My new year just became a little brighter

The past few days have been like a merry-go-round roller coaster of not knowing if what I wanted, and what I desired would actually be realized.  I kept looking for signs or signals to let me know the future looked bright.  I kept my spirits up, and tried to not allow any pessimism to knock on my door.  I have learned the importance of positive thinking, prayers, and work for your desires are always needed when you truly want something.

Tuesday was not that great of a day between family issues and thoughts that my guy may not make it to Phoenix in time for New Year's Eve, much less the Fiesta Bowl where UConn will be playing Oklahoma. Flights were analyzed, cost was calculated, and hope was always in tact.  Wednesday came with the hopes of a flight out of JFK at 6:30pm that were quickly dashed on Thursday when it was discovered the flight was oversold, and he was #22 on the standby list.  Thursday afternoon we started talking about flights going to San Diego then onto Phoenix.  Friday, today, started off with his drive to JFK on the hopes of getting out on standby, phone issues, flight from San Diego to Phoenix purchased while not truly knowing if he was even going to get to San Diego.  And then, the finale of his calling me, letting me know he was able to get on, and was on his way.

With all the ups and downs, should I's, maybe we could's, and what if's, the fact he was able to get off the ground in New York astounds me.  We are truly blessed to be in the situation we are in at this very moment, and able to be together on New Year's Eve, able to attend Fiesta Bowl together, and able to spend time again with one another against the odds of weather, canceled flights, snow, and frustration.  I feel so overwhelmed right now with gratitude to the Lord who allowed us to see our hopes as realizations, and the opportunities he is providing for us to spend time together.

Throwing my hands up is all I can do

 
So, today has been quite the day of one roller coaster loop after another...

It started off as any other day; nothing noteworthy or extraordinary.  Last night was filled with lack of sleep, getting a friend at the airport, a text message regarding my kids seeing their dad this weekend, but nothing that seemed too impossible.  Whenever something happens that seems impossible I always look for another option; the only thing you can do is press forward and not wallow in the depths of despair.  But there was a brief moment this morning where I wished I could have called in sick to life...wonder what the HR manager of Life would have said!

The day started with me getting to work and realizing the files I was running over night failed to completely run.  This is not too much of a problem - I had to restart the project I was working on, but that is nothing new.  From there, I made sure I had everything set for the upcoming weekend as follows:

Flight from New York booked (confirmed last night)................CHECK

Tickets to Fiesta Bowl confirmed.............................................CHECK

Text message from sister-in-law about kids' trip...................FAIL

Flight from New York no longer as it seemed.......................FAIL

Files running successfully and completing at work..................FAIL

Maybe I should start from the beginning of some of this story.  My kids were supposed to go to California to see family with their Grandpa Bill this weekend.  They were unable to go before Christmas due to some health issues with a family member they were unable to go, however.  Plans changed, and enter Grandpa Bill.  My sister-in-law Krista texted last night that Grandpa Bill was sick and not going out.  I let her know we would figure something out, and was determined for the kids to get to see the family this weekend by driving out for the trip myself.  My other sister-in-law, Arin, texted me this morning saying the trip would not be wise due to other things going on and obligations that were in place before Grandpa Bill became sick.  I lost it.  I am not ashamed to say that if I could have, I would have been in a ball on the floor.

Why would I lose it?  What would make me feel so helpless that I would allow a situation to control me in such a way?  Simply put, I was now in the situation of telling my kids again they would not see the family during the holidays.  And then, from there, it was a downward spiral effect.  Every visit the kids have to see their family and their dad is usually planned by my sisters-in-law and me.  There is really no involvement or initiation of contact by my ex-husband.  I try to make sure the kids come out, see their cousins, see their grandparents, aunties and uncles, and their dad during the summer, and also during the holidays.  Each time this arrangement is made, everyone has to bend over backwards, try to make sure the kids are taken care of, and see their dad...meanwhile it feels he just is along for the ride.  And I made a very definite clarification - he may say he misses them, but his obligation to seeing them, or even desire to seeing them, is less than lackluster.  If seeing his kids on Christmas were so important, he would have made sure the arrangements were made.  He would have even called the kids to say "Merry Christmas" instead of relying upon a call from us.

So, I attempted to call him.  I will no longer be making these arrangements.  If he wants to see his kids, he will need to start the process instead of letting the process come to him.  He was not available, and I was only able to leave a message.  So, I called Arin back.  I was so frustrated, so upset, and so tired.  I have been doing this parenting thing pretty much by myself the entire time I have been a parent.  And for this, I have worked through issue after issues, fought to not be angry, bitter, or otherwise unpleasant due to how life has turned out.  But in lack of any type of need presented by him to see his kids, or thought of planning a visit for them to come out and doing the legwork, I feel taken advantage of.  I do not receive any help from him, and this is just another layer in the onion peel I must peel back on my own.  Truly, it is not anyone's fault or blame that the kids are not coming out - there are other issues at hand that need to be addressed for the majority, and my kids are in the minority.

The next thing that happened is really not even a frustration, just one of those things you wish you could snap your fingers at to improve.  This week, the east coast saw a blizzard like storm pass through.  With that storm, airports were shut down, planes were canceled, and the world now needs to catch up for lost time.  This is not helpful when you want to see the person you are with more than anything for New Year's Eve, but weather, flights, and expense are in your way.  He was all set to come out, until the flight he wanted was booked.  In attempting other arrangements it was discovered that the cost to come to Phoenix from New York would be hefty. Tickets for the Fiesta Bowl may be used without him, and I may not have that midnight kiss on New Year's Eve.  I do hope that flying standby proves to be successful, if that is what he decides to do.  The only thing that can get him here is prayer, and the work of God making his passage.

And all of this happened within the span of 15 minutes today...15 minutes is all it takes, it seems, to unravel my day and turn it upside down.  I still have hope for him to make it here, and will be feverishly praying for this to occur.  I have lost hope that the kids will see their family though.  That seems to be a cause that was long lost but something I was foolishly believing in.

