Advise from Grandma

Grandma H. 10/22/2008

One of the most wonderful women I know turned 89 on Sunday.  Strong, healthy, and spirited, she may outlive me by the rate she is going, and the rate I am going.  In talking about her age, she said "Well, I had to renew my driver's license.  The date expires in 2016 - I told Bill (her son) I would be around til then!"

I love visiting with Grandma Hytinen.  Such a wonderful person, so filled with stories, with memories, with love.  She was born to Russian immigrants, holds details of her life that may be stamped by a calendar date decades of years old, but still remain as real as if they happened yesterday.  Those stories of making jackets out of potato sacks, meeting and marrying the love of her life, raising a family and her children she is very proud of, running marathons at the age of 70, travels around the world, grandkids now grown, and now great grandkids ranging in all different ages and located all over the world.  She has the most delightful smile when telling stories, has taught me the difference between what really matters in this life, and what can be whisked away with little thought. 

On my visit with her Monday, she told me stories of family and life.  Stories we both laughed at, and I was able to see that amazing smile as she was talking.  In a life that has seen happiness, she is willing to share her joy.  In a life that may be seasoned with occasional pains, she has decided to not let anything stop her, or get her down.

"I'm not a well woman."
"Ruthe, I am not a well woman!" she told me.  In looking at her, I was a bit confused.  She went on to tell me a story about her sister.  By profession, her sister was a nurse.  Healthy throughout her life. 

"Oh, that is what my sister used to say.  Healthy woman, was a nurse, but if anyone asked her to do something she didn't want to do, she would simply tell them 'You know, I am not a well woman,' and they would leave her alone!  It was the funniest thing, because she started saying this when she was in her 50's - can you imagine? And, of course, she was well, she was very healthy...just didn't want to help out sometimes," she says, putting her hands together, laughing to the point her head goes slightly back as she laughs.

Then she looks at me, says "Ruthe, you should start using that - see what happens!"

Lesson - I guess there is always a way around helping others if you really don't want to.  No one will impose upon someone who is not well.

Great-Grandma and Emi

The Other Side of Heaven 
Grandma has a daughter named Joni.  Throughout the years, Joni has lived with Grandma, traveled on road trips, helped raise Joni's daughter.  One day, Joni and Grandma had a fight, and Grandma decided to leave the house and see a movie by herself.

"I got to the theater, and looked at all the movie names, and saw one that said The Other Side of Heaven.  I thought 'That is what I need, Heaven!' so I bought my ticket and went in to the theater.  Well, I was pretty early for the movie, at least 30 minutes early. I wear the tri-focal glasses, so I have to sit pretty high, otherwise I can't see.  So, I am sitting in this big theater, very quiet, peaceful...and then all these people started coming in...there were hundreds of them.  They all started sitting next to me; there was a group of 9 or 10 to my left, another group of 9 or 10 to my right, and they were all talking, all seemed to know each other. It went from being so quiet to nothing but chatter."

"So I asked if they knew each other, and they said yes.  They were all Mormons, watching this movie since it was about a Missionary.  The men were in their shorts, the women were all in those cotton dresses the Mormon women wear.  And they were all so talkative and happy, each one of them.  By the time the movie started, the theater was packed with all these Mormons!" she says, laughing again, and rolling her eyes at how many people had come into her peaceful theater when she was in need of a glimpse of Heaven.

"Oh, but it was the best movie.  Have you seen it?  It is about this missionary who goes to the Tongan islands, gets there later than when he was supposed to arrive.  When he finally arrives, no one was even expecting him.  Can you imagine?  But it was such a great movie. There was a scene where he prayed for a child to get well, and when he was better the mother offered her daughter, who was very beautiful, as her thanksgiving offering.  Well, of course, he has to sit down with the mother and explain how he has a special girl waiting for him back at home while he was away."

"Ruthe, I walked into that theater in the worst mood, and left actually feeling like I had been to Heaven. It was so great. I drove home in the best mood, so much happier than I had been when I left.  But all those people!  There were so many of them.  Nice people, those Mormons; always happy. The men are nice, always offering to help.  The women are just as nice and so talkative!  Of course, I had no idea what the movie was about, but wow! It was a great afternoon!"

Lesson - Sometimes, on those days we are searching for peace and quiet, in look for a glimpse of Heaven, we are suddenly surrounded by the chatter of others.  And, it is in those moments of chatter we are enriched by the kindness we witness through others.  If lost in this chatter, we may fail to hear what we need to hear.  But if we remain true to our desires, we will always be able to feel our own Heaven on Earth.

Great Grandma and Tyler

There were more stories shared on this visit with Grandma.  Stories of when she and Grandpa lived on the coast, in a 2 bedroom house that had an indoor pool she would get ready each weekend when the grandkids would come visit.  Stories about her health, her kids, upcoming weddings and babies being born.  She leaves for a trip to cooler places this weekend, taking with her the stories I love, but bringing back additional tales to tell.  The advise and lessons Grandma has taught each of us cannot be limited to a single blog post.  Even if I dedicated myself to a full-time effort to chronicle her stories it would not be enough time.  For now, I can only cherish and document some of them, and hope for many years past 2016 to share with her.

Maybe I'm Afraid

Kerrie Roberts - Maybe I'm Afraid
From the album Kerrie Roberts

There's no way I can hide
It's written on my face
All these complications

Maybe I'm afraid
To open up and let You in
Behind the curtain
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the questions
That I know You'd raise
What I thought was certain
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the mess that it's sure to make
And all I tried to simplify and organize
But I just can't deny

That there's no way
I can hide
It's written on my face
And all these complications
Fumblin' with my equations
Now they crumble to the ground
With everything I thought
To be without Your help
Cause if I let You in
I'll never be the same
So I try to escape
Maybe I'm afraid

Maybe I'm afraid
To let it go and just accept
That love has spoken
Maybe I'm afraid
Of the way that I know You'll fix
Everything that's broken
Maybe I'm afraid
'Cause I don't know who You are
But the more I get from You
The more I lose
So what am I holding onto

Afraid I'll be complete
It's just so weak in Your hands
Maybe I'm afraid
Afraid that it won't last
I'll only be half without You

Maybe I'm afraid
To let You change my heart
With all it's hiding
Maybe I'm afraid
That I just might fall apart
Unless You're beside me

Maybe I'm afraid

Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't

An old man once said, 

"There comes a time in your life, 
when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. 

