And again...

It is ironic how life works.  One moment I feel very strong in mind, body, and spirit.  I feel I can leap tall buildings, climb the highest mountains, dive to the deepest depths of the sea, and walk on the moon.  I walk outside and feel that familiar warmth of the sun upon my skin and find comfort in this.  I meet new people and do not feel the need to shy away.  I feel happy, carefree, and light as a feather.  And then, this dark numbness that makes me feel like I need to protect myself as much as I can.  All those moments in which I have been hurt rush toward me like rapid waters, and I am left feeling battered on the side of the stream wondering what has happened.


This dark numbness, it is not a welcome feeling.  I do not want this feeling within my heart.  Along with the numbness comes the fear of heights, the fear of falling, the fear of exposure, the fear of being hurt once again.  I am left wondering what I have done to the universe to receive such horrendous treatment, and if this is normal for everyone, or is some horrible karma I created biting me in the ass.  One thing is for sure, had I known I was messing with the universe at large, or karma, I sure as hell wouldn't have continued on the path to self destruction that led me to this dark numbness I am feeling right now.


It is that yin to the yang; the light verses darkness that has me feeling as if I have whiplash.  The protesting I may do is done in quiet, the responses I may have are typically left only as a whisper within the wind. So why is it that the karmic yin/yang and universe are unfolding their hardest hits against me?


Once again I am forced with the decision to keep my head up, not let the attacks upon my heart effect my daily outlook.  Once again I am forced to face unpleasant memories that flood and drown all senses and create the numbness.  Once again it has happened that my day was disrupted and I am forced to just deal with it...again.

I care

I told you how your hurt me, baby
But you don't care
Now I'm crying and deserted, baby
But you don't care
Ain't nobody tell this is love
But you're immune to all my pain
I need you to tell me this is love
You don't care if that's okay

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

Ever since you knew your power
You made my cry
And now every time our love goes sour
You won't sympathize
You see these tears falling down to my ears
I swear you like when I'm in pain

I try to tell you all my fears
You still don't care? That's okay

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

Boy, maybe if you care enough
I wouldn't have to care so much
What happened to our trust?
Now you just given up
You used to be so in love
Now you don't care no more

Well, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la
Oh, I care
I know you don't care too much
But I still care, la la la la

365 Days

It is amazing the events that can unfold within the span of 365 days.  Seasons change, people are both entering the world into new lives and exiting the world when their time expires.  Jobs may change, locations of where you may live, friends you were once close with are now distant, and new friends come into your life and help you move forward.  Interests, desires, challenges, and dreams may all be vastly different within this time frame, each moment we experience shaping our thoughts.

If you were to ask me 365 days ago where I thought I would be today, my answer would not have been anything close to where I actually am.  Ignorance is sometimes bliss, but experience can sometimes bring more tears than you expected.  I was excited about the future, excited to see where the road was taking me, and willing to try a path I had not taken before.  I was open to different ideas, open to different experiences.  I was able to feel daring, feel spontaneous. I felt I was given a new chance at something great, and I was not going to let it pass me by.

Little did I know that regardless of my personal attempts, the 364 days that would follow be filled with absolute joy coupled with and followed by feeling I failed myself and those around me.  Feeling I was special, I was important, I was cared about quickly turned to feelings that I must be damaged; somehow there is something lacking within me to be where I am again.

So here is to you, 365.  I wish you brought more smiles to my face, than tears that escape from my eyes.  I wish you brought more moments to be shared instead of rehashing and remembering moments that occurred.  I wish the next 365 are better than the past few months have offered.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden wrote this poem that sums my current feelings about where I am, what I am doing. It was featured in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral, during a scene in which a character has died, and the friends have gathered for the funeral.

When I watched this movie years ago I searched for a book containing this poem. I was so moved by how these words, simple enough, could evoke so much pain, so much mourning, so much of everything you always want to say, but don't have time to say it when your heart is broken.

It is amazing how words can mean so much to so many, and yet mean so little to others. It strikes me odd to have someone leave my life, never to return, and never to hear their voice, to smell their scent, or to be near their warmth. In losing someone close to you, you realize all the wonderful things about that person, and also all the frustrations that person may have caused. The only difference between when they were close, and now that they are away? You find yourself missing the little moments of cooking dinner together, going to the grocery store, driving to a chosen destination, seeing each other after time apart; even the frustration they may have created.

You miss this because you miss them...all of them...not just parts, or moments, or portions. There is no separation of pieces of them; parts you liked or could have done without. There is only the whole of them that is missed. Whether this be through breakup or through death, you would do anything to spend one last joyful moment with them, one last breath in their presence, one last anything to make you feel the way you had felt once upon a time, in a world of "when".

In many ways, the lose of a relationship is similar to death.  The only difference is the off-chance you may run into them, hear from them at moments that may be less than convenient for the healing your heart must do.  I have been unfortunate enough to feel the effects of both, understand how each brings such a unique tear in your heart; your life forever altered by this tear.  

This is how I feel. I miss everything. I miss the scent of his neck as we would hug, I miss the sound of his voice sounding excited, I miss his eyes smiling at me, I miss his body sitting next to mine...I miss him. So, the poem is for you, sweet lad who broke my heart. The poem that represents how I feel today...and how I may feel for a while. One day I hope to be on a different path, something other than desiring to just be in the same room with you,something other than being in love with a person who no longer shares my world, my thoughts, my life, and my heart.

20100611

Not Over You

"Not Over You"

Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful - face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood - and I realize

[Chorus]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm - not over you (not over you)

Damn, damn girl you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you

[Chorus]

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...

"How r u doin?"

It is funny how, in the midst of an emotional storm, we welcome the tiniest of distractions.  And, as long as this distraction does not in some way remind of the emotional storm, you are able to continue on the path to healing.  But it is a very thin line drawn in the sands of your heart should your heart be unable to distinguish between the pain of your storm, and the the ability to move on.  That thin line can place you right back at square one, back in the turmoil and upheaval that is overwhelming.  

I do not like square one.  If it could be removed, life would be so much easier.  All the progress one can make is instantly removed when crossing that line...and this is where I am right now.  Right back at square one.  That place where all the memories are again fresh in my mind, and my dreams are being held captive by these memories.  My desires are locked away, tightly under lock and key, and my pain is closer to the surface than it was a few days ago.  

What am I supposed to say when asked how I am doing? "I am hurting, trying to keep it together at work, but crying myself home in my car.  This whole situation has screwed me up so much that I am not sure how to trust another human, much less believe you actually give a damn as you ask me. I was doing great until you came in and swept me off my feet as you threw me off the cliff of emotions. Why was I not good enough? Why was it that I gave you my heart, and you took advantage of it?" 

Would it be better to give thanks for how I am feeling?  "Thanks for making me doubt all that is good, all that is healthy? Thanks for making me feel so undesirable as a person?  Thanks for taking a piece of my heart, using it as a toy for your own whims? Thanks for making me feel at any minute the rest of the world will fall apart?"

