Where oh where to go

So, it has been nearly a month on this new voyage of singlehood...

I am feeling stronger every day, and trying to just do what I need to do in a world surrounding me with couples...that is okay, I guess.

The thing is, that is what I want. I want someone to hold my hand, to make me smile, to hold me when I am afraid. I want someone to stand up before the world and declare he will want no other person and he is okay with all my flaws.

I think that is the hardest thing when you go from couplehood to singleton. I went from hearing someone tell me every day how much he loved me to telling me he loved me but wanted to move on. And while I do think this is for the best, it still hurts wanting to be loved with no one around to love me.

It is really hard this time, being single. There is so much that has changed in the 5 years I was with John. I am older, more suspicious of men and what they may think or do. I don't want to waste my time on someone who is only looking for a good time. I don't have the energy to wait on someone who is not willing to include me in his life I am not willing to accept anything less than what I deserve. I am not sure where to really go for this meeting of my destiny, and this is terrifying to me. It is something I can not control, or manage on my own. I am not a person with a fit body who can stroll around in pretty little outfits anymore, and time is wearing on my face more and more.

I do suffer from these feelings of "what is wrong with me?" How could someone not feel that way given my marriage, relationship with John. I have felt abandoned which leads me to have trust issues. I have felt that feeling of despair and just continue to relay and wait upon the Lord to put me in the right place at the right time.

What do I want in this life? I want to be happy. I want to watch my kids grow into healthy adults who change the world with their gifts. I want to have someone hold my hand when I watch them graduate from high school, from college, at their weddings, and when they are having their children. I want someone to want to wake up next to me every day, unafraid to state he will not leave, regardless of what my happen that day. I want someone who is faithful in his love to the Lord, to me, and to my children. I want someone who wants to dance when there is no music being played, someone who wants to walk home in the rain. I want to stand before my family, friends, and God and say I will be with him in this life until death, and for all eternity. I don't want someone who is afraid of his committment shadow. I don't want someone who can't decide if I am a good fit for his life. That is pretty much all I have ever had, and that is the hardest realization to live with.

Your mother let you leave the house like that?

Took the kids to a movie last night at Tempe Marketplace. Busy Saturday evening in this outdoor shopping mall...misters running to add moisture to the air and drop the temp by a few degrees, kids being pushed in strollers with ice cream stained shirts, and teens looking like they were wanting some fun with their friends.

In waiting for my friend Karen, I noticed something that was odd. There were tons of teens who looked like they were just out of place. There was one girl who was wearing the Amy Winehouse do...literally looked like she hadn't washed it for weeks to achieve that amount of ratty hair. I wondered how her neck could support the weight! There was another girl who looked normal for the most part. Normal is not the word I would typically use, but she looked like every other girl my daughter is friend's with. But she had a mohawk of sorts in the middle of her head. Mind you, it was not a real mohawk; she had the longer hair surrounding her beautiful face, but in the middle of her head was this mass of gelled up, hair sprayed singular hair that made me do a double take.

Not to mention the clothing. This girl who looked about 14 was wearing hot pants with half her bum hanging out, little shirt, heels...I told my daughter she would NEVER be able to leave the house again if I caught her wearing that in public. There was another girl who looked young wearing a t-shirt tied under her pubescent breasts and jeans so tight I don't think she could sit down if she wanted to, much less breathe in them.

I am all for self-expression. I think you should be yourself, and be able to feel comfortable in your own skin. I just don't want to see your skin as you are doing this. If you want to look like you did your hair while still in bed - all the more power to you, but do you think this looks good, or are you trying to be different for difference sake?

Emi asked if she could get purple highlights before the end of school. I agreed, and don't mind this little bit of self peeping out for the world to see. I just don't want to see her become a person who feels she needs to show everyone what God has given her to gain attention. I want her to be someone who realizes the difference between knowing who she is, and keeping herself safe from what the world views as beautiful, acceptable, or appropriate. I want her to remain true to herself, and to the Lord. She does not have to dress for the world, but for the person she is...sweet, compassionate of others, and lovely in every way. A beautiful child of mine and the Lord's.

