Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden wrote this poem that sums my current feelings about where I am, what I am doing. It was featured in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral, during a scene in which a character has died, and the friends have gathered for the funeral.

When I watched this movie years ago I searched for a book containing this poem. I was so moved by how these words, simple enough, could evoke so much pain, so much mourning, so much of everything you always want to say, but don't have time to say it when your heart is broken.

It is amazing how words can mean so much to so many, and yet mean so little to others. It strikes me odd to have someone leave my life, never to return, and never to hear their voice, to smell their scent, or to be near their warmth. In losing someone close to you, you realize all the wonderful things about that person, and also all the frustrations that person may have caused. The only difference between when they were close, and now that they are away? You find yourself missing the little moments of cooking dinner together, going to the grocery store, driving to a chosen destination, seeing each other after time apart; even the frustration they may have created.

You miss this because you miss them...all of them...not just parts, or moments, or portions. There is no separation of pieces of them; parts you liked or could have done without. There is only the whole of them that is missed. Whether this be through breakup or through death, you would do anything to spend one last joyful moment with them, one last breath in their presence, one last anything to make you feel the way you had felt once upon a time, in a world of "when".

In many ways, the lose of a relationship is similar to death.  The only difference is the off-chance you may run into them, hear from them at moments that may be less than convenient for the healing your heart must do.  I have been unfortunate enough to feel the effects of both, understand how each brings such a unique tear in your heart; your life forever altered by this tear.  

This is how I feel. I miss everything. I miss the scent of his neck as we would hug, I miss the sound of his voice sounding excited, I miss his eyes smiling at me, I miss his body sitting next to mine...I miss him. So, the poem is for you, sweet lad who broke my heart. The poem that represents how I feel today...and how I may feel for a while. One day I hope to be on a different path, something other than desiring to just be in the same room with you,something other than being in love with a person who no longer shares my world, my thoughts, my life, and my heart.

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