You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. 

Forget the bad, and focus on the good. 

Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. 

Life is too short to be anything but happy. 

Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

I love that quote above.  Such wisdom and courage within those words.  Words only someone who has walked away from people and drama would understand.  Words only someone who is surrounded by those who create joy could of comprehend it's importance.  Words only someone who has experienced the bad could have the clarity to differentiate the good, and feel blessed for both.  Words of someone who has been residing in an atmosphere of love and hate, of happiness and sorrow, of falling down a few times, but getting up more could say.  These are the words of someone who has lived, who had the courage to live.

In more ways than one, I need to embrace the words of an old man who has learned much through his older eyes upon his own journey.  I have much to learn, much to express, and much to give - and I need to discover the best ways of doing all three to benefit myself and those I love in my life. 

That need to walk away from drama and those that I am hurt by seems to be very relevant lately. I am great at walking away from the drama - I seem to fail, however, in letting it go within my heart.  I have a hard time letting go. Once someone has entered my heart, it seems I am unable to find the key to let them out.  And right now I am so desperately needing some of them to exit.  My mind consistently is in a tug of war with my heart.  My mind knows I should let go, but my heart still has those feelings of love, of caring, of compassion.  I am caught up every waking moment.  I drive home from work, in the comfort of my car, crying the entire way home at the thought of missing, of longing, of needing.  And for this, I beat myself up for.  I need to release for myself; my holding on is not of thought or consequence to them. But those that I have allowed within my heart, while their physical presence is not apparent, their essence still lingers as if they never left.

I write to express my thoughts.  I often have great difficulty in verbally expressing my thoughts in terms of conflict, of pain.  My mind races with all the items scattered similar to fall leaves scattered on the ground.  No rhyme, no reason to others. At times, there is no rhyme or reason even to myself.  Herein lies the difficulty. Because by the time my mouth has caught up to my mind, I have said something I possibly regret.  I tend to apologize for my words.  The last thing I want to do is hurt someone with my words.  In prefacing my words with "I hope this does not insult you..." typically it leads the other person to be offended and not even listen.  I wish I could speak more eloquently.  I wish I could be able to express myself in other methods besides paper and pen, or keyboard and monitor. I have shut down recently, unable to talk with anyone about the needs of my heart, my mind, and soul.  And sadly, even writing is difficult, and riddled with the fear I am writing the same words over and over without realizing it...I am trying to work things out, but there is such a thing as beating a dead horse...am I doing that?

I don't know if tomorrow will offer a different view from my heart.  I don't know if tomorrow I will wake up, and everything I have written will no longer be true.  I don't know if tomorrow I will finally, FINALLY, feel like myself again.  I don't know if I will be able to pick myself up, dust off the yesterdays, and walk again, one step in front of the other, until I am able to run with lighthearted remembrances, knowing I am moving toward something for myself rather than running away from something that withholds shadows of the past, and someone I can no longer have, but am still in love with.

And so I sit, in heartache. It seems at this point, the only thing I have been able to accomplish is the ability to pray for him; pray he is happy, pray he is doing okay.  Pray he has been able to do what he needs to do, for himself, and that his today is not filled with as much pain as mine.  This is an ongoing, every day prayer, several times a day.

Without the rain, there would be no rainbow

Copyright (c) Ahmed Sharif, 2006 http://www.flickr.com/photos/desherchobi/

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
~ Jerry Chin

I love rain. I have a location I like to drive to during the summer monsoon storms where I can see a view of the Phoenix skyline.  I can see the occasional lightening strikes, watch the drops fall from the skies above to reach my skin.  And even though I am in the middle of a busy city, I am in a spot very few know of, or would think to go. I also live in the desert where rain is seen rarely, appreciated greatly, and valued highly.  During these moments in my secret location I am surrounded by peace.  That peace I so desperately desire within my daily life filled with it's own storms of a different sort that, at times, show no sign of a rainbow to occur.

If only the storms within my life could be solved by a drive, a skyline, and a moment of cleansing such as I receive on my summer storm drives I take.  If only I was as strong as the wildflowers able to withstand the downpours we are known to receive, yet still maintain my ability to stand straight, appear to the world as I did before. I have been fortunate in my entire life to be surrounded by those who are strong - who resemble the wildflower.

My heart has recently suffered loss that my mind can't even comprehend.

Yet, the past few months have not been the cause or source of my pain, rather a simple continuation of sadness, a continuation of defeat, a continuation of this hole upon my heart that seems to grow bigger with each passing day.

Some days it feels this hole grows exponentially by the second.  Other days it feels that I am recooperating as if I have been suffering from some type of illness, and health is just around the corner.

But the truth is, I don't know if health is just around the corner...I have no way of knowing that.

I am weary of needing to be strong, to portray an image of strength and stability to the world.  I do not feel strong.  Others opinions of my strength is due to not knowing the true pain within my heart.  They see someone who is able to stand straight, when the opposite is actually closer to the truth.  My strength is a cover for the extreme sensitivity encompassing my world.  For once, I wish someone who hold me up, tell me and show me things will be okay.  For once, I would like someone to say "I believe in you, believe in your ability, and I am going to stand by your side always to remind you." instead of the "I am just not sure about (insert any excuse, comment, or thought I have heard within the past few months, the past few years, the past few decades), and need some time."  For once, I wish I could have that ability to let my guard down. 

