Joy

Joy. I have so much joy right now. Just this immense peace, this feeling of euphoria. Quite a change from my early month of June.

Joy is a different admission to life than happiness. Joy is the everlasting presence of happiness. It has been defined as "the passion or emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good; pleasurable feelings or emotions caused by success, good fortune, and the like, or by a rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire; gladness; exhilaration of spirits; delight." While happiness may depend upon an action, joy is the lifelong return on investment of our happiness. Happiness may be fleeting, but true joy always remains within our hearts. It is part of the bigger picture.

I have tried to look at the bigger picture recently. Those images of how things may play out "eventually", or the ending to my book of life. Not what is going on now, the present demands I may incur, or what may be in the forefront of my life today. The bigger picture is reviewing and seeing how my actions, thoughts, and deeds of today relate to my thoughts 1 year, 5 years, 10 years from now.

This bigger picture is not defined by a singular moment. There is not a pivotal moment I am wanting to define, or seeking out, but rather a collection of small moments that create my life. Small moments that leave me breathless with delight. Small moments that lead me down a path to long term joy. This is not as hard as it seems, but also not as easy as it appears. To recognize those moments is often difficult. I have looked back on the moments that were hard. Those gut-wrenching, heart-breaking moments where I didn't know how I would wake up in the morning. I have found those moments allowed me to learn more about myself. Those moments have led me to the joy I feel now. They are not only helping define more about who I am, but also helping me to love myself more in spite of my flaws. They offer a different point of view on how I see others within my life. I have learned to appreciate these moments with as much perspective as I would the happy moments experienced. And, those happy moments...those silent acts of kindness from others directed toward me, the laughter with family and friends, or quiet moments I did not want to end...all lead to joy.

My flaws and strengths are plentiful. They range from a fear of being alone to being a germophobic person who almost never will eat something unless she knows without a doubt no one has touched it before her. I can be moody when I feel unwanted, wicked when I feel like playfully teasing someone. I can love someone without limits, and forgive without strings attached. I am someone who will show up when asked, but also is willing to let a friend know if I am uncomfortable. When I look in the mirror I can see the sands of time ticking all over my face, my hair with strands, once dark now illuminating white if the light is just right. I am bigger in size than I am used to, and try to not be hard on myself given the reasons why I am bigger. I find happiness in the mundane cleaning rituals, and satisfaction when making someone smile.

I have also discovered my joy is not strictly due to those surrounding my life. While I know they create joy in my life, they are not the reason for my joy. I am happy for me. I am joyful due to knowing myself better. The past month has been filled with those brief moments spent with others, but also becoming a scholar to who I am.

In the end, no one can give you joy. No one can make you happy unless you are a happy individual first. No one can mark joyfulness on your heart unless joy previously existed before. I have discovered my joy is not strictly revolved around or due to those surrounding my life. While I understand and gladly welcome the joy they create within my life, they are not the sole reason for my joy. I am happy for me. I am joyful due to knowing myself better. The past month has been enriched with brief moments spent with others that created joy, but becoming a scholar of who I am while being involved with those moments offer long term joy within my heart.

Motley Crew

I went on a trip with the kids to California this past weekend. They are staying for a week to see their dad, aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents. It was an amazing time for me. Very healing in so many ways to spend time with them.


I went to the beach with my sister-in-law Krista, my nephews, Jared, and the kids. Our motley crew family. To be able to see my kids together with their dad was great. To spend time with Jared and talk to him was therapeutic. To have my kids hang out with both parents, at the same time, at the beach, getting along and laughing together was the most beautiful expression of love I could offer them. I have tried to always maintain a level of peace for the kids when dealing with Jared. The issues we may have had should not be their concern, or a thought that presses on them daily. These issues are our adult issues. Two adults who started out being in love, and making decisions after all this time from a place of love.


For a majority of the world, being friends with your ex, or your ex in-laws is out of the question. There are battles with who was right, who was wrong. Battles of who did what, who didn't do something, what was said, what wasn't said. But, for us, we let all this go. That is what family is about, what love is about; overlooking flaws to see the true person, good or bad, and loving them in spite of the flaws the may have.

My marriage to Jared was not a happy one. There were more disappointments, hardships, and pain than fulfilment, happiness, and contentment. Some days I didn't know if I would survive until the evening because of how hard things were; other days I would be afraid for the evening to end because of how great the day went. I loved him. I wanted him to be all he could be. I was young when we met. Only 19. And, 2 years later, I was married at the age of 21. I would not let my daughter marry at the age of 21, not knowing what I know now. I grew up in many ways with Jared. I had hope beyond reason, and thought there was nothing he couldn't do, that he was the most wonderful human being, until we got married. After that paper was signed, things changed. We changed. Through it all, my in-laws were there, supporting us. My sister-in-law Arin would come over, listen to my cry, comfort me, and became a friend who was able to perform the hardest task of all, love in spite of the situation. She was a saving grace in so many ways during that time. With her, I was able to let go. I was able to laugh, to enjoy myself, to be spontaneous. My other sister-in-law, Krista, would come in, help me with what needed to be done, and take care of things I was too much a wreck to do myself. A month after I left their brother, my sisters and brother-in-law gladlly took the kids and I in for a week's vacation in Huntington Beach without hesitation. They wanted us there, wanted us to spend time with them, and loved my children and I the same as they did despite the recent events.

