Everything will be okay

I used to think 4 words would make me feel better - ease my pain - make me realize things were not as they seemed. Those four little words had a magic spell on my subconscious mind to relax, take a deep breath, and feel more at ease with most situations.

"Everything will be okay"...

Oh, how I longed to hear those words when I would fall down as a child. They meant I could get back up, stand on my 2 feet - start walking, then sprinting, then running again. They were the words my parents gave me to make me feel strong again. "Everything will be okay, Ruthe, get up."

Oh, how I longed to hear those words when I would fall down as a teen. They meant I could learn something, I could be "normal" as normal meant to a teen aged girl uncomfortable with all the change going on in my world. They were the words my friends gave me to help me laugh at myself. "Everything will be okay, Ruthe, get up."

Oh, how I longed to hear those words when I would fall down in my 20's. They meant I would finally learn how to have a child sleep through the night, or have potty-trained children when going to a store. They were the words my family gave me to breathe again. "Everything will be okay, Ruthe, get up."

Oh, how I long how to still hear those words now when I am in my 30's, facing another difficult time in my life of uncertainty, of questions, of loneliness. I have gone through the struggles as a mom to potty train and teach a child to sleep through the night. I have forged my way into this world by working, by learning, by loving. But hearing them from the person I used to draw feelings of strength, be able to laugh at myself with, to be myself with is not quite the same. "Everything will be okay, Ruthe, get up." Doesn't quite make it to the magical, mystical land of safety, but only makes me feel like my world has turned upside down like Alice as she fell into the rabbit hole, and descended into Wonderland.

It is funny when you request something from someone, and you get it. I used to say "I am not looking for you to fix things, I am looking for you to listen and just tell me everything will be okay." Too bad what I was requesting did not include a broken heart from the person who uttered those 4 no longer magical words.

Right now, nothing will be okay. Right now I only have feelings of despair, and hearing him say to me that everything will be okay might as well have been "You are overexaggerating your hurt", or "You shouldn't feel this way...look at me, I am okay with us no longer being together, and you should be too..."

The person who is deciding the fate of the relationship has made peace with a decision to move on. They are truly the blessed person in this little scenario of breaking up. They have already weighed the pro's, the con's, the goods, the bads, the uglies, and the somewhere in between's. It is the person being left that is left in an isolated world of remember when's, we used to's, or places and things that no longer fit into the life after being broken up. It is hard to go into the restaurant you spent Valentine's Day, or pass by the park you used to go to. Even the freeway is taunting me with images of the past because the same exit we once had a tire blow-out on is now the same exit that takes me to my job. Silly little words, television shows, mountains we hiked, baseball games, or places we went now are just memories of the past, and no longer hold meaning in this "new" life of everything will be okay. The person who did the breaking up is already on a new path, while I am still trying to figure out why the map has been cut off at the exact place I need to find direction in. And all I have is the uttered words that used to hold their peaceful magic...everything will be okay.