"Never place me within the shadows of the actions from those who came before me. I cannot make amends for them. I can only be responsible for my own."
There are many times in my life where I have been subjected to the actions of someone else before me. It is human; I get it. We protect ourselves by remembering the actions of others who hurt us, and become cautious of those who are new, entering our safe little world. This has happened in school, work, personal relationships, family. I am sure everyone in this great wide open spaces of Earth can complain about the same issue.
At what point, though, do you realize you may be missing something important or special when judging someone else based on evil-doer's of the past?
I worked for a company where the owner/president was so afraid someone was not going to perform if given 5 inches of room that the rest of us suffered. In the years prior to my being hired there had been many who had come and gone, graced their presence within the walls of the company. Of those that remained - their noses were always to the grindstone. Newbies that entered would automatically be assumed as lazy, or trying to take advantage of a situation no worth taking advantage of. I was victim of being accused of this until my last day of employ - where up until 4:59pm that day I didn't take the easy way out, but instead was submitting issues to the Development team at that time. I got off forever at 5. In starting my new job the following Monday to this day I suffer from the "Let's see how this pans out" mentality. I am told of new processes or people being hired and wonder "how long will it take before this is pushed to the side?" My previous experience taught me that as soon as a process is put into motion it will quickly be gone. If a new superior is hired, they will quickly figure out it is not a place they will remain long due to neurosis. This is in no reflection or direct relation to the new company; it is ghost of company past that leads to these feelings.
In friendships, I have been known to be the judge and jury due to others mistakes and the newbies that enter. I have a hard time letting new people in, and must feel secure before allowing my guard to be lowered. It is not fair, and I know it is not always right. But some knives others left in my back are still present, and still causing pain. Of those I let in, they are often friends for life. Of those that are gone, well, there is only so many lies, slaps in the face, stealing of boyfriends, and sarcastic tones I can take. Of those I trust, they may see more than they thought they were getting into. I rely upon them to be an anchor when I am floating away into oblivion. They are my rock when I am on sandy shaky grounds. It is a spot that is, in my mind, rare to reach, but forever in my heart once you reach it.
The most interesting place where I don't tend to create these rules is in personal relationships. I don't tend to create rules based upon previous hurts.
You would think after certain experiences this is where I would guard my heart the most. You would think after everything is said and done, I may not trust another person again. I have been a victim one too many times. But what good is playing the part of victim. We are all, in one way or another, a victim. It is one thing to live through and make it out on the other side of our pain. It is quite another to succumb to that pain and play dead. I regret not being able to continue a marriage; but in the end the marriage almost killed me. I was riddled with anxiety, fear, and lost who I was. I ceased from being Ruthe, to being someone who was afraid of her own shadow, and let life take care of her instead of taking care of life. The day my divorce was finalized was not one of celebration - the celebration would have been remaining married for 5, 10, 20 more years. I didn't feel like going out and toasting to a job well done. I had failed at something very close to my heart; I had failed my children. But the realization of wanting my children to grow up in a home they felt safe in, without arguing, without tension, without ill will for someone else was far more important for the bigger picture.
I dated a person who told me he loved me, then turned around and cheated on me with someone else who claimed to be a best friend. I dated another person who told me for nearly 5 years he was one of the few stable things I had in my life, one of the few people I could rely upon, only to turn around and leave. I dated someone else who was afraid that, based upon having children, I was wanting to settle down with him, call ourselves a family, and send Happy Father's Day cards to him. Two of those three men are still in my life as friends, as someone who eventually saved me from a life I was not intended to have. They all taught me an important lesson of how to learn to open my heart, believe in possibility, let go, forgive, and once again learn to open my heart, and to love again.
Of those past hurts, I have realized everyone is unique, and should not be changed. I tried so many different "methods" to change my ex-husband. In the end, it left me lonely and filled with despair. I vowed to accept everyone since then with an open heart. I don't make people jump through hoops, or "prove" themselves to me. But I also will pay close attention to what they say, what they claim, and what they do. The actions of those in my past are only bound to repeat themselves if I allow myself to walk down the same paths. And yes, there may be new hurts to feel, new losses to experience. But if I do not allow my heart to open to that possibility, I am a bigger fool than those who hurt me previously.
I am so blessed to know strong women of all ages. Women who have survived much, been through much, and have the ability to remember the past in fondness and not bitterness.
