I have never been good with confrontation. In fact, I am one that tends to avoid it as much as I can. While some confrontation is good, I prefer to avoid the type of confrontation that leads to arguments, or other situations that lead to only hurt, pain, and disillusionment.
Recently, this has been where I reside. I reside in a state of shut down. I have a hard time expressing myself to those I once viewed as being close for fear of being exposed for my feelings. I have a hard time letting go and letting God do what needs to be done within my life.
I was in a conversation on the phone recently where I was told I was the one who decided to have things "over". Along with every other emotion I have been dealing with, I was taken aback by this statement. How did I decide things were over when I knew details that were not pleasant to know? I don't think it was too much to ask when confronting a situation, requesting the truth, to receive omission that later I am blamed for. Here is the thing. Because I love him, because I truly wanted him to be happy, I had to face the fact that if he was seeing other people, maybe he was not as happy with me. If he wanted to move on, why would I hold him back? I didn't decide to move on, I wasn't seeing anyone else. I wasn't omitting my emotions or feelings. I was trying to determine ways to be together, ways to enrich both of our lives, and to be with him. I wasn't talking to other people, entertaining the idea of seeing others, I wasn't introducing my family to someone new. I wasn't walking around telling other people that things were over between us - that we had a talk about being on a break. How could I be the one who decided to have things over when all I wanted was to be with him, give him the space he asked for, and try to continue to maintain faith that if this was something meant to be, it would all work out.
I guess I have lost faith in so many things in the past three months. I went from thinking I was with someone I would share more time with to being treated in passive aggressive methods for him to show his own pain. I went from feeling comfortable sharing my thoughts to being told my thoughts were extremely hurtful and that I am foolish in how I feel. I went from being told I was important and special to being told I was hurtful to him. I have lost the person I loved, and at the same time I hear from him telling me how awful a person I am. All I did was try to avoid confrontation, to treat him with respect and wait for him to tell me what was going on.
It hurts. The whole situation has been nothing short of a dream gone wrong. I don't understand so much, I don't have anyone to really discuss this with. And while he says we will talk about things sometime, what will that conversation be? Me, listening to him tell me how horrible I am when I sat, believing he wanted to be with me but was making plans with someone else? I would have done anything for him to be happy, for him to have the life he needed and wanted. That meant me walking away, allowing him that space he requested. That meant I knew he was with someone else, and choosing to not let this be difficult for me. That meant that when he contacted me with confusing emails telling me he was still thinking about what he wanted I had to choose to not confront him with what I knew, and ask questions.
No, instead I have shut down. I have shut down and am unable to discuss my feelings. I am unable to discuss the amount of pain my heart feels. I am unable to think clearly, and evidently unable to tell him how I am feeling without fear of hurting him again, without revealing where I am and what I feel for fear of ridicule. I am so alone in this world right now, so painfully alone with my thoughts, and with my unrealized dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment