Click above link to listen to Gary Allen singing "Best I Ever Had"
I feel my life in the past couple of weeks has been flipped upside down. All I knew to be good seems like now like a dismal shade of gray, and the source of my happiness is in need of a break. What really hurts is knowing, yet again, I allowed my walls to be removed. Those walls that protect my heart to prevent pain...those walls that were built out of protection. I allowed myself to express my heart, and now it seems that my heart is expressing the deepest of pains - the pain of losing someone you love. I wish I could give my heart to him to prevent my feeling anything at this moment. And in a way, the part of my heart that is with him will never breathe again.
It isn't like I haven't been down this road before...I have...and I thought this time it was a little different. Guess I was wrong. Guess that no matter what I do, it seems it is not the right thing to do. I can express my thoughts so clearly, but in the end, unless the thoughts are expressed in return it really doesn't matter. For all the hurt, the worst is feeling that I had someone so amazing put into my life, someone I would have never interacted with in any normal setting, to have them out of my life, taking my heart with them and leaving my heart torn, and more broken than before.
Not to make light of his feelings. I can comprehend intellectually what is going on. I respect and appreciate his willingness to share his thoughts, his needs. I appreciate his desire to communicate with me as to where he is. This isn't about "me" as a person, it is about his fears, his needs, and what he feels he can or cannot do. I am thankful for him talking to me about his thoughts, and in no way want to remove those conversations. But this post isn't about that. It is about how I am feeling, what I am going through. It is about the pain of losing someone you are in love with. This sadness I feel, that feeling of loving someone who can not be with me feels like I am being ripped in two, and regardless the reasons why, it remains true that he needs that break to determine if he an or can't be with me.
Yes, I know...I am strong. I will overcome this. Yes, I know the Lord has a plan for me. I know that I have to go through pain to appreciate the sweetness of life. I am fully aware of that. And quite frankly, I am tired of hearing that when this is all I have ever known...that need to be strong and overcome. All the efforts I may try will not be needed if the end result will be the same as it feels right now. I don't like this pain, and I don't want it anymore.
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