Lift up my heart

Tonight I am geared up for a rough night. John will be coming over, and usually this makes me extremely happy. Usually this makes me feel special, and loved, and important. That probably won't be the feeling tonight as he is coming over to tell the kids we are no longer together.

I spent most of my night trying to get to sleep last night. I prayed, and cried, and prayed some more. In waking up to this new day it has only been filled with deep emotional pain that I can not really share with the world. On my drive to work this morning, the perfect song came on by Hawk Nelson called Everything You Ever Wanted. Driving down the road, listening to the words say the following was enough to have my morning turn upside down:
I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I have had so much change in the past 2 months, I relied upon him being the constant. The constant that was always there. The constant I could go to when I was worried, happy, sad, mad, or joyful. The constant that always brought me to where I needed to be. I guess I should not rely upon another human being to my a constant since most everything changes, most everyone moves on, and for some reason don't remain in your life. This is not always a bad thing, such as a break up. It just happens.

So, before he arrives tonight, I am just praying that the Father in heaven will life up my heart and mind to a place of peace. I am praying the Father will be my constant, and just remain with me. I am praying when everything is said and done I don't make a fool of myself once again, and believe John may still care. That has passed. He may still care, but that is not really a concern any longer in a life post breakup. It is not a concern or focus at this point in the game.