I am stuck at this horrible crossroad within my life where each direction I look, I only see fog covering the path.  I am unable to see where the light may be, or if there is even a light at all.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to trust someone.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel joy, that unadulterated satisfying joy you only find within yourself.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel beautiful, to feel appreciated, to feel loved.  And right now, because I can't seem to conjure those feelings for myself, I am unable to allow others in to see that glow I may possess.  I am a child, hiding behind the legs of my father again, hoping to become invisible to the world when spoken to.  Yet, that does not happen.  Instead of becoming invisible, I feel I am completely naked and exposed in my emotion, in my pain, in the latest developments of whatever feeling is going on at this moment.  And, so sitting here, overcome with emotion, I have a tear-stained face, blurry eyes, and sinking feeling within my soul.  I have no resolution in sight, no real glimmer of hope, and only utter sadness.  I feel lonely even when surrounded by those I care about.  I feel this overwhelming despondency within an instance of happiness.  And I wish I could just stop it all...I wish I could just feel that peace I feel when watching the rain fall in my secret watching spot.

I hide away from the world.  I have stopped interacting with those who have shown themselves to not be trustworthy in an attempt to save me from further discomfort.  I have hidden my heart, the essence of my spirit from those who have always loved me.  In describing this to my sister, I have said I am like a turtle in her shell - protecting myself from the outside world while not letting anyone into my hiding place.  I have started analyzing the intentions of others, and where they may be headed with those intentions.  I don't have energy to invest time to waste on individuals who instigate hurt based on meddling, based on gossiping, and based on deception or omission.  Yet, at the same time, I have also placed upon my time the inability to share my frustrations with those who have not hurt me, who have not displayed insincere actions. I certainly do not feel like the wildflower, bending with the rain yet standing tall within the proceeding sunshine that always comes.

When I started writing this post, I had a different plan for the words I was typing than what I has evolved and the post I am now finishing with.  I have contemplated these words now for several days, and it seems I always have a blindfold upon my mind, unsure of where to navigate, and my heart feels bound by heavy chains as I attempted to complete this.  I am standing in the midst of this current storm where a majority of what I feel is panic.  There is no life vest or life boat rescuing me, the umbrella is not working as well as it should, and my feet are cold and damp. In my greatest of fears, I wonder if I'll see the rainbow that will come at the end of this storm, and it terrifies me. 

Life moves, with or without you

Life...such a beautiful complexity of turmoil and joy.  

Life...filled with so many amazing moments.  

Life. 

It is hard to imagine my life without those moments of turmoil and joy.  After all, aren't those the moments that defined who I am?  Aren't those the moments that established my thoughts, my habits, my fears, my beliefs?  Aren't those moments what have shaped faith within my soul?  And regardless of how much I request the sun not rise in the morning when I am in turmoil, there is always a sweet joy when I see that new day dawn.

I am trying.  I am attempting to move forward, to not look to the past for sympathy.  I am attempting, hard as I might, to trust those who are in my world.  I am attempting each day to view the world as a place of hope, a place where dreams will come true, even if they were not the dreams I started out with.  Each new day offers me the ability to realize more than I had yesterday, prepare for tomorrow, and try to enjoy the very minute I am in right now.

It is an ever increasing battle to not allow previous experience or worries of the world cloud my judgement for decision-making.  If I allowed those to take hold, I would not be able to step out of my house.  For all those that I willingly gave my trust and respect to, only to have them disrespect me with their inability to maintain my trust is reason alone to not step out.  But for each person this has happened with, they have given me blessings beyond measure - they taught me about pain, about hurt, about strength.  For all those that broke my heart, treating it as an option within their lives, they have taught me the value of love that is unconditional from not only my Heavenly Father, but also the love I am able to give.  For all those who caused issues within my life, they remind me of how sacred a life in peace is.  For all those who misused my friendship, who dashed my hopes, or did not live up to what they presented themselves as - they have given me a guideline for what I do want in my life.

All those moments all have given me a road map for what I do want in my life.  Instead of disrupting my faith, they have given me the hope to know things will not always be as they are when I am suffering.  There is more for me to accomplish, more to do.  There is more for me to see, more to offer. 

Life moves on.  

I am either moving with it, or I am being run over by it.  

And I am not choosing the latter. 

If we are the body

I am a white female, blending into the proverbial room nicely - I don't stick out like a sore thumb, and I am also not going to necessarily shine like a star.  I prefer it this way.  

As a female I have experienced some difficulties based on the gender I was born. Not as many as generations before me, however.  At the end of the day, I am someone who has had very little issue with fitting in, I think from time to time everyone feels this in some way or another. But not the difficulties other friends have experienced by being gay, being darker in skin tone. 

I am a Christian, and highly spiritual, but have friends who are Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist...as a Christian living in the United States, I have had very little ridicule based on my faith.  If I was born somewhere else, that may be different.  I don't feel the need to apologize for my political or religious beliefs, holding them closely to my heart.  I welcome others to discuss their faith and political ideals if they are, in turn, willing to actively listen to my sentiments.  We may not agree, but it is the sharing that I find important.  We may come from different thought patterns or ideals, but it is learning how and why someone feels the way they do you are truly able to respect those thoughts.

I am not gay.  I have never held an attraction to someone of the same sex, nor have I ever entertained the idea of having a relationship with someone of the same sex.  That is not how I was born. From a very early age I remember having crushes on boys - heck, I still remember the name of my crush in Kindergarten through 2nd grade.  Paxton.  He had dark hair, was a nice boy, and I always wanted to sit next to him if we had small group circles where we sat next to people. I do, however, have openly gay friends and family members. It hurts my heart to see some of the struggles they go through based on their heart.  Discussions at length have occurred with some of them.  Some of my friends have struggled for years with emotions and feelings they tried to suppress from those closest to them for fear of rejection.  Some have struggled with that end result of rejection from those who once called themselves friends.  And maybe the worst is when you are rejected from your family, those who you are bound to by blood and birth.  Over time, feelings may change.  Over time, reactions that once were the source of pain may be calmed.  

