The legacy you left behind

The truths and lies you tell become the legacy you leave behind - which would you rather be remembered by?

The legacy you leave behind, regardless of the whatever it may be, is your choice.  In a work related element, the legacy of how hard you worked, going above and beyond when needed, and performing at a high level of success may be marred by their lack of attention to detail at their departure.

The legacy you leave behind in a personal relationship, also, can be marred...and very quickly.  Where you may have once been able to exit graciously, head held high because you were able to convey things were not working out, in one way or another, can be completely ruined when you decide to exit before telling the other person.  Or, worse, you make excuses, still feign interest and care, telling the other person you need time when you are already seeing someone else.  This, my friend, is your new legacy...the legacy of a cheater.  The legacy of a coward, and the legacy of someone who does not deserve her crying over you.

Did you realize she knew you were lying to her when you sat, talking about what to do, telling her your confliction and difficulties you were feeling within your heart? Did you know she knew the truth when you denied your actions?  Did you know she will eventually be stronger than you ever gave her credit for? 

It isn't that the break is bad enough...that change in focus from talking to the other person, caring about them, making sure they were okay...all those things you do while you are with someone.  It isn't that telling someone you need time is bad.  That may be completely acceptable.  No, it is the fact you sat there, with a straight face when asked if you were seeing someone else that you chose - yes, chose - to lie, and say you weren't.  It is the fact you decided to start seeing someone new without letting her, the person you were still with, 'in' on this new development.  It is that you chose to string her along for days, weeks, maybe even months, telling her you were confused, conflicted, or struggling.  It is that you decided to take this one step further, introduce this new person into the lives of your family without letting that girl you have been stringing along know what was going on.  The "break" you requested was not a break to decide what you wanted, but a break-up that you failed to fully talk about to her even while she sat there asking.

It isn't bad enough that you strung that her along -  that you told her of your supposed confliction, your difficulties.  It is that you made her look like a fool.  You told others she was not letting go, or that you aren't contacting her.  All the while, her phone has a ringtone specially attached to you, and others know when you are calling her during the day.  You told others you had the conversation of being on a break, but in the meantime there was no conversation about this, only many talks where nothing was resolved.  These talks, always occurring early in the morning, making her day extremely difficult to manage after such a talk where nothing was resolved.  You tell others everything is resolved, yet in emails you talk again about needing time.

It isn't bad enough that you strung her along, but that you lied to her when being asked if you were seeing someone else before completing a talk about a break.  That you continued the charade of allowing her to believe you were conflicted, that this was hard for you, and that you cared. That you held her hand, hugged her telling her how much you missed her.  And all the while, completely unaware she knew of your deceit.  Unaware the only thing she wanted from you at that point was just honesty.  Unaware her heart was breaking into a million pieces.  Unaware that the touch you offered only increased her feelings of resentment toward the situation of this break you wanted because you needed time to think.

It isn't bad enough that you continued this act, but that you offered an email saying that you were praying for you both to be strong, to have faith, and to hold onto the hope that no matter what, you were both fortunate and healthy...then proceeded to attempt calling her twice in the span of 10 hours...all this after you continued to say you cared, after you kissed her neck while hugging her, kissed her shoulder and told her she looked pretty, and let's not forget...after you broke her heart and lied to her about seeing other people.

The worst of this is she was and is aware of your deception the entire time you sat, performing this great act.  She sat there, watching you, supporting you, allowing you to talk things through.  She treated you as she wished to be treated, with respect, with kindness.  And all the while, you did not deserve her treatment of kindness.  All the while, you did not deserve anything other than a kick in the ass.  She carried on the game you started, missing the person she knew, and not the person standing in front of her.  And when she said she missed you, it was that person she was referring to.  When she was still showing her support toward you, it was for all the moments she remembered, and not for the moment she was currently in.

All these little nuances change the legacy you leave on someone's heart, mind, and soul.  Instead of your legacy being that of someone it just didn't work out with, now the legacy is that of someone who took the time to lie, took the time to cover your tracks, took the time to convince others, took the time to break her heart, and continued to do so over and over.  Instead of having a legacy of fondness, of possible friendship down the line, you took her heart, played on it like a child does a playground.  Your legacy will forever be tainted.