Thank you Steve and Joe for the music

What do you look for when needing comfort, but you don't really want to talk to someone else? Do you look for comfort within food? Do you find it within exercising? My comfort comes from music. I have done this for a while, and always seem to return when I need "comfort". I listen to music all day, not just when I need comfort. But it is in the moments where I feel alone I will turn to music for release. Others may find comfort in that food (brownies, mashed potatoes, etc), or think comfort by way of drink is good. For me, though, it is always about the music.

In the Bible, David wrote beautiful songs to God about his love, suffering, pain, joy, thankfulness, surrender, devotion, and abandonment. To read them is to know David's heart, to know his desires, to know him. Music was used to seranade kings and queens in medieval times. While struggling to become free, slaves used music to relay messages of where to go. Music throughout the years of our world has evoked peace, strife, joy, anger. Music is the yin yang of our being.

My comfort is music, especially Aerosmith...thanks to Steve Tyler and Joe Perry I have gotten through many hard times. Silly, I know. When I am upset all I need to do is put in a CD, listen on Pandora, and I forget for a few minutes...how can you not smile when listening to songs like Ragdoll, Walk This Way, or Love in an Elevator. Some of the songs are not as fun, but never the less just as dear - What it Takes is my favorite song by them, and always makes me feel like everything will be okay...somehow I can just identify with the pain of losing someone and take comfort I am not alone.

Today at work I was listening to Steve and the boys...Seasons of Wither was on...I must mention that today has been extremely long. Not only has it been slow, but it is also miserably hot outside. So, sitting at work, listening to this song, and thinking back to when I was at the concert, seeing them sing it live. I was immediately transported into that moment in time when I was just amazed to be watching them 20 feet away from me...good times.

It is funny how a song can take us back to this previous time in our lives, happy or sad. There are so many memories for me tied to Aerosmith. In elementary school hearing Ragdoll. Jr. High with Janie's got a gun, Love in an elevator, High School with Crazy, Eat the Rich, Amazing. Heck, my senior prom theme was Amazing. Every time I hear that song I think back to that night, I can see and smell my prom date, Evan. I can remember so many details of that evening as if it was yesterday. Suddenly, if I was having a rough day it is okay. I can not even begin to tell you how many times I have repeated lyrics from Amazing as my mantra...

It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

Steve and Joe were there to push me through...

There are other songs that just live in the heart of my past. How many times did I play "Wasted Time" by The Eagles when I thought a boy (oddly enough, Evan the prom date) didn't like me anymore...or getting over another lost love while replaying "Stay" by Lisa Loeb. For my wedding having a Michael W. Smith song that takes me to that moment of being so afraid I would cry I had to stare at stained glass during my vows. Kenny Loggins "Return to Pooh Corner" CD is all the songs I would play for my kids as babies to lull them to sleep, and offer me peace of mind. There have been summer songs that remind me to be free, be happy. There have been happy songs that I may not think about listening to but when I hear them a smile is immediately radiating. I think of hymns we sung as children in church and feel my grandmother sitting next to me again. All these wonderful glimpses of past, present, future all due to music.

Wonderments

So, with all the changes going on, I have a few wonders to add to my ever growing list of wonderments...

New Wonderment #1:

After a breakup, why does it feel so great to get a haircut? Is it psychological to desire to cut things away from you...literally?

New Wonderment #2:

Why would you think it is EVER okay to wear clothes like you are defending your street corner when going to the grocery store, convenience store, gas station, ANY place. I get it, it's hot...does that mean I have to see you shake your money maker?

New Wonderment #3:

What makes a ball player look so great when they are sweaty and dirty, but any other person would just look like they need a shower? Seriously, is it the uniform?

New Wonderment #4:
Why is it okay to mention the obvious to someone who doesn't need it mentioned..."Wow, you look like crap!" Thanks, I needed that!

New Wonderment #5:

What happened to getting to know someone before giving out information that is really super sensitive...this whole dating thing is scary enough. I really didn't need to know about your fetishes within the first 5 minutes of meeting you, but thanks!

New Wonderment #6:

Why do people feel the need to know who a celebrity is dating, or if they broke up, or that they had a bad day. It happens to everyone; we "regular" people don't want our feelings broadcast for the world, so why would we want to exploit others who are in pain, going through a bad time, or just need a vacation from their own messes they created?