Would it be better to lie, as I am doing to the rest of the world when asked how I am? "Life is great, everything is coming together as I wanted it to, and I don't think of you at all.  I am feeling so happy with where things are, and thankful for all the beauty in my life."

The truth is that there is no easy way for me to answer that question without exposing my true feelings.  I can't shut off those emotions.  To the world, to those who do not know me, I probably seem like I am fine.  Inside, however, I feel my heart is shattered into a million pieces still.  To be over this would be better, but here I am again, square one... 

In the heart of hearts, when asked how I am doing, I would like to say "I'm great."  The longer I feel this pain, and share it, the more control someone else has over my own dreams. The methods in which I am coping may not be the best.  In my heart of hearts I would love to never allow you to know how broken I am, how much this has taken from me.  In my heart of hearts I would love to never allow you to know each day feels like my heart is breaking again as I wake up from dreaming that all that has occurred was just one horrible nightmare I have finally awoken from.  I guess once I am out of the emotional storm I will have finally woken up...and hope that when it happens I am able to never feel this way again.

The tides within my heart

"So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go. Cause everything ain't what I used to know. And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more. There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost."

~ Bobby Simmons Jr., "Ghost in the Machine"

That feeling...that lonely terrible feeling where you feel like a ghost roaming within the shell of your own life...all the haunts of the past continuously gracing your presence to remind you that you are not over the pain...the moments as raw and fresh as if they had happened seconds ago instead of some longer undefined time....

Living like a ghost in my own life...that would be the perfect description of how I am doing.  I am becoming tired of these thoughts of regret, thoughts of things and people lost, thoughts of sadness and heartbreak...I sometimes feel my loss has been multiplied over and over by decisions made that were not what I wanted, but easier for him.  Those actions I took based on decisions that can never be erased, never changed, never brought back.  

In this, I feel I lost more than just a relationship.  I lost something within myself.  I no longer have the ability to feel sympathy or empathy for others.  It is not that I do not care; I am just so lost within my pain I don't seem to notice the world or those surrounding me.  Now, I am feeling more like a ghost than a person among the living.  I navigate through moments within my today, to moments in the past...dates that would only mean something if we were still together...the emotions I feel come over me in waves.  One moment, the tide has swelled, and I am swept away.  I am swept to a moment in the past where I can literally smell him, almost feel his touch, hear his laugh, and that warmth when he would look at me.  In being swept away, I fall apart.  I slip into the water, and have that drowning sensation overwhelm me, gasping for air, attempting to grasp onto anything to maintain my head above the sea of emotions.  The next moment, that same tide has receded back into the oceans it came from.  I am back in the moment of today, I am focusing on what I should focus on, and able to feel my feet standing upon the solid ground again rather than searching for the depths of water.

My world has been turned upside down.  Nothing as I had previously known is the same.  And the future feels so intimidating to me.  I would love to grab the pieces of my heart, bottle of glue, and piece things together as I remember my heart before I felt it break...

and this is what it feels like

I often wonder why...why can't I just get over this...why does the pain still feel so fresh in my heart...why won't my mind just move past this.  I remember talking about this with you...how we both wondered how others were able to move on so easily...neither of us knowing what the future held for us, and how one year to the date you have been that person we didn't understand...that person who has been able to move forward so easily while I sit in pain...

Maybe you haven't moved forward as much as you have made aims to portray to the world...maybe you have moved further than I realize.  In either situation, however, I'm still grieving for you as if you walked out only seconds ago.  I am still driving in my car, tears welled up, ready to escape like a thief running from the scene of a crime.  I am still attempting to find the blessings in your absence from my world, and still trying to pretend I am okay, and that the world didn't stop when you and I last saw one another.  The past months have only served the purpose of waking, working, sleeping, and repeat...my body continues to function, but my spirit is gone, my desire to laugh diminished, my will to move on without you is gone.

I want you.  As foolish as this desire, it is still real.  I move through my days wondering what I could have done to create a different reality than that in which I reside.  The thought of being with someone else escapes me.  I can pretend for a few moments, allow another in for the briefest of time, but always come back to missing you, longing for your touch again, your voice encircling my world, and the love I still feel is to present and fresh in my mind to release your memory or the thought of you into the past.

My dreams are invaded by our time together. I can smell you still, see your smile, feel that warmth of your touch upon my skin.  I am transported to another time where being together, seeing each other, travel considerations, and reunions were possible.  I am reminded of how it felt to just sit next to you, or that feeling of knowing that by hearing your voice my day was instantly better. Something as simple as a time of day reminds me of you, and my heart is breaking at each moment of my day.  I haven't moved forward, not even a step.  I sometimes feel I have taken steps backwards, in the opposite direction from healing.

My desire to share my thoughts with those that care has been removed.  Why bother rehashing all my thoughts and feelings when I haven't been able to make a conclusion other than remaining in my pain.  What am I supposed to do?  Inflict my pain upon others?  Retell my pain over and over? Why bother doing that to someone else...it is much easier for me to just stick to myself, to not burden others with the pain.  In the end, I am the only one able to correct or fix myself; they could tell me all their soltions and remedies but I am not ready to listen or let you go yet.  I don't know how...

So, I sit...I sit, knowing you aren't coming back. I sit, swallowed by all the moments that happened a full year ago, wondering how we got to the place we are now. I sit, knowing you have moved on, I sit wishing you still wanted me...and knowing that is a dream that will never maintain a glimpse of reality again.  My mind knows you are gone.  My heart is unable to comprehend this as a possibility.  This is my reality now; this is how it feels to be in love with someone who does not love you.

Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't

An old man once said, 

"There comes a time in your life, 
when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. 

You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. 

Forget the bad, and focus on the good. 

Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. 

Life is too short to be anything but happy. 

Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

I love that quote above.  Such wisdom and courage within those words.  Words only someone who has walked away from people and drama would understand.  Words only someone who is surrounded by those who create joy could of comprehend it's importance.  Words only someone who has experienced the bad could have the clarity to differentiate the good, and feel blessed for both.  Words of someone who has been residing in an atmosphere of love and hate, of happiness and sorrow, of falling down a few times, but getting up more could say.  These are the words of someone who has lived, who had the courage to live.

In more ways than one, I need to embrace the words of an old man who has learned much through his older eyes upon his own journey.  I have much to learn, much to express, and much to give - and I need to discover the best ways of doing all three to benefit myself and those I love in my life. 

That need to walk away from drama and those that I am hurt by seems to be very relevant lately. I am great at walking away from the drama - I seem to fail, however, in letting it go within my heart.  I have a hard time letting go. Once someone has entered my heart, it seems I am unable to find the key to let them out.  And right now I am so desperately needing some of them to exit.  My mind consistently is in a tug of war with my heart.  My mind knows I should let go, but my heart still has those feelings of love, of caring, of compassion.  I am caught up every waking moment.  I drive home from work, in the comfort of my car, crying the entire way home at the thought of missing, of longing, of needing.  And for this, I beat myself up for.  I need to release for myself; my holding on is not of thought or consequence to them. But those that I have allowed within my heart, while their physical presence is not apparent, their essence still lingers as if they never left.

