Discovery STS-133 Final Launch

Time 2:42 displays the actual take-off from the launch pad

I have not watched a shuttle launch since January, 1986.  Even then, I didn't get to watch it as it was taking off.  But just the same, it has been 25 years since I have sat down, made time for, and watched at time of liftoff to witness something that literally takes my breath away.  Today, I watched the 39th and final launch of Discovery STS-133 from Kennedy Space in Florida.  To say this was emotional for me would be an understatement.

Traveling through space was a childhood dream of mine.  I wanted to be an astronaut at the height of space fever in the 80's.  I wanted to know what it felt like to be weightless, floating through unknown territory, discovering new worlds that very view have witnessed before.  I saved up my money to buy a Cabbage Patch Kid doll that was...what else?  An astronaut.   I am not sure if it was the awe of going some place few have been before, my love for the stars at night, or whimsical musing of a child, but it was a dream...until January 1986.

Before that day in 1986, I felt anything was possible.  If I wanted to reach the stars, I would...if I wanted to see the moon and Earth, I could.  Anything and everything was possible.  After that day, I realized for the first time that maybe some things would not be possible.  

Since that day, there have been many launches.  Since that day, others have seen the Earth from a distance as you can only see while orbiting around the planet.  We now have a space station, with people who actually live in space for months at a time.  And I am still here, feet planted firmly on the ground, and will probably never know what it is like to swim amongst the stars as they do. 

I will not lie; watching that launch caused deep emotions within me.  At lift-off my hands were sweaty, heart racing.  Once the shuttle left the pad, I started to tear up at the overwhelming possibilities those on board will experience.  My eyes were clued to the computer monitor where the live stream was feeding.

Today was important, not only because of this being the final launch for a shuttle that has served it's missions well.  It was important not only because our space program is approaching it's own dusk.  The feelings the launch evoked within me, that belief, that knowledge of anticipation before liftoff, excitement at watching the engines fire up, and the relief in seeing they were able to literally leave this planet safely, had long been forgotten or suppressed.  It was important because the feelings I felt watching that shuttle take off haven't been felt since I was 9. I felt, once again, that feeling of renewed hope within my soul that all I may struggle with in my own life, all I hope and dream for, all I wish upon a star for, will be realized in one method or another.  Today, I may as well have been inside that shuttle, because I felt like I was able to finally touch the stars.

Lay down so that I can kick you

I saw my best friend this weekend.  After not seeing her since 2007 we were able to hang out, talk, laugh, and just have fun at remembering those days from the past where we would do the silliest of things without regard for how others may think of us.

In a world where I have many different layers to who I am, and what I share, my best friend has probably known me best.  Growing up without a sister, she has become my sister in the 16 year friendship we have shared.  She held my hand each time my heart was broken, whether physically or emotionally, encouraged me to always do my best, and while she may not have always agreed with decisions I made, she supported me 110%.  There are not too many people I can say that about.  She has not only wiped away my tears for painful moments, but also the tears of happy moments.

It is miraculous how a friendship between two individuals can include every private thought, secret, and protection from the outside world can soothe your soul as that of a kindred spirit of your best friend.

The first night we met, we were both in our first semester of college, and working at Wal-Mart.  We clicked instantly.  We clicked so much our co-workers asked if we were roommates...both from small towns, both with younger siblings at home since we were the oldest, and both trying to learn about our new worlds around us.  There was the night we drove someone's car we had just met, the time we drove to LA and got lost due to not knowing where the heck we were going, or going to Lake Havasu on Spring Break and laughed at all the drunk people. She was there in the middle of the night when I was in a car accident, and there when my kids were born.  In so many ways, she has been there for me more than I feel I have been there for her. She has been one of the few people I can trust without reservation.  We have inside jokes or phrases that when shared cause us to erupt into laughter similar to little kids do.  Phrases like "lay down so that I can kick you" would never be understood by any other person other than her.  That is the wonderful part of having a best friend, and many many years shared together...

