The tides within my heart

"So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go. Cause everything ain't what I used to know. And I try to hide, but I just can't hide no more. There's nothing worse than feeling like a ghost."

~ Bobby Simmons Jr., "Ghost in the Machine"

That feeling...that lonely terrible feeling where you feel like a ghost roaming within the shell of your own life...all the haunts of the past continuously gracing your presence to remind you that you are not over the pain...the moments as raw and fresh as if they had happened seconds ago instead of some longer undefined time....

Living like a ghost in my own life...that would be the perfect description of how I am doing.  I am becoming tired of these thoughts of regret, thoughts of things and people lost, thoughts of sadness and heartbreak...I sometimes feel my loss has been multiplied over and over by decisions made that were not what I wanted, but easier for him.  Those actions I took based on decisions that can never be erased, never changed, never brought back.  

In this, I feel I lost more than just a relationship.  I lost something within myself.  I no longer have the ability to feel sympathy or empathy for others.  It is not that I do not care; I am just so lost within my pain I don't seem to notice the world or those surrounding me.  Now, I am feeling more like a ghost than a person among the living.  I navigate through moments within my today, to moments in the past...dates that would only mean something if we were still together...the emotions I feel come over me in waves.  One moment, the tide has swelled, and I am swept away.  I am swept to a moment in the past where I can literally smell him, almost feel his touch, hear his laugh, and that warmth when he would look at me.  In being swept away, I fall apart.  I slip into the water, and have that drowning sensation overwhelm me, gasping for air, attempting to grasp onto anything to maintain my head above the sea of emotions.  The next moment, that same tide has receded back into the oceans it came from.  I am back in the moment of today, I am focusing on what I should focus on, and able to feel my feet standing upon the solid ground again rather than searching for the depths of water.

My world has been turned upside down.  Nothing as I had previously known is the same.  And the future feels so intimidating to me.  I would love to grab the pieces of my heart, bottle of glue, and piece things together as I remember my heart before I felt it break...