Where is that person who used to laugh, who could feel the warmth of sunshine not only on her face, but radiating from within her as well? I can't remember the last time I felt truly joyful to wake up in the morning, unafraid of what the world has to offer on a new day. I can't remember the last time I felt satisfied, or able to look around and enjoy what I saw. I feel so numb.
I feel numb toward others, and their thoughts. It is not that I do not care, it is just that I am in this world of darkness that allows me to not see the direction, nor the door knob to let someone in, to bring in the light. I don't want to talk about things with others. I don't want to share my thoughts for fear of having my emotions exposed.
I feel so broken I am not sure how to talk about it. I am feeling so hurt within my life, I am not sure how to include others into this realm without feeling like I am revealing too much. I feel incredibly lost, incredibly tired, and very weary most of my days. My nights are spent with restless sleep, trying to just make it to the morning when I can revert to the cycle again that involves keeping quiet, focusing on my work, and really not talking to others.
And while it may be nice to hide away, quietly residing in your own pain, not letting others know when you are hurting, there is a downside. That downside when you have to face the music, explain why you may have not been as communicative as you once were. In the beginning of my painful couple of months, I was actually doing better. I was talking to others, able to express myself, and even starting the process of moving forward passed the pain I was feeling. But, several things happened that forced me to question my trust within others again. Decisions I didn't want to make suddenly were pressing their ugliness upon my life. And in the end, I took 10 steps backward for each one step of progress I had made.
And now, it seems the past week has been time for me to face the music. I am terrified to open up again, afraid to allow someone to hear about my pain, or the fact that I am still further behind than where we know I could be. Worse, I have unknowingly hurt those that may or may not have known about the struggles I am having due to my silence.
A friend sent me a text message asking what she had done to have me stop talking to her. My heart broke. This is someone who has done absolutely nothing to me; has been a great friend, someone who I can trust. But due to my turtle in the shell feelings, I have not been calling. I didn't want her to feel responsible to bear the weight of my pain, and hear it over and over again. I didn't want her to worry, to feel she needed to try to make me happy, or do anything for me, really. It was something I was struggling with, and needed to figure it out on my own. In trying to call her, I received her voice mail. In sending a text message back I felt as if so much was lacking within me at that moment to not talk to her, reassure her that things between us as friends was okay, I was just in pain.
I received a text message from someone I had been dating that said "Sweetie, tell me the real reason u stopped with me." It felt like I had been stabbed as I read the message. The reason was not related to him but due to all the things going on within my own life. Difficulties with a past relationship that made me feel uneasy about trusting someone else, and the decisions that resulted due to that relationship. There was no undercut reasoning that went back to him; it was just one of those things. When we dated, I had a great time with him. I enjoyed his company, could talk to him for hours on the phone. But it was the scars of my past that resurfaced to create this great barrier of uncertainty. I remember sending him a text, telling him I had been busy with family things, which at the time was , and apologizing for not calling. I couldn't let him know the extent of my pain. In revealing where I was emotionally would have been hard due to the fact I liked him, cared about him, and secretly thought he didn't need me intruding upon his life, bringing my own version of a tornado into his life. How am I supposed to tell him all that has happened that quite frankly has left me feeling like a ship-wrecked victim, beaten by the waves upon the rocks of the shore.
Sometimes, hiding within my shell is good. It is safe, no one there to hurt me. There is nothing but the silence of my own thoughts, the quiet of my own storms brewing inside that I just don't feel like discussing with others. But the downside is I have left those that actually care wondering what they did wrong. Intentions aside, that is worse than my own hurt; knowing I have possibly caused someone else pain.
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