Stephanie, her husband, and their kids moved to Minnesota about 5 years ago.  And as we had grown up, both meeting our husbands, starting families, and having our lives not be so intricately weaved, we have both accepted the other's life, knowing we are both busy.  When seeing each other, or talking on the phone again, it is just like that first time we met - like time has not passed, and we are 18 again.  Her moving away was extremely difficult, but also something that has not really affected our friendship...friendship is not measured in the miles that separate you, but measured in the moments where you share yourself with another person.

The Day Before You

This is how I feel right now. That feeling of being blessed to have certain people in my life, moments having been shared that changed my life for the better beyond my wildest imaginings.

When it comes to thinking about the day before anything, it can take your breath away in how much you have changed.  It takes a wise person to realize these things, thank the Lord for their blessings, and continue each day after to be grateful.

It's not much, but it's all I have

Giving your heart to someone else is risky business. There is the fear your heart may be broken, or that the feeling may not be returned.  There is the unknown factor that always accompanies the thought of allowing another into your heart, as well.  Will they be there for you in time of happiness when you want to tell them great news?  Will they be there, holding your hand, after a rough day, or even more - will they remain by your side when you feel everyone else has left?

When we give our hearts to another person, we want them to accept it, and us, with open arms. Our thought process changes from 'I' to 'we'.  We want to be seen as a cherished, precious gift in their lives because this is how we view them within our lives.  And for all the moments we had before knowing them, and before giving our hearts where we wondered if we would find someone, new moments enter where we share giggles, glances, minutes and hours attempting to ensure we make the other person happy.  It is not about the individual any longer.  It is now about working together as a team.

Giving your heart to someone is not the act of relinquishing our own personal identities, but growing into a new reality where math solutions are irrational of 1+1=1.

When we give our hearts to another, we realize the safety once felt in only relying upon ourselves must be adjusted.  We must allow the other person into the secret hallways of our thoughts, once only reserved for private thoughts.  In giving our hearts to another, we must remember that sharing our dreams, our hopes, and our desires is just as important as allowing the other person to also see our fears, our insecurities, and our needs.  It is in the action of admitting you sometimes need help that creates a stronger union, not the ability to maintain and take care of business all on your own.  If that were the case, what is the other person there for?  

Why allow someone into the foyer, the doorway of your heart, but not allow them into the actual home to wander around the hallways, the different rooms, and sometimes help when repair may be needed?

I have been fortunate enough to feel both sides of a person's heart.  Moments where I was excluded from his heart because he could take care of things on his own, and didn't want my help.  While the latter always reminded me he was able to do things on his own, as a stubborn 2 year old may attempt to struggle doing things on his own to show they are growing up, the relationship was never truly able to progress.  Focus was more on the individual rather than the couple.  Moments where his fears are shared, true emotion was shown, and a stronger union was formed.  These examples are from 2 separate people, and 2 separate scenarios, different relationships,and different stages of a relationship. But none-the-less, the intent remains the same where one person allowed me in, and the other continuously forced me out.  

I don't have much.  I am not the prettiest girl in the world.  I am also not the thinnest, the funniest, the smartest, the bravest, or the most compassionate.  I don't have a pocketbook filled with money, and will probably always have the need to work in order to pay my bills.  But when my heart is given to someone else, it is from a place of not only sentiment, but also in genuine effort to support the other person as best I can, ensure they know I am there for them, and help them accomplish their goals, their desires, and their dreams as I would hope they would do in return for me.  When my heart is given, it is not at a whim, but rather in sincerity.  In this, I don't have to be all those things I listed that I may not be.  I only have to be me.  I only have to be who I am, the person he also chose to give his heart to.

Secrets of my heart

It is funny, looking back on all the memories I have in life...the most random of memories to the most cherished memories...all in my mind, awaiting a moment when I recall and press them to the forefront of my mind.  Right now, however, I am suffering from inabilities to work due to memories of recent moments shared, and hoping things will work out the way I would like them.