2010 "Firsts"

Emi, Ty and Ryan at Newport Beach

As 2010 draws to a close, and I am thinking back on all the things I either accomplished, achieved, or otherwise performed, I was awestruck at the number of new things I had tried.  I am not really one for change.  I have been known to fight change so much, I remain in the same patterns out of comfort rather than seeking something better.  That is not true of 2010.

This is the year I was able to find another job, get an interview, and leave my position at a company in which I had created a training platform used to instruct hundreds of end-users for a new job.  This was the year I was able to see new cities, try new foods, and meet new people.  So, below are some of the "firsts" I encountered along my journey through 2010.

Professional "Firsts"
I am not sure if this is necessarily a true first, but there was enough time that elapsed from one interview to the next (almost 5 years) in which I went through the process of submitting a resume, went through a phone interview, a traditional sit-down interview, and was called a few short hours later to learn I was being job-offered.  With the new job, I have learned how to use a new software program, deal with different applications and programs necessary for the company I work for, and most recently how to build media appliances for clients.

Sushi from Love Boat, San Diego California

Food "Firsts"
This is the year I tried calamari (I didn't enjoy this too much), and tried sushi again - and loved it.  I didn't go wild and crazy with my sushi experiences, I do enjoy the tuna and salmon variety. 

Housing "Firsts"
This year, I had to move from a 4 bedroom house to a 3 bedroom townhouse.  We downsized, and along with that came the moments of searching for a new place, researching neighborhoods, measuring distance, and attempting to move on Mother's Day where I was absolutely exhausted and just wanted to have peace and quiet.  Before moving, I was able to get a new hightop dining table as a Christmas present, and purchase a new sofa after running all over town in search for the perfect design.

Travel "Firsts"
This is the year I went to San Diego for the first time, and was able to see how beautiful the city is in the summer time.  After the first visit, I have been back 3 other visits for my own personal reasons.  Each time I am always so amazed at how much I like the city, what it has to offer, and the beauty of it's architecture / landscape / scenery.  On one of my trips I went to the Miramar Airshow - another first for me.

Rockefeller

I went to New York City and Connecticut for the first time.  I was lucky enough to go back east 3 times, saw the Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, and the sights on a beautiful September day.  I went when the leaves were changing colors, and getting ready to fall.  I went again when the leaves were almost fully changed, and found myself on a train and subway system to New Jersey to see a basketball game.  Most importantly, though, I was able to see these sights with someone I care about.


Sports "Firsts"
I was able to attend spring training games as my birthday gift for 5 games in a row!  This, along with the other games we attended in March met an all time high for number of spring training games I attended in a single season.

Luis Gonzales Number Retirement Ceremony

I was able to see several games at Chase Field again, including the number retirement ceremony for Luis Gonzales.  I also went to a game in San Diego at Petco Park which marked the first regular season baseball game I had been to outside of Chase Field.

Even though it is mentioned in the Travel section, this year was my first year to also attend a regular season NBA game outside of US Airways Arena while we were in New Jersey.  It was probably one of the best basketball games I have been to.

Family "Firsts"
This year, the kids and I adopted our first dog, Wendy.  We also took several trips together to California as a family for the first time since 2004.  It was the first year of Emberleigh being a teenager, and of Tyler developing his sense of humor into that of an adult. 

This is the first year 2 of my brothers became engaged at nearly the same time.  My baby brother Ray is engaged to be married to Emily.  My brother-in-law, Preston, is engaged to be married to Miho.  Both are great additions to our family, and we are excited to officially have them as family, even though they are already considered that without any legal papers.

It was also the first year in many that we were able to reconnect, and spend time with old friends.  This is by far one of the nicest aspects of our year.

Things NOT to write in a Christmas card, Part 2

I am a very forgiving person.  I tend to believe that it is better to call a cease fire rather than continue a fight not worth fighting.  I try to be nice to other people as often as I can, and attempt friendship with my ex-husband and ex-boyfriends if I can.  I figure the only person I am hurting in continuing the saga of what went wrong would be me.  There is an exception to this rule, however.  And that exception would be when someone hurts you so badly, and you have made every effort to avoid them, yet they come back for more.  If I am not initiating the contact of hatred, but moving on, why continue the contact on a holiday?

Last year I received the most absurd Christmas card from my ex-boyfriend.  If you look back in my other posts from November, you will find a post called "Things NOT to write in a Christmas card" in which I write about what this Christmas card actually said.

And what would my Christmas, 2010 be without another message from this idiot?  Oh, I guess I will not know until next year, because in lieu of a card this year, I received a text message.

Michael Kolb:  "Merry Christmas Ruthe Anne Lane"

Really?  That is what you think is socially acceptable at this point? After cheating on me, lying to me, lying about me, getting me in trouble at work, being told I was like cancer due to my bad attitude at work, and me not working there for 9 months, this is socially acceptable?  This is what you think is somehow okay in your messed up mind?  And to top it off, you use my full name?  You use this gesture on a day that should be filled with love, peace, and good will to all men?  I am sorry, my good will ran out when you nearly sent me to the loony bin.  Really, for 2 Christmas seasons in a row I could have gone without even a simple hello from you, much less any other type of communication.  Quite simply, I feel this person is of the most dangerous types of people to encounter - those that do not get the destruction they cause to others but feel the need to reinforce contact at the most inopportune times.

Initially when I received the message I was on the phone with the sister of my current person I am dating.  The blow did not happen until after I got off the phone and saw his message.  I started laughing that incredulous "Can you believe this?" laugh that you only get when seeing something so unbelievable you wonder if it is true.  Yep - it was true.  I went through my texts I sent earlier in the day to my family and friends, wondering if I had sent one to him by accident.  Nope.