I write to express my thoughts.  I often have great difficulty in verbally expressing my thoughts in terms of conflict, of pain.  My mind races with all the items scattered similar to fall leaves scattered on the ground.  No rhyme, no reason to others. At times, there is no rhyme or reason even to myself.  Herein lies the difficulty. Because by the time my mouth has caught up to my mind, I have said something I possibly regret.  I tend to apologize for my words.  The last thing I want to do is hurt someone with my words.  In prefacing my words with "I hope this does not insult you..." typically it leads the other person to be offended and not even listen.  I wish I could speak more eloquently.  I wish I could be able to express myself in other methods besides paper and pen, or keyboard and monitor. I have shut down recently, unable to talk with anyone about the needs of my heart, my mind, and soul.  And sadly, even writing is difficult, and riddled with the fear I am writing the same words over and over without realizing it...I am trying to work things out, but there is such a thing as beating a dead horse...am I doing that?

I don't know if tomorrow will offer a different view from my heart.  I don't know if tomorrow I will wake up, and everything I have written will no longer be true.  I don't know if tomorrow I will finally, FINALLY, feel like myself again.  I don't know if I will be able to pick myself up, dust off the yesterdays, and walk again, one step in front of the other, until I am able to run with lighthearted remembrances, knowing I am moving toward something for myself rather than running away from something that withholds shadows of the past, and someone I can no longer have, but am still in love with.

And so I sit, in heartache. It seems at this point, the only thing I have been able to accomplish is the ability to pray for him; pray he is happy, pray he is doing okay.  Pray he has been able to do what he needs to do, for himself, and that his today is not filled with as much pain as mine.  This is an ongoing, every day prayer, several times a day.

Without the rain, there would be no rainbow

Copyright (c) Ahmed Sharif, 2006 http://www.flickr.com/photos/desherchobi/

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
~ Jerry Chin

I love rain. I have a location I like to drive to during the summer monsoon storms where I can see a view of the Phoenix skyline.  I can see the occasional lightening strikes, watch the drops fall from the skies above to reach my skin.  And even though I am in the middle of a busy city, I am in a spot very few know of, or would think to go. I also live in the desert where rain is seen rarely, appreciated greatly, and valued highly.  During these moments in my secret location I am surrounded by peace.  That peace I so desperately desire within my daily life filled with it's own storms of a different sort that, at times, show no sign of a rainbow to occur.

If only the storms within my life could be solved by a drive, a skyline, and a moment of cleansing such as I receive on my summer storm drives I take.  If only I was as strong as the wildflowers able to withstand the downpours we are known to receive, yet still maintain my ability to stand straight, appear to the world as I did before. I have been fortunate in my entire life to be surrounded by those who are strong - who resemble the wildflower.

My heart has recently suffered loss that my mind can't even comprehend.

Yet, the past few months have not been the cause or source of my pain, rather a simple continuation of sadness, a continuation of defeat, a continuation of this hole upon my heart that seems to grow bigger with each passing day.

Some days it feels this hole grows exponentially by the second.  Other days it feels that I am recooperating as if I have been suffering from some type of illness, and health is just around the corner.

But the truth is, I don't know if health is just around the corner...I have no way of knowing that.

I am weary of needing to be strong, to portray an image of strength and stability to the world.  I do not feel strong.  Others opinions of my strength is due to not knowing the true pain within my heart.  They see someone who is able to stand straight, when the opposite is actually closer to the truth.  My strength is a cover for the extreme sensitivity encompassing my world.  For once, I wish someone who hold me up, tell me and show me things will be okay.  For once, I would like someone to say "I believe in you, believe in your ability, and I am going to stand by your side always to remind you." instead of the "I am just not sure about (insert any excuse, comment, or thought I have heard within the past few months, the past few years, the past few decades), and need some time."  For once, I wish I could have that ability to let my guard down. 

I am stuck at this horrible crossroad within my life where each direction I look, I only see fog covering the path.  I am unable to see where the light may be, or if there is even a light at all.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to trust someone.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel joy, that unadulterated satisfying joy you only find within yourself.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel beautiful, to feel appreciated, to feel loved.  And right now, because I can't seem to conjure those feelings for myself, I am unable to allow others in to see that glow I may possess.  I am a child, hiding behind the legs of my father again, hoping to become invisible to the world when spoken to.  Yet, that does not happen.  Instead of becoming invisible, I feel I am completely naked and exposed in my emotion, in my pain, in the latest developments of whatever feeling is going on at this moment.  And, so sitting here, overcome with emotion, I have a tear-stained face, blurry eyes, and sinking feeling within my soul.  I have no resolution in sight, no real glimmer of hope, and only utter sadness.  I feel lonely even when surrounded by those I care about.  I feel this overwhelming despondency within an instance of happiness.  And I wish I could just stop it all...I wish I could just feel that peace I feel when watching the rain fall in my secret watching spot.

I hide away from the world.  I have stopped interacting with those who have shown themselves to not be trustworthy in an attempt to save me from further discomfort.  I have hidden my heart, the essence of my spirit from those who have always loved me.  In describing this to my sister, I have said I am like a turtle in her shell - protecting myself from the outside world while not letting anyone into my hiding place.  I have started analyzing the intentions of others, and where they may be headed with those intentions.  I don't have energy to invest time to waste on individuals who instigate hurt based on meddling, based on gossiping, and based on deception or omission.  Yet, at the same time, I have also placed upon my time the inability to share my frustrations with those who have not hurt me, who have not displayed insincere actions. I certainly do not feel like the wildflower, bending with the rain yet standing tall within the proceeding sunshine that always comes.

When I started writing this post, I had a different plan for the words I was typing than what I has evolved and the post I am now finishing with.  I have contemplated these words now for several days, and it seems I always have a blindfold upon my mind, unsure of where to navigate, and my heart feels bound by heavy chains as I attempted to complete this.  I am standing in the midst of this current storm where a majority of what I feel is panic.  There is no life vest or life boat rescuing me, the umbrella is not working as well as it should, and my feet are cold and damp. In my greatest of fears, I wonder if I'll see the rainbow that will come at the end of this storm, and it terrifies me. 

I miss him

I was going through old emails, text messages, pictures, general things I have held onto for fear of letting them go.  It is in keeping them I am reminded of what was.  In keeping them, I am also reminded of what could have been.  Right now, I have nothing but sadness in my heart.  Bitter-sweet are the words that were shared at one time.  Right now, my heart feels so heavy, my head feels as if it is spinning, and my world still feels out of sorts. 

The truth is that while I am trying with all my might to get over things, it isn't working.  It isn't working in my heart to erase the love I still feel.  It isn't working in my mind to simply think of something else.  The hardest part of letting go is knowing that in letting go you can never return.  Even worse, I am not sure I want to let go.  I am not sure even how to let go.  Today after work I cried myself home.  I prayed, pleaded with the Lord to release the thoughts I have.  Part of me wants to release, and the other part wants back what I had.  And somehow, I don't think either is correct 100%.