New Wonderment #7:

Why is Justin Bieber a star? Don't get it...

New Wonderment #8:

When hoping to have your broken heart mended do we feel the need to talk endlessly about it...aren't we just reminding ourselves of the hurt? Yes, I know, this includes me but I am trying!

New Wonderment #9:

If I really cared about your weekend, how last night was, or what you are doing in a month, I would have asked you. Why do you feel the need to share this unsolicited information!

New Wonderment #10:

Not really a wonderment, just an observation...that statement of "why do bad things happen to good people?"...yeah, here is my take on it. Bad things happen to both the "good" people and "bad" people. The difference is that we notice and care when it is the "good" people, and really don't care less is they are "bad". Our brains ignore and disregard the bad people so much that we forget what they go through, or somehow feel it is justice when something happens to them, then move on. With the good people we focus a bit more because we somehow think that could be us.

Trying to stay in the game called life

So, recent blows to my ego have occurred. This will occasionally happen, right? Sometimes you are the cream of the crop, and other days you are nothing more than the manure compost. I get it.

If I believed everything I was told I wouldn't even bother showing up for life each day. It would be far easier to call in sick than to get out of bed, put a smile on my face, and greet the world with "good morning." Especially on the days where it feels like the world may greet me back with a big, ugly, hairy "don't talk to me today, I haven't had my coffee yet". But what would be the good of that? Sometimes it is not the amount of playing time you get in this life, but that you showed up ready to play the game that matters...

I was recently looking through old photos from high school, college, when I first got married and had kids...who is that person? She is light years from who I am today. She was so optimistic and thought she could do anything. She thought true love lasted forever, like in Sleeping Beauty. She looked at a situation and didn't see the impossible but the possibilities. I am sure she resides somewhere deep inside my heart. I mean, that was only yesterday I was in high school, college, getting married, having babies, right? But who I am now is someone who has experience. I know what it feels like to be separated from my parents when I needed their strength. I know what it is like losing someone due to old age. I know what it is like losing someone taken too early in their age. I met the man of my dreams, and married him, only to discover that it was not intended to be a lifetime. The hurt that went along with this realization was more than I could take...at the time. I tried, and tried, and tried...but there are only so many times you can glue a broken vase until you are missing essential pieces needed to hold water.

So, I moved on. And met another person who seemed like forever. We talked about marriage, about kids, about a future. We fought about my kids and my parenting style. We made up. We fought about little things. We made up. We were stubborn, and tenacious, and broke up. We somehow managed to come back together, and were different in so many ways, but I guess the same in many others. Fear of commitment, fear of letting the other person down, fear of running the race, and trying to do right by the other person could all be reasons...ultimately, though, maybe it was just the calling in sick to life that got us.

I now need to learn to move on, and not take for granted all the wonderful moments I have shared. I never regretted marrying my husband. I never for a minute wish things would have been different. It has led me to this person I am now. I never have regretted being with the most recent person to break my heart. He taught me so much about love. He also taught me alot of hanging in when the going gets rough, though he may not consider this what happened. I am trying to stay in this game called life. I miss that girl in the photographs...the one who had optimism in spite of adversity. But I also like the one I stare at in the mirror on a daily basis, white hairs and all. I am learning to love myself again in spite of feeling abandoned. I am learning to let go of things that really don't matter over the course of a lifetime I am learning who I am...again.

Who I am

Who am I...that changes every day. I am a fighter, but I am frightened. I am a blonde by birth, dark hair by color, and white hair slowly creeping onto my scalp. I am young, but old at the same time. I am a woman but still feel like a girl. I am a mom, but still someones daughter. I am a lover without someone to love.