I wanted to send him a scathing message telling him I hope he suffers from scurvy (do people suffer from that still?), or some other type of terrible occurrence that would offer as much pain physically to him as he created within my heart.  I knew this year, in not working for the same company I would be able to reply to him, and not live to regret it Monday morning with a write up in the company President's office (as what had happened in the past when I didn't even stand up for myself, but stayed a good 10 feet away from him at all times...who knew you could be written up for staying away from someone rather than create drama?)

In true fashion for what I did last year when receiving his card, I called my friend Jessica.  

Jessica said it was my opportunity to let him have it.  After all, he cheated on me, lied about everything under the sun to me, and proceeded to jeopardize my job and sanity at the same time.  

Another friend said he was on vacation with his parents and Johanna - the girl who claimed to be a best friend at one point, but then decided to start a relationship with Michael while we were still together.  Some friend.  

So, wait, let me get this straight - not only have I not talked to him unless forced to in the past 18 months, quit the company we both worked for and was able to not talk to him for the past 9 months, he decided to send me a text wishing me merry Christmas while on vacation with his family and the girl he cheated on me with?  Wow, class act.

Of course, Jessica had her own thoughts about what I should send this idiot.  When sending a possible option of "Do not text me again after the hell you put me through both personally and professionally" to her, she came back with this possible option:

"Mike, a text is not required now that we do not work together.  We are not friends.  Your guilt is not reason to send me a half ass text.  Please respect my wishes - do not text me again, jackass."

My other friend said I should just keep it simpler.  Either don't text back, or text back "Do not text me again"

In the end, I texted him, being an idiot, the following:

"Mike, a text is not required now that we do not work together.  

We are not friends. Do not ever text me again."

To all the guys out there who have hurt someone by cheating, lying, or a significant combination of both, please take this to heart and head when attempting to do such a jackass thing as this idiot...DON'T CONTACT US.  We not only do not wish to hear from you - we would prefer to think you do not exist in the planet any longer.  We not only do not want to hear from you, we loathe the ignorance on your behalf in thinking a card or text message is in order, and the audacity of sending such ludicrous items not only reinforces our need to extinguish you from our lives, but also the entire universe.  I have plenty of other friends and family I want to hear from; you not being one of them.  So as if you were a telemarketer - put us on the Do Not Call or Contact Ever Again list.  You will save time and frustration on behalf of both parties.  The time I wasted in replying back to this idiot is time I could have spent doing something else - like cleaning my toilet or picking up my dog's poop. 

Simple things mean more than anything

This week has been full of emotion for me.  Every Christmas is filled with this.  There are moments where I feel so enthusiastic about the season.  Then, like a train wreck occurring within my heart and mind, it quickly changes to melancholy bah humbugs for all!

This year has been filled with so many wonderful and terrifying experiences.  I have been so blessed to have second chances at embracing a new relationship instead of being terrified to even try. I have been so blessed to step out and find new opportunities within the professional and personal realms of my life.  And for this, I have also suffered heartache and heartbreak.  A friend told me the other day I had enough occur in 2010 it was like I had lived several years in one.  In all those moments, it has always been simple moments where I am with my kids, my family, my friends, my "lad" that have meant the most to me.  In those small moments where if you are not paying attention you may miss what is surrounding you.

Christmas within our current society makes me incredibly sad.  Once a time to spend moments with our families, it now seems it is about the BBD - Bigger, Better Deal.  We are searching for the bigger gift that can clutter the homes of those we are purchasing for.  We have lost the sense of reality, attempting to spend beyond our means all in the name of the season.  We have become individuals more concerned about the holiday baking, wrapping, and decorating than we are with the people we are doing these actions for.

I am one of those people who believes something I can make from my heart is worth more in the eyes of the receiver than the dollar amount attached. This concept may not always be shared with those receiving my gift, but it is my way of sharing with them how important they are to me - my time, my hands, my mind, and my heart all being used to encompass what they are to me.  Simply put - simple things mean more than anything to me.

And to this simple girl who just wants to have her family and friends happy, to find happiness herself, to discover love, joy, and peace within all her actions, I would implore anyone reading this to also do the same.  Hug your loved ones until they let you go.  Never forget to kiss the love of your life every night, regardless of how rough the day was.  Never forget to say thank you when someone opens a door for you, offers to help you, or does something beyond your wildest dreams.  Never forget to love each day for what it brings you, but not dwell on yesterday, or focus too much on what tomorrow may bring.  Love each other in a way that echos from every wall within your home, and saturates the air.  This is what Christmas should be like - this is what we should all strive to have within our daily lives the other 364 days of the year.  Simple things that change our hearts from callousness to thankfulness.

Pet peeves

So, we all have our own little pet peeves that someone else may do that increases our blood pressure a bit.  That is part of the game when you are human, and allow others into your life.  This allowance may be by choice through friends, by birth with family, or by professional means through work.  Regardless of where you meet someone, there are times when you wish you could scream at the top of your lungs "Seriously?  Are you kidding me?  STOP IT!"

I have a few pet peeves...probably more than some, but also maybe less than others.  For example - I think if you are using the restroom, washing your hands should be an automatic reaction.  Yet, there are people who think this is an option, and not an option they choose to do.  They walk out of the bathroom with their germ-ridden hands touching everything on their way out...they may as well have just violated the bathroom instead of actually using the toilet to achieve the same level of filth.

Another pet peeve - people who say they will call and don't.  If you say you are going to call me back I believe you.  When you don't call me back it introduces misguided distrust in our relationship, regardless of who you are to me.  If you don't want to talk, tell me.  If you don't want to waste your time in dialing my 10 digits, please let me know as to not waste my time waiting for your call back.

Another pet peeve are people who expect me to be okay when they run over my toes while pushing a stroller.  Come on - I have kids...I know it is a pain to walk around with those contraptions.  But, I do not ever remember it being okay to run over someone while they are standing still, then act repugnant toward them.