I am not sure given all the obstacles how he feels.  I have tried to not assume.  I have tried to just take what I know, leave it, and allow him to move on.  His request for a break was compounded by my knowledge of him seeing someone else before our talk of a break; why would I want to hold him back from that.  Isn't that the opposite of what you do when you love someone?  You don't confine them, you don't own them.  You allow them to be who they are.  How do I tell him that I am hurt by his own actions, but would rather he be happy with someone else than feel lonely while with me being 2,500 miles away? Yes, I know I deserve more than someone who may be seeing other people while trying to determine what I am to him.  That is not what I envision my life to be, that is not what I want to be a part of.  But tell that to my heart - it doesn't listen right now. I spent so long focusing on how to love him, how to show him my feelings, how to encourage and support him that I didn't see this coming.  And once it happened, once I knew what was going on past what he was telling me, I had to release due to that love.  I had to feel hurt in order to let him go.  I had to listen to details provided to me from others due to his inability to share with me.  Was that wrong?  Was that the worst thing I could have done in the situation I was in, given all I knew and found out?  In the end, I still miss him.  In the end, I still am crying over him.  In the end, my life hasn't changed since our talk - the only difference is that he and I talk infrequently, and our talks are centered around difficult decisions.

My heart is broken.  My spirit is broken.  My soul feels so lonely and I am not sure how to feel.  I lack trust on so many different levels, yet desperately cling to memories, to words via text or email.  How do I share this without feeling like once again my heart will be crushed.  I am smart enough to know that my feelings may not be reciprocated.  I am smart enough to know that I should not look back, but look forward.  But that is all mind over heart.  And my heart sadly always wins, or loses depending upon how you look at it.  Advise has been given, and while it hasn't fallen on deaf ears, it is still something I am trying to accept.

In recent conversations with him he is passive aggressive, letting me know he is upset by things I have said.  Clarity and care I think are needed on both ends. How do I tell him all the thoughts in my heart without alienating him, hurting him worse?  How can I tell him that I am still in love with him, and because I am still in love I keep my distance.  No one can understand that feeling unless they have been in my shoes.  There have been so many things between us, so many moments of confusion and pain that I am not sure he will understand where I am coming from.  I didn't want to have things end; I was contemplating a huge move to be closer to him, thought of all options of how to make things work, and do not understand why he chose the route he took.  I don't understand why I feel so discarded, so alone, so truly abandoned.  All I know is that I miss him, I miss what we shared, I miss talking, I miss laughing with him, our little jokes, the calls, the texts.  I miss his friendship, I miss his support; I just miss him.

I don't know how long it will take for my heart to feel mended. I am not sure how long it may take before I feel like I can smile without reservation, trust without fear, love without wondering when it will end.  I don't know how I can move forward while I am remaining in the past.  I wish my heart would snap back from this and I was on the road to another happiness, but until then I just wish my heart would not ache when hearing his voice, when seeing his name, when thinking about him, or seeing a picture of him.  I wish I would be able to just allow the Lord to help me move on.

Shutting down and other defense mechanisms

There are many things we may use to protect our hearts and minds during times of sadness, sorrow, trouble, or when dealing with pain.  For me, I shut down...literally.

I have never been good with confrontation.  In fact, I am one that tends to avoid it as much as I can.  While some confrontation is good, I prefer to avoid the type of confrontation that leads to arguments, or other situations that lead to only hurt, pain, and disillusionment.

Recently, this has been where I reside.  I reside in a state of shut down.  I have a hard time expressing myself to those I once viewed as being close for fear of being exposed for my feelings.  I have a hard time letting go and letting God do what needs to be done within my life. 

I was in a conversation on the phone recently where I was told I was the one who decided to have things "over".  Along with every other emotion I have been dealing with, I was taken aback by this statement.  How did I decide things were over when I knew details that were not pleasant to know?  I don't think it was too much to ask when confronting a situation, requesting the truth, to receive omission that later I am blamed for.  Here is the thing.  Because I love him, because I truly wanted him to be happy, I had to face the fact that if he was seeing other people, maybe he was not as happy with me.  If he wanted to move on, why would I hold him back?  I didn't decide to move on, I wasn't seeing anyone else.  I wasn't omitting my emotions or feelings.  I was trying to determine ways to be together, ways to enrich both of our lives, and to be with him.  I wasn't talking to other people, entertaining the idea of seeing others, I wasn't introducing my family to someone new.  I wasn't walking around telling other people that things were over between us - that we had a talk about being on a break.  How could I be the one who decided to have things over when all I wanted was to be with him, give him the space he asked for, and try to continue to maintain faith that if this was something meant to be, it would all work out.

I guess I have lost faith in so many things in the past three months.  I went from thinking I was with someone I would share more time with to being treated in passive aggressive methods for him to show his own pain.  I went from feeling comfortable sharing my thoughts to being told my thoughts were extremely hurtful and that I am foolish in how I feel.  I went from being told I was important and special to being told I was hurtful to him.  I have lost the person I loved, and at the same time I hear from him telling me how awful a person I am.  All I did was try to avoid confrontation, to treat him with respect and wait for him to tell me what was going on. 

It hurts.  The whole situation has been nothing short of a dream gone wrong.  I don't understand so much, I don't have anyone to really discuss this with.  And while he says we will talk about things sometime, what will that conversation be?  Me, listening to him tell me how horrible I am when I sat, believing he wanted to be with me but was making plans with someone else?  I would have done anything for him to be happy, for him to have the life he needed and wanted.  That meant me walking away, allowing him that space he requested.  That meant I knew he was with someone else, and choosing to not let this be difficult for me.  That meant that when he contacted me with confusing emails telling me he was still thinking about what he wanted I had to choose to not confront him with what I knew, and ask questions. 

No, instead I have shut down.  I have shut down and am unable to discuss my feelings.  I am unable to discuss the amount of pain my heart feels.  I am unable to think clearly, and evidently unable to tell him how I am feeling without fear of hurting him again, without revealing where I am and what I feel for fear of ridicule.  I am so alone in this world right now, so painfully alone with my thoughts, and with my unrealized dreams.

hope where there was no hope

What Would God Say?® 

I will give you hope where there was no hope, a future that will allow you to dream big dreams, and the vision to live out what I have planned for you. Have faith in me, obey my word, and I will guide your steps.

The past 2 1/2 months have been very difficult.  I went from believing in something to feeling all is lost.  I made decisions that were based on what I knew, but not on reality.  I made other decisions that were beyond my comprehension of making all for the sake of someone else's wishes.  I have cried myself to sleep, cried myself to work, cried myself home, and attempted to not cry in front of my children.  I have prayed with a fervent heart for something that was not meant to be, and once realized, again prayed in thanksgiving for my unanswered prayers.  I have had to listen to others discuss my life as if it were up for debate, hear others advise that was both solicited and unsolicited.  I have had to swallow my pride at times, acting as if I was okay.  I have foolishly acted prideful at other times afraid to allow others to see the true pain I have been in.