There is never a good reason to do this...if you truly cared about the other person, you would be honest.  If you truly cared you would let them know.  Yes, the truth hurts, but it is by far easier to live with than the destruction caused by lies, by cheating and betrayal of trust.  It is easier for someone to continue in their day, armed with the truth than to live with a false sense of hope that will never be fulfilled. It is easier to allow her to walk away than destroy her path in front of her.

Silly girl, maybe love is not for you

That moment when you realize something important can change your outlook forever.  It may be the moment you realized you do like something you never thought you would, you try something you always feared, or simply tried doing something differently than your usual actions.  In a way, this self-discovery is so liberating you can't wait to discover the next new thing you didn't know.

But there is always that epiphany that can break your heart, as well.  The ones where you realize something so vital, yet do not want to believe it.  Typically this involves someone else, since we are not able to sometimes do this with ourselves.

Recently, my son came home to tell me the girl he liked, who told him she liked him, declined to go out with him.  "Mom, she lied to me."  Of course, I wanted to tell him she didn't lie to him, and while I am not sure the reasons why she declined his request, I can sympathize with him greatly.  That epiphany you are not as important to someone else as you see them in your life...that crushing moment where you realize what you once thought was a relationship blossoming has actually just turned into a bed of weeds, worn down by "I'm just really busy," or other forms of excuses.  And once again, you are wondering what is wrong with you.

I am wondering this.

What is it about me?  Why is it just not possible to have someone love me, want to be with me, desire to hold my hand when times are tough, and look forward to seeing my smile every day?  Especially given this feeling not being something that was so apparent.  Do I miss clues along the way?  Do I ignore signals, or look too deeply into a situation?  And if that is the case, how am I supposed to look at a situation when someone tells me how amazing I am, how perfect I am, how special I am?  Right now, I feel so stupid.  I wish I could protect my heart from any pain.  I wish I could either skip past this to know how it all ends, or rewind to a time when he was not so important to me.

I wonder all types of silly girl things.  I wonder if I don't call, will he even notice?  I wonder why I even care.  I wonder why I am so unimportant at times, but highly important at other times.  Does he talk to other girls the way he talks to me?  Does the way he talk to me represent how he talks to everyone?  Am I really that insignificant?

We recently had a talk about his times where he is up and down.  He apologized for sometimes seeming distant, and that he cares so much for me.  He told me I am so attentive to him, listen to him, he feels comfortable telling me things, that I do things for him that no one else has ever done for him, and I am consistently thoughtful toward him.  He told me he appreciated me, and was so thankful for having me in his life.  And while there is a great physical distance between us, time would tell what would happen.

How do you go from that, to not calling, and worse - not even bothering to answer your phone when I call.

I went to sleep last night with the realization that I am not important in the ways needed for him.  I went to bed feeling like my heart was ripped from my chest in feeling at any moment, he will discard me the same way you discard garbage.  And once again I am walking down that familiar road of tearful resolution - wondering when it will be my time to find someone who loves me, wants to be with me.

Maybe I was a fool from the very beginning.  Maybe his living in another state was my first clue to not get involved.  After being promised my heart would not be broken, I realize now that is a promise that can not be kept.  One moment he treats me as a girlfriend, the next he treats me as a pal.  And maybe he does not know what he wants - maybe he is scared of how he feels, and therefore pushes me away.  And maybe that is all in my head.

I feel like the girl who watches the love of her life walk off with someone else.  After becoming close to his family, of hearing how his mom wants us to be together, and his niece asking about me, I feel like things are slipping away.  I feel so hurt right now in so many different ways, I cannot begin to describe my emotions with clarity.  What I do know I feel without a doubt is that I am lonely for him, lonely for his words that make me feel peaceful, and wondering if or when I will be able to have answers further than the questions in my heart.

You give your hand to me
and then you say hello
And I can hardly speak,
my heart is beating so
And anyone could tell,
you think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
and longs to hold you tight
To you I'm just a friend,
and that's all I've ever been
No, you don't know me

For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
and then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
To never, never know the one who loves you so
No, you don't know me

Originally written 3/8/2011

Leaving the past behind

Some things are better left in the past rather than reliving them.  Some moments in the past do not need to be revisited if they are only going to cause pain.  Moving forward, pressing through the difficulties is the path to healing.  Not going through the "what if's" that, at the end of the day, have no answer.  They are imaginary, unrealistic, and not worth the energy you may focus upon them.

