and this is what it feels like

I often wonder why...why can't I just get over this...why does the pain still feel so fresh in my heart...why won't my mind just move past this.  I remember talking about this with you...how we both wondered how others were able to move on so easily...neither of us knowing what the future held for us, and how one year to the date you have been that person we didn't understand...that person who has been able to move forward so easily while I sit in pain...

Maybe you haven't moved forward as much as you have made aims to portray to the world...maybe you have moved further than I realize.  In either situation, however, I'm still grieving for you as if you walked out only seconds ago.  I am still driving in my car, tears welled up, ready to escape like a thief running from the scene of a crime.  I am still attempting to find the blessings in your absence from my world, and still trying to pretend I am okay, and that the world didn't stop when you and I last saw one another.  The past months have only served the purpose of waking, working, sleeping, and repeat...my body continues to function, but my spirit is gone, my desire to laugh diminished, my will to move on without you is gone.

I want you.  As foolish as this desire, it is still real.  I move through my days wondering what I could have done to create a different reality than that in which I reside.  The thought of being with someone else escapes me.  I can pretend for a few moments, allow another in for the briefest of time, but always come back to missing you, longing for your touch again, your voice encircling my world, and the love I still feel is to present and fresh in my mind to release your memory or the thought of you into the past.

My dreams are invaded by our time together. I can smell you still, see your smile, feel that warmth of your touch upon my skin.  I am transported to another time where being together, seeing each other, travel considerations, and reunions were possible.  I am reminded of how it felt to just sit next to you, or that feeling of knowing that by hearing your voice my day was instantly better. Something as simple as a time of day reminds me of you, and my heart is breaking at each moment of my day.  I haven't moved forward, not even a step.  I sometimes feel I have taken steps backwards, in the opposite direction from healing.

My desire to share my thoughts with those that care has been removed.  Why bother rehashing all my thoughts and feelings when I haven't been able to make a conclusion other than remaining in my pain.  What am I supposed to do?  Inflict my pain upon others?  Retell my pain over and over? Why bother doing that to someone else...it is much easier for me to just stick to myself, to not burden others with the pain.  In the end, I am the only one able to correct or fix myself; they could tell me all their soltions and remedies but I am not ready to listen or let you go yet.  I don't know how...

So, I sit...I sit, knowing you aren't coming back. I sit, swallowed by all the moments that happened a full year ago, wondering how we got to the place we are now. I sit, knowing you have moved on, I sit wishing you still wanted me...and knowing that is a dream that will never maintain a glimpse of reality again.  My mind knows you are gone.  My heart is unable to comprehend this as a possibility.  This is my reality now; this is how it feels to be in love with someone who does not love you.