My marriage was not perfect. It was the complete opposite of that blissful "happily ever after." I was left in shambles, a shell of a person who used to feel so many things, dream, and love. Somewhere along the way I lost who I was in tending to, taking care of, and caring for someone who was able to to things for himself, but chose not to. The hardest decision of my life was walking away from him, and leaving with the kids. It came to the point where I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking it was okay for a man to treat her in this manner. It came to a point where I didn't want my son to grow up thinking it was okay for him to treat a woman in this manner. The second hardest day was when Jared told me he was moving to California to be closer to his family. It took me 3 years to finalize the divorce. I knew I could not go back into the marriage, but I also didn't want to succomb to feelings of failure so evident on a piece of paper.

The day my divorce was final, and I went to the hearing by myself, came home by myself to the kids I was overcome wtih shame for not being able to stay married. I was overcome wtih grief of that facade of a happy ending. I felt robbed of a life I so desparately wanted; my reality was just so not what I set out to have. In coming home to my kids, they were confused, concerned, not sure what this new status for their parents meant to them.

"Does this mean daddy is not part of our family anymore?"

How crushing to hear those words from my young children. "No, daddy will always be part of our family. Daddy is our family. Just because we don't live in the same house, or in the same state will never erase the fact he is Daddy. Things are just different than they used to be. But your family is always your family."

These are words I have never regretted saying to my children. It is the concept I have attempted to live up to every day since.

It took me several years to really forgive Jared. There were different stages of this, and it was not over night. Initially when leaving I think he believed I would come back. I think he was surprised I left in the first place. There were issues with his grief creating havoc in my life. Havoc is never a good thing when you have young kids. The summer I left him was filled wtih many tears, frustration, trips to receive restraining orders against him, police being called, and my pleas to officers arriving at my house to not use their police lights when coming to our non-emergency to some call. I didn't want my kids to wake up, see the destruction of their parents. The years that have passed have changed both Jared and me. It was only 2 years ago as I sat next to him while attending his uncle's funeral did I realize I was no longer mad, upset, frustrated, angry with him. I had let go. I had released the bitterness. I had allowed myself to heal.

Through it all, I was lucky enough to have the love and support of my family,and of his. His family was now my family. I was a part of them, and that would not change.

Fast forward to today. It has been 13 years since I married Jared. 6 years since I left Jared. 3 years since I divorced Jared. I have had to deal with the kids all on my own. I have provided their food, shelter, clothing, school items, toys, etc. all by myself. I have not asked for help in many ways other than to remain close, and always have my children know we are still a family. My sisters-in-law have always been there, willing to hold my hand. The strength they have demonstrated, the love that has been offered, the ability to overlook issues between their brother and me is nothing short of a miracle. When having a great day they are the people I want to share it with. When struggling with hardships their advice is always sought out first. I talk to my mother-in-law about the heartbreak of breaking up with my boyfriend John - the guy I dated after leaving her son. Whenever I feel I can't go any further, or start to doubt myself, they are there to pick me up. Some of the best advise I ever received came from Arin after a breakup with John. I was in shambles, feeling really sad for myself. John was the closest to a father figure my kids had, and had participated so actively in their lives. When telling Arin I didn't know how I was going to manage on my own, Arin said "Ruthe, you will be okay. It was very helpful to have John around, but you can do this on your own. You always have done this on your own. You just forgot for a few moments when allowing him to help you. And that was nice he helped, but you can do this."

I am the most blessed person I know. I am able to forgive, I am happy, I am loved. I am all of this because of my family.

Loneliness

How I view the world, and how others view the world often do not correspond. I try to see the silver lining in all horrible situations. I say "try" because it does not always happen. Sometimes it is easier to just let things go than to try to create a hypothesis as to why the letting go even needs to occur. I think this is solely due to the events of my past that have no rhyme or reason to the pain. And acknowledging the pain is one thing, but living with the pain is quite another. But loneliness is a whole different game in and of itself.

I am wondering how many other ways I can conjure up a word for lonely. Most days I do not feel lonely, but when it does creep up on me like the crushing sound of a thousand feathers hitting the floor. It is funny to me, also. I am lonely, yet try to ensure those around me always feel taken care of, appreciated, loved, and special. I try to ensure everyone I love is never suffering, never hurting.

Loneliness is nothing more than an excuse to dwell where your heart may have one time took residence. To be lonely is nothing more than to miss something you once had. It can be related to a person, thing, ideal, concept, whatever...I wonder how many times I felt lonely only due to a previous situation I became accustomed to. How many times did I fail to recognize the road ahead of me simply because I was still turned back, looking at where I had been. And even in knowing these things, I still allow this elusive ghost to haunt me at times.