One interesting thing in dating someone who does not live near you is others reactions.  They always ask questions like "So, are you moving to be near him," "Where do you stand with one another?" or create some type of misguided doubt within your mind when saying "Do you trust him, being so far away, to not be seeing someone else?"  Yeah - I REALLY don't want to start walking down that path of self-doubt with thoughts of that.  It is hard enough being this far away, but to mix in a dash of doubt is definitely not needed.

I know they mean well - they are not intentionally creating these questions to ensure my missing him even more, or doubt within my heart.  They are, in the long run, very valid questions I suppose.  But the bottom line is this:  where I stand with the person I am with is really no business to most everyone in my life except his and mine.  I say most only due to family that may inquire...but even that is limited at times.

Truth is, I know we both care about each other; we are also attempting to take things as they come.  I don't feel the need to define certain things, but I am also very contradictory in saying it would be nice to have some definition for certain things.  I am afraid that asking questions, pushing him, or otherwise pressing for things in turn only forces a situation upon someone.  I am under the impression that if something were wrong, he would let me know.  If someone has changed, he would tell me.  If I, however, push him in a direction he is not ready for, or he pushes me into a direction I am not ready for there are possible issues that may come up.

The secrets of my heart equates to my desire to be happy. I want to feel love, to be in love, and to know someone out there loves me in return.  I want to grow old, sit on the front porch sipping lemonade when I am 80 with this person.  I want to know regardless of the mountain in front of us, we are hiking it together.  I want to work as a teammate, a partner, through the great times, and the less-than-desirable times.  I want to wake each morning, grateful for his presence in my life, and go to sleep each night thankful to have him.  I want to spend my days supporting his efforts in his life because I know he is doing the same for me.  A relationship is not 50/50 - it is 100/100.  You are either 100% in, or you are not in it at all.   

I don't know what the future holds for me.  I am not sure if the person I am with will be that partner on the front porch.  I would love for him to be there, but only time will tell.  And I feel it a disservice to push upon him what may happen 50+ years from now when we are still learning how to tackle our 'firsts'.  For now, I am happy with the excitement those moments bring, and while my heart desires happily ever after, it also realizes that only comes with trust, love, and time.

Tug of war for my heart

I am wondering just how long it takes for me to understand when I need to back off, release, let go, and walk away...how long will I remain in the constant tug of war for my heart and head to match.

This has been a struggle since day one.  I am not one who likes to admit defeat, but at the same time, I also seem to hold on longer than is necessary.  Recently I have made decisions that have been directly related to holding on, and finally...FINALLY...I let go.  But there are ten million other situations in my life that should require this same attention to detail...when am I going to let go?  When am I going to stand up for myself in some way, start asking questions about where things remain, and what I need to do in order to move forward?

I have become better at backing off, but the releasing is where I have the biggest issues, along with letting go.  It is so easy to say "Let go, and let God" to another, but quite different if this is the message you must follow yourself.  Certain things within my life at this moment are focused around this thought process.  If I let go, and things fall apart, do I suffer because I had the faith things would prevail, or do I suffer because I didn't have enough faith?  And in terms of faith, when is faith without action verses faith with action required?

I am a firm believer in faith with action.  I consistently pray for certain areas in my life where I feel I need the most direction.  And I have the faith things will proceed as they need.  In my faith, I do random acts of kindness, express my feelings, and attempt to do the best I can for actions toward my own personal happy ending.  In performing these actions, am I prolonging the inevitable?  Am I forcing a situation based on my own misguided attempt to help myself?  Certainly I am not alone in this thought process.

I have learned in my life that some things are not meant to be.  No matter what length of time you spend, amount of prayer and attention given, or amount of faith you may have, if things were not meant to be they will eventually end.  And in this, it seems most everything I have wanted has ended this way.  Do I mourn the situation I wished for, or do I praise in hind-sight, realizing the reason things fell apart was due to a bigger and better horizon yet to come?  Maybe once I learn the answers to those questions, I will be able to better determine when it is time to let go, and move on.

