Staircases are supposed to lead somewhere

I have had several conversations recently with different people regarding loss...loss of a family member, friend, relationship due to divorce or breakup, job.  Truth is, we all suffer loss, and sometimes it feels too much to bear.

In a world where we are expected to not show emotion, it is vastly different if you are the person suffering the loss.  And with all loss, it takes time to heal.  It is hard going through any loss.  No one can tell you any different.  Right now, I have a friend who is going through the impending death of a father due to cancer.  Right now, I have another friend going through the pain of losing a job, and even if they didn't like their job, it is still a loss they were not expecting.  Right now I have a friend going through the pain of a lost relationship in which he loved the other person, but couldn't maintain in the relationship.  Right now I have a friend who is still bruised and hurt from a divorce.  In talking her, she told me that it has been 2 years since her divorce, but it still feels very fresh in her mind.

I can relate to this, and more time has elapsed on my own divorce time clock than hers.  Sometimes it isn't the person you miss that creates this sense of loss, it is the mourning of everything that person brought into your life.  That warmth, love, touch...all those things that embody the relationship lost.

But feeling those emotions, and feeling like you must suffocate those feelings is one of the hardest things to do.  Even if you could explain your feelings to someone else, that feeling of being exposed, naked in your own emotion can hamper your ability to talk.  I am one of those people.  I can write to my heart's content, or dismay in this scenario, regarding how I am feeling, but trying to verbalize that to another person is so difficult.  Suddenly, I am unable to think, unable to discuss in a manner that is understandable.  My mind runs ten thousand miles a minute, and I often feel that what I am trying to convey is silent to the other person, only heard by that of my own heart and mind.  I try to not show the world how I am feeling for fear they will see me as raw as I feel.  Unfortunately, I also wear my feelings like a book wears letters across the page to create words...in plain view.  So while I may not discuss my feelings, they are still there, evident to anyone who sees me.

Today is a great example of this.  That great example of wearing my emotions on my face, and those emotions exploding in a fireworks display.  I had to be by myself, go somewhere I felt safe, someplace I could cry to heart's content without letting another soul into my bubble of pain.  The pain of all loss being suffered in my life, both past and present, collided...and crashed and burned into a fire ring for all to see.  I may as well have self-imploded for the damage I felt, and the damage I feel I am doing.  I don't want to talk about things.  I don't want to hash over ideas of how to become happy.  I want to be allowed to feel my feelings of brokenness, be allowed to feel that pain...I can't express this to the person(s) I need to express it to most, but I at least want to be allowed to feel this.  For all the fairy tales about happily ever after, being your true, genuine self, for loving the other person, and actively showing and demonstrating this on a daily basis, it gets to a point where I believe in the possibility of solitude and loss more than the ability to love and have someone there for a lifetime.

I feel as if I am on this spiral staircase, looking down at how far I have come, but then looking up and seeing no end in sight. I have climbed the staircase so long that I don't want to turn around, but my legs, mind, and heart are weary, and tired of not reaching that destination of joy.  After all, staircases are solely built to lead to something, to take you to a location you can not reach due to distance without the aid of the wood or steel they are made of.  You are supposed to be able to see the top to judge how much further you must climb, even if that means you open another door to another set of stairs.

Over and over and over (repeat)

Having one of those days where I just play the same song over...and over...and over...it really serves as no purpose in making my spirits light, or helping me with anything.  Just a song I like, that happens to allow me to wallow in self-pity for whatever ails me at the moment...how could I not listen over and over with lyrics like:

"Baby where's that place where time stands still
I remember like a lover can
But I forget it like a leaver will
It's the first time that you held my hand
It's the smell and the taste and the fear and the thrill
It's everything I understand
And all the things I never will"

It always reminds me of being in high school, just discovering The Eagles, and listening to Wasted Time...I listened to that song so many times in repetition I wondered if my mom would come and break the CD in half. Or the particular song I listened to in college, the same worry that my roommate would come in and break the CD from my subjecting her to endless hours of the same song, over and over and over again...repeat.

To me, though, music is soothing.  It evokes feelings I suppress, and allows me to have that inner dialogue I typically do not allow myself.  It brings me to another place and time, where I can literally smell the air from when I first heard the song, or first remembered liking the song...right now, I am in college, smelling orange blossoms, hearing the very same song I am listening to right now, hearing my roommate tell me the song is perfect for what I am feeling.  I am 18, healing my broken heart, young, innocent, thinking I can do anything in the world, with my whole future in front of me.  Instead, in the present, I am in my 30's, divorced, single parent, wondering if I will ever feel the warmth of someone's hand within mine as we walk through life.  I no longer believe in being able to do anything, because I feel so worn from all the storms within my life.  I no longer think that things will be okay, because I have told myself that for years, and it has only led me to this place where I am now.  My only hope is that what I wish for and what reality hands me somehow mirror each other.  

Such a vast difference from that 18 year old...the only similarity other than it being me is the smell of orange blossoms in the air from my window that is open...Over and over and over...repeat...it is softly telling me, this song, that sometimes we don't understand...and that is how I feel. It's all the things I understand, and all the things I never will...

Emergency Telephone Numbers

Emergency Telephone Numbers
These are more effective than 911
When -
You are sad, phone John 14
You have sinned, phone Psalm 51
You are facing danger, phone Psalm 91
People have failed you, phone Psalm 27
It feels as though God is far from you, phone Psalm 139
Your faith needs stimulation, phone Hebrews 11
You are alone and scared, phone Psalm 23
You are worried, phone Matthew 8:19-34
You are hurt and critical, phone 1 Corinthians 13
You wonder about Christianity, phone 2 Corinthians 5:15-18
You are seeking peace, phone Matthew 11:25-30
It feels as if the world is bigger than God, phone Psalm 90
You need Christ like insurance, phone Romans 8:1-30
You are leaving home for a trip , phone Psalm 121
You are praying for yourself, phone Psalm 87
You require courage for a task, phone Joshua 1
Inflation's and investments are hogging your thoughts, phone Mark 10:17-31
You are depressive, phone Psalm 27
Your bank account is empty, phone Psalm 37
You lose faith in mankind, phone 1 Corinthians 13
It looks like people are unfriendly, phone John 15
You are losing hope, phone Psalm 126
You feel the world is small compared to you, phone Psalm 19
You want to carry fruit, phone John 15
Paul's secret for happiness, phone Colossians 3:12-17
With big opportunity/ discovery, phone Isaiah 55
To get along with other people, phone Romans 12
 