People who talk with their mouth full while in a professional setting.  Really, if I wanted to know what you had for lunch, I would ask you later.  I don't need to see you chewing the food, talking with your mouth full, and spraying tiny morsels as you speak.

I don't like when someone says they will do something, and then blatantly decide to not do the same something they said they would do.  Of course, this would be in alliance with the whole saying you will call thing.  I would rather you say no in the beginning than get my hopes up in thinking you are helping.

I have a strong disdain for people who talk badly of another's religion, political ideas, or experiences.  Last I checked, I live in the USA.  This offers me freedom to speak my mind, choose my religion, politics, and have my own experiences.  I don't force my opinions on you, so please do not force your opinions upon me.

I also really do not like snotty-faced spoiled people who really do not think past what will happen to them.  I loathe those individuals who believe I am just here to service them while they are fully capable of doing things on their own.  You have two hands, two feet, and a mind...use them and quit taking advantage of others.  There is no need to act like you are the center of the universe with millions and millions of other people who also exist on this planet.

I can't help but feel extreme distaste for others who simply complain about every little detail of their lives when they are so blessed.  We are all lucky to be alive, to experience love, joy, and yes even a little pain every now and then.  If you are so busy complaining all the time, how do you recognize goodness standing right in front of you.

What makes a man a father or grandfather

My children have a plethora of grandparents.  In total count, there are 3 grandmothers, 4 grandfathers and a Pam.

I come from a family where my parents are still married, and have not been married to anyone else.  My maternal grandparents were together until my grandfather passed away in 1981, and my grandmother never remarried.  My paternal grandparents were divorced shortly after my father was born, and subsequently my grandfather was not part of the family any longer.  My grandmother remarried my step-grandfather, Jim, and  they had my uncle but later divorced.  She passed away in 1977 - not long after I was born. While I met Jim, we were not close to him.  He was a great grandfather to my uncle's kids, and would send cards to us at Christmas, but we were not taking family vacations to visit.

Growing up, I never had the awkwardness of sharing time between families as my kids must do now. Their family tree is a confusing tangle of branches. My ex-husband's parents, Kim and Dale, have both been married 3 times each.  With each marriage my mother-in-law has had, the person is included in our family.  Her second husband is Grandpa Bill.  Her third husband is Grandpa Robert.  Due to the divorce between Bill and Kim, there was another marriage, resulting in another grandmother of sorts, Kathy.  Dale remarried, and his third wife is Pam.

Truth be told, the men who were married to Kim after her divorce to Jared's father have shown more attention to my children than Jared's father, Dale, has.  Grandpa Bill and Grandpa Robert have been a part of the kids' lives in a much more active role than Dale.  From birth, my father along with these men have been there for birthdays, holidays, held the kids when they were toddlers, attended school events, and did more than simply send a card every 5th Christmas and birthday.

I don't mean to seem critical of Dale.  There are many reasons why the lack of communication has effected his grandchildren.  There are many rifts in the family between Jared, Dale, myself, and everyone else.  Tyler, being the only person in the family to pass along the last name, did not receive a birthday card from Dale until he was 7.  Hard feelings and stubborn hearts can often cause people to say, do, and show things differently.  And my children must suffer in some ways due to this.

My children do not know most of what rifts occurred before or after their births.  I have maintained separation of adult and child scenarios that they do not need to be privy to.

Grandpa Bill and Tyler

Auntie Arin and Grandpa Robert

Grandpa Bill and Emi

What always strikes me, however, about the 3 active grandfathers in their lives is the choice, the decision, and the desire to maintain a relationship.  It is not always easy to do this, and for their efforts, I am forever grateful.  These men have chosen to pick up where someone else has either left off, or failed to even show up.  They have loved my children regardless of issues with someone or something else.  They have taken care of them while they were sick, took interest in them as individual people, and watched them develop into the people they are today.  They have not allowed outside influences to determine their level of attention, level of interaction, or level of love to be swayed.

The sum of what friendship should contain

If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  

If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  

If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  

If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  

But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.  

~Author Unknown

It is one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person - our gift of friendship.  This is not for the faint of heart, however.  True friendship requires work, patience, love, celebration, compassion, and forgiveness at all times.  It is not a one way street we travel in the pursuit of friendship, rather a bustling highway of exchanges, on and off ramps, and always respect for those we choose to call our friends.

Friendship is the opportunity for us to learn about ourselves through someone else's eyes, ears, and heart.  It is the opportunity to seek out advise when needed, an embrace when required, and to share our thoughts, dreams, ideas, and fears with someone we entrust with our hearts.  We do not surround ourselves with those we would not want to be like; we, instead, choose our friends based on what we would like to be, what we appreciate, and what we find lovely. The sum of what friendship should contain would always include the need to share, the need to love, and the need to accept regardless of the circumstance at hand. 

In friendship, we offer our biggest commodity known to us - the commodity of our time.

Friendships require a different approach to life than other relationships we may form throughout our years on this planet.  While our relationships with families may seem, at times, to be out of obligation, our friendships are there by our pure desire to know someone else.  

Growing up, I was the only daughter/sister in my household.  My three brothers had each other to learn from, to form a bond with, and to establish guidelines of play, rough-housing, and social interaction with.  They were friends from birth, at points they were each other's biggest enemies. Not having this union of sorts with a sister, I searched for this from outside sources.  While my mother was a wonderful mother, she was not my friend, not going through the same experiences as I was going through, and needed to be my mother.  Due to this, I found friends to fill the void of sistership.

I have looked at my friends as sisters throughout the years.  From the earliest times I can remember in elementary school, I have been blessed with friends who not only have accepted me for who I was, but also offered a glimpse of their hearts to learn from.  My oldest friends are those with whom I can call after several months of busy days, and not miss a beat in conversation.  There is no apologies for not calling - we recognize that the world does not revolve around when or how often we talk; it revolves around the desire to maintain contact as time passes.  These are the people who would not bat an eye if I called in the middle of the night if some terrible event has occurred in my own life, and in return I would not bat an eye if they called.  These are the people I call first if something wonderful has happened to share my news.  