When do words we use become meaningless

I have focused much on words for the past few years...whether this be in acquiring new linguistic talents, or the words I use while speaking with others.  It occurred to me there are many times I have been disappointed by the words of another person.  It could be the intention of the words but lack of follow through that left me dismayed.  Or feeling I was important through what was said, only to realize I was 'a dime a dozen' based on the same sentiment being used toward many, and I was just a number in the end.  It is my hope this year to convey my words in a constructive manner.  The use of my words should be intentional, but also from the heart rather than forced.

There are many words I may use to emote how I am feeling, what I am feeling, or how I may see things.  For some, I may use certain nicknames that are strictly reserved for them.  For others, it may be a saying, a quote, a word that conveys a previous moment in time that we only know the origins.

But it is the words I may share with those I love that should never be shared with others.  And maybe this is not recognized by others, but to me, I don't appreciate these words, nicknames, and/or symbols being used for the general public.

I don't walk around calling everyone 'hun' like Flo from Mel's Diner.  First off, I cannot stand that term 'hun', and see it as more of a derogatory term due to every jerk-wad male who thinks he owns the world, and all those in it.  Coming from an older woman, the term 'hun' may mean a sign of affection, or that she sees me as young, and therefore someone she can talk to as if I was her child...no thank you.  I don't call people by terms of endearment unless I feel that comfortable with them that I know they will see my intention that this is, in fact, reserved for them alone.  I call my guy 'babe'...I don't go around calling other people that; it is reserved for him (and maybe the off chance I call my kids that).  I would never want this nickname to be used in such a general way that when he hears it, it no longer makes him feel special...Same thing with symbols...I may use the smiley symbol of :) with friends, but the symbol of ;-) is used only for the person I am dating.  It is a sign of affection to me.

The words we use toward others, for others, about others can be a source of inspiration, or a source of contention.  I would rather have my words, and my actions, be a source of intentional, purposeful, meaningful source for those I love, and those I know, rather than feeling they are being assaulted when I open my mouth. We only have a short time here on earth with those we love in the grand retrospect of the grandeur of space, time, and history.  I would rather have my words be used to uplift someone, help someone, offer courage when needed than have mindless dribble.

Please remember these things

Just a few thoughts for me to remember every time it seems my heart is breaking, when I feel the need for encouragement, or when I am able to feel the love I so freely offer is returned to me without reservation.

"One day, I will be in love again with someone who loves me back.

One day, I will know what it feels like to surrender to emotion without reservation.

One day, I will hear his voice and know I am okay because he is near.

One day, when he says he will call, the phone will ring, 

and promises made are not promises broken in the future"

"Never fill her ears with lies, 

her mouth with words, 

her eyes with tears, 

her mind with confusion, 

and her heart with pain."

"May you never steal, lie or cheat. 

But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. 

And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. 

And if you must cheat, then please cheat death, 

because I couldn't live a day without you."

As the focus blurs

It is funny how you may view a situation once you are out of it...those moments that once were part of your reality now a distant memory, and the audaciousness can truly be recognized.  It can really be any situation; a former relationship or marriage, friendship, school, etc.

I just came out of a nearly 5 year relationship that was incredibly exhausting, mentally challenging, and toward the end became emotionally damaging.  I am still suffering from the effects of this relationship, and have trouble dealing with new interactions based on those in the past.  This relationship was with the company I formerly worked for.

Having a difficult working environment is not only troubling, but a disservice to all those involved.  I spent nearly 5 years hearing I was not self-educating enough, I was not working hard enough, I said things incorrectly, I was not helping clients enough or I was too friendly with the clients, I was not helping my co-workers enough or I was helping my co-workers too much by doing their work, I was the only person who could speak to clients or I am the cancer of my department.  Yes, I used the c word...that is what I was actually told.  I sat in an office, watching others be downtrodden, made to feel they could go no where else, and belittled on a regular basis.  And this was just a normal day.

This was not a unique experience...it was a daily occurrence.  I would cry on my way to work, praying the entire time to have a good day, that the company and it's leadership would be guided in the right direction, and the right decisions would be made...

