Lately there has been this tumultuous feeling in the under belly of life. I can't explain what it is. If I could explain this, I wouldn't have to feel it as the under belly. It is this feeling that something more is going on than should be, yet at the same time it is less than what it should be. It is full of contradictions, full of waves of confusion, and the feeling of not really knowing whether to confront or deny. It is all of the what ifs, should, would, and could-haves, need-to-do's, and I don't understands all rolled into one thought process.
I have never been a person who is good at confrontation. Confrontation of issue tackling on a personal level is more than difficult to me. In all the world of confrontations, I sometimes would rather pull the blankets over my head than to face an issue. It isn't that I am worried facing the confrontation may result in my ultimate demise. It is not that I may not be able to have my way, or that I may be hurt in the long run. Most of my issues with confrontation come from not wanting to hurt someone else, make someone else feel less than, or disappoint someone. Most the time, that "someone" includes my parents, and those I am with in a relationship.
It is that feeling that something is off, or not right that can make me feel insecure. Insecurity is so difficult to admit, and never something offered as a compromise to another. I don't want to seem insecure to those I am close to. Insecurity to me is a sign of weakness. A sign that I have something deficient within me. Who would want to admit this to anyone? In not hearing from certain people I feel I have let them down or that they are less than pleased with me. I am not vying for attention, just wanting to know I am worth their while, worth their time, and seen in a higher esteem than I currently feel at this moment in time. I am not vying to have someones undivided praise or approval, just to know that I am doing a good job, that I am missed, or that I am held at a higher level of importance. In the end, I think we all long for this feeling. And those who attempt to mask this desire may be in need of the occasional "I miss you" or "good job" or "I find you well worth more than you could ever know" some days.
I am not one to go out and seek this attention in an unadulterated method. I won't scream from the top of my lungs that I am in need of a talk; if I don't reach someone on the phone I tend to believe they are busy and will get back to me when they can. I won't typically call someone out and say "Look at me!" as if I am a 2 year old. No. That is not what I do. Instead, I sit and ponder all scenarios in which I may have disappointed someone important to me. I will replay moments in my head over and over. Those tiny moments that I thought differently of, little words said, or even worse, left unsaid. In the end, I drive myself crazy over a situation I can not only not solve without the help of someone else, but also must admit I think something is off, be possibly seen as insecure in the process, to solve my questions.
Tonight I will sleep on this feeling. Tonight I will leave things alone as much as I can, and hope that in the morning this feeling is nothing more than just raw emotions going awry due to my lack of sleep or forethought.
I have never been a person who is good at confrontation. Confrontation of issue tackling on a personal level is more than difficult to me. In all the world of confrontations, I sometimes would rather pull the blankets over my head than to face an issue. It isn't that I am worried facing the confrontation may result in my ultimate demise. It is not that I may not be able to have my way, or that I may be hurt in the long run. Most of my issues with confrontation come from not wanting to hurt someone else, make someone else feel less than, or disappoint someone. Most the time, that "someone" includes my parents, and those I am with in a relationship.
It is that feeling that something is off, or not right that can make me feel insecure. Insecurity is so difficult to admit, and never something offered as a compromise to another. I don't want to seem insecure to those I am close to. Insecurity to me is a sign of weakness. A sign that I have something deficient within me. Who would want to admit this to anyone? In not hearing from certain people I feel I have let them down or that they are less than pleased with me. I am not vying for attention, just wanting to know I am worth their while, worth their time, and seen in a higher esteem than I currently feel at this moment in time. I am not vying to have someones undivided praise or approval, just to know that I am doing a good job, that I am missed, or that I am held at a higher level of importance. In the end, I think we all long for this feeling. And those who attempt to mask this desire may be in need of the occasional "I miss you" or "good job" or "I find you well worth more than you could ever know" some days.
I am not one to go out and seek this attention in an unadulterated method. I won't scream from the top of my lungs that I am in need of a talk; if I don't reach someone on the phone I tend to believe they are busy and will get back to me when they can. I won't typically call someone out and say "Look at me!" as if I am a 2 year old. No. That is not what I do. Instead, I sit and ponder all scenarios in which I may have disappointed someone important to me. I will replay moments in my head over and over. Those tiny moments that I thought differently of, little words said, or even worse, left unsaid. In the end, I drive myself crazy over a situation I can not only not solve without the help of someone else, but also must admit I think something is off, be possibly seen as insecure in the process, to solve my questions.
Tonight I will sleep on this feeling. Tonight I will leave things alone as much as I can, and hope that in the morning this feeling is nothing more than just raw emotions going awry due to my lack of sleep or forethought.
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