I miss him

I was going through old emails, text messages, pictures, general things I have held onto for fear of letting them go.  It is in keeping them I am reminded of what was.  In keeping them, I am also reminded of what could have been.  Right now, I have nothing but sadness in my heart.  Bitter-sweet are the words that were shared at one time.  Right now, my heart feels so heavy, my head feels as if it is spinning, and my world still feels out of sorts. 

The truth is that while I am trying with all my might to get over things, it isn't working.  It isn't working in my heart to erase the love I still feel.  It isn't working in my mind to simply think of something else.  The hardest part of letting go is knowing that in letting go you can never return.  Even worse, I am not sure I want to let go.  I am not sure even how to let go.  Today after work I cried myself home.  I prayed, pleaded with the Lord to release the thoughts I have.  Part of me wants to release, and the other part wants back what I had.  And somehow, I don't think either is correct 100%.

I am not sure given all the obstacles how he feels.  I have tried to not assume.  I have tried to just take what I know, leave it, and allow him to move on.  His request for a break was compounded by my knowledge of him seeing someone else before our talk of a break; why would I want to hold him back from that.  Isn't that the opposite of what you do when you love someone?  You don't confine them, you don't own them.  You allow them to be who they are.  How do I tell him that I am hurt by his own actions, but would rather he be happy with someone else than feel lonely while with me being 2,500 miles away? Yes, I know I deserve more than someone who may be seeing other people while trying to determine what I am to him.  That is not what I envision my life to be, that is not what I want to be a part of.  But tell that to my heart - it doesn't listen right now. I spent so long focusing on how to love him, how to show him my feelings, how to encourage and support him that I didn't see this coming.  And once it happened, once I knew what was going on past what he was telling me, I had to release due to that love.  I had to feel hurt in order to let him go.  I had to listen to details provided to me from others due to his inability to share with me.  Was that wrong?  Was that the worst thing I could have done in the situation I was in, given all I knew and found out?  In the end, I still miss him.  In the end, I still am crying over him.  In the end, my life hasn't changed since our talk - the only difference is that he and I talk infrequently, and our talks are centered around difficult decisions.

My heart is broken.  My spirit is broken.  My soul feels so lonely and I am not sure how to feel.  I lack trust on so many different levels, yet desperately cling to memories, to words via text or email.  How do I share this without feeling like once again my heart will be crushed.  I am smart enough to know that my feelings may not be reciprocated.  I am smart enough to know that I should not look back, but look forward.  But that is all mind over heart.  And my heart sadly always wins, or loses depending upon how you look at it.  Advise has been given, and while it hasn't fallen on deaf ears, it is still something I am trying to accept.

In recent conversations with him he is passive aggressive, letting me know he is upset by things I have said.  Clarity and care I think are needed on both ends. How do I tell him all the thoughts in my heart without alienating him, hurting him worse?  How can I tell him that I am still in love with him, and because I am still in love I keep my distance.  No one can understand that feeling unless they have been in my shoes.  There have been so many things between us, so many moments of confusion and pain that I am not sure he will understand where I am coming from.  I didn't want to have things end; I was contemplating a huge move to be closer to him, thought of all options of how to make things work, and do not understand why he chose the route he took.  I don't understand why I feel so discarded, so alone, so truly abandoned.  All I know is that I miss him, I miss what we shared, I miss talking, I miss laughing with him, our little jokes, the calls, the texts.  I miss his friendship, I miss his support; I just miss him.

I don't know how long it will take for my heart to feel mended. I am not sure how long it may take before I feel like I can smile without reservation, trust without fear, love without wondering when it will end.  I don't know how I can move forward while I am remaining in the past.  I wish my heart would snap back from this and I was on the road to another happiness, but until then I just wish my heart would not ache when hearing his voice, when seeing his name, when thinking about him, or seeing a picture of him.  I wish I would be able to just allow the Lord to help me move on.