It is sad, really, how poorly this ended up.  It started off nicely; or so I thought. I was offered a job from a customer while working one 4th of July weekend at Neiman Marcus...I had no idea really who she was.  All I knew was she spent over $1,000 that day, and was kind.  I had helped her before, but when she said this I had no recollection of her.  She said she was impressed with the customer service skills I offered; never letting my feathers get ruffled when talking with a customer, always going above and beyond the degree of service she expected.  When I started working at her company I learned she had called me the "Neiman Marcus girl," and had talked about me months prior to my being hired.

Once I was hired I had a bit of culture shock.  I had worked with my co-workers and managers for several years and multiple companies.  My store manager, Maggie, had become a mentor of sorts while going through a separation and eventual divorce from my husband, offering parenting advice from a view of someone who previously went through the same demise of a relationship.  There was safety in working for her; she knew of my struggles but never seemed to judge me based on that, but rather the work I accomplished.  I went from the world of retail to the world of an office, desk, computer.  Where once I was running around, remaining active without really needing to exercise I was now chained to a desk...

My schedule was the typical Monday through Friday, 8am-5pm.  When the kids were away for the summer I would start my day in the office at 5am, leaving at or after 5pm.  I would offer to conduct trainings for those in other countries at times that were after or before my day.  I believed in the program we sold, believed in the benefits for a company, believed in those we worked with, and never forgot what the program was for - the greater well-being of a community and those they served through after school programs, adult day programs, awareness programs offered through schools within the US, and really, the world at large.

But it was in those long, hard days I learned I was little more than a number.  In a small company where you know your co-workers not only by name, but also by appearance; where you sit less than 10 feet away from the President and Vice President's offices, you become familiar with others quickly.  You learn patterns each person has, or the tone in their voice when happy, upset, sarcastic, or madder than hell.  You learn sighs, and when to avoid talking to people after hearing sighs.  You learn and see more than you ever expected, and develop methods to cope with a long day.

My first year at the company, I learned my position quickly, and excelled at the software program I was working with.  I developed a training program for clients to also learn the program so very important to their own non-profit world.  The training process was something I dearly loved.  While I had originally gone to school for teaching, I did not contain a degree for this area of the world.  So, I had to do research on adult learning patterns, learn new aspects of the program at an accelerated rate to train others.  With little time, I was always trying to determine a better method of learning for clients; what made sense, what order should the software program be taught, what aspects of the program were important to an administrator verses manager verses front desk worker at a Boys and Girls Club. I didn't receive a yearly review. In my first year I had created so much change within the company, you would have thought something would have been mentioned.  I received an award for my work, the Gold Star of Excellence, during that first year.  When I asked about a review, it was shrugged off.

Upon my second year mark, I received a review.  In this review I was told I didn't self-educate.  I was told that I didn't work hard enough, and that I needed to empower myself more.  In looking at the documents presented to me, she listed the gift days for attending a funeral as part of our benefits...EPIPHANY!  If anyone thought that was a kind gesture, we were surely in for a big surprise to see it listed there when we came out of respect.  I was given a small raise which equaled $1,000...due to not receiving a review or raise the first year I was there, I saw this raise as a slap in the face...simply put, $500 for each year I had been there.  She praised me in some ways, but they seemed back-handed at the same time.  To make matters so much better, I was still working at Neiman's as an on-call associate and had to go to work after leaving the office...in which I learned I received a bigger percentile raise from that company than I did at my full-time job...and to have the added bonus of her shopping the entire evening, having me walk with her as she shopped...FML.

From there, and the next 3 years I was still employed, it just went downhill.  She let me travel during the second year, and after my review I was booked for 2 more trips to San Fran and New Orleans.  In a conversation I had with her before the San Fran trip, she wanted me to fly to Chicago for a soiree with the Vice President in the afternoon, come back that next morning to leave again for another trip.  "You really are the only one who knows how to speak to these people at a higher level."  Yes, that was until I told her with the kids, I would prefer to not take such a short trip.  She did not like this.  After New Orleans, I never traveled again, being told I was not proficient enough in what I was doing.