Here are my thoughts, and while some may not agree with me, and that is fine.  My thoughts come from a place that is genuine in love for my family and friends who have a difficult time with the reaction of others.

Putting yourself into someone else's shoes is often very difficult, and not as easy a task as we would assume.  I am far from perfect, and will never say that I am perfect.  I would rather have myself surrounded by loving, supporting, caring individuals.  Some times this will include those who share different opinion than mine, different backgrounds, experiences, ideals than those I hold for myself. 

As a Christian, I believe we are to love everyone.  Loving someone is not an emotion - it is a choice.  It eventually develops into what we associate with emotion, but in the end, we all have a choice to love someone.  As a Christian, I believe my loving others is not segregated by differences of ethnicity, religion, education, color of skin, height, weight, political views, or sexual orientation. I will not always get along with everyone I meet; that is the nature of being human.  But I do have the ability to respect all those I meet, and just as loving someone is a choice, so is respecting others.  

We are taught in church to accept others, yet sit and pass judgement as we look around at the congregation.  While we may not be doing this purposely, it still settles into our hearts, into our minds, and carries over into our daily lives.  If Christ was able to accept all who came to him, both while on earth and in today's age, why do we feel we are so much mightier to judge others?  As if our lives are so much more valuable than another person's life? In speaking from the heart, I feel no need to judge another person based on their skin color, religion, sexual preference. 

We are taught from the Bible that Jesus walked this Earth, befriending those who were seen as less than desirable.  He befriended those that were seen as having value as well.  His love didn't stop based on someone's physical health, or their choices made in life.  He showed the highest example by knowing how to love others not based on what the world knows them as, but as His Father saw them - a beautiful soul created in His image.  There are no accidents when it comes to His love for us; He does not withhold His grace from us based on attributes mentioned above. The Lord accepts us as we are, where we are, for who we are.  Jesus accepted others in the same manner, showing us an example of the highest quality of love.  Why are we unable to do the same thing?  At the end of the day, I do not want to have the role of judge for the world when I sometimes cannot even manage my own life effectively.  I believe that role should only be held by Heavenly Father.  It is not my job to pass judgement upon someone else.

If we hold the belief that we are all God's children, we need to start practicing what we preach.  We need to accept others, regardless of how they may appear when walking through our church doors. We need to look beyond skin tone, sexual preference, and religious belief and truly love others as If we are the body of Christ, we need to actively love others regardless of previous 'sins' committed.  If we are all followers of Christ, we need to see the beautiful spirit others have, and remember we are all beautiful in the eyes of Christ.  We are never to assume authority or supremacy above others simply because they are different.

We are all unique.  We are all special in one form or another.  There is not another person out there, wandering through their lives, experiencing the exact same situations, thoughts, and emotions as I am.  We will all make mistakes in our lives, we will all follow a path based on our desires, our experiences.  Others will make decisions we do not like, hurt others for unknown reasons.  People will make decisions that make us feel proud to know them, hopefully feeling blessed in their joys.  

In the end, we are all created in His image, created to love Him, and created to learn while we are here on His Earth. 

19 years and I still think of him

Today marks the 19th anniversary of my friend, Steven, passing away.  

We were both 16 years old at the time. 

We were so full of life, energy, ambition, and invincibility.  

And now, he has been gone longer than he was here.  

It is funny how, as a kid or as a teen, you think you are invincible.  You may honestly believe if you want to fly, you can.  You don't see limitations of ability - only the desire to do something.  You can't imagine anything beyond your bubble world.  In this bubble world, no one leaves, no one dies, and the world is such a happy place.

Each year, I remember him on this day.  How can I not?  He was endearing, frustrating, cute, and funny.  He was that friend you could tell anything to, and he wouldn't care.  He was that guy you always had a little crush on but never spoke up and told him.  He was that student in class that annoyed teachers, but they still loved him due to his smile and thoughtfulness.  He was that person that could light up a room just by walking in.  And he was gone all too soon before his dreams were realized. 

It is by no coincidence that we meet those in life for purposes greater than we understand at the time.  It is by no mistake I knew Steve.  For all the lessons he taught me, unknowingly at the time, I have carried in my heart for the past 19 years.  That smile when things were not going the way he wanted reminds me to smile despite my own feelings of defeat.  That ambition to master his current obsession reminds me to never stop entertaining my own passions.  That sense of humor that literally set the world on fire with laughter reminds me to always enjoy my days, because I may not see another.  At times, I forget he is gone, remembering an event that happened eons ago that I want to share with him now.  At times, he remains as a ghost figure in my present day, always 16 with his mohawked hair, skating down the road. 

In visiting my parents to this day I feel compelled to walk by his old house, now occupied by a new family with new children roaming the halls.  I remember all those moments I would walk to his house as a kid, before his death to hang out with him, and after his death to visit with his mom.  I visit the cemetery, sit on the grass, and tell him all that has happened since the last visit I had.  I share my life, as I know it now, with him, fully believing he is able to smile, fully able to listen still regardless that he isn't physically sitting next to me.  In the time Steve has been gone, I have graduated high school, got married, started a family, got divorced, started careers, discovered new places, revisited old places, and watched my children grow, becoming the age Steve and I were when we met.

Death is never hard on those that leave.  They hopefully are in the direct vision of the Lord, able to view the Heavens and Earth from a different vantage point.  Death is hard on those left behind.  We are the keepers of their spirit, their dreams, and their lives as we knew it.  We grieve in different ways, celebrating at times then feeling nostalgic at other times.  But life moves forward, each day passes until you look at a calendar, realizing 19 years filled with many different new moments have been experienced.  My recent moments have been difficult in mind and spirit, and this day, rather than mourning Steve, I am going to live with his example.  If only for today, I am going to smile in spite of anything that happens, laugh as if I have never laughed before, and enjoy my time.  Tomorrow I can try the process again - in honor of a great guy I still call friend, still talk to despite the distance between us.  Today, I am celebrating his life through celebrating mine.