The truth is, while these months have not been the hardest I have ever experienced, they rocked me to the core none-the-less.  They have shaken my foundation of belief in others, in friends, in those I love, those I am in love with, or was in love with.  My heart is broken, and for undeserved reasons.  Well, undeserved in my terms, and maybe not in others points of view.  Actions of others, their attempts to shield me rather than tell me what was actual, is never an easy pill to swallow.  I have had to walk around as a shell of who I am, afraid of who to trust, afraid of what others may know, and afraid of how I will come out, how my children will come out, and how he will come out in the end.

The truth is, I feel broken.

I feel broken.  I have lost something I found great value in.  I found great value in the person I was in love with.  I found great value in his time, in his spirit, in his friendship.  I found great value in who I was with him.  I found great value in the moments we shared, and the ways we were able to continue on despite a great distance between us.  I feel broken, not understanding why this great value I placed upon a relationship, and upon him was somehow not returned in the ways I would have liked.  I would have just preferred honesty, preferred to know how he was feeling and what was truly going on rather than discovering and having this confirmed by others.  I would have preferred to not have everyone in my office know the true state of my relationship due to someone else, and not by me.  I would have preferred to not have awkward conversations with friends as to what condition I was in, what I planned on doing, and offering to allow me to lean on them.  

I feel broken.  I feel as if the other shoe finally dropped, and in a way no one is able to recover.  I don't want the world to know how I feel.  I don't want to share my pain with anyone.  Partially because I am not even sure where the true pain lies.  I am not sure where to place my newly found reality in my life, and move forward.  I am afraid to step forward for fear of causing more pain to someone that I never wanted to hurt in the first place.  My pain, my pride, and my attempts to describe how my heart is broken have only resulted in resentment on his behalf.  A resentment I don't understand wholly, yet know it exists because he has told me.

I have spent so many nights trying to rediscover hope, rediscover faith.  While I rejoice in my unanswered prayers, I also continue to wonder what is so broken about me that causes those I am in love with to run.  What is so inconceivably wrong with me that they find a reason to cover how they feel due to their knowledge of my own sensitivity.  Why am I the one who is left crying in the corner, while they are making decisions to move forward without me?

During the past months, I have spent many moments praying.  Some prayers were of great pain, of wondering where the Lord has been, because I have felt deserted and separated greatly from Him.  In the smallest of ways He always shows me His love.  To the naked eye, one would pass it off as coincidence.  One would assume it was by pure chance.  I choose to believe He has sent many angels to me for comfort in form of old and dear friends, of moments that could only be created by Him to provide me with His grace, with His love.  I am trying to move forward.  I know that what I had will never return.  I know that what I wanted is not what was the best for my overall life in the long-run.  I know that, regardless of my broken heart, regardless of the pain shared by the person I was in love with and myself, regardless of pride, of the loss of something I valued, that He is here with me now.  He is guiding me to the next adventure I should be on.  

For all the brokenness I feel, for the loss of hope, faith, and trust I may feel now, He will replace those feelings with the essence of His grace, His guidance, and His blessings.  I only have to be patient.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

The value of trust

The value of trust.  That core essential quality one must have in so many different avenues of life.  This quality in which we look beyond ourselves, placing belief in something or someone else.  This ability to go beyond our comfort zones, placing faith in something or someone else.

Trust is more than believing in someone else.  It is allowing someone to enter your life, enter your heart.  It is allowing someone else to know your inner thoughts, your deep secrets, and sometimes, most importantly, your inner most fears not known by the world.  It is allowing your heart to open in ways never before.  It is allowing this one person to know you in ways so intimate, you never knew you could share things without regret.  Trust in someone else is allowing their influence as a stamp upon your life.  Knowing they will be there when push comes to shove.  Knowing they will stand up for you, protect you from the outside world, shelter you from pain, and be truthful in their intentions.

In many ways, I have lost this essential quality.  I have lost that ability to allow someone into my heart without always wondering if they are going to hurt me.  I have lost that ability to believe in what they say as truth.  I always question if they are being honest with me, or only being as honest as they can at that moment in trying to not hurt me.  Sad.  It effects aspects of my life in dramatic ways.  In my professional life, I worry that what I am being told about my work performance is not actually the truth.  I wonder if sharing my thoughts will lead to being viewed as weak.  I worry that if I share an idea, it will be swept up and used by someone else.  In my personal life, I worry that when someone tells me they like spending time with me, are they only saying this to ease my anxiety over relationships?  When they say they want to spend more time with me, then have other things occupy their time - are they seeing someone else?  I wonder if when they say they care about me, are they saying this because they want to be with me, or is this yet another way to kindly brush me off into the sunset...

Right now, there is the core of my own fears with trust - what is perpetually wrong with me that this same scenario keeps occurring over and over...why do I allow people into my life that only end up hurting me in the end?  Yes, they may have been trying to protect me.  Yes, they may not have meant the pain in the beginning...but they all seem to have the same results.  What is it about me, Ruthe, the person that I am, that allows this to happen time and time again?  In all the situations I can think of, I am the common bond.  I am the common bond to those that have hurt me.  I am the common bond in failed relationships, in failed friendships.  It cannot always be the other person.  What is it that I need to change to establish the value of trust back into my life?  What do I do that creates such results of pain in the end, and why - WHY - do I tend to repeat these over and over again?

In the end, and as of right now, the only people I can truly trust include the members of my family and a select number of friends I have known over the course of decades...there may be a sprinkle of those newly introduced into my life I can trust, but overall, I am dismayed by how little others have treated my life, have treated my pain.  I am dismayed that those I confided in would share my hurt with so many others.  And for what?

I constantly am second-guessing myself within the past few months.  I can only work from what I am told, and if what I am being told is only half truths, how can I form an opinion or decision that affects my life correctly?  I constantly am looking for signs that those around me are not being 100% truthful, but just truthful enough for them to consider it as not lying outright to me.  I worry that what I share with others is not remaining between the two of us, but rather shared with the world, and others around me are talking about my life as if it were front page news.  Some of this is justified.  Some of this has actually happened, and it is always painful to find out later that what you thought as truth, or what you believed is not true.  It is painful to realize that those closest to you are actually making you fodder for their conversations with others, all the while saying they do not want to get involved.  If you didn't want to become involved - why bother sharing my life with others?  It is painful to realize that all you have worked for and towards is not the same goals as others had.  And while you were busy trying to make decisions based on what you knew, you later find your decisions were incorrect due to half truths, cover-ups, and everyone else knowing what is actually going on.

I am constantly wondering in new relationships I form, be it friendship or of the romantic pursuit, is this person going to do the same thing?  Everyone is unique, not everyone is aiming to hurt you.  Sometimes they are not even aware of the pain caused until it is too late.  Sometimes they were actually attempting to protect you, but in the meantime hurting you more due to the run-around.  Will those I allow into my life in the future do the same?

The value of trust...I hope one day to have this quality reinstalled within my life.  I pray one day to have a relationship where I do not question his intentions, or if he is providing me only half truths.  I believe one day that when I share my deepest of thoughts, or the pain I am feeling, it will not become fodder for everyone else in the world to know without being uttered from my lips.  I hope one day that all things that have caused me to write this post will only be a distant memory - something that is hazy, something that seems more like a terrible dream I had rather than a constant theme of my daily life.  For the meantime, the hurt I feel seems to influence me to protect my heart, protect my thoughts, and protect me hopefully from future tears.