This is the greatest advise...so easy to give someone who may be hurting, may be suffering.  But to listen to this advise for yourself is harder.  Especially when this concerns a matter of your heart.  I would be the greatest hero in my own life if only I could follow this advise myself.  I would be the savior to my pains in so many ways if I could remember this.

In leaving the past behind, there are plenty of cliches one may always be told.  Maybe cliche is not the right word, but those things people always tell you.  "God has a plan for you," "Something better is on it's way," "Everything will be okay, just wait and see" are all very thoughtful things to tell someone, but they stab at your heart if you are on the receiving end.  Whatever that past hurt may be, it takes time.  

It isn't that I want to relive the past.  I don't want to suffer through the pains I have ever felt in my life on purpose.  No one wants to do that to themselves, nor do they do this intentionally.  It is just part of being human, being a person with emotion and sensitivity.  Being someone who, at one point, gave a damn.  I want to remember the pain enough to avoid it in the future, but not enough to allow control in my current day. And in knowing the difference, you have already conquered some of yesterday's demons waiting to drag and claw you down.  Any previous hurt, any previous exchange of misery, any previous belief of hope that has been changed due to circumstance - I want to move forward from this.

In my personal point of view, it isn't that I believe I was lied to, that he lied to me. It was time was actually spent on creating, procuring, and believing the lie he has formed inside his mind.  It isn't that you lied, it is that you allowed omission to enter into the scenario.  It is that you thought so little of me, you believed a lie would be better than truthfulness.

Leaving the past behind...what a wonderful thought, what a wonderful sentiment, what a wonderful gift to bestow upon yourself that only you can bestow.  No one else can do this for you - it is something you must decide, act, envision, and perform on a minute to minute basis some days until it eventually is day to day, then eventually thought of less and less.  Time is a very fickle friend, because it will also allow you to remember the great times as well, overshadowing much of the hurt.  Don't waste your time on a past that is clearly not what was intended for you.  Don't waste time thinking those moments will come back - it will only prolong your own path to healing.  Eventually you will have forgiveness, and the happiness you deserve.

Deceit and arrogance

Arrogance.  That quality where you think you know more than someone else.  That quality where you are smug in your actions.  That quality where you really don't care about, nor feel the need to acknowledge another's feelings, point of view, etc.

Deceit.  That quality where you think you can get away with something by omission or saying something different than what is actually going on.  That quality where you really don't care about, nor feel the need to acknowledge another's feelings, point of view, etc. 

To me, arrogance is a deadly sin, and ranks right up there with deceit.  In so many ways, arrogance is another form of deceit.  And deceit is never the right direction to head into.

Deceit and arrogance...what a deadly combination.  You can be proud of who you are, proud of your accomplishments, proud of what you are doing now, but does that ever mean you should belittle someone else?  Deceit, too, follows this path.

If you can not be truthful with someone else, why bother.  If you feel the need to omit rather than be honest, regardless of how it may hurt the other person, the pain you cause in the long run is far worse.  Why bother creating a dangerous web of lies when truth is easier to take in.

Those who lie, those who cheat others out of their feelings, those that are arrogant, here is the warning.  NO ONE deserves to be treated in such a slighted way.  No one deserves to be led on down your path of deceit.  No one wants to be led down the path that will only end in disaster.  And once your deceit is revealed, you really only serve to look like the monster you really are.  A person who should not see the light of day within the world of the person you hurt.

Don't You Remember

It is always interesting to me the events to lead up to, and eventually establish an end to something.  This end could be anything, really.  An end to the day, an end to the year, an end to a relationship, an end to a friendship.

In so many ways, it is always the smallest of details and smallest of moments that seem to be lost in that time, but remembered as monumental later on.  That small glance, that moment of silence.  That slight shift within the universe that separates us from what we were then to what we are now.  So insignificant at the time, yet so earth shattering later on in the grand retrospect.

As if a break up or ending is not hard enough, it is when one person is not completely straight-forward, where they proclaim honesty when they have not been completely honest that the true devastation occurs.  That is what is remembered long after the tears have dried, the smile returns, and the heart is mended from the loss of love.  In the moment, it may seem they are saving the other person pain, but what they don't know is that they have created more pain than they may have thought of.  Proclaiming that time is needed, contemplating where their heart is, when they have already made a decision regarding their heart is not only hurtful, but incredibly cowardly.  In being treated as an option, and declaring their feelings but not listening to the other's feelings is not only insensitive, but selfish.  All these things and more can leave scars upon a heart, and bitterness upon future relationships.