I miss him

I was going through old emails, text messages, pictures, general things I have held onto for fear of letting them go.  It is in keeping them I am reminded of what was.  In keeping them, I am also reminded of what could have been.  Right now, I have nothing but sadness in my heart.  Bitter-sweet are the words that were shared at one time.  Right now, my heart feels so heavy, my head feels as if it is spinning, and my world still feels out of sorts. 

The truth is that while I am trying with all my might to get over things, it isn't working.  It isn't working in my heart to erase the love I still feel.  It isn't working in my mind to simply think of something else.  The hardest part of letting go is knowing that in letting go you can never return.  Even worse, I am not sure I want to let go.  I am not sure even how to let go.  Today after work I cried myself home.  I prayed, pleaded with the Lord to release the thoughts I have.  Part of me wants to release, and the other part wants back what I had.  And somehow, I don't think either is correct 100%.

I am not sure given all the obstacles how he feels.  I have tried to not assume.  I have tried to just take what I know, leave it, and allow him to move on.  His request for a break was compounded by my knowledge of him seeing someone else before our talk of a break; why would I want to hold him back from that.  Isn't that the opposite of what you do when you love someone?  You don't confine them, you don't own them.  You allow them to be who they are.  How do I tell him that I am hurt by his own actions, but would rather he be happy with someone else than feel lonely while with me being 2,500 miles away? Yes, I know I deserve more than someone who may be seeing other people while trying to determine what I am to him.  That is not what I envision my life to be, that is not what I want to be a part of.  But tell that to my heart - it doesn't listen right now. I spent so long focusing on how to love him, how to show him my feelings, how to encourage and support him that I didn't see this coming.  And once it happened, once I knew what was going on past what he was telling me, I had to release due to that love.  I had to feel hurt in order to let him go.  I had to listen to details provided to me from others due to his inability to share with me.  Was that wrong?  Was that the worst thing I could have done in the situation I was in, given all I knew and found out?  In the end, I still miss him.  In the end, I still am crying over him.  In the end, my life hasn't changed since our talk - the only difference is that he and I talk infrequently, and our talks are centered around difficult decisions.

My heart is broken.  My spirit is broken.  My soul feels so lonely and I am not sure how to feel.  I lack trust on so many different levels, yet desperately cling to memories, to words via text or email.  How do I share this without feeling like once again my heart will be crushed.  I am smart enough to know that my feelings may not be reciprocated.  I am smart enough to know that I should not look back, but look forward.  But that is all mind over heart.  And my heart sadly always wins, or loses depending upon how you look at it.  Advise has been given, and while it hasn't fallen on deaf ears, it is still something I am trying to accept.

In recent conversations with him he is passive aggressive, letting me know he is upset by things I have said.  Clarity and care I think are needed on both ends. How do I tell him all the thoughts in my heart without alienating him, hurting him worse?  How can I tell him that I am still in love with him, and because I am still in love I keep my distance.  No one can understand that feeling unless they have been in my shoes.  There have been so many things between us, so many moments of confusion and pain that I am not sure he will understand where I am coming from.  I didn't want to have things end; I was contemplating a huge move to be closer to him, thought of all options of how to make things work, and do not understand why he chose the route he took.  I don't understand why I feel so discarded, so alone, so truly abandoned.  All I know is that I miss him, I miss what we shared, I miss talking, I miss laughing with him, our little jokes, the calls, the texts.  I miss his friendship, I miss his support; I just miss him.

I don't know how long it will take for my heart to feel mended. I am not sure how long it may take before I feel like I can smile without reservation, trust without fear, love without wondering when it will end.  I don't know how I can move forward while I am remaining in the past.  I wish my heart would snap back from this and I was on the road to another happiness, but until then I just wish my heart would not ache when hearing his voice, when seeing his name, when thinking about him, or seeing a picture of him.  I wish I would be able to just allow the Lord to help me move on.

A blue rose in the midst of dandelions

I received an email today from my mom with this story:

Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I  offered to go to the store for her to get some needed items, which included light bulbs, paper towels, trash bags, detergent and Clorox.  So off I went.

I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the checkout counter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there.

This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over here."

It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes widened and surprise exploded on his  face as  I said, "Hey Buddy, what's your name?"

"My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly.

"Wow," I said, "that's a cool name; I wish my name was Denny, but my  name is Steve."

"Steve, like Stevarino?" he asked.  

"Yes," I answered. "How old are you Denny?"

"How old am I now, Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle.

"You're fifteen-years-old Denny; now be a good boy and let the man pass by."

I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement, because he was the center of someone's attention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section.

Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him.

I told her  that it was my pleasure and then I said something I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow, and pink roses in God's Garden; however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a Blue Rose and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God.

She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, "Who are you?"

Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a dandelion, but I sure love living in God's garden."

She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "God bless you!" and then I had tears in my eyes.

May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, don't turn your head and walk off. Take the time to smile and say Hello. Why? Because, by the grace of GOD, this mother  or father could be you. This could be your child, grandchild, niece or nephew. What a difference a moment can mean to that person or their family.

From an old dandelion!  Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God .

"People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel!"   ~Maya Angelou

Mean

"Mean"

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
Got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow
but you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing
But all you are is mean

All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever going to be is mean, yeah yeah
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever going to be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

Isaiah 55:6-11

 

 

Seek the LORD while He may be found; 

   call on Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way 

   and the evil man his thoughts. 

Let him turn to the LORD,
   and He will have mercy on him, 

and to our God, for He will freely pardon.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, 
   

   neither are your ways My ways,” 
          
       declares the LORD. 

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, 

   so are My ways higher than your ways 

   and My thoughts than your thoughts. 

