Monday, June 20, 2011

Without the rain, there would be no rainbow

Copyright (c) Ahmed Sharif, 2006 http://www.flickr.com/photos/desherchobi/

And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down.
Without the rain, there would be no rainbow.
~ Jerry Chin
I love rain. I have a location I like to drive to during the summer monsoon storms where I can see a view of the Phoenix skyline.  I can see the occasional lightening strikes, watch the drops fall from the skies above to reach my skin.  And even though I am in the middle of a busy city, I am in a spot very few know of, or would think to go. I also live in the desert where rain is seen rarely, appreciated greatly, and valued highly.  During these moments in my secret location I am surrounded by peace.  That peace I so desperately desire within my daily life filled with it's own storms of a different sort that, at times, show no sign of a rainbow to occur.
If only the storms within my life could be solved by a drive, a skyline, and a moment of cleansing such as I receive on my summer storm drives I take.  If only I was as strong as the wildflowers able to withstand the downpours we are known to receive, yet still maintain my ability to stand straight, appear to the world as I did before. I have been fortunate in my entire life to be surrounded by those who are strong - who resemble the wildflower.

My heart has recently suffered loss that my mind can't even comprehend.

Yet, the past few months have not been the cause or source of my pain, rather a simple continuation of sadness, a continuation of defeat, a continuation of this hole upon my heart that seems to grow bigger with each passing day.

Some days it feels this hole grows exponentially by the second.  Other days it feels that I am recooperating as if I have been suffering from some type of illness, and health is just around the corner.

But the truth is, I don't know if health is just around the corner...I have no way of knowing that.

I am weary of needing to be strong, to portray an image of strength and stability to the world.  I do not feel strong.  Others opinions of my strength is due to not knowing the true pain within my heart.  They see someone who is able to stand straight, when the opposite is actually closer to the truth.  My strength is a cover for the extreme sensitivity encompassing my world.  For once, I wish someone who hold me up, tell me and show me things will be okay.  For once, I would like someone to say "I believe in you, believe in your ability, and I am going to stand by your side always to remind you." instead of the "I am just not sure about (insert any excuse, comment, or thought I have heard within the past few months, the past few years, the past few decades), and need some time."  For once, I wish I could have that ability to let my guard down. 

I am stuck at this horrible crossroad within my life where each direction I look, I only see fog covering the path.  I am unable to see where the light may be, or if there is even a light at all.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to trust someone.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel joy, that unadulterated satisfying joy you only find within yourself.  I wish I could remember what it felt like to feel beautiful, to feel appreciated, to feel loved.  And right now, because I can't seem to conjure those feelings for myself, I am unable to allow others in to see that glow I may possess.  I am a child, hiding behind the legs of my father again, hoping to become invisible to the world when spoken to.  Yet, that does not happen.  Instead of becoming invisible, I feel I am completely naked and exposed in my emotion, in my pain, in the latest developments of whatever feeling is going on at this moment.  And, so sitting here, overcome with emotion, I have a tear-stained face, blurry eyes, and sinking feeling within my soul.  I have no resolution in sight, no real glimmer of hope, and only utter sadness.  I feel lonely even when surrounded by those I care about.  I feel this overwhelming despondency within an instance of happiness.  And I wish I could just stop it all...I wish I could just feel that peace I feel when watching the rain fall in my secret watching spot.

I hide away from the world.  I have stopped interacting with those who have shown themselves to not be trustworthy in an attempt to save me from further discomfort.  I have hidden my heart, the essence of my spirit from those who have always loved me.  In describing this to my sister, I have said I am like a turtle in her shell - protecting myself from the outside world while not letting anyone into my hiding place.  I have started analyzing the intentions of others, and where they may be headed with those intentions.  I don't have energy to invest time to waste on individuals who instigate hurt based on meddling, based on gossiping, and based on deception or omission.  Yet, at the same time, I have also placed upon my time the inability to share my frustrations with those who have not hurt me, who have not displayed insincere actions. I certainly do not feel like the wildflower, bending with the rain yet standing tall within the proceeding sunshine that always comes.

When I started writing this post, I had a different plan for the words I was typing than what I has evolved and the post I am now finishing with.  I have contemplated these words now for several days, and it seems I always have a blindfold upon my mind, unsure of where to navigate, and my heart feels bound by heavy chains as I attempted to complete this.  I am standing in the midst of this current storm where a majority of what I feel is panic.  There is no life vest or life boat rescuing me, the umbrella is not working as well as it should, and my feet are cold and damp. In my greatest of fears, I wonder if I'll see the rainbow that will come at the end of this storm, and it terrifies me. 

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