My friends range from elementary school friends, middle school/high school friends, those met in college, in the work place, and those who have entered my life due to a relationship, a marriage, or the relationships of my family.  

I am blessed to have my friends/sisters to include Arin, Krista, and Jessica that I only know due to my marriage, and divorce.  I am blessed to have witnessed them growing up from teen-aged girls excited to get their driver's licenses to seeing them become mothers, wives, and successful individuals each in their own right.  


I am blessed to have friends from high school who witnessed my bad clothing decisions, boy heartbreaks, awkward growing up moments, bad haircuts, and goofy silliness.  I feel so lucky to remember our times before we were worried about everything that we worry about now...when things were simpler, and talking on the phone for hours was the most important aspect of our friendships even though we had seen each other all day at school.


My friends have been there for me every step of the way.  Holding my hand if I was scared, offering me forgiveness if I made a mistake, sharing moments of graduations, weddings, births of children, even divorce and the willingness to help me pick up the pieces of my life.  They have rarely turned me away if I was in need of help, and never forgot to offer words of encouragement when I felt my world was crashing around me.  They have offered the most valuable commodity of not just their time, but also their hearts.  And while I always feel I fall short on what I can offer, I never have been alone.

To all those I call friend, or sister, I love you and would not be the same person I am today without your influence, without your kindness, and without your love.  I hope you always feel my gratefulness to all you have given me, regardless if we have known each other 1 year, or 23 years.

My Christmas wish was answered this year

There are several posts regarding Christmas that I have written.  'Tis the season I suppose.  In one of my posts I had mentioned I wanted to have someone special with me here, Christmas Day, to spend time with him.  That, however, has changed.

My wish, regardless of the actual date, was answered.  And despite the date on a calendar, it was the most wonderful Christmas I have had in a while.  My family was not close to me, which would have topped off the most wonderful experience, but I was able to spend a few wonderful days with that one person I wanted to be with other than family.

I can not even begin to describe how warm, how exciting, and how relaxing my time was while in San Diego.  We spent our time together experiencing moments that shared with him, with his mom and her husband.  We fed giraffes and rhinos. We spent time together while driving, while sharing dinner, and while watching a movie.  To see his face light up in exuberance at these moments creates a smile on my face the whole world is able to see, and wonder about.

Each time I spend time with him, I find myself falling for him more and more.  It is the way he strokes my hair, lightly touches my face, looks at me, shows affection toward me in front of his family that sincerely my heart sing from the mountain tops. It is the way he has the innocent face of a child in experiencing new moments, it is the way he touches my hands, or hugs me that makes my heart melt.  These moments have reawakened senses I have not felt in a very long time.  And while our time together is always shorter than I would like, it is the smallest of moments that help me continue in the desire to be with him more and more.

And it is within these moments that, once over, make me miss him even greater than before.  Once again, I watched him off at the airport.  Fighting back tears, I was left behind the security gates only to wave and blow a kiss his way.  It was not until I was alone again, in my car, driving from the airport, did I allow myself the tears I so desperately wanted to shed while in his presence.  I don't see him as another person; I see him as a gift in my life - something to be treasured, taken care of, and nurtured as often as needed, and on a regular continuous basis.

And, as is my usual way of reflecting on a moment and searching for a method to express this moment outwardly, I found the lyrics below that describe just how I feel at this moment.

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn´t think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can´t explain.
so would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you

I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow, next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I´m wasting away.

I know I´ll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care.
and, I miss You.

2010 Countdown - Favorite moments

Since 2010 is coming to a close, I thought I would count down my favorite moments that occurred this year.

10.  Finding a new job (April, 2010)
  9.  Leaving my previous job (April, 2010)
  8.  Spring Training / Birthday extravaganza (March, 2010)
  7.  Getting a dog (August, 2010)
  6.  Trip to visit family in California (July, 2010)
  5.  Trip to New York City, Connecticut (September, 2010)
  4.  Enjoying sushi for the first time (July, 2010)
  3.  Seeing fall leaves in New England (October, 2010)
  2.  Being spontaneous to cancel trip to New York and go to San Diego for 2nd time (July, 2010)
  1.  1st trip to San Diego for other many firsts that occurred during that trip(July, 2010)

Frustrations

There are times I love being able to connect to others so instantaneously.  It is nice to be able to pick up the phone and call someone.  It is nice to be able to communicate to someone via chat or email, even text.  But there are other times when those methods of communication only seem to enhance my frustrations with the outside world, and those I am attempting to reach.

Nothing is more frustrating that attempting to contact someone who is out of contact at the moment.

I know there are some people who may not mind not hearing from another living soul at times.  I, however, am not part of this sect.  I am part of the sect where I enjoy talking to certain people every day.  I don't feel this is a character flaw, but simply my desire to feel connected to them in some way.  I enjoy hearing about a person's day, no matter how ho-hum they feel it may have been.  It is not the fact that you feel life is boring, or you repeat the same actions every day, so why would I be interested in that...no, I am interested and enjoy this because I care.

I care enough to actually pick up the phone and ask how your day was.  I care enough to answer the phone when you call me.  I care enough to reply to text messages as soon as I am able to.  And I care enough to read your emails and send a response.

While others may be unfamiliar with the concept of caring, I take joy in the fact that I do care.  I want to communicate with you, to laugh with you, and to share in your moments of success, commiserate in your moments of apparent defeat.

I am frustrated at this moment, and wonder why I would care to know about another's day when others clearly do not care enough to answer the phone, send a text, or show interest.  I don't know how to turn off the caring aspect of my heart, and if I could, I may save myself from the moments where I have the awkward realization I am really just becoming an embarrassment.

