It is funny, looking back on all the memories I have in life...the most random of memories to the most cherished memories...all in my mind, awaiting a moment when I recall and press them to the forefront of my mind. Right now, however, I am suffering from inabilities to work due to memories of recent moments shared, and hoping things will work out the way I would like them.
One interesting thing in dating someone who does not live near you is others reactions. They always ask questions like "So, are you moving to be near him," "Where do you stand with one another?" or create some type of misguided doubt within your mind when saying "Do you trust him, being so far away, to not be seeing someone else?" Yeah - I REALLY don't want to start walking down that path of self-doubt with thoughts of that. It is hard enough being this far away, but to mix in a dash of doubt is definitely not needed.
I know they mean well - they are not intentionally creating these questions to ensure my missing him even more, or doubt within my heart. They are, in the long run, very valid questions I suppose. But the bottom line is this: where I stand with the person I am with is really no business to most everyone in my life except his and mine. I say most only due to family that may inquire...but even that is limited at times.
Truth is, I know we both care about each other; we are also attempting to take things as they come. I don't feel the need to define certain things, but I am also very contradictory in saying it would be nice to have some definition for certain things. I am afraid that asking questions, pushing him, or otherwise pressing for things in turn only forces a situation upon someone. I am under the impression that if something were wrong, he would let me know. If someone has changed, he would tell me. If I, however, push him in a direction he is not ready for, or he pushes me into a direction I am not ready for there are possible issues that may come up.
The secrets of my heart equates to my desire to be happy. I want to feel love, to be in love, and to know someone out there loves me in return. I want to grow old, sit on the front porch sipping lemonade when I am 80 with this person. I want to know regardless of the mountain in front of us, we are hiking it together. I want to work as a teammate, a partner, through the great times, and the less-than-desirable times. I want to wake each morning, grateful for his presence in my life, and go to sleep each night thankful to have him. I want to spend my days supporting his efforts in his life because I know he is doing the same for me. A relationship is not 50/50 - it is 100/100. You are either 100% in, or you are not in it at all.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I am not sure if the person I am with will be that partner on the front porch. I would love for him to be there, but only time will tell. And I feel it a disservice to push upon him what may happen 50+ years from now when we are still learning how to tackle our 'firsts'. For now, I am happy with the excitement those moments bring, and while my heart desires happily ever after, it also realizes that only comes with trust, love, and time.
No comments:
Post a Comment