so what makes me feel, think, or dare to believe I won't repeat it. As strong as I seem to the outside world, and as faithful I am in my beliefs, I am still struggling nearly every day that I am a special person to someone in this world. I am struggling to believe that I can be loved, and be cherished. I am still struggling to overcome my fears brought forth by so many experiences in my past.

I do not doubt the love of my family. I do not doubt the strength of my faith. I just wish I could trust more in myself, and ease this weariness I feel. I wish I could feel the words I say are valued by those who hear them. I am sure tomorrow the feeling will subside. Something will happen to encourage me again; to press forward and believe. And maybe with a good night's rest, that will happen. But at this moment, I am feeling a bit blue, a bit sad, and a bit unlike who I strive to be.