I have spent a majority of my life facing one problem or another. This is not unique to just me, for this I am sure. My problems may be bigger than the next guy's, or more than manageable to another. In my adult life I have had a good run of one issue after the next. I have developed a higher sensitivity to the BS others will offer me, thanks to these issues. I used to let people walk all over me to save the peace. Now, I just kindly disappear into the sunset if I can. I don't understand why others feel the need to be insincere, but I really don't have the time for this. In doing so, I have been fortunate to surround myself with those who are supporters. I am surrounded by those I love, and who love me. I may not be the nicest person all the time, but I am human, which will always mean I have flaws. When feeling lonely, I try to remember this. I try to feel the embrace of their love. I try to remember to look ahead, and only look back for a brief moment to remember the past as a place I once visited, but continued on my travels.

Desideratum

Why is it that some days I can wake up, and feel absolutely on top of the world, ready to soar with the birds, able to move mountains if needed...and other days are like today? Today is just me, being here, not feeling like I can walk across the street much less move the proverbial mountain.

There is no reason to this. I have much to look forward to, and wonderful things that have happened recently. I have no reason to complain or feel neglected in the game of life. None the less, it does not matter to the heart that you have no reason to not complain; your heart can feel quite another way.

Desideratum. This is the only way to describe this. While having so much to look forward to, I feel like Eeore always waiting for the rain cloud to come upon me, or my house to cave in. I spend so much of my day attempting to not feel this way that eventually it does not help, and there is my old friend from childhood wanting me to play the game of misery loves company. Without any reason, I am willing to pick up the game, and dwell there for a few minutes. I am getting ready to take a trip to San Diego, a place I have not been, a trip to New York City, another place I have not been. But lurking behind is that voice of impatience. I recently had a promotion at work and look around wondering if this is all I am cracked up to be. It certainly was not where my childhood dreams ever took me.

Maybe it is my impatience that leads me to the Land of Desideratum. I want so much right now, and maybe those feelings are there because I am being told to wait by the universe. Whether the universe is a calendar of days I must work through to get to the trips I am taking, or being forced to wait due to other people's actions, it is hard. I fear the black hole of loneliness even though I am surrounded by those I love and care about. It is just desideratum...

Contradictions are beautiful

Contradictions...we all see them every day.

We see this in media, our family, friends, ourselves. Contradiction by definition is opposition between two conflicting forces or ideas. But within those contradictions, what is it about them that may be found beautiful? And why, if it is opposition, do we all possess them?

I am filled with contradictions. Some big, some small. Some noticeable, others are only known to me. I know it is not always the best thing to admit to this...like it is a personality flaw. In learning more about myself, in learning to like myself, in learning to enjoy me being me, I must learn to appreciate everything. Changes can be made, but until you know your own contradictions, how do you even start this attempt toward change?

What are my contradictions? What offenses do I offer to this rambling? I look at contradiction not as opposition, but rather a balancing act. We all have something we must balance in life. Some balance work, raising children, becoming independent, being alone, or being in a difficult situation.

1. I want to be seen as beautiful, but don't want to be judged by my looks
2. I don't want to grow old, but can't wait to sit on a porch swing at the age of 80 next to the man I love
3. I want to have doors opened for me, but don't want to have doors opened only because I am a female.
4. I want nothing more than to be in love again, but fear being in love if I am going to be hurt once more
5. I want to sometimes talk about my fears or problems, but don't want someone to solve my problems.
6. I do not feel my being a single parent or having children define who I am, but I do feel having children makes me who I am at times.
7. I love sleeping when it is chilly in the room, and I am forced to cuddle up under blankets. But I hate being in the cold, snow, or AC when awake.
8. I can appreciate a beautiful sunset, but would rather be awake early enough to see the sun rise.
9. I loathe McDonalds and don't eat fish or seafood, but I will crave a Filet O'Fish sandwich, and eat salmon.
10. I can talk for hours to a complete stranger about politics or religion, but have a hard time talking to someone I have developed a crush on.
11. I hate being late, but am often running 5 minutes behind when going to church.
12. There is nothing more annoying than sitting on the side lines, but this is where I feel most comfortable at times in new situations.
13. I love relaxing and not worrying about my time, but when sitting around and relaxing I have to keep moving.
14. I hate to sleep in, but I hate going to sleep at night
15. My favorite color to wear is black, but can't typically sleep in any other color than white

Contradictions are more than having opposition. To me, they define someones middle being. They are important in realizing the true essence of a person; they can be a reflection of their soul. We are complicated as humans, and even more complicated if we have ever felt emotion. Our pain has led to contradiction. Pain allows us to view that contradiction of life, especially in a pain of love lost. We are able to feel the immense joy of having that love, but also the intense sorrow once the love has been lost, or is gone. Happiness can lead to contradiction if we go through the same experience twice, and due to expectation do not feel that same level of happiness.
Embracing your contradictions allow you to be more open about yourself. There is nothing to fear about your contradictions...they only offer a greater window to your internal being. Opposition allows a greater understanding, and with understanding comes knowledge. With knowledge comes a powerful realization for discovering that beauty we all possess.

Caution: I watch people closely before engaging in conversations

Wouldn't it be nice if people came with warning labels when you meet them or see them on the street?

For the guy who talks too close and has bad breathe - it would be nice if you had a caution sign reading "Caution - Close talker in need of tooth brush".