ALTERNATE NUMBERS
 
For dealing with fear, call Psalm 47
For security, call Psalm 121:3
For assurance, call Mark 8:35
For reassurance, call Psalm 145:18
 
ALL THESE NUMBERS MAY BE PHONED DIRECTLY.
NO OPERATOR ASSISTANCE IS NECESSARY.
ALL LINES TO HEAVEN ARE AVAILABLE 24 HOURS A DAY.
FEED YOUR FAITH, AND DOUBT WILL STARVE TO DEATH

All emergency numbers are republished from http://www.jrsbible.info/bible.htm 

Scarlett letter of the modern times

I never wanted to be a single parent.  It was the last intention on earth to be alone, raising children, dealing with all their needs without the support and help of someone else physically living with me.  And even when I had someone else physically living with me (their father), it was pretty much like doing everything on my own anyhow.

In today's age, I feel that being a single parent is similar to that of the Scarlett Letter.  Sure, I had my kids while married, so I do not carry a scarlet letter "A" upon my chest as Hester Prynne did, but instead I carry the scarlet letters "SP" upon my life.  Sometimes I feel people look at me in dismay, or disbelief.  In my dating life, it is always cause for great concern when the kids are brought up.  For all the thought and reflection another may do in deciding if my family is something they want to take upon their shoulders, it is greatly appreciated.  Yet, it is also hard at the same time.  It is hard hearing someone say "I am not sure about dating you because of the kids" as if I could wave a magic wand, revert back to another time when I did not have children to start over.  Truth is, the kids have helped form the individual they see standing in front of them.  Truth is, if I accept someone for who they are, I accept all of them, not just bits and pieces.  Sometimes if feels this is the opposite of what happens to me.

In my mind, I recognize the fact that it is not about being accepted, or rejection.  In my mind, I understand that what I have to offer may not be what everyone wants to take upon their own lives.  I get it. I am not sure if I could date someone with kids, which is really ironic. I understand that if I was dating someone with a child, I may have misgivings as well.  Let's face it, it is hard coming into a relationship and not being the other person's top priority.  It is hard feeling like you are doing things in reverse of the old childhood song of "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage..." especially if that baby in the baby carriage is not yours...and is not in a carriage any longer, but able to see what you are doing, look up to you, ask for advise, and include you as their family.  It is hard wondering if you will measure up to what they need, desire, request, or want.  In trying, though, you discover strengths you never knew...

In my heart, however, that is where rationale is thrown out the window.  My mind is able to comprehend and understand the fears that accompany involvement with someone wearing the scarlet SP.  But my heart is different.  My heart, that is able to love and give love does not understand.  My heart looks upon my kids' faces, sees beauty mixed with all their little personality traits, and wonders why someone would doubt the ability to love them.  My children are some of the easiest kids to be around.  They don't ask for much.  They don't act out for attention, or create havoc in the lives of others.  Since I have not involved them with many of my relationships, friend or love based, and sheltered them from yet another person being in their lives, they don't have that dread of "Here comes another one...thanks Mom"

In my heart, I desire to have companionship.  I am not looking for another 'daddy' for my kids...they already have one.  I am not looking for someone to come in and pay my bills, or take on more than they should.  I am not wanting someone to be there because they feel they should be there.  I want someone to talk to at the end of the day, who will hold my hand, walk with me through difficult times, and laugh with me when things are good.  In my heart, I desire to be a good companion, supporting them through their journey in life.  Regardless of the ups and downs, to have my companion also believe the fact that we are standing with one another and we will make it as a team.  To look at me, despite all I have in this world that may be scarlet letters SP related, any baggage I may come with, and go beyond fear to try.  I am not expecting perfection.  I am wanting someone to do their best.

Everyone is going to have baggage, everyone is going to have something from their past that is hard. Everyone is going to have fears and issues they are working on until the minute they leave this world.  Everyone has their own desires, and their own goals. Taking upon yourself the other person's desires, goals, and needs, encouraging them, standing beside them, and being a shelter from the storms of life is part of being with someone just as much as when the sun is shining, good times are only seen, and life seems like a never ending amazement. Accepting someone as they are, knowing as each day passes, we are both growing together, is the goal.

My hurting heart

I am stubborn.  I am not someone that allows others into my realm very often to see my fears, my doubts, my needs.  I don't ask for help, and certainly do not walk around telling everyone my business.  I don't want others to see me in pain, or see if I am hurting.  And sometimes this results in my inability to accept help, and my ability to push others away.  Subconsciously or consciously I am afraid to let others in when I need help, request help, or even allow someone else to help me.  I am close-guarded with my feelings, close-guarded with my heart.  I don't want to be someone's project to work on, or feel pity due to my mistakes or actions.  I don't want anything else but a hug, someone to be there, holding my hand, and telling me regardless of my mistakes, they will be there for me with the understanding that if I do make a mistake I learn from it, hoepfully not to repeat it again.

I don't feel the need to project an image of myself to others that is false; I just don't want to allow them into my thoughts to safeguard my own heart.  I don't feel the need to be perfect in front of others; I just don't want anyone to worry about me.  And it takes someone very special to unlock the padlock and come inside.

My questions, my needs, my desires can not be answered in a small way.  And when attempting to apologize for something I have done wrong, it is difficult to express exactly what I would like to say without feeling completely disrobed.  My ability to write about how I feel has always been my method for expression.  But in life, you cannot carry around a tablet to write your emotions.  And once something is said, you cannot take a giant eraser and remove the comment.  It is there - hanging in the air like a giant storm cloud waiting to produce a downpour. For all the reflection back on this pain, it seems I am drowning in a pool without a life vest or lifeguard on duty.  The life vest would be forgiveness, and the lifeguard would the person I hurt. 