In the need to act as an adult, to act as a person who will walk away with her head held high, and knowing he will never tell me the truth, I am at a crossroads.  A crossroad of feeling that if I am not worth the full truth, I was not worth his time in the first place.  A crossroad of feeling betrayed by his 'honesty' or lack thereof because any words he may say now are forever tarnished with the knowledge of what has transpired in the in-between.  A crossroad of where I once felt a strong resolve to care, to support, and to share I now feel a strong resolve to close off my heart forever, let him fall if he may, and not look back on yesterday when his smile was what I longed to see most. 

Due to the knowledge of his deceit, my heart is forever closed off.  In the future I may be able to talk to him, to be kind to him, but not in the same method in which he knows me, not in the same method he is accustomed to.  In the future I may be able to forgive and forget, but at this moment in time, my heart is shattered from the deceit, and not really from his departure.  To have our lives be so trivialized by his words hurts; to have my feelings disregarded so carelessly is confusing.  To have him believe that he has been honest with me is wrong.

Til there was you

"Come in, 

I've been expecting you
There's a knock on the door and 

love walks through
And lights a fire and 

smiles a smile
As if love were going to stay a while

And the fire breathes and 

weaves it's spell
But then 

love runs out of lies to tell
For love is restless, 

love's a flirt
Love has places to go, 

and people to hurt
So here's the shovel to smother the flame
Tomorrow you'll barely remember my name

And I'll try to forget you, 

my dearest one
As a prisoner tries to forget the sun
For life holds no purpose,

and love holds no charms
Since I beheld you 

in another's arms."

Poem from 'Til There Was You

I don't want it anymore

Best I Ever Had

Click above link to listen to Gary Allen singing "Best I Ever Had"

I feel my life in the past couple of weeks has been flipped upside down.  All I knew to be good seems like now like a dismal shade of gray, and the source of my happiness is in need of a break.

What really hurts is knowing, yet again, I allowed my walls to be removed.  Those walls that protect my heart to prevent pain...those walls that were built out of protection.  I allowed myself to express my heart, and now it seems that my heart is expressing the deepest of pains - the pain of losing someone you love.  I wish I could give my heart to him to prevent my feeling anything at this moment.  And in a way, the part of my heart that is with him will never breathe again.

It isn't like I haven't been down this road before...I have...and I thought this time it was a little different.  Guess I was wrong.  Guess that no matter what I do, it seems it is not the right thing to do.  I can express my thoughts so clearly, but in the end, unless the thoughts are expressed in return it really doesn't matter.  For all the hurt, the worst is feeling that I had someone so amazing put into my life, someone I would have never interacted with in any normal setting, to have them out of my life, taking my heart with them and leaving my heart torn, and more broken than before.

Not to make light of his feelings.  I can comprehend intellectually what is going on.  I respect and appreciate his willingness to share his thoughts, his needs.  I appreciate his desire to communicate with me as to where he is.  This isn't about "me" as a person, it is about his fears, his needs, and what he feels he can or cannot do.  I am thankful for him talking to me about his thoughts, and in no way want to remove those conversations.  But this post isn't about that.  It is about how I am feeling, what I am going through.  It is about the pain of losing someone you are in love with.  This sadness I feel, that feeling of loving someone who can not be with me  feels like I am being ripped in two, and regardless the reasons why, it remains true that he needs that break to determine if he an or can't be with me.

Yes, I know...I am strong.  I will overcome this.  Yes, I know the Lord has a plan for me.  I know that I have to go through pain to appreciate the sweetness of life.  I am fully aware of that. And quite frankly, I am tired of hearing that when this is all I have ever known...that need to be strong and overcome.  All the efforts I may try will not be needed if the end result will be the same as it feels right now.  I don't like this pain, and I don't want it anymore.

Maybe I shouldn't be watching, or caring

Baseball has started again...that time of year I look forward to.  Where the grass is green, sun is high above, and my favorite player is in right field, hopefully able to catch a fly ball or two.

But this year is different.  Right now, my Red Sox are 0-6.  Right now, my Angels are fairing better, with 3-3, but not stellar considering they have only played 6 games... It occurred to me today, as I watched another game for Red Sox, and another loss, maybe I shouldn't be watching...Maybe because I am watching, my teams are suffering...all that baseball superstition is, yes, superstition, but none the less, when you want your teams to win, you will try anything to help, right?