So, note to self, thank you for all the wonderful moments.  Thank you, heart of mine, for always looking at others with unexpected forgiveness.  But, I feel defeated myself, and if anyone bothers to call me back don't be expected if you receive my voice mail...I may also want to feel disconnected for a bit from you.

The midst of our storms

 

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm 

~ Casting Crowns

In our most joyful of moments it is easily forgotten how to offer praise to our Heavenly Father, thanking him for all the blessings He bestows upon us.  In our most painful moments, however, when we are down on our knees, praying for the storm to pass quickly, then we call upon Him, hoping he will hear our anguish.  Why is this?  Why are we so forgetful in times of a bountiful supply of goodness do we fail to embrace the One who created us, gave us life, and formed us with an intelligent intricate design of His image?

We are instructed to call upon Him in all moments of our life, offering thanksgiving for what we are going through.  This is much easier when we are experiencing joy - when we are allowing ourselves to recognize the goodness in our lives.  Such is the same when we feel our world is crashing around us.  We are to offer thanksgiving during these times - thankful we are learning from our experiences if nothing else. 

Yet, we are small and easily distracted by the joy and sorrow we often times forget to show our appreciation.  

Casting Crowns has a song that each time I hear it takes me to so many levels of my life. In the minutes it takes for the group to sing the lyrics I am reminded of great moments of joy and sorrow I have experienced.  There have been dark moments in my life when the song has come on, and I am in my car shedding full tears of shame for how I treat the Lord in times of happiness and sorrow.  Every time I have felt alone, yet He has been beside me, waiting to offer me the hand up I need, waiting to embrace me with His love, His power, His strength.  Every time I have felt I did not deserve goodness in my life, He has been there to remind me I am His beautiful daughter, given every opportunity to live the life He has offered me.  A life filled with His promise, His love, His delight in my praise.

I don't image the Lord of all Lords sitting on His high seat, pulling strings attached to our limbs similar to a marionette puppet, mocking us and allowing or guiding us to danger zones.  I don't image His intentions for my life are that of a bully.  Yet, when I fail to offer thanks for any situation I am in, I am showing the highest disregard for His amazing grace of allowing me another day with those I love, another day at accomplishing His plan He has put upon my life.  He asks us to give thanks, to show our appreciation in all we have...and with the sincerity.  He does not want our fair-weathered prayers on a consistent basis, but our faithful prayers at all times.

I have been working on giving my thanks regardless of my situation.  Lately, this has been very easy to remember.  Life has been a brilliant mixture of pain and joy every day recently.  While one aspect may be going well, another seems to be falling apart.  There have been moments where I have felt so broken and beyond repair, times I have curled into a fetal position due to what and where I am placed in my life.  I drive to work, praying for things to work out in one area I need help, while offering thanks with a sincere heart.  I will be at work, repeating the same concerns to Him that are heavy on my heart, but offering my appreciation that I have come as far as I have.  I drive home from work, thankful my day is over and again, talking to Him of matters I cannot share with another person.  In doing this, I feel His presence - know He has not left, know He is giving me all I need, comforting me as I cry to Him of my concerns. 

I am blessed beyond all measure this world can understand. 

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

And you ask me what I want this year

And I try to make this kind and clear

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings

And desire and love and empty things

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

It is funny how life changes, and desires of Christmas past are no longer the desires of today.  As a child, you may have wanted to believe in waking up to a room filled with big boxes, shiny wrapping paper, and ornamental ribbons.  You thought of Christmas for months in advance, put together your wish list, and tried to be as good as you could in the event there really was a Santa Claus.  As you grew older, the boxes get smaller due to no longer wanting big toys, but now electronics was pleasing to your desires.  And finally, you reached adulthood, where Christmas was still filled with wonderment, but now also filled with the knowledge that it is better to give than to receive, but please don't skip me on the receiving in some small way.

This year will be one of the loneliest Christmases I have had in a long time. I will be surrounded by my family, but will be missing family living elsewhere.  I will be surrounded by friends, but missing that one person I would do anything to wake up next to on Christmas morning.  And rather than any gift I could tangibly receive, my only wish this year would be to know 2011 will be a better year, filled with better moments, and surrounded by all those I love and care about one year from today.

Gone are the desires of wanting the boxes...my desires are now to just be near those I love, those I care about. When I awake on Christmas morning, I will be with my children - the most important people in the world.  I will be able to see their faces as they open presents, and hopefully their faces will be filled with happiness. And as happy as this makes me, there will always be someone missing...someone to hold my hand, to embrace me and tell me I did a wonderful job.  I know the fact I am with my children should be enough, but this does not stop my heart from wanting to also have someone there looking at me with eyes of amazement.

In all the holidays we could celebrate, Christmas is always the hardest.  It is a time where you should be happy, but I find myself each year feeling more and more melancholy at the sight of mistletoe, couples holding hands, and celebrating the season together.  Each year I am caught in the whirl wind of feeling at my absolute loneliest while surrounded by so many others.  I am like a square peg in a world of round pegs...and for this it makes me feel more gloomy than glee.  

While I will be able to see that special someone during the season, it is the desire to have him here on that date on the calendar that I wish for.  While I will be able to see some of my family during the season, it would be nice to have us all together, celebrating together.

This year, that is what I would like.  No fancy boxes, nothing that money can buy, just the joy in being surrounded by all those I love and care about.  Just the contentment of sitting next to that special person while surrounded by my family...the promise for better days, where the loneliness is no longer present.

How do you define beauty?

Beauty...that quintessential element we long to be, long to surround us with, and long to have within our lives.  Beauty is many different things to many different people.  What may be beautiful to me may not be as beautiful to you.  This is part of what makes each individual unique within the world.  This is why we may all have a different answer when asked "What is your favorite color?", or "What is your favorite flower?"