I try to not be insensitive toward others.  I would never outright do something hurtful to another person, regardless of how I am feeling myself.  I do not use others words and feelings as a method of exploitation.  I don't typically use others words against them in a way that makes them reconsider sharing in the first place.  Because I am so sensitive myself, I try to not hurt someone else.  But still, there is no reason for my actions, and nothing I feel I can do to remedy the situation.  And there are not enough ways to say you are sorry when you have hurt someone else - it is unfortunately up to them to reciprocate, to come back, to forgive, and to move forward. 


In looking back, there are so many things I wish I could do differently.  The words that escaped my mouth that caused pain, the actions that created an alienation.  Most of this is a blur, and not something I can take back.  It has been a very difficult week with many roller coaster emotions and confusion, intense moments and things shared.  Some things good, some things not so good.  I am really struggling, but keep praying.  My heart is hurting, my head is spinning. And I feel I messed up in ways I can never make up for.

If I could remove all the hurt I caused, I would.  If I could offer any words, do anything to help create a salve on the wound of this other person's heart, I would not stop until the wound healed.  My only hope is that I am given another chance.  That my words and actions are forgiven, healing can begin, and our journey continues on the same path together.

Sure of you

 

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

I have always liked this quote from A.A. Milne.  There are moments when I feel like Pooh, and moments where I feel like Piglet with this sentiment.

There are many moments in life where you feel like Piglet - needing to feel sure of someone else.  That need to ensure someone, whoever that someone is, is there with you, walking with you, staying by your side.  That feeling of security knowing they are standing with you.  That desire to make sure how you feel correlates to how they may feel.

There are other moments in life where you feel like Pooh - the strong one standing by Piglet's side, reassuring that someone you are there, that you are walking with them, staying by their side.  You become the rock, that strong force for someone in need.  

What a nice sentiment it is, to find someone you can be sure of.  To find someone who you can share things with, and to stand next to one another come what may.  Life is not about the fears we have that disable us from trying, or being who we should be.  Life is about the fears we overcome, the fears that enable us to discover, to try, to grow.  Life is about the ever changing world around us, and finding that person who is supportive of us, regardless of what may come our way together - as a team - both sure of each other, or reassuring one another if the other is feeling weak.   

A relationship is not just about the pretty butterflies in your stomach nor the heart throbbing sensations. It is about sticking together through the storms, encouraging each other daily, doing your best despite your fears, respecting one another, and not giving up if things become difficult.We are not promised to have only good days.  We are not promised that tomorrow we may have issues where our today is filled with so much promise.  The only thing we can do is stay together, hold each other's hands, and face the world as a team. 

So many words, so little time

So, I am sitting at my desk at work, and literally hoping that either my hands start to do something that is productive on my computer, or my monitor and keyboard magically start working for themselves, allowing me the credit...Don't get me wrong, I love my job.  But there are days where I have a hard time focusing on what I should be doing.

Focusing may be the wrong word.  I don't need help focusing.  My managers are awesome to work with, and they give those in my department the ability to work independently.  Some days I will sit and learn new applications, or tweek some documents I have stared at too many times but have nothing really to do otherwise.  This is a unique position to be in; that ability to work on things, learn things in an environment that fosters learning, and allowed the freedom to discover things on my own. 

The previous company I worked for could be described as nothing short of hell.  I could have worked a full 24 hours straight, still feel like I have more work to do, and be told I wasn't doing enough.  Very frustrating.  My day was dictated by a calendar full of trainings, and on any given day I would conduct up to 6 training sessions.  Constantly being on the phone, I learned that I spent a majority of my time working with individuals around the country in which I never met, but fostered and developed relationships with.  In meeting a few of those clients face to face, I was always so excited to tie a face to a name, and learn more about them.  Yet, there was always that evil voice lurking in the background - "Don't be too friendly," "When are you going to get this done," or other confusing and misleading sentences that would frequent the air.

Part of the problem today is my mind is elsewhere.  My mind is where my heart is...and that is not within the walls of my company's office walls.  My mind and my heart are so many miles away from where my body is sitting, attempting to do work.  And once that happens, it is difficult for me to accomplish anything other than breathing.  Even that, at times, feels like a task.  In my heart, and in my mind, there are words circling around.  So many words, with so little time to express them.  That feeling of stopping and starting over and over and over...that feeling of blurred lines, blurred actions, and blurred intentions.  That dizzy spinning effect where your heart and mind conflict but also merge into one.  And the desires of my heart will hopefully realized and achieved.  Waiting for that moment to be realized.

Every tear I cry, you hold in your hand

The work God does may not be in changing the situation you are in, but in changing you in the situation. God may not always calm the storms in your life, he may just calm the storm inside of you.  

My cousin Rachel posted that as her status in Facebook today. Such a sweet way to think of all the struggles we may come across in our lives.  That storm that rises up, seems to sweep us away, and allows us to feel hurt or lost.  How many times have I felt that storm in my life?  How many times have I felt that storm in the past few days?

In the past few days I have felt this great sensation of drowning.  That feeling of attempting to reach for someone to save me, and feel that there is no one there who will understand how I am feeling.  I know this to NOT be true, but it doesn't stop those feelings from creeping in, late at night, as I have nothing else but my thoughts and prayers to keep me.  It does not stop those feelings from invading my peace of mind, peace of heart, and peace of spirit.  It does not stop me from feeling what I want and desire most is something I may never have.  

 In a world where I have so much to be thankful for, so many blessings that are provided and bestowed upon me, it is always in the troubled times I seem to feel this way.  Right now, my heart is heavy.  Right now, I feel I will crumble at any moment.  Right now, I feel poor in spirit, and unable to give to anyone the kindness or tenderness needed.  But there are moments where I feel that sweet spirit of God, holding me, helping me to become strong, and not to feel weary.  It is hard to escape my pain, my loneliness, my emptiness, but that sweet spirit is always there, waiting for me to embrace and cling to.  Waiting for me to let go.  Waiting for me to come to Him with my needs, my desires, my wishes and express them to Him.  

