Where oh where to go

So, it has been nearly a month on this new voyage of singlehood...

I am feeling stronger every day, and trying to just do what I need to do in a world surrounding me with couples...that is okay, I guess.

The thing is, that is what I want. I want someone to hold my hand, to make me smile, to hold me when I am afraid. I want someone to stand up before the world and declare he will want no other person and he is okay with all my flaws.

I think that is the hardest thing when you go from couplehood to singleton. I went from hearing someone tell me every day how much he loved me to telling me he loved me but wanted to move on. And while I do think this is for the best, it still hurts wanting to be loved with no one around to love me.

It is really hard this time, being single. There is so much that has changed in the 5 years I was with John. I am older, more suspicious of men and what they may think or do. I don't want to waste my time on someone who is only looking for a good time. I don't have the energy to wait on someone who is not willing to include me in his life I am not willing to accept anything less than what I deserve. I am not sure where to really go for this meeting of my destiny, and this is terrifying to me. It is something I can not control, or manage on my own. I am not a person with a fit body who can stroll around in pretty little outfits anymore, and time is wearing on my face more and more.

I do suffer from these feelings of "what is wrong with me?" How could someone not feel that way given my marriage, relationship with John. I have felt abandoned which leads me to have trust issues. I have felt that feeling of despair and just continue to relay and wait upon the Lord to put me in the right place at the right time.

What do I want in this life? I want to be happy. I want to watch my kids grow into healthy adults who change the world with their gifts. I want to have someone hold my hand when I watch them graduate from high school, from college, at their weddings, and when they are having their children. I want someone to want to wake up next to me every day, unafraid to state he will not leave, regardless of what my happen that day. I want someone who is faithful in his love to the Lord, to me, and to my children. I want someone who wants to dance when there is no music being played, someone who wants to walk home in the rain. I want to stand before my family, friends, and God and say I will be with him in this life until death, and for all eternity. I don't want someone who is afraid of his committment shadow. I don't want someone who can't decide if I am a good fit for his life. That is pretty much all I have ever had, and that is the hardest realization to live with.