For the girl who is not really going to commit to a situation, it would be nice for her sign to read "Caution - I play with people's hearts".

For the kids who throw tantrums, and the parents who are as bad as the kid they should have a family sign reading "Caution - We don't believe in respecting others".

It is amazing what you may learn about someone just from watching their body language or how they speak to another person. Sit on any park bench for at least 5 minutes and you will encounter a world of contradiction and surprise.

I love to people watch. Not everyone has negative signs. There are amazing people in this world who would not need a caution sign. I like to figure out what people's signs may read. I find this to be a great hobby when I have nothing else to do. Sometimes I am cynical, other times I am in awe. But always, it is a curious hobby to entertain. I try to not be judgemental; after all, would I want the strangers I am judging to judge me in the same light? I don't have that "give a damn" attitude some people are able to pull off. And it seems during different points in your life when you may be struggling with something, that is when you run into every Tom, Dick, and Harry who remind you of your oppression. It can also be moments when you needed to feel something, and happen to watch an exchange between 2 strangers that reminds you life is wonderful.

In a relationship I find holding hands to be very important to me. It is a gesture of each person protecting the other, wanting to touch each other, create a united force as one together. But when you are not a couple? It is taunting and mean. They don't know they are offending me, how could they? They are walking around in the Mary Poppins world of butterflies dancing in the sky, blue birds whistling a happy tune, and oblivious to my envious stares. To me, I see them leering at me, almost saying "Yeah, this is what you DON'T have, and so we are going to rub it in your face!" But avoiding the feelings of disdain for the couple's existence, I can look past the rainbows and butterflies they are seeing.

I can see a man who may be looking at his (insert official title of date/girlfriend/fiance/wife here) and be able to tell how he feels about her. The look in his eyes when she is not looking - is it a look of tenderness, a look of desire, a look of "I am the luckiest SOB in the world to have her at my side!" OR - is it "yeah, can't wait til this chic is gone", boredom, or dismissal.

I can see a woman who may be looking at her (insert official title of date/boyfriend/fiance/husband here) to see her thoughts and feelings. The look in her eyes when he is not looking - is it signifying a look of respect, admiration, adoration, "Hell yeah!" look. OR - is it "um...I am just really filling my time", dismay, etc.

It is the looks you give others when no one is looking that matter the most in people watching. That look when you can tell, feel, and see 2 people in love. That look when you see a mother watching her child proudly watch her kids take big kid steps, mixed with the look of worry at the same time that they may not be as needed in the future. You can see the nervousness a teen aged girl or boy may feel when in a group of kids and it is obvious they are trying to flirt with someone. The embrace between two friends, whether it be verbal or physical. One of the most endearing events is to watch a couple who are older, shuffling where ever they are going, holding hands, smiling, and just enjoying the other's company.

Body language is not often looked at highly enough by most people. The simple turn of the head, how close someone stands to you while talking, is their body facing you or turned away from you, are their legs crossed while sitting down and which way are they crossed. Do they look you the person in the eyes while speaking, over the shoulder of the other person, down to the floor, up in the air? Are they constantly playing with their phone, camera, electrical device instead of talking to the person they are sitting with? Do they seem interested in the conversation, or are they simply feigning interest? Someone can give you a compliment, but it is more their body language that will reveal their intention. Paying attention, and knowing the difference between genuine and insincere is the key.

How do you know the difference, though? How can you tell that what you are reading into is the true person? There have been times when I was wrong about my interpretations of someone else's body language. In those rare moments I am typically pleasantly surprised. Those moments are rare, however. This is not a sport for everyone, but for those that have either learned how to read others, or are gifted naturally it helps out immensely when avoiding people who should be avoided.

What would my caution sign read? "Caution - I watch people before engaging in conversation."

I watch people before I engage in conversation for my personal, social time and comfort. If I am meeting new people that are friends of friends, I become extremely introverted for a moment. I look at how they talk, walk, move, gesture. I determine if they are safe or scary. I will watch how the talk to the others to determine if they are schmoozing, snowballing, or being sincere. I will inspect the situation before talking to them, before possibly becoming a victim of an assaholic. I am okay standing in the shadows, on the sidelines, whatever you want to call the place I am at. The rare exception to this is when politics, baseball, or religion may be the topic of conversation. I can find common ground with anyone in this world. But just because I can do this does not mean I need to do this.

Places I have been and would visit (or never return to) again,and why

I haven't really traveled very much outside the southwest. It isn't a personality flaw, or by choice. This is just how life up to this point has ended. The future will change that; at least I hope it will!

But of the places I have been, I have been very lucky to be immersed in culture, surrounded by amazing friends and family, and enjoyed my time...for the most part.


San Francisco, California
This city is just amazing. Beautiful architecture, culture, and even crazier residents! To stay in downtown within Union Square is a shopper's delight, and your pocketbook's worst nightmare! Last visit was for work. Fortunately we were able to have a little fun at the same time though. We walked from Union Square, through Chinatown, up to the tourist attractions of Pier 39, Fisherman's Wharf, Ghiradelli Square. I bought a beautiful Chanel handbag, and definitely spent more than I made on the trip. The best part of this trip was just walking around, shopping, eating, walking around some more, shopping, eating...I would visit this city again, not just because I have family that is close by, but because of all the elegant architecture, serene landscape, and, of course, the shopping. Did I mention I loved the shopping?