 Proverbs 121 has such amazing strength when reading the words penned thousands of years ago, in a world that is far more harsh than mine.  The promises it offers, the sweet surrender I must offer is scribed in a manner I wish my sensitive heart could have thought of.  Our journeys are not about looking behind us, longing for the past, or fearing the past.  Our journeys are in front of us, waiting for us to begin again each day.  Every day I attempt to remember this, especially now.  And while it is a struggle, I know someday I will have all my wants fulfilled in ways I never could have imagined.  And so, until that day, I guess I need to just remember how unique, how special, how prized I am as His child.  How intricate He designed me.  How He has all of this in His hands, and the solutions have already been made if I follow the path I need to follow. 

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip -
He who watches over you will not slumber;
Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you
The LORD is your shade at your right hand;
The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm -
He will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and going
Both now and forevermore.
Psalm 121

March 22, 1994 - What's Up

March 22, 1994...The day started off with so much uncertainty which seems to be the story of my life. I was supposed to go to Phoenix with a friend, Dawn, and her boyfriend Jim. But there were issues with Dawn, and I wasn't sure I was going with them until before we left. We made it to Scottsdale without any issue, and met up with a friend from high school, Brad, at a Red Robin.

When we met up with him, he said he had heard about a terrible accident that happened between Phoenix and Payson on the Beeline Hwy. He wasn't sure if we would be making it as we had. Back then, no one had cell phones to call and let others know where they were. I think Dawn may have had a pager, but for the life of me, I can't remember. Doesn't really matter to the story anyway.

The day was spent going shopping. Back then, there was a mall called Los Arcos at Scottsdale Rd. and McDowell in South Scottsdale. The mall had been neglected by shoppers for years...other malls had opened that were newer, offering better stores. Broadway Southwest had a department store in the mall that was a clearance center for their other locations. And this was my favorite store to shop at. We went to some other places, then headed home later that night, around 5 or 6.

The drive was normal, and there was not any sign of the accident that had happened earlier. Accidents in this stretch of road were normal, as people really didn't pay attention, tight curves, and blind turns. When I got home, though, that is when the happiness of going shopping suddenly changed to a somber reality.

I got a call from one of my friends. The accident on the road that day happened moments after we had passed through the same area on the highway. An older man driving up to Payson did not realize the road went from two lanes to one lane, and was attempting to pass another car. In his attempt he ran into another car heading south toward Phoenix, carrying 4 people. Of the four, 2 were killed at the scene, and 2 others were injured terribly. Had we left a few minutes later, no more than 5 minutes, that could have been us.

The sober reality was not the close proximity to where we were on the road, possibly seeing the car that caused so much destruction on the road...the sober reality was that the 2 people killed in the accident were my friends, Dustin and Edward. The 2 injured were my friends, Nicole and Jackie.

Dustin was someone I cared about very deeply. He was special in so many ways. His sense of humor, his sensitivity, and his intelligence were amazing. And just a few days before, I was in the car with Dawn, the same girl I drove to Phoenix with that day, while she cruised around town telling others how much she hated Dustin. At one point that evening Dustin would not talk to me due to being with her. They had dated for a while, and she felt the need to air out her indifference. I was in the car and guilty by association. My only communication with him on that evening was relayed by someone else "Please tell Dustin I am sorry, that I am not mad at him, and I hope he is okay."

Dustin was living with my friend Mike at the time. Mike was Edward and Nicole's brother. To lose a friend and a brother on the same day, and have a sister injured in the hospital was more than I could ever imagine. In looking at the car Dustin was driving that was impounded there was very little room between the car seat he sat in, and the steering wheel he was holding onto. No way he could have survived. After his death, Mike and I talked. I was so afraid Dustin thought I hated him when he died. So afraid my being with someone who treated him so poorly was the last thought he had of me before he died. Mike consoled me, telling me this was not the case, but none-the-less, it changed how I felt about Dawn, and the ability to be so hateful at times.

It was not the first time I had lost a friend.  It won't be the last time, as well.  As I grow older, the ability to heal is diminished, and eventually all those you know will pass.  But at the age of 18, you never imagine how precious life is, how fragile we truly are, and how intricate our bodies are by design.  You never realize that you will be going to a funeral for someone you loved that is the same age as you.  You never think about life in such a way because at that age, life is your oyster.  You don't see the dangers in things as you see it as an adult.  You don't realize how your actions can impact someone else, or how a kind word can change their day just as much as being guilty by association of hatefulness.  You don't see those things because you are a teenager who believes you have a whole life in front of you, ready for you to do great things, and think the adults in your life are just telling you tall tales to disrupt your fun.  Your life is school, getting out of school, and hoping your future is bright.  But when that is disrupted by the sober fact we will not all make it to the next day, it changes you in ways you never imagined.

That was  17 years ago today.  To think of all Dustin could have been is sometimes hard.  He had so many struggles in his life, but was such a great person.  He had this ability to make others smile that is rare.  And he was always singing "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes.  To this day it is hard to listen to that song without thinking about him, thinking of that time where we had little crushes on each other and kissed, or went camping together in the middle of January in the cold, staying up all night and going to a tiny diner in Payson at 2am.  They say that those you love are never gone as long as you carry them within your heart, remember them in big or small ways.  Tonight, I am remembering my friend Dustin Cenzano.  I am remembering Edward, and allowing their spirits to remain alive through me.

Storm

There are very few that may see my fears, even fewer who actually get my fears.  Some days I am intense, and need someone else to just listen rather than offer their opinions.  Other days I need those opinions and feedback.  Right now, those fears, those opinions, feedback...they all lead into this storm I am feeling.  Right now, I feel like I am drowning in all the emotions I am feeling, and there is no hand to reach for, no one to pull me up, no one to rescue me.  For all the faith I have in this world, and all the love I know I have, I feel very alone, very small, very frightened.  While I know things will be okay, it doesn't stop those feelings from being present, from showing their ugliness.