What I love:
- my children's giggles
- Emi's compassion
- Tyler's skepticism
- being close to my family
- seeing someone touch their own personal stars in the sky
- hearing "What a Wonderful World" by any singer
- sunsets
- having my favorite hymn played at church

What I like:
- daisies, especially Gerber daisies
- the beach, with sand between my toes and a cool breeze
- the smell of the desert after it rains
- lightening storms from the distance
- waking up next to the man I love
- long drives to clear my head
- seeing my favorite baseball teams win a big game
- sitting in a ball park during a game
- Marilyn Monroe
- Aerosmith on a long drive when I am feeling blue
- friends who are there through thick or thin
- hearing the perfect song on the radio
- hiking on a beautiful clear day
- finding jeans that fit
- opening my Bible to the perfect scripture
- gardening from seed to harvest

I am sure the list is longer than this. I am sure there are many more things I love, many more things I like. I needed a release to just remember what I have in my life that is positive, wonderful, delightful, and worth remembering.

Where one road ends, another begins

They always tell us when one road ends, another begins. Or, when one door closes, another opens. Or, my favorite, when one door closes find an open window...silly little things we, as humans, tell ourselves to get through disappointment. Some disappointment is fleeting. Other disappointment creates a new path in the road we never took before.

Today I am trying to go through things left over from moving into a new place. I have so many papers, clothes, crap to go through. It feels as soon as I get through one hurdle, I discover another...really starting to frustrate me. My thoughts, of course, always take me back to the one who has broken my heart, and praying this, too, shall pass quickly. I have moments of happiness, or something that reminds me of a previous breath of fresh air where everything was possible. Those moments will come again, I know. But right now it is hard to see this.

I am sitting on the computer, after writing my father-in-law an email about my most recent breakup. I am crying, and I am miserable. I have so many questions regarding this loneliness. I don't want to dwell here long, but that is my decision how long I linger. I want to feel that joy again. I suffered through a marriage that was lonely; a marriage of one is not a marriage. When the marriage ended, I managed to pick up the pieces, forge my way to where I am today as someone who is gainfully employed, works hard, and tries her best. I struggled with self-doubt, emptiness, prayer of better circumstances. I have suffered through a broken heart with the same one who broke my heart recently. Every time we came back to one another. But this time we won't come back to one another. All my life it seems I have had to be strong. While today calls for strength I am tired. I am tired of being the one to hold up my end of the rope only to have the other person drop it on their end. I don't want to do the work of 2 anymore. I want to have someone who holds my hand during the hard times, someone who is there helping my own strength to increase.

I must mention that my kids offer me some certain amount of strength. They love me, give me hugs, tell me how important I am to them. But this is not the same.

Right now, my road that has ended is not shedding any light on a detour...Right now I just want a hug. Right now I just want someone to stand by me, regardless of the darkness around us,and tell me they will attempt to find the path with me. I want to be loved, I want to feel loved by someone the Lord has brought into my life that will be next to me on the cold nights when I am afraid. I want this more than anything, but the person I want this with no longer wants that of me.

Don't give up

I remember what that felt like, being told "I love you". I heard it the day we broke up. "Of course I still love you..." Not quite the same as when you would say this to me on a daily basis. But, this is what I am holding onto.

I remember the first time you told me you loved me. You used to be so silly in telling me. You would get this big grin on your face, smiling ear to ear. That glint in your eyes of joy. Not happiness, but pure joy. And that face gave me the encouragement, the feeling I could do ANYTHING. I could climb the highest mountains, set sail on any treacherous sea, reach and touch the stars in the moonlit evening sky. It gave me peace when all around seemed difficult. It gave me a feeling of being embraced if we were apart.

One day I hope to hear those words again. I hope to hear those words when I am afraid, when I feel all is lost. I hope to hear those words on my wedding day, and hear those words when I am old with a head full of white hair. I hope to hear those words when I take my last breath. I still hold out hope for us. I still hold out hope that the Lord will bring us together again. I still believe in us, even if you have stopped your pursuit of the same belief.

Yesterday it was a poem that made up my general feelings. The song by Sanctus Real, "Don't Give Up" sums the feelings of today. I am struggling with your words still ringing in my ears, in my heart, in my mind. I am still struggling to think that our lives are no longer meshed together as they should be. But, the key phrase is should be. I still think I will wake up, have you next to me on this voyage of life. I still think we will spend the day together, or receive a message saying "Good morning Sunshine." There is no sunshine in my heart now,as it is broken and at best a tumultuous storm. My head my be able to hear you are gone, but my heart doesn't understand the separation.