I also committed the cardinal sin of dating her little puppet of a developer.  I found out later he had gone around to everyone in the company, requesting they put in a good word for him with me up to 8 months before we started dating.  I was with someone else, and would not have allowed even a hint of outside friendship with him had I known this.  He mentioned to her 6 months before we dated if she would co-sign on a relationship between the two of us...I learned she was concerned we would act inappropriately on a company retreat to Sedona that she talked to a co-worker to ensure he kept us apart.  Again...months before we started dating.  When we started dating, things went south at work extremely quickly.

There was a conversation that has remained with me since it occurred in July, 2008.  A family member was in the hospital, on life support.  I was outside attempting to contact someone, anyone, regarding how he was doing.  Living in Arizona, I was separated by some 400 miles to my family at this time, and it was difficult beyond words.  As I was outside, crying, trying to call someone, she saw me...she requested I come talk to her in her office...and once I was in there, the conversation went something like this:

Owner:  "So, Miss Ruthe, what is bothering you?"

Me:  "Well, my uncle is in the hospital, and I can't reach anyone.  He is on life-support and I haven't heard
     from anyone today regarding how he is doing...I am really concerned something is wrong."

Owner:  "I don't think that is what is wrong.  I think you are upset about Michael Kolb (developer I am
     dating), and you are concerned about what is going on with him.  You and he have the same problem -
     you always have to be around other people.  
     Michael is like this, though, because he is a strong personality.  You are like this because you lack
     self-esteem.
     Here is what I think you should do.  I think you should break up with him.  It has to be your idea you
     present to him though.  And I will help you with whatever you want.
     What is it that you want."

Me:  "I don't think that is what is going on, and I don't think that is anything you should worry about.

     If I had to tell you what I want, I would like more time to develop a better training curriculum.  I have

     sent you some emails recently about this."

Owner:  "No, I can't give you more time.  You need to determine how to do this in the time you have."

And, because I didn't heed her advice, it decelerated at a speed more rapid than a car without breaks.  In the next year, many changes would occur.  The developer who had talked to everyone about wanting to date me decided to cheat on my with someone we both worked with...to make matters worse, it was someone who called herself a best friend.  I was told I was doing too much of the trainings, and written up for doing so in a department where we were now using multiple people to train.  I was told I was being aggressive toward cheating developer and backstabbing ex-friend, and was literally exiled from my team.  When I say exiled, I mean I no longer sat with them, sat away from them to where I had no idea what was going on within the team. One month later I had my yearly review...my manager asked how I was doing away from the team, and if I was okay in a faux concerned voice.  I had learned from this early on to not answer honestly..."I am doing fine.  I will sit wherever you need me to sit."  And then I asked another question.

Me:  "There is something I don't understand.  If you have someone who is having difficulties working with
     others, why wouldn't you coach them.  Why would you set them apart from the team?"

Manager:  "Oh, that was (Insert company owner name)'s idea. She said we needed to remove the cancer."

I called out sick the next day.

7 months later, I was at a new job...in the week before I left this company I received several phone calls from the owner of this company saying I was always welcome to come back if things didn't work at my new company.  The Vice President had the most astonished look upon his face when learning I was leaving.  And as I walked out for the last time, I had the biggest smile on my face.

While my new company has it's challenges, it does not offer the same difficulties as this one held.  I refer to my time at this company as boot camp.  I still suffer from feelings that can only be described as my own post traumatic stress.  I was lucky in many regards - others were treated, and are treated, far worse than I was.  As another former employee and I said - our worst day at our new employers is better than our best day at that company.  I no longer have the threat of personal life being dictated by my employer.  I no longer have to pray my way to work just to walk into the door.  And every day I thank the Lord for a new job I am happy at.

Since I have left there have been many others who came and left...the numbers are just too ridiculous (over 20) to not see it as an issue.  While there are many stories in working for that company which may or may not be written about in the future, I am forever grateful for this company in teaching me how not to do things, not to treat people, and not to conduct business...

And today, I received a recap of another person's going away party on Friday, and the events of today from a friend still imprisoned...I have removed names...

"(Insert Office Manager name) gave me the scoop from Fri.