So many thoughts running through my head right now, and none of them that actually even make sense.  So many questions, what-ifs, and scenarios of what I should do now, in this moment I am in, and where I should go.  The only thing that seems to make sense is writing things out, getting my thoughts out.   I feel somewhat insignificant, and unable to clarify all those thoughts.  Talking to someone about how I am feeling really won't help.  At this point, I don't want to burden anyone with my thoughts when I cannot even think clearly.

I love the moments in my life, and I love the people that shape my life.  But my life, the moments within my life, the people who shape my life, all feels so blurry right now.  I know this life has much more to offer me, I just wish I could see when the storms I feel I have will pass, and the sun will be shining again.  I am tired of the rain cloud that seems to dominate my every mood.  I try my best each day, give of myself probably more than I receive in return. Some days I feel I give, and give, and give with very little in return.  It is not my objective to receive something in return, but when I am staring at my phone, needing to talk to someone, and unable to call the only person I really want to talk to, all the other numbers seem to be a huge pattern of numbers rather than a connection to the outside.

I keep wondering how long will things be like this?  At what point do I receive what I need, what I want?  If I am so deserving of great things, how come I have been in this struggle for so long, feeling that I am always living hand to mouth.  When I feel that slight bit of happiness it seems to run away from me as quickly as it can.  Whenever I feel I may be able to have those things I desire it seems they are more like castles in the sand, where the tide has rushed in and is gone quicker than anyone can imagine.  I keep searching for possibilities, and all I seem to find is the impossible.  And to me, when someone says something is impossible it means they just don't want to try.  They don't feel I am worth the investment of their time.  And it seems to be a constant theme.  At what point do I just surrender, give up, and move forward realizing that maybe I am not supposed to have someone to love me, maybe I am not supposed to have happily ever after.  Maybe what I have right now is all I will ever have.  Because in all those things I am told I deserve - they seem to escape me over and over.  I want so desperately to just break down, give up, and realize what I have been going through for so many years is what I will always have - loneliness.

So, I found this song today, and the lyrics seem to fit this mood.  Oddly enough, the song is called Storm. 

how long have I

been in this storm

so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

water's getting harder to tread

with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I'd see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and everything will be alright

I know you didn't

bring me out here to drown

so why am I 10 feet under and upside down

barely surviving has become my purpose

cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you

everything will be alright

if I see you

the storminess will turn to light

and I will walk on water

and you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

and I will walk on water

you will catch me if I fall

and I will get lost into your eyes

and everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

everything's alright

Just like heaven

Looking back on different moments, it is funny how I see things.  Moments that used to be filled with great sentimental value can sometimes get lost in translation days, months, or even years later.  What once was sentimental, holding a special place in your heart seemingly is replaced by other emotions.  It isn't that you don't still care about that moment; it is that your level of emotion has changed.

There are so many things I wish I could clarify right now.  So many moments I wish I could go back to, redefine what happened, and have a different outcome.  But for all the moments I wish I could redefine are more moments yet to come that may take me by surprise.  Sometimes 'happily ever after' is not intended for everyone, and right now that would include myself.  Sometimes we can destroy our own happy endings when confronted with something that terrifies us.  There is no right, no wrong.  We think a decision we are making is right for the right now, but sometimes in reflecting we realize it was wrong for the rest of our lives.  Sometimes you get a second chance, but more often than not you don't.  You only live with, and move forward from, the incredible sense of doubt and insecurities.  Today, my heart is filled with utter heaviness, and a great sense of unknown for what tomorrow may bring.  I want to crawl into my bed, put the covers over my head, and hide from the world.  I want to never let anyone into my heart of hearts, where my genuine soul exists.  Because when let in, it seems I only get hurt.

In trying to not let my heart be too greatly exposed, in attempts to protect myself as much as possible, parts of who I am have suffered.  Maybe it was that I yielded when I normally wouldn't.  Maybe it was that I became closed off, not letting anyone in for fear of being hurt once more.  The moment I am in right now is filled with so much regret, so much pain, and that feeling of being alone...again...And while I have known that great, vast feeling of being alone, it is worse when it is coupled with loneliness.

In the perfect world, I wouldn't have to feel this way.  In the perfect world, I would be able to expose my heart without fear of others exploiting it.  In the perfect world, I would not be so sensitive, and take everything to heart.  In my perfect world, it would be just like heaven where all is right, there is no pain, and only happiness dwells.

The band-aid effect

Today has been filled with so many up and down roller coaster emotions.  This has been going on for over a week now, and it seems each day brings another roller coaster line I am waiting in.  The questions of what I should do, what I should say, and not to mention the reaction toward what may come my way...too many things to even think about.  That indecision, that unknown sentiment that will be expressed by the person you want to be with, share moments with, and the fear of the band-aid...

It is that band-aid effect that has me feeling so upside down, right side up, and everywhere in between. I have been down that path where you have so much indecision it tears you apart.  I find myself unable to sleep, unable to focus, and the most simple of tasks seem like monumental achievements.  That feeling where you know something is off, and you are not sure what the next step should land because you can't feel the ground beneath your feet. That band-aid effect where you are waiting for the sting to come, so you prolong ripping the bandage off in the first place.

The bandages we place upon our hearts, those intended to protect us, can some times feel like the enemy.  Those bandages we use to heal can sometimes become a source of pain.  Often, the more bandages we use, the more sensitive we become. And the more sensitive I become, the more that roller coaster occurs.

I am not the strongest of persons.  I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, available and visible for the entire world to see.  It is not intentional, and I try to hid them as best I can, but sometimes that is not always possible.  Sometimes, regardless of how hard I may try, they are there.  And I appreciate honesty, sincerity, and heartfelt words that ease my fears.  But sometimes, again, that band-aid is there, and in the process of honesty, sincerity, and heartfelt words, there is the sting from the removal.  And the healing does not occur until days later when my thin skin has healed.

