Don't You Remember

It is always interesting to me the events to lead up to, and eventually establish an end to something.  This end could be anything, really.  An end to the day, an end to the year, an end to a relationship, an end to a friendship.

In so many ways, it is always the smallest of details and smallest of moments that seem to be lost in that time, but remembered as monumental later on.  That small glance, that moment of silence.  That slight shift within the universe that separates us from what we were then to what we are now.  So insignificant at the time, yet so earth shattering later on in the grand retrospect.

As if a break up or ending is not hard enough, it is when one person is not completely straight-forward, where they proclaim honesty when they have not been completely honest that the true devastation occurs.  That is what is remembered long after the tears have dried, the smile returns, and the heart is mended from the loss of love.  In the moment, it may seem they are saving the other person pain, but what they don't know is that they have created more pain than they may have thought of.  Proclaiming that time is needed, contemplating where their heart is, when they have already made a decision regarding their heart is not only hurtful, but incredibly cowardly.  In being treated as an option, and declaring their feelings but not listening to the other's feelings is not only insensitive, but selfish.  All these things and more can leave scars upon a heart, and bitterness upon future relationships.

In the need to act as an adult, to act as a person who will walk away with her head held high, and knowing he will never tell me the truth, I am at a crossroads.  A crossroad of feeling that if I am not worth the full truth, I was not worth his time in the first place.  A crossroad of feeling betrayed by his 'honesty' or lack thereof because any words he may say now are forever tarnished with the knowledge of what has transpired in the in-between.  A crossroad of where I once felt a strong resolve to care, to support, and to share I now feel a strong resolve to close off my heart forever, let him fall if he may, and not look back on yesterday when his smile was what I longed to see most. 

Due to the knowledge of his deceit, my heart is forever closed off.  In the future I may be able to talk to him, to be kind to him, but not in the same method in which he knows me, not in the same method he is accustomed to.  In the future I may be able to forgive and forget, but at this moment in time, my heart is shattered from the deceit, and not really from his departure.  To have our lives be so trivialized by his words hurts; to have my feelings disregarded so carelessly is confusing.  To have him believe that he has been honest with me is wrong.