Beauty, by definition, is "the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest)."  To me, the word was never intended to be a socially defined word to encompass physical attribute of weight, hair color, skin color if judging someone by their appearance.  Beauty is a quality of meaningful design.  And in this definition, we are all beautiful due to the intricate design of our minds, our bodies, our spirits, and our thoughts.  As cliche as it may sound, we are all beautiful just by simple mechanics of how our bodies function from skin to organ to cell.


Upon pondering what beauty truly is, however, I am not always thinking of quality or meaningful design.  I stare in the mirror and hope to not see a crease on my face, another white hair on the top of my head, or sagging skin.  I attempt to look nice when leaving the house by covering the face I have been given by birth, by design, with makeup in hopes the dark under eye circles do not show as much, to increase the darkness of my eyelashes to make my eyes pop a bit more.  I love to shop for clothes, handbags, and certain types of jewelry.  I am not unusual in desiring to have nice clothing, but also do not become extravagant in the items I do end up purchasing.  

When I was a little girl, I wanted nothing more than to change the design of attributes.  I wanted long dark hair more than anything.  I wanted to have hair that was flowing, thick, and definitely not the thin blonde hair I had been born with.  I forced my mother to look for dark haired Barbie dolls, thought Brook Shields was the most beautiful person, and dreamed of this dark hair.  Why would I, as a child, think this was what beauty was?  It was very simple.  My own mother had dark hair.  I had received my blonde hair from my father.  In the eyes of a child, your mother is not only the smartest woman you know, she is also the most beautiful.  I wanted to emulate her beauty, and be more like her.


In defining my own beauty I have realized very important aspects of not only who I am, but what I would like.  I may look in the mirror and see the face of an aging person.  I am 34, and am told I look younger than my years.  But as I look in the mirror, I see those creases, white hair, and sagging skin.  I have realized it is far more important to embrace these subtle differences that most everyone else is unaware of.  Defining my beauty has become more about surrounding myself with those I love, those I enjoy, and those who bring joy to my life.  In this, I have found the greatest beauty of all.

Strength is not always measured in physical ability

Life is such as beautiful combination of contradiction.  One moment we feel we are at the pinnacle of happiness, the next we are at the base attempting to climb to the top again.  We look at the world with the eyes of how we are currently feeling, and sometimes not of what is clearly in front of us.  We exaggerate, belittle, overwhelm, and excuse ourselves when needed, yet also offer these same qualities to others we have briefly met.  We face our greatest strength at moments we feel our world is collapsing around us, and we are unsure of our next step or steps.

I look at the people in my life and am absolutely amazed at their ability to handle grace under pressure, peace in the midst of a storm, and the ability to continue on.  The strength they offer those on a daily basis that cannot be measured by distance, by earthly ties, or heavenly bounds.  They have strength that is not always measured in physical ability, but rather the mental, emotional, and spiritual abilities.

Strength is not always what we may think.  It is not something regarding our physical ability to carry our own weight in addition to the weight of something else.  Strength is our ability to offer our presence, offer our hearts, offer our love, and know if needed, we will survive beyond all measure.  It is our belief in ourselves, in those we surround ourselves with, and where we place our faith.  If our faith is weak, we will be weak.  If our belief in who we are is shaking, we will be shaking as well.

Strength comes from our perseverance to adversity.  Strength comes from wanting more, believing deeper, and loving regardless of the outcome.  Strength is a new mother holding her newborn, unsure of what to do when the baby cries. Strength is watching your child grow, knowing you are not as needed as you were the day before.  Strength comes from watching your parents grow older, siblings face adversity, and you are there to hold their hands.  Strength comes when you are offering yourself to others, taking on their pain, and simply praying for them from a place within your heart only true love exists.  Strength is taking care of someone as they are ill, whether temporary or terminally.  Strength comes from just sitting next to the person you love, day in and day out as the world feels dark, knowing you are together.  This is strength.  These are the moments you define strength to others, even if you never share your own fears while facing these moments.  Strength is not a measurement of physical ability, but what you do with every other ability you have in the world.

My own words I would say

Have you ever sat down with someone and told them your heart's song for them?  Told them how important they are to you, how each day is brighter due to their presence in your life?  Have you ever sent a letter to someone telling them how you love them, appreciate them, and know they have the ability to conquer and accomplish all their goals, dreams, and desires?  Have you ever said the words that can touch someone so deeply they are forever grateful?

When others allow you into their heart, when they share who they are, what they want, what they believe, it forges a different path than maybe you would have taken otherwise.  Our words to others are not that of "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  Our words to others, followed by our actions, can create a bond between spirits.  Our words can give hope, can offer peace, and can establish joy within the hearts of others.

I am not sure if I do this for those around me on as regular a basis as I would like.  I attempt to always let others know how I feel, but sometimes feel I fall short when going through a regular day of frustration where my own world feels like it is ripping at the seams.

I recently received 2 forms of communication that shook me.  One was a letter mailed to me, unexpected, from my sister-in-law Jessica.  The other was an email received today, from a person I deeply care about and would do anything just to see them smile.  For the sake of this person, I will not mention names, but if you read this, you know who you are.

The letter from Jessica came on a day where I literally was so low in spirit.  I was struggling with not only the regular day emotions, but also huge questions about who I am, what am I doing, why do I suffer the way I do when it comes to certain things...I received the letter on November 20, just a few short weeks ago.  As I am reading this letter that was written on stationary with her handwriting, I was transformed to different periods of my life where things were much more stressful than today.  I was transformed to different periods of my life where I felt complete joy, complete love, and a blissful ignorance only time diminishes. Suddenly, I was 19 again, I was 23 again, I was 27 again, reliving all the wonderful and difficult phases I have grown through, and grown up to be the person I am today.  She was sharing with me her appreciation of who I was, how I live, and who I will be in the future.  She was telling me through every sentence how she loved me for me.  The words she wrote on paper were not just words - they were a song, a testament to love, to family, to strength, and to honor.  They were words I cannot even think of without becoming tearful with an overwhelming warmth of love for her, and who she is.  She didn't know the day I received this I would need it.  She put her faith in her actions, and realized she was doing this based out of her need to show her appreciation.  I have read this letter several times since, overcome with emotion each time.