For reminiscence purposes, this city always reminds me of a visit I took with my dad when turning about 17. We flew up, just the 2 of us, to visit my Uncle, Aunt, and cousins. Aunt Janice drove me all over San Fran showing me the sights, telling me stories of her wild times as a teenager. For this reason, the city will always hold a special place in my heart thinking of my family, and spending time with my dad.

New Orleans, Louisiana
I have been to New Orleans (Nawlens) twice. The first time I was in high school, traveling with friends. This was before Hurricane Katrina desecrated the city under water. It was one of few experiences I was thankful to come home to the heat of an Arizona summer rather than deal with humidity any longer. Walking around French Quarter, eating beignets at Cafe du Monde, going into the little shops that were full of Cajun tradition of voodoo magic, taking a riverboat ride to see the different monuments and historical icons of the past. I was captured by the beauty of the South. Fell in love with the way the city smelled (except for lovely Bourbon St.). I decided I wanted to go back again, and as often as I could. The trip was for school, and because of that I saw things I may not have seen as a regular tourist. I toured the Mardi Gras warehouse where all the costumes, floats, etc. are stored. I tried on the costumes, bought beads, had a great time.

The second time I was in New Orleans, it was work related. Fortunately, the person who booked my flight had me arrive a day before the convention I was attending began. A whole day, touring French Quarter by myself. Taking in all the sites, walking down St. Charles Avenue, Decatur St., Canel St.; passing by St. Louis Cathedral, Jackson Square, the shops, and of course, eating beignets at Cafe du Monde was heaven. Eating at Commander's Palace and Mothers's (very high scale down to the poor man's choice) and not wanting to leave. My favorite moments were at night, though. I was told not to go out at night by my employer. Okay, fair enough. Girl traveling alone wandering French Quarter at night is not something that is safe. I get it. I would sit in my hotel room, windows wide open, allowing the night air filled with jasmine to waft into the room, and the sound of jazz filter through the air. Those moments were my favorite.


Sedona, Arizona
Most people who go to Sedona fall in love with the red rock, the ambiance, the quiet little town with eclectic style. For me, this is just another place I may not want to return to. It is a lovely town, don't get me wrong. Unfortunately, I am not one that can sit still long enough to enjoy this. It is fun to wander the shops, look at the jewelry that has been created by local people, see the red rocks. But underneath that are memories of another life in which I have moved forward from.

Orlando, Florida
From my view of this city, I would never care to go back. This is just one tourist trap after another. My favorite part of this trip was riding around the airport...Granted, I was marooned at a resort, and a 1 mile cab ride to a 7-11 was over $20...I didn't go to Disneyworld, but I am not even sure I would want to go. One of the best parts of this trip? Listening to the news talking about tourists needing to be careful because violence and crime against tourists was high. Yeah! That is a great Chamber of Commerce moment. Another "best" part of this trip? Didn't make it to Disneyworld, but I rode the elevator at the resort like an amusement park ride! My trip out there and back was interesting when we had the same airline flight attendance on both flights willing to slip us alcohol under the boss's nose at no cost. He was hilarious, and made the flight so much easier.

Indianapolis, Indiana
Humidity, mosquitoes, Avon Skin-So-Soft as my best friend? I would visit Indi again, though. The place was beautiful, green, and the people were great. I visited the Indy 500 race track, met new friends, hung out with old friends. The trip getting there was horrible (thank you Continental Airlines - are you even in business any more?)

San Antonio, Texas
San Antonio - home of every bumper sticker known to man that says "Don't mess with Texas". Another trip in high school, and I have never been back - on purpose. First off, when you have 40 people flying together, and you cancel the entire flight, and offer to put them up for the night? Yeah, not a good start. Once in this place it was so hot, but also so sticky and gross. Going over 4th of July was not the best idea either. We are staying in downtown San Antonio, walking distance from the Alamo (hence the bumper sticker haven for every red-necked hick), on the scenic Riverwalk. How do you not have any type of fireworks on the holiday celebrating America's day of independence? Oh, that is right, I forgot...Texas still thinks they are a separate country when it conveniences them (I can say this, though, after living in the state for 3 years). So, when going to the Six Flags over Texas park, learning that they had fireworks at the end of the night, only to learn it was a fireworks / laser show about the history of Texas? Frustration.

But, this is also the last trip I took with friends in that large of a group after graduation. I spent time with the people I would not be able to be around again. We gave people a hard time, saw the Violent Femmes play, and said goodbye to that part of our lives.


Kingfisher, Oklahoma
What can I say about Kingfisher! Red soil, kind old people, simple houses, and friends. Kingfisher is just a small town with kind residents who wave to you as you pass them on the road. They greet you like an old friend, treat you like family, and makes you realize how nice it is to slow down sometimes.