I pray tomorrow will offer sweet comfort, sweet relief, and the joy I want so desperately.  I pray tomorrow, and every day after, will only bring me the companionship I long for.  And I guess I won't know that until I get through tomorrow.  Hopefully the band-aid I fear will be nothing, and only soothing comfort will be there.

That little green monster

In all of us there lurks that little green monster...the one who shows up when we least expect it, and truly rears it's ugly head.  That little green monster of jealousy, envy, or desire for something we do not have.

It is amazing that the older I get, the more I run into this in all different scenarios.  There is the person at work who makes nasty comments toward others, while in their presence.  With no rhyme or reason for this, they decide that showing this side of themselves somehow makes them appear better than others, which, of course, is completely untrue.  Truth is, they lack the self-confidence to improve upon themselves, and instead make others appear ridiculous to increase their attractiveness.

There is the former friend who would belittle me in front of others...yes, I said former friend.  She would try to make me look bad or stupid for the sake of making herself appear superior.  It would come at the least known moments...moments where I was on a date with someone new, and she would attempt to make herself look better than me all while she sat next to her boyfriend.

Another friend who complains about not being included in situations she has purposely said she does not want to participate in, making others involved feel like they now need to bend over backwards to suit her.

The fact is, that little green monster can occur with scenarios listed above, or when we feel like we are not being included to the extent we would like.  There is no right or wrong in dealing with this.  The only thing we can do is focus on how we behave.

If we feel we are not on the same level or insecure around others, instead of berating another person, we should focus on investigating why we feel insecure.  Do we feel they are smarter than us?  Do we feel they know how to do something better than us?  Do we feel others like them more than us?  Once identifying those feelings, it is time to do something about it.  If you feel someone else knows more than you do, practice...learn and explore, and keep exploring.  Don't take out all your frustrations on others...you will never win this way.

If you feel you are left out or excluded, try to become more friendly and approachable.  Try going outside your own comfort zone and participate...you may be surprised at how much easier it is to enjoy your time at something you may not find as interesting, but recognizing the company is what is important.  Stepping outside my own comfort zones, doing something that helps to overcome those feelings is what will helps me to deal with the ugly green monster.  I will never know how to do everything that everyone else knows, but I can become a master of my own interests.  I may never be as pretty, as popular, or as polite as some others, but I can work on myself, learn what I do like about myself, and work on what I do not like, increasing my abilities to accept others instead of comparing or analyzing myself next to others.  And when I feel I am being a victim of someone else's monster, I have learned to just let things go.  There is no sense in attempting to understand or sometimes approach the issue.  Letting go, letting them discover on their own is much better in the long run.

You don`t know me

You give your hand to me
and then you say hello
And I can hardly speak,
my heart is beating so
And anyone could tell,
you think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
and longs to hold you tight
To you I'm just a friend,
and that's all I've ever been
No, you don't know me

For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
and then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
To never, never know the one who loves you so
No, you don't know me

Contemplations of the heart

One of my favorite books of the Bible is the Book of Ruth.  Maybe I like this part of the Bible due to Ruth also being my name - after all, there are not too many of us out there.  I remember reading this story over and over as a child, sitting in church, attempting to pay attention to what my father was talking about while giving his talks.  The number of times I have read this story are unknown. But the lessons of this story, and the meaning of my name, are the attributes I strive to live by.

The name Ruth is Hebrew for beautiful friend.  This may have been due to the woman in the Bible, and the methods in which she demonstrated her friendship with others, and her willingness to follow through with the Lord's plans for her, making difficult decisions along the way.  The condensed version of the story is as follows:

Ruth was a young woman, married to an Israelite living in her own country of Moab.  During this time, she watches her own husband die, along with her father-in-law and brother-in-law.  About this point, her mother-in-law, Naomi, decides to go home to Israel.  She requests Ruth go home to her family, to her people, to her God, and find happiness again.  She encourages her to marry again, and have a fruitful life.  Ruth could have agreed to this, but she decided to go a different path.  She recognized her mother-in-law as her family, and rather than turn her back on her husband's mother, she instead tells her:

"Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried. The LORD do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me." 

(Ruth 1:16–17 NKJV)

As a result, Ruth becomes a part of lineage that includes that of King David, her great-grandson.  How does a woman go from following her mother-in-law into an unknown land to being part of royalty?  Once moving, she meets Boaz.  With her mother-in-law's blessing, she marries Boaz, has a son, and begins a rich history in a book that is more than just a book to me.

Contemplations of the heart.  How easy would it have been for Ruth to stay where she was comfortable?  How much easier would it have been for her to never follow her mother-in-law into a new land of uncertain future, adopt a faith that was foreign to her, and discover her true calling?  How great is a love for someone that you willingly decide that regardless the outcome, they are worth the risk in leaving all that is familiar to set forth to an unknown destination?  The beauty of this woman is not who she became, but who she was willing to be.  Her willingness forever changed history for generations to come, and Biblical history so deeply important to many faiths around the world.  

I don't know if Ruth was fearful of her decision, and how her own family would feel. I don't know if she and Naomi discussed things greater than what is described within the pages of the Bible.  I don't know if there was great turmoil within her own heart at the decision to follow Naomi, or to stay with her people.  But I do know her actions, so eloquently described within the pages of the Bible, have spoken deeply to me over the years.  Her actions, so small at the beginning of following her mother-in-law, turned into such huge change within her life.  Her life was not easy - how can losing one husband be easy?  But she was able to trust with all her heart that her decisions were correct.  She moved in a fearless motion toward an uncertain future.

I am no Ruth of the Bible.  I have been unable to relinquish my own fears to set forth into destinations unknown.  While I did not lose my husband to death, I no longer have a husband.  And I love my mother-in-law, Kim, but I am not sure if I could have followed her to the foreign land of California.  But I aspire to be like her in so many ways.

Recently, I have been struggling greatly with decisions of the heart and mind.  And for some decisions, I am not the only person involved.  This makes the great contemplation I am feeling even more difficult than if it were a decision I could make on my own.  There are always others to consider in my life, and how that decision will impact their own lives.  