The other, the email I received today, touched me in a different way.  It was not centered around me as the letter from Jessica.  It was someone sharing with me who they were, their fears, their uncertainty of what the future may offer, and how they were not sure how or what steps they would take.  It was someone telling me who they were in their thoughts. And while there was a mention regarding my strength, or willingness to give of myself, I do not believe that is why the email was sent to me.  I believe it was sent due to a longing to let out feelings that may otherwise be left to roam within their heart, unknown to many, unheard to all. 

My own words I would say to Jessica and the person very dear to me would include something similar to lyrics from my previous post below.  Some of my words will be shared with them individually, in a more private forum rather than in the world of internet searches.  But they would also include a special editorial note as follows that I am willing to share to the world, for all to see, without fear or reservation (with some of those lyrics included):

For Jessica, my sister in love, you are forever one of the strongest women I know.  From the time our lives became intertwined we have both had our ups and subsequent downs.  You have always put a brave face on for the world to see, and I am sure and know that is not always the easiest thing to do.  You demonstrate strength to a degree I will never be able to understand, but have also demonstrated such grace under pressure with all the hardships life has given.  We have grown together as individuals, and grown up together through our own hardships and joys.  To see you as a mother, holding your sons in your arms, to watch your love for them, the love you have for your husband, and the love you have for the Lord is truly an amazing event to see.  In these moments, you are at your most beautiful, for your love shines through you as rays of sunshine would light the sky at dawn.  Be strong in the Lord, never give up hope.  You’re going to do great things, I already know.  God’s got His hand on you so don’t live life in fear.  Forgive and forget.  But don’t forget why you’re here.  Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say.

To my very special friend, with whom my time has been shorter than others in my life, I want you to know your brilliance is beyond my understanding at times.  Your wit, your desire to achieve great things, and your tenacity at grabbing what you want (including my attention) can never be matched.  While most things are uncertain right now, I know you are going to set the world on fire.  You are nothing short of amazing, and I feel so blessed each day having you as part of my life.  Hold strong in your trust to do good. You have captured my heart in so many aspects of who you are, not what you are. Be strong in the Lord, never give up hope.  You’re going to do great things, I already know.  God’s got His hand on you so don’t live life in fear.   Forgive and forget.  But don’t forget why you’re here.  Take your time and pray. These are the words I would say.

The Words I Would Say - Sidewalk Prophets [lyrics]

Three in the morning, and I’m still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I’d say
If we were face to face
I’d tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are

I know cause I’ve already been there
So please hear these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re going to do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would

Say… from one simple life to another
I will say… come find peace in the Father

Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here

Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

Know my heart, and you will then know me

Know my heart, and you will then know me

Understand why I feel as I do

And you would be able to capture my heart

Forever

I am four years old, holding onto my dad's leg 

As I am meeting new people for the first time

Shy as shy can be, hoping to melt into his pant leg

Hoping he can protect me
From the threats of the outside world

I am eight, mom holding me while I cry

We say goodbye to friends and all that was familiar

Unsure of change, unsure of what lies ahead

Only knowing I will never play with these friends again

As we move to a new home, new life
Several states away

I am twelve, unsure of who I am

Attempting to understand the world

Uncomfortable with feelings and changes going on

As I am entering my teenage years

But too afraid to let anyone know

I am eighteen, leaving home for the first time

Unable to say goodbye to my parents as I pull out of the driveway
For fear I would change my mind and stay

A mixture of joy and sadness at the thought

That when I wake up in the morning I won't have 

My family beside me

I am twenty, in love for the first time

Holding the hand of a man I love

He has just asked me to marry him

I never thought I would feel so beautiful
So special, so loved

As I did in that one moment

I am twenty-two, mesmerized by the ability 

To love someone so tiny who

Demonstrates unconditional love daily

Her tiny hands, tiny feet

Sleepless nights always forgotten in the morning

 When I smell her baby skin against mine

I am twenty-five, chasing after two small people
The tiny person that once was
Is now able to do "everything" on her own
The new baby born eighteen short months later
Is learning to do this as well
While I am happy they can feed themselves, and get dressed on their own
I miss the days of nap times where we could cuddle
And they fit so perfectly on my chest.

I am twenty-seven, quietly attempting to heal

My broken heart 

The man I loved has hurt me 

A hurt surpassing all understanding to continue
Life as we had both known

I did my best, hung in as long as I could
But in the end

I left with two small people, hoping to avoid
A continuing of further pain

I am thirty, learning to love again

Learning to believe again
Learning to trust again

Learning to live again

Now on my own, the two small people are getting taller
Both attending school

I am learning once again to not be afraid of

 My own shadow

I am thirty-four, unsure of what the world wants

If the past is any indication
And experiences of relationships repeat themselves

My heart needs to know if will I 

Forever be alone?

Trying to determine if I want to move forward
And in moving forward, how?

Knowing I can never return to the past

Unsure of my next steps

And praying all will come together eventually

My heart, so often bruised in the past
Resilient beyond an earthly sense of clarity

Always willing to forgive, 

Always willing to attempt something new
Always learning 

Always forced to move on 

Know my heart, and you will then know me

A little girl in a woman's body

Still shy as shy can be

Unsure of the changes around her but

Afraid to let anyone know 

A mixture of sadness at the thought

I never will feel beautiful again

That hurt will continue to surpass all understanding

Understand why I feel as I do
Offer me comfort, lend me your strength
Be fearless in your love of and for me
Never let me go

And you would capture my heart

Forever

~RAL