Globe, Arizona
Growing up in Payson, Globe was not a place you wanted to visit. This is where the county seat is, so if you were called for jury duty you had to go here. This is where the county juvenile detention center was, so if you were "visiting" Globe, chances are you had a rap sheet. I never went to Globe growing up.

It wasn't until I drove through Globe on my way to a training for work that I really saw what I was missing. Completely different from the town I grew up in, Globe has old Victorian style houses, a downtown that is not thriving but filled with beautiful architecture. They also have some awesome antique stores where I was able to shop for Christmas at. I wouldn't be able to stay long, but day trips to this town are quite a treat.


Orange County, California
I love going to Orange County. The place is filled with so many fake and plastic items, from merchandise you can buy to the people you see walking down the street. I love going to the Balboa pier and eating at Ruby's, or going to the other side of Balboa and riding the Ferris wheel. Balboa bars are one of the most amazing things to eat. Newport with the beautiful beach front houses, small little restaurants. Huntington with the amazing downtown. Going further inland to Garden Grove, Anaheim, etc., are all wonderful times in my mind. This is, of course, another place I enjoy going because of family. Sure, it is nice to see the beach. But it is even nicer to see my sisters and brothers-in-law, my little nephews, great grandpa. This is why I love going here almost more than any other place in the world.

Needles, California
The armpit of California...Needles is exactly as it's name - dry. But the people that live in this town are nothing short of entertaining and wonderful. I took a trip to see my friend graduate from Needles High School once. Took a little trip to the Colorado river...in June...with a swimsuit that someone actually asked my friend who the naked chick with the flower tattoos were because I was as white as the suit. That was, until our drive home when I became as red as the flowers on the suit because I was burned burned burned. My best friend and I stayed with a friend in Needles one spring break. We were actually going to Lake Havasu, but being able to see a friend was worth the 30 minute drive each way to Havasu each day we went.


Las Vegas, Nevada
So...I have only been to Vegas once. AND my trip was not as everyone may think. It was my 3rd week of college. My roommates were going to be out of town. I didn't want to stay in Tempe by myself at the time. So, this kid in my German class offered to take me to Vegas with him. We drove up to Vegas in a dump truck (his dad owned a residential construction company). Once we were in town I found my friend who was going to UNLV. I didn't know what dorm she was in, so I started calling the dorms out of the phone book. Lucky me, it was the 1st dorm I called. I get her on the phone, let her know I am in town, and the German class kid takes me to hang out with my friend all weekend. The only part of Vegas I saw was an In and Out, Target, and UNLV. I had so much fun, though. Going home, German class kid's dad bought me an airline ticket (kind of awkward since I was not nor planned on dating the kid), and his mom picked us up at the airport in Phoenix. It was one of the best weekends of my life! Someday I may go back and see Vegas as everyone else has seen it. But, my friend still lives there, out in the suburbs...who knows, maybe I will just crash with her and her family again!


Los Angeles, California
LA. Big, bustling, selfish LA! When I was a kid my parents took us on a family trip to Southern California. LA was a stop on the way. We rarely took vacations, so it really felt like an adventure. We went to Disneyland. We went to my parents Alma matter - LIFE Bible College. This was actually pretty cool though, because it was where my grandparents and great grandparents went to school, or attended church at the connecting Angeles Temple. I saw pictures on the walls of my family members at the college. Later, I learned this is also where Norma Jean Baker, a.k.a. Marilyn Monroe, was baptized as a baby.

Growing up, I had visited LA a few times. It usually was to visit an amusement park and not to spend time. Another spring break trip my best friend and I went on was to OC and LA. We drove around, saw the Hollywood Walk of Fame stars, Mann's Chinese Theater and Marilyn Monroe's hand and shoe prints, Planet Hollywood (when that place was actually cool). Oh yeah, we also got lost, she got a bit freaked as the sun was setting and we were in the land of crazies, and I was having a blast.

Random thoughts for a night I can not sleep

Can't sleep. Seems to be an ever present theme in my life. Sure, I will go through phases where I get to sleep (actual sleep) by 9pm; those phases typically do not last very long. It isn't that I have much on my mind, that I am worried or stresses. There isn't really anything keeping me up except the inability to lay down.

Completely random thoughts are the reason for this posting. Nothing more, nothing less tonight. So, here it goes...

I love my life right now. It is definitely not perfect, though. In fact, there are many things I would like to have differently. But at this very moment, right now, I am content with what I have. I know I may have more in the future, but hopefully I never have less. I have had more in the past but strangely am okay with letting go, and moving on.

I am so blessed to have this family by birth, blood, marriage, someone else's marriage, friendship. Every day I get to wake up and realize how much more I love them.

I can't wait for the day when I can fully be able to exercise again without the issue of back pain. To the lady who hit me in March: thanks! Really appreciate being rear-ended, and also not being able to have a way to run off some energy!

I have that stupid song from Cinderella stuck in my head right now..."Someday my prince will come..." That is agitating to say the least. When is someday, and why hasn't that day arrived yet.

It scares me how big my children are getting. I look at Emberleigh and she is almost as tall as me. She is growing into a beautiful, opinionated little woman who has so much to offer this world. I look at Tyler who is just the best kid to hang out with when I am feeling down, and always has a way of making me smile.

