Where one road ends, another begins

They always tell us when one road ends, another begins. Or, when one door closes, another opens. Or, my favorite, when one door closes find an open window...silly little things we, as humans, tell ourselves to get through disappointment. Some disappointment is fleeting. Other disappointment creates a new path in the road we never took before.

Today I am trying to go through things left over from moving into a new place. I have so many papers, clothes, crap to go through. It feels as soon as I get through one hurdle, I discover another...really starting to frustrate me. My thoughts, of course, always take me back to the one who has broken my heart, and praying this, too, shall pass quickly. I have moments of happiness, or something that reminds me of a previous breath of fresh air where everything was possible. Those moments will come again, I know. But right now it is hard to see this.

I am sitting on the computer, after writing my father-in-law an email about my most recent breakup. I am crying, and I am miserable. I have so many questions regarding this loneliness. I don't want to dwell here long, but that is my decision how long I linger. I want to feel that joy again. I suffered through a marriage that was lonely; a marriage of one is not a marriage. When the marriage ended, I managed to pick up the pieces, forge my way to where I am today as someone who is gainfully employed, works hard, and tries her best. I struggled with self-doubt, emptiness, prayer of better circumstances. I have suffered through a broken heart with the same one who broke my heart recently. Every time we came back to one another. But this time we won't come back to one another. All my life it seems I have had to be strong. While today calls for strength I am tired. I am tired of being the one to hold up my end of the rope only to have the other person drop it on their end. I don't want to do the work of 2 anymore. I want to have someone who holds my hand during the hard times, someone who is there helping my own strength to increase.

I must mention that my kids offer me some certain amount of strength. They love me, give me hugs, tell me how important I am to them. But this is not the same.

Right now, my road that has ended is not shedding any light on a detour...Right now I just want a hug. Right now I just want someone to stand by me, regardless of the darkness around us,and tell me they will attempt to find the path with me. I want to be loved, I want to feel loved by someone the Lord has brought into my life that will be next to me on the cold nights when I am afraid. I want this more than anything, but the person I want this with no longer wants that of me.