In Brief: 3 got cars towed, (Insert owner name here) went around office discouraging ppl telling them not to go, forbid MKolb to go who in turn called (insert ditzy girl name here) & told her not to go back, & (Insert owner name here) called (insert former employee who left without having another job to get away) on his cell phone!

All the evening needed was that Bieber kid

AND get this - she told (insert Marketing kid's name here) NEVER again is he allowed to send out emails at work for these gatherings, because they are NOT company functions.

The worst was telling (Insert HR Assist. name here) not to go because she wouldn't enjoy herself.  When (Insert HR Assist. name here) asked (Office Manager) if there was an HR policy against attending events like that (and (Office Manager) said no it's not work related) she said (Insert owner name here) made it sound that way.  That woman creates more trouble for herself than anyone I know.

OMG!  (insert ditzy girl name here) wouldn't get out of way to let (Insert Office Manager name) park at bar on Fri.  Then her battery died this morning & she called (Insert Office Manager name) for a ride into work. (Office Manager) told her to call a mechanic and hung up!  God I love (Office Manager)!

At some point (Insert Office Manager name) told (insert ditzy girl name here) she was a flake and a liar.  I AM DYING LOL!

it's been a fun day. short story: (insert ditzy girl name here) cost (Insert Office Manager name) $155 Fri nite. Today (insert ditzy girl name here) needs starter @  $325.  Do not F with (Insert Office Manager name) !"

Confessions of a single mom

There are many things I can mention about being a mother.  I have moments where I may glow from the love I feel for them...and other days where I look more haggard than even I care to admit.  Being a mother is not easy.  Being a single mother is even harder.  But, in being the person I am, I try to never use this aspect of my life as a disability, reason for excuse, or even reason for boasting.  I am proud of my children in ways I can never explain to the outside world.  I will tell others about their attributes and traits, but will not gush to the point people start to tune me out.  There is nothing worse than a parent who constantly talks about their child, and you are forced to look at pictures of this kid you do not find adorable, but still need to lie about it for fear of being backhanded by the parent.

Being a mom is something I never thought I would do.  Growing up, I never even wanted my own children.  I wanted to adopt.  And in adopting, I was hoping for a rainbow of children.  I loved kids, but didn't know if having my own was in the plan.  I also didn't realize this would translate to having kids at the age 21 and 23.  There is nothing quite as amazing as the first time you see your own child, seconds after being born, and realizing you are forever in charge of loving, caring for, and protecting them.  It is the closest I have ever been to understanding what it will feel like when I am no longer on earth, and meeting my Heavenly Father for the first time.  It is an overwhelming feeling.  Being a parent means I have times where I am tired, but must continue, have needs but need to secure the needs of others first, desires that may be put on hold, and dreams that may be realized later in life than I imagined.  And for some reason, I do this without reservation.  I do this as second nature, and don't think twice about it.

In my own home, I find myself taking the entire responsibility of cleaning.  On some days, this is great because I love to clean, and have thoughts of how I want cleaning performed.  The kids will help with their chores - Tyler takes the garbage out, and Emberleigh...well, she thinks she is a princess who does not need to do anything except sigh as she picks up the living room. 

But when I walk into my kitchen, seeing empty, dirty cups on the counter-top simply because the kids didn't open the dishwasher, put the cup into the dishwasher, then close the damn appliance I tend to get upset.  It isn't that I am forced to do this myself for them that upsets me; it is that they are not taking care of this for themselves.  I have even thought about letting the dishes pile up, not take the steps to clean, and see what happens, but as previously mentioned - I love to clean.  In turn, that means I also do not like messes, which means I won't be allowing messes to occur.

My daughter is in for a shock this weekend when we dissect her room and start to toss things out.  When we moved into our townhouse in May she was told to keep her room clean - yet the size of the room was much smaller than she was used to.  She literally has boxes left to unpack...and it is now February.  God only knows how much clothing she is not using, papers that should be tossed.  The other night she told me she likes to hang on to old magazines...except she is holding onto old entertainment magazines from 2007 - half those people probably aren't even with the same person they were with in '07, and the children they may have been pregnant with are now enrolling into college.  Well, not really, but with how quickly entertainers lives change, why would you hold onto a magazine that is more than 30 seconds old?  NO point to do that.  She is in for a rude awakening when garbage bags, boxes, and cleaning supplies will be used this weekend, and the end result will be me, cleaning her room, but getting rid of everything she does not need, should not have, or needs to get over not having.  My son is a little better.  But still, his room is also on my list of things to do this weekend.  I am just hoping my need to clean is similar to Goose and Maverick with their need for speed on Top Gun. 

