Confessions of a single mom

There are many things I can mention about being a mother.  I have moments where I may glow from the love I feel for them...and other days where I look more haggard than even I care to admit.  Being a mother is not easy.  Being a single mother is even harder.  But, in being the person I am, I try to never use this aspect of my life as a disability, reason for excuse, or even reason for boasting.  I am proud of my children in ways I can never explain to the outside world.  I will tell others about their attributes and traits, but will not gush to the point people start to tune me out.  There is nothing worse than a parent who constantly talks about their child, and you are forced to look at pictures of this kid you do not find adorable, but still need to lie about it for fear of being backhanded by the parent.

Being a mom is something I never thought I would do.  Growing up, I never even wanted my own children.  I wanted to adopt.  And in adopting, I was hoping for a rainbow of children.  I loved kids, but didn't know if having my own was in the plan.  I also didn't realize this would translate to having kids at the age 21 and 23.  There is nothing quite as amazing as the first time you see your own child, seconds after being born, and realizing you are forever in charge of loving, caring for, and protecting them.  It is the closest I have ever been to understanding what it will feel like when I am no longer on earth, and meeting my Heavenly Father for the first time.  It is an overwhelming feeling.  Being a parent means I have times where I am tired, but must continue, have needs but need to secure the needs of others first, desires that may be put on hold, and dreams that may be realized later in life than I imagined.  And for some reason, I do this without reservation.  I do this as second nature, and don't think twice about it.

In my own home, I find myself taking the entire responsibility of cleaning.  On some days, this is great because I love to clean, and have thoughts of how I want cleaning performed.  The kids will help with their chores - Tyler takes the garbage out, and Emberleigh...well, she thinks she is a princess who does not need to do anything except sigh as she picks up the living room. 

But when I walk into my kitchen, seeing empty, dirty cups on the counter-top simply because the kids didn't open the dishwasher, put the cup into the dishwasher, then close the damn appliance I tend to get upset.  It isn't that I am forced to do this myself for them that upsets me; it is that they are not taking care of this for themselves.  I have even thought about letting the dishes pile up, not take the steps to clean, and see what happens, but as previously mentioned - I love to clean.  In turn, that means I also do not like messes, which means I won't be allowing messes to occur.

My daughter is in for a shock this weekend when we dissect her room and start to toss things out.  When we moved into our townhouse in May she was told to keep her room clean - yet the size of the room was much smaller than she was used to.  She literally has boxes left to unpack...and it is now February.  God only knows how much clothing she is not using, papers that should be tossed.  The other night she told me she likes to hang on to old magazines...except she is holding onto old entertainment magazines from 2007 - half those people probably aren't even with the same person they were with in '07, and the children they may have been pregnant with are now enrolling into college.  Well, not really, but with how quickly entertainers lives change, why would you hold onto a magazine that is more than 30 seconds old?  NO point to do that.  She is in for a rude awakening when garbage bags, boxes, and cleaning supplies will be used this weekend, and the end result will be me, cleaning her room, but getting rid of everything she does not need, should not have, or needs to get over not having.  My son is a little better.  But still, his room is also on my list of things to do this weekend.  I am just hoping my need to clean is similar to Goose and Maverick with their need for speed on Top Gun. 

In the grand retrospect of being a mom, and a single mom at that, there are many moments where I wish I could go back, but only to create a happier more secure environment for my children.  I have moments where I wish I could go back and hold them again as infants, or not take for granted the moments I had with them as a stay-at-home mom when I was married.  There are times I wish I could see them take their first steps again, feel that rush of excitement in watching them view the world for the first time, and embrace the moment a little longer.  I don't know if I will have those moments again with another child (I would need to first settle down, get married, get pregnant...well, you get the picture), so my only desires are to try not missing out on what is going on today.  Eventually my children will grow, will be out of the house, start their own families, and I will be off to establish those dreams I put on hold for so long.  I hope to see them as happy adults, forging their way through a world of unlimited potential.  I hope to see them realize their dreams without sacrifice, love without reservation, and know joy that is never-ending.