Can you keep a secret?

I have noticed recently that I am lacking patience and trust for others.  Not just patience and trust, but I am standing guard, awaiting their attack upon the fortress of my heart.  I am waiting for others to find the weakness within my walls, send in their troops, and attack at a full-speed ahead motion.  In those I know I can trust, they have not failed me.  In those I question, they seem to have failed me at levels of disappointment I didn't realize I could have.

What is it that we need to accomplish in order to not have feelings of mistrust and impatience toward others?  I often tell my son that if he does not want the world to know something, he should not tell his sister.  If he chooses to tell her something important upon his own heart, he is placing into her hands a secret weapon she may be able to use against him, both intentionally and unintentionally.

The sentiment often comes about that during joyous and difficult times you discover who you are, and you discover who your true friends are.  Those that remain with you, those that maintain friendship, those that keep your fears, your anguish, your hopes, your dreams as they would keep theirs - close to their heart and not shared with the world.   It is rare to find a union with another person such as this.  So rare, we tend to hide away, not letting others in for fear our fortress walls will be damaged by those in our life.

In life, it seems, it is far better to protect ourselves with imaginary walls that cannot be shattered, rather than creating a door in which others may enter.  We have learned from previous experience that a door works not just one direction - the direction into our hearts and lives.  A door also allows others to walk away from our hearts, from our lives, and out into the world where we no longer have the ability to control what may happen. We no longer have the ability to control what may be said, or done.  We no longer have the ability to protect what is ours, and ours alone - momentarily shared with another to use intentionally or unintentionally against us.  And that union, that bond, may forever be broken if we learn our secrets have been made into gossip fodder, where the lines of truth, exaggeration, and falsehood are often blurred. 

So, this is where I sit, lying en wait for the next attack.  This is where I sit, listening to someone tell me I have shared with the world what was on my heart, when really it has been done in such different methods.  I have written about my pain, but not in a detailed dialogue that would cause true damage, unless you are the one who created the turmoil and feel some sort of shame regardless if you admit to this.  I have not shared the very intimate goings-on of my life as other close friends have opted to do without my knowledge.  I walk around and amongst friends, wondering what all they may know due to the breach of confidence that has occurred.  And I have built walls again; walls that had once been doors with the ability to enter and leave, feeling safe that my feelings would not be seen as tabloid news. One day I will learn from my mistakes, one day I will grow, one day I will be a scholar in the knowledge of how to share correctly.

Really, I am not too surprised by the events that have unfolded.  I know far too much about others lives based on those that can't seem to keep their mouth shut.   I know intimate details of people's relationships, personal accounts, work history, friendships that are not any of my business to know about.  But the difference is that information is not shared with others.  When someone I know has the courage, strength, and need to share information with me I don't want to share it with others.  I have learned the hard way as the one on the other end that when it is revealed you shared information that was not yours to share, it only causes pain and destruction.

In picking up the brick and mortar to build this wall I have discovered the level of truth, exaggeration, and falsehood that has been created.  Those that taut this information to the world can be overheard saying they don't want to be in the middle of anything.  Those that relay this information back to me, the friend rather than the frenemy, in an attempt to confirm the information that was shared to them through another source are now also caught in the battle of my heart.  They are there to help create this wall, constructing the wall with me to keep others out. .