"I think we should move on" are 6 terrible words to combine in a sentence

My head, heart, body, and soul are exhausted from the last week. I know this is so ridiculous to once again be upset about a breakup. Breakups happen all the time, right? I am sure right now there are people all over the world breaking up...some mutual, some friendly, some hard, some painful, and all a life changing event. But right now, I don't care about those other couples. I don't know the reasons for their demise. I don't know the secret thoughts, wishes, dreams, plans, words, and memories shared between them. I only know mine. I only know how my heart is breaking in two, and how I would like to do nothing but sit and contemplate the what ifs.

What if I had originally just not been so anxious, or what if I had cut my hair short in a style he liked. What if I had agreed to move in with him. What if I had spoken the matters of my heart more, or what if I spoke those matters too much. What if I hadn't brought this conversation up asking where he was it to end up without him.

All I know is the person I love, the person I want to be with says he loves me, but does not want to be with me.

There was no arguing this time. Only peaceful talk between two people. Some words stung, but I did not let them deter me from what I wanted - him. But, at the end of the conversation, on the phone, I was alone, and afraid, and feeling very unimportant to someone who just claimed I was very important. I sat in my bed, trying to not let the tears sting my eyes once again. Tears would mean that this was real. And when the moment came that this was real, that meant it was really over. I couldn't sleep that night, or the nights that have passed since. It has not that long - only 3 full days since this all occurred. But my heart is heavy in the horrible way that only happens when you see a car accident, someone getting hurt, or the pain of losing the person you love.

There was small indication that this would happen. But, when seeing him on Sunday and mention of summer plans were made, who was I to think he was pondering our demise. When talking to him on Tuesday, concerned that something was wrong, who was I to think that something was me. He said he was not frustrated, upset, or mad at me. But then, what was it that I did to make you turn away?

When talking on the phone with him 2 days later, he asked how I was...hmmm, I wonder...was that intended to be words from someone concerned, or just the kindness you bestow upon any one else you meet.

And so all I do is pray the silly prayers of a girl in love. Those silly prayers to keep him safe, help him to return to me if it is meant to be. Those silly conversations I am desparately wanting to believe someday will be true. I know the Lord can make the incredible become credible. I know my trust in Him will give me strength regardless of the outcome. But, alas, I am also human, and want to have things my way, and not patient for the ways of the Lord at all times. I love him. I miss him. I miss his voice, his scent, his body, his laugh. I miss being able to share our little inside jokes. I miss that for nearly 5 years I have been with him, and it was wiped out in a single sentence of "I think we should move on.