Don't Give Up

I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up

Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you

Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?

Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
Don't give up on love

Lift up my heart

Tonight I am geared up for a rough night. John will be coming over, and usually this makes me extremely happy. Usually this makes me feel special, and loved, and important. That probably won't be the feeling tonight as he is coming over to tell the kids we are no longer together.

I spent most of my night trying to get to sleep last night. I prayed, and cried, and prayed some more. In waking up to this new day it has only been filled with deep emotional pain that I can not really share with the world. On my drive to work this morning, the perfect song came on by Hawk Nelson called Everything You Ever Wanted. Driving down the road, listening to the words say the following was enough to have my morning turn upside down:
I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I have had so much change in the past 2 months, I relied upon him being the constant. The constant that was always there. The constant I could go to when I was worried, happy, sad, mad, or joyful. The constant that always brought me to where I needed to be. I guess I should not rely upon another human being to my a constant since most everything changes, most everyone moves on, and for some reason don't remain in your life. This is not always a bad thing, such as a break up. It just happens.

So, before he arrives tonight, I am just praying that the Father in heaven will life up my heart and mind to a place of peace. I am praying the Father will be my constant, and just remain with me. I am praying when everything is said and done I don't make a fool of myself once again, and believe John may still care. That has passed. He may still care, but that is not really a concern any longer in a life post breakup. It is not a concern or focus at this point in the game.

It is all in the journey

"For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11

Every day I wake up to this scripture. It rests as a frame on my dresser, reminding me of what is in store, that my road is filled with hope, and that He is in control. The picture inside the frame is not necessarily important. It is just in there. No, the scripture is what is important.

I need this today. I need this every day. I am so filled with self-doubt about things going on in my life, that I sometimes don't remember to just step back and let the Lord guide. My future is aleady in the works, and it is all to bring me closer to Him, closer to my family, closer to what it is this life has intended for me.

I wrote about "everything will be okay". And this is my biblical message. While humans fail, the Lord is always there. Right now, I feel like I need to have the Lord become a human form and just give me a hug you give a long lost friend. I need to feel that embrace. He offers this to me in forms of my children, my friends; and while I selfishly wish it was "the guy" who broke my heart, that has passed, but the Lord never passes.

Today was not as hard as yesterday. Today was not filled with so much anxiety. Tomorrow may also be better. It is not about the end results, but the journey in getting there, and believing in what the Lord has prepared for me, regardless of the pain along the way. I can say all these things and think I mean it; I can attempt to believe all these things, and think I am doing better. But it isn't until I step back, and let the Lord become my driver that I will actually be able to make my thoughts a reality.

I feel so lost and alone. But, I am never truly alone. I have the One who loves me for who I am, will shoulder all my pain, and will love me in spite of who I am if I just call on His name. And this is where my new journey begins...

Everything will be okay

I used to think 4 words would make me feel better - ease my pain - make me realize things were not as they seemed. Those four little words had a magic spell on my subconscious mind to relax, take a deep breath, and feel more at ease with most situations.

"Everything will be okay"...

Oh, how I longed to hear those words when I would fall down as a child. They meant I could get back up, stand on my 2 feet - start walking, then sprinting, then running again. They were the words my parents gave me to make me feel strong again. "Everything will be okay, Ruthe, get up."

Oh, how I longed to hear those words when I would fall down as a teen. They meant I could learn something, I could be "normal" as normal meant to a teen aged girl uncomfortable with all the change going on in my world. They were the words my friends gave me to help me laugh at myself. "Everything will be okay, Ruthe, get up."

Oh, how I longed to hear those words when I would fall down in my 20's. They meant I would finally learn how to have a child sleep through the night, or have potty-trained children when going to a store. They were the words my family gave me to breathe again. "Everything will be okay, Ruthe, get up."

Oh, how I long how to still hear those words now when I am in my 30's, facing another difficult time in my life of uncertainty, of questions, of loneliness. I have gone through the struggles as a mom to potty train and teach a child to sleep through the night. I have forged my way into this world by working, by learning, by loving. But hearing them from the person I used to draw feelings of strength, be able to laugh at myself with, to be myself with is not quite the same. "Everything will be okay, Ruthe, get up." Doesn't quite make it to the magical, mystical land of safety, but only makes me feel like my world has turned upside down like Alice as she fell into the rabbit hole, and descended into Wonderland.