One of the hardest contemplations one could ever face is the contemplation of how to handle yourself in situations that DO involve your heart.  As a human, I want what I want, and sometime do not look outside that wall of my own belief to see a bigger picture through the window within the wall.  But I also have had serious times of prayer, deep reflection of what I think and feel would be best.

I make very little decisions without the prayer needed.  I am not impulsive, and definitely not adventurous with my heart where I will forgo all I know just on a whim.  In all things, I pray - whether that be out of praise for a wonderful day, help due to a painful day, or guidance for the steps I should take. My own contemplations of the heart, of what should be done, of where I should go from here, seem so much clearer after many tearful nights in prayer.  In my prayers, I do not ask for the selfish things I want, but rather the help to endure, and the ability to work with others in making the right decisions.  I am not feeling this decision I have already made in my heart as being selfish, but rather one of the only ways I will be able to move forward, and live the life I was intended and promised to have.  Now, I just have to make sure those decisions mirror that of the others it will include.

Moving forward in an uncertain time

We are never promised a road map in life.  This mystical road map that will guide you toward where you need to go, to help avoid issues or problems along the way.  We are not even offered a map...each one of us sets forth each day, on our own paths based upon decisions we have previously made, making new decisions for our next steps, and mostly hope what we decide is best for all involved.

I am currently on this path of uncertainty.  I know what I want, and am working toward that goal.  But there are many different variables that also impact my life that my prevent me from what I want. It is always the most difficult time when this also deals with my heart.

In my heart, I want to shout from rooftops that I am in this place of happiness based on being with someone who I find wonderful beyond belief.  I am with someone who can make me blush just at hearing his name.  His attention to detail, his wit, sense of humor, and intelligence help me strive to do better.

In my heart, I feel reborn with this relationship.  I am learning how to think in a more positive manner, how to understand better, and to be more supportive, and how to allow him in.  I am learning how to stand when it feels the world may crash around me without him beside me each day.  I am learning how to trust again, to feel emotions I have never allowed myself to have out of fear of abandonment or emotional backlash.

Never in my life did I think I would find someone on this earth who immediately calms my fears, gives me a sense of electricity in the air, and clarity.

Never did I think I would find someone who brings such joy into my life other than the joy brought by my children.  He brings such a sense of happiness when he walks into a room, smiles at me, or just glances at me that I have never felt before.

Never did I think I would also have that bittersweet knowledge that I am not able to see him on a regular basis.  I am not able to have dinner with him on a Thursday night - make plans for a Saturday afternoon - or help with something as simple as grocery shopping.  As I was reminded, each night I go to sleep alone.

When we are not together, there is a piece of me missing.  There is a hole in my heart that only fills when we are next to each other.  And for all the difficulties we face, it feels so much better when we are able to see the break of a new day together.  It is much more than chemistry - I feel as if I have met a person who simultaneously shares a thought with me without the need to say a word.  There have been times when I have said something to which he says "I was just getting ready to say that." Or, I have written about something within a blog or email that he has not seen and he brings the subject up.  In so many ways, for so many reasons, I feel this is the right person to trust with my heart, to trust with my life, and to love.  In being married, having other long term relationships, I have never felt that connection with someone else.

And, as everything must be in life, there is uncertainty of how we continue living 2,500 miles apart, have a relationship, and where we go from here.  In so much uncertainty, there are odd factors I have never felt before.  If asked, I would leave my own comfort zone to enter his, for no other reason than the belief that it was the right decision to make.  In the past, this has not been the case.  In the past, when contemplating a move, I told my then boyfriend I had no intentions of leaving the location I am living.

I never felt safe enough to leave my comfort zone for this other person, but with my guy I feel this very calming and peaceful feeling even at the contemplation of a move. I am ready and willing to make the necessary changes not due to the need to have a man in my life.  It is based upon the knowledge that  it feels like the right movement toward a path we can walk together. 

Time will tell, and hopefully our desire to be together will transcend concerns in a healthy matter.  Right now, the only thing I can do is say my prayers for us to be able to move forward, set goals, meet those goals, and be together.  Right now, I can only offer my support, be who I am, and continue to make strides for us to be together.

Be still, my heart

Be still, my heart

For this too shall pass

And all the hurts of today will only be 

A distant memory in the future

The tears that fall are only for the amount of love

We were able to give

The bruises will soon be gone, scars will heal

Allowing newness to once again enter in.

Be still, my heart

For this too shall pass

We've been down this road before

Always able to come out the other end

Our head may be weary

Our hands may ache for his touch

But in the end if he wasn't the best for us

Then why would we want to hold on again

Be still, my heart

For this too shall pass

This is only a slight detour

Where lessons were learned, joys were shared

Memories will always remain within your hallways

To be recalled once the pain has subsided again.

One day we will laugh again

One day we will love again.

Be still, my heart

For this too shall pass

Because as we have learned before

Nothing lasts forever

It is now time to pack up our bags, 

Say our goodbyes

Start to move onto the new horizon

And once again start over.

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

I know that my Redeemer lives;
When comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever living head.
He lives to bless me with His love,
He lives to plead for me above,
He lives my hungry soul to feed,
He lives to bless in time of need.
 

He lives to grant me rich supply,
He lives to guide me with His eye,
He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears,
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives, all blessings to impart.
 

He lives, my kind, wise, heav’nly friend,
He lives, and loves me to the end,
He lives, and while He lives I’ll sing,
He lives, my Prophet, Priest and King.
He lives, and grants me daily breath,
He lives, and I shall conquer death,
He lives, my mansion to prepare,
He lives, to bring me safely there.
 

He lives, all glory to His name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same;
O the sweet joy this sentence gives,
“I know that my Redeemer lives.”
He lives, all glory to His name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same;
O the sweet joy this sentence gives,
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”

Jar of Hearts

"Jar of Hearts" by Christin Perri

                                                        
We have all probably met those people in our lives that touch us in such a specific way, we never forget them.  Those people that taught us something we never knew about ourselves, or the world around us.  And 9 times out of 10, this is for the better...but as we have all met those people who have caused significant change for the betterment of our lives, it is that 1 out of 10 that caused scars upon our hearts.

