In a world where we are expected to not show emotion, it is vastly different if you are the person suffering the loss. And with all loss, it takes time to heal. It is hard going through any loss. No one can tell you any different. Right now, I have a friend who is going through the impending death of a father due to cancer. Right now, I have another friend going through the pain of losing a job, and even if they didn't like their job, it is still a loss they were not expecting. Right now I have a friend going through the pain of a lost relationship in which he loved the other person, but couldn't maintain in the relationship. Right now I have a friend who is still bruised and hurt from a divorce. In talking her, she told me that it has been 2 years since her divorce, but it still feels very fresh in her mind.
I can relate to this, and more time has elapsed on my own divorce time clock than hers. Sometimes it isn't the person you miss that creates this sense of loss, it is the mourning of everything that person brought into your life. That warmth, love, touch...all those things that embody the relationship lost.
But feeling those emotions, and feeling like you must suffocate those feelings is one of the hardest things to do. Even if you could explain your feelings to someone else, that feeling of being exposed, naked in your own emotion can hamper your ability to talk. I am one of those people. I can write to my heart's content, or dismay in this scenario, regarding how I am feeling, but trying to verbalize that to another person is so difficult. Suddenly, I am unable to think, unable to discuss in a manner that is understandable. My mind runs ten thousand miles a minute, and I often feel that what I am trying to convey is silent to the other person, only heard by that of my own heart and mind. I try to not show the world how I am feeling for fear they will see me as raw as I feel. Unfortunately, I also wear my feelings like a book wears letters across the page to create words...in plain view. So while I may not discuss my feelings, they are still there, evident to anyone who sees me.
Today is a great example of this. That great example of wearing my emotions on my face, and those emotions exploding in a fireworks display. I had to be by myself, go somewhere I felt safe, someplace I could cry to heart's content without letting another soul into my bubble of pain. The pain of all loss being suffered in my life, both past and present, collided...and crashed and burned into a fire ring for all to see. I may as well have self-imploded for the damage I felt, and the damage I feel I am doing. I don't want to talk about things. I don't want to hash over ideas of how to become happy. I want to be allowed to feel my feelings of brokenness, be allowed to feel that pain...I can't express this to the person(s) I need to express it to most, but I at least want to be allowed to feel this. For all the fairy tales about happily ever after, being your true, genuine self, for loving the other person, and actively showing and demonstrating this on a daily basis, it gets to a point where I believe in the possibility of solitude and loss more than the ability to love and have someone there for a lifetime.
I feel as if I am on this spiral staircase, looking down at how far I have come, but then looking up and seeing no end in sight. I have climbed the staircase so long that I don't want to turn around, but my legs, mind, and heart are weary, and tired of not reaching that destination of joy. After all, staircases are solely built to lead to something, to take you to a location you can not reach due to distance without the aid of the wood or steel they are made of. You are supposed to be able to see the top to judge how much further you must climb, even if that means you open another door to another set of stairs.
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