The ironic point, however, is that we all choose to focus on the hurdles rather than the possibilities. We see that hurdle as a way of holding us back instead of a challenge waiting to be conquered. Our minds immediately analyze the risks involved, the difficulties in what we may know verses what we are completely blinded by. And to this, I fall short of seeing possibilities time and time again. I seem to understand the hurdles, know how I may be able to overtake them, but don't have the strength or ability some days to want to accept them. Sometimes it is easier to back away, go a different route, and hope for the best.
For most of my adult life, I have had to remain the strong person. I have had to face challenges as if they were welcomed, smiling politely as I struggle to do what needs to be done. I am no different from any other person, each facing our own difficulties in life. I am not unique in this world when a struggle presents itself. I am seen in two different lights; someone others may see as incredibly strong, having overcome many said challenges and obstacles to be where I am, while those who have heard my heart being vocalized in a rare moment of weakness, I am also someone who is seen as easily breakable. There are no in-betweens, it appears.
Each day, I am faced with the decision to get out of bed. Most mornings I willingly accept the decision to place both feet on the ground, start my day, and proclaim it to be beautiful. Regardless of what may happen, I am making today a beautiful day. But those mornings where I would rather hide from the world, agree that while it may have potential in being a beautiful day, I would prefer to remain within the safety of my own home. It isn't that I dread the day, or what it may entail. I enjoy my job, I enjoy most of the co-workers I see. I don't necessarily have a horrible environment to walk into each day. It is only that there are some days that seem overwhelming from the moment the alarm clock wakes me up, until I verify it is set before drifting asleep once again. There are some days I don't feel like being strong; I am weary of being the single parent who must think of two others before making any decisions. I am weary of having the responsibilities my life offers, weary of putting on the brave face I have had to wear for several months now while inside I feel something has truly vanished.
I have become weak in fear of being weak. Ironic how the fear of what we may become actually influences what we do become in the long run. I want to have that feeling of waking up, feeling my purpose. I want to wake up to feel I have something to offer the world. I want to fall in love with someone who doesn't leave. I want my children to be happy, to know they can accomplish anything. I want to say "It's a beautiful day because I have all I need within my life at this very moment." In attempting this, I am going to start looking at what it is that truly makes me happy, and what it is that is hurting me the most. Logging this to not forget, I hope that a week from now, a month and a year from now I will look back and see someone who, once afraid of her own shadow, has walked toward the light of happiness and actually found it.
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