Trying to stay in the game called life

So, recent blows to my ego have occurred. This will occasionally happen, right? Sometimes you are the cream of the crop, and other days you are nothing more than the manure compost. I get it.

If I believed everything I was told I wouldn't even bother showing up for life each day. It would be far easier to call in sick than to get out of bed, put a smile on my face, and greet the world with "good morning." Especially on the days where it feels like the world may greet me back with a big, ugly, hairy "don't talk to me today, I haven't had my coffee yet". But what would be the good of that? Sometimes it is not the amount of playing time you get in this life, but that you showed up ready to play the game that matters...

I was recently looking through old photos from high school, college, when I first got married and had kids...who is that person? She is light years from who I am today. She was so optimistic and thought she could do anything. She thought true love lasted forever, like in Sleeping Beauty. She looked at a situation and didn't see the impossible but the possibilities. I am sure she resides somewhere deep inside my heart. I mean, that was only yesterday I was in high school, college, getting married, having babies, right? But who I am now is someone who has experience. I know what it feels like to be separated from my parents when I needed their strength. I know what it is like losing someone due to old age. I know what it is like losing someone taken too early in their age. I met the man of my dreams, and married him, only to discover that it was not intended to be a lifetime. The hurt that went along with this realization was more than I could take...at the time. I tried, and tried, and tried...but there are only so many times you can glue a broken vase until you are missing essential pieces needed to hold water.

So, I moved on. And met another person who seemed like forever. We talked about marriage, about kids, about a future. We fought about my kids and my parenting style. We made up. We fought about little things. We made up. We were stubborn, and tenacious, and broke up. We somehow managed to come back together, and were different in so many ways, but I guess the same in many others. Fear of commitment, fear of letting the other person down, fear of running the race, and trying to do right by the other person could all be reasons...ultimately, though, maybe it was just the calling in sick to life that got us.

I now need to learn to move on, and not take for granted all the wonderful moments I have shared. I never regretted marrying my husband. I never for a minute wish things would have been different. It has led me to this person I am now. I never have regretted being with the most recent person to break my heart. He taught me so much about love. He also taught me alot of hanging in when the going gets rough, though he may not consider this what happened. I am trying to stay in this game called life. I miss that girl in the photographs...the one who had optimism in spite of adversity. But I also like the one I stare at in the mirror on a daily basis, white hairs and all. I am learning to love myself again in spite of feeling abandoned. I am learning to let go of things that really don't matter over the course of a lifetime I am learning who I am...again.