In the grand retrospect of being a mom, and a single mom at that, there are many moments where I wish I could go back, but only to create a happier more secure environment for my children.  I have moments where I wish I could go back and hold them again as infants, or not take for granted the moments I had with them as a stay-at-home mom when I was married.  There are times I wish I could see them take their first steps again, feel that rush of excitement in watching them view the world for the first time, and embrace the moment a little longer.  I don't know if I will have those moments again with another child (I would need to first settle down, get married, get pregnant...well, you get the picture), so my only desires are to try not missing out on what is going on today.  Eventually my children will grow, will be out of the house, start their own families, and I will be off to establish those dreams I put on hold for so long.  I hope to see them as happy adults, forging their way through a world of unlimited potential.  I hope to see them realize their dreams without sacrifice, love without reservation, and know joy that is never-ending.

The importance of being who you are

What is more important - how you look to others, or how you look to yourself?

Obviously, the vast majority of our population will say "How I look to myself," shaking their head as if you asked them to fly in the sky like an eagle.  Obviously, the vast majority of us do not want to admit even an ounce of care to what others may think...why would that matter to us?

And obviously, we know the vast majority of our population are really not wanting others to know how we really want or seek their approval so much so, we sacrifice good taste for the ability to be liked.

I am not the most callous of people.  Of course I care how I look to others.  If I didn't I probably wouldn't wake up each morning, comb my hair, put makeup on, and hope that my jeans make me appear thin.  But that is not as important to me as wanting to leave the house with what is my own person best foot forward.  That may mean I had little sleep, and for my own little pick-me-up I wear eye shadow.  Pretty shallow, and I am doing this for myself to feel better.

There are many times in my life where I have been embarrassed.  I am the consummate clumsy person.  I have big feet, long legs, and even at the age of 34 I have not become accustomed to my body sometimes.  I have fallen down stairs at my place of work, while out with friends, while at the beach with the guy I am dating (while his mom and her husband looked on), down a mountain while at a camp in 9th grade...pretty much everywhere.  My main thought is to bounce, roll, and get up...the quicker you get up the less likely someone saw it...and the less likely you are to react the less likely others are too.  I work in an environment almost completely foreign to me...thank God for Google to look up terms as people are talking to me.  I am goofy at times, sensitive, and sometimes need to have my hand held if having a bad day...but this is all part of who I am.

I cannot change these facts about me; no amount of dance class would have given me a graceful walk, and the best way to learn what I do not know is, well, to learn - to have the thought to venture out on a limb and ask for help or look something up.  Those things which I do have the ability to change, those moments within grasp of my control, I attempt to do so with gusto. 

I see this daily with my 13 year old.  At the age of 13 she wants people to like her, wants to be everyone's friend, and fit in.  At this age, that is completely normal.  She is learning about herself, how the world works,  differences between socially acceptable platforms on which to stand, and what may actually be the right platform to live her life by.  If she is continuing this quest for acceptance 10 years from now, I will have cause for worry.  And for every teen struggling, this is the lesson for you to learn...for every adult - why haven't you gotten this yet?

I may not be the next great professor, scientist, doctor, or even performer...I may only do great things in my own home for those I love instead of changing the world as a whole.  My mind may not be as brilliant as Albert Einstein, but I may have other gifts to offer this world that others were unable to offer...that is what being yourself is all about. My desire is to change the lives of those I know for the better, and through my actions they are able to pass this along is my goal.  Learning through curiosity, living with veracity, knowing when it is good to seek another's opinions, and when it is better to go with your heart - that is when you start to discover who you are, what you are, and what you have to offer.