As the rain and the snow 

   come down from heaven, 

and do not return to it 

   without watering the earth 

and making it bud and flourish, 

   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is My Word that goes out from My mouth: 

   It will not return to Me empty, 

but will accomplish what I desire 

   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

 

   (Isaiah 55:6-11)

Can you keep a secret?

I have noticed recently that I am lacking patience and trust for others.  Not just patience and trust, but I am standing guard, awaiting their attack upon the fortress of my heart.  I am waiting for others to find the weakness within my walls, send in their troops, and attack at a full-speed ahead motion.  In those I know I can trust, they have not failed me.  In those I question, they seem to have failed me at levels of disappointment I didn't realize I could have.

What is it that we need to accomplish in order to not have feelings of mistrust and impatience toward others?  I often tell my son that if he does not want the world to know something, he should not tell his sister.  If he chooses to tell her something important upon his own heart, he is placing into her hands a secret weapon she may be able to use against him, both intentionally and unintentionally.

The sentiment often comes about that during joyous and difficult times you discover who you are, and you discover who your true friends are.  Those that remain with you, those that maintain friendship, those that keep your fears, your anguish, your hopes, your dreams as they would keep theirs - close to their heart and not shared with the world.   It is rare to find a union with another person such as this.  So rare, we tend to hide away, not letting others in for fear our fortress walls will be damaged by those in our life.

In life, it seems, it is far better to protect ourselves with imaginary walls that cannot be shattered, rather than creating a door in which others may enter.  We have learned from previous experience that a door works not just one direction - the direction into our hearts and lives.  A door also allows others to walk away from our hearts, from our lives, and out into the world where we no longer have the ability to control what may happen. We no longer have the ability to control what may be said, or done.  We no longer have the ability to protect what is ours, and ours alone - momentarily shared with another to use intentionally or unintentionally against us.  And that union, that bond, may forever be broken if we learn our secrets have been made into gossip fodder, where the lines of truth, exaggeration, and falsehood are often blurred. 

So, this is where I sit, lying en wait for the next attack.  This is where I sit, listening to someone tell me I have shared with the world what was on my heart, when really it has been done in such different methods.  I have written about my pain, but not in a detailed dialogue that would cause true damage, unless you are the one who created the turmoil and feel some sort of shame regardless if you admit to this.  I have not shared the very intimate goings-on of my life as other close friends have opted to do without my knowledge.  I walk around and amongst friends, wondering what all they may know due to the breach of confidence that has occurred.  And I have built walls again; walls that had once been doors with the ability to enter and leave, feeling safe that my feelings would not be seen as tabloid news. One day I will learn from my mistakes, one day I will grow, one day I will be a scholar in the knowledge of how to share correctly.

Really, I am not too surprised by the events that have unfolded.  I know far too much about others lives based on those that can't seem to keep their mouth shut.   I know intimate details of people's relationships, personal accounts, work history, friendships that are not any of my business to know about.  But the difference is that information is not shared with others.  When someone I know has the courage, strength, and need to share information with me I don't want to share it with others.  I have learned the hard way as the one on the other end that when it is revealed you shared information that was not yours to share, it only causes pain and destruction.

In picking up the brick and mortar to build this wall I have discovered the level of truth, exaggeration, and falsehood that has been created.  Those that taut this information to the world can be overheard saying they don't want to be in the middle of anything.  Those that relay this information back to me, the friend rather than the frenemy, in an attempt to confirm the information that was shared to them through another source are now also caught in the battle of my heart.  They are there to help create this wall, constructing the wall with me to keep others out. . 

Supporting others

Sometimes I seriously wonder about people.  I wonder why they feel the need to not listen to why you may be doing something, only point out that you are doing something wrong. Or they simply do not care enough to support your passion but expect you to support theirs.

I recently encountered this when supporting a team in the NCAA basketball playoffs.  I was supporting UConn due to the relationship I was in, but also because I really started to enjoy watching this group of men playing ball.  I was told by others that I shouldn't support the team, I knew nothing about the team other than my boyfriend was supporting them.  These comments were met with "Why wouldn't I support what he enjoys?  Isn't that what you do when you are in a relationship - you support each other?"  I was so upset that my intentions would even be questioned when they were coming out of a place of love, of desire to see the person I was with be filled with happiness.  Silly - allowing a sport to make me feel so defensive, but as a friend, I have done this time and time again for those I care about.

To me, you support your family, your friends, those you love and care about.  You support them when they may not know how to believe in themselves...you encourage them, take an interest in them, and let them know you are on their side.  You may not always agree with their decisions, but rising above that to support their accomplishments is far more important. You may not always appreciate with their interests the way you do your own, but finding the time to show your support means a world of difference to those in your life.

I have done this in many different arenas and avenues in my life.  I am not perfect, though, and definitely do not feel I am so much better than others...I just appreciate how it feels when someone supports me.  I appreciate when someone says to me "I know nothing about this, but I am here for you."  I appreciate when someone takes the time to learn about something I have an interest in rather than bash it.  Or, on the flip side, I appreciate when they take the time to learn about it, support it, and let me know they support me.

I learned this once from an ex-boyfriend, and baseball.  My teams are the Angels first, then the Red Sox.  I enjoy watching some other teams, but those are the teams I truly watch, want to succeed.  The problem with having these as my favorite teams is that they are both American League teams, and if they both make any type of play-off series, chances are they are playing against one another.  My ex-boyfriend was a Red Sox fan.  And there was one playoff season where the Angels actually won against the Red Sox...quite a feat.  We were not together during this time, having broken up months before.  I received a text message saying congratulations on the Angels continuing in the series race to the World Series...there was no sarcasm, no hint of ridicule.  Just the genuine feeling of knowing it was important to me, and while he could have not texted me at all, he took the time.  That is what I feel is important...that level of support...