It is funny when you request something from someone, and you get it. I used to say "I am not looking for you to fix things, I am looking for you to listen and just tell me everything will be okay." Too bad what I was requesting did not include a broken heart from the person who uttered those 4 no longer magical words.

Right now, nothing will be okay. Right now I only have feelings of despair, and hearing him say to me that everything will be okay might as well have been "You are overexaggerating your hurt", or "You shouldn't feel this way...look at me, I am okay with us no longer being together, and you should be too..."

The person who is deciding the fate of the relationship has made peace with a decision to move on. They are truly the blessed person in this little scenario of breaking up. They have already weighed the pro's, the con's, the goods, the bads, the uglies, and the somewhere in between's. It is the person being left that is left in an isolated world of remember when's, we used to's, or places and things that no longer fit into the life after being broken up. It is hard to go into the restaurant you spent Valentine's Day, or pass by the park you used to go to. Even the freeway is taunting me with images of the past because the same exit we once had a tire blow-out on is now the same exit that takes me to my job. Silly little words, television shows, mountains we hiked, baseball games, or places we went now are just memories of the past, and no longer hold meaning in this "new" life of everything will be okay. The person who did the breaking up is already on a new path, while I am still trying to figure out why the map has been cut off at the exact place I need to find direction in. And all I have is the uttered words that used to hold their peaceful magic...everything will be okay.

"I think we should move on" are 6 terrible words to combine in a sentence

My head, heart, body, and soul are exhausted from the last week. I know this is so ridiculous to once again be upset about a breakup. Breakups happen all the time, right? I am sure right now there are people all over the world breaking up...some mutual, some friendly, some hard, some painful, and all a life changing event. But right now, I don't care about those other couples. I don't know the reasons for their demise. I don't know the secret thoughts, wishes, dreams, plans, words, and memories shared between them. I only know mine. I only know how my heart is breaking in two, and how I would like to do nothing but sit and contemplate the what ifs.

What if I had originally just not been so anxious, or what if I had cut my hair short in a style he liked. What if I had agreed to move in with him. What if I had spoken the matters of my heart more, or what if I spoke those matters too much. What if I hadn't brought this conversation up asking where he was it to end up without him.

All I know is the person I love, the person I want to be with says he loves me, but does not want to be with me.

There was no arguing this time. Only peaceful talk between two people. Some words stung, but I did not let them deter me from what I wanted - him. But, at the end of the conversation, on the phone, I was alone, and afraid, and feeling very unimportant to someone who just claimed I was very important. I sat in my bed, trying to not let the tears sting my eyes once again. Tears would mean that this was real. And when the moment came that this was real, that meant it was really over. I couldn't sleep that night, or the nights that have passed since. It has not that long - only 3 full days since this all occurred. But my heart is heavy in the horrible way that only happens when you see a car accident, someone getting hurt, or the pain of losing the person you love.

There was small indication that this would happen. But, when seeing him on Sunday and mention of summer plans were made, who was I to think he was pondering our demise. When talking to him on Tuesday, concerned that something was wrong, who was I to think that something was me. He said he was not frustrated, upset, or mad at me. But then, what was it that I did to make you turn away?

When talking on the phone with him 2 days later, he asked how I was...hmmm, I wonder...was that intended to be words from someone concerned, or just the kindness you bestow upon any one else you meet.

And so all I do is pray the silly prayers of a girl in love. Those silly prayers to keep him safe, help him to return to me if it is meant to be. Those silly conversations I am desparately wanting to believe someday will be true. I know the Lord can make the incredible become credible. I know my trust in Him will give me strength regardless of the outcome. But, alas, I am also human, and want to have things my way, and not patient for the ways of the Lord at all times. I love him. I miss him. I miss his voice, his scent, his body, his laugh. I miss being able to share our little inside jokes. I miss that for nearly 5 years I have been with him, and it was wiped out in a single sentence of "I think we should move on.