So, I have decided that tomorrow, during both of my teams Opening Day at Fenway and Angels Stadiums, I will not watch.  I wouldn't want to risk having them lose on home turf, opening day.  This will be hard, but it goes without saying, as a fan, I do what I can to support my teams...no listening to the game, checking the score until the games are over, nothing...it will be a Red Sox/Angels hiatus of sorts...

The saddest thing, truly the saddest, is that I won't be able to watch Torii in right field...that is the hardest part of all...but hopefully it will help with the much needed team mojo!!

In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone

"Time"

Ne-Yo

How come you don't make time for me anymore
That's the last thing she said to you
And now when you call she don't answer anymore
Or the line is busy and you can't get through

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
To someone who takes the time

Her love wasn't a priority to you
You had other things on your mind
And now that it's much to little and so far too late
The busy signals all that's left behind
You're all alone

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
To someone who takes the time

Hey, no one knows what they have until they don't
And by then it doesn't matter anymore
You're all alone

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
And the time it would take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone (she'll be gone)
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
Hang up the phone...

Listening is an art-form, not an option

 

It is funny the number of times you may be requested throughout your life to listen.   From something as simple as listening to instructions to perform an action, to more complicated where you are asked to listen to someone else regarding their feelings, it seems we are all asked to listen.  I think the hardest part of performing this action of listening is the time it may take to allow the other person to say what they need to say, and feeling like you are given the same respect in time given to you when talking.  

Listening is not something we are all able to do.  There are going to be people you encounter who simply do not know how to listen to another person.  They are too concerned about what they need to counteract with, too concerned how your thoughts are impacting them.  Too concerned with themselves to clearly listen to you.  They may be distracted, not really paying attention to the words you are saying.  They may be doing something else, and not focusing on what you are revealing to them.  And once this happens, it may not be possible to get your thoughts out.

This is where I feel I am right now...that struggle between having so much to say, 

and not knowing if I will be heard.

If I were able to talk, able to get it all out, that would be one thing.  But I also suffer from my mind and mouth not being on the same page, and therefore unable to verbalize what it is I am trying to say. It is a catch-22 no matter how I try to work on it.  The words of my mouth sometimes do not always convey what my heart and hand are able to spell out on paper, physical or virtual.  My heart, where my pain or joy resides; my heart, where my truest of intentions resides is sometimes afraid to vocally come out of the dark.  

So, in listening to others, to listen to what they are troubled by, excited by, or otherwise feeling is where I feel strength at times.  I listen to others, believe what they say, take them at their word, and remember their words for future reference.  It is also in listening you discover much about the other person...their own pain that may mirror your own, their joy that may be shared within your own heart, that essence of who they are, and what they are.  In their words, and the actions that may follow, you are able to develop a keen sense of who they are.  

Maya Angelou once was quoted as saying "When a person shows you who they are, believe them." If I am so busy focusing on my own thoughts, how am I able to listen to them.  And in my own fixation on my thoughts, how do I ever expect to hear what they are saying to discover who they are, both good or bad.  Listening is not an option, or something you do every once in a while.  Listening is an art form, that must be practiced on a daily basis, in every interaction and confrontation you may have.  In listening, you allow the other person to learn how to also listen to you, and to have your own voice heard.  That interaction and reaction does not come when you are focused on yourself, but rather when you take the time to focus on the other person.  It is a dual communication between both parties that allows for the greatest of resolution to occur.

Believing in others

Start believing in others before they succeed and have success. 
Give your time to help their dreams become realities; 

you'll never regret it.

What a simple thought, that at the same time seems so difficult to do with some people.  In some ways, this is the model for how we believe in our partners we choose to walk through life with, our children, our friends...we believe in them sometimes before they even believe in themselves, or are aware of what they can do.

Success is a measurable level of satisfaction in a job well done.  This success may be in school, profession, happiness in general.  If we are unable to help others with their success, how do we, in turn, expect our own success to occur?

As we meet the partner we want to walk with throughout our lives, there are many qualities needed.  We need patience, grace, trust, respect, and finally love.  Without the other attributes or qualities, we would not be able to love.

Love is not an emotion, but rather a choice.  It is a choice for you to love someone.  And while there are feelings that incorporate this decision, ultimately it is by choice, and by patience, grace, trust, and respect that you make that choice to be with someone.  Through this, you also learn more about the other person.  You learn about their hopes, their dreams.  In helping them acquire their dreams, you are able to realize your own dreams.  In recognizing their fears, you are able to believe with them that fear is temporary, and due to unknown outcomes.  