Through no fault of anyone, this happens every day.  As much as we try to not have it happen, damage occurs and we are left feeling dazed and confused by the entire situation.  And most the time, this occurs within a relationship that started off so wonderfully, only to end so terribly.

For those who believe it is better to close your heart, never let anyone truly in, it is a very sad occurrence when you come across someone who is not only willing to love you, but also willing to accept you as you are.  For those who feel love is a game, or that those of the opposite sex are nothing more than pawns within your chess game of life, hopefully life will treat you kindly without restitution knocking on your door when you least expect.  Having someone in your life is not always a form of co-dependency, and hurting others will only serve for temporary gain, and never long-term satisfaction.

It would be nice if we could wear signs somewhere upon our bodies to describe who we are.  "Kind but shy," "Extroverted and seeking attention," "Warning - I will break your heart in two before we ever even say our first hello."  Life would be so much easier if we didn't have to find out the hard way if someone was going to hurt us.  But, how would we ever learn?  How would we be able to decipher between the great, the good, the so-so, and the terrible?  And how would we ever be able to learn from these people in such a way that creates a change in our world for better, and learn how to mend our hearts once broken?  For those who feel they have been taken advantage of, or abandoned,or mistreated - have hope, and don't give up on yourself. Find who you are, learn more about yourself and what your needs are.  This is the only way to avoid another "mistake" in the future because you will be able to see from a long distance the person standing in front of you is genuine or just another flake.

It seems there is always going to be that nice person who is deceived by the other who doesn't really care.  There is also always going to be that nice person who happens upon another nice person, and they fit together, like puzzle pieces or matched socks.  I happen to believe in the latter.

I was once asked if I thought there was someone out there for me?  Or if I thought I was destined to be alone for the rest of my journey on this planet.  I quickly told this person I did believe there was someone out there, able to handle me on my worst days, and cherish me on my best.  Someone who would recognize I am not perfect, but still love me for my imperfections; someone who accepted me as I was, and allowed me to change by my needs and not by theirs.  My heart has been bruised, battered, torn, and abandoned enough times to learn how to appreciate when I feel I am appreciated, loved, and cared for.  And for each bruise upon my heart, I have learned to not allow myself to dwell on the pain.  There is only so much I can take before I become sick of my own self-pity and need a change of pace.  For each tear, I have learned how to sew the tear, find a way to open another path to my heart, and allow someone new into my heart without punishing them for the past mistakes made by others.  I refuse to allow my heart to become shrunken by defeat or the actions of others.  I refuse to allow my heart to lie within a jar upon someone else's trophy shelf of relationships.

When heartbreak is even harder

I remember my first heartbreak, of realizing I liked someone more than they liked me.  It was such a crushing feeling.  I remember feeling so foolish for all my daydreaming about what it would feel like to hold his hand, or to have him call me on the phone.  He was my pastor's son, Matthew.  All the girls had a crush on him, and he was as cute, and nice.  He didn't feel the same, and I had to face every Sunday knowing I had made a fool of myself.  Even after moving, my family would still occasionally visit the church, and it felt like I was in 6th grade, all over again.  I even ran into him at college one day, not knowing we were attending the same school.  By that point, there was only the sting of what had happened, and not fresh wounds.  He was never rude to me, it was more on my own that I had these awkward feelings.  And for each new crush I would think of Matthew, and each new time someone didn't like me, I felt that same awkwardness...little did I know that those feelings would happen over and over again.  

So, as to protect my heart, I tried like a fool to just get over it, move on, and not let it bother me.  And in the process, I became incredibly shy when it came to liking someone new.  To this day, I probably would not go up to someone and say something to the effect of 'Are you busy Friday night?'

In the current relationship I am in, I knew I had a crush before anything was ever said to him about my feelings. In fact, had he not kissed me first I would have just liked him from afar, and wallowed in my own misery whenever I thought about him, talked to him, or he happened to be in the same city as me.  

It is in those earliest memories we form some sort of realization that maybe not everyone likes us.  Maybe we are to the other person an equivalent of the opposite they are looking for.  Maybe we can't express what it is that they didn't like, but it hurts none the less.  Those earliest memories of a childhood heartbreak are often the hardest to get over, and the ones so much more remembered than the guys we thought about as an adult.  

My son told me the other day he had a crush on a girl at school.  In asking my advise, I had to remind him to be himself, to be nice (but not too nice to creep her out), to show his interest in her (but not to the point she felt he was staring at her all day in class).  She is in his reading and math groups at school, he let her win a game of hoops, she asked him to dance with her at the Friendship Dance 3 weeks ago.  She laughed at his jokes.  And yesterday, he was so excited to tell me that he told her he liked her...and she said she liked him.  Then today, after he asked her out, she declined.  

He came home after school, went into his room, laid on his bed, and was very upset.  To add to the wonders of childhood crushdom, his friends found out he had asked her out, and she said no, and he is now being teased.  

I have had many heartbreaks over the years, plus a divorce.  I have dated someone for 5 years only to be told he didn't think I was 'the one'.  But never, in all my heartbreak, have I felt so bad as I do right now for my son.  My son, the one who tells people I am 23 because that is my fake age.  My son, the one who helps me out without question, asks if I am okay when I cough or sneeze, and watched me suffer through my own heartbreaks as much as I tried to not let him see.  This is surely when heartbreak is even harder - when one of the people you would do anything in this world for is suffering, and not old enough to know things will be okay.  But, in the end, I am not sure that has an age - that knowledge that tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, and carry on with or without you.  It is better to be in the day, soldier on, so to speak, and not let those who taunt you see you are upset.  It is better to still remain friendly with the person who has torn your heart out, allowing them to possibly see they made a mistake, but what's more - showing you are the same decent person you were before your world crashed, only a bit more bruised by ego.