Heartbreaks and other things

 

Funny thing about getting your heart broken.  You know you will recuperate eventually, you know your heart may not be 100% again, but it will heal and allow you to feel again. Eventually, what you think of and start to have tears well up will eventually become moments of fondness and a smile.  But that all takes time.

As humans, we are amazing creatures with the ability to heal, ability to remember, and ability to forget.  When I think of the times I have had my heart broken, I am lucky to be able to count those moments on one hand.  But, those moments nearly took me out for the count.  Each time my heart breaks, I have learned that while my heart will never be as open as it was, other areas may open to allow new experiences to occur.  Parts of my heart that have forever been sealed shut due to hurt may slowly lose their power over my daily thoughts.  Where once I was bruised, I may be able to have healing.

Where once I felt joy, I know only feel sadness.  That longing for what could have been, what was, and what has occurred are lonely places to revisit.  In revisiting these lonely places, I immediately sink...my heart sinks, my head starts to spin, my mind starts to resemble that of a sunken ship lost at sea. All the pieces are there, but they will never see the light of day until someone decides to take the plunge and rescue them.  Right now, I an on a swing of some imaginary play set, pumping my legs to go up and down, shifting between being okay one moment, and feeling like my world is crumbling the next.

When our heart is broken, we sometimes focus so much energy on what happened to us to create that pain.  The moments that redefined how we felt, the instances where we literally felt our heart shattering.  For each person that has broken my heart, there are moments where I am sure I broke theirs too, unknowingly, unintentionally, unwillingly.  In our own hurting, we sometimes are unable to see beyond that pain to realize or acknowledge the pain of the one who created our turmoil.  Sometimes there are two people hurting, but unable to share that pain with one another due to being the root, the source of the pain.

Life is not fair.  There are many things that will happen in which you will never have answers.  You will not always understand at the moment of your pain why you must feel the way you do.  You will not understand until enough time has passed, enough reflection has occurred, and you are more willing to let go of your pain to view the world again as a safe place.  For every time your heart is broken, may you discover twice as many wonderful achievements, delights, and overall joys you wouldn't have known had it not been for the heartbreak.  For every person that breaks your heart, may you have another enter that helps to heal, helps to reconnect you to your genuine self, that person who believed, who had faith, who had love, and shared this with another person.

What the past year has taught me

The moment you made me an option in your life is the moment you were no longer became a priority in mine.

That sentiment of becoming an option verses a priority seems to be the theme of my past year.  That ability to discard what needs to be discarded, and cherish what should be cherished.  That ability to move on, forward as ever, and learn from the mistakes of yesterday.

If you had told me a year ago of all the experiences I would encounter within the next 12 months of my life, I would have thought you were joking.  I would have thought you were crazy.  I would have told you I would never endure through some of those experiences.  Yet, here I am, one year later, and still standing. 

Some days I may not stand as straight as I could.  Other days I stand straighter than ever.  I have been tested, tried, experienced great moments of sadness, and great moments of joy.  All of these created on hell of a year.  What were those moments?

Last year at this time I had just moved into a new place to live, and started a new job.  I was struggling with all that was familiar being gone, and replaced with uncertainty, newness, and change.  Today, I have settled into both nicely, and while the new place I am living is small, I have learned it isn't the size of what you have, but that you have a roof over your head to be thankful for.  

Had you told me last year at this time that I would go through not just one, but two breakups, I would have told you I couldn't do that.  I couldn't possibly allow my heart to be broken twice.  Yet, it has happened.  Both in completely different ways did this come about.  

The first breakup was in honesty, was in faith that what I was being told would not crush me but make me stronger. I will always love him, and as time has passed I have discovered I appreciate his friendship we still share together.  I am thankful he was honest with me.  I am thankful he let me go to grow on my own, remembering all the moments we shared, helping me build more moments of all I learned with others.  He is one of the few people I know would be there for me if I needed help.  He has proven himself to be reliable to this day in his promises made while we were together.  He still takes on the role of confidant with my children, still spends time with them, providing that fatherly role both of my children don't have, but may need more than I realize.  I am thankful beyond belief that he broke things off with me for no other reason than I am able to see him in a different light.  He was right, we wouldn't have worked out.  There were too many things I didn't see while I was with him that were not necessarily deal breakers, but just things that I wouldn't have been happy with forever.

The second breakup is not as honest, not as faith-filled, and only time will tell how my heart will heal from the experience.  Each day I face difficulties with trusting people now.  Some of that is on me, some of it is on him.  Eventually I have to let things go, keep moving forward, and try to remember all the wonderful experiences I had.  I was different with him.  I was more willing to open up in ways I had not opened up since I was younger.  I believed in possibilities again.  I believed in myself in so many ways.  While my heart is definitely on the mend, and it may take time to fully recover, I will always love him in certain ways.  He gave me something no one else has, and no one else may be able to give in the future.  It is sad that it had to end with lies, but I guess it was never meant to be if it ended this way.

I had to buy a new car when my old car died.  This was not an expense I was ready for, and I was not ready to depart from my car I lovingly called Fred.  The new car has been a source of frustration for some points, and has spent time in the shop for a car accident...but such is life.

We welcomed a new member into our family - Wendy.  Wendy is a cute little corgi/shelty mix that looks like a fox, has instincts like Cujo, and protects you like no other if she loves you.

I traveled more this year for personal reasons than I ever had.  It did help dating someone who did not live locally to rack up the miles, but that is another positive I take from the debacle it became.  I traveled to San Diego, New York City, Connecticut, a few other New England locations.  I was able to see the Statue of Liberty and World Trade Center on 9-11, went to a few airshows, fed giraffes and rhinos.

I discovered I actually like sushi, and enjoy eating it.  This would have been reason to question another person's sanity had they told me this a year ago, but now, I love the stuff.

I learned what it meant to support someone, love someone, and care for someone in a better way.  Whether this is regarding my kids, my family, or the person I was with, it remains true.  

I have learned that sometimes those you believe are friends may not be the best of friends you thought them to be.  Yes, they may be there for you when the going gets rough, and for that I am thankful.  But they may also be sharing your secrets with others, and this reminds me to be more guarded with my secrets.  It reminds me to seek out the counsel of prayer more, and the counsel of men less.  

I have learned once again that my family absolutely amazes me.  I am so fortunate to be surrounded by those who love me, who support me, who beyond a shadow of a doubt are there for me.  I have the fortune of knowing these individuals, their strengths, weaknesses, highs, lows and everything in between.  In turn, they too know these things about me.  Yet we still can look at each other with eyes of love, forgiveness, and forever know we are there for one another.

I have been so very fortunate to have a year as I have had.  In a year with so many ups and downs, I consider myself fortunate.  While I do not wish to ever relive this year, I do believe there were more positives that came about than negatives.

Those decisions you can't take back

Every day we have a chance to start anew - new sunrise, new hope, new day to begin.  We have the ability to move passed any pain from yesterday, believing today will be the day we are able to overcome our fears, overcome previous hurts, overcome previous haunts.