We need patience in the relationship with our partner for differences that may occur, or different thoughts we may share, each in our own unique beauty.  We need grace, allowing for mistakes to occur, but knowing the mistake was an action, and not necessarily representative of the person who made the mistake.  We need trust.  Trust to know they will come through for us when needed.  Trust they are going to stay when we feel we are not even possibly worthy of their attention or affection.  We need respect...respect for their decisions, their desires, dreams, fears, and struggles.  All this embodies the guidelines for what we refer to as love.  It is not always easy, and sometimes it may feel we are giving more than we may be getting in return.  But if we are only seeking something in return, we are believing for the wrong reasons.

With children, you believe in them right from the start.  It is more of a hope in the beginning as you learn more about what your child is actually capable of doing.  But as they grow, you believe in their ability to sleep through the night, feed themselves, walk, use the bathroom unassisted.  Yes, you are helping them along the way - you are giving them tools they need to succeed, but you believe in them to allow that sharing of your experiences to help them succeed.

In our daily lives, this is also what Heavenly Father offers us.  He always offers free will.  He allows us to make our own choices.  But he also offers us His patience, he allows us His grace, He trusts us to make the decisions that are right for us.  In return, we must never forget to be respectful of His plans for us, regardless if it may not be the avenue we believe we should be traveling.  We must never forget to love Him, call upon Him, and seek out His love.  It is not always easy, for if it were easy we would never understand how to give thanks. But through this, we achieve the greatest degree of success...we have success not only on this earth, but also in the Heavens.

I have the best friends

The past few weeks have been difficult.  There have been many things that I am questioning, many things I know what I want but have to rely upon others to make happen, many things I have wondered why it is happening at all.  Yesterday was one of those days where I broke down, crying, and told the Lord I was angry at him.  Angry that I have already suffered so much pain in my life...angry that it seems I am staying strong but am wearing thin...angry that in a world where I have been given so much, it also feels so much has been taken away from me.

It seems all I do lately is pray...pray for peace of mind, pray I will remain strong, pray I will be able to just put one foot in front of the other, pray He will show me His presence, comfort me, pray...pray that I will have what I desire, want, need.  Right now, I feel this tsunami of difficulties in my life, this storm that cannot be contained and is just destroying everything I have worked hard on, worked hard for...suddenly vanishing as if it was never there.  My heart has felt so troubled, I have put on the brave face as long as I can, but that hurt and pain I feel is breaking through.  Once again it feels that what I desire is being wiped out of existence...and the only thing that remains is this person who is expected to walk with her head held high while her heart and feet are dragging her through each very second of the day.

That is the funny thing about prayer...our talks with Him and what He gives to us sometimes are not what we expected.

In the past weeks I have talked to friends I hadn't said more than 10 words to in the past 16 years. I have talked to friends who know me at my best, and at my worst.  I have had newer friends comfort me during these trying times.  Friends who have seen my successes and grand fails.  Friends, like family, that remain next to me, and time doesn't seem to be of importance from the last we spoke - only that you are able to pick up where you last off, as if you talked no more than 5 minutes before.  These are the people I could call at 1:30am after being in a car accident who come to pick me up.  Friends that hold my deepest secrets, but don't remind me of the pain within those secrets.  Friends who have held my hand as I suffer another loss, or as I watch my children make their own achievements.

I know this is what I have prayed for - His comfort provided to me in the bonds I have made through out the course of my life.

The countless hours catching up, sharing what we are doing in our different avenues of life, crying with one another, or laughing through stories...those are the moments you live for in life.  To have someone know you so well, and to call out of the blue, and to recognize the power of their presence in your life. For this, I know the Lord is with me...even when it feels He is so far away, on sabbatical and not answering phone, text, IM, email, knocks at the door...quietly, He reminds me I must remain faithful in my desires, quietly He reminds me I am important, I am needed by others, I am special in His eyes.  He hasn't left; He is just waiting for me to come to Him with those needs and desires - to actively seek Him out, to allow Him to erase my tears with joy.  But it will take time.

In the mean time, he has reminded me of the fact I have the best of friends there are to have.  Those that offer me patience, kindness, tender words, a hug, and a reminder that I am not forgotten, and that I am loved.