I have the best friends

The past few weeks have been difficult.  There have been many things that I am questioning, many things I know what I want but have to rely upon others to make happen, many things I have wondered why it is happening at all.  Yesterday was one of those days where I broke down, crying, and told the Lord I was angry at him.  Angry that I have already suffered so much pain in my life...angry that it seems I am staying strong but am wearing thin...angry that in a world where I have been given so much, it also feels so much has been taken away from me.

It seems all I do lately is pray...pray for peace of mind, pray I will remain strong, pray I will be able to just put one foot in front of the other, pray He will show me His presence, comfort me, pray...pray that I will have what I desire, want, need.  Right now, I feel this tsunami of difficulties in my life, this storm that cannot be contained and is just destroying everything I have worked hard on, worked hard for...suddenly vanishing as if it was never there.  My heart has felt so troubled, I have put on the brave face as long as I can, but that hurt and pain I feel is breaking through.  Once again it feels that what I desire is being wiped out of existence...and the only thing that remains is this person who is expected to walk with her head held high while her heart and feet are dragging her through each very second of the day.

That is the funny thing about prayer...our talks with Him and what He gives to us sometimes are not what we expected.

In the past weeks I have talked to friends I hadn't said more than 10 words to in the past 16 years. I have talked to friends who know me at my best, and at my worst.  I have had newer friends comfort me during these trying times.  Friends who have seen my successes and grand fails.  Friends, like family, that remain next to me, and time doesn't seem to be of importance from the last we spoke - only that you are able to pick up where you last off, as if you talked no more than 5 minutes before.  These are the people I could call at 1:30am after being in a car accident who come to pick me up.  Friends that hold my deepest secrets, but don't remind me of the pain within those secrets.  Friends who have held my hand as I suffer another loss, or as I watch my children make their own achievements.

I know this is what I have prayed for - His comfort provided to me in the bonds I have made through out the course of my life.

The countless hours catching up, sharing what we are doing in our different avenues of life, crying with one another, or laughing through stories...those are the moments you live for in life.  To have someone know you so well, and to call out of the blue, and to recognize the power of their presence in your life. For this, I know the Lord is with me...even when it feels He is so far away, on sabbatical and not answering phone, text, IM, email, knocks at the door...quietly, He reminds me I must remain faithful in my desires, quietly He reminds me I am important, I am needed by others, I am special in His eyes.  He hasn't left; He is just waiting for me to come to Him with those needs and desires - to actively seek Him out, to allow Him to erase my tears with joy.  But it will take time.

In the mean time, he has reminded me of the fact I have the best of friends there are to have.  Those that offer me patience, kindness, tender words, a hug, and a reminder that I am not forgotten, and that I am loved.