It would be nice to live in a world where a new dawn truly represented a clean slate.  A new day where everything was fresh again.  A day where decisions we made yesterday, or yesteryear no longer haunt us.  But this is not how life works.  Our hearts are fickle.  We rely upon the past to protect us today.  We learn that if we touch something that is hot, it will burn.  We commit this to memory, rely upon this as a safeguard.

Do we ever really get over the decisions we made, move forward, and never rehash those moments in our heads and hearts again?

I can remember decisions I made that I wish I had done differently.  I remember the smell in the air, the way the light was reflecting in the room as I made my decision.  I can remember the background noises, quiet, undefined, but deafening none the less.  That moment where I crossed the line from unsure to definite in the decision process, so much like crossing the finish line at some imaginary race my mind was running.  That feeling of knowing I could not go back once the action occurred.  And the terror to realize maybe I could have chosen differently, had a better outcome, higher success rate had I just thought a bit longer.  These decisions are not for the faint of heart.  They are not the decisions you can joke about.  It isn't a "Coke or Pepsi?" type of decision.

Sometimes, there is no ability to know if you are making the right decision.  You have to go on faith.  There is no right or wrong answer, only a different path that you will start upon.  Other times, it is a great struggle because you know it alters your world in such a way you are forever changed.  Those decisions, those that affect your heart, mind, body, and soul; those are the decisions where your view of the world is no longer what it was 10 seconds beforehand.  Those are the decisions that can't be changed.  Good or bad, you now must live with the responsibilities of your decision.  You must somehow learn to move passed the pain, to learn to love again, laugh again, trust and hope again. 

I hope to be able to move passed the pain.  I hope I can learn how to love again, to laugh again.  I hope I know how to trust again.  I want to believe again.  And that all just takes time, I suppose.

Scar Tissues that I wish you saw...

It is funny how someone can touch your life.  There are those that come in for a short time, filling our lives with immense joy.  Others who remain for a lifetime as a source of strength.  And then there are those that come in, cause destruction left and right, and scars so deep you feel the Grand Canyon exists within your soul.

This is what the last relationship I was in has done to my heart.  Where once there was happiness, once there was a desire to talk to him, support him, and help him, it is now a black hole within my heart that I hope in time will recuperate so that I can move on with my life, with him only serving as a blur.

It is not easy, being single.  It is not easy to meet people, especially those with whom you want to maintain contact with.  It isn't easy to find someone worth 2 minutes of your time, much less 2 minutes worth of the bullshit you wasted while learning they weren't worth your time.  And thanks to the last relationship I was in, I have so many apprehensions about trusting another man.

When betrayal has occurred in a relationship, when lies were present, when the other person opted to withhold rather than divulge, you are left with this feeling that protecting your heart is of the utmost priority.  Unfortunately, this also puts you on a high alert that pales in comparison to any national security alert that we could go through.  You look at people differently.  Instead of accepting someone at face value, you wonder when they are going to deceive you.  Instead of enjoying your time getting to know who that other person is, you are waiting for them to deceive you.  Instead of letting someone in, you maintain a 5 foot rule upon your heart at all times.

It hurts.  It hurts that when someone tells me I am special to them I am waiting for them to also lie to me about their intentions.  It hurts that when I see them on their cell phone checking email or text messages I am wondering if they are looking at something from the other person they are seeing that I am unaware of.  It hurts that I am always suspicious of what I am being told, what I am being led to believe, and what may actually be truth don't seem to align.  It hurts to care about someone, then have them disappoint you in such a way you feel you may not recover.  It hurts that I get to walk around, feeling like I am on a tightrope 100% of the time, waiting to fall without any safety net. 

The damage the last relationship did to my heart goes far beyond anything I can describe.  The secrets, the lies, the omissions, the deceit.  All of it waged upon my heart like a firing squad.  I never even stood a chance because you can't make the right decisions for yourself and those that you care about when you are basing them on the lies you are being told.  All I wanted to do was support him, care about him, and have the same in return.  Instead, I was emotionally spat upon.  I don't know when I will ever be over the actions he carried out so precisely like a hit man upon my heart.

Just when I think I am getting over it, moving forward, something new always pops up to remind me.  A memory, something someone says, a smell, the mention of a place...And then it floods in.  All that doubt about why someone who claimed to care could discard me so callously.  All that confusion of how you can care for someone, love them, support them, and they return to you with lies.  And just like that, all my wounds surface as if he is sitting across from me right now, telling me the lies he told me all over again.  It is the emotional equivalent of whiplash...only there is no one to adjust your heart...no one to make things right with him ever again...nothing that will remove that pain I feel at this moment.  The wounds are so fresh at this moment I am beyond words to even express my pain.  I am not angry, but rather I am so numb to what has been done.

I just want to move on.  I want to experience true happiness for longer than 5 minutes with the memory of you dancing in the background.  I want to not feel so much pain when I see a picture of you.  I want to not have tears well in my eyes at the thought of what lies you told me, and how you sit there, so smug, thinking you got away with the robbery of my heart and feelings.  I want to not think about you anymore.  I want to know that when I wake up tomorrow I won't have a single thought about the pain you have placed in my life. I want to never think about why you treated me like a scrap of paper, discarded when no longer needed.  I want to remember what it is like to have someone actually give a damn about me, care for me, and take me into consideration rather than fill my ears with what you have deemed 'appropriate'.  I want to no longer deal with the scars, or wonder if i will ever feel the ability to trust again.  I want to feel again, I want to love again, I want to be myself again, unafraid to share my heart, and unafraid to trust.

Thanks for the scars, GL.  Thank you for all the pain I am feeling right now as you sit smugly thinking you are getting away with it.  Thank you for taking my heart, and smashing it.  Thank you for that level of sensitivity you behold that truly is note-worthy.  Thank you for helping create so much doubt within my mind, body, soul and heart based upon your actions.  Thanks for the scars...

The legacy you left behind

The truths and lies you tell become the legacy you leave behind - which would you rather be remembered by?

The legacy you leave behind, regardless of the whatever it may be, is your choice.  In a work related element, the legacy of how hard you worked, going above and beyond when needed, and performing at a high level of success may be marred by their lack of attention to detail at their departure.

The legacy you leave behind in a personal relationship, also, can be marred...and very quickly.  Where you may have once been able to exit graciously, head held high because you were able to convey things were not working out, in one way or another, can be completely ruined when you decide to exit before telling the other person.  Or, worse, you make excuses, still feign interest and care, telling the other person you need time when you are already seeing someone else.  This, my friend, is your new legacy...the legacy of a cheater.  The legacy of a coward, and the legacy of someone who does not deserve her crying over you.

Did you realize she knew you were lying to her when you sat, talking about what to do, telling her your confliction and difficulties you were feeling within your heart? Did you know she knew the truth when you denied your actions?  Did you know she will eventually be stronger than you ever gave her credit for? 