I wonder if the people who cut you off in traffic, then have the nerve to flip the universal peace sign ever get that same treatment. Maybe it has happened to them SO many times they decided if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Will I EVER be able to get to Italy! Seriously, that is on my list of 35 before 35...and 35 is about 8 months away on Sunday (yes, I really am counting down).

Speaking of that list, I really need to see if there is ANYTHING else I can take off!

I miss Stephanie very much right now! I miss the days when we were both in college, renting movies, doing cross-stitch and drinking tea like little old ladies. I am lucky to have great friends that surround me every day, but there is nothing like your best friend to make you smile.

I am trying to mentally pack for 2 California trips, and a trip to New York City in my head. I hate bringing too much, but what if I forget something and can't live without it.

Seriously, when will I be able to lay down and sleep.

Jazz filtering through the air

Sound is a powerful entity to me. Sound can be ravishing, earth shattering, and loud. Sound can be soothing, calm, and loving. It is the sound of someone's voice that makes me smile if I am away from them for too long. The sound of my grandmother's voice on an old tape telling a story instantly places me at ease and feel like I am four years old again. It is the sound of music playing that brings a smile to my face as my heart leaps for joy. There are sounds that you may only hear for a short amount of time, like a newborn baby cooing, or sounds you may hear every day of your life, like traffic, crickets, airplanes. There is almost nothing better than hearing the crack of a bat as a home run is in hot pursuit. Sounds are as personal as a thought or whisper, but universal and public. What sounds I may enjoy will not be enjoyed the same by others; that is the most unique aspect of being who we are given our free agency. But how much better is my world when jazz is filtering through the air!

I used to live in a neighborhood that had a few Hispanic families. You could always tell when they were entertaining just by the sound their parties would contain. Mariachi music playing in the night air that lifted my spirits, reminded me to love what I am doing at all times. At times this was more of a nuisance than enjoyment. But now that I live in a neighborhood where you could hear a pin drop, I miss it. But it was another family in the neighborhood that made me embrace the sounds of my neighborhood. They had a child who was learning to play the trumpet. I would sit outside listening to the off-key notes of a novice musician, remembering trips to New Orleans where jazz filters every street within the French Quarter at night. The sound of a trumpet ringing out through the night air, smell of crape jasmine, people talking and laughing must be what Heaven will sound like.

Jazz is one of my favorite types of music to hear in a nightly breeze. Sometimes I will drive in my car, listening to Louis Armstrong or some other jazz musician from an era long gone by the hands of time, just to remember that feeling of New Orleans. It is not the same, and never can be matched to my memory, but must do while in Arizona. The lyrics are simple, the message is powerful. The shrill of the trumpet and the gruff of his singing voice puts me into heaven.

Louis is one of my favorite musicians. La Vie En Rose, What a Wonderful World, Give Me Your Kisses, Dream a Little Dream...the lyrics all speak volumes for the few actual words within the song. They speak of a different time; a time when hope was high, and you found that person you could depend upon to stay. How could you not smile when hearing the lyrics below...

Give me your kisses, I'll give you my heart

Give me your promise that we'll never part

I'll give you love and devotion

High as the sky above, deeper than the deepest ocean

Give me the right to call you all mine

And I'll be true till the ending of time

Give me your kisses, I'm willing to start

And I'll give you my heart

What a Wonderful World always reminds me of my son singing at his Kindergarten Mother's Day Tea - and me in full tears just listening to the sweet angelic voices of 5 and 6 yr. olds. Yes, they sang off key, but there was still jazz filtering through the air. And Tyler, knowing this is my favorite song, giving his Dandie grin I love so dearly.

If I ever am lucky enough to marry someday, I want to include something by Louis for my first dance. Not sure which song since I am only 1/2 of the decision making process in my metaphorical wedding. But to be held by the man I love, after declaring to the world I am in love and willing to stay with him for a lifetime, while hearing jazz sung by Louis in the background would make me the happiest bride of all.

It is sound that has shaped my world. Sound that allows me to relax. Sounds that remind me of when I was young as I grow older. Sounds of family or friends that allow me to feel at home. The voice of someone I love or a friend I haven't heard from reminds me to embrace life as it comes. Sound allow me to be who I am regardless of what others may think. And jazz filtering through the air never fails to help me remember to dream.

Kissing the proverbial frogs for my prince has gotten me nowhere except trying to avoid the crazies

So, the past few weeks have been very busy. Kids gone, so I have more time to play. I have taken up the projects of drawing a Fenway image for a friend, Steve, and recovering another friend, Jessica's dining table chairs. So, my playtime has at least been productive. I feel really great about life right now, and feel things are just getting better. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, plenty of things I can do to keep me entertained.