Take a few moments each day to learn something more about those in your life.  Parents should encourage their children on their aspirations.  Husbands and wives should participate in activities that may not be of their interest, but mean the world to their spouse or significant other.  Friends should adopt a policy of understanding and desire to encourage each other in their pursuits.  Listening to those in your life, allowing your walls to break down, learning more about endeavors beyond our own hands and minds could change our world for the better.

If we do not support one another, why are we surprised when there is no one there to support us when we fall?  Isn't that the essence of being a family?  Isn't that the essence of friendship?  Isn't that the essence of love - isn't that the essence of what we desire, but fear to show the most?  Why do we so often choose our self-interest over the interests of those we care about?  Our world would be a kinder, gentler place to live if we all would take the time to support one another, to learn about each other, and love each other for who we are, and what we like, rather than feel the need to become abrasive due to a minor difference of opinion.  We all only have this life to live, why not embrace it with kindness, understanding, and a helping hand.

The stars are talking to me?

Maybe I am a fool for reading this stuff.  Maybe I am someone who hopes for her future, looking into every avenue she can to discover more about herself. But the Weekly Love Horoscope and the Daily Horoscope for today seem to align with my current feelings, emotions, expressions...all those silly things we feel within us but have the greatest fear of expressing to others...the secrets of our hearts where, if exposed, we may feel naked within the world filled with nothing more than others who are clothed.                         Weekly Love Horoscope  By Jeff Jawer

For the week of May 30, 2011 The sentimental Cancer Moon pushes your emotional buttons this weekend, yet it's hard to know whether you want to go forward or in reverse as feelings can change so suddenly. Friday is especially edgy with romantic thunderstorms looming on the horizon. Saturday's atmosphere is more stable, allowing you to think more clearly about whom and what you really want, then Sunday's Leo Moon gives you the green light to cut loose and finally have some fun. Today's Daily Horoscope  By Rick Levine powered by DailyHoroscope.com Saturday, Jun 4, 2011 -- It's not that there's anything specifically wrong; it's just that you may not have the luxury of speaking your mind in an unedited fashion today. Sharing your worries might send someone you like into an emotional tailspin, intensifying the drama. Instead, be smart and help others feel more at ease with what's happening now. Ultimately, being sensitive is a much wiser approach than telling everyone exactly what you think. All About Pisces February 19 - March 20 Fish act as one when swimming with their schools, and just as each fish is part of a greater whole, you Pisces Fish are more aware of interdependency than any other zodiac sign. It's as if you live in an ocean and the spirit that flows through you is one that flows through all fishes. The symbol of the Fish is also the symbol of Christianity, the predominant religion during the past two thousand years -- also known to astrologers as the "Age of Pisces." As a Pisces, you are spiritual in nature and emotional in expression. Intuition and imagination are both your strengths and weaknesses, and you are attracted to the mystical side of things -- this can be dangerous, though, because the realm of imagination offers little structure to your everyday life. Without the foundation of reality, it becomes easy to flounder. Your own salvation, then, can come from helping others less fortunate than yourself -- those who have been caught in the currents of life and into addiction or spiritual confusion. Your motto might be "Reality is just a shared illusion," and, in a higher sense this may be true. Nevertheless, you still need to survive in this "shared illusion" of reality, which can sometimes become a struggle as you compassionate Fish often feel the pain of the world as if it were your own. There's no easy escape -- your best path is to follow a creative or spiritual pursuit while doing your work in the real world. The Pisces element is Water The waters of Pisces are the waters of consciousness itself. Just as Water is the element of emotion, the Water of Pisces connects each of us to one another in ways that go beyond the rational and into the sea of thoughts and beliefs.  Horoscope house: 12th The 12th house is like the astrological refuse collector. It's not about endings in the traditional sense; it's more about recycling. Here is where we brush up against our own limitations and see how they undo what we've done. Here is where it all dissolves into the boundless cosmos, only to be transformed and to start anew, back in the 1st house, all over again. Pisces' key planet: Neptune As the key planet for Pisces, Neptune is about the spiritual and the mystical. It's about what we cannot see with our five senses. Neptune was the God (or Goddess) of the Seas. She symbolizes the dissolution of reality, for all earth arises from the ocean and eventually to it returns. Neptune is represented by the mists, which prevent us from seeing what's really "out there." Instead, we must rely on our own imagination to guide us through the hidden realms. Your greatest strength You have compassion for those in need Your possible weakness Your confusion can be a disadvantage Sign information from: http://www.dailyhoroscope.com/horoscope-signs/pisces

Lou Gehrig Speech

I was in 8th grade when I became obsessed with Lou Gehrig.  It was a strange attraction, given that at the time I could have cared less about baseball.  In fact, it would be another 10 years before I started watching baseball as a hobby, and another 2 or 3 years to have that develop into a loving relationship in which I have to maintain regardless of wins and losses each season.

8th grade...such a wonderful grade to be in.  So much confusion, so much time spent worrying about the wrong things and wondering what life will be like.  It was also a time where television produced movies of the week about everything from kids being kidnapped to a man who was battling Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS - other wise known as Lou Gehrig's disease.  The movie touched me in such a way that I started researching this disease for a paper at school, learning more about Larrupin' Lou Gehrig. At one point I could have told you his entire stat history.  In a room with posters for New Kids on the Block's Donny Wahlberg and Tom Cruise (hey, it was the 80's), I also had a picture of Gehrig until I left home after high school.  I still have that picture within my pictures of family and friends.  And while I will adamantly tell you I do not like the Yankees, Lou (along with Joe DiMaggio) are some of my favorite players of yesteryear.  He was a man who loved what he did, loved those around him, and never seemed to get into trouble like his cohort Babe Ruth.  He was a man who suffered many hardships in health from an early start, always able to overcome and succeed.  He was a man who cherished his family, cherished his friends, and cherished his fans.  He considered his life and those in his life as nothing short of a blessing.  I don't think there will ever be another man like Lou Gehrig, both on and off the fields of life and baseball.

Lou Gehrig's Speech

Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans.

Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of his career to associate with them for even one day?

Sure, I'm lucky. Who wouldn't consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert - also the builder of baseball's greatest empire, Ed Barrow - to have spent the next nine years with that wonderful little fellow Miller Huggins - then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology - the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy!

Sure, I'm lucky. When the New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift, that's something! When everybody down to the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies, that's something.

When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles against her own daughter, that's something. When you have a father and mother who work all their lives so that you can have an education and build your body, it's a blessing! When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed, that's the finest I know.

So I close in saying that I might have had a tough break - but I have an awful lot to live for!

A mess to be made, and the some days

One of my favorite movies is "Til There Was You".  Not a big movie, but it does have some great actors who portray this story of boy meets girl and everything in between.  You watch the characters grow from children into adults as the story reveals who they are, what they are.

In the movie, the two female characters play a game as kids called "Someday".  A silly game girls everywhere play, regardless of when or where you grow up.  It is a game where you talk about what you would like for the future, what you want out of life, what your expectations are, and what you think you will have...someday.

A mess to be made, for sure, when you live off someday rather than today.  You seem to forget what your task at hand may be.  You lose focus on what priorities you should have, focusing in the daydreams rather than reality.  But, it is nice to play this little game every once in a while.  A way of capturing who you genuinely are, and what you genuinely want.  A way of remembering how to dream, how to not forget those dreams...

Someday I will be able to trust again.

Someday I will be able to have financial security based upon my hard work, my diligence in saving, and my desire to have a wonderful retirement.

Someday I will travel to Boston to see Fenway Park.

Someday I will travel to Italy, see the villages I have read about, watched documentaries about.

Someday I will publish something for the world to read.

Someday I will have a closet large enough to fit all my clothes without it being a struggle.

Someday I will see my children graduate from high school, from college, and see them start lives and families of their own.

Someday I will call those I struggle with, listen to why they may struggle with me, and tell them thank you for all the moments they have provided me with to become the person I am today.

Someday I will have hair at the length I want.

Someday I will be at peace with the past, find peace with the pain I feel now, and be able to remember only fond memories instead of all the memories that only cause tears.

Someday, I will get married again, and to a man who will love me unconditionally.  Someone who makes me smile just at the sound of his name, someone who I would move mountains for just to protect our relationship.

Someday I will be able to sit on a porch, family surrounding me, and look back on a wonderful life I was able to have, filled with blessings.

My Love by Sia (with Lyrics)

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for release
You gave it all into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us
You came thoughtfully
Loved me faithfully
You taught me honor
You did it for me

Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me, my love
Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home
My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you
You took my hand and added a plan
You gave me your heart
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly
Did what you could release
Ah, ooh
I know you're pleased to go
I won't relieve this love

Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sia-lyrics/my-love-lyrics.html |]

Sia - Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Shutting down and other defense mechanisms

There are many things we may use to protect our hearts and minds during times of sadness, sorrow, trouble, or when dealing with pain.  For me, I shut down...literally.

I have never been good with confrontation.  In fact, I am one that tends to avoid it as much as I can.  While some confrontation is good, I prefer to avoid the type of confrontation that leads to arguments, or other situations that lead to only hurt, pain, and disillusionment.

Recently, this has been where I reside.  I reside in a state of shut down.  I have a hard time expressing myself to those I once viewed as being close for fear of being exposed for my feelings.  I have a hard time letting go and letting God do what needs to be done within my life. 

I was in a conversation on the phone recently where I was told I was the one who decided to have things "over".  Along with every other emotion I have been dealing with, I was taken aback by this statement.  How did I decide things were over when I knew details that were not pleasant to know?  I don't think it was too much to ask when confronting a situation, requesting the truth, to receive omission that later I am blamed for.  Here is the thing.  Because I love him, because I truly wanted him to be happy, I had to face the fact that if he was seeing other people, maybe he was not as happy with me.  If he wanted to move on, why would I hold him back?  I didn't decide to move on, I wasn't seeing anyone else.  I wasn't omitting my emotions or feelings.  I was trying to determine ways to be together, ways to enrich both of our lives, and to be with him.  I wasn't talking to other people, entertaining the idea of seeing others, I wasn't introducing my family to someone new.  I wasn't walking around telling other people that things were over between us - that we had a talk about being on a break.  How could I be the one who decided to have things over when all I wanted was to be with him, give him the space he asked for, and try to continue to maintain faith that if this was something meant to be, it would all work out.

I guess I have lost faith in so many things in the past three months.  I went from thinking I was with someone I would share more time with to being treated in passive aggressive methods for him to show his own pain.  I went from feeling comfortable sharing my thoughts to being told my thoughts were extremely hurtful and that I am foolish in how I feel.  I went from being told I was important and special to being told I was hurtful to him.  I have lost the person I loved, and at the same time I hear from him telling me how awful a person I am.  All I did was try to avoid confrontation, to treat him with respect and wait for him to tell me what was going on. 

It hurts.  The whole situation has been nothing short of a dream gone wrong.  I don't understand so much, I don't have anyone to really discuss this with.  And while he says we will talk about things sometime, what will that conversation be?  Me, listening to him tell me how horrible I am when I sat, believing he wanted to be with me but was making plans with someone else?  I would have done anything for him to be happy, for him to have the life he needed and wanted.  That meant me walking away, allowing him that space he requested.  That meant I knew he was with someone else, and choosing to not let this be difficult for me.  That meant that when he contacted me with confusing emails telling me he was still thinking about what he wanted I had to choose to not confront him with what I knew, and ask questions. 

No, instead I have shut down.  I have shut down and am unable to discuss my feelings.  I am unable to discuss the amount of pain my heart feels.  I am unable to think clearly, and evidently unable to tell him how I am feeling without fear of hurting him again, without revealing where I am and what I feel for fear of ridicule.  I am so alone in this world right now, so painfully alone with my thoughts, and with my unrealized dreams.