It isn't that the break is bad enough...that change in focus from talking to the other person, caring about them, making sure they were okay...all those things you do while you are with someone.  It isn't that telling someone you need time is bad.  That may be completely acceptable.  No, it is the fact you sat there, with a straight face when asked if you were seeing someone else that you chose - yes, chose - to lie, and say you weren't.  It is the fact you decided to start seeing someone new without letting her, the person you were still with, 'in' on this new development.  It is that you chose to string her along for days, weeks, maybe even months, telling her you were confused, conflicted, or struggling.  It is that you decided to take this one step further, introduce this new person into the lives of your family without letting that girl you have been stringing along know what was going on.  The "break" you requested was not a break to decide what you wanted, but a break-up that you failed to fully talk about to her even while she sat there asking.

It isn't bad enough that you strung that her along -  that you told her of your supposed confliction, your difficulties.  It is that you made her look like a fool.  You told others she was not letting go, or that you aren't contacting her.  All the while, her phone has a ringtone specially attached to you, and others know when you are calling her during the day.  You told others you had the conversation of being on a break, but in the meantime there was no conversation about this, only many talks where nothing was resolved.  These talks, always occurring early in the morning, making her day extremely difficult to manage after such a talk where nothing was resolved.  You tell others everything is resolved, yet in emails you talk again about needing time.

It isn't bad enough that you strung her along, but that you lied to her when being asked if you were seeing someone else before completing a talk about a break.  That you continued the charade of allowing her to believe you were conflicted, that this was hard for you, and that you cared. That you held her hand, hugged her telling her how much you missed her.  And all the while, completely unaware she knew of your deceit.  Unaware the only thing she wanted from you at that point was just honesty.  Unaware her heart was breaking into a million pieces.  Unaware that the touch you offered only increased her feelings of resentment toward the situation of this break you wanted because you needed time to think.

It isn't bad enough that you continued this act, but that you offered an email saying that you were praying for you both to be strong, to have faith, and to hold onto the hope that no matter what, you were both fortunate and healthy...then proceeded to attempt calling her twice in the span of 10 hours...all this after you continued to say you cared, after you kissed her neck while hugging her, kissed her shoulder and told her she looked pretty, and let's not forget...after you broke her heart and lied to her about seeing other people.

The worst of this is she was and is aware of your deception the entire time you sat, performing this great act.  She sat there, watching you, supporting you, allowing you to talk things through.  She treated you as she wished to be treated, with respect, with kindness.  And all the while, you did not deserve her treatment of kindness.  All the while, you did not deserve anything other than a kick in the ass.  She carried on the game you started, missing the person she knew, and not the person standing in front of her.  And when she said she missed you, it was that person she was referring to.  When she was still showing her support toward you, it was for all the moments she remembered, and not for the moment she was currently in.

All these little nuances change the legacy you leave on someone's heart, mind, and soul.  Instead of your legacy being that of someone it just didn't work out with, now the legacy is that of someone who took the time to lie, took the time to cover your tracks, took the time to convince others, took the time to break her heart, and continued to do so over and over.  Instead of having a legacy of fondness, of possible friendship down the line, you took her heart, played on it like a child does a playground.  Your legacy will forever be tainted.

There is never a good reason to do this...if you truly cared about the other person, you would be honest.  If you truly cared you would let them know.  Yes, the truth hurts, but it is by far easier to live with than the destruction caused by lies, by cheating and betrayal of trust.  It is easier for someone to continue in their day, armed with the truth than to live with a false sense of hope that will never be fulfilled. It is easier to allow her to walk away than destroy her path in front of her.

Silly girl, maybe love is not for you

That moment when you realize something important can change your outlook forever.  It may be the moment you realized you do like something you never thought you would, you try something you always feared, or simply tried doing something differently than your usual actions.  In a way, this self-discovery is so liberating you can't wait to discover the next new thing you didn't know.

But there is always that epiphany that can break your heart, as well.  The ones where you realize something so vital, yet do not want to believe it.  Typically this involves someone else, since we are not able to sometimes do this with ourselves.

Recently, my son came home to tell me the girl he liked, who told him she liked him, declined to go out with him.  "Mom, she lied to me."  Of course, I wanted to tell him she didn't lie to him, and while I am not sure the reasons why she declined his request, I can sympathize with him greatly.  That epiphany you are not as important to someone else as you see them in your life...that crushing moment where you realize what you once thought was a relationship blossoming has actually just turned into a bed of weeds, worn down by "I'm just really busy," or other forms of excuses.  And once again, you are wondering what is wrong with you.

I am wondering this.

What is it about me?  Why is it just not possible to have someone love me, want to be with me, desire to hold my hand when times are tough, and look forward to seeing my smile every day?  Especially given this feeling not being something that was so apparent.  Do I miss clues along the way?  Do I ignore signals, or look too deeply into a situation?  And if that is the case, how am I supposed to look at a situation when someone tells me how amazing I am, how perfect I am, how special I am?  Right now, I feel so stupid.  I wish I could protect my heart from any pain.  I wish I could either skip past this to know how it all ends, or rewind to a time when he was not so important to me.

I wonder all types of silly girl things.  I wonder if I don't call, will he even notice?  I wonder why I even care.  I wonder why I am so unimportant at times, but highly important at other times.  Does he talk to other girls the way he talks to me?  Does the way he talk to me represent how he talks to everyone?  Am I really that insignificant?

We recently had a talk about his times where he is up and down.  He apologized for sometimes seeming distant, and that he cares so much for me.  He told me I am so attentive to him, listen to him, he feels comfortable telling me things, that I do things for him that no one else has ever done for him, and I am consistently thoughtful toward him.  He told me he appreciated me, and was so thankful for having me in his life.  And while there is a great physical distance between us, time would tell what would happen.

How do you go from that, to not calling, and worse - not even bothering to answer your phone when I call.

I went to sleep last night with the realization that I am not important in the ways needed for him.  I went to bed feeling like my heart was ripped from my chest in feeling at any moment, he will discard me the same way you discard garbage.  And once again I am walking down that familiar road of tearful resolution - wondering when it will be my time to find someone who loves me, wants to be with me.

Maybe I was a fool from the very beginning.  Maybe his living in another state was my first clue to not get involved.  After being promised my heart would not be broken, I realize now that is a promise that can not be kept.  One moment he treats me as a girlfriend, the next he treats me as a pal.  And maybe he does not know what he wants - maybe he is scared of how he feels, and therefore pushes me away.  And maybe that is all in my head.

I feel like the girl who watches the love of her life walk off with someone else.  After becoming close to his family, of hearing how his mom wants us to be together, and his niece asking about me, I feel like things are slipping away.  I feel so hurt right now in so many different ways, I cannot begin to describe my emotions with clarity.  What I do know I feel without a doubt is that I am lonely for him, lonely for his words that make me feel peaceful, and wondering if or when I will be able to have answers further than the questions in my heart.

You give your hand to me
and then you say hello
And I can hardly speak,
my heart is beating so
And anyone could tell,
you think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
and longs to hold you tight
To you I'm just a friend,
and that's all I've ever been
No, you don't know me

For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
and then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
To never, never know the one who loves you so
No, you don't know me

Originally written 3/8/2011