EXCEPT

I hate being alone...I hate not having anyone to spend time with. I don't think this is a weakness given I can entertain myself in plenty of ways. I enjoy being by myself and having Ruthe time, but I also enjoy being around others. Today, I left work early because I was not feeling well. I knew I needed to go to urgent care given the lack of enthusiasm a doctor has when just "dropping in" instead of having an appointment. As I am driving home, I was so overwhelmed with loneliness. I have pretty much always had someone to sit with me and hold my hand when I am not feeling well. It saddened me to realize there was not anyone I could call to come down and do this for me. The person who used to come out and support me is not a person I can call and ask any longer. Everyone else is either at work, has kids that should not be within the danger zone for germ city, or unable to make a trip. So, here I am, in pain, not feeling well, and in tears because I don't have this. I felt so alone. And, it occurred to me I was not missing that one person who used to sit with me, it was just the idea of that person. I was lucky enough to receive text messages of support, which was helpful.

This being alone thing is so awful at the most random of times. A couple weeks ago I was watching this sappy lovey dovey romantic comedy...by myself. You know the type: girl meets guy, girl wants to marry guy, guy leaves for business to Ireland, girl decides to travel to Ireland to surprise him and propose to him, but along the way finds another great guy who is more aptly suited for her...blah blah blah...at least I was able to see the Irish countryside in the movie. Anyhow, in the movie this girl wants nothing more than to get engaged to her boyfriend. Her journey takes unexpected turns, and along the way she randomly attends a wedding for strangers. The bride and groom are very hospitable and allow her to attend their reception. At the reception, the bride delivers a toast to the groom...

"May you never steal, lie or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me all the nights of my life. And if you must cheat, then please cheat death, because I couldn't live a day without you"

Fast forward about 30 minutes after this when I am in full crying mode wondering when and if I may ever hear those words...

I know deep down that if I kiss enough of the proverbial frogs I will end up with one amazing prince charming.

I am just sick of kissing the frogs. They smell, they are rude. They break your heart at the drop of a dime and then wonder why you are so surprised...they knew their actions but conveniently forgot to tell you.

The worst things about being single? This does not include such things as not having someone to call when you get to work to let them know you are okay, eating alone, sleeping alone, not having someone to laugh with, share your fears with, get advise from, etc. No,the worst thing about being alone is just that...you are alone. Your whole life you may have tried to put others first, and when you are alone it is only you. You don't have to "answer" to someone, or explain your thoughts, or laugh with someone else. Nope, you are alone. There is no one there to do that with. Being alone is okay for a moment, but not for very long. That is when I have to find projects to do. I cleaned my entire house yesterday from top to bottom. I dusted the baseboards around my carpeting for something to do. Thank God I have friends with whom I can do things with, otherwise I would decide to have more projects than I do right now.

What is the next worst thing about being single? The terrible expectation of meeting someone. This is by far one of the downsides to not being with someone you care about. You have gone from spending time with someone, having little inside jokes, making plans as a couple, staying in and watching movies just to cuddle, and holding their hand. That is not an easy thing to replace or to find within another human being.

This is also when you realize how many crazy people there are out there in this world, and suddenly they all know your name. Sure, they all have different names, different genders, different places where they live. but ultimately they reside in a little town called Crazyville.

Crazy person #1
This is the "friend" you only talk to because you used to work together, used to play in the sandbox, know their family, or just don't have the heart to request an exit ticket from their life. Because you know too many mutual people you can't make the graceful exit, and why? You searched for the door but they do not have door knobs.

Crazy person #2
Similar to crazy person #1, this is someone who has mutual friends of yours, only you don't remember them. They talk to you in the comfortable way you would talk to a best friend, then proceed to tell you they always had a crush on you...um...awkward! And does your wife know you are saying this to another chic? I wouldn't be happy if I was her.

Crazy person #3
Random people you meet while out with friends. These crazy people are those who are too forward, too aggressive, and not considerate that maybe you just wanted to hang out with your friends and not be attacked. I will admit to sometimes talking to someone while out with friends, but that is a rare occasion.

Crazy person #4
Ex's from a distant galaxy ago. You were able to remain cordial to one another, able to maintain some dignity after a break up. But now they are just like crazy person #2. They tell you in the middle of your heartbreak (let's say one or two days after the dirty breakup occurred) that they still have feelings...really? That was years ago. This person is not so much crazy as they are hopeful in ways you are not ready for.

Crazy person #5
"We should meet up and do something" person who you finally agree to hang out with. What happens? They impact your residency within the city called Alone by being on their phone the entire time you are out. The ENTIRE time. If you wanted to talk to whoever is one the other end of the phone, why did you invite me out to do something? I'd rather be at home alone, by myself, than be alone while with this person.

Crazy person #6
The pity party friend. You know who this is the minute you try to just move on from your heartbreak. These are the people who LOVE when you are hurting because they need the company. They are miserable and want you to remain as miserable for as long as possible. Everything that comes out of their mouth is quoted from "The Big Book of Negativity", and you feel like you are dirty after the time with them and need a cleansing shower of positivity.

Fortunately, I don't have many of these crazies in my single status life right now. Fortunately I have a plethera of friends and family. Fortunately I am still willing to kiss the frogs because I know my prince is out there, somewhere. I will have someone telling me to not steal,lie, or cheat as I heard in that corny movie. When the timing is right, stars align, and the heavens open I will have that again, and better than the other times in my life where I was in love. Better because I was ready and didn't play the silly games of the crazies, or the unrealistic expectations that only set me up to fail.