That moment when you realize something important can change your outlook forever. It may be the moment you realized you do like something you never thought you would, you try something you always feared, or simply tried doing something differently than your usual actions. In a way, this self-discovery is so liberating you can't wait to discover the next new thing you didn't know.
But there is always that epiphany that can break your heart, as well. The ones where you realize something so vital, yet do not want to believe it. Typically this involves someone else, since we are not able to sometimes do this with ourselves.
Recently, my son came home to tell me the girl he liked, who told him she liked him, declined to go out with him. "Mom, she lied to me." Of course, I wanted to tell him she didn't lie to him, and while I am not sure the reasons why she declined his request, I can sympathize with him greatly. That epiphany you are not as important to someone else as you see them in your life...that crushing moment where you realize what you once thought was a relationship blossoming has actually just turned into a bed of weeds, worn down by "I'm just really busy," or other forms of excuses. And once again, you are wondering what is wrong with you.
I am wondering this.
What is it about me? Why is it just not possible to have someone love me, want to be with me, desire to hold my hand when times are tough, and look forward to seeing my smile every day? Especially given this feeling not being something that was so apparent. Do I miss clues along the way? Do I ignore signals, or look too deeply into a situation? And if that is the case, how am I supposed to look at a situation when someone tells me how amazing I am, how perfect I am, how special I am? Right now, I feel so stupid. I wish I could protect my heart from any pain. I wish I could either skip past this to know how it all ends, or rewind to a time when he was not so important to me.
I wonder all types of silly girl things. I wonder if I don't call, will he even notice? I wonder why I even care. I wonder why I am so unimportant at times, but highly important at other times. Does he talk to other girls the way he talks to me? Does the way he talk to me represent how he talks to everyone? Am I really that insignificant?
We recently had a talk about his times where he is up and down. He apologized for sometimes seeming distant, and that he cares so much for me. He told me I am so attentive to him, listen to him, he feels comfortable telling me things, that I do things for him that no one else has ever done for him, and I am consistently thoughtful toward him. He told me he appreciated me, and was so thankful for having me in his life. And while there is a great physical distance between us, time would tell what would happen.
How do you go from that, to not calling, and worse - not even bothering to answer your phone when I call.
I went to sleep last night with the realization that I am not important in the ways needed for him. I went to bed feeling like my heart was ripped from my chest in feeling at any moment, he will discard me the same way you discard garbage. And once again I am walking down that familiar road of tearful resolution - wondering when it will be my time to find someone who loves me, wants to be with me.
Maybe I was a fool from the very beginning. Maybe his living in another state was my first clue to not get involved. After being promised my heart would not be broken, I realize now that is a promise that can not be kept. One moment he treats me as a girlfriend, the next he treats me as a pal. And maybe he does not know what he wants - maybe he is scared of how he feels, and therefore pushes me away. And maybe that is all in my head.
I feel like the girl who watches the love of her life walk off with someone else. After becoming close to his family, of hearing how his mom wants us to be together, and his niece asking about me, I feel like things are slipping away. I feel so hurt right now in so many different ways, I cannot begin to describe my emotions with clarity. What I do know I feel without a doubt is that I am lonely for him, lonely for his words that make me feel peaceful, and wondering if or when I will be able to have answers further than the questions in my heart.
You give your hand to me
and then you say hello
And I can hardly speak,
my heart is beating so
And anyone could tell,
you think you know me well
But you don't know me
No you don't know the one
who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
and longs to hold you tight
To you I'm just a friend,
and that's all I've ever been
No, you don't know me
For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too
You give your hand to me
and then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
To never, never know the one who loves you so
No, you don't know me
and then you say hello
And I can hardly speak,
my heart is beating so
And anyone could tell,
you think you know me well
But you don't know me
No you don't know the one
who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
and longs to hold you tight
To you I'm just a friend,
and that's all I've ever been
No, you don't know me
For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too
You give your hand to me
and then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
To never, never know the one who loves you so
No, you don't know me
Originally written 3/8/2011
No comments:
Post a Comment